Original subtitles

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

La, la, la, la,

For those who think love

Can laugh with sorrow

It's the fountain of youth

Live bright tomorrow

Hop aboard the carousel

If you wanna ring the bell

Think, think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

You make me as old

As Ruth Van Winkle

But if you think love

Your eyes will twinkle

Just a kiss can't get you high

It's the only way to fly

Think, think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Look happy and happy you are

Think heaven and there's your lucky star

The sweet world is sweeter by far

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Moonlight and moonbeams will fall

Think romance and you will hear a call

I tell you that life is a ball

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

For those who think love

Sha la la, la lay, life's a holiday

- It's not for you. - You never get a call.

There's always a first time.

Hello, Kappa Delta Sorority.

Lovely lonesome Karen Cross wolf girl speaking. Rawr.

Ding Pruitt III calling.

- Who? - Who?

- Ding Pruitt. - Who?

Hmm.

Who is this, please?

Ding Pruitt III.

- Who? - Ding Pruitt.

Who?

- It's Ding. - Ding Pruitt.

Who do you wanna speak to, Ding?

- Sandy Palmer. - Oh.

- Who? - Sandy.

Oh.

- Sandy? - Sandy!

- Yeah? - Hurry, telephone. Quick!

What's the matter? Is there something wrong?

What is it, my uncle?

- Hello? - Is this Sandy?

Yes, this is Sandy Palmer.

Brace yourself Ms. Palmer, this is not a dream.

The next voice you'll hear

will be that of Gardner Pruitt III.

- Ding a ling to his... - Come on, Kelp.

Hi, Sandy, Ding.

Hey, listen, how about a nice...

No.

- No what? - No anything.

I told you I can't see you again this week.

Now, if you want a playmate for your awkward age,

Ding Pruitt, I'm sure there are dozens of girls

who'd be more than happy to fill the job.

- Oh, come now... - She's out of the tree.

She's lost her fern.

Sandy, honey, what is there about me

that makes me so utterly resistible to you?

Aside from the fact that you're irresponsible,

incorrigible, intolerable, impossible, and insane,

I can't think of a thing.

Great. Then why don't you go out with me tonight?

Sandy, honey, I asked you a simple question.

Well, don't you sit there, answer it, stupid.

- Stupid? - Oh, no, no, no,

not you stupid, I mean him stupid.

Kelp, Sandy, I don't.

- I didn't. - Pruitt residence.

Sandy, I think you're lovely, and intelligent, and desirable,

and opinionated, stubborn mule-headed.

Sandy?

Sandy?

It's your whole granddaddy calling from Santa Barbara.

Not now. Give him the tape.

Mr. Pruitt III is away on a fieldtrip.

This is a recording.

You shouldn't feed snow jobs like that

to your whole granddaddy. One snap of his golden fingers

- and we lose our gas machine. - Forget him.

He just wants to make sure I'm not behaving myself.

Get out the Philly file.

Eeensie, meensie, minesie, Mosie.

Annabelle Mosie, slow breaking curves,

- hobby, judo. - Next.

Oh, wow. Olive Oleson.

- This Olive only for martinis. - Keep going.

Sandy Palmer.

Needs hard sell.

Keep trying.

Yeah. You're so right.

Fasten your seatbelt.

Yeah. Toes over.

Hey, you.

Hey, what are you gonna do with this?

Well, some guys bring flowers.

Hey, you.

I'm sorry, old man. I'm running a bit late.

- Listen, you. - I know, I know, irate citizen.

Let's not bandy words.

Let me have it. Goes with the job.

You work for that pinhead?

Pinhead Pruitt III,

GOH of C.

GOH of C?

Grandfather owns half the campus.

I don't care what he owned.

Pruitt residence.

Sandy, is this your board?

Why, no. I don't...

oh, I mean, yes it is.

Please remove it from the hall at once.

- You know the rules. - Yes, Mrs. Harkness.

Ding Pruitt, you idiot. Get out of here.

Not until you say we've got a date.

I can't. I'm coming for an exam.

So we could plan together my Riviera.

Ding, please, if anyone sees you up here.

Yeah. You're right. Let's go into your room.

My room, you idiot. The...

Too heavy for you dear.

Oh, no. That's all right.

Let me help you. Easy.

No.

Oh, well, thank you.

- Oh, it is heavy. - Oh, yes, I've got it now.

Now watch the top.

- Thank you. - Yes, you can handle it.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Bye, dear.

Ding Pruitt, get out of here.

Not until we've got a date.

- All right. - 8:00?

- 8:00. - Good.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Okay.

How about a kiss to seal a deal?

- No. - Oh, Sandy.

- No. - Sandy.

- Go. - Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh!

I'm sorry, old man. I'm running a bit late.

Wait a minute, you...

Oh, Woody, are you all right.

- Are you okay? - Ooh, I'm all right.

Well, what are you doing here this time of day?

I'm trying to commit suicide.

What is he around here, a running gag?

Never mind him. How's Uncle Sid?

He's the same as I am. He's worried about you.

You ever tried to pick up a telephone now

- and then and call me? - I know how busy you are.

Sid and I are your family, do you understand that?

The only reason we're bonding this close

is to be close to you.

But you're so touchy about my coming to see you.

You can, baby, anytime at the apartment.

Where you never are but not at the club.

That's right. Not at the club,

- just pick up a telephone. - Uncle Woody,

the place is good enough for you to work

and it's good enough for me to visit.

I'm Joey Palmer's daughter, remember?

I grew up in places like the Silver Palms.

Why all of a sudden you and Uncle Sid...

It's a dive and you're not a kid anymore.

Why don't you try to realize that?

I'm 19, and according to the laws of California

I can drive, get married.

I could even have a baby.

Don't you dare have a baby without a diploma.

That's just a figure of speech.

Uncle Woody, look, all I'm trying to say

is I have two perfectly wonderful uncles.

I'm proud of them both and I just wanna come

and catch their act once in a while.

I'll let you know when we're gonna do a benefit.

Meanwhile, I don't want you in that club.

Here? Sandy, this is the Silver Palms

and that is not Betsy Ross.

I don't care if it's not Lady Godiva.

Let's go.

Okay.

Ooh. Easy. Let's face it, Woody.

My fingers are numbers.

All this holding this act together is your talent

and my Band-Aids.

Isn't like the old days with you,

and me, and Joey.

Boy, she sure looks like him, doesn't she?

- Who? - Sandy.

- Huh? - Sandy?

- A couple of silver fizzes. - One. I'll have a Pepsi.

Yeah. That's what I said. One Pepsi and one silver fizz.

Um, I have to see your ID card.

Uh, look, buddy, I'm an old customer here.

How old?

What's she doing here?

Leaving.

No argument. One silver fizz.

Just a minute.

- What are you doing? - Uh-hmm.

- Phony license. - Wise guy.

Grandfathered by this boy, too?

Won't you just leave quietly and don't embarrass your lady.

The lady is already embarrassed.

Please, Mister, don't manhandle me.

I'm only boy handling you, pinhead.

Now move it, you're running a bit late.

You, you just wait until I'm 21.

