Original subtitles

- ? MTV ?

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

? ?

- [chuckling]

- Uh, your brain weighs almost nothing.

What a dumbass.

- Shut up, Butt-Head!

Weigh it again.

I'm gonna think about something heavy,

like rocks or something heavy.

- Wait a minute, Beavis.

Check it out.

- Whoa.

Wow, that guy is cool.

- Yes, he is very cool.

But look, it says, like, he did a crime or something?

And if you turn him in to the police,

you get, uh, a million dollars.

- Oh, so if you, like, find a guy who did a crime

and turn him into the police, you get a million dollars?

- Beavis, I've got an idea.

Uh, sir, Beavis did, like, a crime.

I'm turning him in.

- That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. Give us a million dollars.

Yeah.

- What crime did he do?

- Uh...

- Huh, uh, that one's a stumper, isn't it?

- Uh, sir, can you give us a minute?

[inaudible muttering]

- Um, I spanked my monkey.

- That's not a crime.

- It's not?

Whoa!

You know, that's cool.

- Are you sure, sir?

I heard him doing it, and it was violent.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, that's not a crime.

- Uh, can you give us another minute, sir?

Tell him you stole a house.

- Yeah, I don't know.

If spanking your monkey is allowed,

maybe that's allowed too.

- Uh, yeah.

That's true.

This is hard.

[inaudible muttering]

We thought of a crime, sir.

- Yeah, I stabbed a tree.

- Just get out of here, okay?

- Hey, they look like derelicts.

We should ask them if they know anything about all the graffiti

around 26th Street.

- Uh, is graffiti a crime?

- Yeah.

- Then Beavis did it.

- Yeah. That's right.

- Okay. Book him.

- Yes!

- We're gonna be millionaires.

- I wish it didn't have to be this way.

I really do.

But sometimes in life, we have to protect our own heart,

even if it means ripping it out of our chest.

[gunfire]

- Yes! - Ooh, yeah!

Hell yeah.

- That's how we do it around here.

- Yeah.

America! Yeah.

[SZA's "Kill Bill"]

- I bet we could do better than those guys.

We should become hit men.

- Yeah, yeah, really.

That's a good idea. Yeah.

How do you become a hit man, though?

Oh, I know.

Maybe I'll ask at the unemployment office, yeah.

See if they have any hit man jobs, you know?

- Uh, sure. [chuckles]

Can't hurt to ask.

- You know, at my last job interview,

the guy asked me to stop jiggling my leg.

And I said, shut up, or I'm gonna kill you!

But see, this time on this job interview,

that might get me the job, see?

Oh, this is good.

This is good. Yeah. [chuckles]

- [chuckles]

- And I'll tell you something.

If I was a hit man, I would be the model of professionalism.

And I would even clean the grease traps

if they wanted me to, you know?

- Uh, there aren't any grease traps

when you're a hit man, dumbass.

- Yeah, there are. They're on the grill.

- You're thinking of Burger World.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but, um, you know, I could do all my hits

in Burger World, you know?

Mix business with pleasure, you know?

Oh, you know what else, um?

Like, if I ran out of bullets or something,

I'd give 'em, like, a triple cheeseburger

with a side of Macho Fries,

and then they just die of heart disease, you know?

I got time.

- Also, like, if you were a hit man,

and you didn't wanna come in to work one day 'cause, like,

it was the weekend, you could just say your grandma died.

And then if they said they were gonna go check,

you could just kill her.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, wait a second.

I don't like that, Butt-Head. That's messed up.

You said you have to work on weekends as a hit man?

- Uh, I think you have to work

whenever someone needs killing.

- Uh, yeah, this might not work out.

It was a beautiful dream.

[dramatic music]

- Felony vandalism.

That's a serious charge.

- That's right, sir. It sure is.

We're gonna get a million dollars, yeah.

- Damn right.

- Well, I promise you, Mr. Beavis, as your lawyer,

I will do everything I can to get you off.

- Well, okay, I guess.

But I'd rather it was with a chick, you know?

[gavel bangs]

- Court is now in session for the trial

of the State of Texas versus Beavis.

Prosecution, you may call your first witness.

- There's been a whole lot of graffiti on the side

of the Maxi Mart and all over the neighborhood-

a lot of gang tags and obscenities.

- Whoa, cool.

Yeah, the crime I did kicks ass.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- You do cool crimes.

- Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah.

Um, I do lots of cool crimes, Your Honor.

