Original subtitles

- Okay?

- Okay.

Thanks for the company, Trent.

- Hey, no problem.

But why didn't you ask Tom or daria?

- You and I never go for rides anymore.

We need to go for more rides.

- Mmm.

Why did you need to see the tiger again?

- I told you. It's a surprise.

You'll find out when everybody else does.

What do you mean, "mmm"?

- I didn't say, "mmm."

- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.

- Mmm.

- Sorry. Can't stop for breakfast.

Must get my files together before the 7:00 a.m.

I'm sorry.

This is the biggest case I've ever had.

Oh.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

Why would anyone be up?

Now who am I talking to?

Get it together, morgendorffer.

- Hey, daria.

- Hey, Trent.

- Janey's upstairs with Tom.

- Thanks.

- Hello?

Oh.

- Oops. - Wait.

- Sorry about that.

- No biggie.

You had to learn about kissing sometime.

- I saw Jane's latest work,

and I just got carried away by the talent.

- Ta-da.

- Um, very nice.

Or is it a cry for help?

- I'd have to go with both.

- Don't you get it?

The lady or the tiger.

Now you don't have to choose.

- Does this mean you'll be ordering

the pizza with entrails?

- This is gonna be my new look,

and you're assisting in the procedure.

Golden Heather blonde.

Dewey cornfield blonde.

April wheat blonde.

I just want to bleach my hair,

not start a freaking farm.

- Well, I'm looking for "blonde as a bat,"

but so far, no luck.

I bet for 20 bucks and a bag of doughnuts

that girl behind the counter would come over to your house

and help you with this.

- You know, daria, not everyone in the world

conducts themselves by the same ruthlessly mercenary principles

as you and your family.

- That's why I threw in the doughnuts.

Give the deal a personal touch.

- And if you tell me one more time

that you don't want to do this,

I'll hit you over the head with this bottle

of peaceful sunrise blonde.

- You know I have no aptitude for this sort of thing,

dying hair, painting toenails.

- Look, daria, this is the kind of activity

that teen girls do together to cement their friendships.

Don't you want to cement our friendship?

- I'd probably do better with actual cement.

- Methinks thou doth protesteth too much.

- Huh?

- Come on. Why don't you want to help me really?

- I just told you.

I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

- Okay.

You're worried about making me look bad.

- What's the matter with you?

- Nothing's the matter with me.

Just grateful for your concern, that's all.

- Look, I'll help you do your damn hair, okay?

Just pick a blonde and let's go with it, all right?

- Now you're talking.

Autumn barley blonde?

I'm gonna have to get me a tractor.

- This stuff stinks.

Why can't they just mix it

before they put it in the bottle?

- Because the vapors would build up

and it would explode.

- Oh, well, that sounds like something

I'd want seeping into my scalp.

- Come on, daria. Get going.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

- I'm sure fdr had teen girl hairstyles in mind

when he made that speech.

You know, one phone call, and I could have

my sister over here with her little fashion fiends

to do this job the way it should be done.

- "Hello, Quinn. It's me, daria.

Can you help me make my friend look pretty?"

- All right, you bitch, what do I do?

- Let's see. This is very complicated.

Identify and isolate a target tress,

immobilize, then initiate application.

- Huh?

- Grab a hunk of hair and start painting.

What do you think? It's not so hard.

- Don't move. Don't even talk.

The slightest tremor of your head could be disastrous.

- Oh, come on. It's just hair.

- That's what Samson said.

What did you mean before?

- What do you mean, what did I mean?

- All that hinting around about the dire reasons

I didn't want to help you with this.

- Dyer, 'cause you're dying my hair.

I get it.

- Still waiting.

- Oh, hell, I didn't mean anything.

I just thought it was odd that you were so resistant

to making me look even cooler than I already do.

I thought, you know, maybe you were a little jealous

of me and Tom and you felt like you had to--

- what?

- Just a teensy little bit.

And it's okay. Believe me.

I'm sure if I were in your position--

- what position? What are you talking about?

How can you accuse me of being jealous of you and Tom?

- Hey, are we doing the hair here or not?

I just mean the way you're always

accidentally barging in on us

and just happening to find yourself alone with him.

