All language subtitles for top.gear.s12e05.ws.pdtv.xvid-river

Tonight, The Stig climbs into a
bucket of hot wallpaper paste.

Richard sorts out public transport
and James gets beaten up by a boat.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, and we start...we
start with something strange.

Cos you see, last year, you couldn't
buy a BMW unless you were a cock.

LAUGHTER
But then all of a sudden,

people with huge watches and
stupid Oakley sunglasses, people who

tailgate you on motorways, suddenly
started to buy Audis instead.

No idea why, don't really care
because, what this means

is normal people with normal watches
can buy for the first time ever,

what, if we're honest, has
always been

the best sports saloon of them all,
the M3.

Some people are saying
this new model

is too soft and too squidgy,
but I'm not one of them.

The fact is that last year we
showed the two-door coupe version

was way faster round the track than
its rivals from Audi and Mercedes.

And now, your children can have
their spleens crushed as well,

because this is the new
four-door version.

It has the same equipment
as the coupe we tested,

has the same butch front-end and
despite the extra weight,

the performance is almost
identical as well.

Of course, with the two extra doors
and a bigger boot, incidentally,

you would expect the saloon to
be more expensive than the coupe.

And it isn't, actually.

This is 49,000, so
it is £1,400 less.

This, then, is a brilliant car.

The obvious choice for the
family man who has a light...

but wants to keep it
under his bushel.

Or is it?

Because now, there's
a new kid on the block.

This - the Lexus IS F.

Now, driving a Lexus has always
been like sitting in a bucket

of warm wallpaper paste
reading a Jane Austen novel.

But with this one, they claim
they've built an M3-killer.

TYRES SQUEALING

It's certainly very high-tech.

For instance, it has a support
vehicle integrated management
system -

whatever that is -
and airbags for your knees.

What's more, full lock-up
control is used in second gear

without the tongue converter.

Hmm, Jane Austen could only dream
about such things!

Happily, however, most of this
Japanesey PlayStation stuff

is buried under a wall
of brute force and noise.

ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SQUEAL

It has a massive 5-litre V8 engine.

Which produces about the
same amount of power as the M3,

but more torques.

It is, however,
100 kilograms heavier.

So let's see how the two of them
get on in a drag race.

ENGINES REV

TYRES SQUEAL

Wow!

I am ahead.

Oh, he's coming back.

Come on!

Eventually the heavy
Lexus would win.

Because while the BMW
is limited to 155 mph,

the IS F will keep going all
the way to 168.

It is a quick car, but what happens
when you show it some corners?

TYRES SQUEAL

Wow!

Well, as you can see,
I'm now behind the M3

which is being driven by
touring-car racer, Tom Chilton.

So, let's see if he
can get away from me.

TYRES SCREECH

This is so completely out of
character for a Lexus.

It's like Mr Darcy
coming out of the lake

and machine-gunning a
fluffy kitten for fun.

Oh, he's hard on those brakes.

These brakes are good too,
to be honest.

Understeer just kills everything
and then the weight coming out -

you see, he's already got
100 yards on me.

That BMW must be exciting,
look what it's done to his hair!

TYRES SQUEAL

I can keep up but I have to work
so much harder

because this is just not quite
as composed as the Bimmer.

So what about price?

Well, the Lexus is £1,000 more
than the BMW,

but it comes with
more stuff as standard,

so it is slightly better value.

The Lexus also has slightly more
space, a slightly bigger boot

and a dashboard from the
pages of science fiction.

On paper then and on the track,

this really does seem like it could
be an alternative to the BMW.

But it isn't.

Firstly, it has eight gears,

and that's too many because it's
always changing its mind.

HE IMITATES GEARS CHANGING
UP AND DOWN

Then there's the styling.

The normal IS is a fine
and handsome thing,

but with all its puffed up
bits and pieces,

this is a bit of a mess and
those tail pipes are fakes.

There's more. This may have more
torques than the BMW

but they're all at

And that's like putting them on
the top shelf in the kitchen,

you can never really reach them,
they're never there.

The worst thing about the Lexus,
though, is the way it rides.

The BMW manages to be sharp
AND comfortable, this doesn't.

It's hard, really hard.

When you're driving normally,

a sports saloon should soothe your
brow, not attack it with scissors.

To sum up then, the Lexus does
a lot of things brilliantly,

but the BMW, that does
everything brilliantly.

In the past you had to be
a cock to buy one,

now though, you're
a cock if you don't.

APPLAUSE

INAUDIBLE

Let me make sure I've
got this absolutely right.

Cocks are now driving Audis?

Yes, I had one right up
my chuff this morning on...

LAUGHTER

What?

..on the A3 on the way
down, it was this close.

What do you have to be
to drive a Lexus? A dork.

So, to drive an AMG Mercedes you'd
have to be an arse, a big arse?

A big, tall, actually
slightly fat arse?

LAUGHTER
You're being Captain Horrid.

Yes I am. We haven't time to explore
this new trait of your personality

because it is time now to put
the IS F round our track

which of course means handing it
over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that one of his
eyes is a testie...

LAUGHTER

..and that he was turned
down for I'm A Celebrity

because people have heard of him.
LAUGHTER

All we know is,
he's called The Stig.

