Original subtitles

Okay, okay, I got it, I got it.

The Cooper Hewitt Museum is having an exhibit on the history of staplers.

Nope.

How about this, "Watch Your Head,

a guided tour through the homes of New York's most affluent little people."

I don't think so.

What-- I thought you said

you wanted to do something different.

No, I said I wanted to do something exciting.

Well--

Oh, God.

Now, Martin, now.

You're amazing.

I'm almost there.

Maybe we should try a different position.

Bend over.

Martin, I'm starting to get a little worn out.

Why don't I try something else?

Huh?

I come no more.

You faked it?

Shh.

I didn't want her to feel inadequate.

Wow. Did you ever fake it with me?

Yes, yes, all the time. Even when we conceived Jeremy.

Sorry. So have you seen a doctor?

Yes, and he said there's nothing wrong with my...

- Johnson - ...equipment.

Jared.

Well, well, I didn't know you were working today.

You know, you were just so great in that show.

You were just mesmerizing.

Thank you, and thanks for the roses.

Oh, yeah, uh, Martin, Jared's doing a one-man show

called Ticket to Ride.

It's about Mal Evans, the Beatles' bus driver.

He was called the eighth Beatle.

Oh, do that thing where you pull over, would you?

- Okay. - Watch. It's incredible.

Sorry, John. We've got to pull over.

Ringo's got to piss again.

That's great. Now can we see how you get some Parmesan cheese?

Judith...

Judith, do you think you can turn your attention

from his butt to my penis for just a minute?

Sorry.

Listen, Martin, failure to ejaculate

is a common problem for men,

but I think if you just don't worry about it,

it'll-- it'll just go away, eventually.

Eventually? Well, when?

When? A month, a year? I'll--

I'll go nuts, come on, I-- I need help.

Well, you could talk to a therapist.

I'm talking to one right now, so come on, Judith, fix me.

Martin, you know I can't treat you.

Then can you give me the name of someone who can?

Someone who specializes in...

- Dick? - ...this sort of thing?

Well, I'll look into it.

Ah!

Here's your bleeding cheese, mate,

and good luck with your little problem.

If I don't stop laughing,

I'll have to go to the bathroom.

So, you're having some trouble achieving orgasm?

Not some trouble, a lot of trouble.

You know, it's pretty much an all-or-nothing thing.

Are you hungry?

How about some trail mix?

It's my own blend.

Personally, I don't like coconut,

but I do enjoy picking it out as I go.

Uh, no, no. Thank you.

How about masturbating?

- What? - Do you have an orgasm when you're masturbating?

Well, I-- I don't really masturbate.

Well, last week I accidentally happened to masturbate,

but it didn't work out so well.

I see.

How many sexual relationships

would you say you've had in your life?

Uh...

6,100.

I don't know, an average number.

And how long are you usually involved with a woman

before you become sexually active?

Um...

Forty-three seconds.

I try to really take my time

and-- and get to know the person.

So in other words, you have frequent sexual encounters,

usually of a superficial nature.

And that makes you uncomfortable enough

that you feel you have to lie about it.

Basically, yeah, that, uh-- That about sums it up.

I'm gonna schedule you for twice a week.

Twice a week? Is-- is that really necessary?

No, but if you don't,

you'll just have to live with your problem twice as long.

Well...

...I'll clear my calendar.

Uh, Foreign Affairs and a cherry lollipop.

Thanks.

This is last month's. Do you have the new one?

Okay.

Since when do you read Psychology Today?

Well, my therapist wrote an article on sublimation.

You know, I used to think that psychologists would...

...not for me, but, uh, I don't know, Joanna's great.

You know, I've had some amazing breakthroughs.

Really? Like what?

Well, first we discussed that I still

might be hung up on you.

Ah, no, that makes sense.

But then she made me realize that our marriage

is just another in a series of empty relationships.

Sort of like a 12-year one-night stand.

You know, Martin, there are a lot of therapists.

Maybe you should shop around a little.

Are you kidding? I would never miss a session with her.

Next week we're using hypnosis.

We're gonna uncover some painful childhood trauma.

- Mmm, that sounds fun. - Yeah.

Sorry. That issue isn't here yet.

Oh. Do you know when it's gonna be in?

How the hell do I know?

It's all controlled by the mafia.

Don't tell them I said that.

They'll kill us both.

Nutty as a fruitcake.

Thanks-- thanks for your help.

Okay, Martin.

You're drifting back.

You're ten years old, eight years old.

The years are falling away.

I want you to picture yourself

back in the town where you grew up.

Now, Martin...

some people may have asked you to keep secrets,

but it's okay to tell me.

Do you have any secrets?

My mommy.

Your mommy what?

Picture your mommy.

What is your mommy doing?

