Original subtitles

"Hello, I'm a little lamb, feel my soft woolly coat."

- Do you wanna feel the coat? - I'm not a baby.

I know you're not a baby.

Fucking freezing, man.

It's a joke, innit? Trailing around after a little kid.

You know what? We're like fucking human nanny cams.

You know what I mean?

If I wanted to get into the toddler security business,

- I would have applied for it. - You what?

Kiddie close protection. Loads of money in it, mate.

'Cause you've got your... you got your royal babies, right?

Then you got your celebribabies.

Your "celebbabrababies"? What?

- What you-- - Oh, fuck off. Babies of celebrities.

All right?

Yeah.

You gonna go get it?

No, it's your turn. You go get it, dickhead.

Go on. Get your steps in.

Fuck off.

Hurry up as well. It's freezing.

Wanker.

Knobhead.

One juice for you.

- Thank you. - That's okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay. Oh, my God.

Dinah, can you get off the bed for me, please?

Okay. It's okay.

Oh, my God.

We're just gonna go on a little walk, yeah? Yeah?

This way. This way. This way.

Go, go, go! Go!

Keep going. Keep going. Okay. Keep going. Left, left, left.

I'm sorry, Dinah.

No, stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me.

It's okay. Okay.

Just stay away. Just stay away from us!

Uncle Mike!

You okay?

I've missed you so much.

The light has shone on you tonight

But I'll go walking through The darkened streets alone

And fall asleep with a smile

Saving my pennies 'Cause the oracle told me so...

I've learned to trust my head to turn

Yes?

Hello, who's that?

DI Varma, who am I speaking to?

DI Varma, I'm calling on behalf of Zoë Boehm.

Oh, great news.

Well, there's no need for the attitude.

She's disappeared.

Sorry?

I didn't want this call to be traced. I'm in a phone box.

You've no idea how hard it was to find one that wasn't a defibrillator.

I have an envelope of very important information.

She instructed me to call you if she didn't come home.

Uh, right.

- Okay. Yeah. - Let me out!

The... The island that we need is sort of due north-west.

It's due north-west of this archipelago.

- All right? - Okay.

I can't...

- Yep. - Hang on.

We're headed north-west.

Bastards!

I can't...

There's no sign of any...

any archipelago.

Well, there's no sign of anything through these, to be honest,

apart from six inches of salt.

Let me out!

Bastards!

Don't need him.

Whoo-hoo!

Cover your ears.

You were here, weren't you?

Just give me a second.

Hello.

Can I keep him?

- Sure. - Thanks.

Distance from tracker: 1.2 miles.

Any clues?

What, apart from a big arrow saying here be dragons?

Fucking...

You all right?

Yep. Just forgotten how much I fucking hate boat trips.

Sorry, boat. Didn't mean to be rude.

Shit.

What's...

Shut up!

What's happening now?

The engine's stalled.

Yeah, I can see that, Captain Haddock.

But is it broken or is it just being bloody-minded?

Oh, shit.

We're out of fuel.

Ninety-nine percent certain...

I'm gonna vomit.

Just keep your eyes on the horizon--

Oh, fuck.

- She needs fuel. - Yeah, I know.

Where do you keep it?

I'm not telling you.

Don't be a dick.

Fucking amateurs.

Zoë, can you look for a can of fuel?

Or... we could let him out?

'Cause I think I've just chucked up a lung.

I wanna go back for it.

Okay, okay, okay.

We'll let you out on the condition that you do not mansplain,

or patronize us or treat us like a couple of idiots.

Okay?

Fuel.

Thank you.

- The engine's under the-- - Yeah, I know. I know.

Okay.

Pal, I'm sorry we had to, you know... lock you up for a bit.

We'll reimburse you. We'll...

Aye. Too fucking right you will.

Look, we really need your help.

We're trying to find this island.

For your honeymoon?

No. Look, it's just... it's not on any recent maps.

That's because that technically doesn't exist.

- It was robbed by your lot. - Our lot?

Aye. The English. Ministry of De-fucking-fence.

That is English soil and I won't be setting foot on it.

You don't have to set foot on it, just drop us off there.

Oh. You see, this is how it starts.

The stuck-up Sassenach tells a humble Highlander what to do.

Before you know it, we're controlled by a mincing monarchy

that's brought us nothing but sorrow and bloodshed since 1707!

Okay. Okay.

It's not actually my fault what happened to Scotland, all right?

