Original subtitles

["Chop Suey" playing]

♪ Wake up Grab your brush and put a little makeup ♪

♪ Hide your scars To fade away the shakeup ♪

♪ Why'd you leave your keys Upon the table? ♪

♪ Maybe go create another fable You wanted to ♪

♪ You wanted to ♪

♪ You wanted to ♪

♪ You wanted to I don't think you trust… ♪

What in the frig?

- * Self-righteous suicide * - Car, pull over.

With attitude!

♪ I cry ♪

♪ When angels deserve to die! ♪

Oh, you gotta be shittin' me. So it's gonna be like that?

So it's gonna be like that?

Car,

open to-do list.

Add task,

"Drag Molly Wells to Hell."

Close to-do list!

♪ Father, father Father, father ♪

♪ Father, father Father, father ♪

♪ Father, into your hands ♪

- * I commend my spirit * - [horn honks]

♪ Father, into your hands Why have you forsaken me? ♪

["Gimme That Money" playing]

[song ends]

Quite a statement

to buy every single billboard across all of Southern California.

Well, that's how important Molly's message is.

And we didn't buy every single billboard.

We left the ones up for Cirque du Soleil "Magique,"

because art will not die on our watch.

[anchor] Why a boycott?

Corporate profits are the only thing billionaires care about.

So, this is how we're going to get their attention.

We're gonna hit them where it hurts.

[exclaims] Excuse me.

- Thank you. - Nice work. This is amazing.

Well, I'm sorry I'm working from home today.

I just… I want to give Arthur a little bit of space at the office.

Sure. And as your coworker, you know,

I'm thankful for you discreetly handling that breakup.

But as your friend, you're gonna have to butter this scone, girl,

because it's teatime. So, spill.

There's nothing to spill. We-We both tried.

- We're just two very different people. - Mmm…

Arthur uses Suave two-in-one shampoo,

and my haircut was recently declared a public art landmark by LACMA.

Well, I mean, you always knew you were different.

Was there something specific that happened?

We just weren't working. There's nothing specific that I can think of.

[guest] Mo-mo.

It's time for my rub-in.

Oh, Maro, hi.

- Uh… You're here. - [both chuckle]

Uh… This is Sofia. From work.

- Oh. - We're working.

Oh, I'm… I'm so sorry to interrupt. Um…

It's just that you got really imbalanced yesterday

when I did my own sunscreen. You said you do the rub-ins.

[laughs]

[chuckles]

That's crazy! [inhales deeply]

I mean, I would never say that to another adult, which he is.

I mean, he can vote.

Even though he wrote in Shaboozey for president, but…

[chuckles]

All right. I'm gonna let you goddesses vibrate. [chuckles]

Thanks.

[shudders, chuckles] Oh, my God.

Oh, there is no need to be embarrassed. I mean, my God.

[giggles]

What does his neck smell like?

Leather?

Trees?

- Leather trees? - You're right.

Who cares if he's young and hot and built like a brick shithouse.

No one questions a wealthy older man if he's dating a beautiful younger woman.

No, of course they don't. There is a terrible double standard there.

In some ways, you could say this is an act of feminist resistance.

Totally. You are flipping gender roles on their head.

- I mean, I'm kind of a trailblazer. - Maybe even a hero.

And women need to support other women.

Maro!

Can Sofia smell your neck?

Yeah.

Nicky Bear.

I'm worried about Arthur.

You know, since he and Molly broke up, he hasn't been in the office.

What are you talking about? He's right there.

That's not Arthur.

[gasps] Oh. Really?

Oh. Yeah, sometimes I have trouble telling white faces apart.

They call it beige blindness.

But maybe Arthur just needs some space.

No, he doesn't. You know, when I went through my breakup,

I needed to be carried in a warm basket of love and support.

Listen, Arthur's a sad, middle-aged straight guy.

Let's just let him watch YouTube videos until he joins a militia.

- Then he's their problem. - Oh, Nicholas, you know he needs us.

[clicks tongue, sighs]

Fine. Let's go.

Ainsley, cancel my lunch order.

I am so sorry, Sarah.

[typing]

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm just doing a little origami.

Yeah, learned all about it while I was surfing in Ya-Pahn.

Just wanted to make something for ya.

- Aw… - [chuckles]

You didn't have to do that.

I wanted to.

Seeing you work today was so incredible.

