Original subtitles

- Gather round, Grouse Lakers!

Here's the day we've all been waiting for,

the annual Berry Picker Festival Dinner and Talent Show.

And here's the greatest talent of them all,

your host, DJ Roger Laughingstick!

(crowd chatter)

- Ahem!

- Shut up! Quit humming!

- Eat a lozenge, or some shit!

- Let's do it again, then!

Here's your host, Roger Laughingstick!

- Hey, boy! We're visiting!

(theme music)

♪ Cause I can love you baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪♪

- I said, silence!

- Holy!

- Just killing the vibe!

- Alright then, dinner will be served throughout the show.

But before we get to the first act,

let's have a few words with last year's Mr. Berry Picker.

(applause)

(cheering)

So you clap for him, eh?

Whatever!

Sooo, you've been Mr. Berry Picker all year.

How does it feel?

- I don't know.

- You must've felt something.

- I don't know.

- Jesus Christ!

- Like, blueberries.

- Would you please sit down?

- We love you, Mr. Berry Picker!

- Yeah!

(cheering)

- Before the night's done, we'll crown a new Mr. Berry Picker,

and catch the surprise guest performance.

- Charles Bronson?

Steven Seagal?

- Billy Jack?

(loud gasp)

- He's not even real!

- Liar!

- It's none of those people!

- Sorry we're late, everybody.

Rose was yelling at me before we left.

(applause)

- He's not even on stage!

- Sorry, Roger!

- Well, isn't this a great start?

- Killer seats, Dee. Perfect heckling range!

- I told you, no heckling tonight!

- But it's part of the show!

- The best part!

- It's been ages since we went out.

I just want one quiet night, no loud babies. Please?

- Mm-hmm. Okay, babe.

- Without further ayee, it's time to introduce our first act.

He's Manitoba's 18th most popular comedian,

all the way from Poplar River First Nation,

here's Chris Kazlauskas!

(applause)

- Boo!

- What kind of Native man has a last name like that, anyway?

(laughter)

- We just said no heckling!

- It's part of the show, babe!

- Tell us a joke already, man!

- I just got up here!

- Well, it sounds like it's time for you to get off!

(laughter)

- Yeah!

- B'eb, see? It's part of the show!

- So, how's everyone doing tonight?

- I'm doing okay, my back hurts a little bit though.

- Sorry about your back!

- Hey man! Don't you worry about it!

(laughter)

- Nice conversation, bro!

(laughter)

- Okay--

- Hi, can we be friends?

(Chris): Pretend that he hadn't come out yet, okay?

- Mmm.

- Wegonen?

- Well, I just wouldn't use those for this job.

- Okay, Agnes. I know you've cooked these events on your own

for the last 20 years. But I got this!

- Of course!

I know it's your kitchen now, I'm just here for moral support.

Hmm.

You know, if you put it on your shoulder

like a little pet muskrat, it gives you really quick access.

(sigh)

Okay, I'm just here if you need me.

- If I need you.

(Stephen): Excuse me, Beanpole?

- How's it looking, Stephen Harper?

- Well, they're really giving it to Roger,

so I think they're getting hungry.

- Okay. Gather round, people.

We got a hundred people to feed, so no fucking around, got it?

- Yes, Chef!

- Then get to work, now! Majan!

Ho'leh! Weweni, Beanpole.

Your mood can affect the food!

You must have love in your heart so that the people can taste it!

- Well, this food is gonna taste like rock and fucking roll!

(rock music)

(speaking Cree)

(audience booing)

- Hisss!

- Let's hear it one more time for Chris Kazlauskas,

and the hecklers!

(applause)

Moving on, our next act tells me he has the access codes

to your unconscious mind, whatever that means! Give

it up for Nigel Void, the hypnotist!

(applause)

- You may forget your name, but you'll always remember mine!

Nigel Void!

(applause)

- Oh, buddy! This guy's gonna get it!

- It's almost too easy, like, choking fish in a barrel!

- I need two brave volunteers.

You! And you! Enter the Void!

(applause)

- You call this bannock?

Agh, my ancestors would haunt you for this!

- Maybe the bannock wouldn't be so hard

if you would just lighten up a bit!

- You're still on with this?

- Okay. You want this pickerel to be the star of the night?

Watch.

Anim, pickerel.

Miigwetch for giving your life to us,

I hope that you really taste good. Aho!

- Oh, Mr. Potato, I love you so much!

- The sarcasm on you!

- The judgment from you!

- Don't argue in front of the food!

- No, the food needs to hear this!

- When I snap my fingers, our two volunteers will stop

being chickens.

One, two, three!

- Whoo! Wow!

(applause)

- Somebody call a tow truck, man, this show's a wreck!

(laughter)

- Thank you. And thank you to our lovely volunteers!

Now, any smokers in the house?

- Oh, hey! Any colonizers in the house?

(laughter)

- How am I a colonizer?

