Original subtitles

- 140 BPM.

It's a little faster than we'd like,

but not uncommon for renal patients.

- I knew it. I'm calling Mom.

- No, don't call Mom. She's just going to freak out.

- Yeah, hi, Mom. It's elevated.

- Yeah, well, tell Mom

that I'm going to start him on carvedilol.

And then we'll be monitoring for the next few hours.

- And if you need anything- - She's freaking out.

She wants to talk to you.

- No, I don't want to talk right now.

But don't tell her that because she's gonna-

- Yeah, he just doesn't want to talk to you right now.

I'm so sorry, Mom.

- M-Mom, I'm here.

And he's- I do want to talk to you.

He's physically keeping me from the phone.

- I am not. Your son is just a prick.

- Ruben's got a tattoo. He has got a tattoo.

Ask to see his left ankle, Mom. - OK. I-

- He will not show you. - Mom, I do not have a-

- Harry has been on the kidney transplant list

for three years now.

Still a couple years out. - The wait can be frustrating.

It helps to have family around.

[indistinct arguing]

Usually.

- Sorry. Hey, quick question.

Uh, if someone wanted to give Harry a kidney directly,

like, how would that work?

Could he skip the line?

- Sure, if you had someone that wanted to do that.

- Um, yeah.

Me.

- Wow. - That's incredibly generous.

- Yeah, I've offered it to him before,

but he always turns me down,

so I would love to do this, you know, anonymously.

- That is so beautiful.

- Well, we'd have to run some tissue tests

to make sure you guys are a match.

But we could knock that out today.

- Great.

- Ruben, your parking ticket's on the floor.

You're out of your mind

if you think I'm paying a lost ticket fee.

- Cheap [bleep].

No wonder his kidney wants out.

You're shouting in a hospital!

[upbeat music]

? ?

- I like to say that every day's

a big day here at St. Denis.

But today, those are not just words that I'm saying.

Today, the city building inspector

is coming by to sign off on the new birthing center.

Ah, the final step.

Bring it, Mr. Bulldog Inspector.

Oh. [chuckles]

I'm sorry.

I meant to say building inspector.

But can you imagine a bulldog inspector?

I want that job. [chuckles]

- That was an uplifting start to the day.

This guy offered his brother a kidney.

- Oh, wow. How much he want for it?

- No, it was like a selfless gesture.

He didn't want anything for it. - Not yet.

- Oh, boy.

Just once, I would love for it to be, hey, Alex,

I totally agree with that very uncontroversial thing

that you've just said.

How's the new vanilla creamer?

- My stance on flavored creamers is known.

And, OK, yeah, it was a nice gesture,

but it was not selfless because nothing is selfless.

- [chuckling] Ooh. Take her to school, Ron.

- And the nice guys always want something in return.

A pat on the back, a high five.

- I'm sorry.

People do selfless things all the time.

I mean, this job is selfless.

- You get paid for it.

- All right. Well, you know what?

I just donated $25 to Parker's GoFundMe

for his dog's eye surgery.

- And you get to look like a good person.

Plus, the next time you put that tin can out

for Ella's Girl Scout cookies, Parker owes you one.

- You know what? I'm on Team Alex here.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Last thing in the world I wanted to do

was go to the gym this morning, but I went anyway.

Why?

[chuckles] Not for me.

For my chest and back and traps.

- OK, so I'm alone in this.

- No, I get it.

It's like how you did that big pond cleanup last weekend.

- Exactly.

- Which I know about because you posted it on Instagram.

Did she disable the likes?

- Oh, no, she did not disable the likes.

- Oh. - Do I know what that means?

Don't need to. I just know she didn't do it.

- You know what? Hate on me all you want.

But if you needed a kidney, I would be the first

to offer mine, no strings attached.

- Wait, that applies to me, too, right?

If I need a kidney?

Obviously, Serena gets first dibs.

[chuckles]

No, but we should get a list going

so there's no drama later.

OK, Alex's organs.

Who wants what?

- So Ron and Serena think it's impossible for someone

to do something for purely selfless reasons.

Well, I am pretty sure I just proved them wrong.

How did I prove them wrong?

I'm not telling because that would be taking credit.

And credit is of no interest to me.

