All language subtitles for top.gear.s12e02.ws.pdtv.xvid-affinity

On tonight's Holiday programme
we go to San Francisco
in California,

we have a night out in Reno, Nevada-
and we end up on the salt flats
of Bonneville.

Thank you, hello.

Hello and welcome.

Now that's all to come. But first,

ever since Mr Barclays stop
lending money to Mr Lloyd and

Mr Rock was bought by Mr Brown,
sales of flash new cars have
almost completely stopped.

So does this mean it's the end
of the road for the petrolhead
or can you still have fun for 8p?

This is the Fiat 500
and first things first,
James May doesn't like it at all.

He says it's too cutesy, too twee.

Mind you, we're talking about a
man who says if he came to power,

his first job would be to
carpet-bomb the Cotswold town
of Burford.

I, on the other hand, wouldn't bomb-
Burford so I like the little
Fiat a lot.

Its £4,000 cheaper than a Mini,
it's also smaller,

more economical
and I think better looking.

And best of all, and I
know it this is a concept

Eeyore May doesn't understand,
this car makes you feel happy.

Yeah.

And now there's a new version
and that's even better.

This mad little scamp
is the 500 Abarth and
here are the headlines.

The 1.4 litre engine
has been turbocharged,
producing 135 horsepower.

It'll do 130mph.

That's brilliant, except the car
I'm driving now is the SS version,
which produces 160 horsepower.

160 horsepower
in a car the size of a shoe!

That's fantastic.

Heel and toe.

With all that power going
through the front wheels,

there's a bit of tug at the
steering
wheel - that's to be expected.

The ride is quite bouncy.

However, there's no bounciness
in the cheque you'll have to write

because prices are going
to start at just £13,500.

It's not what you'd
call barren in here.

It's got a slot down here
into which you can plug your...

Windows.

It's got air-conditioning,
MP3 connectivity, a CD player
and a radio that plays...

CRACKLE
Static.

Although this could be Radio 1.

You could solve that by fitting
an aerial and then you'd end up
with

a small cuddly pet mouse that
can be used for killing burglars.

However, there's one teeny
little thing that's niggling me.

You see Abarth is to Fiat
what AMG is to Mercedes-Benz.

It's an in-house tuning company.

Only they're much, much more mad.

For example, in the '80s
they got hold of the Strada

and they fitted these
fabulous bucket seats.

They were brilliant.

Except you couldn't
tilt them forward

because the headrest hit
the roof and so
you couldn't get in the back.

That was nothing compared
to what they did to the 600.

What they did
was tweaked the engine.

And then they found the only way
of keeping it cool was to run
with the boot lid open.

And then they found if they opened
the boot lid fully, in made the car

11 kilometres an hour faster,
so this is how it was sold.

With a boot lid
that can't be closed.

That and seats that won't fold
forward, that's the Abarth way.

And that's the niggle I have
with the new 500.

Where's the lunacy?

If we X-ray it, we find
the floor from a Panda,

the engine from a Punto,

a shape from the '60s
and some Abarth badges.

Behind the louvres and the big
wheels and the lowered suspension,

we find it has
seating for four - just.

And a boot which is big enough
for things.

On the move, it doesn't bark
or try to and turn itself
into an oven glove.

And if you try to drive it with the-
bonnet open, it doesn't work at all.

I can't see where I'm going!

I can't see a thing.

This car isn't mad in any way.

But on the up side,
it's a pretty serious little racer.

Listen to the noise - it growls.
Grrrr.

I'm only this big but
I'm a Lamborghini really.

I am, I really am. I promise.

Look in here, it's got a steering
wheel trimmed in red and black like

a man's wash bag and it's got
body-hugging leather seats and a

button here that makes
more talk and another button
that does something racy.

Look at this. A turbo boost gauge
the size of a fat spaniel's face.

It corners well too.

It's poised, composed, tidy,
no histrionics.

You see, I told you I
was a Lamborghini. I am!

In many ways, it reminds
me of the original Golf GTi.

It's just a genuinely good,
small fast car.

APPLAUSE

I love it. I really love it.

But as I said in the film, I do
miss some of that Abarth idiocy.

What you're saying is it

Yes. But you're just being obtuse.

You're the one that wants to
attack the Cotswolds.

Anyway, we must now find out how
fast it goes around our track.

That means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say he invented November.

And that if he won the
World Championship in Brazil
last weekend,

there might have been one
photograph of him without his
father gurning in the back of shot.

All we know is
he's called the Stig.

He's off, wheel spin there.This is
the first front-wheel-drive car
we've had on the track for a while.

He's charging down
to the first corner.

The hazards come on, hard braking.

A sensible safety feature, not at
all what you want from an Abarth.

MORSE CODE

Stig's still listening to Morse
code - better than static, I
suppose as he squeaks round Chicago.

And now down to the hammerhead.