You're so grounded, but also so beautiful.

Just like

this unicorn.

Wow.

- That only took you two hours, huh? - Mm-hmm.

- Thank you. - You're so welcome.

Um… So, what do you wanna do tonight?

- Um… Well, actually, I was thinking… - Mm-hmm.

…that maybe I could, uh… invite a couple of my friends over

so they could come meet you?

Oh! Wow!

Like a spur-of-the-moment Wednesday night meet and greet.

[chuckles] Yeah, babe.

Would you be cool with that?

Would I be cool with that?

Oh. [chuckles]

I am so cool.

I am freezing.

I'm like a… an ice cream, Papa.

I'm cold as ice.

[sputters]

So, is that a yes?

Oh, that's a yes. Yeah.

- Okay, great. - [both laugh]

[knocks on door]

- [sighs] - This can't be good.

I cannot be the one to find another dead body.

At a certain point, it does not look like a coincidence.

Ooh.

Hey, pals!

What are my main guys doing here?

We've been worried about you. You haven't been to work.

That is so sweet of you.

But I am so fine.

I've been cranking away on this really, really, really cool project.

Come on in!

[sighs]

Uh…

Doing a little spring-cleaning?

Nope. Even better.

I'm going through my whole life to try to find the exact moment

I became such a sad, pathetic, dumpable loser.

Why do you have this photo

of a scarecrow holding a bowl of old cottage cheese?

Oh, that's my mom holding me at my First Communion.

Oh.

[groans]

And then I'm like, "Don't tell me I'm reheating FKA Twigs's nachos.

This fit is reworked, upcycled vintage Abercrombie.

You're the one… [chuckles] …wearing skinny jeans."

Cooked.

[group laughing]

[laughs]

Oh, totally, Zoe.

- [sighs] Isn't Molly the best? - [Molly] Oh.

She's like a super important charity person.

No cap? Legit.

Yes, it is in fact legitimate, Jayden.

Tell me, what is it that you do?

Oh, I'm a brand reverence moment creator.

And I'm a bed rot influencer.

I'm so sorry. Are you sick?

No.

It's a radical form of self-care

where you lay in bed and look at your phone all day.

We're reclaiming depression by monetizing it.

Oh.

And, uh…

How 'bout you, Abe?

What's your story?

- [Zoe scoffs] - Oh, no, no, no.

Are… What do you do?

Did I say something wrong? Is-Is everything okay?

Okay, hey. So, so, Abe has social spotlight anxiety.

Y-You can't ask him direct questions.

What?

[Zoe] It's okay. He just needs to, like, re-regulate for a second.

Let's all look away.

[Molly] Gang, I have a fun idea of how we can all hang out.

What if we all go to my screening room to watch a movie?

[Zoe] Mmm…

Contractually, I'm not able to consume any content unless I'm bed rotting.

- Oh. - [Maro] Yeah, babe.

Actually, I'm not much of a movie guy.

They're just, like… [chuckles]

…kinda desperate.

- [Zoe chuckles] - [Jayden] Agreed.

Like, make movies shorter and smaller and worse.

I need you to get me a coconut water immediately.

- [Zoe] Go, go, go. - Oh, me? Oh.

- Go, go, go. - Okay.

[exhales heavily]

Oh, my God.

This is it.

This is me in the summer of 1997 at Edgefest.

I am about to see my favorite band in the entire world,

the Goo Goo Dolls.

Nope. Too sad. Gotta go.

Nope. If I have to listen to this white story, so do you.

That's my friend Conrad.

So, we're tailgating and foaming at the mouth to hear "Iris" live.

And then this crazy thing happened.

The guy in the car next to us asks us if we want to do crack.

What?

Oh, crack is a crystalline form of cocaine.

You might know it as "snow" or "apple jack."

Arthur, I know what crack is.

I'm wondering where the hell this story's going.

So, I say no immediately, right.

Conrad says yes.

And he gets into the car with the guy.

I freak out and drive home.

What happened to Conrad? Did he die? [gasps] Did he miss "Iris"?

That's the thing.

Nothing bad happened to Conrad.

He lives an amazing life because he kept taking risks.

He got an eyebrow ring. He moved to Costa Rica.

He-He married a woman named Marisa.

- Why are you telling us this? - Wow.

Because, don't you see?

Look. In every photo since, I am wearing khakis.

