All language subtitles for 3_eng,English SDH

Mr. Haverford, on the morning of
your crash were you alone in your car?

Tom: Yes.

Your honor, this was an
accident, plain and simple.

I don't want to put
words in your mouth,

but "case dismissed."

And you were texting
at the time, correct?

How dare you, sir?
I was tweeting.

Please, read exhibit c, the
transcript of your Twitter page

leading up to and immediately
following your crash.

"9:15. Four green lights
in a row. #blessed."

"9:17. Drive faster, blue
civic. Damn. #soccer moms."

"9:18. Gotta pass this
lady on the ejkerkj..."

That's when I hit
the fire hydrant.

Sorry, allegedly
hit the fire hydrant.

"9:20. Just hit a fire
hydrant, but I survived.

"#unbreakable. #what's
Mr. Glass up to these days?

"#why no sequel?"

Prosecution rests, your honor.

Mr. Haverford, you have a problem
keeping your eyes on the road

and off your electronic devices.

I'm going to tailor a
punishment to fit the crime.

One week without screens.

No phone, tablets,
computers, television, anything.

No! Please, send me to jail!

Any slip-ups, and that
week becomes a month.

Turn in your phone, please.

Fine. One last tweet? Bailiff!

(Typing)

Press "send," bailiff!
Press "send"!

Howdy.

Hey! What's with the get-up?

I just got back from that
dude ranch with Ricky.

It was really fun. He
bought this for me as a gift.

A cowboy hat from
your cowboy friend.

That makes it sound
like he's a cow.

From your cowboy boyfriend.

Your boy cow cowboy.

Just call him "Ricky."
Okay, great.

Okay, everyone.

Great news, lots of old
people have chlamydia.

Whoo!

Seniors in Pawnee have
a lot of time on their hands,

and what they're
doing with that time

is going at it hard,
old people-style.

A lot of them haven't
had proper sex education,

and as a result, stds
are having a field day.

It's amazing what
a few old guys can do

with a little bit of
charm and a lot of crabs.

Okay, sex avengers, these old
fogies are very set in their ways.

They're hopped up
on e.D. Medication

and they got nothing to lose,

'causetheyte close to death.

Also, seniors can
be pretty ornery.

Actually, I think
it's pronounced "horny."

I have an idea. Let's
pretend that we're old people,

and we can ask Ann our grossest,

most perverted sex questions.

I'll start.

(Nasal voice) I'm an old
lady, why do I need birth control?

I haven't had my monthly
since I.B.J. Was president.

Well, with the elderly, we are
not so concerned with pregnancy.

We're more concerned
with disease.

Do pubic hairs get
longer the older you get?

I don't think so, no.

Because that's happening
to me. What should I do?

Where can I get lube
that is healthy to eat?

I ran over my testicles
with my jazzy scooter.

I think you're
good to go, nursey.

I want to jump on that
caboose. Choo choo!

You should never eat lube,

you need to see
a doctor immediately,

and I'm sorry, su,
butyou have to be

under40to ride this train.

Oh! That's how you
do it, kids. Andy: Nice.

Leron James. We
still on for breakfast?

You are an hour and
a half late for work.

Yeah. Sorry. I can't use
my GPS, but I figured it out.

I just drove around in circles
until I saw something familiar.

You live three miles from here.

Three-point-four according to my
GPS, which I used to use every day.

I can't use screens for a week.

Big deal! I'm adapting.

I built a real-life
pinterest board.

I really wish you
could click those.

Wow, there he is, Barack Obama.

His name is congressman
David Murray,

he is our boss and he is white.

Don't embarrass me.

Congressman Murray,
I'm Ben Wyatt,

coordinating director
of DC. Operations.

And I am April blart, mall cop.

Great! It's a pleasure
to finally meet you, Ben.

Heard such great things.

Oh, well, I really feel
like I know you already.

I've watched all
ofyourspeeches and debates.

It's very inspiring.

Thank you, Ben.

And thank you all
for your hard work.

Now, stay cool. It's a
hot one out there today.

