Original subtitles

Max, can't you look any more existential?

Existential?

You said nihilistic.

I feel like I should be doing something.

Shouldn't he have a sign that says, "hi, mom"?

Uh, Jesse?

Why don't you cue the fog machine?

It's gonna blow!

Wow.

Real-life drama.

And I got every second of it.

Crash!

Crap.

Hey, come on back.

Now we'll have a whole

postapocalyptic waterworld feel.

Gills for everyone!

We just stared the reaper in the face,

and you want us to keep working?

Yeah, we're, like, traumatized.

Sorry, Janie.

We're gonna need to take a few weeks off.

A few weeks off from what?

I hope your parents appreciate deconsructionism.

They won't even notice.

Besides, they're in Greenland doing the walrus tusk

fertility fetish carving thing.

Always keeping up with the joneses.

Trent, Jane!

You are here!

Penny?

My name is Oliver twist, sir.

Hey, wind.

What are you doing here?

Katie is locked in our kitchen

taking some private time.

And our life consultant says I should respect that.

But I'm hungry.

Oh, no!

What happened to the gazebo?

What gazebo?

That's where mom and dad took us when we were born

to decide our names.

You've got to fix it.

Um, wind?

I don't know how to break this to you,

but I don't think mommy and daddy

will be bringing us home any new brothers or sisters.

Hmm, bummer.

You don't get it.

I couldn't stand to lose such an important piece

of my identity.

Oh, what chance does love have in a world

where even the naming gazebo falls to pieces?

"Naming gazebo"?

Promise me you'll fix it.

How much money do you have?

Trent.

I have none, so I said nothing.

I really should--

hey, maybe you could sell some of your paintings

at that art in the park thing they're having.

Hmm, the harvest of my inner torment

on display right next to the falafel cart.

I like that.

Cool.

But if I get the money,

you have the handle all the sludge work:

Calling contractors, getting bids,

scheduling the job, everything.

I don't know.

The band and I are gonna be pretty busy

practicing these next few weeks, and--

oh, yeah.

We're traumatized.

Okay.

I'm on it.

We'll get it fixed.

Sandi, you would look so great in a caricature.

But I'd really like to see

how the artist would draw you, Quinn.

Your face is so full of drawable parts.

I have an idea.

He could draw all of us, you know, together.

That would really show how, like, fun we are.

All right.

Can you write "friends forever" on it?

What a lovely sentiment.

Please, take a seat.

Lock in profiles.

Look, Janet, mice made of clamshells.

Male mice.

A fireman, a policeman,

a doctor who just happens to be a man.

I'll bet he's a gynecologist too.

This one's wearing a raincoat, and it's called "squeaking wet."

Isn't that clever?

Well, we are in the park,

but I'm failing to see the art portion.

Clowns crying?

Why, I've never heard of such a thing.

Maybe they're sad they lost all their money

in that poker game with the dogs.

Yo, art lovers!

One of these things is not like the others.

Hello, sellout.

Wouldn't I have to sell something

for that to be the case?

How much are you asking for these?

Most of them are 25 bucks,

except for the topsy-turvy Van gogh.

That one's $10 million.

Do you know you've hung this Van gogh copy upside down?

No, I painted it upside down.

I hung it right side up.

Come on, honey.

Let's go find some pretty barn paintings.

Jane, these works of yours are among the most inspired

and original I've seen all day.

Thanks.

Do you realize this Van gogh is upside down?

None of these numbers are gazebo numbers.

Hello?

Paramedics?

Do you fix gazebos?

I do not look like that.

It's like our features are exaggerated or something.

Hey, if you don't want it, don't buy it.

I'll use it as a sample.

But you can't put it on display.

Someone might see it!

I'll take that as exhibit "a."

Come on.

Maybe we can find someone else to insult us.

Well, guess we should head out.

Have fun, kids.

Are you gonna be okay?

Okay?

You know, Van gogh hardly sold anything during his life,

and it never bothered him,

except for that whole going insane part.

Hey, did you paint this?

I know, I know.

It's upside down.

Of course it is.

Hanging a famous masterpiece upside down

allows the viewer to see its beauty

totally independent of its content.

