Original subtitles

Oh!

I am so depressed.

I never want to go to the farmer's market again.

We don't even deserve this kale.

I wanna kale myself.

Why did we have to run into Lizette?

- Lizette. - Lizette?

How does thin-lipped Lizette from High School have a lip-balm empire?

Remember when people used to call her "lizard lips"?

Yeah. Wow, we were so mean.

Yeah, for someone so busy,

she certainly had plenty of time to brag about herself.

I can't believe we're 23 and already washed up.

Right? What happened to our dreams?

You were gonna be the next Julia Child

with your own restaurant and cookbook

and TV show. You were gonna have an empire.

Yeah, I don't have that.

And I don't have a corner office on Wall Street

with a hot assistant who's secretly in love with me.

- This is a wake-up call. - Yes it is.

- We got to start networking. - Yes we do.

We've got to start emailing all the successful

people we know to help us get to the next level.

Yes, I'm doing that right now.

Okay.

Wow, I don't know any successful people.

Ooh, do you remember Logan Rawlings?

The lesbian magazine editor

- you fake-dated to help Josh. - Yeah!

She's totally successful and could totally help me get to the next level.

What is the next level?

Okay, well you know all those food articles you read about? And then

you're like, "I could've written that," but you never write anything?

Yeah, I'm really good at that.

Well, why don't you write a food article for her magazine?

That is a great idea, Sofia.

You are the smartest loser I know.

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn her head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that, ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I like that, ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

- Morning, guys. - Hey-y-y.

How's it going, buddy?

Aw, are you okay? Do you need a hug?

Look, I know it's been a rough few weeks with my wedding being called off

and Gabi getting back with Cooper, but I'm over it.

I'm fine.

- Aw. - Sure you are.

- Such a trooper. - Yeah.

Hey, stop it. I'm serious.

I've moved on.

And if you guys want your paychecks, you will too.

Wow, look how fit you are.

Must be all that moving on you're doing.

Hey, guys, guess what?

You're moving to China. So sad. Bye!

No.

I decided I needed to take my career to the next level,

so I called Logan Rawlings...

Remember? The lesbian that Elliot pimped me out to?

That was funny.

Well, she called me back and she wants to hear my ideas

on a food article written by me.

Gabi, that's great. I feel nothing...

but happiness...

for you.

Oh, that's Cooper.

Hi, sweetcakes. I have the best news.

See? She's talking to Cooper

and I'm fine.

No, my news isn't that I miss you.

That wouldn't be news. I miss you all the time,

my super Cooper bear.

See, I'm...

Not fine. I will be in my office

with my noise-canceling headphones.

My check's wrong.

Josh overpaid me.

Like way overpaid me.

Well, he way underpaid me.

Oh wait.

This is your check.

You make more money than me?

You're his housekeeper. I'm his publicist!

So? I've been with Josh for a long time.

Exactly.

Shouldn't he realize how worthless you are?

Oh, stop it.

All you got to do is walk in there and ask for a raise.

I do it every other month.

I could never do that.

Why not?

Look, I know I come off

as this confident

self-assured renaissance man...

To who?

But, when I was a kid,

the one time I asked for a bigger allowance,

my dad went crazy.

I made 50 cents a week till I was 18.

By the time I saved up enough money to go to a Wham! concert,

they broke up!

Miss Gabi Diamond.

Hey, Logan, thank you so much for seeing me.

When I told my friends that I had a meeting

- with the great Logan Rawlings... - Don't.

Don't do that.

Don't don't do what?

- Kiss my ass. - Oh.

No, no, no, I wouldn't. I mean, I couldn't.

I mean... you should talk now.

I want a totally unique and hip take

on the San Francisco food scene that hasn't been done before.

Well, I have a ton of cool ideas.

And I have two minutes.

Are you stroking out? Go.

Oh...

Okay, well, you know how everybody these days is eating pretzels?

No.

Well, they are. I was thinking

"30 New Twists on Pretzels."

Get it? Pretzel? Twist.

Here's a twist. I love it 0%.

Okay, well, I have a ton of other ideas.

Like "How to Impress with a Panini."

Get it? Panini? Impress?

You know what I'm gonna press? This button.

- Rafael, please show Miss Diamond out. - No, no, no, listen, Logan.

I am a great chef.

And I could sit here and toss out a bunch of great foods to write about,

- but I'm not gonna do that. - 30 seconds.

Uh, BLT's, tetrazzinis,

fancy cheeses, nougat, hotcakes, lasagna...

- Wait, did you just say... pot cakes? - No.

Maybe.

- That's a fantastic idea. - Which is why I said it.

Well pot edibles are so hot right now.

Yeah. Yeah they are.

Everybody's talking about it, then forgetting what they're talking about. Ha!

Yeah, unfortunately, it ruins the way food tastes. It's hard to cook with.

Trust me, no one has ever tasted pot in any of my food.

Okay, get me a killer 500-word piece

about cooking with pot in two days

and I'll run it in this month's issue.

Please, two days? I could have it for you in one.

- Really? - No, I'm gonna need two.

Whoever said success doesn't happen overnight

has never spent the night with me.