More hazard flashing but
it's front-wheel-drive

Yes there's a limit to
the little terrier's grip.

Yet he's got it all gathered
up in no time. Good boy.

MORSE CODE

Maybe he's signalling
to his home planet.

Scampering through follow through,
panting and growling past the tyres.

This kind of car would try to make
love to your leg. Two corners left.

Clinging on bravely through there.

Now coming up to Gambon,
turns in, kicks up some dust
and across the line.

APPLAUSE

Now...

let's not forget
the little Fiat costs

£756,000 less
than the Zonda F.

You'd expect it to be
right down here.

And it is. It's 135.5.

And now let's do the news.

And that little Fiat, I just love it.

Seeing it on the telly as it bounces-
round a track, it's great.

But if for some reason,
you're like Eeyore,
you don't want one of those...

Are you wearing that for a bet?

Yeah. OK. Go on.

If, like Eeyore, you don't want one
of those, there's an alternative
super-fast micro car.

This Renault Twingo 133.

It's 0-68.7 seconds, 125 miles an
hour, not quite as fast as the Fiat.

But more importantly that,
even with the clever

sports chassis, a 650 quid option,
is still 1300 quid less
than the Fiat.

That's extremely
good value for money. I love it.

We've got one of those
in the studio over there.

I've been driving at this
morning and I think it's excellent.

Honestly, having
driven both of them,

the Fiat is £1,000 more but it's
worth it. Does that make sense?

And there's more fast small car
news from Renault with this,
which is the Megane R26R.

I think that looks
really great as well.

I saw that and thought
of you straight away.

I thought what that James May is
going to want is a hatchback with

red wheels, six-point harnesses,
a carbon fibre bonnet,
plastic windows.

And James, it's French,
who you like to think of as
lamb-burning Communists.

It's perfect for you in every way.
How did you arrive at wanting that?

Because I like it.
James, you'd have to have literally

no penis at all to buy a
car like that.

How do you work that out?
We're always being told that

the flashness of your car
is inversely proportionate
to the size...

Am I talking sense here, girls?

So the larger the man's car
and flasher it is, the vegetable
thing goes on.

Is that right?
And you're saying that to a man
with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda.

Mr Swollen Wheel Arches
Mercedes CLK Black.

He has a point there.
You've got a Ford Mustang.

Let's move on.

Can we stop talking about cars?

Well, we weren't talking about cars.-
Not latterly,
but we were to start with.

I want to congratulate
Lewis Hamilton.

I think we all should.
CHEERING

What a race, what a man.

Well done. What a performance.

A couple of tips
if you're watching, Lewis.

We saw in the paper here
that his girlfriend said, the
one from the Pussycat Dolls -

That's what she said after the race.

We then saw in another paper that
he'd done this -

Stayed up until 9am.

If you've got a Pussycat Doll
saying you're going to get it
tonight, go to bed and have it.

Maybe he didn't realise what
she meant. "I've already won it."

No, not that!

How could he get it so wrong?
We're a bit baffled by that.

Next year, this is the good thing
about Formula One,
it's coming home to the BBC.

CHEERING

No adverts.

The only problem we've got is there
are some people speculating

the person getting the commentary
job, going to be the modern-day
Murray Walker, is Richard Hammond.

I've seen that in the papers.
It came as a surprise.

He's never watched a Formula One
race in his life. No, actually.

You weren't even watching last
weekend. No. I was driving home.

Did you look around and think
"The traffic's quiet tonight?"

I did get a clear run, I must say.

If he got the job it really would
be, "And they're off and look

"at the idiot in the Mercedes
holding them up."

No, Richard, that's the parade lap.

There's a red one in the lead.
He's pulled in - what, for petrol?

Why didn't
he fill up before he left?"

I freely admit I wouldn't
be very good at that.

He would be the worst person
in the world for that job...

Well, not absolutely.

Who would be good?
Anyone got any thoughts?

Dale Winton. Dale Winton.

Brilliant.

Russell Brand. Russell Brand. Yes!

No!

I rang Rolf Schumacher and...
we're off the air.

Took time.

I can't think of anybody.
It's going to have to be me.

Now, the time has come, I fear.

Lots of complaints after last
week's programme,
internet awash with...

hate, people demanding an apology
and I'm only too happy to give one.

I'm very sorry that I didn't put
the GT2's time on the board.

APPLAUSE

I don't know what to say.

We had more complaints
about that than we did
about burning Steve Redgrave's shed.

But what was the time?

it wasn't.
It was exactly the same time.

119.6 or something.

It was exactly the same time.

There you go. So it's the same
as your four-wheel-drive Lambo,

or the two-wheel-drive Porsche
did it.

You can do it once in the Porsche.
The second lap would kill you.

Only if you were a useless coward.
It's a better car.

Time to move on.
What we have down here is a
selection of American muscle cars.

The recipe for this sort of
thing was always very simple.

