Original subtitles

- Of course it's decaf.

Damn sadistic waiter.

I should have stiffed him when I had the chance!

Damn milk!

Damn it!

Where does Helen hide the mop?

Funny; I could swear I smell smoke.

Gaaah!

Fire! Fire!

- No, Eric, it's only 1:00 a.m.

Of course you didn't wake me.

- Fire! Fire!

- Oh, my god, Eric. The house is on fire.

I'll have to call you back.

No, I don't know when.

No, you can't hold.

- Daria, what are you doing in bed

when the house is on fire?

- Um, trying to find out

if these blankets are flame retardant?

- Well, do it later!

Come on. Out of the house.

- Sandi, this is terrible.

I don't even have time to pack,

and I can't run out of the house looking like this.

- Quinn, come on. - But...

- Sandi, she'll have to call you back.

No, I don't know when.

- Jake, leaving paper towels by an open flame?

What's wrong with you?

- Mom's right.

Kerosene would have been much more effective.

- What were you thinking?

- Well, I remember thinking,

"damn, a damn waiter with his damn phony decaf."

Then I was thinking, "I need some damn milk."

- Oh, never mind.

- Luckily, it's mostly just smoke damage,

but we'll still have to repaint upstairs and down.

I'd say we're looking at two weeks.

- Two weeks?

- Meanwhile, your policy allows for you

to stay in a hotel on a per diem.

The dutchman inn would be in budget.

- The dutchman inn?

That place with the giant clog?

- Come on, everyone. Cheer up.

Staying in a hotel won't be so bad.

- That's what they said at the Hanoi Hilton.

- Where's that?

- All I can say is,

it's a good thing

the grand hotel is one of your clients

so we could get a discount.

- Although I can never forget

that giant clog and what might have been.

- Yeah, getting us in there kind of makes up for me

almost burning down the house, you know?

Say, wasn't there a song like--

- just drive.

- Welcome to le grand hotel.

I'm Bobby, and I'm here to assist you

with all your needs.

- In that case, I'll have a pizza

and an isolation tank.

- It's been a long day.

- Which promises to turn into an even longer night.

- Please, let me get that for you.

- Thanks, fella. - Yeah, thanks.

Lousy... damn...

Daaah!

Bobby?

- You know, my uncle's the manager of this hotel.

- Really?

- Yeah, so if there's anything you need--

anything at all-- just let me know.

- You mean, like, say if I wanted a soda.

- I'll get you a case.

Look, Helen: A dimmer switch.

- That'll make her forget the fire.

- Jake...

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, thanks, pal.

Don't spend it all in one place.

- Thank you for your generosity, sir.

- You know, hotel living could be a nice change of pace.

- Unless you burn this place down too.

- Damn it, Helen!

It was an accident.

Of course, now that you've finished

raking old Jake over the coals,

it's time to ignore him all night

by talking about some big case.

Well, just go ahead!

- Oh, and I suppose you have something better in mind?

- And there are 25 different movies to choose from.

Do you and your boyfriend like to watch movies?

- Actually, I don't have a...

We have to share?

How about screecher 2?

I heard those bloodsucking eyeballs

look really cool when they burst.

- Actually, I'm kind of in the mood

for a movie with a plot.

Hey, daria left me a message

about a fellini film festival.

- Oh, yeah? You gave daria your number?

- You did.

So we could go rescue her

from mother-daughter bonding day?

- Right. Right, right.

- I guess she remembered the debate we got into

on fellini's symbolism.

- I do too. One of the best naps I ever had.

- Hey, the cinema can be more than bursting eyeballs.

- "The cinema"?

Look, do you want to see la dolce vita?

- I think I'll pass.

- Fine.

- Is there really a secret underwater railroad

smuggling flounder to freedom?

Get on board the "sole" train tonight on sick, sad world.

- Or sharpen your golf game

on one of our three 18-hole courses.

- Yeah, and they have this satiny padded kind of hanger

so your clothes won't get hurt.

- "In fact, it's the same satiny padding

that's inside my head."

- Who was that?

- Oh, um, just the maid.

Maid, you can hang up the other phone now.

Oh, wait.

Maid, dear, hang up the other phone, please.

Guess where I am now, sandi.

- Relax.

She's in the bathroom, marveling at its many wonders.

- Cool.

Hey, is Quinn, you know,

seeing anyone?