Logan wants me to write an article for her magazine.

Oh my God, and I got a meeting with one

of the managing partners to talk about a promotion.

That's amazing. Let's celebrate

by buying a big bag of marijuana.

Uh, what?

Oh, my article's about cooking with pot.

- Pot? - Yeah.

Gabi. Seriously, you've never cooked with pot.

Yeah, I didn't know how to paint with socks either, but our bathroom turned out great.

You know what? You're right. Look at us.

We push ourselves and the world opens up.

Oh yeah speaking of pushers, does Dimebag Dave still live downstairs?

No, he moved. To jail.

Look if you're gonna do it, at least do it honestly.

Fake an illness and get a cannabis card

like my Nana did.

Well I don't know. I-I'm only good at lying to people I know.

I mean I'm starting to get nervous and anxious about this.

That's perfect. Just tell the doctor

you need weed to calm your nerves.

Hey, that's a great idea,

and then I won't be lying.

But since I won't be lying, I won't be nervous.

So I-I will be lying.

But I also won't be.

Are you stoned already?

- Are you sure this is gonna work? - Let me do the talking.

I know what I'm doing. I'm from the streets.

You grew up in a gated community.

Yeah, but was it keeping people out

or us in, chica?

- Come on, Sofia. - Shh.

Never say your real name.

Call me Lil So-So.

Sup?

So my homegirl here jacked up her neck in a drive-by.

Actually, it was a drive-thru.

My kid's meal didn't come with a toy

and I was all "Hell no..."

- Could I see the doctor? - Sure.

- He'll be with you in a moment. - Okay.

- Act like you're in pain. - What?

Ow!

Okay, we'll start by checking your vitals.

Wow, you're a cashier and a doctor.

You're a double threat. I'm also a notary public,

but enough about me. Consultation's 200 bucks

and it includes a half-ounce.

Uh, 200 for a half-sack?

That's a straight ripoff, G.

Cut the act, Dora the Explorer.

If you can find a better price somewhere else,

- hit the road. - Oh, I can find a better price.

But I don't like to take the bus after dark.

Elliot, Josh is alone in his office.

It's a perfect time to ask for a raise.

I just got another one.

I can't do that.

What if he yells at me? I'm already starting to sweat.

Elliot, Josh isn't your daddy.

No matter how many times you try to sit on his lap.

Hey, Dad... I mean, Josh?

I was wondering if I could talk to you about something.

Okay, look,

I know when Gabi was talking to Cooper,

I let my feelings bubble up a little bit,

but it's not gonna happen again.

I've just got to focus on being her boss

and being professional.

That's brilliant, Josh.

If I had a glass, I would raise it to you.

Raise.

That's a funny word, huh?

Everything okay, Elliot?

See, I've worked for you for a while,

and um, this place is like a home to me,

except there's no shrine to Anderson Cooper.

Are you sick?

You're sweating, like, a lot.

Am I? Whoa!

- Are you okay? - Never better.

Good talk. Gotta go.

Girl, are you cooking with weed?

What is wrong with you?

It's cool, Yolanda. Josh is letting me.

Oh.

Well then fix me up a gin and juice

and let's blow this penthouse party up!

Hey!

I'm making edibles for my article and I have to turn these in by three o'clock.

- Hey, guys. - Oh, hey, Josh.

Thank you so much for letting me use the kitchen.

- You're my hero. - No.

Just your boss

who thinks of you in a completely professional capacity only.

Oh, I know what's going on.

You-You're worried that I'm gonna get another job and leave you.

Ha ha, well, ah, if you left, I'd let you go because I am very good at letting go.

Well, you don't have to worry about that.

I'm not. That would be a feeling and I don't have those.

Bye-e-e.

Huh! He seems really stressed.

I'm gonna put a few of these aside for him.

Hmmm...

Uh Gabi, don't taste too much of that.

I had a friend get so high, she had sex with a beanbag chair.

Well don't worry. I'm only taking tiny tastes, and I

have to make sure it doesn't taste like pot or Logan's not gonna use it in the article.

Fine.

But don't coming running to me

when normal sex doesn't feel good anymore.

Engaging, funny.

Oh, there's no "w" in "marijuana."

- But I'm impressed. - Really?

Don't get too excited. I have to try your food first.

Okay.

Son of a bitch. Are you sure there's marijuana in this?

Tons. It's like a Seth Rogan movie in there.

Then congrats, Gabi. You got your first article.

Oh my God, thank you so much.

Logan, I'm sorry to interrupt.

What? I'm meeting with a very talented new writer.

We've got a problem.

Trisha just got offered her own cooking show and quit.

- Get out. - No, it's true.

No, I'm talking to you. Get out.

That pear-shaped bitch was making six figures working part time.

Where the hell am I gonna find another food editor on such short notice?

Did you say six figures or stick figures?

Hey. Crazy idea.

Gabi, you wouldn't have any interest in being our food editor, would you?

- Seriously? - Absolutely.

I think you're the modern voice of food today.

And so much prettier than that cow Trisha.

Oh my God, Logan, thank you so much.

This would be my dream job.

The answer is yes!

Yes, yes, yes,

Gabi.