My mommy steals tchotchkes from Gimbles.

Okay, that's one secret.

Is there a bigger secret?

Maybe a secret that happens when you're naked?

I touch myself.

- Where? - In the bathtub.

Picture yourself in the bathtub.

Is there someone there with you?

No, no, I'm all by myself.

Are you sure, Martin?

Maybe there's someone there with you.

Concentrate, Martin.

Is there someone washing you?

Touching you?

Maybe tickling you?

- Someone tickles me. - Yes.

Picture yourself in the tub.

Someone's tickling you.

Who is it?

Tippy-Top tickles me.

Who?

Tippy-Top.

Tell me about Tippy-Top.

He has a sailor suit.

Don't you like me as an old salt?

You little landlubber, you.

Cut it out, Tippy-Top.

- Tippy-Top, you know what? - What?

- You're my only friend. - Me?

♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪

♪ Tippy-Top tickles me ♪

♪ Tippy-Top feels my feelings ♪

♪ Deep inside of me ♪

Okay, Martin.

♪ Tippy-Top is a person ♪

- Okay, Martin. - ♪ Real as he can be ♪

Okay, Martin, you're waking up.

I want you to remember everything we talked about.

You're safe and alert.

How do you feel?

Safe and alert.

Martin, who is Tippy-Top?

- I don't know. - Your father?

No.

You said he was dressed like a sailor.

Is there anyone in your family who was a sailor or in the navy?

My family? What, are you kidding?

Think, Martin.

Uh, well, my Uncle Roy

used to take me and my father out on his fishing boat,

and then he made me bait a hook, and I threw up in the ice chest.

Uh-huh, interesting.

Did your Uncle Roy ever give you a bath?

Well, I don't know, maybe.

What? What-- What are you writing?

Martin, this may be difficult for you to hear,

but I think we've uncovered a repressed memory

of your Uncle Roy molesting you as a child.

You little landlubber, you.

Cut it out, Tippy-Top.

That's-- that's crazy.

Martin, all the symptoms are there.

And I think it's this repressed memory

that's interfering with your ability to experience sex

as an act of pleasure.

That doesn't make sense.

I used to orgasm all the time, just like that.

The mind is a mysterious thing.

We never know when or how a repressed memory

will manifest itself.

I think you're making a big mistake.

This is a lot to digest, Martin.

Why don't you think about it, and I'll see you next Wednesday.

I don't ever want to see you again.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right.

Marty, darling, I want you to know I woke up this morning,

I looked in the mirror, you know what I says?

I always seem to have a great deal of trouble

putting on those little rubber panties.

No, Libby, what?

I says, "Libby, today you're gonna make Marty Tupper

the most successful editor in the business."

And when I say "the business," I mean, oh, the industry.

Well, thanks for clarifying that.

Uh, what have you got?

Brace yourself, Marty,

for the most exciting adventure in the entire Tippy-Top series.

- Did I hear it right? - Yeah, but it ain't right.

The-- the what series?

The Lillian series, Marty, you remember?

The latest of my oeuvre is called

Lillian Has an Affair with the Gardener

as Revenge for Her Husband Doing God Knows What.

It all starts when Lillian says...

♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪

♪ Tippy-Top tickles me ♪

You know I dislike that song.

Why is Lillian singing that?

What? She's not singing.

But she could be.

Would you buy the book if she was singing?

Okay, two coffees, one with Tippy-Top, and extra Tippy-Top,

and the other with just Tippy-Top.

No, no, don't do that. Don't do that.

Toby, why-- why are you saying that?

You see, this is why I don't bring him coffee.

No good ever comes of it.

Martin, I just saw the Tippy-Top galleys,

and I have to say, they look Tippy-Top.

In fact, Gibby asked me to tell you that...

♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪

♪ Tippy-Top tickles me, ho-ho! ♪

♪ Tippy-Top feels my feelings ♪

♪ Deep inside of me ♪

They're driving batty.

Marty, you okay?

Yeah, you're looking white as a Tippy-Top.

Uh, excuse me.

You've got to do something.

Everywhere I go, I hear that song, it's like being

trapped in a fucking Dr. Pepper commercial.

Martin, put down the trail mix

before you spill it.

This is a very common symptom.

Now that we've brought your memory to the surface,

your subconscious is just urging you to reach closure.

Closure? Closure, right, right.

How-- how do you do that?

Well, by confronting your Uncle Roy.

I can't. He's dead.

That's right. He's dead, and I'm fucked.

I'll never reach closure, and I'll never reach orgasm.

Why don't you just cut off my dick, and donate it to science?

Martin, don't panic.

There is one other way to reach closure.

- Uh-huh. - It's a little unorthodox.

Oh, no, no, I don't care, I don't care.

