Original subtitles

140 BPM.

It's a little faster than we'd like, but not uncommon for renal patients.

I knew it. I'll call Mom. No, don't call Mom. She's just going to freak out.

Yeah, hi, Mom. It's elevated.

Yeah, well, tell Mom that I'm going to start him on Carbate alone, and then

we'll be monitoring for the next few hours.

And if you need anything... She's freaking out. She wants to talk to you.

don't want to talk right now, but don't tell her that because... He doesn't want

to talk to you right now. I'm so sorry, Mom.

Mom, I'm here, and I do want to talk to you. He's physically keeping me from the

phone. I am not. Your son is just a prick.

Ruben's got a tattoo?

He's got a tattoo. Ask to see his left ankle, Mom. He will not show you. Harry

has been on the kidney transplant list for three years now. Still a couple

out. The wait can be frustrating.

Helps to have family around.

Usually.

Sorry. Hey, quick question.

If someone wanted to give Harry a kidney directly, how would that work? Could he

skip the line?

Sure, if you had someone that wanted to do that.

Yeah. Me.

Wow. That's incredibly generous.

Yeah, I've offered to him before, but he always turns me down. So I would love

to do this, you know, anonymously.

That is so beautiful.

Well, we'd have to run some tissue tests to make sure you guys are a match, but

we could knock that out today.

Great. Ruben, your parking ticket's on the floor. You're out of your mind if

think I'm paying a lost ticket fee.

Gee, no wonder his kidney wants out. You're shouting in a hospital.

I like to say that every day is a big day here at St. Dennis, but today those

are not just words that I'm saying.

Today the city building inspector is coming by to sign off on the new

center. Ah, the final step.

Bring it, Mr. Bulldog Inspector.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I meant to say building inspector, but can you imagine a bulldog

inspector?

I want that job.

That was an uplifting start to the day.

This guy offered his brother a kidney.

Oh, wow. How much you want for it? No, it was like a selfless gesture. He

want anything for it. Not yet.

Oh, boy. Just once, I would love for it to be, Hey, Alex, I totally agree with

that very uncontroversial thing that you've just said. How's the new vanilla

creamer? My stance on flavored creamers is no.

Okay, yeah, it was a nice gesture, but it was not selfless. Because nothing is

selfless. Take her to school, right? And the nice guys always want something in

return. A pat on the back, a high five.

People do selfless things all the time. I mean, this job is selfless.

You can pay for it.

All right.

Well, you know what? I just donated $25 to Parker's GoFundMe for his dog's eye

surgery. And you get to look like a good person.

Plus, the next time you put that tin can out for Ella's Girl Scout cookies,

Parker owes you one. You know what? I'm on Team Alex here. Thank you. Yeah. Last

thing in the world I wanted to do was go to the gym this morning, but I went

anyway. Why?

Not for me.

For my chest and back.

And traps.

Okay. So I'm alone in this. No, I get it. It's like how you did that big pond

cleanup last weekend.

Exactly. Which I know about because you posted it on Instagram.

Did she disable the likes? Oh, no, she did not disable the likes. Do I know

that means?

Don't need to. I just know she didn't do it. You know what? Hate on me all you

want, but if you needed a kidney, I would be the first to offer mine. No

attached. Wait, but that applies to me too, right? If I need a kidney?

Obviously, Serena gets first dibs.

No, but we should get a list going so there's no drama later.

Okay, Alex's organs.

Who wants what?

So, Ron and Serena think it's impossible for someone to do something for purely

selfless reasons.

Well, I am pretty sure I just proved them wrong. How did I prove them wrong?

not telling. Because that would be taking credit. And credit is of no

to me.

Daddy! I got you. You're my captive. Uh -oh. Guess I'll have to lick my way out.

What? Just did a little research.

92 % of kidney transplants come from loved ones. So there's actually a lot of

value in having close relationships.

And not just for your kidneys. No. Men with strong friendships live an extra

four years on average.

Yep. Bruce needs a dude.

Looking for a dude.

Okie dokie.

Listen, I happen to be in the market for a friend. A best friend, as a matter of

fact. And, Matt, you are the lucky guy who's going to help me find him.

Oh, good.

Pretty psyched to be helping Bruce on his friendship journey.

I mean, who wouldn't want to be his best friend?

Texting back and forth, sharing inside jokes.

Sorry, I was just imagining what they could be.

Yeah, that is going to be fun.

For someone.

Hey, Joyce. The building inspector just got here.

Oh, you sure you don't mean the bulldog inspector?

