Original subtitles

This programme contains discriminatory language

MESSAGES PLAY BACK ON ANSWER MACHINE Hi, this is a dirty phone call.

WOMAN: Larry and I will be in the country so we'll miss your birthday

celebrations. But you're 35, kiddo.

Who wants to celebrate being that old?

I only hope I look as good as you when I'm your age.

BEEP

Hi, Bob, it's Peter.

Get all those girls out of the bed and pick up the phone.

Oh, God, I'm so envious I can't even talk. Call me back.

BEEP

Hi, it's April.

..Oh, I forgot what I was gonna say.

BEEP

Hi, Bobby, it's Amy.

I just wanted you to know that if I'm late for the party tonight, just tell Paul that I'll be...

..Oh, wait a minute... You're not supposed to know that there's...

Oh...Harriet? Harriet, is this your machine?

Oh, goodness... I think I got a wrong number.

Um... Just ignore this call.

Oh, my God! Wait till you hear what I just did!

BEEP Bob, it's Marta. Long time, no hear.

Well, the doctor said false alarm. I'm not pregnant.

So, hey, you can feel free to return my calls again, huh?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hi, this is Bob.

Yes, it's my birthday.

Yes, you may leave a message telling me how happy you are that I'm turning 35.

In fact, whatever you're calling for, the answer is yes.

HE SIGHS

WOMAN'S VOICE:

# Bobby, Bobby

# Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo

# Bobby, Bobby

# Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo

# Bobby

# Bobby...

ALL SING, HARMONISING

# Bobby, Bobby

# Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo

# Bobby, Bobby

# Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo

# Bobby, Bobby

# Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo... #

VOICES REACH CRESCENDO

# Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo. #

SOFTLY:

# Bo-bb-ee... #

Surprise!

My birthday. It's my birthday.

You had me scared to death.

I mean, I didn't know, you know.

What kind of friends would surprise you on your 35th birthday? ..Mine.

Then again, how many times do you get to be 35? Eleven?

ALL: Happy birthday, Robert!

Thank you for including me in your thoughts, your lives, your families.

Hey, thank you for remembering.

You don't LOOK it! Well, I feel it.

It's the birthday boy! I'm touched. I love it when people are really surprised!

Loves it when people are surprised.

If you don't like it... Haven't seen it. ..take it back.

Wait till the man looks at it.

I'll like it. Just take it back.

He SAID he likes it!

Pretend not to notice Harry,

Robert. I think I'll leave.

I was just kidding, Sarah.

Take ours back, too.

Here's from Paul and me.

Take it back and get the money. It cost so much I fainted.

- It did not, Robert. It's a sweater. - You told him what it was!

When I saw the price tag, I thought it was a house. Miss!

YOU! Yeah, you! Tell him to take yours back and get the money.

It's the cost that counts. Who is that? That is I, Miss.

I am very rich, and married to him. I forget his name. Haven't you met?

Pass, baby. Pass. There's no-one here I wanna meet. Except HER.

She's crazy. Him, he's a looker.

The rest are Lois and Larry Loser. Here's to you, winner.

I find you quite fascinating, quite... You just blew it.

↑ Many happy returns of the day.

David will deliver our greeting.

Robert, a happy birthday from us.

And may this year bring you fame,

fortune and your first wife.

ALL: Hear! Hear!

Listen, I'm fine without the three.

You bet your ass, baby. He could have meant it superciliously. What a darling!

He could have been being funny. Now, don't cry or I'll push your chair over.

She's kidding. She's a great kidder.

Let's cut out the many happy returns. Enough about me.

I am indeed lucky to have all of you.

I mean, when you've got friends like mine... Our blessings, Robert.

ALL, TUNELESSLY:

# Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Robert Happy birthday to you. #

Blow out your candles and get a wish.

Don't tell or it won't come true.

< Close your eyes... AW, shut up! < She's foolin'.

Aww... See what I mean?

Terrific sense of humour!

Be sure you make it a good one.

You still get your wish.

He does? It must be a new rule!

Sure, you do! Don't believe a word!

You do! I didn't wish for anything.

He's kidding.

Don't tell it, anyway.

You're not supposed to tell.

Anyway, Robert, you're still in your prime.

Thirty-five!

Harry, shush! You don't tell

a person's age at our ages.

# Bobby. #

# Bobby. #

# Bobby, baby. #

# Robbie! #

# Robert! #

# Bobby, been trying to call you. #

# Angel, I got something to tell you

# Bobby, we've been trying to reach you all day

# We had something we wanted to say

# Bobby! Bobby! How've you been?

# Drop by on your way home Drop by any time

# Bobby, there's a concert on Tuesday

# Bubba, having people on Saturday night!

# Time we got together Is Wednesday all ri-ight?

# Bobby, come on over for dinner

# We'll be so glad to see you

# Bobby, come on over for dinner!

# Just be the three of us Only the three of us

# We lo-o-o-o-ove you! #

# Phone rings, door chimes, in comes company...

# No strings, good times, Room hums, company...

# Late nights, quick bites Party games, deep talks Long walks, telephone ca-alls...

# Thoughts shared, Souls bared, private names All those photos up on the walls...

# With love...

# With love...

# Filling the days...with love

# Seventy ways To Bobby with love

# From all those good and crazy people, my friends

# Those good and crazy people, my ma-arried friends

# That's what it's all about, isn't it?

# That's what it's really about

# Really about... #

# Bobby! #

# Bobby! #

# Bobby, baby! #

# Bobby, bubi! #

# Angel, will you do me a favour?

# Name it Sarah. I'd like a favour. Try me, Peter.

# Bobby, there's a problem... Amy, can I call tomorrow?

# If you'd visit the kids... I could take them to the zoo, Friday

# Susan, I'll make it at 7 if I can

# Sorry, Paul, I made a date with Larry and Joa-nne

# It's none of my business You know how I hate to... Fine...

# Harry... David... Katherine, April Just listen, people!

# Bobby, you sure you're all right?

# Bobby, come on over for dinner!

# We'll be so glad to see you!

# Bobby come over for dinner!

# Just be the three of us Only the three of us

# We lo-ove

# We lo-ove... We lo-ove... We lo-ove...

# We lo-ove... We lo-ove... We lo-ove...

# We lo-ove...YOU! #

# Phone rings, door chimes, In comes company-y

# No strings, good times, Just chums, company-y...

# Late nights, quick bites, Party games!

# Deep talks, long walks, Telephone calls

# Thoughts shared, souls bared, Private names, All those photos up on the walls

# With love

# With love filling the days

# With love seventy ways

# To Bobby with love

# From all these good and crazy people your friends

# These good and crazy people Your married friends!

# And that's what it's all about, isn't it?

# That's what it's really about

# Isn't it? That's what it's really about

# Really abo-out

# Company!

# Company!

# Company, lots of company! Life is company!

# Love is company!

# Company! #

APPLAUSE

CLOCK CHIMES

What time was that? Five, Joanne.

Thank God. Cocktail hour.

Final departure call for NSEW Airlines flight 119.

Will the passengers who have not yet boarded please do so?

They're cleaning the building...

Or tearing it down.

- Taxi! Taxi! Oh, please, please! - Will you stop blowing that horn?!

Oh, David, the phone! The kids! It'll wake the kids.

There's cinnamon in the coffee, Robert... Sugar and cream? Both. May I have lots of both? Course.

Want brandy in it? You having some?

WE don't drink!

But you have some. Or would you like a REAL drink?

OLD MAN'S VOICE:

Could I have some bourbon?

Right. THEY SING: "Tequila"

- Sweetheart! - ..Darling?

What? Are you both on the wagon? Goodness, Robert, all the questions!

- We spend half our lives with you. NOW you notice Harry's on the wagon? - A year and a half.

- No, love. Just a year. - It's a year and a half now.

- Next month it will be a year. - And a half.

One year. Count it, one!

One(!)

Harry got arrested for being drunk, and quit out of humiliation.

I quit to see if I could, actually!

I must have told you about all that.

You never mentioned it. How were you arrested? Another question!

Have one of the brownies you brought.

I was in California.

On business. And I really got soused one night,

and these guys drove me to my hotel,

but I went to the corner to get food to sober up.

- You said three blocks. - The corner. - Three.

Anyway, this patrol car stopped me and said, "You're drunk".

I said, "Drunk? I'm clobbered!"

He said, "I'm taking you in". "Take me to my hotel, it's on the corner".

Three blocks away! HARRY: Anyway...

They mugged me and booked me for being drunk. Un-believable.

Next time I was there, got arrested again - drunk-driving. Only had wine.

Only three bottles(!)

I insisted on taking the drunk test. ..Flunked it by one point.

