Original subtitles

[Richard Voiceover] This is Bradford in England

where my father brought me from Scotland when I was 15.

It was a time when everything seemed perfect.

I had this job, a good friend,

even a girlfriend from a nice family.

But I always had this feeling

that there was something else lined up for me.

(somber reggae music)

I heard a voice from heaven saying "Write this.

Happy are the dead who die in the face of Christ.

Henceforth says the spirit,

they may rest from their labors.

For they take with them the records of their deeds."

We have entrusted our brother Leonard

to God's merciful keeping,

and we now commit his body to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life

through our lord Jesus Christ

who died, was buried, and rose again for us.

God will show us the path of life.

In his presence is the fullness of joy

and at his right hand, that is pleasure forevermore.

(camera clicking)

[Richard Voiceover] The moment I saw her,

I knew I was in trouble.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry about your friend.

Leonard Blenkinsop?

He wasn't exactly a friend,

he was more of a business proposition.

I'm an undertaker.

You're serious.

Yes.

This is my kingdom, you might say.

It's peaceful.

So what's brought you to our fair town?

I was passing through on the train and

this place looked nice and so I decided

why not hang out for a while?

How long will you be staying?

Oh, I'm leaving this afternoon.

This afternoon, no.

You can't possibly leave this afternoon.

And why is that?

Well, for one thing, I thought this was getting off

to a great start here.

You know, this friendship thing.

And I just thought I could show you around the town,

get to know you a little bit.

I mean after all you're alone

and you are alone, aren't you?

Yes, I'm alone.

(rock music) (bike bell ringing)

# I'm not content to be with you in the daytime #

# Girl I want to be with you all of the time #

This is the center of operations.

And so, Yes.

Okay, okay, okay.

(camera clicking)

# Girl I want to be with you all of the time #

# All day #

# And all of the night # - Come here!

# All day and all of the night #

Just push the button there, thanks.

Get your hand! (camera clicking)

# I believe that you and me last forever #

# Oh yeah, all day and nighttime #

# You'll leave me never #

I know, come on.

# The only time I'll be all right #

# Is by your side # - Come on!

(woman exclaiming)

# Girl I want to be with you all of the time #

[Woman] Come on, come on!

(actor speaks in foreign language)

(popcorn crunching)

(actress speaks in foreign language)

(actor speaks in foreign language)

Will you watch the film?

(actor speaks in foreign language)

(actress speaks in foreign language)

(actor speaks in foreign language)

(woman giggling)

(light music)

(rock music)

Come on, it can't be that bad.

Come on, relax.

You're about as pressurized as

your granddad's steam gravedigger.

You know, until this afternoon

I don't think I realized

just how bloody miserable I am here.

- Can I have a whiskey please? - Oh that's 'cause you're

hanging on to your dad's business.

Is it what you really want?

Something happened today.

Ah, that bloody tourist!

Yeah, name's Barbara.

She comes from Los Angeles.

Big green eyes, blonde hair, beautiful skin.

Oh she looks like a goddess.

I'm an actress.

[Richard] Wow.

No, that means I wait tables,

smiling at men with beards in case they turn out

to be movie directors.

I love the movies.

[Barbara] Yeah?

(camera clicking) (Richard chuckling)

Yeah.

I do a bit of writing myself.

Oh, you do?

Mhmm, yeah.

Well, for the local rag, you know.

Mmm.

Well, just the obituaries really.

It's kind of a dream of mine to be a real writer.

Actually, I wrote a novel once.

Oozy Suicide.

Great title.

Yeah?

I suppose it was pretty silly.

[Richard Voiceover] Of course it was never published.

And my girlfriend, Joy, said that it was better that way.

Richard, where are you?

What's happened today?

[Richard Voiceover] For an instant I wanted

to tell her everything.

Oh, you know, same thing that happened yesterday.

And the day before yesterday.

Same thing that happens everyday, nothing.

That business of yours.

It's made you this way.

When we get married, daddy will give you the money

to put that funeral parlor back on its feet.

Maybe I don't want to put the funeral parlor

back on its feet.

Maybe I'm sick and bloody tired of it.

Maybe I want to do other things.

Richard, you'll not talk nonsense tonight.

This is daddy's big night

and I'll not allow you to ruin it.

Why is this daddy's big night?

People come here to see the sculptures and the paintings.

He doesn't paint, does he?

Joy.

[Joy] Hello.

Where have you been?

I thought you've gotten lost.

- Oh, no. - Lovely that you could come.

And so young man, what do you think of my exhibition

so far then, eh?

Oh, it's first class, sir, I love your work.

Oh we're very proud, we're very proud.

[Richard Voiceover] I knew I was behaving

like a stupid adolescent.

But I couldn't stop thinking about her.

Oh, Denise, look!

It's Los Angeles!

I went there last year instead of Corfu.

It went grand!

(light music)

[Barbara] Don't worry, really.

Who's worrying?

He's a nice guy.

I can take care of myself.

Oh, that was my dad.

No, no, he died.

He died when I was seven.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

He comes to me and talks to me,

tells me what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.

(light somber rock music)

(thunder rumbling)

[Richard Voiceover] She was the thing

that I'd been waiting for.

I'd been an idiot and hadn't even asked for her address.

I'd missed my chance.

And that should have been the end of that.

Yamashiro, Hollywood.

Thanks, mate.

(energetic rock music)

[Richard Voiceover] I didn't know what was happening.

But I liked it.

I looked out the window and saw adventure.

(car honking)

[Radio Reporter] With a high of 82.

Mostly clear tonight, a low of 60.

I think it's supposed to be warmer tomorrow.

Monday night should be closing in on the 90 degree mark.

Along the Santa Monica, Malibu,

and South Bay beaches,

the surf conditions are (drowned out by rock music)

(woman giggling)

Tell me, monsieur, you are new here.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Jesus!

- Sorry, I am. - You're new.

Yes, yes, I've just come from the airport actually.

(speaks in foreign language) you're English, aren't you?

Scottish actually.

Yes, I can tell your accent.

Hello, Mr. Herman, how you doing?

- Okay? - Jean, so nice to see you.

Take care.

So you're in the business?

Beg your pardon, the business?

Movies.

Oh no no no no.

If you're not into movies in this town

they don't think you're working.

- Who are they? - Hello Jean-Mimi.

Miss Dam.

Voila.

Thank you.

Then, the menu.

Please.

May I suggest you try

our exceptional (speaks in foreign language)?

Right.

Or else, if you'd rather seafood,

they are very fresh today.

You will be served by our beautiful Julie,

she's going to take your order.

Thanks.

So I bid you (speaks in foreign language)

and wish you (speaks in foreign language).

Right, thank you very much.

Okay.

Monsieur?

Mimi, looking good, real good.

Well last weekend I saw Spielberg on the beach in Malibu.

Near my house, so you know.

He was with his brood.

I mean how many kids does this guy have anyway,

looks like about 90.

Anyways, when they got up to go and leave,

they left a hollow in the sand.

And I went over and I sat in that hollow

and I thought, what was going through your mind, Steven?

What was going through that beautiful mind?

Hi, I'm Julie.

Do you want to hear about our special?

Ah, no thanks.

I think I'll just have

the Entertainment Lawyer sandwich, thank you.

Soup or salad?

Super salad?

Yes, thank you.

No, no, soup or salad?

No, thanks, not today.

No, do you want a soup or do you want a salad?

Oh, I see, sorry, sorry, I didn't understand.

Yes, thank you.

I'll have soup, eh, salad.

- One soup? - Right.

[Julie] Okay.

Look, Julie.

This is a little bit embarrassing but

I was wondering if you might be able to help me out.

Do you happen to know if Barbara is working today?

Do you know Barbara?

Yeah I'm a friend of hers from Britain.

Oh my god, you're the one, Richard?

Sorry?

The famous British writer!

I don't think so.

No, no, no, she showed me the picture.