And away he goes...
TYRES SCREECH

..in a biblical pool of smoke

and strangely that was from
the exhaust, not the tyres.

Even The Stig can't access that top-
shelf torque straight off the line,

but he can torture the tyres,
by the sounds of it.

MORSE CODE BLEEPS

Stig, he's still listening to Morse,

no idea what it's saying, but
I'm sure the internet will tell us.

Heaved it round Chicago,
now coming up to Hammerhead...

Squirming under braking, that gives
away the sheer weight of this thing,

perhaps because of that
5-litre V8 up front.

Now, that's tyre smoke!

I suspect this car could do with

a proper limited slip diff -
an electronic one.

MORSE CODE BLEEPS

Labouring his way up
all eight gears...

through the Follow-through, that's
looking fast through the tyres.

Two corners left, all the way down
the box again, getting sideways.

This really isn't as easy
as the M3 to drive quickly.

Now, Gambon, still looking
frisky and across the line.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Not a bad time.
Not a bad time.

Ready... It did it in 1:26.9,

so that's pretty quick.

Look at that, about the same
as a Lotus Exige.

The thing is though, earlier on
we put the BMW round.

It did it in 1:25.3, look at that!

It's the same as a
convertible Lamborghini Gallardo.

So, really we have a
Top Gear top tip.

Um, if you are an employer and you
take someone on who has a Lexus,

he'll be late for work

and he'll be a dork
when he gets there!

LAUGHTER

Unless you employ somebody
with an AMG Mercedes,

in which case they'll arrive
in a cloud of smoke

and then they'll be an
arse when they get there.

Speaking of which...
LAUGHTER

Nothing... It just came up in
conversation.

Are you wearing that for a bet? No.

No? No.

LAUGHTER

Right, shall we do the news?
Yes, we'll ignore that.

Let's kick off with this Infinity,

a new brand to the UK and it is
to Nissan what Lexus is to Toyota,

a kind of posh version of it.

They are coming over with

This is a V6 engine,
3.7-litre convertible.

All I want to know about this car

is why have they styled it to
look like the Lexus SC 430? Look!

That is undoubtedly the most
vile and hideous car ever made,

why make it look like that?

It is vile but it's
completely academic

because you never see one of
those in the real world.

You do, go to Cheshire,
they're everywhere! Are they?!

They're always being driven
by those women that have faces

actually made from leather.

LAUGHTER

Whenever I see them,
those women driving nice cars,

I really do want to stop them and
just ask, I want to beg, "Why?!

"Why did you buy that," because
it's an expensive car.

It's like getting every
travel brochure,

choosing your summer holidays next
year, 180 countries you could go to

and saying, "Yes, Germany." Yes!
LAUGHTER

"Not Mauritius, not Mauritius,
Dortmund is where I want to go."

It's that bonkers a choice,
it's that terrible a car.

The thing is about the Infinity...
Can we see the Infinity again?

That is actually just a Nissan
with a posh name.

It's like people who buy
a normal house

in the middle of a road, number 22,
but then give it a name.

No, a friend of mine did that.

He lived in the Midlands,
I think it was Lichfield.

It was 22 Acacia Avenue or whatever
it was and he called it "Sea View".

LAUGHTER
That's quite good!

Hey, hey, you know Porsche
is always saying

they don't ever really
restyle the 911

because they want to maintain
that sense of purity and tradition?

Yes. I don't think that's true. I
think they don't restyle it properly

because they can't, they have no
idea at Porsche how to restyle cars.

If you think about it, the 4-wheel
drive, the Cayenne, isn't it?

The Cayenne looks like a 911 that's
been reversed into a shed, yes?

And now, they're doing a
four-door of a car, OK,

which is called the Panamera, which
sounds like a hat, OK. Look at this.

It's just woeful. It is.
JAMES COUGHS

All right? Excuse me, no,
I'm going to die now.

Is it this, has this
made you feel sick?

It's exactly what it is,

I looked at that and it nearly
killed me, it's so awful.

Can I make an observation
about this car? What?

That is an Austin Maxi.

Do you remember the Maxi? Have we
got a picture of the Austin Maxi?

Look... It is!
LAUGHTER

It is! That is an Austin Maxi.

A Porsche Maxi.

The only difference is, of course,

that the Porsche Austin Maxi
is going to be nearly £90,000.

What gets me is who's
going to say of this,

"No, I don't want the
Maserati Quattroporte"?

Or you know that four-door
Lamborghini we had in last week?

Who's going to say,
"No, I want this instead"?

That's like being offered the
choice of marrying two women,

one of them unkind and ugly and the
other beautiful with a heart of gold

and saying, "No, I want
the brutal minger."

LAUGHTER
That's is the brutal minger!

JAMES COUGHS

Excuse me. Are you a nurse?

I am. Could you come and kill him?

LAUGHTER

Have you got anything
in your bag which is like lethal?

Seriously.

I've got a syringe and some water.

A syringe and water?

Come on, I've got worse.

All she needs is a syringe and some
water to kill someone -

is she a nurse or a ninja?
LAUGHTER

Anyway, I want that to go away.
I don't want to see that car

ever again as long as I live.