And THAT is when you quit, precious.

He says it was the first arrest. Was the second. He never said?

I thought Harry had told everybody.

I quit to see

if I'd a drinking problem.

Got a problem drinking! Miss it?

You talk in questions? Miss it?

No, I really don't.

Yes, he really does!

Anyway, I stopped. Haven't had a drink since.

- Whoops. - I haven't had a drink since.

At Sheila and George's wedding.

Oh, a toast, for God's sake.

You must have noticed how drunk I got on one swallow of champagne(!)

- I never said you got drunk, but you did have champagne. - One swallow.

And it was gone.

An elephant swallow.

HE TRUMPETS

I'd like to ask for another bourbon, but I'm terrified. Put a nipple on the bottle for all we care.

Sure you don't want a brownie? God, no. I'll bust. You? You skinny thing. Look at you!

You're just bones. Look at you, you're skin and bones.

I bet when you get on a scale it goes to minus. Thanks, I'm touched.

And insulted, I think. I'd prayed you'd have one so I could watch.

Sarah! Is it possible you've become a food voyeur?

Mexican food. What I crave without cease is Mexican food,

with all the Tabasco sauce in the world.

- Don't eat that brownie!

- I'm not. I'm just...smelling it.

Have one! Not with bourbon. Thanks.

And chocolate. I would kill for chocolate.

Or a baked potato with soured cream and chives. Doesn't that make you writhe?

< Or hot sourdough bread

with all the butter there is.

Chilli.

Oh, chilli! Dear God, yes, chilli!

- Manicotti. - One teaspoon of manicotti!

Sara Lee cake.

Oh! Sara Lee...

The most phenomenal woman since Mother Teresa.

How about sweet 'n' sour shrimp?

How about sweet and sour pork?

I get the impression you guys are on diets. Not me. Sarah.

Look. You can get your fist in there. That's how much weight I've lost.

She always does that. Look. I can, too! She thinks I buy that.

Darling, I have lost eight pounds already.

It's the magazines. Seen those women's magazines?

Pages and pages of cakes and pies...

Sarah subscribes to forty magazines. We're up to our ass in 'em.

I read them all.

Don't! Look at this! Wrestling.

She gets a wrestling magazine!

It's karate, it's not wrestling.

Wouldn't you love to see it? All those fat broads in her gym learning karate.

PARODIES BRUCE LEE SQUEAL

What wouldn't you give to see that?

Strangely enough, darling, I'm terribly good at it.

How long have you been studying it? Who asked that? Oh, Robert(!)

Seven months.

Show us some karate.

No.

Want more coffee Robert? Harry?

No. I wanna see some karate.

No.

Do ONE thing. No.

I'd give anything to see you do one. I bet you ARE excellent. Yeah(!)

I'll be your partner. No. This is embarrassing.

Please!

BOTH: Aw-w, come on!

WHINING PLAINTIVELY

Oh, all right! One throw. Go on. One.

Harry, d'you wanna stand there?

Where?

There.

Oh... All right.

I'm standing here. What now?

OK.

MEN GIGGLE

SHE EXHALES NOISILY

SHE MAKES A HIGH-PITCHED SOUND

Hello(!)

OK.

Now, just come at me.

OK.

OOHH!! ..Hey, wait a minute!

Wow!

Fantastic. That's hysterical.

Actually...

I could have prevented that.

Oh...(!) How?

By blocking it.

That can't be blocked.

It can.

Anyway, that can't be blocked. YES!

Let's just do it again.

All right, darling.

I'll come at you again.

OK, put me down.

Harry. Harry. # Baby, baby, baby! #

ALL RIGHT! Do it again.

# It's the little things you do together, Do together, do together

# That make perfect relationships

# Hobbies you pursue together Savings you accrue together

# Looks you misconstrue together That make a marriage a joy

# Mm-hmmm. #

That is very good. Once more.

Do it once more. Harry, could I have another bourbon?

No!

SARAH: God!

SHE STRAINS

OK... Um...

Give up?

Do YOU?

I've got you!

Do you want to do it again?

All right. You break first.

No, you.

You can just stay here.

Fine by me.

Look, you're both good.

I could get out of this.

Try it. ..OWW!

OK. I tried it.

Uncle?

"Uncle," your ass!

# It's the little things you share together Swear together, wear together,

# That make perfect relationships,

# Neighbours you annoy together Children you destroy together That keep marriage intact

# It's not so hard to be married

# When two manoeuvre as one

# It's not so hard to be married

# And, Jesus Christ, is it fun(!)

# It's sharing little winks together

# Drinks together, kinks together

# That make marriage a joy,

# Bargains that you shop together Cigarettes you stop together Clothing that you swap together

# That make perfect relationships

# Uh-huh...

# Mmm...hmmm. #

Could I have another bourbon? No!

# It's not talk of God and the decade ahead that allows you to get through the worst,

# It's "I do", "you don't", "nobody said that" and "who brought the subject up first?"

# It's the little things, the little, little, little, little things!

# Little ways you try together,

# Cry together, lie together

# That make perfect relationships

# Becoming a cliche together Withering away together

# That make marriage a joy

# It's not so hard to be married

# It's much the cleanest of crimes

# It's not so hard to be married

# I've done it three or four times

# It's people that you hate together Bait together, date together That make marriage a joy

# Things like using force together Getting a divorce together!

# That make perfect relationships

# Uh-huh...

# Kiss, kiss...

# Mmm-hm... #

My! Wow!

SARAH GIGGLES

How about that, huh? I had you there...

I had YOU there... Draw! And look at the time! I've gotta get going. OH?

Oh, listen, I had a...great time. Oh...so did we.

It was great to see you.

A nightcap? Right.

Uh-uh!

I mean...no! Well, I mean...will I see you soon?

Don't answer that, Harry. He gets no more questions, that sneaky Pete.

Wow.

Thanks again.

- I'll turn out the light. - I will...

- I always do. - No, you don't.

Oh, Harry.

I love you.

Harry?

You ever sorry you got married?

# You're always sorry

# You're always grateful

# You're always wond'ring what might have been

# Then she walks i-in

# And still you're sorry

# And still you're grateful

# And still you wonder

# And still you doubt

# And she goes out

# Everything's different

# Nothing's changed

# Only maybe slightly rearranged

# You're sorry, grateful

# Regretful, happy

# Why look for answers where none occur?

# You always are what you always were

# Which has nothing to do with

# All to do with her... #

< Harry, darling, come to bed.

Coming, darling.

# You're always sorry

# You're always grateful

# You hold her, thinking, "I'm not alone"

# You're still alone

# You don't live for her

# You DO live with her

# You're scared she's starting to drift away

# And scared she'll stay

# Good things get better Bad get worse...

# Wait, I think I meant that in reverse

# You're sorry, grateful,

# Regretful, happy

TOGETHER:

# Why look for answers

where none occur?

# You'll always be what you always were

# Which has nothing to do with

# All to do with her

# You'll always be what you always were

# Which has nothing to do with

# All to do with her

# Nothing to do with

# All to do

# With her. #

APPLAUSE

Bob! Hey Bob? Where the hell are you? Out here.

Why are you out here? It's so great to have a terrace in this city.

Wow! Really? We never use it.

Hundreds of terraces in New York.

Never have I seen a person on even one.

SOUTHERN ACCENT: And with kids it's impossible. Tracking dirt, falling over.

Plus everyone can hear everything you say.

Are you listening? And look at all this bird do.

Oh, so noisy! With that traffic you cannot even hear yourself think.

All you can see is the building across the street.

If you lean way out, you can see the East River.

Except you can't. Peter almost met his Maker one night trying to see that ol' East River. You saved him?

- Me? No. Well, in a way. - She fainted. So I got down.

Peter is not afraid of anything. Unfortunately, I'm not made that way.

One day Peter fell off a ladder when he was putting up my curio cabinet,

and he split his head right open.

Well, I fainted. I came to, I looked at his head and I fainted again.

I fainted four times that night. Well, that is so sweet. Pe-ter!

You are one lucky guy!

That...that Southern graciousness, there ain't much of that around.

You two are - he said with envy - just beautiful together.

Really. Wow...!

If you ever decide to leave her, I wanna be the first to know. Well...

You're the first to know.

We're getting divorced.

We haven't told anyone yet.

Oh.

Well, maybe you'll work it out.

..Don't think so, huh?

Well, I'm sure nobody can imagine how you feel.

Or YOU feel. ..Or I feel...

Feel? I just don't feel anything. Here, David. It's too small.

Doesn't work on me. Do you feel anything?

Do you, honey? Cos I don't. You will. When? I mean, we've had two!