And so we're all waiting for you, sweetie.

Oh, Ding! Don't do that!

- He kissed you. - I know, he's my uncle.

Your uncle?

Now she tells me.

How about ding-a-lings hideaway?

There are no uncles there.

You're fabulous apartment?

I've heard a lot about it.

Soft lights.

Music to suffer by.

Silver fizzy moonlight on the terrace.

Two sleepy people alone on a cloud.

Take me home.

Right.

My home.

Hard sell, keep trying.

Woody, that wasn't very uncle-y, what you did to Sandy,

after all those kids aren't any different

than we were at their age.

It's that I'm worried about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How was I tonight, Sid, baby?

Like every night. Honey pizza-y.

It's because of Mars and Venus, they're in conjunction.

My horoscope says congenial contacts

and general support in business.

If anyone's business ever needed support.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a distinct pleasure

to introduce our next two entertainers.

A distinct pleasure to get it over with.

Well, here comes the musical magic

of Woodbury and Hoyt.

Go on, drive your way, folks.

Topaz will be right back

after a short musical interlude.

Thanks, boss.

- Lively buzz tonight, Sid. - Perfect.

And we'd like to start off tonight

with some new treatments of some old evergreens,

now we've got the music and I'm sure

you all know the words, so come on, everybody.

Why are our hearts beating harder?

- Everybody! - It's back to the farm

It's back to the farm

Where we'll see mother and father?

- Come on now! - It's back to the farm

It's back to the farm

- I think we're losing them. - We never had them.

Old cousin John, Uncle Mo's, Auntie May

They will all look the same

And be so glad we came

We'll have those corn pones

And ham from a larder

It's back to the farm

It's back to the farm

Hey.

There now, wasn't that fun?

What do we do next?

Oh.

Wow!

Hey, baby!

Wow, wow, wow, whoa!

Stop worrying, Gus doesn't hate our act.

All we need is some new material.

Gus doesn't hate our act nearlyas much as the audience.

Let's just save face and quit.

Not till Sandy graduates,

we're not gonna keep dragging her

from one college to another.

- Hi. - Hi, honey.

Hi, Top.

- Gee, thanks. - I think I'll dunk.

Okay.

Don't go out too far.

That life guard's nothing but a baby.

Keep this warm.

Having trouble?

I wasn't.

It's been a long time.

We've never met.

That's a long time, isn't it?

My name is, uh, Woodbury.

Woody Woodbury.

Radio?

TV?

Record?

Motion pictures?

Silver poem.

I usually cross the street when I come to it.

Can I help you with your back?

No, you can't.

But there is something you could do for me.

I'd love to.

Would you call me a policeman,

there seems to be a man annoying me.

Oh, let's see if I can find one.

You feel a cold breeze come up over there?

- Breeze? - Hmm.

Hey, I'm just breezing along with the breeze,

oldie but goodie,

might possess the act up a little.

Even with no strings, it hurts.

Well, boys, who are you workingfor tomorrow?

We're working for you.

You're reminiscing.

And now while Topaz freshens up her butterflies,

it gives me indescribable pleasure

to introduce Woodbury and Hoyt

in their farewell appearance.

Jesus.

What do you got for snakebite?

- Let's go. - Good luck,

I can't stand closing nights.

Unfortunately, this act runs ten minutes.

We have nine and a half.

We have nine and a half to go.

As long as I'm gonna be workingon the truck later,

who needs that?

Rock a bye baby

They strung up poor dad

They hung him at sunrise, it was all very sad

As he stood near the tree, his head hanging low

He said, "Pass me the booze, boys

Nine minutes to go"

It's nice to have you people here tonight, all of you,

believe me, it's nice to have all of you,

especially I'd like to see you college kids.

What's your name old pal?

Don.

And is this your date here on your right?

Sure is.

You've been out with her before, Don?

- Oh, yes. - Oh, good enough

for a return bout then, huh?

Ah, the college couple walking down on the beach

in the moonlight.

And she turned to him, she says, "You remind me of the ocean."

He says, "Wild and restless?"

She's, "No, you're making me sick."

Those were the days.

The kid got called in the dean's office,

the dean said, "Young man,

I understand that at 2:00 AM this morning

you were drunk intoxicated,

wheeling a wheelbarrow around south campus."

He says, "That's right, sir."

And he said, "Where was I at this time?"

He said, "In the wheelbarrow, sir."

Go to be good to your own relatives, Don,

- you got a brother? - Yeah.

Hey, I'm not gonna let you guys get away,

looks I found a home.

And this prof said to this little kid, you know,

a little sophomore, he says, uh,

"You can't sleep at my class." The kid says,

"I could if you would talk so loud."

Sid he's a riot.

What sign is he born under?

A Lucky Strike sign on 42nd Street.

Anybody that wants to buy a face fiddle.

Saw this couple riding along in the car and she said,

"Would you like see where I was vaccinated?"

He said, "Yeah, I'd like to see that."

She says, "Well, keep driving,

we're gonna pass the hospital in a few minutes."

Mousie, bring me two drinks, Mouse. Two drinks.

Reminds me of the story about this kid said to his buddy,

he says, "You ever been up before the dean?"

The kid says, "I don't know, what time does he get up?"

You know that fact I've beenabout the farewell performance?

You know, I was only half serious.

Half serious?

Yeah. You half.

Or this cut little co-ed was onthis cruise, she's out two days

and finally she walked up to this sailor.

She says, "I wanna speak to the captain."

So the sailor said, "Well, wait, he's forward."

she said, "That's all right, it's a pleasure cruise."

Where you been hiding, Woody?

- You're killing me. - Mouse.

There's my boy right there.

He's good to his wife, he never goes home.

You've heard of these.

Greatest story I ever heard in my life,

this chemistry profin front of his class, he said,

"Students, this is your first practical experiment

in simple chemistry.

Well, you had this in your high school biology,

it's nothing more than a repeat of that.

A review of that.

This tumbler contains H2O,

two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.

Now, I'm gonna drop a simple worm into this tumbler. Blink.

See the way the worm lives and wriggles around

and thrives and he's happy? Isn't that wonderful?

Now look at that.

Now students, this tumbler contains alcohol.

I'm gonna drop an identical worminto this tumbler. Plunk.

Oh.

See the way the worm shrivels up and dies?

Now what does that prove?"

There's always some smart aleckkid in the back of the room,

he says, "If you drink whisky, you'll never have worms."

- Surfs up! - Surfs up!

It ain't what you drink, it's the way that you drink it.

And I don't know your name, young lady,

hold that drink up, I've got a toast for you.

Here's for the moments which are stolen,

and stealing is certainly wrong,

but after those moments are stolen

to whom do they really belong.

'Cause if your boyfriend doesn't come to claim them,

and my girl doesn't make a fuss,

let's hold our heads up proudly, my love,

and say they belong to us.

Because if you had bushes of apples, my dear,

if you've left them alone to rot,

if a neighbor came by and ate them,

would you blame them? Certainly not.

Those apples are made to be eaten,

my sweeten moments are made for delight,

and as you will tell our conscience

if your boyfriend there passes out tonight.

