Original subtitles

Get the ass off of me.

Easy.

Come on.

Come on, lick.

Suck on it.

Suck. Come on, get it.

Get in your fucking mouth and suck.

Can't you take any more of that?

Honey, get out of here.

Gotta stop drinking.

notice her and she's here. Kelly, I'll just be a minute.

You told me you weren't married.

I lied.

Oh, I would have never was a married man.

You're lucky to get anything new, sweetheart. Come on. Anything. At this

come on.

In a minute.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Mate.

Morning, Kelly.

I didn't realize I had the chain on the door.

You live like a pig, you die like a

rat. You know that, Mac?

You've got to stop sleeping here.

I know, but what can I do?

I mean, five years I've been in that apartment, and this must be the 20th

she locked me out.

Just for being a little late with the rent.

I mean, she's a bitch.

You think after five years that... I'm only four months late anyway. What's

months? After five years, I should be able to... Maybe you should start using

this instead of here.

You might think clearer.

You mean... You mean throw a little poop on steak once in a while?

You should be a fucking detective.

I am a fucking detective. I mean detective.

Not a bad idea.

She might even let me back in my apartment.

Well something better happen. We haven't had a job in months.

Maybe my prices are too high

We made an awful lot of noise.

Phillip must have been.

Detective Agency, please hold.

Thank you for holding.

No, he's on a long distance call from the Bahamas.

Would you care to hold or should I take a message?

Thank you.

Mr. Philip Morris.

Yes, thank you for holding.

I'll transfer you now.

Take the McGamro papers over to Johnson's office and tell them I don't

see them again until they're filled out properly.

And get Chief of Police Watterson on the phone. Just get it done the way I want

it.

Hello, McDonald here. Make a brief. I'm busy.

Oh, Mr. Morris. What a pleasant surprise.

Oh, of course.

I'll check with my lame -brained secretary to see if she has any idea

I'm free or not.

You want to see me?

Good deal.

Yes, yes, I'm free this morning.

Around noon?

Fine.

I'll see you then.

Bye -bye.

Oh, what did you do that for?

Lame -brained. Oh, lame -brained. Oh!

Oh.

No, it's on the floor. But did it hurt?

Come on. What? Come on. Show me where it hurts.

I'll make you feel better. No.

Come on. No.

Come on.

You will? Give me that.

It'll make you feel better.

Come into the den.

I want you to help me with something. It's very important.

Now, sir?

Yes, now. What do you want me to do?

RSVP you?

Rufus?

What the hell were you doing down there anyway?

Looking for termites, sir.

Termites?

Oh.

Philip, you're spying on me again.

You're wet.

Water will do that sometimes.

I called that detective you recommended.

Good. When's he coming over?

He said in about an hour.

Are you sure, absolutely sure, he's the finest detective in town?

That's what I was told.

Why?

No reason, really.

But he...

He seemed a bit unusual.

I mean, he just... Philip, you're being paranoid again.

And why do you want to detect it anyway?

Oh, for a friend of mine. Well, who's in trouble.

What friend?

Oh, you don't know him.

I'm making a mess.

What if you clean up?

We gotta get over to, what's his name, Josh?

What's his name?

I'm Shane Morris.

Clean the fucking place up, would ya?

Does it feel better now, baby?

Don't remind me.

You sounded as if you were a very busy man when I was speaking to you on the

phone.

He's a gorgeous male specimen.

What? Your boss, Mac.

He's, uh, very handsome.

Hmm. Yes. Yes, he is.

How should I put this more tactfully?

Is he, uh, a good buck?

A good buck.

Oh, no thanks. I just had one.

I think we should finish our discussion in private.

Okay.

Excuse us, ladies.

We have some business to discuss.

Man talk. If it's one thing that disgusts me more, it's man talk.

Well, I'm sure we're quite capable of entertaining ourselves, Philip.

Aren't we, Kelly?

Two weeks from Monday to 10.

Put on that.

I'm having my legal counsel over for a formal reading to the changes of my

Oh, no, not for me.

No, I'm feeling a bit lightheaded.