I'm sorry, I...

- Okay, I'll level with you, all right? - Aye.

There's someone on this island that desperately needs our help.

No, there's nobody on that island. Nothing there. Nothing but puffin shite.

No, there is, there is, the... There are...

There are people on that island and we...

We also have intel that they are doing some very bad things...

Sanctioned by the English government.

- The English? - Yeah.

Still at it?

Bastards.

I knew it!

Why didn't you say?

So we were going in completely the wrong direction?

At the risk of mansplaining, aye.

Plus, see this compass? It's been fucked for a decade.

Fucking hell.

Distance from tracker: 132 meters.

Come on.

Nev. He shouldn't have left you in pain.

That's just unprofessional, innit?

We gotta go.

Is he after us?

I'll kill the feed.

Okay, baby, come on.

Come on. Come on.

- Where are we going? - Somewhere safe.

Is there a helicopter coming to get us?

There's a boat, but right now it's too exposed.

Is he... Is he coming for us?

Listen, I'm gonna take you somewhere to hide, okay?

Come on.

He liked you, my dead husband.

He hardly knew me.

Yeah, and to be fair, he liked everyone.

That was one of the most irritating things about him.

Were you together a long time?

Too long.

And yet, not long enough.

"When the lights come on at four

At the end of another year?

Give me your arm, old toad;

Help me down Cemetery Road."

Oh, do try and keep up.

I thought you studied English? That's a Philip Larkin poem.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Joe knew it off by heart, and he quoted it relentlessly.

He was the archetypal bloodhound.

What, once on a trail, he'd never give up?

Big, creased and drooling everywhere.

He'd fall in love with total strangers,

wag his tail, and try and solve their... their unsolvable situations.

He was such a kind man.

Yeah. At the same time, bit of an idiot.

That's what got him killed.

Sniffing away at a trail he should have known he couldn't finish.

You remind me of him.

What? You just described him as an idiot.

- And an old dog. - A dog with a bone.

The way you are with Dinah? That's absolutely what Joe would do.

Well, if you wanna cry or shout...

I won't tell anyone.

I just really wanna hurt someone.

Do you think we're in the right place?

Sadly, no big sign saying "Weird, off-books facility this way."

We're definitely in the right place.

Oh, my God. How would you climb up those cliffs?

Maybe it's Spider-Man's boat.

I'll take you round the headland.

It's very choppy. I'll get you in as far as I can go.

Oh, bloody hell.

No, I know. Oh, well done.

Yeah...

She's... She'll just be a minute.

Well, look, darling, if you've packed the EpiPen,

there's no reason why she can't visit the city farm.

Just tell her not to lick any livestock.

Thanks, hon.

Hurrah for the beta cuck husband.

I'm kidding. I love him. He's the reason I can do what I do.

Yes. Now, look...

we've had a slightly strange email come through the government website to Cheski.

Everyone, can we just huddle in the hub? Please.

- All right. Well, just give us five. - Come on.

Minister.

Yeah, so a source suggests

there's some connection between a doctor and overseas MOD activities?

No?

Source also claims that

the circumstances surrounding the doctor's recent death were suspicious.

A mystery source.

Suspicious death. All sounds very vague.

Can you give me the name of the source?

Well, I rather think if I were to tell you the name,

the source might dry up.

It's a reliable witness. He's police.

The doctor he's referring to is, or was, Isaac Wright?

Do you know him?

I think your mystery source is making mischief.

Okay. Yep.

Well, Cheski loves a project, so I'll just get her to have a little dig around.

But, no, I operate a culture of trust so...

But, of course, if that trust is breached, there are, as I say to my children,

consequences.

You know, naughty step. Time-outs. Prison.

So if anything does show up your end, you will definitely tell us, won't you?

Could he really not have dropped us any closer?

I thought you'd be the wild swimming type.

Zoë, stop.

Look.

There's land mines.

Shit. We're gonna have to get puffin boy to drop us somewhere else and...

No! Come back!

Slippery fucker.

Zoë! Stop, it's dangerous.

It's bullshit!

They just put those signs there to scare people.

Fucking hell!

Wait for me!

There you go.

The perfect spot for a weird, off-books facility.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Okay.

- You want some water? - No.

Dinah. Dinah, stay close, all right?

You okay?

No.

I'm supposed to be at a hen weekend, playing stupid, funny games.

What games?

I don't know. Like...

Willy Bingo.

Truth or Dare.

Have you ever played Truth or Dare?