Massive engine, crude,
simple suspension, very low price
and finally, some orange paint.

This sort of thing never really
caught on in the civilised world.

We thought that what with petrol
prices being so high now, they'd
have died out in America as well.

However, in the last few months,
three brand-new American
muscle cars have arrived.

So we thought we'd best
pop over to the States
and find out if they were any good.

Unfortunately, there was a problem.

You see, we all have visas
which allow us to go to America
and make a factual documentary.

But since our last trip over there,-
when I might have accidentally
put a cow on the roof of my car,

the American - the US State
Department, no less - has decided

Top Gear is actually now
an entertainment show.

Unfortunately, that requires
a different type of visa, and
we didn't have time to get one.

So in the end, we were only allowed-
into the country if we promised -
this isn't a lie, is it?

This is absolutely true,
hand on heart.

..If we promised
not to be entertaining.

The idea was that we'd meet up
with our muscle cars
in San Francisco,

the 14th most populous city
in America.

But immediately,
we ran into another problem.

This is the Cadillac CTS-V
that James will be driving.

This is the Corvette ZR1
that I'll be driving.

And this is an empty space where
Richard's Dodge Challenger
should have been parked.

It isn't here because Chrysler, the
people who make the Dodge Challenger,

said we're always horrid about their-
cars, and decided at the last minute-
not to lend us one.

If this was normal Top Gear,
we'd just make a Challenger
out of leaves or something.

Or push Hammond off there
and carry on without him.

Exactly,
but we decided to show Chrysler...

In a factual,
not an entertaining way...

..that Britain is not a bankrupt
rock in the North Atlantic,

and that we will not be pushed
around by a two-bit car company.

This is a Dodge Challenger
that I've just bought. Yeah!

Thought you could stop us,
didn't you?

Because of demand for these cars
over here right now, I've had to pay

$51,000, which is $10,000
more than the list price.

But all the same, I reckon, what,
£28,000 is not a lot for

425 horsepower and a sound that
can start earthquakes.

DEEP ROARING
Oh, yeah!

That's subtle.

'Once we were all assembled,
we broke out the map.

'We had to get from San Francisco
across California and Nevada
to the Bonneville salt flats

'in Utah...where in three days'
time, we'd been entered
for the Speed Week drag races.'

Look, you two,
no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm
and don't put a cow on your roof.

Can I crash into James
every time we stop? No.

Just a tiny... No! All right.

If Hammond drives
into May's car, Bruce Willis

will come in a state department
gunship, and we will all be killed!

We burbled out
of San Francisco, which is,

er, the 14th most populous city
in America, towards the Golden Gate.

Opened in 1937, this $27 million
colossus...is much like
the Humber Bridge in Britain.

Only smaller.

I want to make it plain.
That was a fact.

And here's another one.

After just half an hour,
James had decided he didn't
like his Cadillac very much.

What exactly

were they thinking of?

This ambassador for the relaxed
American way of travelling

around in style has a 6.2 litre
supercharged V8,
developing 556 horsepower.

It's just not necessary.

The moaning went on.

What was wrong with being a
Cadillac? It's supposed to be
soft and floaty, you're supposed...

..and sending a car
around the Nurburgring spoils it.

Simple as that. I see why
the muscle car never caught on...

Unlike James,
I absolutely understand
the appeal of muscle cars.

Factually,
they're like killer whales.

Very striking to look at, very fast.

But you wouldn't want to own one.

'This Corvette ZR1
is a classic case in point.'

I've the same basic engine that
James has in his Cadillac,

but while he has to make do with
only 550 horsepower, I have 640.

ENGINE REVS

That is intoxicating.

I'm not being entertaining,
I'm just saying, that is...

really incredible.

It may cost $100,000 - a lot for a
Corvette - but it is Enzo fast.

0-60 takes three seconds.

The top speed is 205.

It is ballistic, but you can't
have a Corvette in Britain.

It's too brash, too ghastly.

It'd be like turning up at
one of the Queen's garden parties
in chromed cowboy boots and chaps.

Of course, Hammond failed to
understand any of this because deep-
down, he is a secret American.

I love muscle cars.

I love the fact that they're

about racing away from the lights
when the police aren't looking.

They're about cowboy boots,
work boots, denim jeans,
dime stores, bars. I love that.

I'm feeling cooler already.

I'm chewing gum and everything.

James, meanwhile, wasn't even
enjoying the excellent music
on the local radio station.

MUSIC: "JESSICA"
("TOP GEAR" THEME)

I wasn't expecting to hear that.

"On tonight's programme..."

High in the Sierra Nevada we pulled
over next to Lake Tahoe,mountains,

the eighth deepest lake
in the world.

But because we could only look
at its shimmering beauty in a
factual way, we didn't bother...

and concentrated instead on teasing-
Hammond about some of the
facts on his Challenger.

Is this real carbon fibre?
No. Are these real

ram air scoops? No.

