Original subtitles

( surf music playing )

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Turn the sun down ♪

♪ Turn the sun down ♪

♪ Oh, no, don't say surf's up ♪

♪ I don't hang ten ♪

♪ In fact, I hang none ♪

♪ Take the undertow ♪

♪ Hurry up and row ♪

♪ Maybe someone could turn down the sun ♪

♪ Sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ Turn the sun down ♪

♪ Sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ Turn the sun down ♪

♪ Sun, sun, sun, ooh ♪

♪ Where's Jaws when you need him? ♪

♪ A tsunami ♪

♪ Would just be too grim ♪

♪ Hey, don't block my shade ♪

♪ Hold the lemonade ♪

♪ Maybe someone can turn down the sun ♪

♪ Sun, sun, sun, ooh ♪

♪ Turn the sun down ♪

♪ Sun, sun, sun, ooh ♪

♪ Turn the sun down ♪

♪ Sun, sun, sun, ooh ♪

♪ Turn the sun down ♪

♪ Sun, sun, sun, ooh ♪

♪ Turn the sun down ♪

♪ Ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah, ooh ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah-ah, ooh ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah-ah, ooh ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah-ah, ooh ♪

Well, students...

I certainly appreciate

your help in cleaning out the classroom for the summer.

It almost makes me forget

that most of you didn't learn a thing all year!

That's not true.

I learned to sleep sitting up.

Mr. D, as QB I think I can speak for...

Careful with that map, Kevin!

( squeals )

Now, without turning around

did you want to dangle

a morsel of hope before me by announcing

you're doing something constructive this summer?

Like partaking in much needed remedial classes

or some sort of vocation?

I'm not going on vacation.

Me and Brit are going to be lifeguards!

No turning, Kevin.

Do not turn until...

Did you say lifeguards?

It'll be really easy

cause I already know how to use...

Um, a bullhorn.

( screaming )

Why couldn't I have been born

during an influenza epidemic?

Or at the base of a volcano?

Why did I survive, grow tall and strong

only to squander all my potential

by becoming a teacher?

( screams )

When he would have made

such a wonderful motivational speaker.

( laughs )

Now, remember, the P-STATS

are a good dry run for your college boards.

If you got 1,200 points or better, kudos.

You'll have a wide and exciting choice of colleges.

And for those with less, uh, robust scores

there are still wonderful opportunities

in the food services sector.

Hmm, 940.

902.

955.

956.

I guess we're all of comparable intelligence.

Yeah, comparable.

( bell rings )

All right, have a rewarding

and growth-filled summer, everyone.

And by the way, we still have openings

for counselors at the Okay to Cry Corral--

my day camp for sensitive children

and those who'd like to be.

It's going to be wonderful.

I hope some of...

Um, all right, then.

I'll miss you all, too.

Quinn, you'd like to join the roundup

at the Okay to Cry Corral

and make a difference in a child's life?

Why would I want to do that?

I just, um, need to ask you something.

Problems at home?

Is it your mother?

She seems awfully stressed.

Has she been acting out on you?

It's about my test score.

Oh.

Um, let's say you got a certain score on a test

and it wasn't terrible...

but some other people got almost the same score--

people you really thought you could do better than

although for personal reasons

you'd rather not name them or say why?

Um... what?

Okay, forget everything I just said.

Let's try this.

Can I get into Pepperhill with a 955?

955? Oh, dear.

Well, let's see.

Pepperhill University.

It is known more for its wide range

of social activities than for academics

but... ah!

Uh-oh!

I'm afraid to get into Pepperhill

you'll need a combined score of at least a thousand.

But that's not fair!

I didn't have time to study with my fashion club duties.

Don't extracurricular activities count for anything?

You think you might have done better

if you'd studied?

Who were those other people you mentioned?

I told you to forget them!

Eep! Of course you did!

Well, Quinn, if you think studying would help

I say go for it!

Take this summer to crack the books!

Hire a tutor!

Put your nose to the proverbial grindstone.

What's wrong with my nose?

( groans )

I think I'm finally finding out

what it feels like to be a Lane.

That can't be

since it's only afternoon

and you're already out of bed.

I mean the lack of tiresome parental involvement.

Mine have been so busy

they've completely forgotten to force me

into some dumb summer activity.

I'm turning into you.

Well, you've got so much else of mine

you might as well have my identity.

Hey.

Take a joke, Daria.

Anyway, que ironico.

You don't have summer plans. I do.

"Ironico's" not a word.

This old commune-mate of my mother's

runs an artists' colony.

I've been accepted into their summer program.

That's great.

That sounds sincere.

Why didn't you say anything?

I didn't want to jinx it.

Two months of painting and sculpting my heart out

in a college town in the middle of nowhere--

starting this weekend.

Does this college town have a name

or do you just turn left at the kid with the tractor?

Cheer up, Daria.

Without me around, you'll have that much more time

for your budding social life.

This college book said you need a score of 1,000

and a B-minus average to get into Pepperhill.

God, we're only flesh and blood.

Stacy, ew.

Sorry.

So we'll go somewhere else.

Somewhere that appreciates

our specialness and individuality.

But I'm sure I can do better on those tests.

You can do better?

We! Did I say me? We.

Gee, Quinn, I'm glad you think

you're so much smarter than the rest of us

but you're worried about nothing.

We have plenty of time

to pull up our test scores next year.

Yeah, no sweat.

Stacy, ew.

Sorry.

More waffles, Dad?

I found an extra stick of butter.

No, thanks.

The old diet, you know.

May 2?

Hey, it's June!

These waffles have expired!

Relax, Jake, that's a sell-by date.

They've been frozen since then.

They're fine.

Easy for you to say.

You didn't just eat four poisoned waffles!

Mom's right.

Besides, if you had food poisoning

you'd be developing a very mild stomachache by now.

A mild stomachache?

I think I have one, damn it!

Jake, can't you ever tell when anyone's joking?

Of course I can.

Uh, you're not doing it now, are you?

It's June?

Oh, my gosh, Daria.

What are you doing this summer?

I was wondering when you'd ask

but don't worry, I have a job.

Good for you, kiddo!

I see, and what exactly is this job?

I'm sorry, but the confidentiality agreement

I signed with the government

prevents me from revealing that.

I've already said too much.

Wow!

I mean, wow, what a funny joke!

Daria, I'm serious.

I'm not going to let you sit around the house all summer.

Fine, I'll lie around the house all summer.

Quinn, what are your plans for the summer?

All right, I admit it.

My P-STAT scores were a little low.

What?

Sandi said we have

plenty of time to catch up next year.

What about all the new things you'll have to learn then?

Yeah, the second half of the alphabet

is even harder than the first.

Oh, great, so you think I should get a tutor, too.

Aren't there, like, any TV shows I can watch?

Good idea.

You wouldn't want to flunk the essay section on Matlock.

Ha! Matlock!

Well, if you don't want a tutor, then...

Fine! A tutor it is.

Just make it out to me-- Brittany!

Gee, thanks for clearing that up.

You're welcome.

What are you guys doing this summer?

Two internships, volunteer community service

a part-time job and, in my spare time, golf lessons.

Wow! What about you, Mack Daddy?

Driving an ice cream truck.

Ha, that's not very prestigitatious.

Thanks for pointing that out.

You're welcome.

Mack owes his father some money

and I think it's very conscientious of him

to take that job and pay him back.

Yeah, he gets the money; I get the humiliation.

Mack, it'll be fine.

Wait, isn't golf for old people who dress funny?

Yeah, my parents.

They're trying to get into Winged Tree Country Club

and they want me to learn how to play.