May depend on your constitution.

It's good to try things once. Wait.

I'm not GOING anywhere. Maybe I'm too square, I feel nothing.

Do you, David? Because I don't. I mean, I wish I did. I just don't.

Maybe they gave you grass off the lawn.

Knew I wouldn't feel it. Don't have... Why am I talking so much?

You're stoned. ..Am I?

Am I? I am not. I am.

Are you? You are not!

I'm so dry! You're stoned.

Is that part of it? You may get hungry. I should? You don't have to.

Are you hungry, Dave? No. I'd like water, though. Me, too.

Do you want some, Robert? Oh, no. What? I don't want any.

Any what, Robert? YOU asked him, honey. Water!

Oh, water! I couldn't remember what we were talking about. You see? You forget when you're high. Oh, God...

Are you high, David? I'm potted. Oh, that's beautiful!

Jesus! See? You're really high now. Jesus! Hey!

That's twice you've said, "Jesus". You're kidding! No. She never swears.

Didn't even know I said it once. Say..."sonofabitch!"

Sonofabitch.

Say "kiss my ass". Kiss my ass!

Kiss my ass, you sonofabitch.

Oh, Jesus. Three! Three!

You'll wake the kids.

Bobby, stop it! We'll get evicted.

Jenny, you are terrific. You're the girl I should have married.

Listen! LISTEN! I know a darling girl in this building you'll just love.

What? When are you gonna get married?

What? You're not complete unless you marry. He's complete enough.

You are better off the way you are. That's what I hear. D'you mean it?

No!

Well, sometimes...

I'd like to be single.

Oh. That's not even funny. It has nothing to do with you.

I'm your wife. Yes, and that's the way I want it.

But didn't YOU ever wish you could be single? For an hour, even? No!

Could you make it two hours?

Bobby, you get yourself married.

D'you see the ideas you're giving Dave? I'm not avoiding marriage.

It's avoiding me, if anything.

I'm ready. Actually, you're not. But not everybody should be married.

Well, I don't know actually. See, to me, a man SHOULD be married.

Your life has a...

What?

What am I trying to say?

Your life...has a point to it.

A bottom. You know what I'm saying?

See, I have everything...

Except freedom...

which IS everything.

No. No, no... THIS is everything.

I got my wife, my kids, my home, and, well, you gotta give up to get.

You know what I'm saying? Listen.

I agree, but... Here.

You know, what bothers me is,

if you marry, you've got another person there all the time.

Plus, you can't get out of it whenever you wanna. You're caught.

And even if you DO get out of it,

what have you got to show for it?

Not to mention the fact that then you've always been married.

I mean, you can never NOT have been married...again.

Do you think, subconsciously, you might be resisting it? No. Negative.

I have no problems. I'm ready to be married. Why aren't you?

I've always had things to accomplish. I had to finish school.

Then I wanted to get started, get myself some kind of security.

And, um, there's things. Things I had to do.

You know, before I could even begin to think in terms of marriage.

That can sound like its a rationalisation, but it's not.

Frankly, I just wanted to have some fun before I settled down.

Right. Right. And now you've done all those things. Right.

"So why aren't you married, huh?"

..You're putting me on a bummer.

Just, um... Yeah. Just wait, though. You... You wait.

You're gonna see a lot of changes in my life. I've met some pretty special girls recently.

Hey, living in New York you meet a girl a minute. Right? Right now, I date a stewardess. Cute, original.

Odd. And Kathy, you never met Kathy, did you? Well, she is the best!

Just...the...best!

Hey, and there's Marta.

God, she is...fun!

I am not resisting marriage!

My life is prepared for a change. I am ready to marry. Why haven't you? Right!

Right! # Doo, doo, doo-doo! Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo, doo! #

# You could drive a person crazy

# You could drive a person mad

# First you make a person hazy So a person could be had

# Then you leave a person dangling, sadly, outside your door

# Which it only makes a person gladly want you even more

# I can understand a person If it's not a person's bag

# I could understand a person If a person was a fag

# But worse than that A person that titillates a person And then leaves her flat is crazy

# He's a troubled person

# He's a truly crazy person himself. #

You're an asshole.

Sonofabitch

You crummy bastard!

# When a person's personality is personable He shouldn't oughta sit like a lump

# It's harder than a matador coercin' a bull To try to get you off of your rump

# So single and attentive and attractive a man Is everything a person could wish

# Turning off a person Is the act of a man Who likes to pull hooks out of fish

# Knock, knock! Is anybody there?

# Knock, knock, It really isn't fair

# Knock, knock! I'm working all my charms

# Knock, knock, A zombie's in my arms

# All that sweet affection What is wrong?

# Where's the loose connection? How long? Oh, Lord, how long?

# Bobby, baby, You could drive a person buggy You could blow a person's cool

# First you make a person feel all huggy while you make her feel a fool

# When a person says that you've upset her, that's when you're good

# You impersonate a person Better than a zombie should

# I could understand a person If he wasn't good in bed

# I could understand a person If he actually was dead

# Exclusive you, elusive you

# Will any person ever get the juice of you? You're crazy

# You're a lovely person

# A moving, deeply maladjusted Never to be trusted Crazy person yourse-elf

# Bobby is my hobby and I'm giving it up! #

APPLAUSE

I'm starving!

I'll go get some food.

Do one of you sons of bitches want to help?

Then kiss my ass.

Oh, boy! Did you light another one? Just a cigarette.

Shall I roll another one? Maybe one. No. It just takes a second. No!

No more?! ..I don't think so.

I don't think so either.

Hey, come on, it'll just take me a second to roll another one.

Listen, you two have one. I don't want one. Have one if you want one!

But I don't.

I'll go get some food. Isn't he a marvellous man?

Oh, I married a square.

A confessed square.

Oh, Bobby, we're just too old!

We've been there before. Who wants to go back?

Anyway, what do I know? Hey, screwball, I am starving. I love you so much. Food!

Bob, could you put that stuff away?

Come on, put it in your pocket. Take it home. Come on.

Thank you.

I don't know. Maybe you're right.

Who ever knows?

What was all that? Oh. Aww, she didn't go for it.

I thought she wouldn't go for it. She was stoned. She doesn't get things like that.

She'll go along with it, but that's it. She didn't like it? I know her!

She... She didn't.

You... You want me to get YOU some?

She'd have a fit. I am really surprised she did it tonight.

She loved it. For me. She loved it for me. She didn't really love it.

I know her. She's what she said. Square...dumb... Like a fox.

Well, I gotta go see if I can give her a hand.

What do you say?

Oh, boy!

# Bobby! #

# Bobby, baby! #

# Bobby, bubi! #

# We've been trying to reach you

# Angel, I got something to tell you

# Bobby, it's important or I wouldn't call

# Bobby, look, I know how you hate it alone

# Bobby, come on over for dinner

# We've someone we want you to meet

# Bobby, come on over for dinner

# Go from the office It'll just be the four of us

# You'll li-ike he-er... #

# Have I got a girl for you? Wait till you meet her!

# Have I got a girl for you, boy?

# Dumb and with a weakness For sazerac slings Give her even the fruit, she swings

# The kind of girl You can't send thru' the mail

# Call me tomorrow with the details

# Have I got a chick for you! Wait till you meet her For you, boy!

# She's into all exotic mystiques The Kamasutra and Chinese techniques

# I hear she knows more than 75!

# Call me tomorrow If you're still alive!

# Have I got a girl for you? Wait till you meet her! For you, boy!

# Boy, to be in your shoes What I wouldn't give

# I mean the freedom to go out and live... As for settling down and all that

# Marriage may be where it's been But it's not where it's at!

# What d'you like, You like coming home to a kiss? Somebody with a smile at the door?

# What d'you like, You like indescribable bliss? What d'you wanna get married for?

# What d'you like, You like an excursion to Rome? Suddenly taking off to explore?

# What d'you like, Like having meals cooked at home? What d'you wanna get married for?

# What d'you wanna get married for?

# What d'you wanna get married for?

SOFTLY:

# What d'you wanna

get married fo-or? #

# Someone is waiting

# Cool as Sarah

# Easy and loving as Susan

# Jenny

# Someone is waiting

# Warm as Susan

# Frantic and touching as Amy

# Joa-anne

# Would I know her even if I met her?

# Have I missed her? Did I let her go?

# A Susan sort of Sarah

# A Jenny-ish Joanne

# Wait for me, I'm ready now

# I'll find you if I ca-an!

# Someone will hold me,

# Soft as Jenny

# Skinny and blue-eyed as Amy

# Susa-an...

# Someone will wake me

# Sweet as Amy

# Tender and foolish as Sarah

# Joa-anne

# Did I know her?

# Have I waited too long?

# Maybe so, but maybe so has she

# My blue-eyed Sarah

# Warm Joanne

# Sweet Jenny

# Loving Susan

# Crazy Amy

# Wait for me

# I'll hurry

# Wait for me

# Hurry! Wait for me!

# Hurry

# Wa-a-a-ait. #

APPLAUSE

# Another hundred people got off of the train, came up thru' the ground

# Another hundred people got off of the bus and are looking around

# At another hundred people who got off of the plane,

# And are looking at us who got off of the train, the plane and the bus Maybe yesterday

# It's a city of strangers Some come to work, some to play A city of strangers

# Some come to stare, some to stay Every day

# The ones who stay

# Find each other in crowded streets and the guarded parks

# By the rusty fountains And dusty trees with battered barks

# And they walk together Past the postered walls With the crude rema-arks

# They meet at parties thru' friends of friends who they never know

# Will you pick me up or do I meet you there or shall we let it go?

# Did you get my message cos I looked in vain?

# Can we see each other Tuesday if it doesn't rain?

# Look, I'll call you in the morning Or my service will expla-ain

# And another hundred people just got off of the tra-ain. #

Oh, I didn't come right to New York.