This concert was the day that I chose to live defensively.

That I chose to be this boring, beige guy.

The… The kind of guy that Molly would dump.

And honestly?

- I can't blame her. - [Nicholas stammers]

Arthur, you are being way too hard on yourself. You're talking crazy.

No, I'm not!

In fact, I've never felt so sane in my entire life.

Oh, my God.

And I know exactly what I need to do.

Crack.

Oh, wow. [chuckles]

I am so glad you convinced me to stay. Thank you.

[chuckles]

Let's do crack.

Russia? [chuckles]

That's not even a country, Zoe.

- [laughing] - [Maro] Like, hey, are you serious?

- That's hilarious. [chuckles] - [Jayden] That's crazy.

[laughs] Low-key, fam.

- I'm feeling this wine. - [Molly] Mm-hmm?

- [Jayden] High key, wine is so fire. - [Maro chuckles]

- Hey, Molly. - Hey.

Could I ask you for some advice as a woman who's…

well, I don't wanna say, "older"…

as a woman who likes movies?

Yeah. Okay. Sure, Zoe.

Okay. So, like, I'm just having, like, really bad FOBO.

Okay. I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

I have no idea what "FOBO" is. Is that a female hobo?

Oh. You're not supposed to say that word.

But it's okay. I forgive you.

You're from a generation where it was okay to say slurs.

I don't think I am.

FOBO is "fear of better options,"

which I'm totally having with Jayden and Abe right now.

[Molly] Oh. I think I understand what you're saying.

So, you like both of them.

Yeah. 'Cause I've been talking to Jayden,

- and he's, like, really sweet. - Mm-hmm.

But I've been hanging out with Abe.

And the sex is, like, crazy.

Really? Wow.

I know what you see in him.

I-I can see most of his bones.

And, like, he likes to, like, re-regulate, like…

[whispering] …in my pussy.

I mean, I think I've heard enough.

- I respect your boundary. - Okay.

So, what do you think I should do?

- Uh, let me give you some advice, Zoe. - Mmm…

Um…

It's human nature to be attracted to new things.

But you have to be careful giving up what you think is the boring thing

for the shiny thing.

Because sometimes the shiny thing is actually the boring thing.

Oh, my God.

That made no sense. Do you have dementia?

Honestly,

I hope so.

Because I would love to forget everything you've said tonight.

[Nicholas sighs]

Well, I got it.

One, very impressive you can get drugs that fast.

Secondly, we can't be giving Arthur drugs. He needs friends, not a mule.

I know that.

I just crushed up some of Molly's vaginal probiotics, okay?

I'm not gonna waste good drugs on Arthur. [chuckles]

Okay, so you're, like, giving him a placebo.

Exactly.

He just needs to think that he did something crazy,

and then this meltdown will be over. And he can finally put on some pants.

Ooh, I love being best friends with someone so manipulative.

- Hmm… - * I won't say anything at all *

♪ So why don't you slide? ♪

- Uh… - Oh.

♪ Yeah, I'm gonna let it slide ♪

Oh, wow. There it is.

- Okay. This is happening. [chuckles] - [Howard] Mm-hmm.

Wow. This dance with mama coca has been a long time coming.

- [breathes heavily] - Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I couldn't actually find you any crack, but I did find you this new designer drug.

It's called, uh… "Verse,"

because it'll take your mind to a whole new universe.

- Oh. That's why they call it that. - Universe.

Okay. Okay.

Ah, well.

- Here we go. [chuckles] - [Howard] Mm-hmm.

Time for Daddy's spice.

Oh.

- Yeah. - Oh.

- Oh, no, no, no. - [gasps]

That's how he thinks you do drugs?

Was that too much?

- [reggaeton music playing] - [Zoe laughing]

[Maro] Whoo!

Hey! Hey!

- Ow! [laughs] - [Zoe chuckles]

- That was for you. [laughs] - Hey, babe.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. Hey, babe, what's up?

Um…

It's just kind of been a long night.

Oh. [chuckles] You tie-tie?

Yeah, I'm tie-tie.

It's 11:30. If I go to bed now, I'll only get 13 hours.

Aw, yeah. Yeah, of course. [chuckles]

Yeah, we partied enough. Do you want me to get everyone out of here?

- Oh, would you? Thanks. - Yeah.

All right, folks. Aloha for the super chill kickback.