And we get the cutest college students here.

I would guess, sir, that you were in college

about the time the Santa Fe was a wagon track.

What's your name, sir?

- Harry. - Harry.

Yeah, Harry. I was named after my father's chest.

Harry, you could get the...

you get the more material, Harry,

put it into a suit, will you?

Is this your bride on your left, Harry?

In the old summer cotton wash and wear dress?

- What's her name, sir? - Jane.

She's a delightful-looking lady.

Much nicer looking girl you had in here last week, Harry,

I'll tell you that right off the bat.

How long you married to Jane, Harry?

Forty-five years tonight.

Forty-five years tonight?

All in favor of Harry buying us all a drink

in his 45th wedding anniversary say, "I."

I.

They certainly love you here, Harry.

A very delightful man, Harry.

It's nice to have you here.

Bless your heart.

Now, over here I've noticed this couple at the bar,

the sitting gal in a green dress,

- what's your name? - Linda.

Linda, that's Spanish for beautiful,

- did you know that, Linda? - Why, thank you.

He's your husband?

I should say so. Hmm.

What's his first name?

Um, Jim.

It took you a minute to recognize him, didn't it?

And what's your name right here in front of me

little girl in the, uh, blue dress?

My name is Margaret.

Margaret, you're an absolute doll.

Do you mind if I call you Maggie?

Well, I don't like that very much.

Ready, gang? When I count three,

one, two, three.

Hello, Maggie.

Where are you from, Margaret?

- I'm from Philadelphia. - Philadelphia. Wonderful.

You're a very attractive girl.

What brings you out to California?

Well, I'm out with my roommate from college and...

And you're with the other girl?

I'm with the three other younger friends of us.

I see. You've been out with them,

- uh, like this many nights? - Yes, we have.

Hmm, you have a lot of fun going out, the five of you,

like this every night?

Can't you visualize the conversation?

Now, boy, we're going out tonight.

Now I'll tell you this, I don't care who meets who

by golly, we're sticking together.

I don't care what any of you say,

don't forget what mother said,

nobody gets lucky in this group.

And even though we kid you, Maggie, Margaret,

it's all done in fun because you're a very pretty girl.

I love the way your nose turns up and back down

and then back up, and then back down.

Very pretty girl.

- How you doing over here? - All right.

Good, Harry, I'm glad to hear that.

Everything in good shape?

Good. Because you look like you're having a good time

and I think it's about...

Right in the middle of my best number.

This guy came a little tipsy,

his wife said, "What didyou come home half loaded for?"

He said, "I ran out of money."

She said, "Where is the rest of your paycheck?"

He said, "I bought something for the house."

She said, "Wonderful. What did you buy?"

"It's a round of drinks."

She said, "Your drink, it'll be the death of me."

He said, "I'll have it double."

Surf's up.

Surf's up.

Way to go.

Are you sure this is the way they make love in India?

Uh-hmm. Concentrate.

It's mind over matter.

We're searching,

groping.

Searching,

groping.

Our essences are...

merging.

Merging.

I have you in my arms,

holding you close,

my lips are seeking yours.

We kiss.

Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm.

You beast.

- Hey, what are you... - Oh, you beast.

What do you know, it works.

Calling Kelp, calling Kelp.

K-E-L-P. Come in, Kelp.

Uh, Kelp here, Sahib.

I bought a magic carpet and fly over here.

Say no more, here comes your genie

with a light brown beard.

- Oh, Kelp, please don't go. - Oh, I got to go.

- It's part of my job. - But I... oh.

- See you later. - Oh.

What can I do for you before I leave, Sahib?

Here, Sahib.

Okay. Take a good break, Farooq.

Up, up and away.

The girl of my dreams.

I'll drink to them, Your Majesty.

To them?

Solomon Pruitt III, struggling through college

on a Cleopatra budget,

the boy who really has everything made.

Almost.

What is this, rundown Ding week? What have I done?

Nothing since the day you were born.

Need help, yell for Kelp.

Oh, no, sad songs for Kelp. Please.

Listen, I don't need him. He needs me to need him.

I'm a status symbol. His spotlight.

Even that beard was my idea.

And what ideas do you have for me?

Another feather on your pillow?

Sandy, honey, you've got me all wrong.

Before I met you, I was a one man show

performing for my grandfather,

get the kid anything he wants in this store

but don't let him take it home.

So I shopped around a little.

I found somebody that I wanna hang on to.

Ding-a-ling.

Hi, doll, thanks for the bathing suit Ding, honey,

so sweet of you to remember my size.

Sure, honey.

See you around.

Sandy. Hey, Sandy.

Hey, Sandy, wait a minute.

Let me talk to you.

Please, Sandy,

wait a minute.

Surf's up.

Surf's up.

Surf's up.

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

Go, Daddy, go, Daddy

Surf is up and the waves are high

Some are gonna live and some are gonna die

Hotdoggers ride them high and wide

Gremmies get all mashed up inside

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

When you lose control and get caught in a swirl

That crazy dive is what you call a pearl

When the crave is on, you gotta go top speed

Toes over the nose is all you need

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

When you see one coming you you yell, "Upside"

And you get to your feet, and you start your glide

Don't fluke, you kooks

Watch out for the skulls

Or you'll find yourself

Going over the falls

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

Tunnel in, but not before you're sure

That tunnel has a door

Now before you surfers hit the briny beach shore

Your pores are fried and shiny

Surf's up

Surf's up

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy

Ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy ho, Daddy, ho, Daddy, ho

Go. Go. Go. Go.

Will you cool it, Sandy?

There's nothing between me and that girl

except the bathing suit.

Exactly the impression that I got.

I tell you, I can't even remember her name.

I haven't seen Maggie in weeks.

Ding, I couldn't care less.

What you do and who you do it with is your own business.

Couldn't we make it our business?

My business is getting an education.

Well, honey, isn't this part of getting an education?

Not the kind you've got in mind. Look, Ding.

A couple of really swell peopleare making a lot of sacrifices

to keep me in college.

I'm after a Bachelor of Arts,

not a Bachelor of Bikinis.

Yeah, you're right.

Couldn't we discuss this whole thing in my apartment?

And what do I get, a bathing suit?

Will you forget that? That was a going-away present.

And you've just had yours.

Hey, hey. Sandy! Sandy!

Hey, hey.

Don't tell me it's not serious.

Laura, your son has been going out

with this Palmer girl eight days a week!

You never dated girls before?

And I don't now!

Experience with the opposite sexis an important part

of a young man's education.

While those I don't mind, but not one ought.

Oh, now. Calm yourself, Burford.

I'm certain if Gardner finds her attractive,

she must be a very nice young lady.

Nice young lady. Hah.

A cheap little orphan finale hopper,

raised by a couple of broken down vaudevillians.

Laura, nice young girls don't go out with my grandson.

But by Jeffrey, when he marries,

it will be to a girl of good breeding.

Someone who will help to stamp out

the bad blood in this family.

Must you continue laboring that up?

It's in his genes, Laura.

I will not let this family be destroyed

by a couple of heredity factors.