I went to Northwestern University for two years but it was a mistake. I was on probation the two years.

I was preparing to go back to Shaker Heights

but I decided where I really wanted to live was Radio City!

Well, I thought it was this wonderful little city near New York.

So I came here.

I'm very dumb.

Hey, you're not dumb, April. To me, I am.

I find you very interesting. Well, I'm just not.

I used to think that I was so odd...

But my roommate is the same way.

Well, he's also very dumb. Oh...

Oh, you never mentioned him. Is he...your lover? Oh, no.

We just share this big apartment on West End Avenue. We have our own rooms and everything.

I'd show it to you, but we've never had company. He's the sweetest thing.

He was born in New York, so nothing really interests him.

Oh, um... I don't have anything more to say. Oh. Um...

What would you do if either of you ever got married?

Get a bigger place, I guess.

# They find each other in crowded streets and the guarded parks,

# By the rusty fountains and the dusty trees with the battered barks

# They walk together past postered walls with the crude rema-arks

# They meet at parties thru' friends of friends who they never know

# Will you pick me up, do I meet you there, or let it go?

# Get my message? I looked in vain

# See ya Tuesday if it doesn't rain? I'll call you in the morning Or my service will expla-ain

# ..And another hundred people just got off of the tra-ain. #

This is really exciting, Kathy. It's fascinating.

Robert, you're awful. You come here a lot, huh? Mm... Thrilling(!)

Maybe we could go watch a haircut.

You can't stand that there's a party going on and you're stuck here with me. What part...? Oh, THAT party.

I'd completely forgotten it. We can still make it. Robert! Enjoy this.

We're in a park. A little, tiny park, in the middle of the East Fifties.

It's simple and pretty.

There's a waterfall that makes me yearn to be back at the Cape. You are some lady, Kathy.

Thank you.

There's no place for a lady in New York. I can't even shout. If you knew the cabs I missed.

I don't belong here. I'm like this park - out of place.

You ARE like this park.

Yeah. You're very lovely.

Very.

Why didn't we ever get married?

Why didn't you ever ask me? Wanna marry me?

I honestly did in the beginning. But...I dunno. I never thought you ever would.

I would. I never understood why you never asked me. Well, how did we end up such good friends?

Robert, I...

I'm moving back to the Cape.

I just don't fit in here.

I want real things - a husband, a family, not just running round this city like I'm having a life. I'm 30.

The clock's ticking away. I wanna get married. I wanted to tell you.

Listen, I know somebody who may be interested in your apartment.

Robert! No! Don't hurt me, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Don't you think you could find all of that here, Kathy?

No.

The problem is, you want too little.

It's, um... It's the hardest thing in the world to get.

Well, thank you for your park.

That's all right, Robert.

I suppose some people have to know when to come to New York, and some people have to know when to leave.

# Another hundred people got off the train and came up thru' the ground

# Another 100 people got off the bus are looking at another 100 people who got off of the plane

# Looking at us, who got off of the train...maybe yesterda-ay

# It's a city of strangers - Some come to work, some to play

# A city of strangers, Some come to stare, some to stay

# And every day some go away

# Or they find each other in crowded streets and the guarded parks

# By the rusty fountains and the dusty trees with the battered barks

# They walk together past postered walls with the crude rema-arks

# They meet at the parties thru' friends of friends they never know

# Will you pick me up, do I meet you there or shall we let it go?

# Get my message? I looked in vain? See you Tuesday, if it doesn't rain?

# I'll call you in the morning or my service will expla-ain

# And another hundred people just got off of the tra-ain

# And another hundred people just got off of the train

# Another hundred people just got off of the train

# Another hundred people just got off of the tra-ain. #

APPLAUSE

When I came to Manhattan from Brooklyn, I came because Manhattan is the centre of the world.

And that is where I want to be.

Know what the pulse of this city is? The busy signal? Yeah(!) The pulse of this city, kiddo, is me.

This city is for the me's of this world. People who wanna be in the heart of it.

I am the soul of New York. How about that!

This city - I kiss the ground of it.

Some day, you know what I wanna do? I wanna get all dressed up in black.

Black dress, black shoes, hat, everything black,

and go sit in some bar, at the end of the counter, and drink and cry.

See, that is my idea of honest-to-God sophistication. I mean, THAT is New York!

You always make me feel like I got the next line. What is it with you?

I just never met anybody like you. Me neither. Know what this city is?

Where a person can feel it? It's in a person's ass.

If you're really part of this city - relaxed, cool, in the flow,

your ass is like this.

If you're living here, runnin' round uptight, not part of this city,

your ass is like this.

So... I...

Well, I hesitate to ask, but...

That's a fascinating theory. Indeed.

And at this moment, it's extraordinarily accurate.

ORGAN PLAYS

# Bless this day!

# Pinnacle of life

# Husband joined to wife

# The heart leaps up to beho-old

# Thi-is golden day. #

Amy, I can't find my other shoe.

# Today is for Amy

# Amy, I give you the rest of my life

# To cherish and to keep you

# To honour you for ever

# Today is for Amy

# My happily

# soon-to-be

# wife... #

Amy,

we're finally getting married!

# Pardon me, is everybody here? Cos if everybody's here, I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding

# I'd appreciate your going even more, you must have lots of better things to do, not a word to Paul!

# Don't tell Paul, But I'm not getting married today. #

ORGAN BOOMS OUT

# Bless this day

# Tragedy of life

# Husband yoked to wife

# The heart sinks down

# And feels dead

# Thi-is dreadful day. #

Paul can't find his good cuff links anywhere.

Um, on... On... On-on-on the dresser...

Dresser... Right. OK.

Right next to my suicide note.

# Listen, everybody! Look, I don't know what you're waiting for - a wedding? A prehistoric ritual...

# Followed by a honeymoon where he'll see he's saddled with a nut and wanna kill me which he should

# You've been grand, but I'm not getting married!

# Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married! Don't tell Paul, I'm not getting married today! Go!

# Why is nobody listening? Goodbye!

# Go cry at another person's wake

# If you're quick, for a kick, you could pick up a christening. Please, on my knees, there's a life at stake.

# Listen, everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, d'you wanna see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you?

# Analyst said "See you Monday" By Monday I'll be in the Hudson

# I'm unwell and not getting married Clear the hall I'm not getting married

# Don't tell Paul, Cos I'm not getting married today. #

ORGAN PLAYS

# Bless this bride

# Totally insane Slipping down the drain

# And bless this day in our hearts... #

THUNDER RUMBLES

# As it starts to rain. #

# Today is for Amy... #

# Go, can't you? Go! You know I adore you all,

# But why watch me die, Like Eliza on the ice?

# Look, perhaps I'll collapse In the apse right before you all

# So take back the cake Burn the shoes and boil the rice

# I didn't wanna tell you,

I may be coming down with hepatitis

# Wouldn't it be funnier to go watch a funeral? So thank you for the 27 dinner plates...

# I am not getting married. Amen!

# See, I'm not getting married. Amen! Still I'm not getting married

# Let us pray that we're not getting married

# A-a-me-en. #

APPLAUSE

Um, Amy, I think...

You're starting. Don't talk.

Why don't the two of you sit down and talk to each other?

I can't think with you following me around

from the bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen. I feel like I'm leading a parade.

Paul, will you stop staring? I feel it like bullets through my back.

Amy...

No, Paul, please! I am so crazy!

I left the refrigerator door open last night. The orange juice is hot.