I love it.

You do?

Sure, and I know talent when I see it.

I hire artists to re-create the works

of the old masters for my gallery.

Well, I'm asking ten million bucks,

but since you're in the business,

I'll let it go for $50.

I've got a better idea.

I'll sell as many of these Van goghs as you can paint,

and I'll only take, say, 60% commission.

Here's my card.

Your place is called "Gary's gallery?"

"Larry's louvre" was taken.

What do you say?

Well, I could use a new gazebo.

This kicks butt.

I'm finally getting real money for my artwork.

You're not worried about becoming a hack?

Not as long as I'm only in it for the cash.

Money, money, money.

I love money.

I'd shovel it down my throat if I could.

You're kidding, right?

Of course, Daria.

I'd chew it slowly and stop when I felt full.

Hey, weren't you guys supposed to be here two days ago?

Is that a problem?

I don't know.

Feels like it should be.

Um, how's the gazebo?

Bad shape.

We'll need to build you a new transverse arch

before we can even start talking about gable and bunting options.

I'd say you're looking at 500 bucks.

Whoa.

So now what?

Do I tell you to get to work?

Or do you just, you know, start up on your own?

That last thing you said.

Okay.

Cool.

So are we all in agreement

that we have been maliciously slandered

and are therefore in need of legal counsel?

Yeah.

Slandered.

Very well.

Quinn, your mother is a lawyer.

Perhaps she'd be willing to plead our case.

Um, I can ask.

Excellent.

All in favor of retaining Mrs. Morgendorffer

so we can bring this caricature assassin to justice

and clear our good faces?

It's not often I get treated to a slice with two toppings.

Well, now that my ship's come in,

I figure why not spread my wealth around

and help the little people?

$200.

Try to contain your exuberance.

I did think it would be more exciting.

Maybe if it was for my own work.

But hey, it's not like I'm gonna be painting copies forever.

Just don't say you can quit anytime.

Jane Lane.

Your sunflowers sold this morning,

which means I've got something for you.

$350?

Wow.

Okay, I quit.

Quit?

You can't quit Gary's gallery.

No, that's the mafia.

Sorry, but this pays off the workmen at my house

and my girl scout cookie debt.

I can't let you go.

You're the best artist I have.

Thanks, but I don't feel like much of an artist

unless I'm working on my own stuff.

I understand that.

But paints and canvasses are expensive, you know.

Build your nest egg now, while you have the chance.

Then you can afford to work on your Jane Lane originals.

Money is not the issue here.

I'll increase your cut to 60%.

Money is the issue here.

And if you're that bored,

you don't have to do Van goghs anymore.

Any artist you like.

What do you say?

Quinn? Come in.

Mom, I need your help.

This really mean guy

drew an ugly picture of me and the fashion club

at the art fair,

and we want to sue for defaming of character.

Quinn, you can't sue for defamation of character.

He didn't do anything to harm your reputation.

Yes, he did.

He made my face look like one big freckle.

Mom, the embarrassment, the pain, the suffering.

In the eyes of the law,

"pain and suffering" are when a surgeon leaves

his pager in your spleen.

Ew!

What if you were on a date and it started beeping?

Trent, those workmen, shouldn't they be,

I don't know, working?

Hmm.

Go on.

Tell them they can't be lollygagging around all day.

Um, okay.

Yo, "t."

What's going on?

Hey.

I mean, "hey!"

You guys aren't working.

Yes, we are.

We're discussing measurement calculations.

Oh.

Wait, I don't know anything about measuring,

but I know all about lying around.

And you guys are definitely lying around.

What's your point?

Um, what am I paying you for?

Get to work.

I don't want to.

Oh, man!

Okay, guys, back to work.

You heard the man.

Whoa.

That's just cruel.

So with the gazebo paid off, I'm in pure profit territory.

And I'm only painting these in the style of--

you mean "copies of."

Fine.

I'm only painting them so I can support myself

while doing my own stuff.

And based on your recent workload,

you'll get to your own stuff

right about the time you start clipping coupons

for denture paste.