You will try to handle it, uh, delicately.

Of course, dear.

If Gardner should phone,

not a word about my coming down there.

Oh, oh, Father?

Uh, if I should have to get in touch with you,

which car shall I call?

Car 54.

A gremmie nut ice cream cone.

Come on, Weezy.

Come on, Weezy, you can do it.

You got 'em, Weezy. We're counting on you.

Here, have some water, Weezy.

Come on. Weezy boy, you can do it!

You got to bring the pennant back to Ocean Crest!

Yeah.

Open up, Weezy.

Here comes the mama bird!

Go, Weezy, go, Weezy, go, Weezy, go,

Weezy, go, Weezy, go. Weezy, go, Weezy, go.

Weezy, go. Weezy, go.

Kelp, don't you feel a little crowded?

But this is togetherness, which starts with T

and rhymes with P, and stands for Poo, you fool.

And I love you.

Then why don't you buy me one of my own?

What's the matter with you, you wanna come between us?

So you pearled on a 15-footer, huh?

What were you thinking of?

You and that broken date.

The least you can do, Ding Gardner Pruitt III

is sign my cast.

Oh, sure, honey.

Pistachio chunk with pineapple and gremmie nut cone, please.

- Never mind the III. - Oh, sure.

A double nut cone, please.

Hey, do you mind if I borrow your pegs?

- But what for? - Don't go away.

Super rocky road and a super pineapple.

Hi, Sandy.

- Did you get my roses? - They're still yours.

I sent them back, the whole five dozen.

What happened to you?

Oh, nothing. I, uh...

I pearled on a 15-footer.

Oh, what were you thinking of?

I was thinking about you.

Uh, can I, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Choc sundae with the works, please.

So tell me, am I still on your unfair list?

Oh, Ding.

If you only had more sense and less money.

Well, you call the signals, and I'll make any play.

Is that a proposal?

I love the car, but I think a guy's entitled

to a demonstration.

Tell me, you do feel something for me, don't you?

Yes, I do.

I'm not immune.

I've caught the Pruitt infection.

Then why don't we run a temperature together?

We can't, Ding.

You don't have it.

You're just a carrier.

Hey, Sandy! Sandy.

Ding, will you please...

a 15-footer and you were thinking of me.

- But Sandy... - You did it, Weezy.

Tell the newspapers!

Ding Pruitt! Bring back my crutches!

It, it

It is not while beauty

And youth are mine own

And thy cheeks unprofaned

By a tear

Cut, hold it.

Just sing with the voice, baby.

Just the voice.

Come on now.

And, and

And thy cheeks unprofaned

By a tear

That the fervor and...

Topaz. Underplay.

Underplay.

Stanislavski.

My horoscope said I should put my best foot forward.

Foot? Right.

Only the foot.

Let's try it again.

It is not while beauty

- Honey, baby. - And youth

Topaz, sweetie.

The days of the Smoker are over.

We are now catering to the poor little lambs,

who have lost their way.

Baa, baa, baa, honey.

Easy on the Taurus

and heavy on the Virgo.

It

It is not while beauty

And youth are thine own

And thy cheeks unprofaned

By a tear

Now you got it, honey.

And that's the old technique

with, uh, Marlon Brando approach.

Hey, that's Surfy.

Oh, I know. Come on, dear.

Can I help you?

Yes.

Uh, Mr. Woodbury, please?

Woody? Right over there at the bar.

Thank you.

The bar.

Mr. Woodbury?

- Yeah? - My name is Cronin,

BS Cronin.

I'd like to talk with you.

About what?

Your ward, Sandra Palmer.

I'm Gardner Pruitt's grandfather.

What about Sandy, Mr. Cronin?

I understand the girl is an excellent student.

How would you like to have her complete her education

at one of our finer colleges?

Smith, Basser, Bryn Mawr.

All expenses paid, of course.

Oh? Kid's getting a little too close for comfort?

I have definite plans forGardner's future, Mr. Woodbury.

You niece doesn't fit into any of them.

I see.

No free French poodles for the pedigreed Pruitts?

Better watch out for those back fence romances.

Now listen, BS.

I'm not telling Sandy who to fall in love with

or who not to fall in love with.

And I'm not letting you do it either.

Love, huh?

What's she in love with, $20 million?

No, but you are.

Now, if you'll excuse me, you're running a bit late.

Now listen, punk.

Woodbury, you just made the biggest mistake

of your life.

Oh, this was a nice club you had here.

To acquaint us with the plans of the projected gymnasium,

which will be constructed on a site

adjacent to a splendid swimming pool,

which is also a gift from our most generous benefactor,

Mr. BS Cronin.

Thank you, Dean.

To house and educate is only part of our job.

We also have the responsibilityof protecting our charges

from the evil influences of those

who would prey upon their youthand their innocence.

I refer specifically to a low dive

on the very boarders of our campus,

operated by a disgusting comedian,

whose name escapes me at the moment.

- Uh... - Woody Woodbury?

Thank you, Dr. Swenson.

This Woodbury, not only is making a mockery

of respectability...

But he is encouraging drinking,

demoralizing vast numbers of our students,

and contributing immeasurably

to the laxity and inefficiency of this college.

Yes. And that too. Moreover...

Let us not forget that extra added attraction.

That Topaz.

Oh, the way she, ooh, right down to it...

Claude. You've been there?

Well, once, uh, twice, uh, out-of-town guests, you know?

I myself have actually witnessed her

taking one of our boys into a hairdressing room.

That's intolerable.

Just intolerable.

I think our duty is plain.

That den of iniquity must be ruled off-limits

to all students of this college.

On what grounds, Doctor?

We have no positive evidence of these claims.

Oh, true, true, true.

Dean Watkins, you promised to use the evidence,

and I'll deliver it.

Thank you, Dr. Swenson.

Believe me

If all those endearing young charms

Which I gaze on so fondly

Today

Were to change by tomorrow

And fleet in my arms

Like fairy gifts

Fading away

Booze for Youse coming up.

Thou wouldst still be adored

As this moment thou art

Let thy loveliness

Fade as it will

Bring me a glass of fruit juice, please.

And around the dear ruin...

Red light boss.

Faculty prune jocky,

babysitting at table 16.

...would entwine itself

Verdantly still

What's the lady's pleasure?

Fruit juice all the way.

Fruit juice?

My specialty.

I'll fix this one.

Orange is fruit,

lemon is fruit,

lime is fruit,

potatoes?

Is fruit.

Apricot, good fruit,

and of course, let us not forget

the fruit of the Bali.

It is not while beauty

And youth thine known

And thy cheeks unprofaned

By a tear

- That the fervor and faith - Thank you.

Of a song can be known

To which time

Will but make thee

More dear

Oh, the heart

That has truly loved

Never forgets

But as truly loves...

- Let's go. We want Woody. - We want Woody.

- We want Woody, we want Woody. - We want Woody, we want Woody.

- We want Woody. - We want Woody.

- We want Woody, we want Woody. - We want Woody, we want Woody.

- We want Woody. - We want Woody.

- We want Woody. - We want Woody.

Helsman, could you play my music please?