Sorry. You weren't there.

Bummer. Anyway, he's down the hall.

Oh.

Oh,

my God. Val, are you sitting down?

Yep. Kate, do you remember me telling you about a date I went on about five

years ago at Enzo's?

No. Yeah, you do. We both ordered the breaded eggplant, and they only brought

one, even though we wanted two.

No. And then I went to the bathroom and I got locked in, but I had left my cell

phone at the table.

No. And the stalls were only six inches off the ground, so I had to slither

underneath and I got my back all wet.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was funny.

Well, it's him.

That's Michael.

Okay.

You guys, I just checked the GoFundMe for my dog Bunzee's eye surgery and

an anonymous angel just donated $1 ,000.

Wow. Are you sure it wasn't $100?

Nope. It was $1 ,000.

Damn. That's crazy.

I added an extra zero.

Two zeros is $100.

Three zeros is $1 ,000. It's too many zeros.

Good news. A lot of tips online for how to make friends. You could join a cigar

club or a rec sports team.

There's also community theater.

Okay, I'm trying to find a pal, Matt. Not join the cast of Seussical, the

musical. Come on, can't we just rustle up someone around here?

Oh, that's great. I didn't know you were open to mixing friendships and

professional relationships.

Yeah, well, I am, so go on. What do I do?

I guess you could start with the classics, right?

Ask questions, listen, relate, express an interest. Okay, well, I know you're

not supposed to do that with women, but who knows? Maybe it'll work with men.

All right, get out of here, you knucklehead.

Brucicle the musical.

Now that's something.

So I accidentally made a payment on my card.

Well, it wasn't an accident, but the amount was incorrect, and so I just want

know if I can cancel that charge.

Representative?

Did you make sure and say that deep down inside you're a very selfless bank

customer? Or are they just going to pick that up as you take money out of a

suffering dog surgery fund?

Well, I just want to reiterate how deeply, deeply grateful I am. May

made that donation, I wish you'd speak up so that Muncie and I can thank you

properly.

Parker.

Whoever did this, I'm sure they're happy that you're happy. And that's all the

thanks they need.

Wow.

Curveball.

Then he whisked me off to karaoke where we sang 90s jams for hours.

And after the second round of no scrubs, even the owner was like, haven't you

had enough?

P .S. I hadn't. So did the night end there?

Don't ask me that.

We might have FK'd.

Oh, you... No, no.

Must you take it there?

No, we French kissed.

FK'd. Does anyone call it that?

If you know, you know, Dakota.

Anyway, we might be able to use this to our advantage.

Hey, you.

It's Joyce.

Hey, I'm just going through the electrical, and then I'm going to move

HREC.

Joyce, Joyce Henderson.

Yep, the only Joyce on my contact sheet.

Well, so how are you?

Asked me that after I finished the two inspections they just added.

They must be close by, right? No, they're far.

Okay, this is funny, right?

What am I, on some hidden camera prank show?

No, you'd have to tell me, right? That's the law.

Okay, propofol's set to push. Set to push. 20 mils? 20 mils. Also, what's up?

What? Well, how's your life going? You, uh, I don't know, you binging anything

these days?

Actually,

yeah. Oh. The wife and I just watched a great How It's Made about aglets.

The hell's an aglet? You know, those... Little fasteners that go on the ends of

shoelaces to prevent fraying.

Patel, are you trying to put this guy to sleep or me? I love that show.

Right? It's like all this stuff you never think about.

But once you do, it's happening. You just want to learn more.

Yes. Okay, put him under.

Ridiculous.

It's really sweet what you did for Parker.

Not all heroes wear capes. Dakota, I don't even know what you're referring

Hey.

How are you doing?

You're holding up?

Yeah, I'm fine.

We'll just, you know, shop at the cheap grocery store this month.

Hey, do people ever resold their Skechers?

Do you think maybe it's time to talk to Parker about getting your money back?

No, I can't do that.

I mean, if enduring a little bit of pain is what it takes to show I'm a good

person... Al, come on.

You're literally the only person who replaces toilet paper in the ladies'

Yeah, but I'm always a little spiteful when I do it. Alex, because you're a

person. Now go mess Parker up and get your money back.

Hey, what's up?

Sorry, was my sickness boring you?

I mean, it's been over an hour. Well, okay, I was... You were at the gift

right? Right. Yeah, I was at the gift shop. Oh, you're out spinning a keychain

tower while I'm stuck with this guy, huh? You asked me about my weekend.

No offense.