Here, and if you say "thank you" I will go running right out of this apartment

and move into the "hopeless cases" section at Bellevue

where they will understand me.

Amy, I was just...

Don't talk, please.

Oh, Paul. I apologise.

Oh, Paul, you say whatever you wanna say. Whatever you like.

Oh, God, who am I, telling you what to do? Oh, Paul.

The orange juice is hot. But, thanks.

Paul! See?

You do not thank a person for hot orange juice!

You slug 'em. ..Oh, the toast!

Now I blew the toast.

It's OK.

It is not OK, Paul.

Nothing about it even remotely resembles OK.

It is the opposite of OK!

This is the real me. Crazed!

This is probably a more interesting wedding breakfast than most.

The bride has a lot of energy! The groom is abnormally quiet.

Yet a festive atmosphere pervades the room.

It's the best man, smiling, as he dies from drinking boiled orange juice.

I'd laugh, Robert, if it weren't all so tragic!

How do I look? Funny?

Yeah. It's a funny dress.

That hairdresser straightened my hair like he was on withdrawal.

Paul, what are you so happy about all the time?

You.

Oh, God...

This is the most neurotic, insane... I mean...

Oh, God, it's crazy having this enormous wedding, and everything,

after we've been living together all these years! It's embarrassing, Paul.

People will think I'm pregnant.

No, that's next year.

Look, if we hurry, we're late.

Oh, God, what am I doing?

I'm thirty-one.

And perfect.

Oh?

An oldie, but a goody, huh?

It's incredible.

Two years with a psychiatrist - and look where it leads.

Oh, God. I am just so glad that we're not having...

a Catholic wedding

because next year, when I get the divorce, I won't be a sinner.

Whoever would have thought that I'd marry someone Jewish?

Jewish?

I mean, I didn't even KNOW anybody who was Jewish!

See, Robert?

That was probably my main attraction.

Look what a little Catholic rebellion will lead to.

The very first moment I met Paul,

I thought, "That is what I really like -

"that Jew!"

Oh, he was so beautiful - inside and out beautiful.

Paul would kiss me and I would think, "Oh, I got my very own...Jew".

What is all this about me being Jewish today? About three-quarters of your friends are Jewish. Hurry.

Did I ever say I LIKED my friends?

I do not.

I much prefer my Gentile enemies.

At least they leave you alone!

And I NEED to be left alone!

I am just like Robert.

Whoa. I am not like that. What the hell are you talking about?

No, don't answer that. We do not have the time. Amy. After all these years, don't you know that we fit?

The higher you go,

the harder you hurt when you fall.

I never dropped you yet.

Oh, Paul...

"Whoever reads this - I love you".

Well, thank you, I love you. Thank him. The phantom.

He leaves notes like that all over the place.

A person can't stand all that sweetness, Paul.

No human being

can stand all that everlasting affection.

Amy. Amy, don't you think we should go?

I can't.

Amy, if anybody should be married, it's you. Tell her, Robert.

Oh, Robert, tell me.

Who's gonna tell Robert?

Um...

Paul, I, um, I can't tell anybody anything like that.

I guess whatever is right will happen. Yeah, I see.

I'm gonna call and say that we'll be late. A little late. The people will be getting there.

Amy, do you see what you're doing to yourself here?

If others did to you what you do to yourself, they could land in jail.

Come on.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Oh, Paul, look... Oh, look, it's starting to rain.

Oh, look, it's starting to rain.

And the line's engaged.

Hey, you'll never guess who I ran into, coming over here today.

Helen Kincaid.

Remember Helen? I brought her round a few times. She's married now.

I almost didn't recognise her. She's all fat and blousey and completely...

Amy... Amy, come on. We're late.

I can't do it, Paul.

I don't understand how I ever let it get this far.

THUNDER CRASHES Oh, look, will you look at that! Now it's really starting to rain.

It's a flood. It's a sign.

Oh... Thank you, God! NOW explain it to him.

Amy, let's go.

All our friends are waiting.

That's no reason, Paul.

I can't do it.

I'm so afraid.

Of what? >

I don't know. I don't know!

I-I just think you're not for me.

I just think that maybe nobody's for me. I never saw one good marriage.

Not in my entire life.

You just see what you look for.

Listen, Amy, married people are no more marriage than... musicians are music.

Just because some of the people might be wrong, that doesn't matter. IT is still right.

Yes, well, I'll put that on a sampler, Paul.

I'm sorry, I'm not being emotional. I am as sane as can be, Paul.

I'm...sorry.

I don't...love you enough.

Robert...could...?

C-Could you call and explain?

SHE SOBS

What...? What did I just do?

You did, um, what you had to do... I guess.

Well, if it had been right, you would have gone through with it.

That's what I think, anyway.

Amy,

marry me.

What?

Marry...ME.

Huh...?

You said it before. We ARE just alike.

Hey, why don't we, Amy?

Why don't we, Robert?

CHORUS:

# Bobby! Bobby!

Bobby, baby! Bobby, bubi! Bobby! #

Marry me and everybody will leave us alone.

# Bobby! Bobby! How have you been? Stop by on your way home.

# Bobby, we've been thinking of you. #

Isn't this some world?

I'm afraid to get married. You're afraid NOT to.

Oh, Robert, thank you.

I'm really...

It's just that...

..you have to want to marry somebody,

not just some body.

CRASH OF THUNDER

Oh! Will you look at that!

He went out without an umbrella. I gotta catch him.

I'm getting married. Oh, and he's... he's so good, isn't he?

He is so good. Hey! Amy!

Um...

I'm the next bride.

# Bobby, come on over for dinner

# Just be the three of us! Only the three of us!

# We lo-ove... #

# Marry me a little Love me just enough

# Cry but not too often Play but not too rough

# Keep a tender distance

# So we'll both be free

# That's the way it ought to be-e

# I'm ready!

# Marry me a little Do it with a will

# Make a few demands I'm able to fulfil

# Want me more than others Not exclusively

# That's the way it ought to be-e

# I'm ready!

# I'm ready no-ow

# You can be my best friend

# I can be your right arm

# We'll go through a fight or two

# No harm, no harm

# We'll look not too deep

# We'll go not too far

# We won't have to give up a thing

# We'll stay who we a-are

# Right... OK, then

# I'm ready!

# I'm ready now!

# Someone

# Marry me a little Love me just enough

# Warm and sweet and easy Just the simple stuff

# Keep a tender distance So we'll both be free

# That's the way it ought to be-e

# I'm ready!

# Marry me a little Body, heart and soul

# Passionate as hell But always in control

# Want me first and foremost Keep me company

# That's the way it ought to be-e

# I'm ready!

# I'm ready no-ow!

# Oh, how gently we'll talk

# Oh, how softly we'll tread

# All the stings, the ugly things

# We'll keep unsaid

# We'll build a cocoon

# Of love and respect

# You promise whatever you like

# I'll never collect

# Right

# OK, then

# I'm ready! I'm ready now!

# Someone

# I'm ready

# I'm ready

# I'm ready... #

God, I'm...

HE SOBS SOFTLY

I'm, um...

MUSICAL INTRO BLASTS OUT

# Bobby! Bobby! Bobby, baby,

Bobby, bubi! Robbie!

# Bobby! Bobby! Bobby, baby! Bobby, bubi! Robbie! #

APPLAUSE

We're in the dressing room in the interval of Company.

I wanted to ask how it all began.

I'd known George for a number of years.

I was called in to write songs for a show called Hot Spot - Judy Holliday's last musical.

George was in the show. He lived in California. We corresponded when the show closed.

He sent me some one-act plays...

Each play dealt with three people, although not the same three people,

usually a married couple and an outsider.

The production fell through, so he, in desperate straits, asked me what he should do with them.

I sent them to my friend Hal Prince to advise us

whether to persist or to take them to television or to forget it,

cos a brace, even, of one-act plays are seldom done, much less seven of them.

So Hal said, "Let's make a musical out of them", so he sent for George.

We spent a few weeks talking about how to make a musical out of them.

It seemed impossible to make a musical from seven disparate pieces.

Over a period of time, we realised what the plays had in common was this couple and this outside person

and that maybe if we could make the outsider the central character we'd have a reason to amalgamate.

And we ended up with five couples and the outsider, named Bobby. And thus it was born.

The first non-linear commercial piece.

At that time, musicals were very narrative-based. Your work had been narrative-based up to that point.

It was all narrative, every show had been narrative.

It also was a product of its time.

This was 1969 when we wrote this, and it was produced in 1970.

It was the end of the era where things like the traditional notion of marriage was breaking down.

The sexual freedom of the '60s.