Oh my god.

This isn't Barbara's station

but as soon as she's done, she can come and see you.

Right, thank you very much.

Barbara.

He's here.

- My God he's so cute. - Who?

Julie, who?

Oh, the writer, the British writer, your friend.

Here, you can take this.

Oh.

Take care of this,

- Oh my god. - Take care of mine.

My god, he's so cute.

- Hi. - He's adorable all right.

[Richard Voiceover] She seemed somehow different

than in Bradford.

A bit more guarded.

Or perhaps it was just the uniform.

But still I couldn't grasp

that so gorgeous a woman was coming over,

striding across, to talk to me.

Here you go.

I don't believe this, this is amazing.

You left a clue.

You may call me Sherlock.

Richard, what are you doing here?

I've come to see you smiling at men with beers

and whose to turn out to be film directors.

See, see, I'm growing one, look.

You're crazy.

That's been pointed out before, I'm afraid.

Why didn't you call first?

Aren't you pleased?

I don't know, what do you think?

Excuse me.

Mr. Dirknader is waiting over at table 35.

I suggest you go over there.

Okay, thank you, Sandra.

When can I see you?

Well I have a shoot tomorrow, a photo shoot

so you can come if you like.

Okay, right, yeah.

Okay.

(light rock music)

[Bellboy] Enjoy your stay, ma'am.

(dog yipping)

Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry.

John Wayne once stayed in this very room with his horse.

That's a true story.

Really?

Yes, sir.

Well, you know, Tom and Nicole sometimes

lock themselves away in the penthouse

for days on end.

Yes, sir.

[Richard Voiceover] I couldn't quite believe it.

I was in Los Angeles.

Barbara was here and so was my future.

(dance music)

You from Paris?

Bradford.

Yeah, right.

But you look like a dude I knew in Paris.

You ever been to Paris?

Yeah I have, as a matter of fact.

I'm moving to Paris.

You know how many dogs they have in Paris?

No, I can't say that I do, no.

500,000, I tell you.

And each one of those little mothers

has a squat on the sidewalk at least once a day.

It's a fuck of a lot of dog shit.

(Barbara laughing) But you know what?

[Richard] What?

No bullshit.

If there's one thing I can't stand,

it's bullshit, right baby?

Right.

Do it like you're making it.

Like you think he's pretty cool.

Like you really, really wanna eat this Jesus dude, huh?

Really?

I'm talking high concept here, huh.

I mean you know, Derring parody.

It's not like it's Jesus and the Madonna.

It's Jesus and,

Mary Magdalene.

Excuse me, sorry, but isn't this

a tiny bit blasphemous?

That's cool, Mary Magdalene,

the bad one, huh?

England, what kind of stuff do you write?

Oh.

Profiles, features, novels.

Nice.

Obituaries, you know, usual sort of thing.

You know who would make a great subject, huh?

Me.

That's good.

For an obituary?

For a story, dumpster.

Hey can you make yourself useful, huh,

will you get me that 500 millimeter down there?

Okay, we're going.

Yeah, going.

Yeah, see.

Okay that's right.

- Here. (snake rattling)

Snakes!

[Photographer] They'll only bite

if they're good mad, don't worry.

Looks good mad to me.

Yeah, the Indians would never kill a rattler.

They'd keep them in cages and collect their venom

for a sexual stimulant.

That is the biggest bloody thing I have ever seen!

Yeah, that's what women tend to say about me,

which I'm hoping Barbie here will soon find out.

What do you say we dump old England here, huh?

We find ourselves a hot tub, huh,

we get truly creative with the sperm instrument, you know?

[Barbara] Get your slimy paws off of me!

Slimy, I like that one.

- Get your hands off me! - Hey, hey, hey, enough.

Hey, back off, asshole.

(punch bashing)

(knee bashing) - Agh!

(camera whacking)

Shit!

I've had it with men and their testosterone bullshit.

Give me my camera, man.

Stop, you're gonna break it, huh,

you trying to kill me?

Give me the camera!

There'll be one less creep to worry about.

And you!

[Richard] What did I do?

I just thought you might be different.

Fine then, it's fine then, yeah.

Listen, Barbie.

You gonna ride back with me or not, huh?

Or do you wanna stay here in the desert

with Lawrence of Arabia?

Get lost, Michael.

[Michael] Oh, here.

Thank you.

(car revving)

(hubcap clinking)

(light guitar music)

I suppose we're walking then, huh?

Yup, you and me.

How long have we been walking?

I don't know, it feels like days.

My feet are so-

It's a car!

Oh!

- Oh my gosh. - Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me. - Hi.

Can you take us into town?

- Oh! - Oh, fantastic.

[Barbara] Oh my gosh.

# The things worked out okay for now #

[Barbara] Look who it is.

[Richard] I think this is you, mate.

[Barbara] Sucker! (laughing)

# To disappear without a trace #

- Bye, see ya. - Bye.

Thank you very much indeed, cheers.

Bye.

Yes he is, isn't he?

[Richard] Who is?

He's really nice.

Yeah, I can feel it. (giggling)

Your father?

You remember.

Why wouldn't I?

Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?

He was here just now.

And?

And he tells me he likes you.

You know, I think we should be married

at once, immediately.

Oh.

(men laughing)

Oh, shit.

- Oh shit! - It wasn't that bad.

Richard.

Oh damn, this is all happening too fast.

Just play along, okay?

Patterson!

Hey, Barbie!

- Hi. - Baby!

What are you doing here?

I thought you had some photo session or something.

Oh, yeah, we just got back.

Oh, hey guys, I want you to meet Barbara here.

She's a huge talent.

Ha-huge.

Who's your friend here?

Oh, this is Richard.

He's the photographer of the shoot today.

Oh, hey, how are you doing?

Good session?

Shouldn't be too hard, right?

She's beautiful, isn't she?

Oh yes, very.

Listen, we're just on our way to a screening at Universal.

You wanna come?

Oh yeah, that'd be great.

We'll save you a seat.

Let's go, guys.

Thanks for playing along.

No, that's okay.

He wants to talk to you.

No, no, we gotta go, man.

We gotta go.

No, I mean,

you're a wonderful, beautiful, talented person.

Only on Mars would you have no boyfriend.

Or in certain areas of San Francisco

where I understand the entire male population

is almost entirely homosexual.

No, I'm okay.

I'm okay.

No, I'm not, I'm shattered.

No, no, no, Richard.

It's strictly professional between me and Patterson.

Really?

Richard, why did you come here?

Really, why?

Because of you.

Could you do me another favor?

Sure.

Could you take my car and

- bring it back. - Is she coming?

- Come on. - To the hotel?

Is that okay?

Oh, no but I don't drive.

What? (laughing)

Now I know you're joking.

You're so funny.

Thanks, I'll see you later.

No, I'm not kidding

about any of it.

(car starting)

(hectic music) (tires screeching)

No, no, no!

Fucking shit.

(tires screeching)

No, go back, bloody...

(drivers screaming) (horns honking)

[Cop] The car stays here.

Okay.

Move along.

Sorry.

Welcome to L.A.

Thanks.

# And you know with the mother keeping sister #

# It's LA without a map #

# That's right #

# Guaranteed to rock the night to the daylight #

# Got my homies rolling with me on this bus ride #

# And you know it's a must I keep my shit tight #

# Them niggas on the other side just can't hang with us #

# I'm cold up on the rough tough and dangerous #

# The RTD #

# For you who didn't know I'm giving up the year ride #

# Without the back window #

# Smoking weed with my homeboys laughing and bagging #

Sorry.

(phone ringing)

Barbara!

[Joy] Richard?

Tell me what you're doing in California.

I'm not sure.

You mean you're screwing some girl?

Not exactly.

[Joy] What do you mean exactly?

[Richard] I'm not sure.

Oh, fuck you Richard, fuck you!

(phone slamming)

(somber guitar music)

(chill R&B music)

Shit, shit, shit!