- Whap! Matty!

- Uh- - I got you. You're my captive.

- Uh-oh.

Guess I'll have to lick my way out.

Uh. - Ew. What?

Just did a little research.

92% of kidney transplants come from loved ones.

So there's actually a lot of value

in having close relationships.

And not just for your kidneys. No.

Men with strong friendships

live an extra four years on average.

Yep.

Bruce needs a dude. [chuckles]

Looking for a dude.

Okey-dokey.

Listen, I happen to be in the market for a friend.

A best friend, as a matter of fact.

And Matt, you are the lucky guy

who's going to help me find him.

- Oh.

- Kay. [snaps fingers]

- Pretty psyched to be helping Bruce

on his friendship journey.

I mean, who wouldn't want to be his best friend?

Texting back and forth, sharing inside jokes.

Sorry, I was just imagining what they could be.

Yeah, that is going to be fun.

For-for someone.

- Hey, Joyce, building inspector just got here.

- Oh. Are you sure you don't mean the bulldog inspector?

[chuckles] Sorry.

You weren't there. [laughs]

- Bummer.

Anyway, he's down the hall.

- Oh.

[gasps] Oh.

Oh, my God. Val, are you sitting down?

- Yep.

- OK, do you remember me telling you

about a date I went on about five years ago at Enzo's?

- No. - Yeah, you do.

We both ordered the breaded eggplant.

And they only brought us one, even though we wanted two.

- No.

- And then I went to the bathroom and I got locked in,

but I had left my cell phone at the table.

- No.

- And the stalls were only 6 inches off the ground,

so I had to slither underneath, and I got my back all wet.

- [laughing] Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was funny.

- Well, it's him.

That's Michael.

- OK. - Shh!

Shh.

- You guys, I just checked the GoFundMe

for my dog Bunsie's eye surgery.

And an anonymous angel just donated $1,000.

- Wow.

That is a- you sure it wasn't $100?

- Nope. It was $1,000.

- Damn! That's crazy.

- [laughs]

Wow.

I added an extra zero.

Two zeros is 100.

Three zeros is 1,000. It's too many zeros.

- Good news.

A lot of tips online for how to make friends.

You could join a cigar club or a rec sports team.

There's also community theater.

- OK, I'm trying to find a pal, Matt,

not join the cast of "Seussical the Musical."

- Yeah. - Come on.

Can't we just rustle up someone around here?

- Oh, that's great.

I didn't know you were open to mixing

friendships and professional relationships.

- Yeah, well, I am, so go on.

[tapping desk] What do I, uh-what do I do?

- I guess you could start with the classics, right?

- Uh-huh.

- Ask questions, listen,

relate, express an interest.

- OK, well, I-

I know you're not supposed to do that with women.

But I don't know. Who knows?

Maybe it'll work with men.

All right, get out of here, you knucklehead.

"Bruce-ical the Musical." Now that's something.

- So I accidentally made a payment on my card.

Well, it wasn't an accident, but the amount was incorrect.

And so I just want to know if I can cancel that charge.

Representative.

- Did you make sure and say that deep down inside,

you're a very selfless bank customer?

Or are they just going to pick that up

as you take money out of a suffering dog's surgery fund?

- Folks, I just want to reiterate how deeply,

deeply grateful I am.

I mean, whoever made that donation,

I wish you'd speak up so that Bunsie and I

can thank you properly.

- Parker, whoever did this,

I'm sure they're happy that you're happy,

and that's all the thanks they need.

- Wow.

Curveball.

- Then he whisks me off to karaoke,

where we sing '90s jams for hours.

And after the second round of "No Scrubs,"

even the owner was like, "Haven't you had enough?"

PS, I hadn't.

- So did the night end there or...

- Oh, don't ask me that.

God, oh. [laughs]

Um, we might have FK'd.

- Oh, you [bleep]?

- Val, no!

Must you take it there?

No, we French kissed. FK'd.

- Does anyone call it that?

- Uh, if you know, you know, Dakota.

Anyway, we might be able to use this to our advantage.

Hey, you. [chuckles]

It's Joyce.

- Hey.

Just going through the electrical,

and then I'm going to move on to the HVAC.

- Joyce. Joyce Henderson.

- Yep.