That's right, you
could practically

cook an egg on the
sidewalk. (Laughs)

Terrific.

Okay, let's make
sure we're ready

for the strategy
session tomorrow.

Okay. Okay?

Hey, we're still gonna
assassinate him, right?

Ben! Dontsaythat

What the hell is he doing?

Leslie: Hello, can
everyone hear me okay?

All: No.

Okay, great. I'm
councilwoman Leslie knope,

and today we are here
to talk about safe sex.

I know this is
a personal question,

but how many of you out
there are sexually active?

Oh, my.

I have two partners,
often at the same time.

Wow. Thank you.

Does anyone know what we risk
when we have unprotected sex?

Man 1: Heart attack.
Woman 1: Falling in love.

Partner dies on top of you!

Yes, but the truth is,
the greatest risk you face

is sexually
transmitted diseases.

Are these old people really
having sex with each other?

Donna: Yeah, what'd you
think they were doing?

I don't know, I thought we
were just talking about it.

Oh. (Laughs)

And the best way to prevent
them is to use protection.

Man 2: Well, that's
all fine and good,

but what if the banana
is soft and mushy,

and doglegs sharply to the left?

Leslie: Oh...

Oh, my god, Jerry, when
you check your email,

you go to altavista and type
"please go to yahoo. Com"?

Well, how else would I do it?

You don't have
your email bookmarked?

Do you have any bookmarks?

What's bookmarks?

God, Jerry! You don't
deserve the Internet!

I'm going crazy, Ron!

Life without
screens is pointless.

I made an iPhone out of paper.

It's not the same, though.

This is the work of a lunatic.

You need to detox.

Tomorrow, we'll go to
my cabin in the woods.

It's so far away
from civilization,

the electric company is not even
aware there's a structure there.

(Sighs) Thanks, Ron.

And hey, can you give
me a ride after work?

There's no chance
I can find my way home.

If you encounter this scenario,

simply execute the
following maneuver.

(Door closing) Chris: And stop!

Greatjob, and very informative,

but we need to stop now forever

and pretend like
this never happened.

Why? What's happening?

(Mumbles unintelligibly)

Oh, boy.

Marcia and Marshall langman
are the town's morality watchdogs.

Marcia is motivated,
calculating and hyper-vigilant,

and her husband, Marshall,

is vivacious.

This, that's happening
here, is not allowed!

We at the society for
family stability foundafion

object to this
smut being taught.

It's against Pawnee's
abstinence-only sex education law.

That's only for schools.

Chris: Actually, it's not.

The way the bill is drafted
prohibits any government employee

from teaching anything
but abstinence, city-wide.

Thank you, Chris.
You're welcome.

If we allow this filth to
be taught to our seniors,

the next thing you know,
it'll be in our high schools,

then our kindergartens,
and before you know it,

we have babies
in thong underwear.

Is that what you want?

Yes, that's what I want.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this vulgar sex show is over.

Please forget everything

this horrible woman
has told you.

It is not over.
It is far from over.

Andy, pack up ourbananas!

This is a great idea.
Fresh air, no screens.

I'm getting really good
at chopping wood, too.

You're a regular Paul bunyan.

Ow! I got stung by the wood!

Oh, no, it's a splinter.

I need to get on webmd now!

I need an iPhone or a Samsung
galaxy, something with 4g.

There's no time
for the edge network.

What are you doing? (Screaming)

Got it.

(Sighs) I still think we
should find a computer

and Google
"sterilization techniques."

Yeah, I have a new idea.

You need to purge all of this
garbage from your system.

Talk about all the things
you do on those screens,

and let the words just
float away into the fresh air,

and then we will be done.

Okay, worth a shot.

Every day I start by hitting up

Facebook, Twitter,
tumblr, and Instagram.

Sometimes I like to
throw in linkedln,

for the professional shawtys.

See? That was easy.

Then I like to go on Reddit.

Reddit's great, 'cause it has
all the important links you need.

Yeah. New shirt?

I got it at the dude ranch
with my boyfriend.

You like it?

It's not my favorite shirt,

but it is my
least favorite shirt.