Can those 12 guys over there hear me?

Did you hear that? Lots of cool crimes I do.

[chuckling]

[dramatic music]

- He told me to my face that he did it.

He confessed.

- But isn't it true that you railroaded him

into that confession?

[both laughing]

- Rail.

- My lawyer is a perv.

[both laughing]

[dramatic music]

- The defense calls Mr. Butt-Head to the stand

as a character witness.

You've been friends with Beavis your whole life,

is that correct?

- Uh, he's not really my friend.

- But you lived together for 20 years.

- I'd like to take the 69th.

[Beavis and Butt-Head laughing]

[dramatic music]

- The defense calls Mr. Beavis to the stand

in his own defense.

Mr. Beavis, we've heard a lot here today.

And I bet you're eager to finally

tell your side of the story.

- Eh. This is boring.

How long is this gonna take?

I'm just here to get my million dollars.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- What million dollars?

- You know, my million dollar reward

for turning myself in for doing a crime.

- There's no reward, Mr. Beavis.

If this court finds you guilty, you don't get any money.

- What?

- You go to jail.

- Now, that sucks.

Um, I have one more question for the judge.

- Proceed.

- Um, is spanking your monkey against the law?

'Cause they told me it wasn't,

and now it's just not as fun anymore.

[dramatic music]

- And so, Mr. Beavis, you didn't do any of this graffiti?

- No, sir.

- In fact, you couldn't have,

because you don't even know your letters.

- I'd just like to state for the record that reading sucks.

- The only reason you confessed to the crime

was you mistakenly believed you would

be paid one million dollars.

- Do I get a million dollars?

'Cause I'm still not 100% clear on it.

- No.

- Eh, that sucks.

- The defense rests.

[inaudible whispering]

- Your Honor, we have just come into a new piece

of evidence we'd like to enter into the record.

- I'll allow it.

[crowd murmuring]

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we did do graffiti. Yeah. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah.

Uh, let the record show that it's a butt.

- Yeah, I forgot about that.

Um, Your Honor, was this in 2024?

I was drunk that year.

I don't remember barely any of it.

[dramatic music]

- We, the jury, find the defendants guilty.

- Wait a second.

Who's the defendants? I thought we did it.

- Yeah.

Someone tell her she got the wrong guys.

- At least these guys know what's up.

- Yeah, really.

Beavis, we're gonna get a million dollars.

- Our plan worked. Yeah.

[heavy metal music]

? ?

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

? ?

[girls giggling]

- Oh, my God, feel better, Cody.

- I wanna sign it next.

- 'Sup.

- I'll carry your books, Cody.

- Butt-Head, what's going on?

Why are all those chicks being nice to Cody when he sucks?

- Uh, I think it's 'cause he has a cast.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they feel sorry for him and stuff.

- And when chicks feels sorry for you,

you're halfway to scoring.

- Yeah, they sign your cast, and then they, like,

do other stuff.

You know what I'm saying?

- Wait a minute.

Beavis, you gotta break my arm so I can get a cast on it.

- Yeah, and then you can break my arm, too,

and then we'll both score.

Yeah.

- No, that would be too much.

If everyone has a cast, then no one has a cast or something.

Now, mess my arm up real good.

- Okay, okay.

I'm gonna go ahead and just break this bad boy.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[groaning]

- Just break it already, dumbass.

Lift with your legs or something.

Uh!

Damn it, Beavis, I said break it.

Don't hurt it.

- Ah!

I guess we're gonna have to think of some other way.

- Well, no one ever got any thinking done here at school.

- You know, they should have a place where you can,

like, learn how to do stuff.

Like, if there was something you didn't know,

there would be people who would, like, teach it to you.

You know?

- That would make too much sense, Beavis.

- Yeah, really.

- Hi.

Welcome to Y2K'S "Big Fun, Fun Show."

I'm your host, Y2K.

I'd like to introduce you to today's very fun,

very special guest, Baby No Money.

[kids cheering]

- Baby No Money?

- Most rappers, like, brag about how much money they have,

but not Baby No Money.

He's poor.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah.

He's got the lowest self-esteem in hip-hop.

- He got his suit at the Goodwill.

[chuckling]

- He's one of those guys who sings all, like, drowsy,

like he's taking sleeping pills.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, everyone sings like that, yeah.

[gibbering mockingly]

Yeah, sometimes I talk like that

when I take a bunch of codeine cough syrup, you know?