I know you don't mean anything by it,

so don't worry about it.

- Don't worry about it?

You're accusing me of having some kind

of designs on your boyfriend,

and you tell, don't worry about it?

- Hair.

Ow.

- Sorry.

- Maybe we'd better talk about this later.

- There's nothing to talk about.

You're delusional.

- Oh, well, in that case,

I can just talk to myself about it.

- Thomas Jefferson:

Philosopher, inventor, president,

and keeper of one saucy journal.

The declaration of in-my-pants tonight

on sick, sad world.

- So that wasn't so difficult, was it?

- Which part, the hair coloring

or the accusation of betrayal?

- Oh, daria, look, forget it.

I imagined the whole thing.

- That's right. - Okay.

Now, onto more important stuff.

Am I striped yet?

- Um, no, not quite yet.

- Is anything happening up there?

- Uh, you know, I think I should probably get home.

- Oh, come on.

Don't you want to stick around for the fun?

- Definitely not.

- Come on, daria. You must want to see--

ah! What did you do to me?

- I told you I was no good at this.

- Can't you paint a lousy stripe?

- I don't--i--

- you did this on purpose

to take Tom away from me.

- What? - Get out of here, daria.

- Let me fix it.

- How are you gonna fix it?

- I don't know.

- Just get out.

Look, you're gonna have to go into the drug store

and get the dye.

Just get anything black

and nothing named after a crop, okay?

- Sure, don't worry.

It'll be cool.

- I could kill daria.

- Whoa, why?

- I'm telling you, she wanted to screw up my hair.

Anyone with the least bit of painting experience

couldn't possibly do that bad a job by accident.

- I didn't know she paints.

- Huh? Oh, she doesn't.

- Then why did she think she could do your hair?

- Well, she didn't.

Actually, I kind of made her.

- Why did you do that?

- Hey, daria.

Where's Jane?

- Mmm, I don't know.

Maybe sick or something.

- Really? That's too bad.

She had some big surprise she was gonna unveil today.

She kept talking about the lady or the tiger.

- Um, the tiger turned out

to be more of a penguin with eczema.

- What? - All right, then.

Our onging evaluation of new blushes

continues this afternoon at Quinn's house

with a roundtable discussion of blush strategy

and philosophy.

- I love philosophy.

- It's so good of you to have us over for this, Quinn.

- Well, you know what I tell myself:

"Quinn, if not you, who?"

If not now, when?

- If not leave, puke.

- When you talk to Jane, tell her I hope she feels better.

- You mean if I talk to her.

- Look, our entire strategy depends

on you analyzing those printouts before the weekend.

I don't care if your mother is getting married.

I don't care if your mother is getting executed.

Do you understand?

- Hello?

- Um, Mary Ann,

this is daria morgendorffer.

Is my mother available?

- What, that's not a nice thing to say about an 80-year-old?

- Mmm, daria, is it very important?

This isn't a great time.

- Well, if your mother's 80,

what the hell is she doing

dragging some poor bastard to the altar?

Oh!

- Um, no, I'll call back.

Thanks.

- Hello? - Tom?

- Daria?

To what do I owe the pleasure?

- Have you heard from Jane?

- Sort of. Why?

- It's about that striping job.

- Uh-oh.

- Yeah.

I really, um, kind of botched it big-time,

and she didn't come to school,

and she's not answering the phone,

so I just wanted to make sure she's all right.

- Well, she was all right enough to call me late last night

yelling stuff I didn't understand

and making freaky accusations.

- Oh.

- I'm really getting tired of this, daria, you know?

It's like we talked about at the parade.

- I think I'm gonna go over there and see how she's doing.

- Oh. Oh, yeah. Good idea.

- Yeah. Got to go.

Bye.

- Bye.

- I figured you'd turn up sooner or later.

- Hey. Your hair looks okay.

- Yeah. I dyed it back.

I'll pass for human.

- I'm really sorry.

I warned you.

That doesn't make it any better.

I'm sorry. I feel kind of awkward.

- Really? I hadn't noticed.

- So if you look okay,

then why didn't you come to school?

Why didn't you answer the phone?