All of that was coming together and informing this piece

and George reflected that, I think.

So the idea of a piece about commitment and non-commitment

and fear of commitment, emotional commitment, seemed appropriate.

How autobiographical is Company? Every show I've written, people think I'm the central character.

In fact, they ignore the fact that all these characters are created by the playwrights, not by me.

Obviously, there's something that attracts me, that I can relate to,

but I didn't think of Bobby as me. I don't think Hal did either.

If there's any of George in it, it would be more likely as he wrote it,

although there's a model for every single person in Company.

It's always very flattering to say it's Stephen Sondheim's musical, but they're George's characters.

Um... And I'm a very good imitator

and I mimic what a writer writes.

I like collaboration because I think it's a substitute family for me, and most revivals of musicals

are carbon copies of the original.

It's very rare that musicals are done in a different way. Very rare.

What you've made clear as director is that it's something that takes place inside the hero's head.

By doing that you reverse the polarity of the show's reputation.

It's always been known as the show with lots of fascinating characters and a cipher in the centre.

Here, the most interesting character is the one at the centre.

This piece takes place inside his head. Let's see what happens.

# Bobby! Bobby! Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo

WITH HARMONIES, REACHING CRESCENDO: # Bobby! Bobby! Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo

# Bo-obby! #

Our blessings, Robert.

Tell your wish, it won't come true.

HE BLOWS SOFTLY

You just blew it. Probably a wish you wouldn't have got!

- You wish for a wife, Robert? - Don't. Hang in there.

Stay the same - you may be the one constant in this world of variables.

You can't stay in your thirties for ever. You'll still get your wish. No.

Joanne, come on. When she and Robert get together...

If you do not blow out all the candles on your cake,

you do not get your wish.

I know the rules for birthday candle blowing out, I've had enough for a wax museum.

All right, all right. Actually, I didn't wish for anything.

What do you mean, you didn't?

Tell, everybody's curious.

Thanks for including me in your thoughts... Stay exactly as you are.

That's right, you sweet thing.

Everyone adores you. What an awful thing.

I'd kiss you goodnight, Robbie, but Larry gets so jealous.

Everything works out for the best.

..I don't even believe that myself.

When you've got friends like mine...

I mean, when you've got... friends like mine...

# Isn't it warm

# Isn't it rosy,

# Side by side? # He's such a cutie! # By side. # Isn't he a cutie?

# Ports in a storm

# Comfy and cosy, side by side. #

He never loses his cool.

I envy that.

# Everything shines How sweet

# Side by side. # We're just so fond of him!

# Parallel lines

# Who meet

# Love him, Can't get enough of him

# Everyone winks, nobody's nosy

# Side by side... # He's crazy about me. A very tender guy.

# You bring the drinks And I'll bring the posy

# Side by si-de. # Always there when you need him.

# One is lonely and two is boring

# Think what you can keeping ignoring, side... #

He's my best friend. # ..by side. #

Second-best. # By side. #

ALL:

# Never a bother,

Seven times a godfather

# Year after year, older and older... #

It's amazing! We get older and he seems to stay exactly the same.

# Sharing a tear

# Lending a shoulder... #

What comes to mind when I see him? The Seagram's building. Funny.

# Ain't we got fun? No strain... #

Sometimes I catch him looking and looking. I just look right back.

# Permanent sun

# No rain

# We're so crazy He's so sane

# Friendship forbids anything bitter... #

A person like Robert doesn't have the good things, doesn't have the bad things.

# Being the kids as well as the sitter... # Let me make him a drink.

He's the only guy I know I feel should drink more. # One's impossible, two is dreary

# Three is company Safe and cheery... #

Always looks like he's keeping score.

Who's winning Robert?

# Here is the church

# Here is the steeple

# Open the doors and see all the crazy, married people. #

# What would we do without you?

# How would we ever get through?

# Who would I complain to for hours?

# Who'd bring me flowers When I had the flu?

# Who'd finish yesterday's stew?

# Who'd take the kids to the zoo?

# Who is so dear? Who is so deep?

# Who'd keep him occupied when I want to sleep? How would we ever get through?

# What would we do without you? #

RHYTHMIC PANTING

# What would we do without you?

# How would we ever get through?

# Should there be a marital squabble

# Available Bob'll be there with the glue

# Who could we open up to?

# Secrets we keep from guess who?

# Who is so safe? Who is so sound?

# You'll never need an analyst with Bobby around

# How would we ever get through?

# What would we do without you?

DRUM PLAYS MARCH BEAT

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK

# What would we do without you-oo?

# How would we ever get through-oo?

# Who sends anniversary wishes?

# Who helps with the dishes And never says boo?

# Who changes subjects on cue? Who cheers us up when we're blue?

# Who is a flirt But never a threat?

# Reminds us of our birthdays Which we always forget How would we ever get through?

# What would we do without you?

# Bobby! Bobby! Bobby, baby...! #

Come on, Bob!

Stop!

RHYTHMIC PANTING # What would we do without you?

# How would we ever get...? How would we ever get...?

# How would we ever get...? How would we ever get...THROUGH?

# What would we do without yo-ou?

# Just what you usually do! Right!

# You who sit with us You who share with us

# You who bitch with us You who bear with us... #

WHOOPING

# OK, now, everybody!

# Isn't it warm?

# Isn't it rosy, Side by side?

# Ports in a storm

# Comfy and cosy side by side

# Everything shines

# How sweet!

# Side by side

# Parallel lines

# Who meet

# Side by side

# Year after year, older and older Side by side

# Sharing a tear and lending a shoulder, side by side

# Two's impossible, two is gloomy

# Give another number to me

# Si-ide

# by si-ide

# by si-ide

# by side, by side, by side, by side

# by side, by side, by side, by side

# by side, by side By...si-i-ide! #

WHOOPS AND APPLAUSE

Hi. Hi. Come on in.

There we go.

Oh! It's a darling apartment.

Oh. Thank you. It's just darling.

Did you do it yourself?

Me? Um... Well, yes, I did, yeah.

Yourself? ..Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Well, it's darling.

Did you REALLY do it all yourself? Yes. Why? Did you hear I didn't? Oh... No.

But, look. What? This!

This is just precious. Yeah, it is, isn't it?

I never really look at it. I just... live here. It's terribly clever.

See how nicely all the furniture is placed in areas to make it so warm, sweet and tucked in?

How about that?

And the choice of colours is so simple and masculine. MACHO VOICE: Hey, see that?

Isn't that tasteful and interesting? Yes. I'll take it.

Oh...

Here. I mean, I've always liked my apartment. I'm just...

I'm just never really in it.

I seem to pass through on my way to the bathroom, so I can pass through here on my way out.

You never spend time in here? Uh-uh.

And it's so dear. Oh. Oh...

Maybe that's why you like it so much.

Why? If you don't spend much time in it, it keeps it special and important.

Yeah... Yeah!

And this is the bed.

You love it, I can tell.

Oh, well, I guess I could always look for another place.

Darling.

Yeah?

# Robert. # What!

# I worry. #

Why?

# He's all alone. There's no-one. #

Where?

# In his life.

Robert ought to have a woma-an

# Poor baby

# All alone

# Evening after evening By the telephone

# We're the only tenderness he's ever known

# Poo-oor baby

# David? # Yeah? # Bobby... # What?

# I worry... # Why?

# It's such a waste There's no-one. #

Where? # In his life. Bobby ought to have a woma-an. #

# Poor baby, sitting there

# Staring at the walls and playing solitaire

# Making conversation With the empty air

# Poo-oor baby. #

After I became an airline stewardess,

a friend of mine who had a garden apartment gave me a cocoon for my bedroom.

Well, he collects things like that -

insects and caterpillars, and all that.

It was attached to a twig,

and...

he said one morning I'd wake up to a beautiful butterfly in my bedroom.

When it hatched.

He told me that when they come out they're soaking wet

and there's a drop of blood there. Isn't that fascinating?

But within an hour they dry off and then they begin to fly.

Well, I told him I had a cat.

I had a cat then.

He said to put the cocoon somewhere where the cat couldn't get at it, which is impossible.

So I put it up high on a ledge where the cat never went.

Next morning it was still there, so it seemed safe to leave it.

Well, anyway, almost a week later, very, very early this one morning,

he calls and says, "April, do you have a butterfly this morning?"

So I told him to hold on and I managed to get up and look, and there on that ledge

I saw this wet spot and a little speck of blood...

But no butterfly! I thought, "Oh, dear God in heaven, the cat got it".

So I picked up the phone to tell the guy and just then suddenly I spotted it under the dressing table.

It was moving one wing.