Vibes have been per, but it's time to pack things up.

[Zoe, Jayden, Abe] Aw…

[Maro] Because our second location is the Elefante Rooftop.

- [cheers] - Oh, my God!

So, call the Uber Blacks, 'cause things are about to get loco, crazy, bananas!

[chuckles]

Second location? Are you going too?

Yeah, babe. [chuckles] If you're gonna go to sleep…

Yo, Maro. The car's two minutes away.

- Okay. I'll see you soon. [kisses] - Oh…

- All right. Let's go, let's go, let's go. - Bye, Molly.

Good luck with that dementia, honey.

[Jayden] Thank you, Molly.

[music stops]

[chuckles]

This is insane.

He's taken, like, six separate trips to Toronto.

- I mean, who in their right mind… - [Arthur] Shh!

You guys hear that?

Oh, wow.

I think the Verse is hitting my bloodstream.

[pants]

I can hear the world's heartbeat.

Wow. You must feel so connected to the universe right now.

- I do. - Mm-hmm.

Can you hear it?

Ba-boom. Ba-boom.

Ooh, super cool. You must be really tripping, huh?

Yeah.

Ooh, whoa.

Oh, my God.

- You guys, look at this. - [clicks tongue]

Can you believe that somebody actually made this?

- Yeah. - The color and the textures.

The feel of it.

And the buttons.

Input.

- Input. - [sighs]

Input.

Okay!

Seems like you have reached that breakthrough you were looking for.

So, maybe now it's time for you to go to bed.

- Mm-hmm. - Sleep?

Nicholas,

I'm finally awake!

Oh, my God.

Look how beautiful it is outside.

Nature is a gift.

And we trap ourselves in these beige walls,

these khaki cages.

- Okay. - We're not mole people.

- Wait… - No, no.

- No, no, no. - We're explorers.

- We don't need… - Hey, Arthur, where are you going?

[Arthur cackles]

[laughs]

We're explorers! Moana!

[cackles]

Come on, we got to help him. He might hurt himself.

Can't we just call an Uber?

[Arthur exclaims]

["Slide" playing]

[Arthur laughing]

["Baby" playing]

♪ When I saw my baby ♪

♪ I knew all along ♪

♪ I wanted to hold you ♪

♪ And take you back home ♪

♪ Who could know ♪

♪ We would be in love? ♪

[sniffs]

Ah.

Suave two-in-one.

Sailor's Secret.

[laughs] Ah!

Yeah.

I feel you, Gaia!

Thank you for letting me get close to your breast! [pants]

I cannot be doing this much cardio. I'm in ketosis right now.

I can't believe we passed seven boba places on the way here.

We gotta get a grip as a society.

- [Arthur] There you are. - [sighs]

I've just had the most beautiful revelation.

Ah, great. I am so happy for you. Let's go home now.

My blinders are off.

Everything is so clear to me now.

God, I feel so good!

My heart is really racing.

Like…

God, it's, like, really racing.

It's like… I'm, like… It's like I can't, like, get the air out of my…

[panting]

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Am I OD'ing?

- Oh. - That's what's happening, isn't it?

Oh, my God. I need Narcan.

Please! I can't die.

I've only been to Toronto, like, six times!

Please!

I've never tried tea before. I don't even know what it tastes like.

- [Howard] Arthur. You're not on drugs! - What are you talking about?

You're not on drugs! It…

It's all in your head, man.

What are you talking about, I'm not on drugs?

I freebased a kilo of Verse.

Those were crushed up probiotics for premenopausal women, okay?

And this is just an extremely powerful placebo effect.

What?

So then, what is this?

Are you guys just making fun of me?

- [sighs] - No, Arthur.

We just didn't want you to do crack.

We were trying to protect you.

By lying to me?

Like I'm a joke?

No, no. We…

That's really fucked up, you guys.

You guys should just go home.

[cries]

[Maro] Hey, babe?

- What are you doing? - Um…

I was just birding.

It's a little something I used to do.

- At night? - Yeah.

I didn't see any birds though.

I did catch a threesome in a hot tub.

- Huh. - Yeah.

I watched to make sure no one drowned.

All good.

That's cool.

So,

did you have fun tonight?

Oh, yeah.

- Like, too much fun. - Yeah. Yeah, tonight was a movie.

