Original subtitles

- Oh.

Oh, yeah.

The magic is happening now.

- What magic?

I'm not gonna end up turned into a frog, am I?

- Fear not, o prince of the suburbs,

- I hate it when there's a famine and nobody tells me.

- You know mom.

She doesn't like to clutter up the kitchen with food.

Now all it needs is a little color, and voila!

I'll just make the deadline for the art fair.

You haven't seen my art supplies, have you?

I left them here in a bowl.

- Oops.

- Damn it!

- So then Brooke showed up at the party in acid-washed jeans

and tried to pass them off as retro.

I know!

Who knows what she'll have on at the barbecue?

Banana clips?

Oh, no!

Oh, my god! Oh, no!

Accessory emergency, Stacy. I have to go.

No, Stacy, it's not you.

It's not.

It's not!

Okay, fine. It is you.

Bye!

- A vision of Christ in a half-eaten candy bar?

Talk about my sweet lord!

The immaculate confection next, on sick sad world.

- I'm sorry, but Quinn's in Kenya on safari.

Good-- oh, hey.

- You want to go to that new warehouse store with me

to pick up some art supplies?

I hear they've got a state-of-the-art linoleum floor.

- Thanks, but I think I'll stay here,

flat on my state-of-the-art ass.

- Come on, you have to come with me.

There's safety in twos.

- What about Tom?

- Actually, we got in a fight, and he stormed out.

Took the kids, too, the bastard.

- What happened?

- I'd rather not talk about it.

- Then what's the fun of getting together?

- Come on, I'll buy you a slice after.

- I guess I can pick up

this lying-around project again tomorrow.

I just hope I don't lose my momentum.

- So you reached for your boot, and the lace was gone?

The kid's sick, I tell you.

What could she possibly want with a bootlace?

- Maybe someone wore plaids with stripes,

and the fashion club's planning a hanging.

- Whoa!

- How many slices are you buying me?

- Let's just make it a pie.

- Doug Thompson scores and lifts his buns high in the air.

Hey, folks,

welcome to the annual lawndale high football barbecue.

Grab some food, make yourself at home,

and feel free to toss around the old pigskin,

and if she objects, use a football.

- I see where Kevin gets his charm.

- Yeah, Mr. Thompson's funny.

- Oh, shut up. - Okay.

- Halt!

Mr. Demartino, you know very well

that you're no longer allowed to consume food

at school functions,

what with your abysmal behavior at last year's bake sale,

loading up your trunk with leftover bundt cake.

- Miss li, I explained to you at the time

that I was merely trying to stretch a food budget

drawn tight.

- Drawn tight by what?

- By having to make ends meet

on a shoe shine boy's salary.

Now get out of my way.

I need chips and dip!

- Restraining order.

- No! Argh!

- Was that Anthony?

He sounded upset.

- Oh, no, he was telling a very clever joke

that ends with a fellow falling onto a spike.

Most amusing. - Hmm.

- Thank you for picking up the food, Timothy.

Now, if you'll just give me the receipt so I can--

so the school can write it off...

- I must say, it's commendable of the thompsons

to provide us this opportunity to bond with our students

in a relaxed setting.

Still, I wonder if Mr. Thompson

shouldn't be setting, well, a slightly better example.

- Never mind that.

I want you to talk to him about Kevin's grades.

We can't afford to have our quarterback suspended

for something as petty as academic performance.

Lousy, stinking statewide requirements.

- Hey, where's the barbecue sauce?

You can't have meat without barbecue sauce.

Who's the idiot who picked up the food?

- Settle down. We have company.

I'm sure Kevin will be happy to go get some.

Besides, he could use a change of scenery.

- Isn't it beautiful?

My kevie gave it to me to show how much he loves me.

- Oh, babe.

You're, like, worth it.

- Kevin, your father needs you to run to the store

for some barbecue sauce.

- I'll go with you.

- Oh, Brittany, you don't have to leave the party.