And I never will, because
nobody's going to buy one.

What are we going to talk about now?
I'm going to talk about this.

I went on the internet this week...
Oh, God.

I thought you'd stopped doing that.
No, no, no.

Here's the clip that I found.

A man in a Range Rover,
and pause it there.

Now, James, what do you
suppose happens next?

Well, as I see it, he's
going to crash into the post.

Post? No, he'll skid into
the wheelie bin there.

The wheelie bin, OK. Play the rest
of the tape, let's see who's right.

Oh!
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's just unreal.
I bet that made him jump.

He's standing there going,

"How the hell did that happen?"
"The world's gone wobbly,

"I've driven through it!"

If you look, there is no
way of telling, is there?

I'd do that now, having just seen
him do it. I'd still drive in.

I'd park on this one -
I bet it's the same thing.

OK, listen. I was driving a
Volvo XC60 this week, the new one.

The front of it is all full of
radars and sensors,

cos the idea is you
can't actually crash it.

Don't ask me how. Anyhow,
I was thinking,

there must be a simpler
solution to not crashing.

And I think I have come up with it.
Oh, God.

For once, bear with me on this, OK?

Just imagine if you had on
the front of your car a magnet,

everybody has one, with the
north pole facing out, OK?

You'd come along,
head-on accident...

LAUGHTER

You could never have a
head-on crash.

This is one of these windy-up cars,
so I won't even cheat. Ready?

See?
LAUGHTER

You see?
APPLAUSE

Have I just solved road safety?
Apart from the big cliff.

you're right about that.

Listen... Backing
from Captain Maths!

No, but the only slight drawback is
on full-size cars you would need

extremely, I mean EXTREMELY
large magnets.

Yes, we'd get
extremely large magnets.

You haven't thought this through.
At some point there'll be...

Here's a car parked
at the traffic lights,

and you'll come up behind
to the other end of his magnet,

and that's his north pole,
and you're gonna have a crash.

Because...
No, that's his south pole.

Yes, south to north,
bang, you're going to have a crash.

Utterly, utterly hopeless.

We'll all be killed.
These are small details, OK?

LAUGHTER
Think of the fuel-saving.

Seriously... ..What? ...A puncture.

Why wouldn't I get a puncture?
INDISTINCT

Ah-ha!

The man here doesn't look bright...

LAUGHTER

He's just pointed out, you could be
driving along, every screw and nail,

doonk, doonk, you'd
never get a puncture.

Along with the manhole
covers and signposts!

And the railings.
And traffic lights.

And dogs with metal collars on.
And skips. You are just nit-picking.

I will admit there are one or
two things I need to address.

What, like the laws of
physics, for example?

Yes. But I will find a way
around them, don't you worry.

OK, you know Boris Johnson,
Mayor of London?

When he was voted in he said he
was going to review what sort of

buses we used in the capital
city of the United Kingdom.

As Jeremy pointed out last series,

Boris has been rather
faffing about on this one.

So we figured it was about time
for some Top Gear help.

Whether he wanted it or not.

To find out what sort of bus
is best for a busy city,

obviously you should form some
committees and a focus group,

and then do some intensive
studies into running costs,

safety, passenger usage
and environmental impact.

But all of that takes time.

So instead we're going to sort this

using the ultimate crucible
of excellence, motor sport.

For anything on four wheels, this
is the white heat of the anvil

of the spearhead of evolution.

If you want to improve the breed,
you go motorsport.

Second is the first of the losers.

You have to win to win, etc etc.

Our testing ground is here,
Lydden Hill circuit in Kent.

A place often described as
the Monza of southern England.

By people who've
never been to Monza.

It's normally a rallycross circuit,
so it is a challenging mix

of hairpins and fast sweepers,
tarmac and loose gravel.

Much like central London, in fact.

So, let's meet the candidates
for the next London bus.

Representing the double decker,
a 1987 Leyland Olympian.

Representing the single decker,
we have a 1993 Dennis Dart.

Then, on behalf of the
current London champion,

we have the Mercedes 0305G.

This of course is a bendy bus,

and that means it'll probably spend
the day causing crashes

and bursting into flames
for no obvious reason.

Which is why we've got two of them.

Finally, representing
the compact hopper bus,

we have a 1997 MetroRider.

Now, because there is so much
at stake here,

we can't leave the driving
to any old bus driver.

So we brought in our old friends,
the touring car drivers.

Their precise and delicate touch

certainly got motorhome racing
off to a great start last year.

So, please welcome touring car
legend, Anthony Reid.

Touring car legend, Matt Neal.

And, for the second time tonight,
hairdressing legend, Tom Chilton.

To be honest, they're not that good
on passenger usage per mile,

but if you want to sort out
the other important bus stuff -

understeer, lift off,
oversteer, then these are your men.

Each driver went for their
preferred mount,

leaving me with
the blue and yellow bendy bus.

Last time this got together
with the motor homes, to be honest,

it all degenerated
into a bit of a demolition derby.

But this time, because we
carrying out important research,

they have promised me
absolutely no contact. Yep...

BUZZER SOUNDS

This is it. We are off.
Let the investigations begin.