Jane, your exploration of the class assignment

looks remarkably similar to Van gogh.

You might want to keep those safety scissors

away from her ears.

Okay, I admit this is somewhat extracurricular.

You don't need to explain it to me, Jane.

I just hope you never lose your own unique style.

She didn't even say anything about my horsey.

Damn it to hell!

What sociopathic paralegal

keeps stealing my "sign here" post-its?

There's a sandi Griffin on line one.

Sandi, is Quinn all right?

Actually, none of us are all right,

given how we were cruelly maligned

by that so-called artist.

Sandi, I already explained to Quinn

that a lawsuit is out of the question.

Yes, so she told me.

But Quinn is a simple, uncomplicated girl

and perhaps didn't consider other legal avenues

we could explore to address our problem.

I'm really terribly busy.

You see, given that this person is hardly an artist,

and therefore falsely represented himself,

I thought we might take steps to have him disbarred.

Sandi, disbarring only applies to lawyers.

Exactly.

And you're a lawyer, so you can do it.

Voila.

Trent, you're up early.

Those workers promised to have something done by 2:00.

So I thought I'd better get up and check it out.

Hey, why don't you bring your easel down,

and you can, like, portray the birth of a new gazebo.

Trent, if I had a spare moment,

I sure as hell wouldn't spend it painting.

Whoa, copying burnout.

That's why spiral doesn't play covers,

'cause of what it would do to our creativity.

And the ironic this is, i am as free as a bird.

Good for you, Trent.

Stay true to your art.

I'm sure you'll always have

the negative bank balance to prove it.

Hey, Janie.

I'd rather balance my artistic statement

than my bank statement.

What?

I don't know.

I thought I had something there.

My arm's getting tired, damn it.

It never used to.

What's more heartless than pilfering

a roll of toilet paper?

Transforming it into a roll of 20s.

The squeezably soft counterfeiter next

on sick, sad world.

Counterfeiting?

Hey, this doesn't go with the house!

What about my resale value?

Look, pal, that's why I rent.

Here's a funny thought.

Wouldn't it be hilarious if Gary

were some huge art counterfeiting kingpin?

Yeah.

You'd be laughing all the way to the big house.

No, listen.

What if my copies are good enough to fool people?

It would be a cinch for him to make millions

off my hard work.

To finance his secret robot army, no doubt.

I'm serious.

We're gonna head over there right now

and enact a sting operation.

Fine.

You wear the mustache.

I'll hide in the ceiling vent.

Here's the plan.

There's an invoice book behind the counter

that should tell us who bought my last painting.

But you have to distract Gary while I'm grabbing it.

And just how am I supposed to do that, Mr. Phelps?

You'll figure out something.

Use your womanly attributes.

Gotcha; I'll give birth.

That'll work.

Hey, Jane.

How's that dali coming along?

I think I can presell it.

Great, great.

Gary, this is my friend Daria.

She's very interested in art re-creations.

Um, yes.

I am very interested in art re-creations.

Although, gee, they look so simple

as if anyone could do them.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Let me show you.

Why do people yearn

to see great paintings for themselves

when they can just look in a book?

Paper cuts?

Color, texture, vibrancy,

the palpable energy that comes

from being in the presence of the work itself.

Thanks for clearing that up, Gary,

but we really need to be going.

Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.

Can you do o'keeffe?

The guy who bought your last painting,

Steve Taylor, wants one for his wife's birthday.

Aha.

Our clever subterfuge has unearthed the truth.

Steve Taylor bought my last painting?

He's a regular customer.

You know him?

Oh, look, lawn jockey with lantern.

You think it's the original rodin or a copy?

Go on, laugh now while you can.

Jane, Daria?

What are you doing here?

You don't want to hang out, do you?

Is your father home?

We have some questions about his art collection.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

I know all about my dad's art.

He says I was born to be an art pointer girl.

Kind of like that sister Wendy on TV.

This is an umbrella holder

made out of a real elephant's foot.

Where's the rest of the elephant?

Huh? There's no elephant here.

Don't worry.

I'm sure the hunters gave him a prosthetic foot

and let him return to his family.

Gee, I hope so.