Wake up.

Josh?

I think you sampled too many of your recipes.

You passed out hard.

So I'm not the Food Editor of San Francisco Monthly?

No.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I have to get these in by three o'clock

and it's totally dark outside.

Tell me there's a solar eclipse!

- It's 9:00 pm. - No!

Oh, I missed my deadline 'cause I was stoned!

This stuff should be illegal.

Guess who's back to being a 23-year-old loser?

Well, not me, so it must be you.

Hey, that's mean.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Success has changed me.

Come on, tell me everything.

Well, I got stoned off my own food,

fell asleep in a pile of laundry and missed my deadline

and now Logan won't even see me!

I mean, at least I'm a success at failing.

Look at you finding the silver lining.

Positive attitude. That's Chapter V of Mr. Stubner's book.

I am also rewatching his TED Talk

and following his dog on Twitter.

I am gonna nail this interview tomorrow.

I don't even want to see these anymore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no. We put a lot of money into these.

Chapter VIII... never waste inventory.

Let me see if these are any good.

Wait. Hold on. They're really strong.

Bitch, please.

You think Lil So-So's afraid of a little chronic?

Oh my God. Gabi, these are delicious.

I just had a great idea.

Oh my God, these are amazing.

They make me wish I wasn't already stoned.

Yeah, they're that good.

And they're small, so you won't be full when you get the munchies.

So what do you think?

I'll give you five bucks a piece.

- Ten. - Eight and I'll throw in a dolphin bong.

Nine. Make it two vaporizers

and I'm gonna need a copy of my passport notarized.

You drive a hard bargain, but deal.

Can you get me 100 by next week?

A hundred?

At $9 a piece.

That's $9,000.

Yes. Yes, it is.

- Miss Rodriguez? - Mr. Stubner.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Oh my God.

This is not where I read to the blind.

Sofia, we both know my job is stressful.

What do you think I do during all those bathroom breaks?

I thought you had I.B.S.

Mini quiche, Mr. Stubner?

Oh, oh, I don't mind if I do.

Mmm...

Very impressive negotiation, by the way.

Really? Thank you.

You were direct and no nonsense.

We admire that at the firm.

You know what?

You don't need to interview. The promotion is yours.

Oh my God. Th-Thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sofia. Sofia, wake up!

I won't let you down, Mr. Stubner.

What? Wake up. You fell asleep.

What? I did?

Oh.

So I'm not Mr. Stubner's new Junior Vice President?

No.

What time is it?

10:00 am.

Oh my God, I slept through my interview! Why didn't you wake me up?

Because I'm irresponsible! It's kind of my thing!

Mr. Stubner has an entire chapter in his book

about the importance of being punctual.

He'll never promote me now.

Oh God. I'm a 23-year-old loser again.

Yeah well, welcome back.

The, ah, plastic silverware and stolen ketchup packets have missed you.

Well, at least we still have jobs.

Yeah.

Unless we get fired for being totally late! Come on!

I did it!

I finally came up with a way to ask for a raise.

I made a recording on my phone

of me asking for one in a calm confident voice.

That I'm going to lip sync to when I meet with Josh.

Is your bow tie on too tight?

You just watch.

Josh, it's me...

Elliot, your hardworking,

competent and favorite employee.

Of many years.

Fluffykins, no!

I'll edit that out.

So in summation,

I would really appreciate an increase in salary,

more commonly known as a raise.

So what do you think?

That was the worst kung fu movie I've ever seen.

- Hey, is lunch ready? - Sure is!

Ta-da!

What's all this?

It's a special lunch that I made for you.

Not a lot of bosses will let their employees

take a five-hour nap on the laundry room floor.

Yup. Not a lot of employees would do that.

Listen, ah, can I ask you something?

- Is it personal? - No, it's completely work-related.

- Ask away. - Okay.

So have you ever been so close to getting something that you really wanted

and then it just slipped through your fingers?

What I'm asking is, you know,

how do you deal with failure?

Well, first of all,

- it sucks. - Right?

Yeah, you feel horrible.

And you try to stop thinking about it,

but you keep playing it over in your head over and over,

and then your friends start pitying you,

so what do you do? You have to tell them you've moved on.

But how do you get past it?

I don't-I don't know. Just pretend you're fine.

It buys you time until hopefully you realize that...

Everything happens for a reason

and maybe things didn't work out because there's something better out there for you.

Something better than cooking with drugs?

I think you're right.

Thanks, Josh. You're a really good friend.

Boss.

- Friend-boss. - Boss-friend.

So what's this important thing you needed to talk to me about?

Is this why you've been acting so weird?

Okay, so how much were you thinking?

Okay, Elliot, sure.

See? That wasn't difficult, was it?

I want you to know you can come to me for anything.

- Thanks, Josh. - You're welcome.

And since this was your first time asking for a raise,

anything else I can do for you?

I don't know. How about you take your shirt off?

- Elliot. - Sorry.

You know what?

After all you've done,

I'll do it.

More, more, more!

- Elliot, wake up. You fell asleep! - What?

So Josh didn't take his clothes off and dance for me?

No.

And you still make more money than me?

Yeah!