Perd, we strongly believe in
teaching and practicing abstinence.

We all have some crazy
urges from time to time,

but you just can't act on them.

You have to Bury them
way down deep inside.

You have to say, "get out
of here, you crazy urges!

"You are not welcome
in this brain of mine!"

There are some statistics that
I 'd like to share with you now,

and they are numbers.

Some 85% of Pawnee residents
support abstinence-only education.

And the other 15% are perverts.

J. K., you guys. (Laughs)

And 100% of pawneeans
are "perd-verts."

(Laughs) That's the
name I call fans of this show

based on the fact
that my name is perd,

we'll see you after
the break, perd-verts.

(Chris laughs)

Look, we need an
emergency task force meeting.

What do we do?

Objective studies have shown

that abstinence-only
education doesn't work.

People still have sex.

They don't know how
to use protection,

so the disease keeps spreading.

We need to give people
practical knowledge.

Ann Perkins, your
expertise is thrilling,

and frankly, almost arousing,

but the law is the law.

Well, you're on
city council now.

Change the law.

Leslie: The people support this.

I couldn't fight those
numbers even if I wanted to.

It's political suicide.

So we're just gonna do the
thing we know doesn't work?

Great plan. There's
no other option, Ann.

Put away your sex toys and
play with them on your own time.

(Sighs)

I did eat all the bananas,

so you can't play with those.

Hey, nice work on
the jobs research.

Shh. Look.

What am I looking at?
He's not doing anything.

That's the point.

This morning he got in,
sat down in there,

and has been staring
straight ahead, doing nothing.

He's a robot. He's not a robot.

He's just thinking. He's
got a lot on his mind.

Yeah, like, "one, one, zero,
one. Must eat babies for fuel."

(Laughs) Why would a robot
need to consume organic matter?

Sorry.

You know what, they
probably put a TV in there,

and he's watching old speeches
to bone up or something.

Let's go see.

Congressman,

here is the briefing packet

for our strategy meeting later.

Excellent, thank you.

Anything else I can do for you?

No, sir. All systems
are operational.

Great. Stay cool.
Hot one out there today.

Thank you, congressman.

(Door closes)

Wikipedia, mankind's
greatest invention,

you can learn about anything.

Take ray j, for example.

We all know he's a singer,
he's Brandy's brother,

and he was in that classic
sex tape with Kim Kardashian,

but did you also know
he's snoop dogg's cousin

and he was in the '96 Tim
Burton movie Mars attacks?

Suddenly, you're on
the Mars attacks page.

I love gchat. You
can talk to anybody.

I hit up Brad.Pitt.
It wasn't the actor.

It's actually a guy named Brad

that's a teacher in Pittsburgh.

(Gunshots)

We don't have a lot in
common, butwe chat quite a bit.

Emoji are little cartoons
you text instead of words.

Instead of saying,
"what up, boo?"

You can type "what up,"
and then a cute, little ghost,

'cause that means "boo."

There's even
a little Indian guy,

but he has a turban on,
which I think is racist,

but the Asian guy
also has a racist hat on,

and it's like, "hold up, didn't
Japanese people invent this?"

Podcasts. There
are a million of 'em,

and they're all amazing.

Jean-ralphio and
I have one called

"nacho average podcast,"

where we rate different
kinds of nachos.

It seems like...
Okay, that's enough!

No more talking.

But you told me to get
it all out of my system.

I had no idea how much
you had in your system.

This is a real problem, Tom.

You are an addict
and you need to change.

I've downloaded every
episode of intervention.

I know what to do here.

You're right. I am an addict.

I've hurt all my friends and
family with my addiction.

I will accept this
gift of rehabilitation.

I'm proud of you,

but also a bit fearful
that we're verging on

what I call
"feelings territory,"

so let's stare at
the fire in silence.

I've had a breakthrough, Ron.

What do you say you
chop up some more wood,

and I'll take your car and go
grab us some victory steaks?

(Owl hooting)

Perfect.

I'm so glad you've
come to your senses.

Here's our educafional pamphlet.

I recommend you start
reading at chapter three.