Kevin is perfectly capable

of bringing back the sauce on his own.

- But really, Mrs. Thompson, I don't mind.

- Brittany, read my lips...

- Gah!

- Damn.

- It was "damn," right?

I just love laundry detergent boxes.

They're so happy.

- Wow, these must be for really big machines.

- Anyway, what were we supposed to get?

- Um, I thought you were gonna remember.

- Me?

Your mother told you.

- Don't sweat it, babe.

Whatever it was, we'll remember when we see it.

Our memories will go jogging.

- Okay.

- Wow.

I could never get Tom into a store like this.

- And someday he'll tell me his secret.

- Shoppers, it's 12:00 noon,

and that means the sample stations are open.

- One per customer.

I said, "one free sample per customer."

- Great, a feeding frenzy and me without any chum.

- This could get ugly. - You're right.

I'll go back to aisle 30 and get some lounge chairs.

- No time.

I've got to go home and finish my statue,

or I'll miss the deadline for the art fair.

- Okay, then.

Where do you think they hide the bootlaces?

- Hm.

Probably about 60 aisles away from the art supplies.

Hey, there's a salesperson.

Let's ask.

Excuse me.

Miss?

- It's good to know that what they save on air vents

they spend on customer relations.

- You don't do well

in overheated, overcrowded grimy warehouse stores, do you?

- Hey, Tom. - Hi, Trent.

Is Jane around?

- You just missed her.

She and daria went to payday.

- What day?

- You know, that warehouse store that just opened.

Hey, that was a pretty good fight you had last night.

- Yeah, sorry we woke you.

Do you know where the store is?

I figure we should talk.

- Ugh.

- Actually, I could take you over there.

I need to get a new headlight.

- You think they have scented candles?

I'm all out.

Haven't had a bath in a week.

- You're riding in back.

- This yard is quite unkempt.

- I know.

They should really get a lawn makeover.

- And who are all those old people?

- They must be Mr. and Mrs. Thompson's friends.

Ew, I didn't know that teachers were gonna be here.

- Miss li's legs are bare!

- Um, Mr. Thompson...

- Hey, how are you?

Call me Doug.

- Okay, Doug.

I wanted to talk to you about Kevin.

- He's a great kid, isn't he?

Hey, did you guys see the game on Sunday?

Did the cowboys kick ass?

- Yeah, kicked ass. - It was awesome, man.

- Of course, what's important is not whether you win or...

Boy, they really kicked, um, butt.

- Yeah, man, they kicked butt. - Totally, man.

- Great, this stupid boot is giving me a blister.

- Cheer up.

A little indigestion, and you'll forget all about your foot.

- Have a Lincoln cheese flavor log,

made from the finest ingredients.

- Food substitute?

- Call me a purist, but I don't think cheese should crunch.

- Doesn't the phrase "beechwood aged" mean anything to you?

Excuse me, ma'am,

but do these finest ingredients include Mercury?

- Do you want them to include Mercury?

- Ugh.

Hey, there she is!

Yo, wait up!

- Excuse me, girls, but could you get a box of chocolate bars

off the top of the stack for me?

I don't want to topple them.

- Actually, we're kind of in a rush.

- See, my doctor told me not to exert myself suddenly.

I had this seizure a while back.

- Um, sure.

- Oh, cheese logs.

I'll be right back.

- That seemed pretty sudden.

- Hold out, Anthony.

It's almost noon.

You can do it.

- Mr. D!

I thought you were at the barbecue.

What are you doing here?

- I'm sorry if my shopping cart has confused you, Kevin.

I'm here for the command performance of madame butterfly

in the automotive department.

- Wow, kevie, this store really does have everything.

- No kidding, babe.

Have fun at the butterfly show.

- Thank you, kid.

Cheese logs!

But--argh!

Damn cheap watch!

- Look at this place.

I can't believe people actually shop here.

- Kind of cool, huh?

- What would anyone do with that much ketchup?

- Um, put it on hamburgers?