Oh, just a little more won't hurt.

Something to sniff?

It's a wonderful feeling.

I'm an infomaniac, you know.

Really? No, I didn't.

You know, when I was a little girl, I had claustrophobia.

But I grew out of it.

Claustrophobia? That's a man's disease.

They're like small, damp places.

The smaller and damper, the better.

You're absolutely right.

A beautiful woman like you shouldn't be wasted on a phobia.

But I like men.

I always have.

So do I.

Unless something better comes along.

Mrs. Morris.

Marcy. Oh, was that so bad?

Well, no, but I really shouldn't.

Are you afraid someone will walk in on you and catch you doing something so

terrible?

considered making some very drastic changes as to how much and to whom I'm

to leave my fortune.

Do you think I'm strange?

No. Should I?

Well, some would.

I guess it's when you're married to someone as rich and old as Philip, you

afford to indulge in your fantasies.

Do you have any fantasies, Kelly?

Yeah.

Might one of them be me?

Well, yes.

We like it.

You see, Mac, as of this moment, not even my attorney know of the chain.

In the last few days, I have been receiving some letters and

pictures and the like.

Dear Daddy, coming to visit you the 8th and 9th.

Joni. P .S. Daddy.

Watch out for Walter.

He's been saying terrible things about you.

oh my goodness

My oldest daughter, Joni, she teaches physical education in a high school in

Walnut Creek. She's got a job to prove her independence.

Well, I know she hates me.

Here is Carol.

I have stipulated in my will that each child gets $5 ,000 a month.

Hmm.

What worries me, Mac, is that they should suddenly become wary of each

I mean, that doesn't surprise me.

God knows they're a neurotic triumvirate.

But for all of them to show up for the weekend

together... You'd like to avoid an incestual bloodbath?

Oh, hey, at least on the premises.

My position is firm, Mac.

This is not an ordinary assignment.

My houseboy, Rufus, has a check made out to you for $2 ,000 in your name.

If I'm alive on Tuesday morning, there's a bonus of $25 ,000 for

you. Well, you can go to the bank with that, Mr. Morris.

No.

I can live with that.

You can go to the bank with it.

When it's my turn to hit, I never miss.

All three of your children will be taken care of properly.

Good. My life depends on it.

So, uh, what did you and Mrs. Morris have to talk about?

Oh, this and that.

Marcy's a very fascinating woman.

Oh, Marcy, huh?

What do you mean by fascinating?

Well, you know, provocative, many -faceted.

Sexy? You said it.

Kelly,

wait. This guy could be a real loony.

I mean, his father says... So you do worry about me.

No, hey, not really.

Let me tell you something.

I just don't want to feel guilty, you know, in case something does happen to

and I have to keep all the money myself.

Bama. I love you. I should have known.

I thought you did, too.

I just left Kelly off at Grant and Wilcox in North Beach.

She'll learn all she can about Walter Morris.

I'm a little disturbed, though.

It's her first solo assignment, and I always consider detective work a little

like sexual intercourse. It's more fun when you have someone to help you.

We're here.

Hi. I'll give you a blowjob if you can take me up the intersection of 580.

You sure you won't bite?

Come on, are you kidding?

I won't bite.

No biting.

Not very far.

I'll hold it. So will I.

Okay.

I'll say thanks a lot. I really appreciate this. What?

I said I really appreciate this. It's hotter than... It's hotter than... I'm

phonia.

to find out what I can about Joan and Carol, one during the day and the other

night.

This could present a problem, since they live 50 miles apart.

Joanie jogs every day at Cherry Park.

I join her tomorrow without causing any suspicion, but I won't try to show her

up since she's a member of the Williamson's.

Oh, chauvinist.

Calm down and keep studying.

And Carol is a loner, doesn't like to socialize. They brought her.

Probably a virgin.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that feels good.

Bastard.

Don't come in my mouth, okay?

I don't like that.

Well, I'm not going to come all over the scene for Christ's sake. I've got to

drive this car all the way to Walnut Creek.

I'll catch it, but I don't... Walnut Creek?

Nice town. My sister and her family live there.