Hey, do you get to wear one of those little hats

and ring that bell that goes "ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling..."

"A-ling"?

So I told my parents, "All right

"I'll go with you on your little trip to Bermuda

"but don't expect me to take part

in any family luaus."

But isn't it Hawaii where they do luaus?

Gee, Quinn, that's exactly what my mother said.

Maybe you should go with them.

( giggles nervously )

What are you doing this summer, Quinn?

Oh, nothing special.

See some movies, catch up on my dating, get a tutor.

A tutor?

Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry.

Really.

I know, it's terrible

but my mother's making me.

Um, you guys will keep it to yourselves, won't you?

Of course.

You can trust us.

You have our word.

You guys are the best.

I think we should talk.

Okay. We are now talking.

About the Tom thing.

That I don't want to talk about.

If you're still upset about it, we should deal with it now

especially since we won't be seeing each other all summer.

You don't get it, do you?

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to think about it.

I told you I'm not mad at you about Tom.

Now, let it freaking go, okay?

Can I at least take you out for a good-luck pizza

before you leave for your big art adventure?

Daria, I said, let it go.

Jake, put the paper down.

That boy Daria's been dating is on his way over.

You mean Quinn's been dating.

No, Daria.

Oh, good one, honey!

Old Jake Morgendorffer sure appreciates a funny joke.

Jake, will you listen to me, please!

Daria's been out with this Tom several times

and we're finally going to meet him

and I want to make sure we have our game plan together.

Wait, I remember now.

The guy without any vocal cords.

I want you to stay cool and relaxed

and not embarrass her by getting all nervous and crazy.

Daria said he communicates by blinking.

Now, was it one blink for yes or one blink for no?

Jake, she was joking!

I know!

( laughing )

Now, what's the game plan?

The game plan is, you don't say a word.

So he won't feel self-conscious

about the vocal cords, right?

( groans ) ( doorbell rings )

Hello. You must be Tom.

Hi...

I'm Helen Morgendorffer.

Glad to...

Won't you come in?

I...

Great!

We've heard so much about you, Tom.

Really?

Um, well, actually...

Hey, there, young man!

Jake Morgendorffer.

Hi. I'm Tom Sloane.

Sloane?

Not the same Sloane as in Grace, Sloane and Page?

Well, that's my dad, so I guess...

Grace, Sloane and Page?

Hey, sign me up for a little of that insider trading!

Little joke, of course.

Class firm like your father's would never...

Um, say, you know, my vocal cords hurt.

I'd better go gargle.

Sorry about that.

They've been acting a little strange

ever since, oh, I can remember.

Pizza?

Okay.

What's this?

My new car.

Well, my grandmother's old one.

Did you want this car?

Well, yeah, after my parents had my old one towed away

in the middle of the night.

Note to self: leave Quinn out on curb tonight.

Oh, hi, Daria!

Um, hello.

Hey, Daria. I didn't know you had a brother.

What?

Jane's going out with your brother?

Wow! What?

You're Tom, right? Jane's boyfriend?

Well, I'm Tom, but...

How long have you and Daria been brothers?

I mean, how long has Daria been your brother?

Wait a minute.

Actually...

Listen, it's been great talking and all

but we've got to get back to the rent-a-brother shop

before they charge us for an extra day.

Bye.

You know what, babe?

I don't think he's her brother at all.

What's the matter?

I can't do this.

I can't spend the evening in there

explaining to people

that no, you're not my brother

and no, you're not Jane's boyfriend.

You're actually my uh...

Yes?

guy I'm dating.

Okay, I understand.

I know. Let's bag the pizza place

and go to my parents' club.

You're not much for crafty strategizing, are you?

Nobody knows you there.

Besides, they charge my folks for meals

whether they eat them or not

so we might as well get their money's worth.

Tom, as much as I'd like to help your family

in their time of need...

Do they have cheddar fries?

Think you'll come visit me while I'm working

in my father's office this month?

You can help me file earnings reports.

Oh, sure, that old line.

Boy, you can really smell the mold

on the old money in here, can't you?

Better on the money than on the food.

Uh-oh.

Someone pull out a new 20?

Mom, Dad, Elsie.

Daria, this is my mother and father

and my sister Elsie.

Hi, Daria. Nice to meet you.

I just spoke with Aunt Mildred.

She's made a lot of improvements on the house.

She had the screen door fixed.

We always spend August at the Cove

with my Great-Aunt Mildred-- it's kind of a tradition.

In other words, we don't have a choice. Elsie!

Daria, I'll bet you have

something fun planned for the summer.

Um...

Actually, Daria's just going to relax.

She's earned it.

She made high honor roll all three trimesters.

Fielding doesn't have trimesters.

I go to Lawndale High.

Oh. Well, high honor roll is an achievement at any school.

Actually, at ours it just means you just managed

to stay out of prison all year.

( forced laughter )

Sorry about the family onslaught.

No big deal.

Your parents had to find out

you were dating me sometime.

Does that bother you

that I hadn't told them about you?

No.

Daria, I never tell them

about anyone I'm dating.

Now I really feel special.

Well, you should, because I like you.

Thanks. Um, I'd better be going.

Hold on.

I want to ask you.

Do you, you know, feel the same way about me?

Uh, yeah... sure.

Bye.

Hi. I'm David Sorenson.

Are you Quinn?

I don't know.

Is this the ninth circle of hell?

The Divine Comedy.

Wait a minute. You know that?

All right, who are you

and what do you want with my sister?

I'm here to tutor her.

Seriously.

Quinn, your tutor's here.

David, hi. Helen Morgendorffer.

Don't mind Daria.

Unemployment does strange things to one's mind.

Eric tells me you've worked wonders with his niece.

Jasmine's been doing very well.

Of course, it makes my job much easier

to have the support of involved parents.

( chuckles )

Yes.

Quinn!

I see here that you took European history last year.

I guess there's no need repeating that.

Oh, yeah, Napoleon, Waterworld, the A la Carte.

Hmm, revisit European history.

Moving on to literature.

I want you to check off all the books you've read.

No point in assigning Ethan Frome

or Silas Marner again.

What did they write?

( laughs )

Okay, how's this for an idea?

You tell me which are your best subjects.

Well, let's see.

I have an unerring color sense.

I got a postcard from your mother.

Boy, do I envy her in Death Valley.

Can you believe there are some people

who wouldn't want to go there in July?

I know. Here we are.

I'm not saying Fauvism didn't have its place

but now it just looks like so much black velvet junk

at the swap meet.

That's not fair.

You can't evaluate the work outside the context of its time.

You can if it's good.

( Sedona clears throat )

Everyone, I'd like you to meet your new housemate Jane.

Jane-- Caroline, Jett, Anais and Paris.

Hey.

Enjoy. I'll see you later.

Thanks.

Nice haircut. Thanks. I...

Anyway, color is not just something you fling around

like a dog marking its territory.

Kevy, you look so cute!

And you look hot!

And your muscles, they're so ripply.

Aw, babe.

Hey, you guys are supposed to be watching the pool.

What about this arm? Is it ripply, too?

Ooh, let me see how ripply.

( coughing )

Oh...

Can't talk. Top secret mission.

Well, complete your mission soon

because I'm sending you on another one.

Mr. O'Neill called looking for day camp volunteers

and I signed you up.

You didn't.

You start Monday.

I'm sorry, but you're not staying locked up

in your room all summer.

So instead you're going to lock me up

with a busload of whiny kids

and the poor man's Kathy Lee Gifford.

Daria, you need to be more tolerant.

You know what they say-- "Judge and be judged."

And I judge myself unfit for human contact.

That's exactly what you will be

if you don't start engaging with the rest of us.