Sorry, Richard... It's
not supposed to be a Rolls-Royce.

It's simple,
it's fast, it's a worker's car.

It's for blue-collar workers...
Were you born in the USA?
What has happened to you?

Put it this way.

This is like a bodybuilder.

Hugely impressive,
but when you take its trunks down,
it's "Hello, Mr Squirrel".

BEEP

What do you mean,
you put it in a melon?

Sorry. Don't send helicopters.

Why have you got
secondary double-glazing on

your bonnet?
What's the point of that?

Lamborghini and Ferrari put a glass-
engine cover on these days, so you
can see the craftsmanship. This?

So you can see some
writing and some showing off.

I quite like that. You... I do!

I like it. The Ferrari's made
by craftsmen in Maranello.

This is made by two
fat blokes in Kentucky.

Called Bud and Bob.

This plastic comes from the
same plastic they use to
make newsreaders over here.

That's the same colour as well.

Is there nothing about
your car that you like?

Factually? No.

Cos last time we were here,
you bought a Cadillac,
and you loved that.

Yeah, but I was being entertaining.

'Fearful that James may have
made a joke, we decided to leave'.

Quickly, Bruce Willis will be here.-
I can hear helicopters.

After an hour or so, there was a
worrying announcement from Jeremy.

I'm starting to like this Corvette.

It's ridiculous.

It isn't the power.

It's the surprise of the power.

When you're driving a Ferrari Enzo,-
you expect it to go like Stig.

But this is quiet,
comfortable, spacious.

It's beautifully air-conditioned.

So you're simply not
ready for the savagery
when you put your foot down.

Whoa!

And I've got a display
with my lateral G
and my supercharger pressure.

And I've got the best
stereo in the world!

Facts, Jeremy, facts.

'As night began to fall and with
James still complaining about his
car...' ..To make a BMW M5...

'We arrived in Reno.

'Which is like Las Vegas,
only smaller.

'And worse.'

It's a town with some
light bulbs on it.

Weirdly, James made
straight for a casino.

Can't wait, sorry.

While out on the street,
I was trying to keep
the Duke of Hammond under control.

Don't race between the lights.

No! Yeah, that's what we mustn't do.

In Nevada's casinos, you can
usually win a car of some sort.

Sadly, the prize in this casino
was this.

Still, it was better
than that stupid Cadillac.

Evening.

Meanwhile we were still thinking of-
things we weren't supposed to do...

to do.

Ready? Here, OK? Go.

ENGINES REV

CAR ALARMS SOUND

'Two revving V8s, and the alarms
went berserk'. Run away! Run away!

Go, go, go!
Don't screech your wheels.

WHEELS SCREECH

That helped,
Jeremy, that helped!

You won't change it
unless you change that.

Yeah, it won't change unless you
change that. Now you're hit again.

Where are you guys from, Australia?

'James wasn't really
enjoying his company.

'But then, neither was Jeremy.'

I didn't know you were the police.
Real police. Well...

Police. You were squealing the tyres-
and revving the engine.

My foot slipped off the clutch.

No. I don't buy that for a second.
Sorry.

Oh, dear.

'After a ticking off from the we
went to find James.'police,

That's desperate. That is desperate.-
That is desperate.

You'd rather have that
than your Cadillac? Yep.

What is that? It's hideous.

'We decided to turn in and leave
James with his new best friends.'

Are you, er...

John Lennon, or...? Might be.

Well, you're from
the best band that I ever heard.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Not arrested yet.
Right, we'll pick that up later on,

but now it's time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight won a programme
called Pop Idol, which of course
means I've never heard of it.

Bit difficult, this, but ladies
and gentlemen, please welcome
that man over there!

You know who I am! I know!

It's Will Young, everybody!

I'm being obtuse.

I'm being obtuse again.

Now, I'm not very good at
chat-shows, as we discovered last
week. We had Michael Parkinson on,

and what's really worrying me is
that when Simon Cowell came here,

I may have said accidentally
that you look like you've been
hit in the face with an axe.

And now you're here!

I get that, because I do

had Slick Jaw McGraw, you know.

But I've never heard "hit in the
face with an axe"! It's like, "Ow!

"Look what you've done now".

The thing I find interesting
is that you have actually got a

career out of winning Pop Idol,
which of course became the X Factor.

Yeah. Because most of them don't.

Looking at the winners, I have to
refer to notes here, cos they're
meaningless names. Shane Warne.

Shayne Ward!

I don't know! What's Warne?
He's a cricketer! Even I know that.
Shane Warne's a cricketer?

I don't know anything
about cricket either.
It's like talking to my dad.

Leon Jackson?

He's good?

He's not as good as Camel Or Gong,
trust me.

Nobody's heard of Camel Or Gong,
Focus or Genesis,
Led Zeppelin, The Who?

Smoke On The Water,
people normally get that one.

What's Smoke On The Water?

