Original subtitles

Hey, what you doing?

I'm playing Boy Scout.

Oh, Wally, we're here to have fun.

Fun? You call this fun?

There are mosquitoes the size of field mice, and the field mice the size of

beavers. You got me.

Sorry, I just feel really vulnerable out here in these woods.

It's okay. It'll do you a world of good out here.

Yeah, yeah, right.

I've got an idea.

What's that?

Why don't we go skinny dipping?

Are you nuts? Are you seeing that lake out there?

Like Miss Monster won't go swimming in that crap.

You're no fun.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I guess I've just seen too many Friday the 13th

movies.

Come

in.

Ranger Whopper is reporting for duty, sir.

At ease, Ranger Whopper.

Smoke him if you've got him. I've got him.

Uh, yeah. Well, I don't mean no's, and I know you've gotten them, huh?

Like I said, at ease.

Well, you know, I'm a little nervous. Would this be my first day and

Well,

uh -huh.

Being a little nervous, huh? How do you think I feel?

You still have a uniform better than any of my other rangers, I must admit.

What other rangers?

Well, that's why you're here, Ranger Wendy.

I see here you graduated number one in your Park Ranger Academy, huh?

It was tough, but I did it, sir. Well, it's not as tough as it's going to be.

Glaston National Park is invaded.

It's invaded by killer beavers.

Killer beavers?

Hey, honey, what's wrong?

There's something out there in the lake. It's wet and hairy and ugly.

I didn't know Ron Jeremy was in this video.

No, worse than that.

It'll be okay, honey.

I want to get out of here.

Hey, listen, you're the one who wanted to play campfire, girl.

Well, you win.

Now all I want to do is play.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel it in the back of my throat.

Yeah. I feel that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah.

The chief just read me the riot act. Oh, the armored car thing again? Listen,

I'm going to crack that case.

Give it up, Thoreau. You're obsessed.

No, no. I'm going to pin it on that Sal, the fifth, Bacabella, the last thing

that I do.

Why? Because your old man's a cop and his is a robber? Listen, it's more than

blood feud between cops and robbers.

Sal's way too patriotic for you.

You'll hang yourself.

Listen, if I'm going down, he's going down. And what makes you so sure it's

I can feel it in my bones.

You got any leads?

Well, my stoolie's telling me that he hid the dough somewhere in that

National Park.

That's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Yes, but Sal, Sal's the one that's going to take us there.

And when he does, I'm going to nail that Goomba.

Angie, tell me something now. What the fuck are you doing to me out here, huh?

Sal, I told you to dress outdoors, but oh no, Mr. Las Vegas.

He has to dress like he's chasing a cat's hair away, trust me. Well, I have

to know.

For Sal Buccobello, this is considered outdoors, all right?

You know, Sal, you're being a real shit.

Oh, yeah?

I gotta wipe my ass with tree bark, I can't place a bet, and you call me a

You know, that's a good joke.

Let me put it this way.

They're big, they're mutant, and they ain't friendly.

So what's my mission, Ranger Rex?

Well, I'm sticking you where there's major beaver activity.

So what do you need me to do?

Well, I thought you'd never ask.

No, I get it. I suppose you want me to take off my clothes and strip down to

prove I'm a ranger like the other guys, right?

How did you know?

I've been through this before.

a standard plot device.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Thank you.

I gotta go.

bugs out of your ass is a good idea, right?

Well, he also said that we should get back to our roots.

Boy, there seems to be plenty of them around here.

Well, he also said that we should get back in touch with each other.

Well, that's a good idea.

No, it's not what he meant.

Well, why don't you explain to me exactly what he does mean, all right?

Well, it's hard to explain.

Okay, well, let me get something straight.

You're paying this fucker a couple C notes a week to explain to you something

that is hard to explain. I got it right?

Kind of.

Well, let me tell you something. This guy's got some fucking racket.

What the fuck's that?

Okay. I got a plan that'll capture Bacabella.

What we'll do is, is we'll go undercover.

There's a couple of campers.

A couple of married campers, I suppose.

Very campers, yeah. That's a good idea.

And we're going to practice.

Practice? At being married.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. Agent Strowman, your insight is just amazing.