Interestingly, both bendy buses,
57 feet in length,

but his is mid-engined,
mine is rear.

So a good race should
sort out whose is best.

'True to their word, the touring car
racers avoided body contact...

'..for at least half a lap.'

This is their sensitive touch?!
That cost me a mirror.

Thinking about it, we have missed
one thing out on this test.

Cyclists.

We should have had bicycles
on the circuit,

perhaps being peddled
by bus drivers.

'After two or three laps,

'I realised that finding
the best bus

'would be harder than I thought...

'Because all of them had
their good and bad points.'

The double-decker, aluminium body,
air suspension,

it should
have potential here on the track.

But it is compromised in other ways.

No low floor means poor
disabled access.

Wow, look at the single-decker go!
What a manoeuvre!

I don't believe it!

That was majestic.

Mind you, he's only licensed
to carry 24 seated,

And that is where the bendy boss
comes in. Licensed to carry 98.

And the seating is pretty flexible.

'So, with all the buses
putting forward a good case,

'if we were to find a winner,
we'd have to turn up the wick.'

A common, everyday scene
from London streets.

This is important work.

'First to suffer was the little
hopper,

'which didn't do too well in the
"I'm a bus driver, when I pull out,

'"I never use my bloody mirrors"
manoeuvre.'

Aww, that's an evil move being
pulled on the diddy hopper there.

'Thankfully, nobody would
dare mount such an attack

'on a bus as big as mine.'

Where did he come from,
you bloody idiot?!

'I was limping and frankly,
the other bendy

'was scoring low
on passenger comfort.'

'The final lap.'

Oh, my word.
Double-decker coming through.

'The last few corners
were a straight dual

'between the single-decker
and the double-decker.

But then...'

Ignore that bit.

Just tell the mayor that that was
a crash test or something.

'Our investigation was complete.'

We have been thorough,
comprehensive.

I've just driven over that man's
bonnet,

but we can announce
a decision is made.

'The best bus for London
and any other city

'is the good old single-decker,
because it's quick.'

I think what we should do now is
collate all those findings

and get them straight
to the mayor's office.

Yeah. Well done, everyone.

Well done, you. Nobody could
accuse us of dumbing down!

No, that was serious work.

Just highbrow research
from start to finish.

I honestly thought that was
like watching Melvyn Bragg

presenting the Open University.

No, I think we covered all the
bases there. It was thorough.

Now, we have to move on.

You see, this week,

my guest is quite simply
that bloke off Grand Designs.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin McCloud.

I've waited a long time.

Have a seat. Thank you. Nice suit!
That one!

Ladies and gentlemen, a genuine
car fan has come among us today.

Yeah, it's a guilty secret I have,
but it's true.

It's a bit annoying cos I'm going
to want to spend most of the time

talking about interior design,
you'll want to talk about cars.

I don't know much about interior
design, so let's talk about cars.

Looking through all the notes
and your past interests and so on,

do you have a passionate
interest in V8s?

Yes, my father was an engineer.
I'm looking at one now.

You are, I was going to say, is this
coffee table turning you on?

The Porsche.
I'm stroking it with my toe.

Looking at past cars you've had...
Yes.

..the SL Mercedes, V8,
Maserati Coupe, V8,

Ferrari 355, V8, TVR Cerbera, V8...

Now, look, the V8 thing.
Food blender.

Oh, my V8 food blender? Yeah, yeah.

Which was frankly
an out-and-out failure!

LAUGHTER

The blades need a bit of work,

but it's already being converted
as we speak into a vacuum cleaner.

LAUGHTER

I think what you should do
is combine the two great male

obsessions and get a V8
to power a power shower.

Power shower? No, male obsession
is internet pornography, surely?

I don't know how you can have a
V8-powered internet porn connection.

Maybe you could.

Maybe that would deliver everything
that anybody's ever dreamed of.

So where does this love of
how things work come from?

My father was an engineer,
a rocket scientist.

And so, I... What, a real one?

A real one. Really? He designed
stuff that went into space.

I grew up with a house where
the boiler was always in pieces,

there was always a car in
the middle of the kitchen in bits.

I have serviced most of my own cars.

I've done lots of bioethanol
petrol mixes,

experimented with fuels on them.

But I'm interested in this idea
that you can service your own cars.

Of course you did have a TVR? Yeah.

The point about the Cerbera was
that it was a kit car in reverse,

in as much as you bought a new shiny
object and you parked it at home

and slowly it, sort of,
disassembled itself!

LAUGHTER
The gear lever would come off.

It did drive me up a slope once
with the headlamps and the washer

and the windscreen wipers and the
horn all working at the same time...

It drove itself! With none of them
actually turned on?

No, it turned them all on by itself.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever had a Saab?

I have had two Saabs.

I had a Saab, a big estate Saab
that ran on bioethanol.

And years and years ago

my second car was a big orange,
jelly mould Saab, the 95.

Oh yes. You must have done.
You can't be a designer without that

A quarter-inch plate,
that car, it's fantastic.

You could crash into anything,

and you'd leave a Saab-shaped
impression in it!

Did you ever try? Yes!
I had it in my 20s, in London.