You keep hiding your real face

behind that antisocial mask

and one day the mask will be your face.

I'm not letting that happen.

You're working at that camp.

What about my feelings?

What about my rights?

( door closes )

What about my bribe?

But, Stacy, how can I possibly decide

if you should wear your chocolate brown

or beige brown headband

if you haven't picked out your eyeliner?

Beige brown. Bye.

Sorry.

Okay, as I was saying, people in the Middle Ages

were in constant...

God, we're still on the Middle Ages?

I mean, things were so depressing then

and everone was so short.

( phone rings )

Sandy, hi. I'm kind of bus...

She wore under-the-knee knee socks?! No!

Hang on a second.

Where are you going?

Far, far away.

Sandy, I'll call you right back.

Okay, so we were talking about short people.

No, you were talking about sock length.

See ya.

But you can't go. I haven't learned anything.

Gee, and how do you propose to do that

when you're on the phone through the whole session?

But they call, David, they call!

Look, you seem bright enough, but I just can't sit here

and listen to any more vacuous prattle

with your brain-dead friends.

Eyeliner, headband colors, God, are you boring.

I'm not boring. I'm popular.

Hey, the only reason you're popular is your looks

and those won't last forever.

You have nothing interesting to say

and no intellectual curiosity whatsoever.

Do the world a favor and don't go to college.

Give up your spot to somebody who wants to learn.

But you just said I was bright.

So what? It doesn't matter.

If you're hell-bent on achieving complete brain atrophy

before you're old enough to vote...

I'm not!

Do you even know what atrophy means?

David, my friends and I all got practically the same scores

on our P-STATS.

So?

So they were bad

and I know I can do better.

It's not like I care or anything

it's just that I know I can.

It's not like you care?

It's not like you want to do better?

Then why the hell am I here?

All right, I care. I want to do better.

Okay, then, the Middle Ages.

♪ With a knick-knack, gentle pat, give the dog a bone ♪

♪ This young person helps out at home. ♪

Now just the counselors.

♪ This young person, he played... ♪

Oh, dear.

Greetings, and welcome to the "Okay to Cry Corral."

I'm Uncle Timothy, and together we're going

to take a journey to the land of self-discovery.

A land where it's okay to laugh

and it's okay... to cry.

I feel like doing that now.

And now I'd like my co-counselors

Daria and Uncle Anthony

to say a few words about what they hope

to accomplish here.

After you, Daria.

Thanks, Uncle Anthony.

My goal is to get out of this unscathed.

I'm hoping to rediscover

the joys and satisfactions of teaching

and the motives that led me to pursue such a thankless...

I mean, rewarding profession in the first place.

At least that's what my doctor says I need to do

before I incur a cerebral hemorrhage.

Uncle Anthony, I mean, what are your goals for the campers?

( chuckles )

Oh. Um...

"To help make this a pleasurable experience for all

Let's learn to love ourselves together."

Okay, let's divide into three groups, shall we?

One, two, three.

Daria, you take group one.

Um, hello.

Would, um, anyone like to say anything

before we get started?

How come you're so pale?

Why do you bite your nails?

Do you ever smile?

Um, how about you?

Would you like to say anything?

Is it fall yet?

When I unveiled Paper Plate Genocide in 1991

it was hailed as intriguing, provocative, even brilliant

and not just by me.

( laughter )

No. We all know critics tend to get carried away

but what was I thinking

when I created a work that seems to have turned out

both seminal and semiotic?

"I can't believe I'm getting away with this"?

Excuse me, Mr. Dotson?

Please, Paris, isn't it?

Call me Daniel.

Daniel, I just want to say, I think

you're the greatest living artist of our time.

And not just because I have no taste.

I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?

My alimony bills.

I don't sit around and wait for inspiration

I grab it in the glint of the sun on a frozen peak

in the pain of an arthritic's hobble

and a lover's whisper in the dark.

So I'd have to say

my inspiration comes from life itself.

Wow!

Well, that's enough

of the old windbag's ramblings for today.

( students sighing ) We'll pick up here tomorrow.

Hi. I'm Allison.

Jane.

Our Mr. Dotson's really something, isn't he?

Well, he certainly doesn't let substance

get in the way of self- congratulatory yap.

At least we'll never have to worry about him

intimidating us with his talent.

I want an Astro Pop.

Hang on.

Give me a fudge bar.

Just a second.

The flavor just went out of my snow cone.

You suck!

Yeah, you suck!

( phone ringing )

Yeah?

Sound like you're having as good a day as I am.

Well, things are looking up now.

Want to do something later?

I can't. I'm going to be stuffing

these stupid envelopes all night.

But I'll see you at my family's Fourth of July party, right?

Right. Unless I... shove an ice cream scooper

down someone's throat first.

ANNOUNCER: Are drug-crazed rodents raiding your child's medicine cabinet?

( shrieking )

"Rats on Ritalin," next on Sick, Sad World.

Hey, maybe you should get some of that for the little campers.

Ritalin or the rats?

Hello, Daria.

It's nice to see you again.

Um, you, too, Mrs. Sloan.

Hi, Elsie.

Elsie, why don't you show Tom and Daria

the dress Richard made you for the Starry Night Ball?

Oh, I couldn't ruin the surprise.

Daria, is there any way I can change your mind about going?

Then you and I could gang up and convince Tom.

Um...

Sorry, I forgot to tell you.

Mom's on the board of the Lawndale Art Museum.

They're holding a benefit to raise money

for a new wet bar.

A new gallery.

It should be a lot of fun.

Um, sounds like it.

If you like watching ice sculptures melt.

Actually, these things are excruciatingly dull and stuffy

and I told her there's no way we're going.

Well, um, I guess that's right.

You wouldn't want to compromise your quasi-rebelliousness.

I hope Richard left enough room in that dress

for your faux jadedness.

Children! You know, Daria

this event is not "members only."

I'd love to send your parents an invitation

if you think they'd be interested.

Um... thanks.

Are you going to blow off fireworks at the club, too?

Sorry, I forgot.

We can't. I already told--

promised Daria I'd go with her

to her friend's Fourth of July party.

Daria, what can we do to get into your good graces?

Now, I want each one of you to think of the blue lanyard

as representing how you feel on the inside

and the green as how you present yourself on the outside.

Picture...

It's a hundred degrees!

Can't we go for a swim in the lake?

Yeah! Yeah, lake!

Now, Kristin, do we really want to risk

exposure to algae blooms?

Maybe some other time, when it's not quite as warm out.

( kids groaning )

The blue strand represents the gnawing feeling of failure

growing with each wasted year.

The green represents the ulcer you're developing

from the unrelenting indignities you suffer!

Take the blue and cross it under-- I mean over the loop

and then through the frustration...!

( growling )

Lanyards suck!

So continue threading the blue with the green

until you've finished.

Or can't take the tedium anymore.

Hey, Link. Need some help?

Nope. All done.

Hey, Quinn, can I get you a soda?

How about a lemon for your soda?

How about a knife for your lemon?

Um, okay.

Gee, Quinn, I'm surprised you're not at the planetarium

with the Jet Propulsion Club

what with all your tutoring.

Sandi, shh!

I'm trying to keep that a little quiet, remember?

Say no more.

As your friend and fellow Fashion Club officer

I give you my solemn word

that your secret is safe with me.

Thanks, Sandi.

I will never tell a soul

that you, Quinn Morgendorffer

are seeing a tutor.

Quinn, you're seeing a tutor?

Quinn, I'm so sorry.

I didn't see them sneaking up behind you.

Um... yeah. I'm being tutored

because of my P-STAT scores.

That's cool!