- Gee, Quinn, how are all of us gonna use that sunscreen

if you can barely get any out?

- How are all--oh, no.

- Quinn, I hope you haven't forgotten

that it was your assignment to bring the sunscreen

for the entire fashion club,

unless you want us to get wrinkles.

- Oh, sandi, I hope you don't think that.

I've always said your creamy complexion

is one of your most attractive features.

Um, should I go to the store and get some more?

- If you don't mind.

- Oh, no. I'd be happy to.

- And since you're going anyway, I'm out of moisturizer.

- And I'm out of cran-raspberry lip gloss.

- Me too. - Fine.

I'll go to that new place.

They probably have everything.

- Hi, girls.

- Oh, Quinn, wait up.

- Is this mozzarella?

- Is that your favorite kind of cheese?

- Yeah.

- Then it's mozzarella. - Come on.

We're never gonna find Jane if we keep standing around.

- Hey, man.

- It's mozzarella.

- Kevie, my feet are killing me.

Maybe we should call your dad and ask him--

eep!

That's--that's my locket,

the one you said you bought at cashman's.

$4.99?

Is that all I'm worth to you?

- They made a mistake.

Who put that dot there?

It's supposed to say, um, a whole lot more.

But, babe, see, that locket was only temporary

till I could save up enough money

to buy you a really, really expensive one.

- What do you think I am, stupid?

- Wait, are you asking if I think you're stupid,

or are you just calling me stupid?

- Ooh!

- Babe!

- Mr.--Doug, about Kevin...

- You're right.

Where the hell is he?

I sent him off an hour ago.

- I'm sure Brittany's holding him up.

Doug, that girl's gonna get in a family way,

and Kevin'll have to get a job and never go to college.

- Whoa, hold on there, mama bear.

I'm sure Kevin'll be more careful than we were.

Well, what do you think, timbo?

You know Brittany.

You think she's the opportunity, gets-knocked-up type?

- Actually, I was more concerned about Kevin.

- Great kid, isn't he?

- May I inquire as to what is in these?

- Why, the very best cheese alternative,

deep-fried in nature's own cooking oil.

At 1,000 calories apiece, they're a meal in themselves.

Uh, sir, please save some for the rest of the store.

- I'm sorry.

I must have missed the sign that says "one per customer."

Delicious!

- Excuse me, are these free samples?

- Yes. - No!

- This place is so wrong.

- Quinn morgendorffer, is this your idea of a joke?

- Sandi, no, I've never been to this store before.

Otherwise I'd never suggest we come here.

- I see.

As president of the fashion club,

I'm calling an emergency meeting right now.

- But, sandi, I swear this shirt is 100% cotton.

It just looks like a blend.

- Stacy, if you're finished with your unsolicited outburst

on fiber content,

I'd like to call your attention to the fact

that we are surrounded by moving fashion violations.

- So we should try to help these people?

- Don't be silly.

Some people are beyond help.

- Right.

- Now, listen carefully.

We are to proceed directly to the health and beauty aisle,

pick up our supplies, and go straight to the cash register,

unless Stacy wants to tell us what her shoes made of.

All right, then, follow me.

- Aw, crap.

We'll never get out of here in time.

Hey, the salesgirl.

Wow, here's what I was looking for.

- Gummy bears?

I thought you needed art supplies.

- These are art supplies.

When you put these babies in the microwave,

they melt into an incredible stained glass-like mosaic.

The goop also works as a killer adhesive.

- Gee, does it remove pet stains too?

- Scoff all you want, but I've been sorting them by colors,

gathering up compatible materials for weeks,

and I was finally all set

to make this incredible work of art when...

- When what?

- When Tom ate my gummy bears.

- So Tom ate your gummy bears

even though he knew you needed them for your statue?

That was pretty inconsiderate.

- Well, now that I think about it,

I may not have actually told him they were for my statue,

but he should have known.

- Definitely,

especially since they were probably right there,

next to your paints, unless he eats paint too.