Shit, shit!

Get off the car, you little gob shites!

Bugger off!

Fuck, fuck!

Um, ooh.

(roof whirring)

Yo, dude, yo.

Yo, dude.

- Fuck it! (door slamming)

Yo, bro.

Yo, bro.

Just chill out, bro.

Bummer, bro, but,

let me give you a piece of advice, bro.

Never, and I mean never park your wheels

on this block, bro.

It's not that kind of hood, bro.

Yo, look what they did.

Yo.

Excuse me, are you renting this flat here?

Not me personally bro.

But I do have the keys.

And if you would like to see the spacious palazzo,

I can show it to you.

Yeah I'd like that.

Yo, bro, they took all your tired, bro.

- Yeah I know. - That's not cool.

Yo, don't worry about it, come on.

Come on, don't worry about it, it's cool.

Yo, this is my car here.

Yo, this is it.

It's a little dusty right now.

But it'll clean up good.

Yo, that's the refrigerator, bro.

That's cool.

Put your snacks in there, bro.

So who lived here before?

Yo, I never met the dude, bro.

Saw him around a couple times.

I think he was into that karate shit, bro.

You see the posters?

[Richard] Yeah.

One day the cops came and they took him away.

Yo, bro.

Fuck, what is that?

Oh.

Oh, yo.

Oh, don't worry bro, it's dead.

You see?

- Oh god. - It's dead.

Yo, you still want to live here, I hope, bro, yo.

Yeah, I suppose so.

(phone ringing)

Yamashiro.

[Richard] Barbara?

Yeah?

[Richard] It's Richard.

Oh, Richard, hi.

[Richard] I've just rented an apartment.

An apartment, where?

[Richard] Little Union?

Oh no.

So you're staying?

Yeah, well, that's the idea.

Don't you want me to?

Well, let's just say,

you're cute and we'll see what happens.

All right, so I'm cute.

When can I get to see you again?

Well not today 'cause I'm working but

why don't you just call me tomorrow and then we'll see.

And don't park the car in the street, okay?

(loud hip hop music)

No, of course not, don't be silly.

(hectic music)

This!

(spray hissing)

Great.

So, what you reckon, Johnny?

Can you live here?

(crickets chirping)

(knobs squeaking)

(fist banging)

(Richard sighing)

(door knocking)

Hey, Moss.

You know your Oldsmobile, bro?

Oh no,

- it's missing now. - Yo, relax, relax,

yo dude, relax, yo.

I talked to a couple of the homies, right?

They figured you're a neighbor now

which is like family, right?

So I pulled a few favors and, tada.

Check it out, bro.

Oh my god.

This is fantastic!

This is, this is, this is...

Who can I thank?

- Thank you so much! - Yo, yo hey.

- Alright, alright, alright. - Thank you.

- Thank you very much. - Yo, yo, yo, yo.

- Moss is cool. - Oh, fuck!

[Moss] Moss is cool.

Yo, Richie!

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

Fuck shit, oh!

Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks,

go on you fucking bastard you, go on!

(electricity zapping) (Richard screaming)

Yo, Richie.

Yo, the lights are off, bro.

Yo, I think I know what it is, bro.

Yo bro, it was the mains, man.

Yo, mains, man.

You the means man.

Yo bro, I'm hungry.

But yo, you fucked up this hotdog, bro,

cooked it too much.

(hip hop bass thumping)

Oh my gosh.

(door knocking)

Hi!

[Barbara] Hi!

Hey, I'm really pleased to see you.

Yeah, that goes for me too.

Come on in.

Ah, maybe later.

Let's go for a ride first.

Yeah, okay.

[Barbara] Um, keys?

Keys, keys, good point, yes keys.

And the car keys.

Oh, my car.

Look, got my own orange tree.

Pretty good, huh?

They're everywhere, Richard.

I talked to my father again.

And?

And he suggested lunch.

Great!

I could certainly eat.

He wants us all to get along.

All?

Yeah, you and me and Patterson.

Patterson?

Just play along, okay?

Sure, it'll all be very jolly.

Fuckin' fabulous.

(birds squawking)

[Announcer] He passes just to the end zone.

It's tipped!

Touchdown, game over Wildcats!

My god, they lost!

Oh, poor baby.

They lost.

It's like my parents died.

- [Richard Voiceover] Very soon I saw Patterson

for what he really was.

Trying hard for that smoldering James Dean look

but not nearly as laid back as he wanted to be.

I wanted to knock his fucking block off.

Barbara tells me you're a rising young director.

Patterson, why don't you tell him about

what you're working on right now?

Oh, yeah.

Everyone's hot for it.

Even Spielberg and the Dream Team are interested.

Oh yeah, no, this is great.

I got the first act, I've got the characters.

I just gotta get the plot.

It's like Aliens, but with cats.

And no outer space monsters, just cats.

(laughing) That's cool, huh?

Genius, isn't it?

Yeah.

I suppose you could call it Apocalypse Meow.

You trying to be funny?

I beg your pardon?

Hey, I just dreamed a film.

You wanna share?

There's this guy, he's really cool, he's our hero.

And he really wants this chick, you know?

He really digs her.

That could be me.

Oh absolutely, that's a done deal.

Anyway, and then there's this other guy, total loser.

He tries to steal the chick away from the hero

when he's not looking.

A right bastard, you mean.

Yeah sure, whatever.

Anyway.

The three of them, they go caving.

You ever been caving, Dick?

No.

Anyway.

So the three of them are crawling through a cave

with the hero just a little bit behind, you know?

And they get the end, to the end of this tunnel.

The camera pulls back

and there's absolutely nothing.

I mean this cliff, it's an incredible drop.

And the hero says "We can't go back.

We have to go down.

You two first on separate rows for safety."

You like it so far, Richard?

Well, it's a bit obvious

- isn't it? - It gets better, okay?

'Cause this loser is so stupid

and he just eases himself over the cliff.

He starts going down, I mean he's begging for it, right?

And the chick is behind him and she's watching him,

and then suddenly boom, the rope snaps!

He starts spinning in space.

He's spinning like (screaming).

It's the worst scream that you've ever heard

before in your life.

It's like a girl.

And she's just crying.

She grabs on to the edge of this rock,

in the little crack on this rock face

and her fingernails are bleeding.

And the hero is just smiling.

He pulls out the largest hunting knife

in the history of the world

and he starts cutting the rope.

And then the dude just walks away.

And he's laughing because he knows

that she can maybe hang for 30 seconds tops.

But she is going to fall and die like the loser.

Camera pulls in for a closeup.

We see the fear.

Cut, roll credits.

I thought maybe Richard here could play the loser.

Patterson!

I'm just kidding, man.

[Barbara] (chuckling) Hi, I'm Barbara.

Sorry, I'm busy, can't get to the phone.

Yo, Richie.

That Patterson bum has got no chance with that chick.

All you gotta do is be cool, daddy, very cool.

Wait the dude out.

He'll blow it.

Those pretty boys, they always blow it.

Yeah?

Well, I hope you're right.

Can you say amen?

[Richard] Amen?

Yeah, like you mean it, you know,

you really mean it.

Amen?

Like God is cool, you know, you like him.

And you really believe it, you know.

Just be cool, it'll be cool.

This is gonna be cool.

Hey, Mr. McCrea, this is my friend Richie

I told you about.

[Richard] Hi.

- [Moss] This is Mr. McCrea, he's the boss here.

You can vouch for him?

Oh yeah, he's real cool, man.

He's a cool dude.

- It's Mr. McCrea. - Sit.

Okay.

You stay there, Richie.

You see, my son,

we don't have inclement weather here in Los Angeles.

God understands that we can't handle it emotionally.

So he has given us the sun.

And he has given us the swimming pools.

That's cool.

God also understands that people do not want dirt

in their swimming pools.

That's why he told me to start Clean Blue Yonder.