I'd sit and read the paper
in the car on a hill

and suddenly find myself
glued to a Cortina.

LAUGHTER

They're not architects' cars.

You're a designer
but same sort of thing.

You are interested in
the aesthetics? Of course.

I'm interested in efficiency,
in design,

I'm interested in aesthetics,
in ecology.

I've gone green now...
And don't smirk!

I was gonna say... My one ambition
today was to come here

and use the word eco on Top Gear!

Let's listen. Say it again. Eco.

CROWD BOOS

There was a ripple of applause
from the corner!

Eco! You call it the green bug.
We think of it as a disease.

LAUGHTER

I tell you what really
excites me, is the idea that...

Actually, when we use the word, eco,

it is useless calling cars
eco cars or houses eco houses.

The reason I love Aston Martins
is that the Aston is beautiful.

They are beautifully put together.
They're beautifully made.

98% of them ever made are still
on the road

and how sustainable can you get?

It's the business of having
an Aston Martin

and keeping it in the garage
and it lasts 50 years,

and you only drive it
a 1,000 miles a year...

A Toyota Prius with nickel batteries
is going to do more damage,

if you believe that cars are
damaging the environment.

Which I do. Which you do.

And you are entitled to come here
with this opinion,

and not be killed in any way!
LAUGHTER

I'm just going to figure out my
exit route from the studio now.

Exactly! Now, I want to get on to
your lap, if I may. Ah, yes, yeah.

How was it? It was addictive.

I mean, I've never done it before,
and I'm going to do it again lots.

Really? You enjoyed it? I loved it.

I never thought you'd get
so much pleasure out of

a little one point...
Whatever it is.

Who'd like to see how Kevin got on?
ALL: Yes!

Here we go, Kevin. Let's see.

TYRES SQUEAL

Tame that wheel spin nicely.

Oh, my God. Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

You actually looked terrified.

That was a little dab of brakes
there, halfway through the corner.

Keep the front in check.

It looks so tame.
It looks so tame here.

as you're making out.

That's well done.

Aww, baby, I think it's gonna hurt.

Do you ever actually blink?
You haven't blinked as...

Ooohhhh....

I've never seen
countryside move so fast.

Still haven't blinked.

I have only one devout wish,

and that is to beat Terry Wogan.

You couldn't get much
closer to those! Come on, baby.

Now, that looks brilliant...

I've never seen that done better.

That was cos I was driving at
15 miles per hour. No, you weren't.

That second to last
corner was phenomenal.

LOUD APPLAUSE

And no spins.

I've never seen anyone do that...

Normally, people cut the corner
or go too far and run wide.

It was the penultimate one, though.

I'd finally got my act together
by the ultimate corner.

That's the trouble. Anyway, to
establish how fast you went round.

There's the board. Where...

I can't believe it. This moment,
I've been dreaming of.

I'm looking, as you can see,
at the bottom 10.

Well no, you went faster than that.
OK, so maybe Keith Allen?

Where's Keith Allen? He's there.

He's down there. So, dry track.

You did it in 1 minute..

..40... Yes?

5...
CROWD DRAWS BREATH

What's the fastest ever? 45.8.

APPLAUSE

I've got a new career. Unbelievable.
That's Cowell.

No!

The eco-mentalist!

I can't believe it! That's amazing.
And actually...

We actually have...
The specific time is 1.45.87.

Yeah, yeah. Jay Kay was 1.45.83.

So you're only
half a second off Jay Kay.

I don't know how you're going to
be able to live this down, Jeremy.

That you have the eco-mentalist
come on the show and...

LAUGHTER

Thank God for Jay Kay! If the
eco-mentalist had gone to the top...

You're really... You're barking up
quite literally the wrong tree.

You have a natural gift for it,
there can be no doubt about it.

That's an amazingly quick time.
I can't say any more.

I'm a bit overcome.

You can hold your head up high.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin McCloud.

APPLAUSE

And now, I'm very,
very pleased to announce

that it is time for the Cool Wall.
Yeah.

CHEERING

I'm going to start.
You're going to start? I am.

This is the Nissan GTR. There's
loads of technical reasons why

it's so clever and brilliant,
but the simple facts are,

it is faster round the Nurburgring
than the Porsche 911 Turbo.

And it is half the price. Which
means it is cool. No, listen.

When you're a kid, you want to
impress girls. You learn the guitar,

not a Casio keyboard.

No girl's interested in a man in...

All the buttons, very clever,
not cool.

That's a very good point,
but you don't have to explain it.

You just get in and drive it
like a proper car.

So, what are you driving these days?
A Nissan... Right. Thank you.

Uncool. Now, may I just do this one?
Please. This is the new Sirocco.

Basically underneath,
it's a Golf GTi.

You pay £100 more for the Sirocco,
and you get a bit less practicality.

And that's a good thing.

Who here married their wife because
she was easier to wipe down?

LAUGHTER

What?!
That's why this is a cool car.

It might even be super-cool.
What do we think?

Hands up for super-cool?

Hands up for just cool.

They are wrong, you see.

They were momentarily correct.
I think that is a super cool car.

You? Alfa Romeo, the baby
Alfa, small Italian car.