What about parties?

I love parties.

You could stop by my place.

Good idea.

think of like you know hemingway and faulkner and sinclair lewis and like the

whole lost generation like uh they're really lost man heavy heavy i can

tell you're into the whole scene is there anything else oh wow

all right

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Hi, honey.

Hi, how are you?

Who the fuck is this?

My old man.

Who, your old man? What is he, a faggot who wants to fuck me in the ass? What's

going on?

He wants to watch. He wants? He wants to watch.

Mr. What? Well, I'd like to watch, too. Why don't you suck his dick?

How about it? Huh?

Is he a comedian?

Huh? He is a comedian.

Yeah, he is.

There's a smile. What is this shit?

Nice to watch, huh?

Yeah. He spoke.

I don't believe it. He spoke.

He spoke.

He's trying now.

He just fucked?

Watch it, get a blowjob, and say two words a week.

What's your

name?

Oh, his name is O.

What's your name? Who was that again?

Tonya, right?

Nice to meet you.

Hey, I don't have to wait for you.

Is either guy not a faggot?

Answer my question.

He's not a faggot. Can't you tell?

I don't know.

Come on, tell me. What

is it? What is it?

I'm done!

Then I told him, I said, you see more water, man, when the tide's in.

You see more land when the water's off the sand.

Trippy. Yeah.

It was too heavy. I mean, the dude started flipping out and acting crazy.

I'm looking for a friend of mine, Walter Morris.

You know him?

Yeah.

Weird guy, your friend, lady.

Hangs around.

Strange. Hey, beware the duck that flies in the Campbell's soup, huh? You know

what I mean?

Yeah, gotcha.

Do you know where he lives?

Hey, yeah, up on Temple Street somewhere. I don't know exactly.

Whoa.

No.

Kurt. You're lucky I almost gave you too much.

Who are you?

Oh, Mike.

That's beautiful, bitch. Real cute.

You come sneaking into this apartment, my apartment, and you ask me who I am?

Look, I thought... I was looking for George.

George Henderson.

Don't lie to me, cuz.

I know a hell of a lot more than you might think.

My father sent you.

You're supposed to kill me.

What? You're crazy. Shut up!

That's very clever.

A lady assassin.

The last thing poor Walter might expect.

I don't... I don't know what you're talking about.

You're driving me, bitch.

As soon as you realize I'm not fucking around, the better it's going to be for

both of us. Do you understand that?

Now, how much is he paying you?

Paying me for what?

If you don't mind, I prefer to run alone.

Not any competitive jogging, huh? I'm into all forms of competition, buddy.

I'm not running a hundred -yard dash. I'm exercising.

Which, by the way, it looks like you could use plenty of. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You fat -ass button pushers come out here once every six months and think

you're class -A athletes.

Most of you just about drop dead after half a lap.

You don't know how to warm up, and you don't know how to run, either.

Is that a fact?

It's a professional opinion.

Jogging is more like physical meditation.

But in your case, labor pain.

You're just not even competing because I'm a man. Is that a fact?

You jerk. What did I tell you anyway?

If you'd have croaked, had a heart attack or something, I would have just

you lying there. You know that?

I hurt my arm.

Well, you just rest there a while.

I'll fix you something cold to drink.

Good. That'd be great.

My special brew.

It's ground raw liver with chicken heart in soybean milk.

Are you for real?

You know, you're not that bad looking.

You weren't such a typical male nitwit. And a physical slut.

I'm a good fuck, though.

No kidding.

For how long? Twelve seconds?

I like long -distance runners.

No hundred -yard dashes.

How about a full Walter?

Here you go.

I wanted to meet you.

I've never even seen you before.

I'm a peeping Tom.

You are not.

Why did you want to meet me?

Well... You asked too many questions.

No, rest first.

What?

I wouldn't know where to dump your body if you... You are a terrific lover.

Hmm.

Oh. Oh.

Too bad you won't get a chance to report back to him.

And pretty soon, there ain't gonna be no more heirs for my daddy's fortune.

You understand what I'm trying to say?

What do you mean, no heirs?

Take my word for it.