Hey, yeah!

Awesome.

Really? You think next year

you could you help me with my homework?

No, me! I'm stupider than he is!

I can barely spell my own name!

No, I'm stupider! Come on!

Gee, I didn't realize being tutored

provides you with an opportunity to help others.

Maybe I should get a tutor.

Yeah. Me, too.

Oh, God. I think I need one, too.

Jodie, what have you been up to this summer?

Soup kitchen, crisis center

Congressman Sack's office, fund-raising, golf lessons.

Isn't she something?

Oh, yes. And Michael, is it?

What are you doing this summer?

Driving an ice cream truck.

Oh.

Hey, there's Daria with that guy who claims

to be her brother.

I'm gonna trap him in his own web of lies.

Oh, Kevin, You're so... spidery!

It's been a lovely evening

but I think I'm ready to go home now.

But first, a word from the village idiots.

Hi, Daria! Hi, Tom!

Hi. Hi.

Say there, um, Tom

if you're Daria's brother

how come we never saw you before this year?

That should be obvious.

They weren't able to match up

our telltale birthmarks until now.

Oh, hey, man, I'm sorry.

I have something to tell you two.

Tom's not my brother.

Aha!

He's the mad scientist who built me.

He has to hang around

in case my internal organs fall out.

Eew!

I'm her date.

( laughing )

Good one, man!

Wait a minute, Kevvy, he's serious!

But how can you be dating Jane and Daria?

Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore.

Oh.

Oh!

Daria!

Um, will you excuse us for awhile?

We'll be back right after man walks on the sun.

Wow! Daria's dating her best friend's boyfriend.

So then, whose brother is he?

Hey, Daria, thanks for coming.

Tom Sloane, right? Jane's boyfriend?

Actually, we're just friends now.

Aw, that's too bad.

You guys were a cute couple.

Any chance for a reconciliation?

Um, Jodie, hell's frozen over and Tom's here with me.

What?! I mean...

it didn't occur to me that, um...

you know... Dad!

You remember Daria Morgendorffer.

And this is Tom Sloane.

Sloane? You're not Angier's boy, are you?

As a matter of fact, yeah.

Great guy.

And how's your lovely mother, Katherine?

You know my mother?

I just had the pleasure.

We're up for membership at Winged Tree

and she's on the board.

Forget politics, that's power.

( laughing )

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

You can't eat in your room forever.

Why go to an artists' colony if you're

not going to mingle with your fellow artists?

That's like saying "Why go to a penal colony

if you're not going to mingle with your fellow..."

I think I'll stop there.

Come on. I know they'll warm up to you

if you give them a chance.

Um, are we, by any chance

conversing across parallel dimensions?

I'll bet you dinner I'm right.

You're on, sucker.

Mind if we join you?

Not at all.

How's everyone liking the colony so far?

I love it!

It's so... freeing.

And Daniel, that man is brilliant!

He said my white-on-white painting was a stroke of inspiration.

I'll bet you two have explored all sorts of strokes together.

( hysterical laughter )

Oh, well, I suppose genius does have its prerogatives.

Well, I don't know if Daniel's a genius...

No offense, Jane, but aren't you still in high school?

How much can you know about art at this point?

Excuse me?

Paris, we all had to submit a portfolio

to be accepted here.

I'd say Jane knows quite a bit about art.

I'm sure you're right. I apologize.

You guys ready to go?

Yeah. See you guys later.

Bye. See you later.

Gee, that was fun, but in the future

let's save time and just roll around on gravel.

Sorry about that. I guess I owe you one.

You owe me dinner.

♪ Brush, brush, brush you teeth ♪

♪ Using good hygiene ♪

♪ Up and down and up and down ♪

♪ And floss until they gleam. ♪

Everybody!

♪ Brush, brush, brush your teeth ♪

♪ Using good hygiene ♪

♪ Up and down and up and down ♪

♪ And floss until they gleam. ♪

Remember, don't think about what you're doing

because I don't really want a painting from you

I want a painting from the child within.

It's so pretty out.

Can't we go for a hike? Please?

Please? We never get to go on a hike!

Please?

Campers, I wouldn't be

a very caring counselor

if I let you run higgledy-piggledy

through the poison ivy and ticks.

One day, there'll be time to explore the woods

after we explore ourselves.

( kids sighing )

Well, well, Josh, what have we here?

A football player!

May I inquire why?

My child within wants to be a winner.

Everyone knows football players are winners.

I see.

Obviously, your definition of a winner

is a degenerate slacker with pigskin for brains

an unshakable desire to sleep through class

and a lifetime goal of excelling at arm-noise contests

while never, ever doing any honest work of any kind!

Is that right?

( whimpering )

Oh, my gosh!

Anthony, what happened?

I, uh...

Timothy, I think I may have

spoken too harshly to a camper.

Oh, no! Was he traumatized?

I'm no good at working with young people!

Why, oh, why did I ever think I could?

( all cheering )

Josh is the worst bully at camp.

I hate his child within.

Hooray for Uncle Anthony!

Hooray for Uncle Anthony!

Oh, thank you, campers.

Okay, let's talk about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

"In 753 BC, Romulus and Remus..."

Um, excuse me.

Is this going to take long?

I still have a few accessories left to buy

for my date tonight.

Well, Rome wasn't built in a day

if you know what I mean.

Good one. Might I suggest, then

that we finish this session at Cashman's?

Sandi, if you're not going to take this seriously...

Are you implying that I can't shop and give you my attention?

Because I don't think

that's the sort of confidence-building

a tutor is supposed to provide his student.

We're not going to the mall.

You academics aren't very understanding

of the pressures facing normal people.

Nevertheless, if we leave now, I'll buy you a snow cone.

Forget it. I quit.

Geek.

( door slams )

"Steinbeck was perhaps best known

for his poignant novel about the Okies..."

Uh... huh...

A heavy metal band famous for having a baboon on bass.

Uh... huh...

Uh, why do you do that?

Because I'm not here to watch you put on makeup.

But I don't mind.

Well, I do.

Now, if you did your reading

you'll recall that Steinbeck was...

What are you doing?

This toaster's really shiny.

Later.

( door closes )

Huh?

"During the Reconstruction

"Southerners complained

"that the newly installed government officials

were nothing more than carpetbaggers."

They were making fun of their butts?!

Wait, that would be "saddlebaggers."

Oh, no.

That's the look my mother always gets

when I say something stupid.

I'm such an idiot!

I'll never get anywhere in life!

At least you're trying

unlike Sandi and Tiffany

whom I had to drop.

Now, "The carpet--

Wait-- you dropped them?

Yep.

Why didn't they tell me?

I'm being shut out.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I knew this was going to happen to me!

Oh, why did I wear that butterfly clip?

( sobbing )

( phone rings )

Congressman Sack's office.

Hey, how's it going?

Terrible.

You want to go to a movie Saturday?

I have to pull a double shift at the crisis center.

You know, I never see you anymore.

I know

but look at it this way:

I'm wasting away the summer, stuck inside all day.

At least you get to drive around in your nice white suit

ringing your little bells.

Hey, you think it's funny that I have to do this?

Who said it was funny?

( phone rings )

I got to get this. I'll talk to you later.

We want ice cream!

Yeah. Later.

( phone ringing )

QUINN: Daria, it's that Tom!

Hello.

Hey, it's me. I was wondering

what you're doing tonight.

Actually, I'm...

not feeling that well.

Still?!

Then can I bring you a bowl of soup?

I'll even throw in a couple of goldfish crackers.

Or real goldfish, if you prefer.

Thanks, but I'm kind of beat.

I think I'll pass.

