Original subtitles

Futurama is brought to you by Thompson 's Teeth...

... the only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

Insane in the Mainframe

Good news, everyone.

Today marks our friend Dr. Zoidberg's 1 0th year with Planet Express.

- Huzzahs are in order. - Huzzah.

- Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg! - I'll now read the mandatory speech.

"Dear Employee: Has it really been 5, 1 0 or 1 5 years?

If not, disregard this and get to work."

Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.

Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one!

Now if I could only afford the one. And the car.

Ah, the years. So many memories...

...so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies.

Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement.

It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dummy.

You kept track of it all these years.

I'm boned. I haven't paid either. What'll I do when I retire?

- I thought you were retired. - I don't see you planning for old age.

I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.

I'm gonna take action. It's time to check my retirement fund.

Damn! Still only 1 00 dollars.

A penny saved is a penny earned. Also, I need athlete's foot cream for my face.

He's right. I must start investing wisely.

Well, down to my last lottery ticket.

Cherry. Cherry!

Mule. Crud!

You got six bucks left to retire on. I recommend Tender Vittles.

You're opening a retirement account for $6?

I'm sure a wealthy mule farmer like you knows we charge a $ 1 0 monthly fee.

You gotta spend money to make money.

Here you are. Your account is now overdrawn by $4.

I've seen lines move faster in the sperm bank.

That's for sure... Roberto, is that you?

Bender! Hey, man!

- You old lunatic! How you been? - Not bad. Not bad.

Everybody on the floor! This is a stickup!

I'm okay too. I'm taking a Chinese cooking class at the Learning Annex.

- Cool. Can you give me a hand here? - Sure thing, pal.

Hey, you! Red! Quit watering that plant and get the door!

- Nice talking to you. - Same here. You guys are all right.

- Here's something for your trouble. - Thanks, buddy!

Freeze! You're under arrest!

Shoot them in the back! Quick, while they're not looking!

Court is in session. The Honorable Judge Whitey presiding.

The charge is bank robbery.

My caddie-chauffeur informs me...

...that a bank is where people put money that isn't invested right.

Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes:

Theft of money.

As the surveillance camera for that bank the judge was jawing about...

...could you tell us what you done seen that day?

Well, let's see. My memory's a little fuzzy, but it went exactly like this:

Your Honor, I move that I be disbarred...

...for introducing this evidence against my own clients.

Mr. Fry, do you recognize the robot hugging on you in this here hologram?

I sure do! That's the real robber...

...and I'll never forget his name as long as I live. And that name is...

Just give a name! You don't wanna look stupid on Court TV.

You're right. You're right. It was...

Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll be killed?

Oh, it's for you.

And the other hamburger will also be made of your lungs. So long, pal.

I won't testify on grounds that my organs will be chopped up into a patty.

The 67th Amendment.

I may be a simple, country chicken, but I know when we're finger-licked.

What if we plead insanity?

A few months in an insane asylum? I could do it on my head.

If you start now, it might help our case.

What evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?

- They done hired me to represent them. - Insanity plea is accepted.

Mr. Bender, I hereby commit you to the asylum for criminally insane robots...

...until you are deemed cured.

Yahoo! The system fails again!

And Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the home for criminally insane humans.

That facility has been full since you ruled being poor is a mental illness.

Order! The only poor people I want to hear about...

...are those who tend to my pores at the spa.

Send them both to the robot loony bin and let's go.

Huh?

Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!

- Keep your chin up. - Ow, my chin!

I don't belong here. This is for insane robots.

Well, you meet half the qualifications.

Oh, good! A physical!

Once they examine my fragile, pink body, they'll see I'm not a...

What the...?

I find that offensive!

Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let me give you something to help you relax.

There's been a terrible mistake! I'm human!

See? I'm all squishy and flabby. Also, I complain a lot.

Yes, you do. You need to relax more.

Terrific. Now, consider the following:

You were admitted to this robot asylum. You must be a robot.

Diagnosis complete.

I do other human stuff. I age! See?

I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you?

We'll meet your roommate next. His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.

The car dealer? I guess his prices really were insane.

He's very excitable, so don't say anything to surprise him.

- Pleased to meet you. - We've met.

What?!

I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl.

- Someone had a busy day! - My roommate exploded.

You gotta help me. How can I prove I'm human?

- You could drop dead. - I don't wanna!

- Hey. I believe you are a human. - You do?

They don't believe I'm a human either. Name's Unit 201 3.

Let me introduce you around.

Fry, meet Norm. Still picking up CIA transmissions on your teeth?

They just won't stop!

The CIA cafeteria menu for the week of May 1 5th is as follows:

Monday, shepherd's pie...

Cuckoo.

- Let me guess. He thinks he's Lincoln? - He's supposed to.

Problem is, he's got multiple personalities. All of them Lincoln.

I was born in 200 log cabins.

And this here is Frankie.

He thinks he's a lunchroom worker. So they put him here.

- How's working the lunchroom? - All right.

Poor Frankie.

Change places!

I can't take much more of this. I want out of here!

Are you crazy? This is great. Electroshock whenever you want...

...two Lincolns for every Napoleon.

Sweet light crude!

But I'm not a robot! I don't like having disks crammed into me.

Unless they're Oreos, and only in the mouth. Don't you see? I'll die!

Quit your bellyaching and take it like a robot.

Change places!

They say you're making strides with your exploding problem.

Well, the way I see it...

Get me out. I'd have starved if not for that sick vending machine robot.