What do you want?

Joe sent me.

I'm just kidding. A joke. A joke. I'm here to see Carol.

Carol? Who are you?

Mickey's fling. Oh, yeah?

I've heard of you.

Come on in.

Thanks.

Get an extra foot.

Take off your clothes.

What?

You're not my type.

I'm an encyclopedia salesman.

Oh.

Aww.

Lock him together.

You're not... No, you're not. You know what, Carol?

Hmm.

Carol. Carol Morris.

Who are you?

Hey, I don't need you no more, pal. Hey, man. Hello. You got a good head.

That's good. Go play with one of the other girls.

Carol Morris. Who are you?

I'm the plumber.

Plumber? Yes.

Oh, my God.

you

Come on, that wasn't a fire. That was a prank. He's making a joke. Come on,

let's have some fun.

What the fuck is this? It's exactly like somebody said fire.

Fire,

huh? Get down.

Named what?

Encyclopedias. What the hell is an encyclopedia? Pool toy.

Gee, I got one of those.

Everyone should.

You look kind of tired.

I feel a little tired.

Oh, really?

I'll tell you.

Same thing, day in, day out.

Trying to bust the old massage parlors.

Trying to close down the porno houses.

Oh.

You guys are lucky that you're in my territory, you know.

These other cops, they're kind of closed down to town practice.

I don't know about that, Frank. I think you've been asking for a little bit too

much lately.

Well, the way I look at it, you know, I treat you guys fairly, and, you know,

you guys treat me nice.

Oh.

Listen,

it could be the chief.

Oh, Frank. I got a job. I don't want to lose my job.

Hello? Oh, Frank, it's Mac.

Mac?

Look, Mac, I'm busy right now.

Could you call me back later?

Hey, Dick Tracy, I need your help. It's important.

Yeah, but I'm involved now. You know, I've got some important things to take

care of.

I'll call you back later.

Remember the Mettler case, Frank? You still owe me one.

It's Kelly.

Kelly?

I think she's with a guy named Walter Morris, and I think she's in some real

trouble. I've got to find her fast.

Look, if I help you out this one time, then we're going to be even.

All right.

Look, call me back later. Where?

Here.

Goodbye, Mac.

All right.

What was that all about?

Ah, shit.

Come on, Stan. It's important.

I owe this guy one favor. He helped me out before.

Oh, no.

I've got to go down to the station. I've got to.

Oh. Stay right here. This is a party, Poop. Stay here. I'm going to take care

it. I'm coming back.

God, he just leaves us here.

Oh, I know.

Uh -huh.

See, you guys started without me.

I got a little catching up to do.

I'm afraid I'm going to need you a lot.

Why don't you join in?

I'm going to finish. I can keep the clothes off. I'm coming right in. Oh.

Hurry. I have had a hard day, and

I deserve a good time.

Set away.

I'm going to do my best.

Well, I should think that after two hours.

I want to go right back in the middle of you.

You're

blowing

that ear.

Oh, damn.

Girls, I'm sorry.

This is the last phone call I'm going to answer. I swear to God.

God, you're kidding.

Hello?

Yeah, Mac, I thought it was going to be you.

Listen, it's the apartment building over on Chestnut.

226.

And if you don't find him there, try the Wild Side Coffee House. It's over on

Temple Street.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

You okay?

Yeah. Did you catch him?

Hell no.

Who was he anyway? Batman? I felt like I was chasing a monkey.

I don't know who he was, but he shot Walter.

Where is he?

He crawled off, and I didn't want to yell or anything.

Oh, that feels good.

I thought we should talk first. I'm scared to get involved.

Why?

I don't know. I'm just being cautious.

It's happening too much.

We're into bad trouble.

What about my car?

We can get it later. Right now, I've got to see some people named Morris.

I'd rather pass.

Well, you have a chance to right now.

I want you to use your feline powers to get Frankie to do us one more favor.

What can Frankie do that we can't? Arrest people.

Like who?

Like Mr. Morris and his houseboy, Rufus, who's been following us since we

started this thing.