Well, we're getting some camping outfits, too, because, you know, we

really go in these clothes.

Oh, Agent Strowman, you...

We should have a feel for this job.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh, yes. That's not nice.

Oh, yes.

Lions and tigers and bears and beavers.

I don't see any killer beavers.

I think Ranger Rex has sent me on a fishing expedition.

What's that?

I wonder why that guy's wearing a suit.

Sal, it's 100 degrees out. Aren't you hot in a suit?

Hey, what's the matter with you, huh? You're nagging me about my suit all the

time. Well, you're just making me uncomfortable. That's all.

Okay, well, we'll make it a federal case. You know, I'll beat it. Don't

Well, I'm taking mine off because it's really hot out here.

I just saw them talking about a thing.

I just saw another one. I didn't see anything.

Stop it.

What are you doing?

It's hot out.

Oh, come on.

What's the matter with you? We're in the woods. Nobody's going to see. What's

the matter with you? Come on. Okay,

all right, all right. You can do what you want. Just don't kick my ass no

Holy shit.

That's against park regulations.

You gotta admit, I got good taste in clothes and women.

I don't feel anything right now. Oh, my God.

Oh,

fuck.

Oh, God, you beat me.

Oh,

fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

That's definitely against park regulations.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Get crazy with me? Yeah.

I'm trying to get crazy.

Yeah?

Oh, man.

It's great, though, baby.

Yeah? It's the outdoors, yeah. I love the outdoors.

I love the outdoors.

Ew, there's bugs out here.

There's big bugs out here. Yeah.

Don't want to get me.

It's all the outdoors, baby.

I told you that, huh? Yeah.

Yeah.

Because there's a brown thing at Rare and across there.

He's a friendly one, huh?

Is that tiny one? Yeah.

Little animals watching us? I like to be watched by animals. Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I like that.

I always go to the zoo when I want to really get more fun, yeah.

Yeah, we can do it at the zoo, baby. Yeah.

Yeah?

I love the zoo, you know?

You know, they say retarded people, they like going to the zoo.

you may be coming looking at.

Oh, fuck.

really think.

God,

you startled me. Shh.

I'm in hot pursuit of a criminal.

And I think you might have just found him. Here.

Yes.

That's him.

That's Sal the fifth's Bacchabellus and his accomplice, Angeli Dominglio.

I can't see exactly what Sal the Fist is saying.

But if I know him, he's probably figuring out his next caper.

Why do they call him the Fist?

What's going on? What are they saying?

I'm not too sure.

But it looks like Sal's pointing over to that bush.

That's probably where he hid the dough.

Dough? Yes, millions of it.

That's right, enough to buy the stupid little park and a whole bunch of two

hoodlums, too. I gotta nail him.

You can't do it alone.

You're right.

I'm going to need backup.

But I lost my backup about two miles ago.

That way.

What happened?

Fever trapped.

What do you mean, oops?

I'll make it up to you. Make what up?

This.

Oh, Ranger, I like your enthusiasm.

Whoa.

Ooh.

The mountain range is nice here.

Mm -hmm.

You know when you put your ear real close you can hear the ocean.

It's not your Aunt Martha you're kissing.

No, but they're about as big as her head.

You might have to take my hat off, too.

Wee!

it up for you.

Thank you.

The sun!

I can't see the sun!

I had this lump on my throat. I don't know what I'm doing.

You're making me so hot, baby.

Thank you.

You don't think I hope to stay from the mental home, are you?

No, not at all.

Look, I'm a bug.

Come on, Mike. Come on, Mike.

the false arrest charges.

Yes, sir. I agree.

Slapping cuffs on a naked man without probable cause is a bit extreme.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, well, Bacabella told us that he was going to put his hands in a

wheelchair.

Well, sir, sir, it could have happened to anyone.

Yes, yes, I'll tell her.

Yes, sir.

Park Service, they'll put a lid on this Bacabella thing.

That's good.

So, can I go now?

Yeah, you can go, Ranger Wendy.

Then I'm not fired?

Nah, just call it your first day jitters.

Oh, and Ranger Wendy?

Yes?

Remember, there's a lot of killer beavers running amok out there, so be