Daria, is everything all right?

Never better.

I mean, except for this cold.

You know I'm leaving for the Cove in a week, right?

I won't see you for a month.

I know. Um...

A month's not that long.

All right.

Call me if you feel like getting out, okay?

Sure.

MR. O'NEILL: Link, I asked you to stop by

because I've noticed

you seem a little bit subdued.

I was going to say miserable, but okay.

Growing up is kind of like being a kite, isn't it?

We want to fly but we don't really trust ourselves

to cut the parental string and soar with the birds.

A kite doesn't fly if you cut its string.

It blows around in the wind for a while and then crashes.

Exactly. Just the way...

You might know that if you ever took us outside.

Oh, well, I...

What do you know?

'Cause it seems to me you spout out a lot of crap

about loving ourselves

and that doesn't do any good

to someone trying to figure out

why his mother threw his father out

for being a jerk, and then went and married a bigger one.

Well, that certainly sounds like something we can talk about.

I don't want to talk about it.

I want to go to a real camp

where you run around all day doing stuff

until you're too tired to think.

Can we do that, Uncle Timothy?

Well, you see, Link, much as I'd like to

we have to keep the other children's safety in mind.

That's what I thought.

You don't really care about making kids feel better.

Of course I do.

Then I guess the problem is that you suck at it.

It'll be okay.

That was just Link's anger with himself talking.

( sobs )

Um, keep up the good work.

Hey, everything okay?

How can you stand this place?

Um, 'cause I'm one of the guards instead of the prisoners.

Yeah, right.

Look, you want to go for a walk?

Outside? That would be dangerous.

Tell you what, I won't say a word.

It'll be just like going by yourself

except for the "by yourself" part.

God, I envy you, Jane.

To have all that talent and focus at your age.

Oh, come on.

I wish I could be in high school again

knowing what I know now.

A little perspective and you could sidestep all the torture, huh?

No.

( both laughing )

Hell, I'd trade places with you in a minute.

You're doing exactly what I want to--

making it on your own as an artist.

Trying to, anyway.

Hey, you'll do it.

So will you.

A little more?

Why not?

You and your future, me and my so-called career

I guess we've each got something the other would love to have.

Daria, how are things at camp?

Hmm.

Daria.

Well, let's see.

Tomorrow we're going to push the campers

to their physical limits

by having them make paper doll chains.

Ha! A joke, right?

( phone ringing )

That's what I keep telling myself.

Hello.

Yes, this is Helen Morgendorffer.

Kay Sloane?

Oh, yes, hello.

It's very nice to speak with you at last.

I'm sorry we haven't met yet.

Oh, yes, I know.

In fact, that's sort of why I'm calling.

We're having a little benefit

for the Lawndale Art Museum

we're calling the Starry Night Ball.

Do you think you might like to attend?

We could finally meet and do our bit for the arts.

The Starry Night Ball-- what a wonderful idea.

Without the arts

what distinguishes us from animals, right?

Well, let's see.

Animals don't feel the need to suck up to wealthier animals.

Wonderful.

It's on September 8

and tickets are $1,000 per couple.

Or you can buy a table for $5,000.

But please don't feel obligated to do that.

Um, did you say the eighth?

Oh dear, that's the weekend of the office retreat.

Well, I'll check to be sure, but...

Yes, I'm sorry.

It was nice speaking with you, too.

Good-bye.

Phew.

Damn it, Helen, I want to go to the Ball!

Yes, why should your wicked stepsisters have all the fun.

I mean to hobnob with all those rich people.

Clients... money...

Hobnob?

Jake, the tickets are $1,000.

A thousand bucks?!

Insensitive rich bastards!

Don't they know some people have to work for a living?

Relax. I think she bought my excuse.

Thank God. Thank God.

Oh, dear--

I hope they won't think we're cheap now.

Who cares what they think?

What's the matter with you?

It's bad enough the rest of the town

grovels at the Sloanes' feet.

Now I have to put up with it in my own home?

Was I groveling?

Was she joking?

JANE: These pastels are great.

Thanks. I wish the galleries felt the same way.

They're nuts.

I knew you'd get what I'm trying to do.

Top that off?

No, I'd better call it a night.

I get cranky if I don't get my usual 12 hours.

Come on, it's still early.

I'm sure we can find something to do

to amuse ourselves.

Well, that's where

the whole sleeping thing factors in.

( yawns )

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm exhausted.

I can't let you walk home in your condition.

I'm going to have to insist that you lie down.

No, really, I'm fine.

I promise not to kick you out of bed in the morning.

Well, unless you're snoring.

Thanks, but I...

Oh, God.

What's the matter?

I'm not your type?

Um, Alison... I'm straight.

Yeah, right.

I don't think so.

I'm not gay.

( laughing ): Where have I heard that before?

Wait a minute.

Is this your first time with a girl?

Well, no wonder you're nervous.

Alison...

read my lips-- I like guys.

And hanging out with bisexuals in their bedrooms

after they buy you dinner.

Hey, I didn't know you were bi.

And the dinner thing was settling a bet.

Sure, settling a bet.

I'm sorry, baby, but I never hit on straight chicks.

Listen, you've been really nice to me and all

and I really appreciate it

but I'm not interested in women.

You mean you're not ready to admit it.

I got to go.

Eep!

Man, it's hard to see out of this thing.

Kevvy, this is terrible!

That icky pool water is turning my hair green.

Wow. you really do have green hair.

( chanting ): Green hair, green hair...

Kevvy, it's not funny!

Ho, ho, ho, it's the Jolly Green Babe.

Ooh!

Ho, ho, ho, Green Babe.

Ow!

You big jerk!

Ow!

( whistle blowing )

You two mess up one more time and you're fired.

Now, everyone hold the hand of the person next to them

while we all visualize the same word-- "trust."

We've been sitting inside all day.

Can't we go out and play, please?

Now, Curtis, we're listening to our souls.

It's much easier to hear them indoors.

( all sighing )

Uncle Anthony, can't you talk to him?

You're such a great counselor.

Um, Uncle Timothy, perhaps little Curtis has a point.

Maybe frolicking outdoors

would offer a refreshing counterpoint

to sitting in a circle like a quilting bee of shut-ins.

Anthony, please.

You're supposed to be setting an example.

Besides, quilting can be very therapeutic.

( beeping )

Now... Oops, time for my echinacea.

I'll be back in a jiffy.

Now, everyone hold hands and feel the warmth.

( growling )

( screams )

Peanut butter!

Sitting in circles... stupid songs...

arts and crafts... cruel and unusual...

Hell!

I can't take it anymore.

( yells )

I'm going on a hike.

( all shouting )

Let's go!

Come on, even I'll admit that was mildly amusing.

Whatever.

Look, for what it's worth, when I was your age

I... um, had this friend who was kind of like you.

The only people she liked were the ones in books

and she spent most of her time in her room

convinced the world had been quietly taken over

by a race of idiot space aliens.

And then one day you're "friend" grew out of it

and went on to make many more friends

and now her life is one big bowl of cherries.

Okay, bad example.

But maybe things would have been a little easier for my friend

if she hadn't kept everything bottled up inside.

You know, if she'd had someone to talk to.

Or maybe "she" did try talking

and the people just told her to shut up

or paid someone else to deal with her

because they were too busy listening to their souls.

You think that's what's happening to you?

Hey, look around, Daria.

Everybody's so busy being their own best friend--

maybe they should try buddying up to the people

they brought into the damn world

who never asked to be born.

Oh.

So what books does your "friend" like to read, anyway?

Well, let's see.

When she was 12, she was really into George Orwell...

Daria, Link.

Having a little one-on-one session?