It is my mission from him.

And now my son, it is yours.

That's cool.

Yo.

Amen!

Besides, these people are spooky here, they're spooky.

One time I had this gig.

I had to clean a dead chihuahua out of a swimming pool.

Looked like a little dead rat.

Dude comes up to me

and he says "Yo, you want to join an oral sex party?"

I said "Whoah."

Lasted three days. (laughing)

[Richard] Let's go and save some pools.

(light rock music)

Oh, look at that.

Oh, ugh.

Oh, that's eerie, man.

[Richard] I'm not jumping in there, Moss.

Don't even smell.

Not for Jesus or anyone else.

[Moss] Look at it, ugh.

We just got up this morning and there it was.

It's gotten worse.

Ugh, it's really weird

like being in a horror movie or something.

Yeah it's weird.

Niko says it's probably got something to do

with the comet.

Yeah, that sounds like it, comet.

All sorts of weird stuff happen.

Storms, assassinations.

Hit movies with MGM. (laughing)

Hale-Bopp?

That's it.

[Richard] Yeah, it's gone now.

I mean it's been gone for some time.

Oh, but Niko says it's gotta be around someplace, right,

exerting its baleful influence.

Anyway, can you fix it?

Oh, hey, that's cool, yeah.

I could fix it, you know,

but I'm gonna have to do it in stages.

Just as long as the job gets done.

Okay.

It could get done, right, that's cool.

Oh. (sighing)

I mean this job has some serious strokes, bro, I'm serious.

Must be the winds or something, I don't know.

But it's cool, very cool.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Just relax.

Cool, daddy.

I just wanna ask her if it might be possible

for just the two of us to get together, you know?

Sometime ever.

Yeah, oh!

(tires screeching)

What the hell was that?!

Yo, bro, parking spot.

(guests chattering) (Moss singing indistinctly)

That's the maybe fifth time I seen you in here

creaming off over that guitar.

You gonna buy it or what?

Yeah, Barbara, it's Richard again.

I'll keep trying, bye.

(rock guitar strumming)

There's a real musician, a guy from Motley Crue.

He'll be in here tomorrow buying that axe.

No he won't actually.

Because I'm gonna buy it right now.

You're kidding, no Richie.

No, Richie, Richie, no.

No, no, it's all right, it's all right.

Yo, yo.

(Moss mumbling)

[Richard Voiceover] That was the end of my credit.

But I was happy that I could help Moss out.

Otherwise, things were going about as well

as one of my funerals.

You came 10,000 miles

to see a chick, bro, yo.

You don't even know if she's gonna be here, bro.

Correct.

Never,

date a chick, bro,

unless she is less than 27 minutes drive

from the freeway road.

Never.

Why?

'Cause 27 is cool, bro.

Yo, intercontinental, bro.

Yo, that's not cool.

27's cool, real cool.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Barbara?

Yeah, of course, when?

Yeah, whereabout?

Fantastic, bye!

(energetic music)

(Barbara giggling)

Wait!

(both laughing)

[Barbara] I won, I won!

[Richard] Why can't you make it without Patterson?

[Barbara] That's not the way it works in L.A.

Hey, let's not talk about this anymore, okay?

[Richard] What's gonna happen to us?

[Barbara] I don't know.

Just be my friend, okay?

[Richard] Forget Patterson.

Hold me?

Richard, promise me you came to L.A. just for me.

I'd have gone to the north pole.

Of course, California's warmer.

(Barbara giggling)

[Richard Voiceover] It was incredible.

I wash holding her in my arms.

It had happened, I had made it happen.

My life was transformed.

My fantasy had sprung to life.

I'd arrived.

[Barbara] Which one is he?

[Richard] There, you see the man with the golden guitar?

[Barbara] Oh my god he's adorable!

(upbeat music)

# My car is burning wheels are turning #

# To any direction #

# We all know the deal that's on the wheel #

# For a connection #

# Hey hey hey creepy connection #

# Get the rhythm in your bone and you'll never be alone #

# There's a connection #

# He's read your toast, it looks like you have #

# No intention #

# Hey hey hey creepy connection #

[Richard Voiceover] Tonight was a big thing for Moss.

But for me, a small time boy,

it was frankly an eye opener.

I saw myself in a line of the great dancers.

Astaire, Kelly, Travolta.

Men whose every move was a little bit of lovemaking.

(rock guitar solo)

Hey, Moss. Hey!

You are a rock god.

He is a rock god.

(Barbara laughing) - Hey, how you doing?

This is Barbara.

- Hey Barbara, how are you? - Oh, hello.

- Oh Barbara, oh. - Glad to meet you.

Heard a lot about you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, good things, he said good things.

And this is Julie.

Hi, how are you, nice to meet you.

Wow.

Awesome chicks.

Pretty cool, yo.

Must be the accent, right?

Maybe.

Maybe it's his outfit, it's pretty crazy.

What'd you think, yeah?

It's cool, it's different.

Yeah, it's different.

Me and Otis Redding used to always say, you know,

vive le funky de frunk, you know?

I really like your outfit too, it's really good.

It's really wild.

Oh, thank you, I made it myself.

Wow.

How about I devote the rest of my life to you?

Then maybe I could take it off later with my teeth?

(Julie laughing)

I love your banana.

My what?

Your banana, that's what

- regularly my friends say. - Oh, my hair, yeah.

Well it's with the band, you know.

It comes with the gig, you know?

You're really good looking.

(laughing) Really?

You're all giggly too, I like it.

Giggly's cool.

You wanna go backstage with me?

Go on, go.

Be cool.

Come, come.

This way, yeah.

[Richard] That was quick, I'd say.

Mm, you didn't waste too much time either.

Look, after you left,

I couldn't think of anything else.

[Barbara] Oh, no.

I couldn't, I couldn't sleep.

I swear to God.

I was so in love with you.

I was terrified that I would never see you again.

But not anymore.

(Barbara laughing)

I want to steal a kiss. (woman laughing)

That bastard!

I don't believe it, not again.

Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, leave it.

Hi.

Hey.

Barbie, baby.

Oh!

[Barbara] Don't call me Barbie,

I'm not some dumb blonde toy!

Oh well, that's a matter of opinion.

Stay out of this, Sandra.

Listen.

I can explain whatever you saw.

[Barbara] Oh, no no no.

I'm not admitting that you saw anything.

And who are you to say?

What the hell were you doing a minute ago

with Benny Hill's idiot brother here?

I'm not discussing this anymore.

I'm leaving.

[Richard] Are you?

Buhbye.

Bitch, not without me, you're not!

Patterson!

Bastard.

Hey, Barbie, come on!

I expected so much more from you!

Oh, come on Barbie.

You know I'm crazy about you

but it's your talent I'm interested in.

Yeah, you have a great body

but that is purely in the secondary.

That's why there's women like Sandra

who will always be a Twinkie hostess.

And then there's women like you

who'll be stars.

Come on, Barbie.

You shit.

You condescending asshole!

I don't like Sandra but that's pretty cold

the way you're using her.

But go ahead, Patterson.

You can fulfill your needs

with half the women of the club for all I care

because you know what?

I don't need you anymore.

I don't want to see you,

I don't even want to think about you.

I'm free.

Yeah.

We're leaving.

Sorry, Patterson.

You keep out of this, Mr. Cute English Accent.

I'm from Scotland!

Yeah, whatever.

Nobody goes no place

until Barbara and I have finished talking uninterrupted!

No, Patterson, there's nothing more to be said.

But, Barbie.

Hey, hey, hey.

You heard what she said, all right?

Patterson!

(punch bashing) No!

(Richard screaming)

What are you doing?

Ah, you bastard!

- No! (punches bashing)

[Barbara] Oh my god.

Yeah, come on, tough guy.

Get up.

[Barbara] Patterson, you're such a macho creep.

[Moss] Dude.

- Yo dude! - Richard.

Is he dead?