Give me! Give me!

Poor Fry. He's got the munchies for freedom.

We're trying. We petitioned the governor...

...but he doesn't want to appear soft on those falsely imprisoned.

At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.

No, seriously, I'm not.

You should be more ashamed than usual.

Lighten up, honey. I'm getting through a difficult time using humor.

Visiting hours are over. Time for our medication disks.

Help me! For God's sake, help me!

Don't worry, Fry. I too once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum.

But now it's nearly over. So long.

Thirty days, September, April, June. Peanut butter. What am I gonna do?

Oh, God! What? What? What is it now?

- You are being released. - Finally! Sweet justice!

Sweet, juicy justice!

- Not you. Him. - Me? What a surprise!

- Look! I barely exploded at all. - We can control that with medication.

Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate?

- Hi, Red! - Roberto? What are you doing here?

- I got busted robbing that bank again. - Why the same bank twice?

That first time was just to case the joint and rob it a little.

What's the matter? You scared?

Noticeably? I'll say. Now stand back. I gotta practice my stabbing.

No! Please! Help! Stop it! Police!

Hey, keep it down in there! I'm tuning my banjo!

Jeez, Red. Quit cowering. You call yourself a robot?

I'm not a robot!

I'm not a robot!

In answer to your question, Hermes, yes, your friend is cured.

Oh! Thank God!

Notice he no longer suffers delusions of humanity.

Affirmative. I feel nothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep...

You've made a terrible mistake. He's a human being. Not a machine! Oh, Fry!

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep...

Gonna sing a little tale About a battle called Waterloo

Bonjour, y'all!

Fry, just because you think you're a robot doesn't make you one.

I think I'm a doctor, but that doesn't make me a doctor. These clothes do.

I must be a robot. Why else would human women not date me?

Oh, lots of reasons.

Terminate noise exchange.

It is time for you to ingest sandwiches from my compartment.

Here we go. Just a minute.

And down the stretch, it's Daddy's Little Grandpa...

... followed by Perennial Loser. Bringing up the rear, it's Lasty!

- Come on, Lasty! - Hey, Bender.

Roberto! What a surprise to see you in here!

Especially because I didn't squeal. Remember, I didn't squeal? Do you?

Yeah. Now lie down and play dead. And don't ham it up.

Sure. Anything for you, buddy.

Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.

What's with the getup?

I'm in disguise 'cause I wanna escape. You in? Or do I gotta kill you?

I'm in! I'm in!

When were you planning the breakout?

I'm thinking, a few seconds ago.

Quick! Let's keep escaping!

Times two. Carry the one.

Oh, you sad, worthless human.

That was my anniversary gift from LaBarbra!

- Fear not, for I shall assist ye! - Robots don't say "ye."

Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs.

What is this symbol?

That's a plus sign, you loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!

I'll show ye.

Stand back! I'm a tool-bot.

You're not a tool-bot or a food-mo-tron. You're not a robot of any kind.

Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered my primary function yet.

Okay. This has got to stop.

I'll remind Fry of his humanity, the way only a woman can.

You're going to do his laundry?

Fry, this is for you.

- Beep. - Oh, for God's sake!

By a scallop's forelocks, what's with all the beer?

Alcohol fuels my power cells. And, as a mighty robot, l...

Beep.

- Thanks for helping me escape. - It was nothing.

It was not nothing!

I want to repay you. Let me get you something in here.

Hands up! This is a stickup again!

Wow. Hitting the same place three times? I admire your style.

Give me the remaining dough, the calendars and that pen.

Tear it so most of the beads are on my end!

Police. You're busted!

And don't try anything. This glass is laser-proof.

Fire lasers!

Duck! Lasers!

Come on! I got a place where I like to hide after crimes.

He looks like a little insane drunken angel.

Hey, everybody. Meet my good pal, Roberto.

- Hey, mon. - Nice to meet you.

- Come out with your hands up! - Hostages!

- Back off! I got hostages! - Hooray! I'm helping!

Do you have any better hostages?

To show them who's crazy, I'll execute some of you. You?

Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.

- Wait! Take me first! - Yes! Take her first!

Shut up! Stop telling me how to do this!

Oh, the fear!

I'm thinking of a number between one and 1 0. Guess it, and you die first.

- Go! - Okay.

- Fifty-six-ish? - Fifty-six? Fifty-six?

Man! Now that's all I can think about!

I'm gonna kill you, you no good, 56-ing...!

Don't kill me! I'm coming down with Stockholm Syndrome...

...handsome.

Halt, fellow robot!

Hey, Red! You're just in time to join the hostage situation.

- Which side do you want to be on? - The side that kicks your metal ass.

Fry! Stay back! He's too powerful!

Negative, bossy meat creature. I now know my primary function:

I am a battle-droid, protecting the weak from crazy robots.

I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy! I'm just not user-friendly.

Don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan!

Let's see how much of a robot you really are!

No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armor.

Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody help me!

Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled the transmission fluid, Mommy.

No, no! Don't weld me to the wall, Mommy!

We're willing to listen to your demands.

Hey, baby. Wash that off before you put it back.

- Hooray! - Bravo!

You did it, Fry.

Congratulations, buddy. You're a credit to my race.

It was nothing. l...

Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a...

- A squid? - A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!

Also good.

Thanks for saving us, Fry.

I'm gonna continue never washing this cheek again.

You may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside you have the heart of a robot.

Thanks, Bender.

Just like inside me, I've got the heart of a human.

What?

What?

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