Oh, for God's sake!

But this is you. Your record
collection doesn't go past...1979,

does it? When were you born?
I was born in 1979.

See, this is your problem.

You were born the year,
quite literally, the music died.

The Clash...The Clash were
pretty much over in '79.

Prog rock was over. What was
going on when you were growing up?

What music did you listen to?

I listened to my parents',
so it would have been
Joni Mitchell, the Beatles...

This explains why you're
so successful now.

You've got a new album out.
What's that called?

Let It Go, which I think sounds
like a self-help book,

but it's the only title I could...

And you're on the South Bank Show
now. You really have achieved.

X Factor to the South
Bank Show is astonishing.

Yeah, but this, I'm
dead chuffed to be on this show,
cos I'm quite an avid watcher.

I am the guy that watches
the re-runs of this on Dave.

Really? Cos I've often wondered,
who's watching it again?

That's me! I am the loser!

So are you a bit of a car man?

I am a car man, and my family
have always been car mad.

My grandparents used to
have amazing cars.

They had XK120s. They had a Bristol.

My grandmother had an Alfa Spider.

They always had...and My mum
and Dad have always been into cars.

And also, we do love each other,
but we don't really get on that well.

So when we go on holiday,

if we go to Scotland or something,
we all drive in our separate cars!

We can't be in the car together.

Seriously? Yeah.

Does it ever develop into a race?

We have...no, cos we're
very responsible and we don't

have races. I did a race once.

I did a Top Gear race. Really? Yeah.

I had the best car I've ever driven,

a Range Rover supercharged Sport,
and my friends were flying back from

Newquay, and we were driving back,
and we did our own Top Gear...race.

See who could get back to London?

Notting Hill. That's interesting.
Who won? We won. In the car?

Yeah. Good man! That's the ticket.

APPLAUSE

So where did your car story begin?
What was the first car you had?

The inevitable Mini?

There was a Mini,
yeah, racing green Mini.

Which was great, because...
I think of it like Lego.

I remember buying another Mini
for 80 quid just for the wheels,

and then you put bucket seats in
and you had racing pedals,

and you could just interchange
the whole time.

You should always start with Minis.-
It's the right place to start.
It's like a go-kart.

You're so low down, you feel
like you're doing 100. The wing
mirrors used to flap at 80.

You are interested in aesthetics.

Property is an area you've moved
into? Yeah. I love doing them up.

I've just got a place in Brighton
and it was quite dilapidated,

and I loved, sort of,

bringing it back to former glory.
Does yours always end up rubbish?

Cos when I've just done
my house up, you just think,
"What did I do that for?"

But it's quite addictive.

Mmm. Everything, down to
the right cushion, you know,
I like the whole detail.

I've just had that exact thing.

The poor woman trying
to get my cushion fabric -
you may find this surprising,

but I've been going, "No,
the brown stripe's too wide.
I want more orange".

I wouldn't have you down
for that type of man.

Maybe we should start a programme.
Jeremy and Will do up Surrey houses.

I'd love to do up Surrey houses.

Us fighting over shag-pile carpets.

I don't like shag-pile.
Neither do I.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever been to the Chelsea
Flower Show? I have, actually!

I went to the Chelsea
Flower Show to get a water
feature...talk among yourselves.

Pathetic! They are
useless, water features.

I've just got some
authentic Spanish tiles

for my garden, and a water feature
and it's slate, but the water's...

What colour slate, grey?
Yeah, that's the colour of slate!

Yeah, but... This is
how the show could go!

It would either go
incredibly well,

to new heights...

Or it could end in a massive fight.

And you'd probably kill me. No,
I've got arms like pipe cleaners.

You're quite trim. I mean,
not trim. Fit. Not fit.

I'm saying all the wrong things.

LAUGHTER

Right, now, your lap.
How did it go out there?

I think I did all right.

But some things the Stig was saying
to me, I just didn't quite get...

particularly the last corner.

I had a lot of problems
with the last corner.

I have to say,
the Stig was impressed.

Really? He was impressed.

You were let down slightly by the
lord of weather today, drizzling.

Yeah, it started drizzling,
which I think is the worst.

But he says you're fearless.

And also a precision,
I mean, a feel for cars.

Oh, good! Shall we see how he got
on?

I know everyone says this
- I'm so nervous.

I'll either be elated,
or I shall be weeping.

Let's have a look at the lap.
Here we go.

I've just turned the air con off,
thinking it would make a difference.

How competitive I am!

It'll make a huge difference.
About 10% more power.

Oh, you see, yeah. You really
are intent. Look at this.

Windscreen wipers on - how do
they work? Can't see anything.

But it's raining.
You do need to have them on.

That's not bad, if you
can get it back in tight again
on the exit, which you have.

I'm so sweaty. Come on!

Hammerhead. Hammerhead. Hammerhead.-
It's very hard, that.

It's the hardest corner
on any track.