Oh, the cat HAD got at it, but it was still alive.

So I told the guy and he got so upset

and he said, "Oh, no.

"Dear God, no! Don't you see that's a life - a living thing?"

Well, I got dressed and I took it to the park

and I put it on a rose - it was summer then.

And it looked like it was going to be all right.

Well, I think, anyway.

But that man - I really felt damaged by him.

Awful. That was just cruel.

Well, I got home and I called him back and I said, "Listen, I'm a living thing, too...

"you shithead!"

I never saw him again.

You know, that reminds me of something I did to someone once.

In Miami. ..No.

Well, it's not exactly the same, but it's... Well, kinda, in a way...

Hey, look, you'll see.

Um... OK. I met a girl.

A lovely girl. At a party, one night,

and, well, it was just like you and me, April.

We just connected.

You don't mind my telling this? No.

Oh, it just...came to my mind.

Anyway, we connected in such a beautiful way, exactly like tonight.

Except we couldn't even contain ourselves. It was incredible.

See, we were talking and suddenly we realised that we just couldn't talk any more.

No sounds came.

We stood staring at each other

bathed in perspiration.

Our legs were trembling and our breathing was so short, and we just left.

We drove to one of those strips where they have all those motels,

and we didn't even say anything.

She just sat so close to me.

So close.

We got inside that room...

and we started kissing and touching

and laughing and giggling and holding... And, suddenly,

she said I should go get lots of champagne and some baby oil

and we should get beautifully high

and then rub, um... Well, you know.

She said she'd be in bed waiting for me.

Well, I rushed out of that motel room

and drove around until I could find a drugstore and a liquor store open

and I got all this champagne and the baby oil and finally I started back to the motel

and I could not...find it.

I looked for over three hours.

I never found it.

I never saw the girl again either.

That...is the most...extraordinary story I have ever heard.

That poor girl! A-And you drove around for three hours? More!

All night, I tried to find that motel, with the champagne and oil.

And my hands trembling and sweat, lots of sweat, running down my face.

That poor girl. She never knew? Uh-uh.

I-I just don't know what to say or do. That is so sad! Yeah. I know.

It is. Very. But... Those stories don't really follow. I don't see the connection.

U-Unless...

You must've thought of the poor girl as a wounded butterfly... That's it!

# Robert! #

# Bobby! #

# Bobby, honey! #

# You know no-one

# Wants you to be happy more than I do, no-one,

# But isn't she a little bit...?

# Well, you know? You know. Face it. No-one wants you to be happy More than

# I do. Better. No-one.

# But isn't she a little bit...? Well, you know, face it

# No-one wants you... #

OTHER VOICES HARMONISE

# But isn't she...? #

# ..Happy more than me... #

# You know... #

# Face it... #

# Isn't she a little bit, well...?

# Dumb. #

# Tacky. #

# No good. Old!

# She's tall enough to be your mother!

# She's very weird. Goliath!

# Poor baby!

# All alone

# Throw a lonely dog a bone

# It's still a bone

# We're the only tenderness he's ever known

# Poo-oor baby! #

MOODY SAX PLAYS

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

HE SWITCHES IT OFF AND SIGHS

# Where you going? Barcelona

# Oh. Don't get up

# Do you have to? Yes, I have to

# Oh. Don't get up

# Now you're angry. No, I'm not

# Yes, you are. No, I'm not

# Put your things down See, you're angry

# No, I'm not. Yes, you are No, I'm NOT!

# Put your wings down and stay I'm leaving

# Why? To go to... Stay... I have to... Fly, I know

# To Barcelona. #

# Look, you're a very special girl

# Not just overnight

# No, you're a very special girl

# And not because you're bright

# ..Not JUST because you're bright

# You're just a very special girl...

# Ju-une

# April!

# April

# Thank yo-ou. #

# What you thinking?

# Barcelona

# Oh. Flight eighteen

# Stay a minute

# I would like to

# So... Don't be mean

# Oh, stay a minute

# No, I can't. 'Yes, you can!'

# No, I can't. Where you going?

# Barcelona

# So you said. And Madrid

# Bon voyage. On a Boeing! Good night

# You're angry. No

# I've got to... Right. ..report to... Go.

# That's not to say

# That if I had my way

# Oh, well, I guess...

# OK...

# What? I'll stay

# But...oh, Go-d! #

APPLAUSE

HE COUGHS DELIBERATELY What a nice surprise! Peter, look!

Hi, Bob.

You must be Kathy.

Wrong.

April? Shelly?

Whoa.

See, they're great kidders.

No, this is Marta. Oh, of course, and everything Robert said you were.

You're so pretty and so...original.

Oh, my God, will you look? You can see the East River. Look!!

Later. I'm surprised to find you on the terrace. I decided to fix it up.

Is our Robert not a thing of beauty and a boy for ever?

PETER: So, how you been, Bob? Well, you know me. Always happy.

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

Did Susan show you the pictures from Mexico when I went to get the divorce?

You're not married?

Not since the divorce.

It was sensational down there.

I phoned Susan to come join me.

We put on five pounds.

So where are you living now, Peter? Here. I have responsibilities.

Wouldn't leave Susan and the kids.

Whenever Robert's here d'you feel

like we're auditioning for him?

Well, "The unexamined life's not worth living". The unlived life is not worth examining!

Come inside and I'll fix us something to eat.

Look, we're all four of us single.

It's nicer, I think.

Especially if you have somebody.

Bob, did you...? Yeah, I know. This is why you love New York. Yes!

She's terrific! D'you ever get excited by the younger generation?

At moments.

Jesus, Robert, this is when I should be being born. This is my age.

Wild-ass kids with probing minds rebelling against all that crap. I identify with 'em. You shouldn't.

We're the enemy. No, sir. Not I. To these kids, you and I are square.

Robert. Yeah? Did you ever have a homosexual experience?

What do you mean? Oh, no, no, no.

I don't mean as a kid. I mean since you've been an adult. Did you?

Well, yes. Actually, yeah, I have.

Yeah, so did I.

You're not gay, are you? No, no! Are you? No. No.

No, for Christ's sake. No, no, no.

I think sometimes you meet somebody and you love the crap out of them. Yeah.

Sometimes you just wanna manifest that love, that's all. That's true.

You can even know someone for a long time and then suddenly you just wanna have them.

Even an old friend.

You just desire that closeness. Probably.

I mean, you know...

two men really would,

if it wasn't for society and the conventions and all that crap.

Every so often... you'd just go off and ball

and be richer...

closer...better off for it,

don't you think?

Um... I don't know.

I mean... I...

Like us, for example. I mean...

Do you think that you and I... could ever have anything like that?

You know what I think?

I think we'd better go inside, Peter.

I think they're gonna hurt themselves. What if their mothers came in and saw them doing that?

Think of their poor mothers.

He's embarrassing. Hey, hey, hey-hey! >

Anyway, people who laugh and dance and carry on like that - they're not happy. No.

Think of your poor mother!

He's not what you'd call self-conscious.

He's not what you'd CALL!

WHOOPS AND SCREAMS

It shocks me to see a grown man

dance like that. I'm shocked.

Where was I?

Oh, my first husband.

He is so difficult to remember.

Even when you're with him.

We got married here in New York.

He was here on business, had a big meat-packing company in Chicago.

Attractive?

We lived in New York for almost a year and then one day he suddenly decided to go back to Chicago.

He was actually surprised when I told him I'd just wait here for him.

I still don't know quite where Chicago is.

It's over there, somewhere.

He said he wasn't actually coming back, so I knew we were in a tiny dilemma - or at least HE was.

I was still too young, but old enough to know where I was living,

and I had no intention of leaving New York. Never have, never will.

And I'd never wanna go to a place where they feel honoured being called "hog butchers of the world".

I said, "Kiss off, Rodney"...

but I said it nicer.

Well, we got a divorce.

A divorce.

One word means all of that.

Another drink, guy... Sir. Oh, sir!

We already gave.

You had a few while I was dancing. What was all that carrying on?

What was all that? Shocking. Awww...

Sir!! Trois encore, s'il vous plait. I asked you to dance.

I only dance when you can touch.

I don't think standing bumping around, making an ass of oneself is a dance.

I find it unbelievably humiliating watching my own husband flouncing around the dance floor,

jerking and sashaying all over the place, like Ann Miller. Take off the red shoes. Off!

Was I that good?

Very excellent. Amazingly good.

Joanne, I love you when you're jealous. Kiss me. I hated dinner. I hated the opera,

AND I hate it here!

What I need is more to drink!

And look at Bobby, how desperately he needs another drink.

Ah, here he comes again!

Sir! Drinks! Here!