I'll do anything.

I'm not sure about this.

Martin, role playing is the only option.

As long as we're role playing, can't the couch play

the role of the tub, and I'll just...

Leave the country and forget you ever knew me.

...put on some clothes?

Come on now, into the tub with you.

Off with the shorts.

For you, I have sacrificed my dignity.

Now, which of these feel right?

Uh...

I guess the-- the battleship,

and-- and the PT boat.

Okay.

Now, we have to reenact this

exactly the way you remember it.

Now, let's begin.

Hello, Martin. I'm your Uncle Roy.

But you can call me Tippy-Top.

Ahoy!

Hello, Tippy-Top.

Do you like me as an old salt?

You know what, Tippy-Top?

What?

You're my only friend.

Me?

♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪

♪ Tippy-Top tickles me ♪

♪ Tippy-Top feels my feelings ♪

♪ Deep inside of me ♪

You little landlubber, you.

Now, Martin.

Uh, stop, stop it, Uncle Roy!

That kind of touching is wrong.

You are invading my personal space, and it makes me uncomfortable.

Martin, you're right.

I was wrong to touch you,

but I am a sick, sick person,

and I need to seek professional help.

I'm very sorry. And thank you, Martin.

That's it?

Do you think I'll be able to...

notice the difference?

Why don't you hold off sex for a while

till we have a chance to talk this through?

- Fine. - And I'll see you Monday.

You were naked?

Well, we were role-playing.

In some cases, that's the only option you have for reaching closure.

I don't know, it sounds a little radical to me,

but, you know, if you feel like you're making progress--

So, have you ejaculated yet?

It'll speed things up if you'll give me a hand.

No, no, not yet, but I have stopped hallucinating,

which I guess, is the next best thing.

Uh, well, what do you want to drink?

Uh, I got beer and...

...salad dressing.

Would you like me as an old salt?

You little landlubber, you.

Cut it out, Tippy-Top.

It's beginning again.

Did you say something?

Martin, come here quick.

- You're my only friend. - Me?

♪ Tippy-Top touches ceilings ♪

♪ Tippy-Top tickles me ♪

What the hell is this?

"The golden age of television.

Red Buttons and Ronnie Howard star in the delightful musical

about a boy and his imaginary friend, Tippy-Top."

That's not me. That's fucking Opie!

This never happened to me. My therapist is a fucking idiot.

Yeah, well, I can't say I'm surprised.

When she called me a one-night stand, I knew she was a quack.

♪ Mysterious as he ♪

♪ Tippy-top is a person ♪

♪ Real as he can be ♪

Okay, Stan, go back.

You're in your room.

Your father is there yelling at you,

making you feel small.

You are a goddamn moron!

Don't yell at me, it wasn't my fault!

- Oh, shut up! - I didn't mean to break your precious lawn mower.

Would you shut up?

Martin, what are you doing here?

I just thought I'd let you know,

Tippy-Top wasn't my Uncle Roy. Tippy-top was Red Buttons.

What? You were molested by Red Buttons?

- No-- - Me?

No, no, no, it's just a stupid TV show

I saw when I was a kid.

Nothing ever happened. My uncle never touched me.

He didn't even look like Red Buttons.

You're not my father. Who are you?

Just some sucker she ripped off for 1,500 bucks.

Martin, I know you're upset,

but this is highly inappropriate.

I'll tell you about inappropriate.

You tickled me while I was naked in a bathtub.

I don't want to do that.

I'm just here for my eczema.

Who molested him, huh? Ward Cleaver?

Maybe I should just go home now.

I can use the cream till next week.

Martin, even if you saw this on TV,

it can be just as traumatic as a firsthand experience.

Perhaps we should discuss your overdeveloped sense of empathy.

Don't give me that psycho voodoo crap,

I want my money back!

I tell you what.

I'll give you a full refund

if you let me use your case study.

What?

I'm writing a book on repressed memory syndrome.

I need ten cases. You're the tenth.

No, no, I'll tell you what.

You write me a check for 1500 bucks,

and maybe I won't sue your ass.

Fair enough. Come in tomorrow, and I'll cut you a check.

Put it in the mail.

I never want to see your face again.

And now that that's decided, this meeting is adjourned.

- Martin, you're like an animal. - Well...

It's been a long time since any human being came into this hut.

...you're just so beautiful.

Oh!

- Off with the shorts. - The--

Off with the shorts.

Martin, is something wrong?

No, no, no, no, no, I'm fine.

Martin, what's the matter?

You little landlubber.

You little landlubber, you little landlubber, you.

Huh?

♪ Tippy-Top Is just tippy-top with me ♪

♪ Tippy-top with me ♪

♪ Tippity-top ♪

♪ With me ♪