Anybody here got an Alfa?
SOME IN AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

There's two people. All the others
are in a cloud of steam on the A3.

That's cool! What's yours?
It's a Sportwagon. 156. Excellent.

And you didn't buy a BMW because?
I wanted an Alfa.

Because you see, he wasn't a cock.
And who else had an Alfa?

Can I just say, I'm his son,
and yes he has. What, he is a cock?

What do you drive?
I don't at the moment.

Clearasil will help with that,
by the way.

LAUGHTER

Do you find him attractive?
I came with him. You came...

Is everybody all together?!
They brought me here.

What the hell accent's that?

LAUGHTER

American.

You're American? You can't be,
you're nowhere near fat enough.

LAUGHTER

You're American?

Welcome. Welcome to the
free world, you'll like it here.

Did everybody come in one group?

Where were we?
It's nice to have the colonies here.

This Alfa is called the Mito,
M-I-T-O,

because it was designed in Milan
and built in Torino, Turin.

I'm thinking, what if they'd
designed it in Twickenham

and built it in Attercliffe?
LAUGHTER

But they didn't and it's a
cool car, and that's an end of it.

Ah, wow, yes.

This is a Morgan AeroMax
and I have a question.

What kind of monumental moron
would spend 100,000 of their pounds

on a car as catastrophically ugly
as that, Richard Hammond?!

It is utterly beautiful
and it's as English

as the Malvern Hills
amongst which it's built.

It combines cutting-edge technology
with proper, traditional,

old-fashioned craftsmanship. Uh-hu.

Yes, in yours,
I couldn't help noticing

there was a wooden beam
down the roof.

Yes, it does have a beamed ceiling.
It does.

When you open up the handbook,
does it go, "Hear ye, hear ye!"?

What do we think of this car?

Uncool.

Cool.

I like it. Correct, well done, sir.
Stand up to him.

He's a big oaf, just keep going.

Would you be inclined to sleep with
this man if he had that car? No.

No. Would you sleep with him?

I have to. You have to?

LAUGHTER

Anyway, mate... I know. ..you know
the rules of the Cool Wall.

If we have one of the cars, it
goes there, and that's an end of it.

Our hands are now empty and you
think the Cool Wall is over. It is.

However, I have a theory that
the Jaguar XKR convertible

which we said last time we did this,

was the coolest car you can
buy in Britain today,

may have met its match.

Really? In this box here...

Yes, I really do believe this,
the Volvo V70 estate.

You're saying that's...? This is
now the coolest car in Britain.

I think you can tell

by the stunned silence in this room,
you can go too far and that's...

We know, and I'll whisper this
slightly,

people who like cars
are quite dreary.

Yeah. You go to a party,
you sit down,

and you say you are interested in
cars, you can see them moving away.

Yeah. It's like a club.
We are car bores. Terrible.

You can drive this great car

but you can pretend
you're not interested in cars.

This is a box for carrying airbags.
Driven by men with beige trousers

and a problem stopping
when they've finished weeing.

It's just a dismal, dreary,
safety obsessed...

It's like turning up on Bondi Beach
with a lifejacket already on.

Who is the worst-dressed man
in the world?

Our studio director, Brian. He comes
to work in a piece of faux sealskin,

with turquoise twine and you go,

"Brian, that's rubbish". He goes,
yeah, but it's Dolce and Chanel

or whatever.
As though that's an excuse.

This has no badge.
It's just a blue turtleneck jumper.

No, that has no badge,
just like it has no genitals.

It says, "I've given up,
give me my Volvo."

You're wearing Volvo shoes! No,
I'm not! They're not! You are!

Look, stout soles... They're
RM Williams, they're just boots!

Australian Volvos.
A little bit of a heel at the back.

LAUGHTER

You can tell a lot about
a man's car from his shoes.

All right then, what are they
if they're not Volvo ones?

They're Lancias. They can't
go through puddles.

You must be American.

LAUGHTER

This is somebody with
a Nissan Micra.

Perfect.

And I'm guessing here...Jag.

A6. A6? God.

And then...oh my God!
What kind of an idiot?

Hello, James.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm going to put this on the board.

I'm prepared to nail it
there if you go near it.

And I'm glad you're here, James,
because it's time to move on.

You see, this year, a motoring icon
is celebrating its 40th birthday.

Richard Hammond?

No, he's 38. Same as he was last
year, and the year before.

It's his birthday next week,
isn't it? It is. Then he'll be 38.

Yes, all right. Funny.

38 year old, Richard Hammond.
I am, thank you very much.

This motoring icon,
it's an important one.

To celebrate its birthday we had
to go somewhere really special.

To here, in fact, the Riviera.

The legendary stretch of
coastline which for decades

has been the spiritual
home of Playboys,

movie stars and the jet set.

Which sort of makes it
the perfect place

for one of the all-time
great jet set cars.

The Ferrari Daytona.

It may take its name from a
racetrack in America, but trust me,

the Daytona is the absolute
essence of pure European supercar.

Drop-dead gorgeous looks,
stunning speed,

born in Italy.

I'm going to take it for a
drive now, from here, Portofino,

which is a sort of Italian Whitby,
along the coast to Saint Tropez.