- We want Woody. - We want Woody.

Oh, yeah.

Honey, honey,

- back to the drawing board. - No, more, more,

hear, hear.

And now, the man that promised to give his body

to the college, already pickled.

The top hotdogger at Surf's Up,

who is it?

Ho, Daddy.

Surf's up.

Surf's up.

Here's to the ladies,

and we spoil them in this country,

but you deserve it, gals, you do.

You realize thisis the only nation in the world,

other than one other,

there's one other nation in the world

where the woman walks ahead of the man,

and that's Korea, on account of landmine.

Could I have

another one, please?

And it starts early in life.

It starts early in life

this little girl was dragging the chain,

and the girlfriend says, "Why are you dragging

- that chain?" - She'll have another.

She said, "Have you ever tried pushing one?"

The same?

You should've written it down.

And the mother called down the stairs

later in life,

she was upstairs she called down,

"Where are you, Betty?"

She says, "I'm down here with John in the loving room."

And the mother says, "That's living."

She said, "And how, Mother."

Everybody has a great sense of humor,

got to have.

People like to take a drink, as we always talk about.

It's no sin.

These two fellas were having a drink,

and one turned to the other and said,

"My doctor cut me to one drink a day

and this little beauty here

is for December the 26th, 1988."

Thank you.

Heavens, I've got a compass on, I'm headed northwest.

It's Woody Weeding time.

Ready, Tom?

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

Hold it.

These two cooks with lemonades

Promised to improve their grades

How did you do in the last test, Scrabble?

Like, fabulous?

- Like how? - Terrific.

Scrabble?

- Well, pretty good. - How good?

Lousy.

How about you, Scab?

You know the situation, the teacher's still prejudiced.

Max, your bookworms, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle,

ready, gang, Tom?

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

Hold it.

Look who we have here, young Doctors Kildare.

Casey Gillispie,

and young Dr. Malone.

You fellas did any surgery in the morning?

Well, we're doing a lobotomy on a guinea pig.

Goodnight Doc, guinea pigs don't appreciate

doctors with hangovers.

Out.

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

Hold it.

Let's look in on this young girl

I think she works for Milton Burroughs

See if you can get the jokes down right here, beautiful

and, I hate to be misquoted.

I like you better in a bathing suit.

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

What's she on?

Fruit juice.

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

-It's Woody Weeding time -It's Woody Weeding time

Where's Sid?

Took his ulcer home to bed, wants you to bring him

a chicken sandwich.

Night, Lou, thanks.

Goodnight.

I would like a few words with you,

Woody Woodbury.

You may not know it, but it's Woody Wooding time.

That's a chicken sandwich?

Yeah. Fried.

Passed out?

Gus spiked her fruit juice, he spotted her

doing research for foolish grandfather.

Cronin's pressuring the college to close us.

How do you know?

She told me everything. She kept calling me mama.

- Mama? - Mama.

Well, I can't take her home in this condition,

what are we gonna do with the body?

Bury her in the basement maybe.

It's too undignified. She's a faculty member.

She's a full-fledged doctor of sociology.

She is?

Well, Woody, isn't this a little too,

uh, sociological?

Worry about that in the morning.

Go fix up a bed in the balcony.

But, Woody, she can't, you can't,

she's a faculty member.

For crying out loud, that's my problem.

Beat it will you, Sid?

All right.

Remember you're her mama.

Oh, nice dog.

Nice dog, hello.

All right. Yes. All right.

No, I have to get out, excuse me.

Oh, no.

- Dr. Swenson. - Huh?

Oh, good afternoon Dean.

Did anything happened last night?

Last night, what?

- Well, you saw him, didn't you? - Who?

Woodbury. Surf's Up.

You were there, weren't you?

Oh, there, yes, yes, I was there. Uh-huh.

Well, what's your impression now?

Um, well, um, uh, I'm not quite ready

to, uh, express it yet.

I missed a good deal of the show.

I'm, uh, going back there tonight.

Well, get your report in as soon as possible.

Mr. Cronin is very impatient.

Oh, yes, Dean of course. Yes.

Let's go walk in on this girl

I think she works for Milton Burrough

Hi, Woody.

Hiya Scab.

- Hi, Scab. - Hi.

- How are you? - Fine.

Mr. Woodbury.

Yes, Dr. Swenson?

Oh, then you know who I am.

Uh-hmm.

We're pretty well acquainted.

I ordered fruit juice.

I'm sorry about that, Doctor.

Gus is a throwback to the untouchable world.

He figured you weren't exactly one of our fans.

The reason I came here last night...

Was to hang a padlock on me on behalf of Mr. Cronin.

A representative of Ocean Crest College.

And Crest is Cronin.

Well, I happen to agree with Mr. Cronin.

No matter how may glamorize this place,

it's still a common saloon.

And the idea of devotingyour rather questionable talents

to the encouragement of drinking among college students

- is deplorable. - Hold it.

Almost half your students are old enough to vote,

marry, join the armed forces or demand the service

of any drink they choose to order,

without consulting you, me,

Ocean Crest or Cronin.

They're called men, doctor,

and you spell that M-E-N.

Well I'm not talking about the M-E-N,

I'm talking about the B-O-Y-S's.

Susceptible, impressionable adolescents

to whom the serving of alcoholic beverages

is nothing short of criminal.

Would you come with me please?

What are you doing?

Read that.

No Booze for Youse?

Last night had you been underaged, Ms. Swenson,

there would've been no booze for youse either.

Now what else have you got in your little brown book?

Well, uh, what about that dancer?

- Topaz? - Yes, what's going on

in that dressing room right now?

Even when you're closed, she stays open,

explain that if you can, Mr. Woodbury.

Well, I hate to disturb them,

but if you insist.

Oh, no, thank you, I'd rather not.

You just tell me.

One picture's worth a thousand words.

And if they improve your education.

In the following expression,

S is the distance in feet

and T is time seconds.

- Got that? - Uh-hmm.

Now, find the velocity V

and the acceleration A.

At the end of three seconds from the start of the motion,

T equals 3.

It's her hobby.

She majored in mathematics until she got it down

to one figure.

I'm sorry.

Investigation closed?

It should never have been opened.

Please accept my apology.

Mr. Woodbury.

There's one more thing that I just have to know.

Sid and Max, and little me

We slept on the balcony

Now, won't you share a steak with me?

Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Woodbury

Go, Ding, go!

Man, that's crazy.

Sure, Kelp and I get along fine.

But his family doesn't approve.

His family, why not?

They think I'm too nice a girl.

About time Ding reached that conclusion

about you, isn't it?

- I hope he doesn't. - Huh?

I'm not too nice for Ding.

I think the trouble is, he doesn't know how nice he is.

Getting in pretty deep, aren't you?

Uh-uh. Just treading water.

I'll make my move when I'm ready.

Do it. Let's go.

You're wild.

You know, I'm ready.

Hey.

Hey, man. Who's your teacher?

You.

See you Tuesday night at my apartment?

Off-limits.

- How about the party? - Party?

Yeah, my 21st birthday. I sent you the first invitation.