The only Joyce on my contact sheet.

- Uh, well, so how, um-

how are you?

- Ask me that after I finish

the two inspections they just added.

They must be close by, right?

No, they're far.

- [chuckling] OK, this is funny, right?

What am I, on some hidden camera prank show?

No, you'd have to tell me, right?

That's the law?

- OK, propofol set to push.

- Set to push. - 20 mils.

- 20 mils.

- Also, what's up?

- What? - Well, how's your life going?

You, uh, you binging anything these days?

- [chuckling] Uh, actually, yeah.

- Oh.

- The wife and I just watched a great

"How It's Made" about aglets.

- The hell's an aglet?

- You know, those little fasteners

that go on the ends of shoelaces to prevent fraying?

- Oh, my God, Patel,

are you trying to put this guy to sleep or me?

- I love that show.

- Right?

- It's, like, all this stuff you never think about.

- But once you do, it's fascinating.

- You just want to learn more. - Yes! [laughs]

- OK, put him under.

[sighs] Ridiculous.

- It's really sweet what you did for Parker.

Not all heroes wear capes.

- Dakota, I don't even know what you're referring to.

- Hey. How are you doing?

You holding up?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

We'll just, you know,

shop at the cheap grocery store this month.

Hey, do people ever resole their Sketchers?

- You think maybe it's time to talk to Parker

about getting your money back?

- No, I can't do that.

I mean, if enduring a little bit of pain is what it takes

to show I'm a good person- - Al, come on.

You're literally the only person

who replaces toilet paper in the ladies' room.

- Yeah, but I'm always a little spiteful when I do it.

- Alex, because you're a good person.

Now, go mess Parker up and get your money back.

- Oh, yeah. [laughter]

- Hey, what's up?

- Sorry, was my sickness boring you?

I mean, it's been over an hour. - Well, OK, I was-

- Oh, you were at the gift shop, right?

- Right. Yeah, I was at the gift shop.

- Oh, you're out spinning a keychain tower

while I'm stuck with this guy, huh?

- You asked me about my weekend.

- No, it's-no offense.

It's just, I thought, I don't know,

having my brother sit with me

during a major medical crisis wouldn't be such a huge ask.

- Oh, I don't think he thought it was-

- OK, OK.

You-you want to know what I was doing?

I was out getting tested to see if I could give you my kidney.

Yeah.

But I was trying to do it anonymously.

- Oh, anonymous. Wow!

Hero.

And you almost kept it quiet a whole morning.

- Because you couldn't get off my nuts

for leaving the room for ten minutes.

- It was an hour. You know what?

I don't want your kidney, anyway, OK?

I am rejecting it outside the body.

- Oh, you are a child, OK?

- Oh, I'm a child? - Yeah.

- So a bit of an awkward sitch here, Parker.

That $1,000 donation was actually me.

And it was supposed to be $100,

which I think is still pretty generous.

But there was some finger slippage.

So if you could just, you know, issue me a quick refund,

that would be amazing.

- Oh.

Yeah, that kind of doesn't add up.

Last week, you donated, what, $25 under your name?

- Oh, well, yeah, I can see why that's confusing.

- Right, and now you made this huge second donation

that you don't want credit for?

Nah, nah.

That's, like, super sus.

- [chuckling] I don't think we need to call it sus.

- Honestly, you know who this really isn't fair to?

Ron. - Seriously?

Are you-

- This is really gross, Alex.

Even for you.

- "Even for me"?

- Val, the building inspector doesn't even recognize me.

Did I have different hair back then?

- Let me check.

I keep a monthly log of your length and shape.

- No, I think my hairstyle is still the same.

Send me that log, though.

Maybe I just need to jog his memory.

I mean, you don't sing "No Scrubs" with someone

until the wee hours of the morning

and then just forget them.

- Honestly, he might be gaslighting you.

Last weekend, I ran into Keith at Costco.

Didn't even say hello.

Just asked him to check the back

for more Charmin Ultra.

He found it.

- [clears throat]

- Hey, good news.

Your fire suppression system looks solid.

- Oh.

You know, I am famished today.

If I don't get some clams Posillipo in me right now.

[chuckles] Oh, speaking of clams Posillipo,

have you ever been to Enzo's,

that cute little Italian place next to the muffler shop?