And even though it's 40 years old,

this is the perfect machine
for the job. No it isn't.

Yes it is. Well, it isn't.

Well, it just is.
That is why I'm here with it.

It isn't. Not any more.

What is?

Well, it's a boat. Not that one.

This one.

What we have here is
the XSR48,

or in plain English, the only way
to get around on the Riviera.

Not only is it stunning to look at,

it's also the world's fastest
diesel production boat,

with a top speed of 80 mph.

James, this is from the future.

But you're from 1948.

I know you think that,

but I like modern intelligent
engineering solutions.

And this is one.

This is a carbon fibre
racing hull

that's won World Powerboat
Championships, and then they've put

some nice seats
and switches...sat nav...

James was adamant that this wasn't
just some rich man's vulgar toy.

So. What? Mr May...defend this.

Ah, yes. I was hoping you wouldn't...
That is a carbon fibre bog.

Yeah, it is.

To prove to James, of all people,
that the old ways are the best,

I offered to race him
to Saint Tropez.

and me in the greatest
grand tourer ever made.

How much is that worth, by the way?

That one? £200,000.

One-and-a-quarter million. Chav.

Move your scrap off the harbour.

The start of the race
wasn't exactly dramatic.

There was a three knot
speed limit in the harbour,

and my car was, well,
40 years old.

These old Daytonas take
a while to warm up.

You have to sort of
skip second gear,

go straight to third for a while,

until the gearbox
is up to temperature,

otherwise it sort of explodes.

While his 215-mile route was
40 miles longer than mine,

Hammond was convinced he'd be able
to maintain a higher average speed.

But once my cabin cruiser
was out onto the open water,

it would turn into a ferocious
powerboat racer,

and for that reason,
I couldn't drive it on my own.

This is Peter, he's a many times
World Powerboat champion,

holds powerboat endurance records.

He's doing the tricky throttle and
trim stuff, I'm doing the steering.

And the nav.

How fast are we going? Nine knots?

Need to go in the right direction.
Going the wrong way at the moment.

It's that way? Yeah.

The autostrada beckoned.

This is it.

The Daytona shouldn't really have to
defend its honour on its birthday.

But if James wanted a race,
he'd get one.

4.4-litre Italian V12, unleashed.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Right, here we go.
1600 shaft horsepower.

That's more than one-and-a-half
times a Bugatti Veyron.

That's 45 knots, so 50 mph.

And here's a tunnel.

I have to open the window a little
bit. I'm sorry about the wind.

Oh, that really is spine tingling.

70 mph across the water - that's
fabulous.

This boat has been
conceived like a supercar.

very agile, has just enough trim

and creature comforts
to make it bearable.

But that's all, it is
a hardcore performance machine.

My supercar doesn't
have a space-age khazi,

but it does have
infinitely more pedigree.

What's odd about the Daytona,
is that if somebody says

to you "Ferrari Daytona"
even if you've never been in one,

if you've never even seen one,
it sounds right -

you know, with a name like
that, it's not going to be a minger.

These days it takes many months and
many millions to design a new car.

seven days.

And just look at it.

It's...

absolutely sublime.

On the water, I had no time

for Hammond's misty-eyed
Mills and Boonery.

Old towns just racing by.

I know exactly what's
going on in Richard Hammond's mind -

he's got a romantic vision of
Sophia Loren and all those people.

But it's different now.

This place is full of Puffy
Dad and New York Hilton.

This is the modern way to do it.

As long as I'm not driving.

Your ten o'clock. Go behind it.
I've got it.

When it was launched in 1968,
the Daytona cost £10,000,

making it the most
expensive Ferrari ever.

But not everyone thought
it was worth the money.

A year earlier,

Lamborghini had brought
out the Mura,

and that was impossibly
futuristic - mid-engined,

really showing the way
forwards for supercars.

And yet it was Ferrari,
with a front-engine car.

In its day, it was seen
as a bit of a dinosaur.

But the Daytona had the last laugh.

Because of the Mura's
front-end lift at high speeds,

it started to go very light,

cos aerodynamically
it didn't quite work.

It could never get near
its top speed.

This could. 174.

30 miles into my journey, the
water was getting a bit choppier,

but I wasn't worried.

My feet here are suspended

with suspension units
off a Paris-Dakar racer,

and the technique, apparently,
is to relax

and let the seat take the battering.

Ohhh!

40 miles into my journey,

and something rather
perverse was happening.

You're watching a man go through
the process of falling in love.

It's not perfect,
this new love of mine -

I'd heard stories about incredibly
heavy steering, the clutch...

It's a bit like a big Italian
V12 engine truck.

And all those things are true.

The steering wheel is like
turning a hatch wheel

on a submarine
in a World War II film.

But the Daytona brings
back the glamour.

It reminds the Riviera what
the Riviera is all about.

Oh.

Ohhh.

Wow!

On the ocean waves, life
was no longer so jolly.

My situation report -
it's becoming very choppy,

so we've had to reduce
our speed by ten knots or so.

And on top of that, the Dakar
seats weren't really helping.

Ahhh!

Meanwhile, in the Daytona...

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

# I love you baby

# And if it's quite all right

# I need you baby, to warm the... #

You all right?