I don't know, Richard.

- Wake up. - Yo.

Get him, bro.

Yeah, oh, are you all right?

Yeah.

- Are you? - If I say now,

- I want you to kill him. - Yeah, I'm fine.

- I'm fine. - All right?

If I say kill him

I want you's all to kill him, bro.

See you, mate.

- Come on, come on. - Sorry.

Look after him, guys, eh? (laughing)

Yo guys,

- good show, bro. - Sorry, we would stay

but we have to, Good show.

- It was cool. - We have to run.

It's a love thing, you know.

[Barbara] It's urgent.

# Are we turn are we turning #

Am I too quick or am I too easy?

You're cool.

(light music)

# I dream of your first kiss and then #

# I feel upon my lips again #

# The taste of honey, the taste of honey #

# Tasting much sweeter than wine #

# Oh I will return #

# Yes I will return #

# I'll come back #

# For the honey and you #

Come on, Julie.

Hey, listen.

Me and Julie, we're a little wiped out, you know?

And we were gonna go, maybe go inside, you know,

get a room so we can get some, you know,

Some sex!

- I want some sex. - Oh.

Huge amount of sex.

Sex in Ben and Jerry size portion.

Yo, that's big, that's a lot of sex.

Anyway, your friend, she's really cool, man.

Okay, so I'll see you later, all right, Richie?

[Barbara] Take care of her.

I will, ma'am.

Hey, man.

Hey, that's a cool car.

You got the same color as us.

Yeah, that's cool.

(light music)

[Barbara] My mother.

Truly one of the greatest moment grabbers.

Did I ever tell you about her?

[Richard] No, just about your father.

Well after my father died,

my mother wanted to get away from California

so we moved to upstate New York.

And her second husband was this guy

by the name of Jerry, a real estate guy from Rochester.

And then there was John and Eric,

and then this Welsh guy named Brynn.

Brynn? (laughing)

(chuckling) And she married Carl up in Palo Alto.

He was some sort of record

because she'd only been with him for about a week.

She said the first six days was fine

but it was the seventh that was the problem.

I love my mom, but,

I just know it would be a tragedy if I turned out like her.

[Richard] Yeah.

When I get married, I want it to mean something.

You know?

Me too.

# I can be something #

# And I could be someone #

# And I can be something #

# Oh yeah #

Okay.

I want a double cheeseburger, medium fries and a Coke.

Right.

[Barbara] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Give me those glasses.

Aye aye, ma'am.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, what do they have for dessert?

Oh, stupid question, girl.

How could you know what they're serving for dessert?

It's probably the Lucky Star apple gorge burger

with cheese wrapped in a choux pastry crust.

Mm, sounds good, I'll take five.

Five?

Mm, no, you better make it six.

In case I feel peckish later.

Oh, and Richard?

Yes?

Let's do it.

I beg your pardon?

Let's do it.

Do what?

Get married. (giggling)

You mean it?

I really think I do.

(organ music)

Yo.

Good, good, good.

Very good.

Now, by the powers invested in me by the state of Nevada

I now...

Declare you man and wife.

And...

Ring.

Woop! (chuckling)

And now you can kiss the bride.

Go ahead, go ahead, be happy!

Yeehah!

(dance music)

# Is it asking too much to be given time #

# To know these songs and to sing them #

# Is it asking too much of my faith and smile #

# And my laugh and lies that bring them #

# But as the stars are going out #

# I mistake this for a nothing #

# Our friends have all but gone #

# For my life, my god I'm singing #

# We'll take our hearts outside #

# Leave our lives behind #

# I watch the stars go out #

# We'll take our hearts outside #

# Leave our lives behind #

# I'll watch the stars go out #

[Richard Voiceover] And so it happened at last.

All in one night, I had found romance

and won my true love.

The hard part was over.

From now on, everything would be plain sailing.

[Barbara] You know what I can do?

I can ask-

Oh, excuse me.

So, sorry.

So I'll see you tomorrow, right?

Okay, tomorrow then, bye.

Richard, I'm on the phone!

Come on, Barbara.

We haven't had our portion yet today.

No, no, no, no!

Listen!

I have an audition tomorrow

for a lead role in a film.

Hey, congratulations.

Hey, I'm not done yet.

And I also got an appointment with an agent.

Hey, many congratulations.

No.

Richard, it's for you, honey, it's for you.

Me?

Yes.

Why?

Richard.

You are not gonna be cleaning pools

for the rest of your life.

Well.

Honey, this is a great opportunity.

I mean, who knows?

One day you'll be writing a script for me.

We'll be like Marilyn and Arthur.

Honey, what's wrong?

Oh, don't be like that, come here.

[Richard] Mmm.

[Barbara] You're hungry, aren't you?

[Richard] Oh, yeah.

[Barbara] You're so yum yum yum!

(Richard barking)

(Barbara yipping)

(Richard growling)

[Man] Remind me to call Orin at Fox.

We gotta go over the TV spots.

They seem to think I'd made a film about a horse

and not a lover.

[Woman] Thank you.

[Man] Thank you very much.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I'm gonna talk to you later.

Good, I'll call.

You must be Richard.

[Richard] Hi.

Oh, look at you.

Don't you look good.

I'll catch you later.

Okay.

Okay?

What I'll catch, I'm not sure.

Well, I'm loud, I'm boisterous, I'm very well known.

Talk to me.

Well, I've written this novel.

Novel?

Ooh, that's really thick.

We call these treatments these days.

Look, I don't have to tell you

how hard it is to break into the screenwriting business.

This is Los Angeles.

Even my manicurist wants to be Quentin Tarantino

which reminds me.

Sonia.

Yeah, dear.

Did we get that appointment moved to Friday?

Uh huh, yeah.

- Here you are. - Oh, good girl.

And see if David and Marna are available.

Yeah, yeah. (laughing)

On the weekend identity crisis.

All right, bye bye.

Anyway, you have an angle though,

don't you, Richard?

Do I?

Yes, your angle.

It's that you're English.

Scottish.

That's nice.

Anyway, the main virtue of your particular angle,

being English, is being English in England.

Like Mr. Bean.

Otherwise you're just another hustler here

with a cute accent.

However, I think that I can work with you.

(phone ringing) Oh.

(laughing)

The bottom line.

You're a writer, I'll give you a consonant and a vowel.

B.O.

I'm not talking about what you wipe off your skin

with your Paris English soap.

I'm talking about box office, box office, box office.

Something that the kids can relate to.

Now I'm ridiculously young myself

for being as successful as I am.

Millionaire already.

So I have an understanding of these things.

Is this like a high concept?

If you insist.

Sex, defiance of authority, destruction of property,

wanton violence, bloodshed on a massive scale,

preferably all of the above, with a twist.

Well, sounds like a cinch.

Oh, yeah.

All right, I'll give it a sniff.

In the meantime you come up with some real ideas.

Maybe we'll do lunch.

[Richard] Great, yeah.

Oh, and remember.

High concept.

(typewriter clacking)

(laughing) Woo, oh my gosh!

Let's go somewhere.

Let's call Moss and Julie.

We'll go to the Speedzone!

What's the Speedzone?

[Barbara] God, I could party for days.

What's happened?

Well, everything happened.

I had a great audition, that's what happened.

The producer says I'm easily the best

they've seen so far, easily.

So they'll let me know in a few days, yay!

[Richard] And what about the director?

I'll meet him later.

I suddenly felt so free in front of the camera.

It was great.

(Julie giggling)

It was better than sex, definitely.

Oh, better than some sex.

(light rock music)

I'm right behind you!

Ah!

Woo!

Oh, wimps!

- [Richard Voiceover] I wondered how I'd feel

if she made it.

Of course, I want to be delighted for her.

But I wasn't quite sure.

I'd never imagined her in someone else's movie.

(guests chattering)

Oh.

Richard, why don't you go get us some drinks?

Some kamikazes and I'll meet you by the pool?