This painting is of a lion with some dead animals.

Brittany, does your dad have any art

that isn't from or about dead beasts?

Oh, sure.

We have a new picture by a really famous artist

in the family room.

Dad says that's an original, um, someone.

Brittany, why didn't you tell me

you were having friends over?

Oh, they aren't friends, just Daria and Jane.

You girls look familiar.

Maybe you've seen us on the museum circuit.

We're big art aficionados.

Yeah?

Me too.

I like this one above the fireplace.

Is it an original Van gogh?

An original?

Ha!

I'd need to be a billionaire.

No, I found a great gallery

that's got a bunch of hacks churning out copies.

They're really pretty decent for the price.

Decent?

Well, yeah.

I mean, nice brushwork, don't you think?

Except for this spot here where it gets kind of lazy.

But you get what you pay for, right?

Yeah, what you pay for.

Say, if you girls want to see something really impressive,

you ought to check out my trophy room.

I just got my emu head mounted.

Dad, did that three-legged elephant learn to walk again?

Huh?

You want to talk about it?

No.

Jeez, Daria, even a cheese ball like Mr. Taylor

can tell I'm a hack.

"Lazy brushwork," he said.

Coming from a guy whose home

is decorated in early petting zoo,

I wouldn't worry about it.

But he was right, damn it.

Hey, Gary can't keep your paintings in stock.

You're a star copyist.

You've been painting your butt off.

They can't all be your best work.

None of them are my best work.

Hell, none of them are my work.

Lately I haven't even wanted to do original stuff.

Damn it, Daria.

I never got creative block before.

Your creativity has been channeled into other areas,

like inventing paranoid delusions

centered around nonexistent art counterfeiting rings.

Yeah.

My ego couldn't take just being a hack.

I had to be a super hack.

Or maybe I just wanted Gary to be a con man

so I could quit without remorse.

Sure, 'cause it's not like

you'll have any remorse if you stay.

Trent!

You were supposed to get these guys

to finish the job today.

It--it was just too hard yelling at them, Janie.

When I look in their eyes, I see myself.

Okay, look.

I almost went nuts working to pay you slouches,

so here's the deal.

If you want to see one red cent of your money,

you have precisely four hours to finish this stupid gazebo

and get the hell out of here!

But, ma'am, there's no way to finish in that time.

We're only three people.

Funny, I count four.

Oh.

Ew.

Hi, Tiffany.

Quinn isn't home yet.

Actually, I came to see you.

Oh, well, I'm just in the middle of an enor--

do you know what it's about?

Tiffany, I already explained--

the caricaturist.

Look, Tiffany, you can't sue the caricature artist,

nor can you have him disbarred, deported,

imprisoned, or grounded.

Do you understand?

Of course.

You don't have to yell.

You're right.

Tiffany, I'm sorry.

We need someone to break his fingers

like on that show about those guys.

So Gary took your resignation in stride?

He said his door is always open if I change my mind.

But between us,

there's something fishy about that door.

I think it's a counterfeit.

Whoa.

You know, maybe I will do a painting of the gazebo.

I can call it descent into madness.

Or gazebo.

Good thing spiral's still traumatized,

'cause I think I'm too sore to play.

What are you guys doing out here?

Mom, dad, you're back early.

Our hotel broke off the mainland and floated away.

Hey, it might not be safe to sit in there.

We're risk takers.

We really should tear down that ugly thing.

Yeah, only country house phonies have gazebos these days.

But wind said this was your naming gazebo.

Wind said what?

Wait.

I remember.

Years ago, he wanted to change his name to Ronald.

We made up that story so he'd appreciate the name we gave him.

Ronald?

You can see we had no choice.

Tell you what.

As soon as I unpack, Trent and I will grab some axes

and chop this gazebo up into kindling.

What do you say, son?

I'm gonna kill wind.

So that caricaturist is gonna get off scot-free?

It sickens me, Quinn.

The criminals have more rights than the victims.

You should at least burn the picture

so no one ever sees it again.

I should burn it?

I thought you had it.

La-la, la, la-la

la-la, la

la-la, la

la-la, la