- Just a dermatologist for that rash.

- Hi, Quinn. - Hi.

- Oh, no, I couldn't.

- Well, bye, then.

- See you around, Quinn.

- Ewww.

You're not really gonna eat all that fat, are you?

- No, I'm gonna stick it in my boots

'cause I love the squishy, squishy feeling round my toes.

- Ewwww!

Daria, you're making me nauseous.

What are you doing?

- Going to stay at Jane's.

- Like mom and dad would let you do that.

Of course, for $20... - $10.

- $15, but that's my final offer.

- Hello, Quinn's sister speaking.

- Fine. Just go.

- No, that was the maid.

I think she got into the minibar.

Hey, did I mention they have melba toast?

- Daria?

- Hey, daria.

- Hey, Tom. Trent.

- Hey, daria.

- Let me guess...

- They made me share a room with Quinn.

- They tried to break you, damn it.

- I'm okay.

I got out before she applied the eyelash curler.

Look, do you mind if I stay here tonight?

I'm afraid if I go back,

I'll make a lethal weapon

out of the complimentary corkscrew.

- Um, sure. Why not?

- Hey, why don't the four of us get some pizza?

- I am low on vitamins.

- Can't.

Practice starts at 7:00.

- Trent, it's 9:00.

- Hmm, I better head out.

- Okay, bye. - See you later.

Ready?

- Excuse me.

Did I say I wanted to go out for pizza?

- Um, but you do, right?

- On second thought, you kids go.

I've had enough excitement for today,

what with losing my childhood home and all.

- Well, let me show you to your suite.

- Nice wind chime.

- Actually, it's a room chime,

one of penny's brainstorms.

Speaking of wind, I'd put you in his room,

but I'm afraid

he'd turn up in the middle of the night in tears

asking your advice on marriage.

- And if I mistook him for a burglar

and shot him,

what kind of guest would that make me?

Anyway, we won't keep you.

See you in the morning.

- Thanks.

- Bye, daria.

- I know exactly how you feel.

- I thought you wanted pizza.

- Actually, I'm not that hungry after all.

- Okay.

Guess I've lost my appetite too.

- Now, as you mull over the title

the red badge of courage,

who besides me

hears the cowardly lion in your head singing,

"if I only had the noive"?

Eh.

- So shall we expect you back at casa Lane tonight?

- I'm hoping Quinn's calmed down about the free q-tips by now

and I can settle back in at the hotel.

- Well, if you think so.

- Daria, I just wanted to be sure

you're not coming back to the room.

The fashion club will be holding emergency meetings all week

on faux tanning lotions,

and I don't want you to do anything embarrassing,

like show up.

- Wait a-- - um, sure.

I'll be happy to give to your charity,

out-of-town volunteer worker.

Just put me down for my usual amount.

Bye.

Can I stay with you a couple more nights?

- Um, sure. No problem.

No problem at all.

- Hey!

- Hi, Tiffany.

What can I get for you?

- Hmm, fruit cup or fruit plate?

- Hi, Stacy. - Hi.

- Hey, that's supposed to be my umbrella.

- Excuse me, but some people should not go out of the house

without a muumuu.

- I know.

It's like she's not even worried about offending us.

- Oh, talk about offensive.

Go, jakie!

- Bottoms up!

- Yay!

- Ew.

- Quinn, isn't that your parents?

- It looks like them in this haze, doesn't it?

- Haze?

- Bobby.

- Quinn, I thought you and your friends

could use some refreshments,

so I pulled a few strings in room service.

- Bobby, that is so sweet.

- I'll see you around?

- Sure.

- Quinn, he's so cute.

- Yeah, cute.

- Well, sure, if you like that bellboy look.

- Hey.

Feel like getting something to eat?

- Another time.

I want to finish this sculpture before Tom gets here.

That crazy kid just doesn't appreciate

the whir of a high-speed drill.

- I guess he's never had a good root canal.

Mind if I hang out?

- Be my guest.

Oh, by the way,

thanks for leaving that message on Tom's machine

about la dolce vita.

- Hey, watching a dead fish wash up on shore

always puts me in a good mood.

- But you know, you don't have to go to all the trouble

of calling Tom.

I'm always happy to pass messages along.

- Sure, I just--

Come in.

Hey, the prince.

Planning on taking over a country?

- Well, not now that you've ruined the surprise.