Leslie: "Chapter three.

"There's a party in your
pants and no one is invited."

This is crazy.
I mean, obviously,

the best way to prevent disease

is to magically stop all sex,

but that's not gonna happen.

Well, maybe not where you
come from in "tramp-sylvania."

(Laughs) Good one, honey!

I'm from Michigan!

That wasn't worth saying.
Why are you doing this?

You're gonna get up there and say
a bunch of stuff you don't believe?

Well, it's the law.

I get that. I just...

You're not acting like yourself.

Really? You want to go there?

Go where? You know
where we're going.

No, I have no idea, honestly.

Okay, I guess we're going there.

Are we leaving?

You want me to act like myself?

You're dressed like a cowboy!

So? It's fun, and I like it.

When you dated Andy,
you dressed in flannels.

When you dated Chris,
you dressed in spandex.

Ann, please do not lecture
me about acting like myself.

You're dressed like an
abstinence girl on the outside!

God, I'm off my
comeback game right now.

You know what? I don't
care, do whatever you want.

Okay.

Girl, you look like Annie oakley

and pippi longstocking
had a baby and I love it.

A deerjumped in
front of the car,

and then a bear jumped
in front of the deer! (Sighs)

"Tommy edamame is
back on the grid.

"Tell everyone to light
me up with their 'dijjies'.

"Got to load them
into my burner."

Yes, iwent to best buy
and bought a phone.

Out of the car, now.

Where are we going, Ron?

Are we walking to best
buy to get a better phone?

(Rapping) I'm Marshall
langman and I'm here to say

that sex before marriage
is never the way

I waited till marriage
and then some to do it

if you decide to sin
you'll rue it

word.

(Whooping)

Thank you very much, Marshall.

Hello, my aged friends.

Some of you might remember
that I was here before.

I don't remember that.

Well, I was.

But I have a new
message for you.

The best way to be safe
is to simply postpone sex

until marriage.

I am not going to be
told not to have sex

by someone who's
10 years myjunior.

Amen, Gladys. You're right!

Not about the age thing,
about the other thing.

Perhaps you might
understand it better

if I read to you
from this pamphlet,

"so you think you
know more than god.

"Our bodies are god's gift,

"but they're also
the devil's playground.

"The devil likes to hide in all
your private nooks and crannies,

"and if you open too wide,
he might get out, or in." What...

Can we see the condom
demonstration again?

'Cause I don't know
where Lou has been.

(Stammers) Well,
I wish I could, but I...

Screwit. Okay, here.
This is a penis, right?

You put a condom on it,
and you pull the tip like this,

and you roll it all
the way down the penis.

Tell you what,
condoms for everybody!

Who wants some?

(Seniors cheering)
Safe sex for everybody!

This is...

Hey, who wants to party?

It's a censure from the
mayor's office. It's so official.

I mean, look at
the paper quality.

This is no joke.

I know I'm supposed
to help educate the public,

but I also have an
obligation to uphold the laws.

You're my boss.
What's my move here?

Actually, Leslie,
you're my boss now.

That's right. Why am I
still weirdly scared of you?

I'm very confident and I
make a lot of eye contact.

Hmm.

As your city manager, I recommend
that you formally apologize

and that, in the future, you
stick to the letter of the law.

But between you and me,
as your best friend...

What... I kind of admire
what you did up there.

Made me happy that I voted for
you as my city councilmember.

Okay, this is great,
just make sure

that you don't go too
tight on him, all right?

Hey, can I ask you a question?

What's the deal
with the congressman?

Seriously, like, he
seems a little robotic...

Or something?

(Laughs) Yeah, yeah,
he's great, yeah.

He turns it on when he has to,

and when he doesn't,
he just sits there.

There's no surprises,
it's perfect.

Oh, congressman, can
you just sit in the chair

to test the satellite feed?

Okey-dokey.

Just run through some
of your stump speech.

We've gone through
some difficult times,

but we're from Ohio.
We're tough.

We won'tjust survive these
dark times, we will thrive!

That's great. Good.

Cool beans.