It's just I thought, I don't know, having my brother sit with me during a

medical crisis wouldn't be such a huge ask.

Oh, I don't think he thought it was a gift shop. Okay, okay.

You want to know what I was doing? I was out getting tested to see if I could

give you my kidney.

Yeah, but I was trying to do it anonymously. Oh, anonymous.

Wow, hero.

And you almost kept it quiet a whole morning. Because you couldn't get off my

nuts for leaving the room for ten minutes. It was an hour. You know what?

don't want your kidney anyway, okay? I am rejecting it outside the body. Oh,

are a child, okay? Oh, I'm a child.

So a bit of an awkward stitch here, Parker.

That $1 ,000 donation was actually me.

And it was supposed to be $100, which I think is still pretty generous.

But there was some finger slippage. So if you could just issue me a quick

refund, that would be amazing.

Yeah, that kind of doesn't add up.

Last week you donated, what, $25 under your name?

Oh, well, yeah, I can see why that's confusing. And now you made this huge

second donation that you don't want credit for. Nah, nah.

That's, like, super soft.

I don't think we need to call it that.

You know who this really isn't? Fair to?

Wrong.

Seriously?

Are you? This is really gross, Alex.

Even for you.

Even? for me?

Now, the building inspector doesn't even recognize me.

Did I have different hair back then? Let me check.

I keep a monthly log of your length and shape. No, I think my hairstyle is still

the same.

Send me that log, though.

Maybe I just need to jog his memory.

I mean, you don't sing no scrubs with someone until the wee hours of the

and then just forget them.

Honestly, he might be gaslighting you.

Last weekend, I ran into Keith at Costco.

Didn't even say hello. Just asked him to check the back for more Charmin Ultra.

He found it.

Hey, good news. Your fire suppression system looks solid.

Oh, you know, I am famished today. If I don't get some Clams Pazalipo in me

right now.

Oh, speaking of Clams Pazalipo, have you ever been to Enzo's, that cute little

Italian place next to the muffler shop?

I have, actually. Oh, have you now? Yes, ma 'am. Did their inspection.

Dinged them for termites.

Yeah, but have you ever eaten there?

Maybe you had a waiter with a skin problem you kept joking about?

Sorry?

A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly, and he's also known as a buster.

What? Okay, that's enough.

How did I become the villain for offering you, um, checks, notes, a piece

body? Because you lord things over me. You're a lord. You love the lord. I'm a

lord? I am not a lord.

Behold the selflessness.

I mean, I almost want to be wrong once just so I know what it feels like. All

right, you're enjoying this way too much. What is the point in being cynical

you can't enjoy it? I don't know, man.

It's still, like, sad when bad stuff happens.

Aw, you still have some lightness left inside you, adorable.

Just give it time, it'll die out.

It's still sad when bad stuff happens.

Oh, my God, Ron.

That's so generous.

I'm sure there are plenty of people here that could use your money.

You're doing something. Don't do something. Holy hell!

Didn't you say your church is saving up for a new bell?

Oh, my God, yes.

We've raised $450 so far, so just $19 ,550 to go.

Let me tell her. Nope, nothing to tell her. Oh, you're so shy.

But I think it's interesting.

I agree. Stop.

Hey, Ron, if you're giving away money, Linda's mom got romance scammed again,

we're trying to fill the coffers back up for her.

Dude, you are so right. The trail flow on Eagle Ridge rules. But did you notice

they started allowing e -bikes? Oh, don't get me started. E -bikes, or as I

them, cheaters.

I'm going to use that. Okay, my gift to you. Thank you.

Mr. Spencer came in with a twisted ankle from cycling.

This guy loves bikes. And Bruce happens to be our very own...

I can't think of a famous bike guy, but they're a match. Hey, so tell me, what

kind of steel pony are you, Jackie?

Nothing fancy, just a 2020 Pathway Pioneer. Big fan of the Pioneer. Eats

for breakfast.

But I think it came out in 2021.

Not important.

Well, me and a great group of guys have a bike club that meets Sundays. We do

tacos after.

And it's always pretty fun. Yeah, see?

There it is.

Yeah, Pathway officially began selling its flagship model, Pioneer, the one you

said, on February 6, 2021.

I was right about that.

And maybe they sold it earlier in different parts of the country.

Oh, so the Internet is wrong. Yeah, that's probably it.

I better warn the others. Guys, don't use the Internet for a while. I got some

kinks I need to work out.

Oh, my God.

While I stand in solidarity with the IBS community, I will not be subscribing to

your sub stack, okay?

You won't.