- It's just as well.

You go to all the trouble of plotting a revolution,

quelling the masses,

and brutally killing your enemies,

and what does it get you?

- A glass coffin surrounded by tourists and necrophiliacs.

- I knew you'd find the upside.

- Bobby!

What are you doing here?

- I think he works for the hotel.

- Have I got a surprise for you.

Welcome to the presidential suite,

your new home away from home.

- Wow, Bobby, it's really cute and all,

but I don't think

the insurance company will pay for this.

- No problem.

My uncle says this room won't be booked

for another two weeks,

so I've upgraded you for free.

- Gee, how can I ever repay you?

- How about letting me

take you out to dinner Saturday night?

- Well, okay.

- Great.

I'll see you later.

- Let's check out the makeup mirror.

- Oh, yeah, let's.

I bet they're huge.

Sandi? What's wrong?

- Gee, Quinn,

you know that I would never say anything to upset you,

but you're my friend, and I worry about your safety,

and if I were in your position,

I'd want to know if I were being stalked.

- Oh, sandi, I'm not being stalked.

- Oh, no?

Then how come Bobby always knows where you are?

It's like he's watching you with binoculars or something.

- Sandi, Bobby is not a stalker.

- Oh, okay.

- Personally, I always had a soft spot for Stalin.

Any dictator who changes his name

from dzhugashvili to "man of steel" has my vote,

so to speak.

- Come on.

You and I both know he only did it

so his name would fit on his luggage tags.

- There you are.

I was just about to call your house

to see where you were.

- Because I'm ten minutes late?

- Wow, it's 7:00.

Sorry, guess I lost track of the time.

- What was so fascinating?

We were talking about the prince's influence

on Lenin, trotsky, and Ms. Li.

- Sorry I asked.

- Hey, did you know Stalin had trotsky killed

with an ice pick to the skull?

- Good thing they didn't put him in a glass coffin.

- Anyway, Tom, I'll be down the hall

whenever you guys are finished with morgue chat.

- I'd better go.

- Yeah.

- And I can't figure out

if I should wear a mauve shell with my silk capris

or a silk shell with my mauve capris.

- I guess that depends where the stalk--Bobby is taking you.

- I think he said c'est la ville.

- Wow, that place overlooks the lake.

It's so romantic.

- Yeah, romantic.

- Yes.

Say, I just had a funny thought.

Have you ever noticed that that big cliff there

would be the perfect place to dump a body?

- Jane, while art is a time-honored way

to give expression to strong emotions,

it shouldn't be at the expense of your canvas.

- What?

- Um, never mind.

- Bad week? - Why is it your business?

- It's not.

- Hey, wait.

Tom and I were, like, meant for each other.

We'd sit in front of the TV,

make fun of whatever we saw.

It was the perfect relationship.

- You're just joking when you say that, right?

- But when he and daria start debating and going on

about all that stuff they read,

all of a sudden, it's like he's from a different planet.

- Okay, go for a long one.

- Yo, I'm open.

- Yo, dude.

- I know the feeling.

- You ever worry that you and Mac are drifting apart?

- Over here, Mac daddy. - Quit calling me that.

- With all my extracurricular activities,

I don't see him enough to drift apart.

- Ow!

- All in all, not a bad system.

- Um, I need to stop in here.

See ya. - Bye.

- So I said we can't just start thinking

every guy who follows us around is a stalker,

because the whole fashion club philosophy

is built on getting guys to follow us around.

And sandi said, "gee, Quinn,

I never knew stalking was in the eye of the beholder."

But I think she got stalkers mixed up with peeping Toms,

which is, like, a whole other thing altogether, right?

Right?

- Stalker? You have a stalker?

- Mom, I said he's not a stalker.

He's just enthusiastic.

- Oh, okay.

Jake, did you hear that?

Honey?

Quinn says she doesn't have a stalker.

- Stalker? Hmmm.

I hope it's not one of those cannibal guys

with the moths.

Maybe we should all go into the house.

Where's daria?

Where's the house?

- It's being painted, jakie. Remember?

Where is daria?

- Um, she said she was gonna be at that friend of hers

working pretty late on that project.

Anyway-- - oh, that's nice.

What project is that? - Mom!

I can't know everything.

I'm not my sister's beeper.

- Jane.

- Hey, daria.

- What's going on?