Yes, and so, by definition, it can't include...

Daria, I knew you could do it.

See, it's easier to rap with Daria

than with me, isn't it?

A teen who's closer to your own age.

But I'm just as concerned as she is

about your well-being.

I should have known.

Hey, wait.

Oh, did I say something wrong?

Oh my, what happened to the window?

Uh, where'd everybody go?

But when the workers stormed the Bastille

they only found seven prisoners

and one of them was the Marquis De Sade.

Ew.

That's more or less the way they felt.

Did Marie Antoinette have the champagne glasses

molded after her... you know?

We really should be focusing more

on the politics of the Revolution

but that's what they say.

If she had been a different body type

we'd all be drinking champagne out of bowls.

David, I must say, I'm quite impressed.

I've never seen Quinn have so much fun studying.

That's because in school they only teach you

the really boring stuff.

Mom, Dad, did you know

Marie Antoinette never said "let them eat cake"?

That expression comes from a story

about a princess written by Rousseau.

Right? Right.

Lousy tabloids.

We've got to run. Bye.

Wait!

I was joking.

You were not.

Was Marie Antoinette pretty?

They said she was a great beauty.

Of course, you won't find a lot of people

willing to call their absolute monarch butt ugly.

David, do you think... I'm pretty?

Sure.

By the way, have you been to Chez Pierre?

Because it's really nice

if you ever wanted to take me there.

It would be kind of educational

since we're studying French history and stuff.

Thanks.

But you don't want to be seen around town with an egghead.

Your friends would behead you.

Well, that's about it for today.

Now, be sure to read the chapter on the Industrial Revolution

and don't forget your vocabulary words.

I'll be back for more pedagogy next week.

Quinn, pedagogy--

that's one of the words.

Yeah.

Pedagogy.

Excellent.

The brushwork is very confident

and I love the strained, almost antagonistic

relationship with color.

Really, you remind me of myself when I was young.

Oh, Daniel, you're not old.

Well, I'm certainly young at heart.

Not to mention delusional of mind.

Hey.

Hey.

Haven't seen you around.

Oh, you know, the solitary artist.

Look, I got to be honest.

That whole thing that happened between...

I mean, didn't happen--

well, it kind of confused me.

Me, too.

Maybe I was hoping a little too hard

and saw something that wasn't there.

But you said you never make a mistake

in that... uh, area.

There's a first time for everything.

Still want to be friends?

Sure.

Maybe we'll skip the hug.

Uh-oh, don't look now, but it's Toulouse Le Dreck.

Ready? Just a minute.

I'll wait for you in the car.

You're seeing him?

He's not so bad once you get to know him.

You said he went through more students

than tubes of paint.

You can't possible think he gives a damn about you.

Who's looking for romance?

I just want to have a little fun.

And if it's with someone who can introduce you

to a few gallery owners that's not so bad either, eh?

I think I'm beginning to see how the art world works.

God, high school.

It's all such a big deal with you guys.

You take everything so seriously.

Like someone telling you you give off gay vibes

just because they're trying to get into your pants.

Well, campers, before you go, let's take a moment to reflect

on the valuable lessons we've learned about...

Let Uncle Anthony talk.

Um... about ourselves and the growth

that only we can truly...

Uncle Anthony, he's cool.

Um... the personal growth that...

Growth my butt.

Uncle Anthony!

Uncle Anthony! Uncle Anthony! Uncle Anthony!

Thank you, campers.

Remember, if you feel yourself getting mad-- go ahead.

If someone's doing something to irritate you--

tell them about it in detail!

And hike whenever you feel like it!

( cheering )

I...

I guess maybe I've been doing more harm than good.

Thank you, Timothy.

You're reawakened my hunger to enlighten.

I want to teach again.

( groaning )

That hurts a bit.

Hey, slow down.

Go to hell.

Just hear me out.

Mr. O'Neill didn't ask me to speak to you

and I would never tell him anything anyway

except my name, rank and home room number.

Yeah, right.

Look, I'm not good at this kind of thing

probably because I've never done this kind of thing

but if you ever need someone to talk to...

um... I'm around.

I don't need anyone to talk to.

Especially you.

( doorbell ringing )

Tom! Come in.

Daria! Tom's here!

Jake and I are so sorry

we won't be able to make the museum benefit.

Normally, we love museums.

In fact, we were thinking

of seeing the Van Gogh exhibit this week.

Um... That exhibit left a year ago.

Oh. Heh.

Well, at least you can be confident

your mother's not addicted to sedatives.

Hey, she didn't ask

to be invited to that stupid fund-raiser.

My mother was just trying to be nice.

A lot of people like going to those things.

Sure, helping the little people

while avoiding contact with them at all cost.

Um, is something wrong?

No.

Come on. I had to beg you to come out tonight

and then the first thing you do is jump down my throat.

What's going on?

I don't know.

It's the museum and the country club and your family.

You know, your whole elitist world.

It's not elitist, and it's not my world.

Don't tell me.

Tell Aunt Mildred tomorrow

when you get to your private island

and be sure not to mention me to her, okay?

What?

It's obvious you don't want me mixing

with your family

since you didn't ask me to the fund-raiser

or the fireworks display.

Daria, I didn't invite you to those things

because I sure as hell didn't want to go

and I assumed you wouldn't either, right?

Well, you still should have asked. You're right.

Unless you just assumed your parents

were going to hate me.

What? What are you talking about?

My parents think you're great.

They know you're really smart

and headed for college and stuff.

It's not like you're Jane.

What do you mean, not like I'm Jane?

Jane's smart.

Yeah, I know she's smart but she could get a Ph.D.

or spend the rest of her days painting tiles

and her parents wouldn't care either way.

If we did that

our parents would have a fit.

So what you're saying is

Jane isn't up to your family's standards.

God, you're a snob.

Damn it, Daria, quit trying to pick a fight with me.

Excuse me?

You attack my mother

for inviting your parents to the fund-raiser

then attack me for not inviting you.

You say my family disapproves of you.

I say they relate to you better than Jane

and now I'm a snob.

Forgive me for being a loyal friend.

Why don't you say what you're really afraid of?

The idea that you might actually

start caring about someone.

'Cause that would make you vulnerable.

Look, maybe we just jumped into this dating stuff too fast.

Maybe we need to take a break.

A break? From what?

We haven't done anything.

Come on, Daria.

I don't believe this.

Well, I'm not going to stand here and beg.

Fine. Nice knowing you.

Yeah. Nice knowing you.

Gee, Quinn, it's sweet of you

to take time out from your studies

to be with the friends

you've neglected all summer.

Oh, Sandi, I just wish I were as smart as you

so I wouldn't need a tutor.

You know, David's kind of funny.

If by "funny," you mean

"extraordinarily unpleasant"

I agree completely.

That's why I was forced to terminate his services.

What a geek.

I know, and so... geeky.

But he said...

Yes?

Nothing.

I guess David is a little geeky

although I wouldn't be surprised

if some people thought he was cute--

you know, in that brainy kind of way.

Quinn, are you trying to tell us something?

Me? Oh, no.

Of course not.

Ooh, look-- intermediate markdowns.

Of course I did the right thing.

He is from his world, I'm from mine.

Never would have worked.

I mean, unless I tried or something.

Here's your book.

Um... that's not mine.

Oh, right.

I borrowed it from David.

Um... what do you think of him?

Seems like a nice guy

and he obviously has a high threshold for pain.

Why?

No reason.

Do you think he's, uh... cute?

Well, I suppose, in that

not-a-brain-dead-surfer kind of way.

Yeah.

I know you may find this hard to believe

but looks aren't everything.