- Hey man! First, white people tried to steal our land,

and now, you're trying to steal our brains!

- Yeah, you're a mind colonizer!

- You two want to be in the show so bad,

why don't you two come on up here?

- You can't hypnotize these brains!

- Yeah man, our skulls are too thick!

- Nigel Void can hypnotize anyone!

- Pssh! Let's go!

- Alright!

- Why don't you two come on up and enter the void?

(cheering)

Now, what you are about to witness

is the most dangerous mind feat in all of hypnosis -

the body swap!

- Err! Pervert!

(laughter)

- I want you two to slowly allow yourself to let go!

(snoring)

(laughter)

I've never seen it happen that fast!

Softest brains I've ever worked with!

(applause)

- You're not gonna like this,

but they're starting to send the food back.

(speaking Cree)

- Well, one table said the food tasted angry,

another said the potatoes tasted too...sarcastic?

- Hate to say I told you so!

- If you know better, you take over!

- Well, I couldn't do that. But since you asked!

(humming)

Ahh. Watch and learn, Beanpole, watch and learn!

(flute music)

(humming)

- You see each other at the end of a long tunnel.

Now go to each other!

Now, when I snap my fingers, the big one will enter

the dumb one's body, and vice versa.

One! Two! Three!

(snaps fingers)

(crowd gasps)

- Told you, bro! We can't be hypnotized!

- Our minds are like steel traps, bro!

- Wait a minute, bro! I'm you!

- And I'm you, bro!

(both): We've been Freaky Fridayed! -

Thank you Grouse Lake, and good night!

(cheering)

- Hey!

- Aaah! Help!

- Hey man! You switch us back, you corporate sellout,

button-down, cornfed,

(inhale)

Marshmallow motherfucker!

- Yeah, I'm good!

- Alright, fine! What do you want?

- I don't know, how about an apology for calling me

a mind colonizer?

- That's an easy one.

I'm sorry, bro!

- Okay. Okay.

- Sorry you're a mind colonizer!

- Enjoy living in each other's asses,

for the rest of your lives!

Exit the void!

- What the fuck? Just say sorry, bro!

I'm tired of being in this gigantic body,

I used to be able to jump!

- I don't negotiate with colonizers!

- In that case, go fuck yourself then!

- Apparently, this next act is educational and entertaining,

so edutainment?

(crowd booing)

Just keep quiet and watch your next act!

- Oh man!

(applause)

- Oh boy, I'm really hungry.

- I am too, what should we eat?

- Boo!

(crowd booing)

- We have fried chicken,

fried baloney, fried milkshake.

- Let's dip it all in lard!

(thunder claps)

- Oh no! Who could that be?

- Fox geek! Who is it?

- It is I, Evil Cholesterol!

(Boys): Oh no!

- Hi, I'm in every cell in your body.

I also help your organs do their jobs.

- Do...their...

jobs.

- But, too much cholesterol, ooh, it's a bad idea!

- Slow down boy, we're learning!

- How do you spell cholesterol?

- K-U-L-A-S-S-T-R-E-L.

- Thank you!

- You know you really have a lot to learn about cooking,

Beanpole.

(speaking Cree)

You know, you have to keep the kitchen safe.

Like a nursery! And the food are the children.

(gasp)

Why do you hate the children, Beanpole?

- There's no way this makes a difference!

If it's not a real ingredient, then who cares?

- So much to learn! Aah!

(speaking Cree)

Sweet food, may it bless the mouths of those that eat it!

That was a good one, you should write that down! Sommak!

(grunting)

- See, Paul? This is why you don't heckle!

- I'm not Paul, bro! It's Dean!

- Babe, it's me!

- See, Paul? This is why you don't heckle!

- Okay, so you knew my heckling would cause me to go into

Dean's skinny ass body?

- Shut your mouth! Or Dean's mouth!

- Ugh! Goddamn, this skinny ass body's so cold,

there's no insulation!

- You smarten up! Or I'll start exercising!

- This body is in factory reset mode, brah!

- What do you mean by that?

- I mean, I got a lotta room! And I'm gonna fill it!

(grunting)

- Thanks for ruining my night!

- Babe! I'm sorry, I'll fix this!

- How are you gonna fix this?

- All he has to do is apologize to the hydroponics guy,

and then he'll switch us back!

- And you haven't done that?

- But babe, he's a colonizer!

- Come on, man! Fucking do it already!

- That's not reconciliation, turncoats!

Ow, ow! Babe, I got no padding there!

- Fix this, now!

(grunting)

- God, you're beautiful!

- Okay, so you're not gonna like this.

- Oh yeah?

- They all felt it tasted a little too condescending

with a judgmental aftertaste.

- Well, you must have heard them wrong.

- The fish was also a little spoiled,

but not in the way you might think.

More like it was coddled, like a mama's boy!

(laughter)

- Oh, looks like your mood's affecting the food, Agnes!