If you keep it in those lines...
Yes! Look at that.

Hey, that's all right, isn't it?
Don't lift off the gas. Yes.

And you didn't go over the red
and whites. Flat out through there.

This is BLEEP terrifying.

Oh, now we slowed down.
That's too slow. Too slow!

I know, I just couldn't ...
Were you frightened a bit about
crashing there? There we are!

Across the line.

APPLAUSE

That second to last corner.

What happened?

Where do you reckon then?

Now, bear in mind if it's wet,
as you can see, the wet laps start
down here. This is very wet.

Keith Allen, Rob Brydon.

They're down in the 151s.

Do I get a wet lap?

Oh yes, there's no question it was
wet. I'm assured by the Stig...

Well, damp. I'll put a D on it.

Or an M. Which do you want?
Would you like moist or damp?

LAUGHTER

They've got to do that show,
you know. It would be brilliant.

D, please. D. Right,
you've got a D for damp.

Oh, God.

Come on, hazard a guess.

Hazard? Oh God, I don't know.

I'd like to be in the top ten.
You can't be. It's wet. All right,

well, I'd like to be in the top ten
of the damp, wet people.

Of the damp people. OK.
I have to say,

I'm just prolonging your agony now.

Oh, you're such a BLEEP, aren't you?-
You can't put that out.

You did it in one minute...

48.9. That's the fastest wet lap
we've ever had.

APPLAUSE

That is right...

Is that good?

I know you're going to look
disappointed but it's not our fault.

I'm a little disappointed.

I think that's an incredibly
good time on a damp track.

OK. It's been brilliant. Thank you.
It's been great fun having you.
A car fan at last!

Ladies and gentlemen, Will Young!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, tonight, we're trying to get
three fast cars from San Francisco

to the speed week drag races,
at the Bonneville salt flats.

Usual range of problems.

We've got visas that only allow us
to be factual, not entertaining.

Jeremy has met a policeman.

And James hates his car.

We rejoin the action at Reno, which
is, factually speaking, a toilet.

'Good morning. This is KAOL
and it's another beautiful day

'in northern Nevada.'

Not for James, it wasn't.

He'd been up all night,
hadn't won the trike,

and was now facing another day
in his hateful Cadillac.

What an appalling cackhole.

Now, the quick way from Reno to
Bonneville is on the Interstate.

But, to cheer James up, Hammond
and I decided not to use it.

Chaps, why are we
going the long way round?

Well, because we've got
really good cars.

We would be using the I50, which
has been known as the loneliest
road in America since 1986.

That's a staggering 22 years.

It crosses all of Nevada and is
famous for going past almost

nothing of any interest whatsoever.

It was on this very road that they
shot the epic film Vanishing Point.

It was about a bloke being chased
by police in a Dodge Challenger.

He smashed into a digger and
was killed, I seem to remember.
I don't want to do that bit.

That sound of a big V8 growling
and bellowing across the desert

has got to be one of the single
most evocative noises in the world.

Look at that road. Look at it.

You could just become mesmerised
by the straightness of it.

After a while, though, we became
bored by the straightness of it.

There are 213 stitches
on my door panel.

If you add up all the numbers on
my dashboard, it comes to 1,247.

My battery is producing 12.9 volts.

To liven things up, I decided
to stop for some elevenses...

..Corvette style!

What are you doing?

I've just laid these black
lines on the road and I bet you

you can't do longer ones.

I bet you a million pounds I can.

This is what this car's for!

What are we doing?

You're keeping a lookout while
he tries to lay longer black lines

down the road than I've managed.
But what if somebody sees us?

I don't think they will. Ready?

I don't think they will. Ready?

Yes. Here I go.

Ha-ha-ha!

Hopeless. This may be harder
than I thought. It's automatic.

Right, back him out the way.
Let's see if May can do it.

This can only go well.

Have you turned the traction
control off? Yes.

Have you ever done that
in your life? No.

I think it's game of him
to join in. Right, lots of revs,
steering wheel straight.

Oooh! Oh, cock!

You are such an imbecile.
What do you call that?

I over corrected. How well does
that bode for Bonneville?

He can't drive in a straight line.

Traction control. On.

We tried going back
to being factual.

Cows.

But soon we ran out of facts.

Oh God, look.

It's clouding over. Oh(!)

After what felt like six years,
we came across some civilisation.

Where Richard said he fancied
an all day breakfast in a
good old boys' American diner.

And that gave me an opportunity
to think of another thing

we weren't supposed to do...to do.

All our cars have keyless go,
so providing you have the key

about your person, somewhere near
the car, the engine will start.

I think, however, that dodgers
are a bit crude.

So, Hammond's sitting there, OK?
He's got the keys in his pocket.

He'll know he's left it open.
I don't have his key.

OK, ready?

I'm going to re-park it. I'm not
sure how far I can actually

drive before the engine
realises there's no key.