Never got it.

Well, you got it now. Are you coming?

- Wouldn't miss it. - Well, why not?

There'll be lots of fun, lots of people.

What did you say?

Wouldn't miss it.

Hmm. Crazy.

Another one of his 21st birthday parties?

Oh, brother. What a laugh.

Third one this year.

Yup. Ding should be 63 tonight.

Ding Pruitt? He doesn't look it.

Looks like Snow White's been all set up

for the big apple.

What time? What channel is it on?

- Night, Karen. - Sandy, wait.

Doesn't it seem odd to you that Kelp and I

aren't going to this party?

No.

Well, it should.

Because it's not Ding's birthday, Sandy,

and you're the only guest.

I know it.

Charming. Absolutely charming.

Clyde, you have a soul of a poet.

Oh, my presents. What did I get this time?

Same brakes. All in very good condition.

Good. Good. Do you know your cue?

Darling, I can't get over

how radishing you are.

- Ravishing. - I said radishing.

Okay. Then you come in and you do the sister bit

- and you blow, right? - Right.

And phone before you come back.

I phone.

Sorry. Still can't do.

Oh, forget it, Clyde. I'll wear the jazzbow.

Okay. Go, go.

Ah, Ms. Palmer, good evening.

Good evening.

Do we know each other?

No, you're a total stranger.

But all the time, I hear Mr. Pruitt

talk about your pretty eyes,

your pretty hair, your pretty...

you're not Ms. Pettybon?

I'm not Ms. Pettybon.

See? You're Ms. Palmer.

Please be comfortable.

I call Mr. Pruitt.

Thank you.

Sandy, honey.

Well, happy birthday to me.

I seem to be the first one here.

Yes, and the last to leave, I hope.

Hey, whose 21st birthday is this?

Yours, darling.

That was one of your presents.

The other is on the table.

Well, let's stick with the first one.

I just started unwrapping.

Aren't you going to offer me a drink?

Oh. A drink. Oh, of course.

Of course.

What's your pleasure?

Champagne.

Oh, that's for the senior citizens.

I don't think that...

why not?

To you, Mr. Pruitt,

congratulations on your 63rd birthday.

My 63rd?

You're three times the man I imagine you'd be.

Oh, and you're three times as beautiful

as any girl in the campus.

Honestly, darling, I can't get over

how ravishing you are.

Flattery will get you anywhere.

Oh, well then, I'll say it again.

I can't get over how ravishing you are.

So I'm ravishing. Stop shouting.

Well, I want the whole world

to know how radishing you are.

Good night, Mr. Pruitt.

Good night? What do you mean good night?

I have guests coming.

Sister got baby coming.

Good night.

How do you like that?

Twenty people coming over and he pearls?

Maybe she'll have the baby before they get here.

Yeah, maybe.

Let's drink to that.

Oh.

Shouldn't your guests be here by now?

Yeah, you're right. I don't understand

how they can all be this late.

You sure it was for tonight?

I'm sure. I'm sure. I know my own birthday, don't I?

Hmm, then you could've made a mistake.

Put the wrong date on the invitations.

Impossible. Impossible.

I have a few extras in the drawer.

I'll show you.

Oh, no.

That coo Clyde forgot to mail them.

Oh, Sandy, I'm sorry.

Sandy. See, honey, I don't know what to say.

I know how it looks and what you're probably thinking

but believe me, I had no idea.

Sandy, I wouldn't have had this happen to you

for the world.

I'm glad it did.

You are?

Hey, what are you doing?

I wanted this, Ding.

I was afraid of it,

but I want it so badly.

You and I being here alone together.

It isn't like the others, is it?

The others?

I love you.

With all my heart, I love you

and I know you love me.

When two people feel about each other

the way we do,

it can't be so terrible, can it?

Uh-uh.

Kiss me, Ding.

Kiss me and tell me.

- Come on. Get up. - What are you doing?

- I'm taking you home. - What's the matter?

That's what I'm doing.

But why?

Why?

Because I'm a rat,

a selfish, no-good lying rat.

Will you get it, girl?

This party is as phony as I am.

I trapped you into this pad for one reason

and it's not what you call love.

Now, come on, get out of here while you're still the sweet,

wonderful lady that you were when you came in.

You do, don't you?

You really love me.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I must.

- What's wrong? - Don't touch me.

- What? What? - Let me out.

Sandy.

Clyde, what are you doing?

You know very well what he's doing.

Got any other rotten hobbies?

Sandy, Sandy.

- Hey, Clyde. - Please, Mr. Pruitt.

I not take pictures for me.

Mr. Cronin made me take them.

My grandfather?

You've been taking those for my grandfather?

All the time since you're freshman.

This is Sue, is it?

But do you know my last name?

- No, I don't. - It's Lewis, Sue Lewis.

- But I don't know you. - I know you don't.

But if you ever do want me, be sure and ask for Sue Lewis,

L-E-W-I-S.

She's crying.

What do you suppose happened?

I'm afraid to suppose.

Poor Sandy. With Ding Pruitt,

you either come home early crying or late laughing.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Oh.

Young man.

Young man, come back here.

- Ding Pruitt. Get out of here. - Sandy, please.

- Leave me alone. - I just want to explain.

- I don't wanna see you anymore. - Listen, I...

Stop! Do you hear me?

Stop! Stop it.

This is ridiculous.

Yes, it's terrible.

Stealing one of my girls right from under my nose.

Now, calm down, girls. Mustn't go to pieces.

The phone. Where's the phone?

- Who's got the phone. - Over there.

Oh, over there.

Yes. But if you ever do want me,

be sure and ask for Sue Lewis

because there are three Sues here

and one is a real Indian.

Who am I dialing?

- Her uncle. - Yes, call her uncle.

Oh, her uncle. Yes, of course.

Her uncle.

Where do I reach him?

Surf's Up.

Oh, Surf's Up.

My doctor takes rather a dim view

of after-dinner drinking.

Evidently, too much on the Riviera

didn't soften your liver up any, huh?

Bernard, there's a rumor

that you're merging with Biochemical.

If there's gonna be a stock split,

you should let your old friends in on it.

Well, you gentleman is so conservative.

You'd probably send the tip to good housekeeping

for a seal of approval.

You tell this is my choice.

I just took on a large block of ethane gas.

You wanna take something to get rid of it.

Three hearts.

- Master Pruitt. - Good evening, Marion.

- Where's my grandfather? - In his study, sir.

- But he has guests. - Would you ask him to come out

- at once, please. - Yes, sir.

Gardner, oh, Gardner,

Gardner dear.

Darling, what a lovely surprise.

- Hello, mother. - You're not ill.

Oh, no, no. I'm fine.

Mother, I'd like you to meet Ms. Sandy Palmer.

Oh, oh, Ms. Palmer, how are you doing?

Gardner, my boy.

How good to see you.

And who is this lovely little lady?

Oh, I don't think any introduction is necessary.

You know her almost as well as I do.

- I do? - Oh, come to think of it.

You haven't seen her in this outfit yet, have you?

Those pictures should arrive tomorrow.