- Yeah, okay. - Okay.

I am a lawyer.

[Barbara] Ooh, excuse me.

Hi.

What's your name?

# Hollywood, forever young, forever good #

[Woman] Saves time, I guess.

[Michael] You have the most beautiful mouth

I've ever seen.

[Woman] Do you really think so?

You know I do.

I had silicone injection to my lips,

to make them swell, you know?

I wanted to look just like Julia Roberts.

And you do, you really do.

I'll be really interested

in taking your picture sometime soon.

Hey, man, what's wrong?

This dude over there just played me his demo tape.

It was like a total Ramones ripoff band.

And then he told me that he just signed

with Bro Records, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

That's a shame.

Yeah well it's not just a shame, bro.

That company's had my demo for like a year, bro.

And they haven't even listened to it yet.

It's like I'd have to hold a gun to their head

to get them to listen to my demo, bro.

But I'm just not into guns, you know?

And I know, I know this dude is gonna sell a million records

'cause fakes do that, bro.

But that's cool, you know?

You mean there's someone over there

who's going to be someone?

Come on, guys.

Let's go and find Barbara.

Oh, hello.

[Man] He's gonna be perfect for those.

Barbara?

Oh, thank you, sweety.

I want you to come meet my producer.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm Joel. - This is Richard.

- Hi. - Hi.

This is Moss, this is Julie.

Hello.

You must be Barbara's friend.

Husband, actually.

- Yeah. - Yeah, right.

When I look at Barbara, I see a glow,

a tenderness, but something tough as well.

Like hot iron in the fire.

Like a young Ingrid Bergman.

Oh, thank you.

Isn't he sweet? (laughing)

Except blonde.

Yeah, right, right!

I have high hopes.

I have very high hopes indeed.

Now would you excuse us for a moment?

I would like to finish our discussion.

Oh, yes.

- About a part. - Yeah.

We'll be right back.

Before my director shows up.

- Yeah, see you. - Okay.

- And see, don't worry. - Be cool, bro.

[Julie] Great, he's seen her fucking glow?

No, I see a glow, I think she glows.

Bro, she's your wife, I hope she glows.

Oh, shit!

What?

Patterson.

I mean, I'm a producer.

Talk to my, I mean I'm a producer but I want to direct.

And I think I should be directing, I mean.

Hey!

You look great!

- Thank you. - Wow.

Do you two know each other?

Well I should hope so.

He's my director.

He's the director!

That's great!

Oh, congratulations.

Well this is wonderful.

Richard, isn't this great?

Come on, let's get some more drinks.

[Joel] Okay, gonna go get some more drinks.

[Patterson] How you doing, Richard?

Fine.

Good.

Yo, this game ain't cool, bro.

Hey, what's up?

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Bye.

Hey, Richard.

Be cool, bro, I'm right here, bro.

Thanks for caring.

Oh, I care.

Believe me, I care.

I tell you mate, I care so much

that I'm gonna make a bet with you.

You name the stakes, 1,000,

10,000, 20,000.

Anything you'd like, it's up to you.

A bet, whatever for?

I'll never give up.

No, I really don't know what you're talking about.

Richard, you just decide on the amount

and I'll just take the money.

She's too much for you, why can't you just admit it?

She needs a much more powerful jockey.

So, how are you two doing?

You getting along?

Like I said, Barbie, baby.

Richard and I are gonna be best buddies.

Here's to you, Barbara, and your success.

[Barbara] Cheers.

What the fuck is this?

[Barbara] West Coast Shade, isn't it great?

[Patterson] 12 of these, and you really know

you've had a drink.

(tense music)

(Barbara screaming)

(Patterson and Barbara laughing)

(Richard grunting)

(Richard screaming)

(kid crying in distance)

Barbara?

What happened last night?

Do you know where she is?

Oh, shit.

I behaved badly.

Very badly indeed.

(water splashing)

Oh, god.

(door clacking)

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

[Barbara] Richard?

(Barbara gasping)

Hi.

Richard.

- [Richard Voiceover] It must have been worse

than I feared.

Boy, you were really out of it last night.

Aren't you gonna come out of the closet?

Certainly.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, you made a complete asshole of yourself last night.

How about this one.

My grandmother is 83

and she doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle!

[Barbara] And then you challenged Patterson to a duel.

You're kidding.

Did I win?

Stop it, I'm not joking.

And then...

(men singing and blabbering)

(water splashing)

Barbara, look, I know I went overboard last night

but I was set up.

Oh, Richard, don't make excuses.

You are an adult.

No, look, I mean it.

You don't seem to see things

the way they are sometimes.

I just can't stand by and let that happen.

So what, you get drunk?

No.

No, that's not what I, look!

Look, all these things that are happening,

don't you see Patterson is just playing with you.

You're just another conquest to him, that's all.

Oh really, so what am I to you?

Richard, I don't know how much longer

I can handle this jealousy thing of yours.

You gotta lighten up!

(light guitar music)

Roberto?

Roberto!

[Richard Voiceover] Beg your pardon?

Don't you remember the party at the old warehouse?

The one with the old rock videos.

And Millie did the trick with the peach.

I'm sorry, I really wasn't at that party.

The trick with the peach sounds interesting though.

But you're English.

Don't you wanna tie me up?

Let's go to my apartment.

Let's go right now.

I have got to go now, excuse me.

What's the matter, huh?

[Takowsky] I have to pretend I'm interested

in what this person is selling me for almost 15 minutes.

(phone ringing)

Speak.

[Richard] Hi, it's Richard.

Well, hello, if it isn't David Lee.

(laughing) That's a little joke, he's dead.

Hello Richie, I'm sorry I couldn't make

our lunch appointment today.

I had to go visit my tailor about my new suits.

Anyway, I've got a little time now.

Well, Mr. Takowsky, I just wondered

if you had a chance to look over my Oozy Suicide.

Of course I have, Ricardo.

And I've gotta tell you, you've got a reasonably good

lesbian art movie, but that's about it.

Got any other ideas?

Well, yeah, I have as a matter of fact.

[Takowsky] Amaze me.

Okay, a rock star gets kidnapped by terrorists,

held ransom and then rescued by a teenage girl,

a fan who has been taught martial arts

by her mother who's a widowed rape victim.

So the fan and the girl, they get married,

they go to live in Colorado.

No, way too depressing.

Pitch me another one.

Right.

Robin Williams, he has a sex change.

He becomes America's first female leader.

- Almost, been done. (men laughing)

Mrs. Doubtfire.

A rock and roll version of Jurassic Park.

Say, Richie, I actually kind of like

the sound of that one.

Maybe we get Jon Bon Jovi to play one of the dinosaurs,

huh, huh? (laughing)

Keep up the good work, kiddo.

Buh-bye.

Okay, bye.

[Bartender] Submarine movies.

Excuse me?

You should have said submarine movies.

I got this great idea about u-boats, convoys, torpedoes,

and machines going ping, ping, ping.

Sell you the treatment for 300,

perfect for Harrison Ford.

No, thanks, maybe some other time.

[Bartender] No?

All right, well you had your chance.

[Man] Peace has been knocking on the door

of your heart today.

Peace has been knocking on the door of your heart today.

[Richard] Hi.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

What's the matter?

Can't you guess?

Patterson?

I didn't get the part.

Ah.

(somber music)

There'll be others.

Don't let it get to you.

I won't.

I'll show them.

My mother said something to me when I was little.

She was going on vacation and she wanted me

to stay with my aunt.

Boy, was she a monster.

I told my mom "This isn't fair."

And then she snapped back at me

and said "Life isn't fair."

I was only mad at her for a little bit because

even at seven, you already know how it is.

And when you grow up,

you try and you try to make it different.

Sometimes it is, and sometimes it just isn't.

Life isn't fair.

We've got each other.

Yeah, I guess.

Let's go somewhere.

Let's call Julie and Moss.