Really?

See, there's this thing called personality.

There's also liking the same things

having a similar sense of humor

being able to have five-minute conversations

without boring the living hell out of each other.

Like you and Tom.

Did I mention Tom?

Well, who else would you be talking about?

You're obviously very compatible.

How would you know?

Daria, up until recently

dating has been my major field of study.

Well, you've never met his family.

You can't judge someone by their family.

I mean, what if people judged me by... blech!

Got to go.

That's it.

( robotically ): Must contact intelligent life.

Hey. Call.

Hello?

DARIA: Hope you don't mind that I called.

Daria.

How are things going?

Fine, fine, fine.

Couldn't be better.

Sucks, huh?

Only in a mind-numbingly pretentious kind of way.

Do you think, um...

a familiar face might cheer you up?

What do you mean?

Like floating in space over my bed

saying my name over and over again in a creepy voice?

Jane.

Look, I don't really feel

like any visitors right now.

It's nothing personal.

Wait.

I don't want to talk about it, okay?

Nothing you could say can change that.

I'll pay you.

Trent was going to drop by on his way to a gig.

Maybe you can hitch a ride.

They can always use an extra person to push.

Now, this is called mouth-to-mouth regurgitation.

Ready, babe?

Ready.

Did you see how I pinched Britt's nose

to, like, keep the air from getting out?

I could just stick my fingers up there

but who knows what...?

Oh, Kevvy!

Mmm.

( whistle blowing )

Peep show's over.

Everyone scram.

Hey, Romeo and Juliet.

( whistle blowing ) Ow!

You're fired.

Here you go.

It's about time.

I want a fudgy pop.

Hey, I was here first.

Shut up, you jerk.

This is dripping.

What are you doing here?

Oh, Mack, something terrible happened.

It's okay. The sun isn't really gone.

It's just hiding behind the clouds.

No! We got fired.

Trent

does it ever bother you that the speedometer

is stuck at ten miles per hour?

Hmm. Ten. That reminds me.

Time for dinner.

Just for the record--

the police generally don't like it

when you drive on the wrong side of the road.

Tell me about it.

No, thanks.

Um, how's Jane been doing?

Oh. Okay.

I haven't talked to her much this summer.

Well, you know. The Tom thing.

Look, we...

Hey, Janie knows you guys didn't mean to hurt her.

She'll come around. Trust me.

Yeah. Thanks, Trent.

♪ Betrayal, yeah, a stab in the back ♪

♪ Betrayal, yeah, I'm stretched on the rack ♪

♪ Betrayal, yeah, thrown out of the... ♪

♪ Thrown out of the... ♪

Pack.

♪ Thrown out of the pack ♪

♪ Betrayal... betrayal... yeah ♪

♪ Betrayal... betrayal... ♪

♪ Betrayal, yeah... ♪

And that's how Randolph Hearst's

yellow journalism helped get the U.S.

into the American- Spanish War.

Close enou...

The Spanish-American War.

You know, I had my doubts at first--

serious doubts-- but you've come a long way, Quinn.

You should be very proud of yourself.

Thanks.

Um... are you proud of me?

Of course, and I want you to drop me a line at school

and let me know how you're doing in class.

David.

Yes?

Um...

I like you.

I like you, too.

No, I mean I "like" like you.

Oh, look.

I mean, I never thought

I could really "like" like someone

who wasn't, you know, really cute.

Not that you're uncute

but you know what I mean.

You don't try to be cute.

Not that I would ever try to make you try to be cute.

Right.

Well, we can probably get in

at least two dates before you go off to college.

Look, Quinn, it's very flattering

and you're a really nice kid, but you're not my type.

But I already told you

I don't care what you look like.

Quinn, look, when I go out

it has to be with someone who has...

How can I put this?

A certain amount of... depth.

But I know stuff now.

Yes...

but why did you want to know stuff?

So you'd be able to get into a party school.

Talk about a lack of self-esteem.

I have tons of self-esteem.

I esteem myself more than anybody.

When it comes to appearance

but not in any areas that count.

Look at the losers you hang out with.

No chance of feeling stupid around them.

Losers?

But the whole reason I even thought of getting tutored

was I knew I could do better on the P-STATS than them.

Than they, and I'm glad to hear that.

It means you're starting to understand your potential.

So...?

Quinn...

you and I are in two different places

way too far apart to go out.

You'd hate it, believe me

but it's a real big compliment.

Keep studying and good luck.

Yeah.

Good luck.

TRENT: ♪ Betrayal, yeah, you ruined my life ♪

♪ Betrayal, yeah, you're twisting the knife ♪

Trent. Huh?

That's not helping.

Oh. Sorry. Um, you know how it is.

Inspiration.

We'd better not disturb them.

You got to wake Jesse up just right

or he gets all disoriented.

How can you tell?

( laughing, coughing )

You're funny, Daria.

Anyway, don't go crazy over this Tom stuff.

Even Janie said you make a good couple.

You mean "made."

We're not going out anymore.

Really? Why?

A lot of stuff.

Mainly, I got wierded out by his family.

But you weren't dating them.

Some day the curators will look back on these

and say they're from my "Art Colonies Suck" period.

Curators?

Criminologists?

You know, when it comes to art

you and Link have a lot in common.

I'd introduce you

if he didn't loathe every fiber of my being.

The Link situation really bothers you, huh?

Serves me right for breaking

my cardinal rule and trying

to reach out to a lost soul.

Any kid who looks to you for nurturing

is more than just lost.

Gee, thanks.

Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.

This soup bites.

Then don't have a fourth bowl.

Mack! I'm going to take five.

These are for you.

Aw, that's sweet.

I've missed you so much.

Wow. I got to buy you flowers more often.

Anyway, I got them to celebrate.

I quit my job yesterday.

Oh, Mack. Summer's not even over

and it was such a piece of cake.

Piece of cake?

Working in a dirty, cramped truck all day

for minimum wage?

What would you know about it

with your glamour jobs and your golf lessons?

What's the matter with you?

I'm on your side, remember?

I'm sorry. It's just...

Wearing that white suit

serving those little brats.

I felt like some kind

of house slave in Gone With the Wind.

It's just not how I thought

the summer would go.

Hey, you're no house slave.

You owed your father some money.

You were doing the stand-up thing

in trying to pay him back.

No big deal.

You'll find another way.

I paid him back a week ago.

Oh. So, how come you didn't quit then?

I wanted to make a little more money

so I could take you out for dinner at Chez Pierre.

Oh, Mack, that place is so expensive.

I can afford it, for once.

I don't need Chez Pierre

when I have a guy like you.

Wait a minute.

Who's driving the truck?

That'll be $1.60.

Babe, how much change do I give back?

Um, let's see...

$1.60 minus five is $4.40.

But I gave you a five.

Right. $5.40.

I'll have a snow cone and a Popsicle.

Let's see, that's a ten, so I owe you...

$12.20.

Right.

I want an ice cream! My turn!

I said I want an ice cream!

Come on!

The guys here are a lot better-looking in person

than on their wanted posters.

Now I understand why people go to the bathroom in groups.

Don't worry.

I promise not to meet a new boyfriend

and leave you alone between sets.

I've learned my lesson.

Okay.

Speaking of Tom, I guess you heard we broke up.

I don't read the papers, remember?

I thought Trent might have said something.

Nope.

Questions? Comments?

Please tell me you're not trying to get my sympathy

after blowing me off for my now ex-boyfriend.

You mean he blew you off for me

although if you recall, that's not the way it happened.

No, I meant you blew me off for him.

You wanted to go out with him

regardless of what it did to our friendship.

Hey, you stopped talking to me, remember?