Two more bourbons and a vodka stinger!

Do you know that we are suddenly at an age

where we find ourselves too young for the old people

and too old for the young ones?

We're nowhere.

I think we'd better drink to us.

Huh? To us - the generation gap.

We are the generation gap!

Are they staring at me! Who?

Hmm? Yeah. Well, let 'em. Let 'em stare, those BROADS!

What else have they got to do? All dressed up with no place to go. What time is it? In real life?

Somebody bring us another drink!

Oh. You did(!)

So aggressive.

Stop staring!

SHE BEGINS TO LAUGH

I'd like to propose a toast.

# Here's to the ladies who lunch

# Everybody laugh

# Lounging in their kaftans and planning a brunch

# On their own behalf

# Off to the gym

# Then to a fitting Claiming they're fat

# And looking grim

# Cos they've been sitting choosing a hat

# Does anyone still wear a hat?

# I'll drink to tha-at

# Here's to the girls who stay smart

# Aren't they a ga-as?

# Rushing to their classes in optical art

# Wishing it would pass

# Another long, exhausting day

# Another thousand dollars

# A matinee, a Pinter play

# Perhaps a piece of Mahler's

# I'll drink to that

# And one for Mahler!

# Here's to the girls who play wife

# Aren't they too mu-uch?

# Keeping house, but clutching a copy of Life Just to keep in touch

# The ones who follow the rules

# And meet themselves at the schools

# Too busy to know that they're fools

# Aren't they a ge-em?

# I'll drink to the-em

# Let's all drink to the-em!

# And here's to the girls who just watch

# Aren't they the best?

# When they get depressed It's a bottle of Scotch

# Plus a little jest

# Another chance to disapprove

# Another brilliant singer

# Another reason not to move

# Another vodka stinger

# I-I-I-I-I'll...

# drink to that

# So here's to the girls on the go

# Everybody tries

# Look into their eyes and you'll see what they know

# Everybody di-ies!

# A toast to that invincible bunch,

# The dinosaurs surviving the crunch

# Let's hear it for the ladies who lunch

# Everybody ri-ise!

# Ri-ise!

# Rise! ..Rise!

# Rise!

# Rise! Rise!

# Rise!

# Ri-i-ise! #

WARM APPLAUSE

Larry, I would like a cigarette.

Remember when everybody used to smoke? How it was more festive...

I don't know, happier, or something.

Now every place is not unlike an operating room, for Christ's sake!

No... Well, I never smoked. Why?

I-I dunno. I meant to. Meant to!

Does that count? The story of your life! You were lifted right out of a Krafft-Ebing case history.

Meant to!

You were always outside the window looking in, while everybody was inside dancing at the party.

Now...

I insist you smoke.

Your first compromise.

Oh, sir! Sir! More cigarettes, please.

These are fine. Lethal.

Here, Rob! Smoke!

No, thank you, Joanne. Honey, come on - he doesn't. Hey, you smoke. I'll watch.

Watch... Watch...

Did you hear yourself? Did you hear what you just said, kiddo? WATCH?!

I am offering you... Yeah! AND I...

Yeah, and I don't want one.

Because you're weak.

I hate people who are weak!

That's the best.

Better than Prozac.

Smoking may be the only thing that separates us from the lower forms.

D'you wanna split? Of what?

See, every day, my wife here tests me to see if I'll go away.

And twice a year she packs up to leave so I'll ask her to stay.

My mother was a very difficult woman.

And my old man left her, and regretted it till the day he died.

Now, me, true, I'm married to this wildly conceited broad with no self-esteem.

But she fascinates me.

I got a wife who has a hard time believing that she found a guy

she daily...fascinates.

And, unlike my father, I'm a very happy man.

I'm going to the john, and when I come back, the holiday is ending. OK?

Whoa, Larr...

Larry, I got the check. I GOT THE...

Well, um, see, I know he's off to pay the check.

Or maybe buy the place.

You know, it is a comfort to have rich friends, but...

I DO like to pay some of the time.

Oh, well, you talked me into it.

You, um... You have a good third husband, Joanne. He's a good man.

Anyway, thank you for the evening.

I'm glad I joined you. I felt really low... Really depressed.

Hey, I drank, but you...

Wow! You really PUT IT AWAY tonight.

The last several times you and I have gotten together,

I have had shameful hangovers.

Ah-h, just...abominable.

We may be doing permanent damage. Think of that.

I dunno what to think of the fact that you only drink with me.

Well, I guess that is not unflattering.

..Uh-oh!

I hope I don't depress you.

Hey, we have good...times and it's a hoot, yeah?

Whatever you say, Joanne.

Um... No. I do not want a cigarette,

if THAT is what you're trying to stare me into.

Although I am a product of my generation, I still do not smoke.

See, my age group is a very uptight age group...

See, middle age is breaking up that old gang of mine. We...

Oops.

It's very... It's very drunk out tonight.

What are you looking at, Joanne?

Huh?

What?

Is it my charisma?

Hmm? Hey, well, stop looking at my charisma.

When are we gonna make it?

LOUD GULP

..I beg your pardon?

When...are we...

gonna make it?

Well, hey, what's wrong with now? There's my place. It's free tomorrow at two.

Larry goes to his gym, then the office. Wait...

No, don't talk. Don't do your folksy Harold Teen with me.

You're a terribly attractive man.

The kind of man most women want and never seem to get.

I'll take care of you.

But who will I take care of?

Did you hear what you just said, kiddo? I... I didn't mean that.

I just heard a door open that's been stuck a long time.

Like I haven't looked at all that?

At marriages and all that? And what do you get for it? What do you get?

You see what you look for. It can never be what couples pretend it is.

I don't wanna have to end up disappointed every day for the rest of my life. Like you are now(?)

What gives you...? The check's paid.

If... What's wrong? Shit!

Just what the hell do you get?!

And...

Oh...

Um...

Say...

What was all THAT?

I just did someone a big favour.

Come on, Larry. Let's go home.

What do you get?

# Bobby! #

# Bobby, baby! #

# Bobby, bubi! #

# Robbie! #

# Bobby, we've been trying to call you! #

# Angel, I have something to tell you! #

# Been trying to reach you all day! #

# There was something we wanted to say! #

STO-OP!

Shhh!

VOICE WAVERS

Look...

WHAT do you get?

# Someone to hold you too close,

# Someone to hurt you too deep

# Someone to sit in your chair,

# To ruin your sleep. #

- We're getting divorced Bobby. - We haven't told anyone yet.

Listen, not everybody should be married, I guess. To me, a man should be married.

# Someone to need you too much,

# Someone to know you too well

# Someone to pull you up short

# To put you through hell. #

You just see what you look for...

- Well, you gotta give up to get. You know what I'm saying?

- Unlike my father, I'm a very happy man. I just heard a door open that's been stuck a long time.

# Someone you have to let in

# Someone whose feelings you spare

# Someone who, like it or not,

# Will you want you to share a little, a lot. #

You've so many reasons for not being with someone, but you haven't got

one good reason for being alone.

# Someone to crowd you with love

# Someone to force you to care

# Someone to make you come through

# Who'll always be there As frightened as you of being alive

# Being ali-ive

# Being ali-ive

# Being ali-i-ive. #

Blow out your candles, Robert, and make a wish.

Want something.

WANT...SOMETHING!

# Somebody hold me too close

# Somebody hurt me too deep

# Somebody sit in my chair

# And ruin my sleep And make me aware of being ali-ive

# Being ali-ive

# Somebody need me too much

# Somebody know me too well

# Somebody pull me up short

# And put me through hell

# And give me support For being ali-ive

# Make me ali-ive

# Make me ali-ive

# Make me confu-used

# Mock me with pra-aise

# Let me be u-sed

# Vary my days

# But alone

# Is alo-one

# Not ali-ive

# Somebody crowd me with love

# Somebody force me to care

# Somebody make me come through

# I'll always be there As frightened as you

# To help us survi-ive

# Being ali-ive

# Being ali-ive

# Being ali-ive! #

APPLAUSE

# Bobby! Bobby! Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo

# Bobby! Bobby!

REACHING CRESCENDO:

# Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo!

SOFTLY: # Bo-bb-ee... #

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

Shhh!

KEYS RATTLE IN LOCK

DOOR CLOSES

Must have been the apartment across the hall.

This is the craziest thing, huh?

Think anything's wrong? No. Neither do I. I do.

It has been over two hours now. Maybe he forgot.

How can anyone forget a surprise birthday?

Or maybe the surprise is on us.

I think I got the message.

OK. Altogether!

Everybody.

Happy birthday, Robert.

PIANO TINKLES SOFTLY

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

APPLAUSE