[gibbering mockingly]

[chuckles]

Maybe these guys, like, take cough syrup all the time,

and they're like, um- like, um-

what's that word when you take something

all the time and you can't stop?

It's like addic-addic- a dick-

- I think the word you're looking for is cool.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Yeah, my uncle is cool to, uh, crystal meth.

Boy, cool can mean a lot of things, can't it?

- The word cool is cool.

[chuckling]

Oh, no.

- Wha-what? What?

- When I see puppets, I know what comes next.

They're gonna try to teach me how to read.

- Oh, God, yeah.

- All puppets ever talk about his letters.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, it's like, uh, it's like,

after A, B, C, D, the rest is just a blur, you know?

[both chuckle]

- You said D.

[both laughing]

- You know, I used to watch that "Muppet Show" sometimes.

But like, except for that one really hot pig,

there's nothing good on it.

- Uh, oh, yeah.

She's what they call a PILF.

- Yeah.

Yeah, there you go with letters again, Butt-Head.

Come on.

- Okay, Beavis.

I'm gonna lie down, and you're gonna ride down

the hill and run over my arm.

- Okay.

- Ready?

- Ready.

- Go.

- Ah!

Fire!

Ah!

[yelling]

[screams]

- Uh, what happened?

- I don't know.

I had my eyes closed.

- Uh, so did I.

- But it felt like I hit your arm pretty hard.

I mean, I went flying and my head hurts.

- Uh, wow.

That didn't hurt at all.

I didn't even feel it.

- Well, it must be 'cause I hit it so hard.

Is it broken?

- Probably.

Uh, damn it.

I don't even have a scratch.

- Whoa, really?

That's crazy.

It definitely sounded like I hit the sweet spot, you know?

- The problem is, my arms are too strong.

- Yeah, yeah. That's how they get you.

- You're gonna have to do it again.

- I'll-I'll try, but like, my arm really hurts,

and it's, like, bent funny, and I can't move it so good.

- I don't care about your problems, Beavis.

I care about broken arms.

- Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Sorry.

- Now, get back up there so I can score.

- Uh, yeah, yeah, okay.

[grunting]

Ow.

[grunting]

- Hurry up.

- Ow.

- Let's see, there's gotta be something

in here that can break my arm.

[hydraulics whirring]

Whoa.

- You boys don't touch the scissor lift, all right?

Employees only.

- Whoa.

If we're not allowed to touch it,

it must be really dangerous, yeah.

- I can stick my hand in the machinery.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Good idea.

- Now, get up there and start pressing buttons.

- Okay, you got it.

Ow.

Let's see here.

There's a lot of buttons.

Where to begin?

- That's the wrong way, dumbass.

You need to, like, lower it.

[buttons clacking]

- Uh, I can't make it stop.

I'm trying. It keeps going up.

- What are you doing up there, butthole?

Quit choking your chicken and get down here and break my arm.

- Okay, okay.

Let me try this button here.

Let's just see if this-

whoa!

Uh. Uh-oh.

- Damn it. Get back here.

- Oh, no.

Butt-Head!

Butt-Head, what do I do?

I can't make it stop.

Damn it.

Hey, hey, hey.

Where am I going?

What's going on, Butt-Head?

Oh, no, no, no.

Ah! Somebody help!

[horn honks, tires screech] Hey, watch where you're going!

[horns honking] [Beavis screaming]

Sorry down there.

I-I can't control-ah!

Hey, hey. Look out.

[tires screech]

No! [screams]

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, do you know how to work this thing?

Ah! No! No!

Hey, you're all going the wrong way.

Come on. Learn how to drive. [yells]

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, look out. Ah!

No, no, no. [horns honking]

Whoa.

Oh, I made it.

[sighs] Glad that's over.

[screaming]

[groans]

[grunts]

[groaning]

[groaning]

Butt-Head, you finally came!

- Yeah, I thought you might have

got some Jell-O or something.

- No, no.

They say I can't chew Jell-O yet.

But, I mean, check out my cast.

The chicks can sign all over me.

It's full body, you know?

- Uh, no.

By the time they let you out of here,

school will be over for the summer.

All the chicks will be gone already.

- Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but someone's probably signed my cast, right?

- Uh, let's see.

Nope.

- Well, that sucks.

- Well, visiting hours are over.

Let me know if you get some Jell-O.

[heavy metal music]

[rock music]

? ?

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.

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