As long as you were coming up here anyway,

why didn't you bring them with you?

Ding, you don't mean that your grandfather...

That's exactly what he means, my dear, his grandfather.

Candid Camera Cronin.

He's had me watched, followed, and photographed

ever since I've been in college.

Yes.

And I had to buy half of the place

to keep you there.

Ms. Palmer,

I'm delighted that Gardner brought you up here tonight.

Perhaps, you and I can do a little business together.

You are in business, aren't you?

What's that supposed to mean?

He's looking for a price tag.

Don't waste your time.

She doesn't wear one.

- Mother... - Yes, dear?

- May I? - Yup.

Excuse me.

Have you read tomorrow's papers?

We're engaged.

Take a picture of that, grandpa.

Engaged.

Oh, bless your hearts with my ring.

Ding, you never even...

Do I have to go through channels?

Maybe after graduation.

Five minutes after graduation.

Welcome to the Pruitt clan, my dear.

You're just what this family needs,

a nice, new strain of bad blood.

What do you mean bad blood?

What do I mean?

Daughter of a honky-tonk canary

and a cheap comic

raised by a two-bit clown running a low saloon

undermining the morals of a bunch of half-paid

college kids.

Congratulations, my boy.

You sent me pictures of a true aristocrat.

Well, nothing personal intended, my dear, of course.

Come on, Sandy.

Gardner, Sandy, wait.

Be patient with your grandfather, dear.

What he says is shocking, I know.

But he thinks he has a reason.

Hitler thought he had one too.

Thanks for the loan on the ring, mom.

- Darling... - Gardner,

your allowance.

What do you suggest I do with it?

Do I have to tell you, grandpa?

Oh, you and your bad blood.

Now, listen, you guys.

We got a job to do.

At last, a job!

I'll drive the car.

I'll be the lookout.

Desist, gentlemen.

Leave us acquaint ourselves

with a nomenclature of this enterprise.

Brochure us in, BS.

Yeah.

All right, you guys.

Oh, hi, Uncle Woody.

- Young man. - Hi, Mr. Woodbury.

You asked for this.

Oh, Uncle Woody.

Wait a minute.

Oh, what happened?

- Let me at him. - Wait a minute, Uncle Woody.

Look, we're engaged.

Engaged?

Well, all I was trying to do was congratulate you.

You were?

Of course.

Of course, dear boy.

What do you say we all go have breakfast?

Oh, Uncle Woody.

I woke up one morning when the sun was shining bright

I said, "Thank you, Lord, everything's all right."

The forest to my left, the mountains to my right

Oh, my Lord, what a beautiful sight

I'm gonna walk all over this land

I'm gonna walk all over this land

I'm gonna walk from the seas to the burning sands

I'm gonna walk all over this land

Oh, well, I don't get nothing from sitting down

I got to get myself up

And take a bumping around

With so many sights and so little time

I've got to get going or I'll lose my mind

I'm gonna walk

All over this land

I'm gonna walk

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm gonna walk

All over this land

I'm gonna walk

Don't you know I'm gonna walk

All over this land?

I'm gonna walk all over this land

I'm gonna walk from the seas to the burning sands

I'm gonna walk all over this land

Would you get your beard out of my ear?

Kelp, Kelp.

Hey, who am I?

Karen.

Who do you wanna be?

Vote for who?

The one and only, your future spouse,

the proud mother of all Kelp's wealth.

Oh, do you really feel like that?

Absolutely must.

Well, let's go somewhere

where we can get away from each other.

Oh, you don't need a stamp, you're over 21.

Go and have fun.

You're 21 too, go on in.

You join her. Oh, you're growing up big.

You're 21, go on in.

I wanna say it was almost double tonight, though,

I keep watching the Indians.

Like a hawk?

I can't understand Lou and Mousie not showing up tonight.

Lou, I don't know about.

But when my cousin, Mousie, goes into one of his fits,

he don't know his own name for two days at a time.

Well, it was nice of you guys to pinch-hit.

Our pleasure.

Now, now, you join the crowd.

Have fun.

This way, please.

- Mr. Armstrong? - Uh, I-I-Eh.

Excuse me, Mr. Norman Armstrong?

Uh, I-I'll page him for you right away.

Mr. Armstrong.

Mr. Armstrong.

He couldn't be.

Couldn't be who, Ding?

Norman Armstrong, president of Allied Chemicals.

Don't be silly.

No silly when Colonel Leslie Jenkins is tending the bar.

Woody, there's something weird about the club tonight.

I feel it with my fiddle tips.

Look at this action.

You're just not used to hitting the jackpot.

Well, soon, I'll be leaving on my fateful cruise

Before I go, sister, hand me down my walking shoes

I'll get me lots of rain and lots of bright sunshine

Before I lay me down at the end of the line

I'm gonna walk

All over this land

I'm gonna walk

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna walk

All over this land

I'm gonna walk

Well, don't you know I'm gonna walk

All over this land

I'm gonna walk

All over this land

I'm gonna walk from the seas to the burning sands

I'm gonna walk all over this land

What are you doing?

Playing a slot machine.

Slot machine?

Surf's up.

Surf's up.

What time is it?

It's Woody Weeding Time.

Uh-huh.

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

- It's Woody Weeding Time. - It's... hold it.

Some men has wriggled through the screen

I think we'll check this young sardine

Come on, young man. Stick out those hooks.

They must be older than they look

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

- It's Woody Weeding Time. - It's Woody... hold it.

Grandpa Cronin lost a bet.

Here's Romeo and Juliet.

That's right, students.

Ding and my niece, Sandy, are going over the fold

right after graduation,

Niagara, that is.

Or would you rather go to Fort Lauderdale?

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

- It's Woody Weeding Time. - Hey, Gus.

It's Woody Weeding Time

Couple of wretch just went down the anchor chain

I got a feeling we're taking on water.

- Jackpot. - Jackpot.

You hit the jackpot!

You hit the jackpot.

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

It's Woody Weeding Time

Hold it.

It's Woody Raiding Time

It's Woody Raiding Time

It's Woody Raiding Time

It's Woody Raiding Time

It's Woody Raiding Time

It's Woody Raiding Time

It's Woody Raiding Time

It's Woody Raiding Time

It's Woody Raiding Time

Give me that drink, kid.

I wanna turn it in for evidence.

Boss, I'm one of you.

Smitty, remember?

Oh.

Why don't you grow a beard, Smitty?

Now, you're drinking all the evidence.

Why don't you mind your own business, I believe.

Jackpot.

Now what are you doing with the slot machine?

What slot machine?

All right, wise guy.

Let's go. Come on, everybody out.

Keep it rolling out there.

I'm sorry, kids.

What can I do?

Come on, just keep moving.

No idea what's gonna happen.

Thanks a lot, Mata Hari.

Oh, no, my name is still Pauline.

My report got me fired two days ago.

Well, you'll have to come along, too, Mr. Woodbury.

In a minute.

Let's make this a good one.

Might have to last me 30 days.

That's right.

Shocked.

And is Mr. Cronin behind you

in demanding the removal of the club?

Directly behind me.

Thank you, dean.