- Before we bring out our special guest,

we have an even specialer guest - and no, it's not Billy Jack.

It's me, and Betty, my flute!

- Agh, you suck, boy!

- I haven't even played a note yet!

(flute)

- Boring! Bring back Cholesterol!

- Arrgh!

(laughter)

(microphone feedback)

- Okay, fine!

Our special guest used to work here,

but left to chase his dreams.

- Ah, it better not be Greg!

- Oh, for fuck's sakes!

Here's Greg, I quit!

(cheering)

(laughter)

- Mind Blower!

- There's my wizard!

- Uh, this is not part of the show, everybody!

- Greg, I miss you bro!

- Really? Cause you once punched me in the back of the head

when we ran out of ice cream.

- You should've put up a sign, man!

- Some creepy hypnotist swapped our bodies,

and now I'm stuck in Paul's body.

- When you say it like that, it sounds weird!

- Greg!

Use your mind powers to change our bodies back!

- Gentlemen!

Brace yourselves.

Heh!

Ho!

Energy too powerful!

Brains too weak!

(grunting)

Oh, I, I can't do it!

- Great show, Greg! Real mind blowing!

- Hypnotist! I command thee,

put my friend's brains back in their bodies!

(Nigel chuckling)

- You see, illusionists, they're all phonies.

Hypnotists, we burrow our way into your minds.

No tricks!

- Stand back.

(dramatic music)

- A battle of the minds?

You're on!

(audience): Brain fight! Brain fight! Brain fight!

- Ten dollars on the vampire!

- You need me to take over again, Agnes?

- Pony-shin, Beanpole.

I'm just sharing all my love with all of my blueberries.

I love you.

I love you.

And love even you!

- Everyone's waiting!

- Shut up, Beanpole! Nobody even likes you!

- Careful, Agnes. You want your food to taste mean?

- Uhhhh, what about you, Meanpole?

- Meanpole, eh?

- Yeah!

Aaah!

How could you waste the food!

Ooh!

(gasps) - Watch my flame shirt!

- Is the dessert ready yet?

(Agnes and Beanpole): Shut up, Stephen Harper!

- Give it up, mind loser!

- Neverrrrrr!

(grunting)

- Come on, store buddy! Get him!

- He's too powerful!

- Arrrgghhh!

(grunting)

- I'm sorry, Dean!

- Use the power of our friendship!

(soft music)

(grunting)

- Dean was right!

You're no match for the power of friendship!

But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Cause you're nothing but a mind diddler!

- Not friendship! My one weakness!

- Argh!

- Come on, more! Do it again!

- Mind Blower!

- Fine, when I snap my fingers,

the big one enters the dumb one's body and vice versa!

- Hey, who you calling big?

- Hey man! Who you calling dumb?

- One. Two! Buckle my shoe!

(snaps fingers)

- Wha!

- Holy fuck!

(laughter)

I got my body back!

- Mind Blower, you did it!

(cheering)

- Mark my words, Mind Blower.

I never forgive, and I never forget. I'll be back!

- Let's go, before he comes back!

- Jesus Christ, man. Just fucking go, already!

- We don't know what's happening! Is it finished?

- If only there was someone here to officiate this event,

then maybe we'd know.

- Aha! You need me!

- You win this one, there, Roger!

- While the dessert comes out,

let's announce this year's Mr. Berry Picker. Drum roll please!

(crowd banging on tables)

And the winner is...

Ugh! It's him again!

(applause)

(laughter)

Mr. Berry Picker, how does it feel?

- I don't know.

(audience member): Marry me, Mr. Berry Picker!

- This never would've happened if you'd just minded your own

damn business!

- If I just minded my own damn business,

you'd be just serving hate burgers!

- Ladies, please!

I may be just a simple cuck of questionable parentage,

but even I can tell that what you're doing in here

is affecting everyone out there!

Plate after plate has gone out there with all of your

emotional poison all over it,

and I won't let it happen anymore!

If we can't put aside our differences for the sake

of the food, then we're no better than the whites!

- You're right, Stephen Harper!

- Yeah, you showed us the way back to our hearts.

Here, whip it! Whip it good!

Niminjinawez, Beanpole. I should've let you cook.

- Niminjinawez, I should've taken your advice.

- Hm.

- Um, guys? Okay, don't be mad,

but someone said it tasted too sincere, too resolutiony!

- Can I see that?

(Agnes and Beanpole): Aaaahhhhh!!

(laughter)

- Wait! Before anyone leaves, we have one final act!

- Rose! I'm sorry that I ruined your night away from PJ, but!

There was never going to be a night away from PJ.

- What are you talking about?

- Please welcome DJ PJ!

(audience gasps)

- Look, there's mommy! Look!

Alright PJ the DJ. Drop that beat!

(record scratch)

(techno music)

(record scratch)

Haha, that's my boy!

Subtitling: difuze