See you guys later.

God, I love him. He's the best.

I'm sorry I crashed your car.

Please forgive me, Ron.
Please, Ron?

Please?

What are you doing?
Are you going to kill me?

Why do you need to be
constantly distracted, Tom?

The truth is I spend a lot
of time looking at screens

because recently a lot
of the stuff in my real life

isn't going that great.

So I'd rather play doodle
jump than think about that.

Okay? I'm sorry, I really am.

Go sit in your office

while I consider whether
to turn you in to the judge.

And while you're there,
neither doodle norjump.

Hey. I just wanted to
come lend my support.

What are you going to
say out there? I don't know.

I got censured, it's a big deal.

Well, if you ask me, you were
elected to lead and not to follow.

Which is probably
what I should've said

instead of what I did say.

I feel terrible
about what I said, too.

No, you were right.

I know, but I
still feel terrible.

I'm sorry, continue.

I kind of lost myself
in this relationship.

Iboughtalasso onhne, leshe.

Yikes.

I turned all myjeans
into Daisy Dukes.

My personality
kinda gets swept up

in whatever guy I'm dating,
and I want to change that.

I broke it off with Ricky.

Well, that's good,
but I'll tell you,

he1lnever lasso another heifer

as fine as you, Annie oakley.

The story of that
commercial break is it's over.

Leslie, what exactly
does "censure" mean?

It means that I have been formally
disciplined for breaking the law.

Well, you know what they
say, "you break it, you buy it."

Thatdoesnt really apply here.

Tell that to
the folks at pier 1,

an establishment I'm
no longer allowed inside.

Perd, I'd like to apologize.

Thank you.

Apologize for the
antiquated laws in this city.

States that teach
abstinence-only

have the highest rates
of teen pregnancy and stds.

To continue this
policy is insane.

Look, we all want
the same thing, right?

We want fewer unwanted
pregnancies and fewer stds.

Why don't we use every
weapon that we have?

I know that most of you
don't agree with me on this,

but I'm going to fight very
hard to change your minds,

and until then,
I will take this censure,

and I will wear it proudly,
like a badge of honor.

Wow, strong words from a woman

who is trying to pin a
piece of paper to her blazer.

Next up on the program,
we hear from you, our fans,

in our new segment,
"are you there, perd-verts?"

It's me, perd,
hosting a new segment.

(Moaning)

I'm so bored.

I have something for you, son.

My iPhone?

I am giving you a
non-electronic book

made of paper from a tree.

It is called auto
repair manual: 1982.

You will read this
book from cover to cover,

then you will assist me in
repairing the damage to my car.

I will not report
you to the judge,

but if you slip up again, you
will have much more to fear

than some feeble
government employee in a robe.

Thanks. Two more things.

When you do get your phone
back, you will not stare at it

when you're talking
with another human being.

Look a man in the eye
when you speak with him.

And second, if you ever need

to discuss your
problems with someone,

find Leslie,
she lives for that crap.

Get to work.

They're killing me in the press.

The Pawnee sun is
calling me "loose-ly grope."

But you know what?
I don't even care.

I'm gonna kick all their asses!

I am so fired up!

I'm gonna go right now and
drink, like, 1,000 red bulls

so I can draft a new bill
to undo abstinence-only.

Man, you are just a
machine. Get stuff done.

Hey, why don't you send it
to me when you have a draft?

I'll try to help.
You're the greatest.

But you're gonna have
to take out a lot of cursing,

'cause like I said,
I am very fired up.

Well, you go get 'em.
I love you.

I love you, too.
What are you wearing?

I can't do that right now.

(Leslie laughing)

Yo, you ready to go?

Why, yes, I am, April!

Let's go now!

What's wrong with you?

(Laughs) Wonderful!

Hey, be careful out there.

Traffic is nuts on
the streets and roads.

Oh, no! They got you!

(Laughs)

Terrific! Hey, I'm hungry.

Let's go eat some batteries...
I mean, human food.

Hey, uh, batteries...

I mean, human food sounds
good to me. Wonderful.

Let's go. (Laughs)