- [chuckles] - What? Okay, wait.

You guys say you don't like movies.

But a fun time is a movie?

I love the way your mind works.

Always searching.

[chuckles]

Can we just go to bed?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

I mean, you're already in your jammies.

And you look so cute.

[sighs]

Have you heard from Arthur? I'm really worried about him.

No, and I've tried everything. I even thought about texting him.

You should've never lied to him about those drugs.

And you should've never brought me out there. To the Valley?

- My hair still smells like Tater Tots. - Hey, guys?

- Oh, my God. Thank god. - [sighs]

Can I talk to you again about last night?

Arthur, we are so sorry.

No, no. I-I'm the one who should apologize.

I did a lot of thinking last night.

And you two were just trying to take care of me.

To come over like that, and-and make sure I was okay?

That means a lot.

And I've never been so happy to see a man in pleated khakis.

Well, they're back because of the revelation I had on the baseball field.

Okay. But, Arthur, you weren't really on drugs last night.

Which is how I know I experienced something real.

[stammers] A calm washed over me, and I realized

I like my khakis.

I like my plain bagels.

I like that I don't know what Sydney Sweeney is.

But I'm sure it's a fun place to visit.

Trust me. If you ever get to go, you'll never wanna leave.

The point is…

Sure. I'm never going to be the kind of guy that Molly ends up with.

But that's okay. [chuckles]

I'm happy with who I am.

You should be, Arthur.

Totally.

And listen, I'm not allowed to officially disagree

with any decision Molly has made.

But I think she might've taken the wrong turn here.

Thank you.

And I don't know.

Maybe the three of us chillaxing at my pad,

that could become kind of a regular thing.

I don't know. My weeks get pretty busy.

And I simply do not want to do that.

Cool. Not a big deal.

I'll just put that idea away in the old circular file. [chuckles]

We are glad you're back.

Things can finally get back to normal around here.

- [elevator dings] - [sighs]

- [Arthur] Mm-hmm. - [murmuring, chattering]

[Arthur] Uh…

Who are those guys?

What is going on?

I don't care if he's in a meeting.

Go get him. We need a lawyer right now.

Sofia, what is going on?

Molly, you're gonna wanna go to your office. Now.

[sighs]

Well, will you tell him to call me soon as he's finished?

[Molly scoffs]

- Luciana. - Ciao bella. [chuckles]

Ooh. Um… Please to close the, uh… How you say? Uh… [clicks tongue]

Swinging, uh… wall flap?

[chuckles]

We both know you know how to say "door," Ashlee Kate.

Because you're Delaware trash,

not Italian trash like you claim.

Ding dang dong.

Ding dang dong.

You know what that sound is?

I don't know, all the farts you had for breakfast?

Nope. It's wedding bells.

John and I are getting married next week.

I always find it so heartwarming when two,

- how you say, psychopaths get together. - Ooh.

We're gonna be one big happy family.

John, me, and my little babies.

- Ew, are you pregnant? - No.

I can't have kids.

There was a chemical spill in my town,

so me and the other girls from Chlorofluoro Valley High School,

we grew up juiceless.

"Juiceless," you say? Is that the official medical term?

John's companies are my children.

And this little boycott of yours…

Molly, you're messing with my kids.

John's become close personal bribery friends with the president.

So that means I can call the White House any time I want

and ask for anything I want.

And what I want this morning is for them to shut your ass down.

Oh.

Well, good luck with that because I have a team of lawyers.

- Mmm. - And I happen to have Erin Brockovich

on retainer just for goofs.

Well, you better call Saul 'cause this little foundation of yours,

it's engaged in criminal activity.

- [scoffs] That's a lie. - Is it?

Check your website, Molly.

"Diversity"? "Equity"? "Women"?

Those are bad words, Molly. Those are un-American words.

You say you wanna help the underserved communities.

Well, what about the served ones? They get nothing?

That is discrimination.

And that's illegal, bitch.

Uh-oh.

[chuckling]

[in Italian accent] Oh. I hope you still come to the wedding.

It's going to be so beautiful.

An ice sculpture with my naked body coming out of clam shell,

but covered boobies so it's tasteful.

Mm-hmm.

Mwah. Arrivederci.

Ciao bella.

Osso buco.

Ciao. Ciao.

[chuckles]

Arrivederci.

["That's Life" playing]

[in Italian] Shit.