- I have, actually.

- Oh, have you now? - Yes, ma'am.

Did their inspection, dinged them for termites.

- Yeah, uh, but have you ever eaten there?

Maybe you had a waiter with a skin problem

you kept joking about?

- Sorry?

- [clears throat]

? A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly ?

? And he's also known as a busta ?

- What?

- OK, that's enough.

- How did I become the villain for offering you-

um, checks notes- a piece of my body?

- Because you lord things over me.

You're a lorder. You love to lord.

- Oh, I'm a lorder? I am not a lorder.

- Behold the selflessness.

I mean, I almost want to be wrong once

just so I know what it feels like.

- All right, you're enjoying this way too much.

- What is the point in being cynical if you can't enjoy it?

- I don't know, man.

It's still, like, sad when bad stuff happens.

- Aw, you still have some lightness left inside you.

Adorable.

Well, just give it time. It'll die out.

[high-pitched voice] It's still sad

when bad stuff happens.

[laughs]

- Oh, my God, Ron, that's so generous.

I'm sure there are plenty of people here

that could use your money.

- You're doing something. Don't do something.

- Holly! Holl!

Didn't you say your church is saving up for a new bell?

- Oh, my God, yes. - [sighing] Oh.

- We've raised $450 so far, so just 19,550 to go.

- Oh, let's tell her.

- Nope, nothing to tell. - Oh, he's so shy.

But I think he's interested.

- Stop!

- I agree. Stop.

- Hey, Ron.

If you're giving away money,

Linda's mom got romance-scammed again,

so we're trying to fill the coffers back up for her.

- Dude, you are so right.

The trail flow on Eagle Ridge rules.

- Perfect.

- But did you notice

they started allowing e-bikes?

- Oh, don't get me started.

E-bikes, or as I call them, cheaters.

- Yeah. I'm going to use that. [laughter]

- OK, my gift to you. - Thank you.

- Mr. Spencer came in with a twisted ankle from cycling.

This guy loves bikes.

And Bruce happens to be our very own...

can't think of a famous bike guy,

but they're a match.

- Hey, so tell me, what kind of steel pony are you jockeying?

- Nothing fancy. Just a 2020 Pathway Pioneer.

- Oof, big fan of the Pioneer. Eats bumps for breakfast.

- Easily.

- Uh, but I think it came out in 2021.

- Ah. - Eh, not important.

- Yeah.

Well, me and a great group of guys have a bike club.

- Oh. - That meets Sundays.

We do tacos after.

And it's always pretty-

- 2021. Yeah. See? There it is.

Yeah, Pathway officially began selling its flagship model,

Pioneer, the one you said, on February 6, 2021.

So, yeah, I was right about that.

- Maybe they sold it earlier in different parts

of the country or- - Oh, so the internet is wrong?

Yeah, that's probably it. [laughs]

I better warn the others.

Uh, guys, don't use the internet for a while.

They got some kinks they need to work out.

[laughing] Oh, my God.

- While I stand in solidarity with the IBS community,

I will not be subscribing to your Substack, OK?

- You won't.

But somebody will.

- Nobody wants to read about all that stuff, Dakota!

- Listen, you win.

People suck, I suck, but I want my money back,

so I need you to tell Parker the truth.

- Well, I keep trying to tell people,

but they don't believe me.

They say they see a twinkle in my eye.

Do you see a twinkle?

- Well, you did heavily imply

that you gave Parker the money.

- Well, I only did that to break your spirit.

- [sighs]

- What is wrong with the men around here?

It's like, Patel, shut up. - Yeah.

- Oh, and that lab tech? Come on.

No way that was the first time

someone told him he looked like Roseanne.

- Totally. Or that biker guy.

Hey, what kind of steel pony you jockeying?

- I said that.

- No, yeah, I mean, I was just setting up context for-

yeah. - Right.

You know, I hate to admit it,

but if you're looking at a crowd of people

and you find something wrong with all of them,

I don't know, maybe it's time you turn to yourself and say,

I have got to get away from these people.

- Yeah, um, for sure.

Or, is it possible-

and this is just something dumb that popped into my head-

maybe your best friend

has been right under your nose this whole time?