- To be honest, I've been feeling

kind of overwhelmed lately,

and after the hair thing and all,

I figured I'd give myself a mental health day.

- Overwhelmed? Why?

- Why do you think?

- I don't know.

I didn't screw your hair up on purpose.

I would never do that.

- Yeah, I know.

What about that other thing I said?

- What thing?

Um, you were just upset.

- What about it, daria?

- What?

Tom? Me try to take Tom away from you?

Are you crazy?

- Okay, maybe not trying to steal him or anything,

but what's going on with you two?

- What do you mean? Nothing.

I mean, okay, I don't hate him so much anymore.

But that's not exactly an affair to remember.

- So you don't want to go out with him?

- Of course not.

- And you've never made out or anything?

- Come on.

- I know. I'm sorry.

- Can you picture me making out with anyone,

ever?

- Can I stop short of your wedding night?

Okay.

Well, then hair apology accepted.

Life goes on.

- Do you want to get some more busy barnyard blonde

and try again?

- Have you gone completely, utterly mad?

- Hey.

- What are you doing here?

- I wanted to talk to you.

Your sister said you weren't home,

so I figured I'd wait out here.

- Do you want to come in?

- No, there are these girls in there,

rubbing stuff on each other's cheeks

and making animal noises.

I got kind of scared.

- That's just the opening rites of the blush-a-thon.

At least you got out before the rhythmic chanting.

- Oh, yeah, I think I saw that on the discovery channel.

Why don't you get in the car?

- Did you want to talk about Jane?

- Nope.

- Oh, then what?

- About our situation.

- I don't know what you mean.

We have no situation.

Leave me alone. I got to go.

- Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me?

- Why? Why?

Because I moved to this town

and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast.

And in the one moment of good luck

I've had in my entire life,

I met another outcast who I could really be friends with

and not have to feel completely alone.

And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up.

- All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool,

and I went out with her for a while.

We started to get bored with each other.

It happens all the time.

It's nobody's fault.

- Oh, yeah?

Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?

- Probably; And more to the point,

she'd be bored with me.

It's got nothing to do with you.

- Good, because I'm not interested in you,

and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back

if I even considered it.

- Exactly.

And what kind of a jerk would that make me?

- Exactly. - All right, then.

- Okay.

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

- I liked it too.

- That's not funny.

- I know.

That was definitely not funny.

- I got to go.

- They're gonna make it illegal to shoot squirrels?

Damn it. What kind of town is this?

Oh, hey, kiddo.

How's it going?

Still got a little stardust in your eyes, eh?

You can't drown them either?

Damn it!

Oh, my gosh.

Let's finish this later, okay, daria?

- Oh, yeah, daria,

you probably want to stay away from the house this afternoon.

The fashion club is entering the final phase

of our blush evaluation, and things could get heated.

And even if they don't,

I'm just afraid you'd find the whole thing terribly tedious,

and I'd hate to you see you bored like that.

Okay, thanks.

Daria.

Did you hear me?

- Is mom around?

- What?

- I need to talk to mom.

- Good luck.

She's only been working 18-hour days

at that job of hers.

- If your best friend were going out with someone,

and you kissed him, would you tell her?

- Are you crazy?

Why would I do that?

God, daria, you've got to lay off all those books

before it's too late.

I don't even know how I live in the same house...

- Hey. - Oh, hi.

- What's up? What's going on?

What's new? How you doing?

- Great.

- No walkie to school today?

What happened?

Hey, what's up? Talk to me.

- I kissed your boyfriend.

- What? - I kissed your boyfriend.

I kissed Tom.

I didn't mean to.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, hi. Go to hell!

Hey.

- Stop. Ow.

- How could you?

How could you?

- I didn't mean to. It just happened.

- How could she?

- She didn't do anything. It was all my fault.

- Oh, don't give me that.

- She didn't want any part of this.

I screwed everything up.

- Now what?

- I don't know.

I'm a real idiot. There's no question about that.

- Who's arguing?

- We should have just broken up,

and I never should have dragged daria into it.

- What do you mean, we should have just broken up?

- Come on. We weren't going anywhere.

We were about to break up.

- Yeah.

So now what? You gonna go out with her?