(men singing in foreign language)

We gotta try to cheer her up.

Yeah, but it's bad luck.

Yo, the dude said "If you fuck me I'll put you in my film.

If you don't, I won't."

That's not bad luck, bro, that's not cool.

Patterson told Barbara she could have the part

if she went to bed with him?

If she fucked him.

She didn't mention it?

No.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I thought you knew.

It's all right.

Why didn't you tell me?

About what?

About the part and Patterson.

There didn't seem much point.

What did he say?

Didn't Julie tell you?

What did he say exactly?

Does it matter?

Yeah, I'd like to know.

Just drop it, Richard.

You were tempted, weren't you.

What?

What do you want me to say?

That I was at the point of fucking him

but I held back?

So you were tempted.

All right, I was tempted!

I would have done anything for that part.

I was tempted but I didn't do it.

Are you satisfied?

Yeah, don't worry about it, Richie.

It's cool.

[Richard Voiceover] And there were other things.

As soon as she locked her legs around my body.

When actually she began to moan and groan

and get really excited, I yelled.

[Richard] Hallelujah!

[Richard Voiceover] And I felt useless.

Did you say something?

No.

[Richard] Was it your father again?

[Man] I don't get it

(typewriter clacking) - Do I have to spell it out

for you, Rolando?

She's a he.

Patricia is Patrick.

[Man] Oh my god!

[Man] You are small potatoes, that's what you are,

you are so small potato!

(gunshots firing)

[Man] We've gotta take a crack at this!

[Man] Yeah, I think you're on crack, man.

(men talking in foreign language)

Where's your wedding ring?

Hmm?

Oh, I got it right here.

They don't like us to wear them at the restaurant.

The idea is that we should appear available

even if we're not.

That is such bullshit.

I know, tell me about it.

It's uncomfortable.

It's a fucking outrage.

I'd like to sue those bastards.

In fact, (phone ringing)

the next time that I'm in there, I'm gonna fucking let,

what?

[Richard Voiceover] It was Patterson.

I thought of telling him that Barbara was in quarantine

or that she'd emigrated to Bolivia.

Instead, I opted for something subtle.

Fuck off.

Nice.

Who was that?

Some pushy bloke trying to sell life insurance.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

No.

I don't wanna talk to you right now.

No, I...

Really?

Okay I'm gonna have to call you later, okay?

Okay.

Bye.

What did he want?

[Barbara] Who, the guy from life insurance?

Yeah, Patterson.

Well he wanted to apologize for not offering me the part.

And he wants to get together.

Talk about the bleeding obvious.

You still don't get it, do you?

What?

All he wants me to do is go over to his house

at three o'clock.

What's wrong with that?

I don't fucking believe it.

You're not going, are you?

Maybe I will, and maybe I won't.

You are, you're gonna go to his bloody apartment

and fuck him for your bloody stupid little part!

Fuck you!

# I don't wanna go #

# I don't wanna leave #

# Save me from this cold loneliness #

# My heart will break surely #

# If you're not far and finding love #

# Now now now yes #

# No #

[Richard Voiceover] At first, I thought

there was an earthquake.

But then when the water started flooding in,

I realized my beloved wife had driven into the ocean.

[Richard] Let me out!

Oh!

Oh my god.

- Oh my god. - We know this person, miss.

The question is, do you?

Yes.

This is my degenerate husband.

Degenerate, huh?

Holy fuck.

Look, he's lost the circulation to his legs.

This is not the behavior of a normal person.

(blues music)

- [Richard Voiceover] I had blown everything.

That was the reality.

[Patterson] I know who this is.

How are you doing, Richard?

I'm fine.

May I speak to Barbara please?

[Barbara] Richard, can't you just please leave me alone?

[Patterson] Don't call anymore.

I'm gonna disconnect the phone

and get a new unlisted number tomorrow.

You'll never do that in a day.

[Patterson] This is America.

Goodbye, Richard.

[Operator] The number you have called

is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached this number in error,

[Richard Voiceover] Patterson was right.

This was America.

And she was gone.

You just gotta relax, bro.

Lighten up a bit.

You know, I obviously haven't understood

the entire concept involved in lightening up.

You're the second person to tell me that.

Yo, bro.

You're taking the whole thing

a little too seriously, man.

You know, she left, and that's a disaster, you know.

But in the big picture, big deal.

She comes back or she doesn't come back, so what?

You'll still be breathing, right?

# I'll leave behind #

# My heart to wither #

# And lay you there #

# Remind you of #

# A taste of honey #

# A taste more sweeter than wine #

Barbara!

[Woman] My name is not-

Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake.

No problem.

- Jesus, Mary. - Terrible eyesight.

Let me get this straight.

You actually know the pool man?

[Mary] No I don't.

I thought she was someone else, I'm sorry.

You actually know the pool man?

Yo, that's not cool, man.

These are married people, all right?

- All right. - So let's just go out.

Yeah.

Let's go.

I'm not going to listen to this.

Bitch!

You disgust me!

Right now, I think she's gonna be a whole lot happier

with that Patterson boner, man.

That dude is so fuckin' L.A.,

and you're just not L.A. enough, that's cool.

Jesus, what else should I know, huh?

You know fuck all about what it's like

when your wife leaves you.

Yeah, I do.

You're Mr. Safety Fucking First Moss,

beneath all this fucking funky bullshit.

You never date anyone

who lives more than 27 minutes away

on the fucking freeway!

You know, I'm really sick of your self-pity shit, bro.

(tires screeching)

Fine!

Thank you very much, Stupid idiot!

- I'm going home. (cars honking)

Ah, fuck you too, you're an asshole!

(woman screaming)

(somber music) (thunder rumbling)

Do me a favor.

Don't talk about movies.

Okay.

You like fried chicken?

Yeah.

There's only two places in the world

where I found total simplicity.

Cemeteries,

and strip joints.

Somehow I always seem to wind up in a graveyard.

Yeah, me too.

I've spent half my life in graveyards.

Why is that?

I'm an undertaker.

Well, you know, used to be.

Back in England, you know?

Well what are you doing here?

Met this girl.

Left London behind, came here after her.

I wanted to be a writer and live with her, but,

things aren't going according to the script.

She dump you?

Yeah I suppose so.

You love her?

Not a minute goes by I'm not thinking about her.

(sighing) Yeah, I know how you feel.

One time, years ago, I was flat broke.

I was working up in Vancouver.

I went to this bar to get a drink.

So I'm just sort of sitting at my table, relaxing.

And then boom.

Never seen anything like it.

Quite possibly the most beautiful girl

I'd ever laid eyes on was crawling across the stage

like some kind of stalking feline.

I knew it was love

when one day

we're at this restaurant out on the waterfront,

drinking pretty heavily,

and she very gracefully reached across the table,

grabbed the salt and pepper shakers,

straightened her back

and gently placed one on each breast.

Salt on the right.

Pepper on the left.

And they didn't move.

They didn't wobble.

She just sat there with these things

perfectly balanced on her tits,

smiling at me with those unbelievable Ojibwe eyes

that just melted me into my fucking seat.

And it was then and there that I realized

why I loved her.

And she realized why I had to die.

So she killed me.

She left me for a guy who was on the polo team.

I loved her so much.

And she just disappeared off the face of the earth.

Just gone.

Couldn't find her anywhere.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

You get tired of cemeteries,

try strip joints.

Yeah, Bambihole, Michael Bambihole.

Oh, Disney too yes.

Perilous Cruise, Johnny Depp, read an article on your movie.

It's very exciting.

It's got a great buzz.

(light music) (guests chattering)

Coffee?

Great.

Okay.

- Julie. (Julie gasping)

- Hi, sorry. - Oh, hi.

Have you seen Barbara?

She's not here.

Well do you know where she is?

Julie, please, I'm desperate.

I'm sorry, she's really mad at you right now.

I know.

Look, tell me, if you were her,

what would you want me to do?