- Oh, yeah.

I thought of Ron.

But he's too old, Matty.

- Oh, yeah.

- So yeah, that was kind of dumb.

- Totally. - It's OK. We'll find him.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- All right, here's my bank statement.

Grubhub, Grubhub, Postmates, Grubhub.

No charities, no donations.

- And see, here on my bank statement, right there, $1,000.

- Yeah. Huh. OK. I believe you.

So guys, it looks like Alex is the one who made the donation.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Alex.

- OK, so can I have my money back, please?

- Oh.

Um...

yeah, I already spent that.

[chuckles] I spent all of it.

Ooh.

- Wow. [chuckles]

- How much was this dog surgery?

- Oh, that was covered,

so I used the rest to buy a new TV.

- What? Why would you do that?

- Because the old one was small and this new one is big.

Does that make sense?

- Hey, almost done.

Just checking the seals on the wall base.

- OK, let's cut the crap right now.

I don't know what kind of sick mind game

you're playing with me,

but you and me, we went out on a date.

- What are you talking about?

- You want me to prove it? I'll prove it right now.

Let's see. Look at this. Who does that say?

Michael, Hinge. Because we met on-don't.

Do not look at me like that.

I'm going to text your phone.

Admit it, pervert. - Pervert?

- We French-kissed.

Send.

Yeah, get ready to answer that phone.

It takes-oh. [phone buzzes]

"Who is this? I'm with my kids."

[gasps] Oh.

Oh, no. Oh.

- Honey, if you're watching this,

I do not know this woman.

I have never met this woman.

I love you so much, and I'm going to be home soon.

- Sure, I didn't find my bestie today.

But now I know what I'm looking for.

- Well, you deserve someone great,

so just keep looking.

- Yeah, just got to hunker down and redouble my efforts.

Male friend.

Come on.

Friend who's a male, who is a friend.

Hey.

- Yeah?

- Do you want to come over Saturday night?

We keep jamming on this?

I think we need a little space, right?

Hit it with fresh eyes. Come on, you and me.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Yeah?

- Sure. - OK!

Order some wings, couple six-packs.

Might even be a game on.

- Yeah, that'd be great. - Nice.

- So I know you guys have had some drama today.

But also, your tissue results just came back,

and you are a match to donate your kidney.

- [chuckles]

- Family matches tend to take well.

You could be healthy again soon.

- Healthy.

Sorry, I just, uh- it's a lot, you know?

Uh, obviously, I would be honored to accept your kidney.

Even if you do lord it over me.

- Hey. - Which I know you will.

- Ah. - But that's OK.

I would too.

But I- I also know you want to help.

And that means a lot.

- Wow. OK.

Well, I will call the transplant team

and have them drop by for a chat.

- Thank you very much.

- Yeah, this-this is great.

And all good intel.

And we will-you know, we'll- we'll talk about it.

- Yeah.

We'll talk about it?

We'll talk about it? - We'll talk about it.

- What is there to talk about?

- Well, we're going to figure out-

- Oh, wow, wow.

- OK, no, I knew you were going to do this.

- No, no, no. He did not want to be a match.

He gets the credit. - No.

- He keeps the kidney. - OK, it's an organ that's...

- You know, stays in his body. - Been inside my body

for 40 years.

I think I can have a night to think about-

- Oh, see?

Best of both worlds for this piece of [bleep].

- Again, I really want to apologize.

That was totally inappropriate and completely my fault.

- Hey, it's no harm, no foul. These things happen.

I mean, I really don't know if they do.

But it's fine.

- Thank you. That's very generous.

- Here you go. - OK.

- You, uh, failed your inspection.

- What? - Yeah.

Warped south wall, exposed electrical,

and I saw some faulty sink drainage.

- Uh-how? How?

- Oh, I think your contractor was

what we call in the business a bad contractor.

So let me know when those things are fixed,

and I will send someone else.

Goodbye, Joyce.

["No Scrubs" playing]

- You know, maybe our intentions

are never entirely pure.

But you know what I would call

doing a good thing for a selfish reason?

I would call it doing a good thing.

Whatever my motives are, I can sleep at night.

And that's more than I can say for Parker,

who will be working the night shift for the next six months.

? ?

[bell rings]

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