Woody's fate will be decided tomorrow

at a hearing in Judge Faelyn's chambers.

And in the opinion of this reporter,

it seems like the game's up

for Surf's Up.

That's the news as it happened today.

Well, at last we got our own TV show.

How are the reviews?

Lousy.

This beautiful sports coupe,

with its famous wide track, smart clean lines,

suggesting a larger, lower, wider look,

you can.

- Sandy Come in. - Hi, Woody.

- Hello, Uncle Sid. - Hi, honey.

Anything wrong?

Uncle Woody, Mr. Cronin phoned me today.

He said I could get the charges dropped.

If you transfer to another college

and give up Ding, right?

I'm going to do it.

I can't let you lose everything you've been working

for in account of me.

Just a minute, baby.

There's someone else to think of.

Don't you love Ding?

And he loves you.

The only way Cronin can hurt Sid and me is by hurting you.

The only way you can help any of us

is to just go through with what you've started.

Now you go on home, phone that hotdog of yours,

and blow him a kiss goodnight.

But they'll likely to put you both in jail.

Sid'll love it.

Anything but going back to that bull fiddle.

Bye.

Climb into the spacy beauty,

step on the gas, and look out.

Yesterday's newsreel, the living past,

captured by the camera for all posterity.

The Kentucky Derby, 1931,

a surprise winner coming up on the inside and winning.

Precious Pete, two years...

Stop will you, Sid? Use the earplug.

One of the underworld's most colorful

characters was released from prison.

BS Cronin,

tagged by the mob as Nifty Cronin...

Woody?

Paroled after a five-year...

Hey, Woody! Look!

Hey, get up! Look at this!

What now? Glorious Swanson

and the Bathing Beauties?

That ain't Glorious Swanson. That's Cronin!

Prison life seems to have agreed with Nifty Cronin.

- Evidently, the fool... - Hey, that is Cronin.

BS Cronin, alias Burford Sanford Cronin,

alias Nifty Cronin

was typical of a Prohibition Era.

With the true arrogance of a successful mobster,

somehow one gets the feeling

that the two policemen are here

as Chauffer and Footman.

- Shortly after his release... - Foxy grandpa.

Who's who and who's who.

Extry, extry, read all about it.

Termites eat up pillar of society!

From Sing Sing to Santa Barbara in one leap.

No more BS Cronin, Woody.

It's Sweet Nifty now.

Well, don't sit there.

Pick up the phone and make the blackmail.

- Forget it. - That's right.

He calls off this route

or we tan his high Clyde

and hand him in the sheriff's, right?

What?

Forget it?

Listen, Sid, we're not gonna assassinate a reputation

that took him 30 years to build up.

And we're not gonna brand those kids.

What about us?

My fiddle tips.

What about Gardner Pruitt IV?

Goodnight, Sid.

See you in court.

In court, Woody?

How can you go to sleep the middle of World War III?

It's easy. I took three sleeping pills.

Just when they were beginning to heal.

Forget it. You had your chance two hours ago.

Forget it. You had your chance two hours ago.

Oh, all right.

Sid?

Sid?

Sid!

I told you, the master cannot be disturbed!

Well, get him up. I gotta see him, I tell you.

- Get out of my way. Cronin! - Please! Please, Mr. Cronin...

- Cronin, come down here! - cannot be disturbed!

- Cronin! - Marion! Who is this person?

What does he want?

The name is Hoyt, Mr. Cronin.

Woody Woodbury's manager.

Oh, so that's it.

Marion, throw the bum out.

- Yes, sir. - Wait, Mr. Cronin.

Hear me out.

We're not guilty of any of the things we were charged with.

We were framed by some cheap, dirty,

over-the-hill gangsters.

Oh? How does this concern me?

Oh, your grandson's gonna marry Woody's niece.

With all the scandal, the club being closed,

her uncle going to jail.

Well, I thought maybe you might just call off

that hearing tomorrow.

Why should I do that?

Because you're a fine man.

A man of unimpeachable character.

Admired.

Respected.

And I think it would be a real "nifty" thing

for you to do.

Nifty?

Nifty.

Nifty.

Oh, Nifty granddaddy.

What do you hear from the mob, huh?

Who to marry who know, Nifty?

We saw you tonight on Yesterday's Newsreel.

A regular untouchable.

Yeah!

I knew it.

I knew it.

Didn't I tell you that other people would see

that bad blood on television tonight, Nifty?

Yeah! What about Woody's club, mom?

I'd like a few words with you, Mr. BS Cronin.

Why so formal? Call me Nifty.

Do you wish me to call the police, Nifty?

Do you want a slap in the mouth?

All right. Now quiet, all of you.

I wanna say something.

Now you listen to me!

We'll listen when you open the club.

Yeah!

Quiet, I said!

All right.

So 30 years ago, I made a little mistake.

In 1492, Columbus made a little mistake.

And as a result, he discovered America.

That's the kind of a country this is.

A country where a mug like me

could rise above his mistakes,

grab a pipe, slap a bandage on his head,

and march right along with the best of them.

Only in America.

You still have to explain.

Explain? Explain what?

Thirty years of exemplary living?

Thirty years of devotion to the wellbeing

and improvement of the community I help to create?

All right.

So I'm Nifty Cronin.

It's a pretty nifty wing

I built on the orthopedic hospital, isn't it?

It's a pretty nifty collection

I donated to the art center, isn't it?

It's a pretty nifty college we've got.

Pretty nifty bunch of kids that got through

on my scholarships, is that right?

Why are you always yapping

about all the bad blood in this family?

Who, me?

Mr. Cronin, we didn't come here

to discuss your philanthropies.

Tell us about Surf's Up and how you framed Woody.

Yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, what about that?

All that raid on Woodbury's club just sickened me.

And it hurts me deeply that you imagine

that I have anything to do with it.

And I'm amazed that Dean Watkinspermitted the college

- to become involved in it. - Me?

Now, don't deny it. I'm sure you meant well.

But it was a stupid thing to do.

- You told me to... - So get ahold of Judge Faelyn

and call off that hearing.

Nice work, Dean.

I'm happy to announce that the club will be open

as usual for business tomorrow night!

Surf's Up!

Surf's up.

Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy.

You still object to those two being married?

I never!

Would consent until I put it to the test

and prove what a fine, spirited girl, she is.

I know class when I see it.

Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy.

You made a wise choice, my boy.

You too, gramps.

Come here, Sandra.

Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy.

Thirty years ago, BS found himself in quite a mess

But now he's come out of the fog

And that makes him a real hotdog

Mr. Cronin, you're a good loser.

And a hell of a liar.

Everything is going goodie

For Ding and Sandy, Sid and Woody

Pauline and Karen, et cetera, too

Et cetera stands for me and you

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

Oh, daddy. Oh, daddy.

And now a curtain call for our cast.

James Darren.

Pamela Tiffin.

Paul Lynde.

Tina Louise.

Nancy Sinatra

and Bob Denver.

Claudia Martin.

Ellen McRae.

Robert Middleton.

Sammee Tong.

We have introduced Woody Woodbury.

And the college boys and girls of...