After you broke up with him

and said you didn't care if I dated him.

And you believed me?

I'm confused.

What are we fighting about here?

We're fighting about you, Daria Morgendorffer

being dumb enough to think a boyfriend

is worth screwing up a really good friendship for.

A really important friendship.

I'm sorry if I did that.

Um, I really missed you this summer.

Well, I really missed you, too

only don't ask me to sleep over.

Huh?

Nothing. Oh, hey, Trent.

I meant to tell you.

You guys have a gig tonight.

You better start soon, or you'll miss your next break.

Unless you take your next break now.

In which case you better take it on stage.

They'll never think of looking for you there.

And while you're up there, maybe you could play something.

Oh, wait, that's what they're paying you for, never mind.

You guys are weird.

So what'd you miss most about me?

It was my joie de vivre, wasn't it?

If you really want to know, it was your damn aura.

Wow, you did spend the summer with Mr. O'Neill.

I mean your aura of confidence.

I drifted through summer in a perpetual identity crisis

questioning everything I said and did.

That's funny, 'cause I...

And I kept thinking about you up here doing your paintings

making your jokes, being Jane Lane.

Being Jane Lane's what I do best.

Precisely.

You know exactly who you are

and nobody's ever going to con you into thinking you don't.

I wish I'd had you around just as a role model.

You know, you're absolutely right about me.

Gee, shall I attempt further heights of ego inflation?

Please do.

Hey, we're Mystik Spiral

and this one's for Daria and Jane.

I hope it's not "You Are So Beautiful."

Oh, please, make it "Close to You."

♪ When the aliens come ♪

♪ When the death rays hum ♪

♪ When the bummers bum ♪

♪ We'll still be freakin' friends ♪

♪ When the whip comes down ♪

♪ When they nuke the town ♪

♪ When dead clowns can't clown ♪

♪ We'll still be freakin' friends ♪

♪ Freakin' friends, freakin' friends ♪

♪ Till we come to bad ends we're freakin' friends ♪

♪ Freakin' friends, freakin' friends ♪

♪ Till we come to bad ends we're freakin' friends ♪

♪ Freakin' friends, freakin' friends... ♪

I just couldn't get past all that upper-crustiness.

I felt like the poor cousin in a Henry James novel.

You know, someone to be tolerated

until she gets run over by a horse and buggy.

Yeah, the Sloanes definitely come from the land of the Muffys

but it's not like they're jerks or anything.

I just ignored the money and concentrated

on the incredibly well-stocked refrigerator.

Yeah. Look, why don't you just come back with us?

I don't know.

Some kind of dumb-ass notion

about seeing this through, I guess.

Anyway, it's just another two weeks

and then we'll be back at school.

Wait, what's my point?

That life sucks no matter what

so don't be fooled by location changes.

You really should write fortune cookies.

Call me when you get back.

All right, freakin' friend.

Um, I don't believe I'm about to say this

but you should give Tom another shot.

He's not a bad guy, and you could use the recreation.

Um, what about the whole

"You stabbed me in the back how could you" thing?

I think I actually am over that

as opposed to when I said I was over it

but was really still under it.

Yeah, right.

Seriously, give it some thought on the way back.

I don't think so.

Or converse with the band.

The choice is yours.

No, those sandals don't make your toes look fat.

So David was right.

I am superficial.

At least you know your strengths.

He really called you that?

He said he only dates girls with depth.

How'd it even come up?

Oh, boy, you asked him out?

( sobbing )

Quinn, you're, um, not as superficial as you act.

I'm sure you just feel obliged to stress

the moronic aspects of your personality

so you'll fit in better with the fashion drones

like a mask you wear

'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you.

You mean, sort of the way you keep people away

by being really unfriendly and stuff?

Hey, we're talking about you here.

You really like that guy, huh?

Well, he certainly wasn't what we intellectuals call

a totally buff hottie, so if you saw past his looks

you can't be completely shallow.

Thanks, Daria.

Damn it, I even told him I liked him.

I never do that.

Quinn, sometimes you reach out to someone

and all you get back is a slap in the face.

Then why even bother?

I guess because, um...

You got to give people a chance.

Otherwise, there's no point

to the whole "being human" routine.

Why? David didn't give me a chance.

Sure he did.

Wasn't he going to quit

before you begged him not to?

Yeah, so?

So you learned a whole bunch of stuff

and found out you don't have to be a dummy if you don't want to

because he gave you a chance.

Quinn, I...

Okay, thanks for lending this to me.

"A Journal of the Plague Year."

Sounds fun!

"Give people a chance."

Sounds like good advice.

That crap?

Oh, Daria.

Here, this came for you.

And I guess I'll go see how Quinn is doing.

Ugh, this heat is making my lip gloss all runny.

Tell me about it.

It's so hot we can't even wear our new fall clothes.

They should really start school in November.

I know.

MS. LI: ( over intercom ) Welcome back, students

and remember, the school nurse is in

and ready to take your voluntary urine sample.

Show your Lawndale High spirit with the gift of urine.

ALL: Ewww!

All right, which of you promising young people

would like to share your definition of Manifest Destiny?

Ms. Morgendorffer, did you want something?

Manifest Destiny was a phrase politicians used

to say that God wanted the U.S. to keep expanding west

all the way to the Pacific Ocean

because why bother owning the country

if Hollywood wasn't included?

Quinn, that's very good!

Thank you for making my day rewarding.

( quiet talking )

Gee, Quinn

I hope that little foray of yours into geekland just now

is the result of heat exhaustion

and not an unpleasant side effect of all that tutoring.

I mean, you're not turning into a brain, are you?

Sandi, just because someone can answer a simple question

doesn't mean they're a pedagogue.

So, I guess I got through to Link after all

and all it cost me was a generous period of self-doubt

followed by a bracing stint of self-hatred.

See, not every human is a manipulative, opportunistic lech.

Or at least that's what I'm told.

You didn't make any friends at that art colony, did you?

No. Well, except this one girl--

until she got fresh.

You're not kidding.

As much as I'd like to gain

your sour perspective on the whole sordid incident

it's going to have to wait.

I think someone's looking for you.

Whoa.

Nice car. Where's Jeeves?

I killed him for his uniform.

How are you doing?

I'm okay.

She's pretty okay, too.

Yeah, I know that.

Hey, Daria. Hey.

You want to go for a ride?

Actually, we were just...

Saying good-bye.

I'll call you later.

DARIA: Thanks for the lift.

Um, I guess I should be going.

Just hear me out, okay?

Sure.

There's nothing I can do about

the club, my family-- the whole thing--

and yes, I can see where all of that

could make you uncomfortable.

Thank you.

But would you also agree that maybe I was right

when I said this dating stuff is new to you

and you're afraid of getting hurt

and maybe you were looking for an out

before you got too pulled in?

Daria?

Maybe some of that's true.

Well, here's the deal.

I want to start seeing you again.

We can take it slow

but you've got to at least try to trust me.

I really like you, Daria

but I don't want to waste any more time

if you're not going to give it a chance.

Please?

( mumbling )

Daria.

I want to try again, too.

Don't say any more.

I hate it when you get all mushy.

Yeah, I don't like it, either.

Okay, then, I'm glad.

See you.

Oh, Jakey, do you realize

what a momentous summer our girls have had?

Quinn learned she's smarter than she thought

and Daria has her first boyfriend.

It's summer already?

Jake.

You made a joke, didn't you?

Yep!

Old Jake was joking!

I like a man with a sense of humor.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I don't know.

Well, you're about to find out!

No!

( laughter )

[Captioning sponsored by MTV TELEVISION NETWORKS

Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]