- What do you mean? Nothing.

- Right.

You always duck into empty classrooms

when you see me coming.

- So you finally noticed, eh?

Okay, um, I'm happy

you and Tom have been hitting it off so well.

Really.

But, see, Tom and I aren't hitting it off so well,

and whether you mean to or not, you're making things worse.

- What do you mean whether I mean to or not?

- Come on, daria.

You got to admit you have a tendency

to monopolize his time.

- Excuse me?

- Like the other day,

when you kept him in your room half the night.

- Hey, I didn't keep Tom in my room.

He stopped by, and we started talking.

- He stopped by,

or you ran into him in the hall?

Because penny's room

is at the opposite end of the house from mine.

- So?

- So the only way he could have stopped by

is if he went that way to see you

before he came this way to see me.

Oh.

- Look, he probably heard you drilling

and didn't want to disturb you.

Right.

Damn it.

When did I become a third wheel in my own relationship?

- Hey, come on.

Don't even say stuff like that.

And don't make me responsible

for whatever's going on between you two.

Weren't you having problems before I got here?

- Well, if you insist on being accurate about it.

- Anyway, the house will be finished in a couple of days,

and I'll be out of here,

unless you want me to go back to the hotel tonight.

- No, of course not.

I overreacted.

I hate being this way.

This jealousy crap, it's not me at all.

- Don't worry about it.

- You'd never do anything to hurt me.

- Not unless you grew long red hair

and began keeping a lip gloss database.

- Say, honey, you don't think we should be worried

about this stalker guy, do you?

- Quinn says

he's just a nice young man who wants a date

and the rest of it's in her friend sandi's head,

improbable as that sounds.

- Man, this hotel living's got me so relaxed.

I can't remember when I felt so good.

- It's good to feel good, isn't it?

- Oh, yeah.

- Hello?

Detective?

Oh, my god! Quinn!

- Gaaaah!

- And I think the best detective outfits were in the '60s,

like that what's-her-name in the mod squad

and the avenger lady.

I mean, cagney & Lacey.

What's that about?

Oh, hi, mom and dad.

- Thank heaven you're all right.

- Where's the stalker?

I'll rip his eyes out.

He is all handcuffed and stuff, right?

- Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer,

we were just asking your daughter

about some recent gifts she received

from a hotel bellboy,

one Bobby Stewart.

- Let's see.

He gave me a lobster platter, although I didn't eat it,

because lobster is so messy;

a pair of those cute little plastic sandals

you get in the spa

that massage your feet when you walk--

- I love those. - Jake.

- Oh, yeah.

And an upgrade to the presidential suite.

Look, maybe you should talk to Bobby's uncle,

the hotel manager or whatever.

He's the one who said it was okay to give me the stuff

since no one else was using it.

- Ms. Morgendorffer,

Mr. Stewart has no uncle at the hotel.

He's been billing your parents' account for all these items,

only to delete the charges later

by breaking into the hotel's computer system.

You mean I almost went out with...

- That's right.

- A computer geek?

Aren't bellboys weird?

- Where's daria?

- Come in.

- Hey, daria.

Have you seen janey?

I think one of us

was supposed to give the other one a ride somewhere.

- She's probably over at Tom's, avoiding me.

- Oh.

Or making sure Tom does.

- Oh, no. Not you too.

- Look, Trent,

there's nothing going on between me and Tom.

- If you say so. - What?

- Come on, daria.

I'm a musician.

I'm very sensitive to shifts in mood.

- Then your senses must be going into overdrive about now.

- Hey, I've seen you together.

Guys can always tell

when other guys are into someone.

You know, ethereal transference.

- Trent, even if what you just said made sense,

I think I would know if Tom were into me.

And he's not.

- Okay. I should go.

I'm sorry, Trent.

It's just that I don't exactly know what's going on.

- Well, whatever it is,

no one said you meant for it to happen.

- Yeah, okay. Thanks.

- But there's no use playing dumb, right?

Hello?

Daria, running off to Jane's without even asking us first.

- Damn it!

You didn't even give us a chance to say no.

Guys can always tell

when other guys are into someone.

- Pay attention, Jake.

- I was paying attention.

- You mean like when you set the house on fire?

- Oh, great.

Just never let me forget that, will you?

- Dad, would you watch the road?

- Not you too?

Go on, daria.

Why don't you chime in?

Daria?

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