For you to chase me to the end of the world.

But I'm not Barbara.

(Sandra clearing throat)

I'm sorry, I gotta work.

Hey.

Look, will you just tell her

that I really miss her, please?

I will.

Thanks.

Hi, Sandra.

Hello.

[Jean] Hi, Richard, bon jour.

Ah, Jean-Mimi, how you doing?

Ah, (speaks in foreign language) busy, busy,

so much work.

Now we are preparing a magnificent party for Anouk Aimee.

And everybody will be there.

Is that happening here?

Not here.

It's a secret.

[Richard] Ah, sounds great.

Look, my friend.

If I was you, I would leave her alone.

She will be happier with this gas, Patterson, you know?

He's just more, how can I say, more L.A.

You're not L.A., hmm?

Sure.

But I have to be absolutely certain.

Then you must do whatever you have to do

to return her to your bed.

And if she will not listen to your love,

make her go with you, force her, or kill her.

(tense music)

Right, thanks.

(energetic music)

# My car is burning, wheels are turning #

# To any direction #

# We move at the at the field as on the wheel #

# For a connection #

# Hey hey hey creepy connection #

[Richard] I'm sorry I went a bit overboard, Moss.

[Moss] When'd you ever hear me say no, bro?

I'm strictly a yes to life operator.

[Guard] And your invitation please?

This is the single sanest thing I have ever done.

Yo bro, that's what Charlie Manson said, yo.

- All righty. - Yo girls, girls.

Moss is here.

(woman speaks in foreign language)

(man speaks in foreign language)

(woman speaks in foreign language)

(man speaks in foreign language)

(woman speaks in foreign language)

(man speaks in foreign language)

(woman speaks in foreign language)

(man speaks in foreign language)

(woman speaks in foreign language)

Hey, good film.

Yo, that's good, yeah.

(man speaks in foreign language)

Johnny!

Good to see you, man.

Good to see you again, how you doing?

What?

I love you in this film.

Look, I wanted to thank you for everything you said

the other day.

It's really helped me get things

sorted in my head so cheers.

- Cheers. - I'll see you later.

Yup.

Who is he?

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

# You're the things wheeling under my knee #

# And I want you to stay right there #

# You're the things wheeling under my knee #

# And I want you to stay right there #

[Moss] Yo, baby.

Hi, I'm really glad you're here.

Richard.

Hi, Julie.

Look, don't worry, I'm not here to start anything.

I'm here to finish it.

He doesn't have a gun, does he?

Cool man, he's real cool.

He's British, they don't do cowboy.

I'm glad.

Barbara?

Oh I'm sorry, sorry.

Hey!

Sorry.

Don't ask me that, Patrick.

Richard!

What are you doing here?

How did you get in?

I have my methods.

What do you want?

I've got a genius idea.

- This has got to stop. - No, look,

no no, look.

You and me in London together.

Richard, how many times do I have to tell you

just please leave me alone?

Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, listen to me, look.

It's not us, it's Los Angeles.

It's been messing with our heads, you know?

It's not real here!

I mean it's real but it's not.

And it's been screwing us up.

We've got to escape.

We've got to get away from Patterson,

from all the bullshit here!

It's not L.A., it's you.

Look, you cannot go back to Patterson!

And why not?

Because all he wants to do is go to bed with you!

I love you!

(somber music)

Richard.

What am I to you, huh?

Your California beach girl, your surfer chick, huh?

You're you.

You're just you, I love you.

Did you ever, just once,

think about what I might be feeling, what I might want?

Yeah.

Like hell you did.

Not to mention your jealousy.

Richard, you're just like a child,

a jealous spoiled child.

(woman screaming)

(elbow bashing)

(body thudding)

(cameras clicking)

- Yo, move. - What's up with you?

(cameras clicking)

- Richie. - Chloroform,

- I know that smell. - Richie.

[Man] Isn't that supposed to be a sexual stimulant?

(fire crackling)

(woman screaming)

(drip plopping)

(gate clanking)

What, you're gonna have to think of another way

to get more.

Give him an associate producer credit.

Funnel it that way, I don't.

I will call you back.

Congratulations, Richard.

They got you on trespassing, destruction of property,

assault and attempted abduction.

What's more, that woman that you claimed is your wife

may be pressing charges of spousal abuse

and sexual harassment.

Ooh fa, that's a conflict, what a motion picture! (laughing)

Listen, we're gonna send you back to England

for a little while.

I'll straighten everything out on this end.

Way to go, Richie baby, way to go.

You know, I don't know.

But when I first met you, I said to myself

this man is a loser.

But there's something, I don't know what.

I guess I'm a genius.

Oh, and Richard.

Listen, don't accept any candy bars

from any of the felons.

You know what I'm saying?

# Fill me and test me #

# I guess that it was never meant to be #

# All you did was give me allergy #

# I'm not looking for your sympathy #

And then cut.

Beautiful.

Gorgeous, right?

- Yeah. # I am courted by uncertainty #

(plane whooshing)

# I've lost my will to live unselfishly #

# I'm chewing some sticks of fallacy #

# And my selfish dream #

# All fills my scream with fire #

# And all the while I thought you gave a damn #

[Richard Voiceover] I couldn't believe how fast

Takowsky had worked.

What an agent.

He promised I was going places.

Well, he was right.

They say that love's an adventure

and mine was over, flawed.

It wasn't like in the movies.

So here I was back in Bradford.

Thanks to Billy, I still had a business to come back to.

And the paper had even offered me a weekly column of my own.

Joy and I were on speaking terms only

but that suited me fine.

Stability didn't seem such a bad thing after all.

(music swelling)

Please don't concern yourself, ladies and gentlemen.

My colleague William here

will soon rectify matters.

Not to worry, ladies and gentlemen.

Just a slight technical cockup.

This is from Takowsky.

Congratulations, your first development deal.

(laughing) Good old Oozy Suicide.

50 grand, whoah.

So, I made it.

What about you?

You were right about Patterson.

And?

Well.

I was so caught up in it all

that I was missing all the important parts.

I only really wanted to see what I wanted to see.

Did your father help you see that?

No.

I figured it out on my own.

Well.

I was wrong too, I suppose.

I never saw you as a real person.

I just carried on like my life was some sort of a movie.

Straight to video, what a flop.

So.

What's next?

Well, they make movies in England, don't they?

(light guitar music)

Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose they do.

# I guess that you could say #

# That things worked out okay for now #

[Richard] Woo!

[Barbara] Richard!

# The promises you made #

# That disappear without a trace #

(Richard barking)

# 'Cause I'm reckless #

# 'Cause I'm reckless now #

# 'Cause I'm reckless #

# Somewhere along the way #

# You raised your hand up to my face and said #

# You never should look back #

# Experience has taught us that #

# And I tried #

# I tried #

# Yeah I tried #

# But I still feel out of place #

# Got me yeah #

# You got me yeah #

# Whenever you want me yeah #

# You got me you oughta know #

# You got me you know #

# Whenever you want me yeah #

# I breath with you, read with you #

# When everyone else is gone #

# When a door open, a glass broken #

# Curtain of rain on an ocean car #

# I drink like you, think like you #

# When everyone else is wrong #

# Tennessee is open, a small token #

# Lying around like a bruise on my arm #

# Woo #

# Wooo #

# Whoah oh #

# Got me, yeah #

# You got me yeah #

# Whenever you want me yeah #

# You got me you oughta know #

# You got me you know #

# Whenever you want me yeah #

# I'll stay with you, a day with you #

# Whenever you're incomplete #

# I'll be a match for you, a deep scratch #

# When your gravity's gone and you're full of defeat #

# I'll love with you, I'll spot with you #

# Whenever you're on your own #

# I'll be wrong for you, a clown for you #

# I'll glue you to wood when you fall into parts #

# Oooh #

# Whoah oh #

# Oooh #

# Whoah oh #