Somebody will.

Nobody wants to read about all that stuff, Dakota.

Listen, you win.

People suck, I suck, but I want my money back, so I need you to tell Parker the

truth. Well, I keep trying to tell people, but they don't believe me.

They say they see a twinkle in my eye. Do you see a twinkle? Well, you did

heavily imply that you gave Parker the money.

Well, I only did that to break your spirit.

What is wrong with the men around here?

It's like, Patel, shut up.

Oh, and that lab tech? Come on. No way that was the first time someone told him

he looked like Roseanne.

Totally. Or that biker guy?

Hey, what kind of steel pony you jacking?

I said that.

No, yeah, I mean, I was just in a context for... Yeah, right.

You know, I hate to admit it, but if you're looking at a crowd of people and

find something wrong with all of them, I don't know, maybe it's time you turn to

yourself and say, I have got to get away from these people.

Yeah, for sure. Or is it possible, and this is just something dumb that popped

into my head, maybe your best friend has been right under your nose this whole

time?

Oh, yeah, I thought of Ron, but he's too old, Matty.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah, that was kind of dumb. Totally. It's okay. We'll find it.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, here's my bank statement.

Grubhub, Grubhub Postmates, Grubhub, no charities, no donations.

Here on my bank statement right there, $1 ,000.

Yeah. Huh.

Okay. I believe you. So, guys, it looks like Alex is the one who made the

donation.

Thank you. Thanks.

Okay, so can I have my money back, please?

Oh.

Yeah,

I already spent that.

I spent all of it. Wow.

How much was this dog surgery? Oh, that was covered, so I used the rest to buy a

new TV.

What? Why would you do that?

Because the old one was small, and this new one is big.

Does that make sense?

Hey, almost done just checking the seals on the wall base. Okay, let's cut the

crap right now. I don't know what kind of sick mind game you're playing with

but you and me, we went out on a date.

What are you talking about? You want me to prove it? I'll prove it right now.

Let's see. Look at this. Who does that say?

Michael, hinge, because we met up.

Don't. Do not look at me like that. I'm going to text your phone. Admit it,

pervert. We French kissed.

Send.

Yeah, get ready to answer that phone.

Take this now.

Who is this? I'm with my kids.

Oh. Oh, no.

Honey, if you're watching this, I do not know this woman. I have never met this

woman. I love you so much, and I'm going to be home soon.

Oh, my God.

Sure, I didn't find my bestie today, but now I know what I'm looking for. Well,

we deserve someone great, so...

Just keep looking. Yeah. Just got to hunker down and redouble my efforts.

Male friend.

Come on. Friend who's a male. Who is a friend?

Hey.

Yeah? Do you want to come over Saturday night?

We keep jamming on this.

I think we need a little space, right? Hit it with fresh eyes. Come on, you and

me. Yeah, yeah.

Sure. Okay.

Order some wings, a couple six -packs.

Might even be a game on.

Yeah, that'd be great. Nice.

So, I know you guys have had some drama today, but also your tissue results just

came back and you are a match to donate your kidney.

Family matches seem to take well. You could be healthy again soon.

Healthy?

Sorry, it's just a lot, you know.

Obviously, I would be honored to accept your kidney.

even if you do lord it over me, which I know you will, but that's okay.

I would too. But I also know you want to help, and that means a lot.

Wow, okay. Well, I will call the transplant team and have them drop by

chat. Thank you very much. This is great and all good intel, and we'll

talk about it. Yeah, we'll talk about it.

We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. What is there to talk about? We're

going to figure out. Oh, wow.

Okay. No, I knew you were going to do this. No, no, no. He did not want to be

match. He gets the credit. He keeps the kidney.

An organ that's been inside my body for 40 years. I think I can have a night to

think about it, right? Best of both worlds.

Again,

I really want to apologize.

That was totally inappropriate and completely my fault. Hey, it's no harm,

foul. These things happen.

I mean, I really don't know if they do, but it's fine.

Thank you. That's very generous.

Here you go. Okay.

You failed your inspection.

What? Yeah. Warped south wall, exposed electrical, and I saw some faulty sink

drainage. How?

How? Oh, I think your contractor was what we call in the business a bad

contractor. So let me know when those things are fixed, and I will send

else.

Goodbye, Joyce.

You know, maybe our intentions are never entirely pure.

But you know what I would call doing a good thing for a selfish reason?

I would call it doing a good thing.

Whatever my motives are, I can sleep at night.

And that's more than I can say for Parker, who will be working the night

for the next six months.