I guess I got to get a new best friend.

- What are you talking about?

- What am I gonna do, tag along on your dates?

Forget it. That's too weird for me.

- Yeah, I don't know why we expected her to do it.

- Huh, you're gonna have just a super time dating daria.

She loves to have fun.

- I didn't say I was gonna date her.

I know how antisocial she is.

- Hey, she's all right. Give her a chance.

- What are you talking about?

You want me to go out with her?

- Of course not.

I mean, i--i don't know.

Just--look, all that time,

were you going out with me just to get to her?

- Are you crazy?

- I don't know. Am I?

- I really like you, Jane.

You're smart, and you're funny.

You have a great attitude.

You do everything on your own terms.

You're, like, from a cooler world.

- I am, aren't I?

- You really are.

- Too bad you're such a dork.

- I know.

- Why can't I ever find anything around here?

Do you all want me to go insane?

- Helen, Helen?

- What is it?

I told you not to interrupt me for anything.

I have no time to waste.

Daria?

- So that's it.

Of all the guys in the world to kiss...

- Oh.

- I picked the one who's going out with my best friend.

Now I don't know what's going on,

I have nobody to talk to about it,

and that's why I came to you.

- Oh. - I didn't mean it that way.

- Oh, well, it's not easy being a teenager, daria.

You have all these new feelings and sensations.

- Mom, spare me the puberty speech.

I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.

- I'm sure it was just a one-time--

- twice.

It's a lousy situation, daria.

But you didn't set out to hurt anyone.

- Neither do those bus drivers

who go flying off an embankment on their way to the casino.

- Daria, nobody got killed.

- No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more.

- What about Tom?

- I'm not thinking about Tom.

You know, I had everything more or less under control.

I'm not saying it was great,

but I could deal with school, and I could deal with home.

And now nothing's under control.

- It never is, sweetie.

We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function.

- Who came up with that stupid arrangement?

- It's called life.

- Life sucks.

- Yes, sometimes.

Often.

- That's reassuring.

- But it still beats the alternative.

Honey, things will work out.

I don't know how, but they will.

- You don't know how?

What kind of parental wisdom is that?

- Honest.

- Don't you have to be getting back

to that huge case of yours?

- Oh, don't worry about that.

It's completely under control.

- Yo. - Hey.

- Whatcha' doing?

- Walking.

- Hair looks fine.

- Thanks.

- Lift? - Nah.

- Come on.

We need to go for more rides.

- Okay.

- Hey, you know, about Tom and all,

it'll be okay.

- Yeah, some part of me knows that.

Some part of me is actually saying

that breaking up is right.

- Maybe it is.

- So how come every five minutes,

I feel like I'm gonna throw up?

- I don't know.

You haven't been eating out

of the refrigerator again, have you?

- Idiot.

- Where are we going, anyway?

- Daria's.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Pizza? - I'm not really hungry.

- Neither am I.

- I didn't want to tell you, but I had to.

It's not gonna happen again.

Ever.

- Tom and I broke up.

- What? Not because of me.

- No, not because of you.

So I don't care if you go out with him.

It's fine with me.

- Come on.

Nobody's that well-adjusted.

- I'm sure as hell not,

but Tom and you makes more sense than Tom and me,

so you go ahead and date him,

and I'll get used to going out for pizza by myself.

- I don't want you to do that.

- Why not? It's what you've been doing all year.

- So you don't hate me?

- Of course I hate you.

You tell me you're gonna stay away from him,

and five minutes later, you're making out in a car.

Why did you even get in?

- I thought we were gonna talk about you.

I think that's what I thought.

- The lady or the tiger.

You turned out to be a little of both, eh?

- I swear, I didn't--

- I know.

I don't know why I made you color my hair

in the first place.

Maybe I was trying to bring something to a head.

- Hair. Head. I get it.

So what happens now?

- I was hoping you knew.

- Are we still friends?

Are we?

- Yeah.

We're the kind of friends who can't stand

the sight of each other.

- Temporarily, right?

- I hope so, daria.

I'll see you.

- Quinn.

Quinn, phone.

Oh, to hell with it.

Hello?

- Daria?

It's Tom.

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