Yeah, I didn't recognize him at first because of that beard, but I got a close

look. I could tell.

I didn't even know there was a Rupert. It's because you're a lousy detective.

When you were in screwing Mrs. Morris, you should have been doing your job.

Well, you don't fuck around, do you?

I haven't stopped working since I started on this thing.

Morris' own house boy.

Then Morris had his own kids killed.

And since you obviously can't kill someone and then collect insurance on

we... He's been framed.

He should be a fucking detective.

Very clever.

How does Frank fit in?

Simple. I'll go on ahead and get the ball rolling.

Now, I'm going to try to get Morris to admit what he's done to me, which may

seem harmless enough. And by the time you and Frank get there, we'll be ready

put the handcuffs on him. And even if not, we'll be off the hook.

Which is the most important thing right now.

But how are you going to make him confess?

Well, I haven't figured that out yet, but if Rufus is as stupid as I think he

is,

there just might be a way.

And what if Frank won't come?

He will.

You just tell him that he'll have a collar big enough to earn him a big

promotion and a big commendation. If that doesn't work, tell him to suck him

off.

Tell him you'll go to bed with him.

And if that doesn't work, I'll tell him you'll go to bed with him.

Who's there?

Oh, shit. You guys aren't going to believe this.

You're not getting up now, buddy. I've got you pinned. You understand.

You understand. I just got to answer that door. I got to.

What?

You're kidding.

I'm sorry. I got to.

You got to understand.

Oh, shit, man.

Just a second. I'll be right back.

For Christ's sake, who's there?

Frank, it's Kelly. Let me in.

Oh, Kelly.

Kelly, I have company.

Frank, this is important.

Kelly, I'm square with Mac. Yeah, but not with me.

Look, Kelly, I'm busy. You can see.

Yeah, well, I'll wait and watch.

Well, don't you want to join us?

company can second lady oh is she gonna join us good friend of mine

Thanks, but really, she should be going.

Oh, that was good.

Okay, Kelly, I'll be right there, ready to go.

Oh, you really are a party pooper. Be good and don't break the law.

The next time you have a friend over, make sure she can join.

Yeah. Really.

Stick him with him.

Good morning.

Yes?

McDonald's, isn't it?

Yeah.

Is Mr. Morris expecting you?

No, but I think he'll see me.

I think you did it.

I beg your pardon, sir?

Aren't you some sort of butler or something?

Yes, sir.

Well, isn't the butler always the one?

I'm not sure I know what you mean, sir.

Ah, never mind. Thanks anyway.

I appreciate the help, Rufus.

I think I'll keep all the money myself.

I didn't expect to see you for another week or so. Come on, let's sit down. I

know I'm here a little early, but the job's done, so I thought I'd come by and

get paid.

What do you mean the job's finished?

Look, it's the 11th until next week.

I know what day it is.

You were only concerned with safety from your sibling monsters.

So?

So you don't have to worry about them no more.

What are you saying, Lack?

Oh, come on.

You didn't offer me nearly $30 ,000 to babysit.

I... I offered you that money to ensure my safety, which I did.

May I ask how?

Don't be stupid. I did your dirty work. Now give me my money.

I think he's trying to tell you that he killed your children.

I swear, Mac, if this is true, I'll see that you get the goddamn chair.

Well, you'll be right there with me, sweetheart, because all I did was your

bidding.

Come on, Morris.

Pay me $25 ,000. All right, I'll pay, but I'll tell you you'll never catch me.

I'll see if they fry your goddamn ass first.

Calm down. $25 ,000.

Hey, what are you giving them all that money for? Shut up, you idiot.

For killing Johnny, Carol, and Walter.

What do you think?

But $25 ,000.

That's right.

But... You see, Rufus...

Twenty -five grand for a couple days' work. That's not bad.

How much do you make?

Come on, get it up.

You'll pay dearly for this.

Philip will see to it that you and your secretary both hang.

In the meantime, take your money and get out of our house.

Now!

Thank you, I'll take that.

But that's my money.

Shut up, you moron!

But I killed the children. It's my money. What are you saying, you idiot?

told me to.

It's mine.