- Not recently. - You ask questions. Like...

What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten?

That's easy. I once had a pickled walnut, never again.

What's your biggest regret?

Taking this job.

What's the bravest thing you've ever done?

Nothing.

What happens to her?

After all...

whatever it is that we're here for... happens.

She lives a long and happy life.

God. They could be anywhere.

Where are you?

Downey!

- Hello? Anyone? - Jesus Christ.

Bloody hell. Who is that? What are they doing out there?

Do you know them?

Dinah?

What's that?

Sarah! Sarah.

- Dickhead. Why'd you leave-- - Just get in.

Dinah?

Dinah?

- Hi, Dinah. - It's okay.

I'm Sarah.

Hi, Sarah.

I've...

I've got something for you.

It's from your friend Ziggy.

It's a bit soggy.

You found her.

Hi. I'm Zoë Boehm. You must be Downey.

I met your charming doctor.

I know what they did to you. I'm sorry.

Okay, that's him. That's RoboCock.

The psycho from the train.

Three left.

Don't miss.

Hey. Okay?

- No! - Dinah!

You're okay. It's all right.

- I'm okay. - It's okay.

Oh, my God.

I'll get the quad.

- No. Don't go out. - Yeah.

If we stay here, he'll pick us off, like sitting ducks.

Okay? You take Dinah. He doesn't know you're here.

We don't have a boat.

When it's safe, you go find his boat. He must have landed somewhere south.

Yeah, that big inflatable penis.

- What, by the cliffs? - We saw it.

Wait... But there's no path down that cliff.

I'll draw him away. Sarah... it's me that he wants.

He's right, Sarah. It's time.

Baby. Baby, you're gonna go with Sarah, okay?

- No. - No, no, you've got to. You've got to.

Be strong. Be brave. Go on. Go on, keep down. She's gonna look after you now.

- Come here. Good girl. That's it. - Go on. It's okay.

- Good girl, that's a girl. - It's okay. It's all right.

It's okay.

You came all this way. For her.

You know what to do.

I'll see you.

Uncle Mike.

- We gotta go. - Yeah.

Go, go, go.

Wait.

I've been dreaming of this moment.

Should I go gun to head, like you did my little brother?

I don't even know who the fuck you are.

I found bits of Axel's skull all over the posh paintwork.

Tough clean up that one. Tough.

Or shall I blast you through the mouth? While you watch. Plain brutal.

Then I thought, "I might catch whatever fuck-awful disease

they gave you, just from the spatter."

So then I'm like, "Nah."

Let's do this nice and slow.

Forget the gun.

Knife through the neck.

Just here.

While you bleed out,

I'll hunt for the little girl, so she can watch her daddy die.

Maybe I'll finish her off in front of you.

So you know how it feels...

to lose the one you love the most.

You can live out your fucking Marvel villain fantasy however you like.

Just get on with it.

All right.

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

There must be a rope or like... or a hook

or something I can get down the cliff with. I just...

Sarah, you're not gonna find a parachute or a ski-lift in here.

Come on, Dinah. Let's go.

Is it Downey?

No. Shit.

Okay.

Okay.

You get her down to the inflatable. I'm gonna go back the way we came.

- No, no. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Element of surprise. He doesn't know we're here. He's gonna follow me.

He... And he's not gonna be able to get that quad all the way down to the beach.

Yeah, but Zoë, Zoë. What...

What if I can't get to his boat?

Well, that's not an option. You can do it.

You pick me up where puffin wanker dropped us off, all right?

- You're gonna love this. - This plan is fucking batshit.

Sorry.

I can't jump and you'll get killed.

It's all we got.

Wait, wait, wait. What about Downey?

Sarah...

Okay. Just stand by me, okay? Just stand by me.

Okay. Okay.

- Now we have to be really brave. Okay? - Okay. I'll try.

All right. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Maybe there's a path.

Let me look. Stay here. Wait here.

Oh, God.

Shit.

Dinah, we're gonna have to jump.

Dinah, I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can do this.

What? Are you afraid?

Yeah.

Maybe there's another way down.

Okay.

Three.

Two.

One.

Okay. Dinah, get down.

- You okay? You all right? Okay. - Yeah.

Okay.

Hold on tight.

Zoë!

We're here! Come on!

Fuck!

Fucking English.

Zoë.

Dinah, don't look. Don't look. Dinah, don't look.

Get down, Dinah. Get down! Get down!