But I think if I put it... I
don't know, about here. Perfect.

Sorry.

With that factual test completed,
we enjoyed a light breakfast
and chatted about our road trip.

How much are you looking
forward to Bonneville?

More than I've looked
forward to anything, ever.

HORN TOOTS

I've wanted to go there
since I was a small boy.

TOOT!

I'm going to buy a Corvette
when I get to England. You won't.

'It was time to hit the road.'

Onwards! Is that ...?
My car was there and now it's there.

Did you leave it there?
No, of course I didn't leave it
in the road!

I've got the...
I'd go and get it if I were you.

How the...?

TOOT! TOOT!

Oh God, I'm sorry. Sorry!

That's weird.

Back on the I50, I rechecked
my stitching. 18, 19, 20.

21. And James carried on moaning.

..isn't a proper
American luxury car.

This is some sort
of ridiculous American...

At the end of the I50,

there's another very
straight road to Bonneville.

But Richard and I
decided it would be more

fun to go there through the longer,-
twisting road through the mountains.

So we'll go that way.
Why can't we just go there?

Look, James, Cadillac has
never heard of Germany, OK?

Despite that, this car has been
around the Nurburgring
in less than eight minutes.

It's supposed to be the fastest
four-door saloon ever.

On those twisting roads,
you'll love it.

And, you know what?
On this astonishing road, he did.

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

All of a sudden, that stuff about
limited slip differentials

and magnetic suspension...
all makes complete sense.

Oh, yes!

It's so planted.

This is the best American
car I've ever driven.

By a distance as great as that road.

The lighter, grippier Corvette,
however...moves even better.

Man, this is great.

How can a car as docile as this one-
is most of the time

be this exciting when the road gets
twisty? How is that possible?

It's also such a joy to have all
this power and all this handling

and a proper manual gearbox,
not those stupid flappy panels.

Simple traction control on or off.

Are you listening, Ferrari?

Well done, fat man from Kentucky.
This is a masterpiece!

Here in the mountains,
James and I have discovered we

weren't really driving point
and squirt muscle cars.

We were in full on sports cars.

Richard, on the other hand, was
driving a traditional muscle car.

And he wasn't having
quite such a good time.

The Challenger's not really
very good at this sort of thing.

The steering though, is...numb,
actually. It's quite numb.

Meanwhile, back at the front,
something amazing was happening.

This is just a tremend...
Oh, my God, look at this.

I just got overtaken!

Sorry, mate, but you're
spoiling the view ahead slightly.

Now, that won't do.

What's got into him?

Try and keep up, Jezza.

He is really shifting now,
Captain Slow.

This was way too exciting
for the US government.

And, anyway, we had to reach
Bonneville before nightfall.

So we rejoined the main highway
and went for it.

I just wanted to make sure that
you guys were doing the documentary.

It is a documentary. It's not
like a fooling around show, no.

A serious show. 'Jeremy's
sincerity wasn't convincing.

'And his hand gestures
didn't help either.'

Everything you said.

Everything you said made it worse.

At one point, I wanted to just...

Look, did I tell him we were
doing a factual documentary?

There's going to be no issues.
What's really alarming is, you've
actually been quite entertaining.

I wasn't entertaining.

No, I found you entertaining.
Yeah, you were. I was being factual!

After that, we drove on
in a factual manner,

excited that soon we
would be in Bonneville,

the mecca of speed.

And it really is a pilgrimage.

I mean, for a petrol head,
that is hallowed ground.

We woke up the next morning,

having spent the night
in our rented Winnebago,

on the salt flats themselves.

Caused by global-warming about
15,000 years ago,

Keen to become one of those speed
freaks, I was up extremely early.

Now, as we know,
practice makes perfect.

So I'm going to get some practice

now before the course
opens, in the 'Bago.

Clarkson! What? I know it's you.

What are you doing?

We're up to 40mph in the 'Bago.
Come on! I was asleep.

Where's May?
Pack it in! I'm on the throne!

Clarkson, it's not funny!

Clarkson, you infantile pillock!

You're tidying that up.

At nine, the event began and
we immediately bought
some hats so we'd blend in.

Morning.

Then it was time for
our safety briefing.

On a run, if a car has a problem,

they blow up an engine, or catch
fire, they turn out to the right

and we know immediately
to send the fire truck.

So we go right if we have
a problem? Correct.

If we go left, spinning wildly,
that doesn't mean we
haven't had a problem.

It just means we haven't
been able to go to the right.

Our challenge was simple...

To see what speed we could achieve
as we went past the mile marker.

I'm not leaving here until
I've achieved 170 miles an hour.

150 is my target for that.

150. 160.
50, 60, 70. Right, gentlemen.

On a mile-long run on tarmac, our
cars would hit those speeds easily.

But on salt,
that's a very different story.

There's a top coat of tiny crystals.

You kind of float over 130. You
start floating around a little bit.