The camera was broken.

I was broken, and the rough seas
had forced us down to 25 knots,

which meant that Hammond
would be roaring ahead.

God, how much further is it?

About 100 nautical miles.

Ahh!

Marvellous.

I was indeed ahead, and as I neared
the French border,

I was now so in love
with the Daytona

that I might have
been babbling a bit.

Everything that it was, it still is.
When you drive one, here,

the mechanical interface between you
and it, it does take you into its...

Mercifully, my doe-eyed
dribbling was then cut short.
POLICE SIREN

Oh, I think we've just been
pulled by the police.

Oh. Yes.

He's waving his arm
at the cameraman.

Er...

I think the rest of this film may
not look as good as the first bit.

I'm in a Daytona, and I'm wearing
shades, so I'm absolutely fine.

Despite Hammond's setback,
we had to keep going

as fast as our spines would allow,
if we were to stay in the race.

We're back up to 41, 42 knots,

which is twice as fast
as we were going half an hour...

It's much better
than a Max Mosley party.

The shades haven't worked.

The Italian police weren't convinced

that we had rightful
possession of the Daytona.

He wants the documents for the car.

Documents for the car. Erm...

Sort of no.

I don't have them.

72 miles to go.

How do we know when we're in France?

Does the sea become
even rougher, like the roads do?

Whoa, this is enormous! Ahh!

This was bad.

My lead was now being destroyed.

Right, I'll go and sort this out.

Right. They've told us to follow
them to the police station.

Out on the sea, my body may
have been taking a battering,

but at least I didn't have
to worry about the rozzers.

SIREN WAILS
It's the police.

Oh, God, he wants to see documents.

Hello. Hello, how are you?

I've been stopped by the police.
You haven't.

Yeah, the sea police.

You know the Riviera thing,
the grand tour?

It's not what it was, is it? No.

It's not all Sophia any more.

There's more paperwork
than Brigitte Bardot would
have been doing, and does.

Finally, we were both released.

Right. Saint Tropez.

But because the police had
stopped Hammond for much longer,

I had now closed the gap.

We are now going past Monaco,
which is on the right.

50 nautical miles to go.

It's anybody's race.

But then, at motorway speeds, it
soon started to go my way again.

The final stretch of motorway to
Saint Tropez. And I'm home and dry.

I am probably the most low rent,
lowbrow chavvy urchin

ever to pedal one
of these along the Riviera.

Over 50 knots. Yeah.

With a considerable lead over James,
I was now off the motorway,

on the A road, and just
20-odd miles from Saint Tropez.

This is where the car
just comes alive now.

Yes, it's not a nimble, tiny,
lightweight sports car,

but it feels lithe and supple...

And now, to complete
a truly excellent day,

I shall win the race in the Daytona,

have a little gloat,
and then, I think, a beer.

Blister.

55.

60 knots there.

I was getting really close
to Saint Tropez.

Land of glamour, here I come.

Any minute, the Daytona
would be back

in the world of Mick and Bianca,
where it belongs.

60 knots there.

I was now entering the
fabled town itself.

Some of the signs and advertising
hoardings have got a bit bigger...

But, you know, modern world.

OK, this is getting
a bit...snarly, now.

Fair dos.

The land you can see to the left,
we'll head for that now.

As James powered on, I was
discovering that Saint Tropez

wasn't quite what I imagined.

CAR HORNS BEEP

Oh, no, this isn't right.

Holiday homes for sale.

Burgers...

Traffic.

The car's still brilliant,
but the world's changed.

I was just 15 miles
from the finish line.

15 miles at 45 knots is 20 minutes.

Mini golf.

If this car overheats...

Well, it will. It's old and Italian.

On HMS Carbon Khazi, we were flying.

61.

Ha-hey! 65!

Wa-hey! 2.5 miles to run.

As I got closer to Saint Tropez,
the traffic started moving again.

And I was heading for the
finish line - a bar in the port.

Speed humps.

Speed humps in a Ferrari Daytona,
that's not right!

Less than a mile. Beer! Beer!

Got to be close now.

This is it.
Sorry, everybody, about the car.

He's not here.

Oh, hang on.

Yes, yes, yes.

It's a pleasure to win.

Do you know what? What?

I don't care. Because I said it
was the perfect vehicle for the job.

I didn't say fastest.
I said perfect. And it was.

I mean, look at it here.
It's all over it.

It's beautiful.
Tell me you don't agree.

Bloody gorgeous.

HE LAUGHS

There's something I want to ask you.
What?

Can I drive the car back?
I'm broken.

Please? Yes, you can.

APPLAUSE

Can I just say, James -

man, you were green.
LAUGHTER

No, that was just the camera.
I was black and blue.

LAUGHTER

Can I just say how nice
it was that, for the first time,

I got the comfy, luxurious option,
and it was just magnificent.

Can I just say how nice
it was that you two

got to spend some time together,

on the Riviera, in the sunshine,

because next week, I get to drive

a mid-range Ford Fiesta
in Basingstoke.

LAUGHTER
On that bombshell, it's time
to end. Thanks for watching,

goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
transcript:chocolate/sync:innuit