It's slicker. The surface responds
differently to the tyres.

Does it slide about?

Sometimes. Depends on how
much horse power you put down.

425, what will happen then?

You'll spin out. OK.

You'll spin out? So what am
I going to do at 640 horsepower?

You're gonna have to be
awfully careful.

It was time for our first runs.

Create havoc and let's slip
the dogs of war!

They probably think that's
a Bon Jovi lyric here.

OK, here we go.

Come on now, baby. This is your
territory. This is what you do.

Just that little bit more.

Oh, that was a bad start.

A bit of shaking.
Bit of wobble. Come on, car.

One mile!

There we go.

'Course is clear.'

All of us were too slow.

166. 157. 142.

That's not... No, I know.

To reach our targets,

we'd have to get the wheel spin
off the line exactly right.

Every gear change exactly right.

We'd have to get our line
in the salt exactly right.

Every bit of the run
would have to be perfect.

And that's a tall order for us lot.

BLEEP the limiter.

BLEEP the limiter.

No, this is hopeless.

166.

153. Ignoring that one.

Come on, come on...

Oh no, I misdrove!

It's going to be worse, no!

This is so irritating.

Oh BLEEP!

144. 157.

Missing the gear cost me three mph.

It just doesn't work
with the traction control off.

That was a complete cock-up.

That was hopeless.
I'm going backwards.

144 again.

In the midst of all this
disappointment though,

the little red Corvette
achieved something amazing.

Well, you've got the fastest run
we've ever clocked on these clocks.

Most people would be pleased to
break a record for production cars...

Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!

But Jeremy was still shy
of his 170 mph target.

They call this salt fever when you
become so obsessed...

that you can think of nothing
but going faster and
faster and faster. Sod it!

Even Captain Slow was infected.

Oi! Have you met James, middle
name queue barger? I like this game.

To help us find more speed,
Jeremy and I pumped our tyres up.

While Richard met an expert who
said he should let some air out.

If you have too much air in the
tyre, the air is actually holding

the pressure held on the side wall
so the tyre can't grow.

I'm really pinning my hopes on that
guy being one of those sort of

mystic gurus of the flats.
They exist.

Jeremy and I lined up
for another run with our tyres
bulging at 50 psi.

Warning notices all over
my dashboard and I'm ready to rock!

Good gear change there. Didn't
hit the rev limiter this time.

Come on, stretch it,
stretch it, stretch it.

162. 164. 165.

169.

Half-a-mile an hour to go.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

159.

Oh, God! I can't do it.

It had been close, but no banana
for Jeremy and James.

So now, watch and learn.

That's a much better start.
It's gonna work.

Come on, Challenger. Think of
the glory, think of the honour.

Ha-ha-ha! 130...? What's that?
I can't read it.

139.

It was afterwards, when we were
making the front of my car more

streamlined, that I learned
a bit more about my salt guru.

How much of your life
have you spent on the flats?

This is my first time on the salt.

OK.

Still, he was pretty
good with Sellotape.

So, with my grill sealed over
and my tyres pumped up,

I set off for another run.

Snaky start. Snaky start. Come on.

Oh no, a bit of tape's gone.
I can't press the pedal any harder.

Come on, come on, keep climbing,
keep climbing, keep climbing.

Do you have a knife I can borrow?
There you go, Challenger - breathe.

With my tyres pumped up
to the point of exploding,

I set off after Hammond.

Forward into the pages of history!

Synchro's getting
a bit weak on second.

153...4.

Come on, stretch it, stretch it.

Come on, 'Vette.

Ooooh, I don't know.

Ha ha ha! I didn't expect that.

I've done it. 150.02. What?

Just this second, that last run.

You've done it? I've done it.

Look, 150.02. What have I just done?

Let's see.

176.549. No?

So, could Slow make it
three out of three?

Come on.

Quick change.

Come on, come on, come on.

176 miles an hour.

I got 150 from my Challenger.

I've ruined it, obviously.

Come on.

Please let that be it.

Was it a good run?
Felt like it. Sir?

163. Yes!

We've all done it.
Has Hammond done it?

Hammond's done 150.

Fantastic. He's celebrating
in the honey bucket. Hammond!

Hammond!

What? He did it. What, 160? Yes.

163. Hey, we've all hit our target!

We were ambitious and, for the
first time ever, successful.

We've never been good at anything
before. And, we've been factual.

Our success though was not the
biggest surprise on this trip.

We came here wondering
if America had finally

made a car that might actually
work in the civilised world.

The answer is no, they haven't.

As you can see from our smiles,
they've made three.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

They were, all three, just great.

They were. I reckon my Vette was
better than that Renault twingo.

I'd rather have the Challenger. Yes.

Perhaps they're not quite
as well made as we'd like.

No, but they were just
fantastic fun. We just love them.

And on that Obama shell,
it's time to end the show.

Thanks very much for watching.
See you next week. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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