- Um, the gummy bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter,

but they were in plain view of my statue.

I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?

- I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.

- Aw, hell.

- Look, Tom's reasonable enough.

Maybe if you just talked it out.

- Mm, sounds sort of drastic.

- Then how about this:

Serve him some frozen lasagna

and tell him you're sorry you haven't been around much lately,

but as soon as you get some time off,

you're gonna do something fun together

and really catch up on each other's lives?

- You know, Helen ought to write a book.

Quick, before she disappears again!

- These containers are so-- ugh--plain

and look, the names aren't even French.

- Really?

Where are the small, pleasantly shaped bottles?

- These gallon sizes are gonna stretch our purses.

- But, guys, this whole thing is only $5.99.

- $5.99?

Like, I would compromise my skin with cheap moisturizer?

Come on, let's go.

- Hello.

Complimentary cheese log?

- Cheese?

- Well, I suppose if they're low-calorie.

- Excuse me, miss.

How many calories are in these?

- None, none at all.

- Well, here are the gummy bears but no sign of Jane.

- Whoa, look at all those gummy bricks.

We should stock up for our next road trip.

- I wonder which ones have the longest Van life.

- I'm starving.

- I can't keep stoking these coals forever.

Damn it, where's that kid of mine?

- Actually, we could use this little wait constructively

by having a talk regarding Kevin's academic performance.

- Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that too.

Have a brewski.

Ah!

- Back off. It's mine!

- Excuse me, madam, but possession is 9/10 of the law.

- Oh, that's it.

I'm down to one log.

I got to go all the way to the back for more.

I'm banishing you both from this table right now.

Go to the tire section and find some nice rubber to gnaw on.

- You'll pay for this!

- I'm a teacher!

Try to collect!

- Come on, babe, let me make it up to you.

I'll get you anything you want.

- Anything?

- Um, sure.

- Kevin, Brittany, I want to ask you a favor.

They're, um, only serving people

whose names start with letters

in the first part of the alphabet, like "k" and "b."

- But isn't "d" in the first part?

- An astute observation, Brittany,

but "m," as in "Mr. Demartino," is not.

- Yeah, babe.

- I need to taste the cheese logs

for a big, um, student appreciation party

I'm planning in class.

Would you mind getting me one or ten samples?

- Sure.

- One of those square headlights might look kind of cool.

- Hm, might not fit my car.

- Might not?

Trent, what's the year and model number of your headlight?

- Hm, I bet that's important.

- Here you go, Mr. D.

- Thank you, Brittany.

Yum!

- You, out!

- Hey, you can't do this to me.

Thug!

Jackboot!

By the way, mind telling me how much you make?

- Caught you!

- Andrea?

- Well, you found me.

Now you can make fun of the pathetic goth chick

whose parents make her work at a crappy job

in a stupid warehouse store.

Go on, cut me up like you do everyone else.

- I just want a shoelace.

- Besides, I don't think we could cut you up

any better than you just did.

- Oh, shoelaces.

Aisle 197b.

- Thanks.

Um, we never saw you.

- We never saw each other.

- Look, a case of ras-cranberry lip gloss.

- Um, babe, maybe we already got enough stuff.

- You're right.

I probably don't need flavored lip gloss,

seeing as how I won't be kissing anyone any time soon.

- Well, Doug, I must say I'm shocked--pleased--

that you're as concerned about Kevin's academic performance

as I am.

- Damn straight.

You know what we need to do?

Cut back on things that distract my son

from what's really important...

- I couldn't agree more. - Football!

Now, there's got to be some arrangement you can make

so Kevin can stop worrying about his grades

and concentrate on bringing home the state championship.

- I--I'm not sure what you're saying.

- Aw, hell, I'm saying just pass the boy.

- Oh, dear!

- Remind me to pay for these.

Hey, nothing says I'm sorry like an herb grow roadkill.

- Hm.

I hope Tom doesn't already have one.

Hey, if we leave now, I might make that deadline after all.

- I'm sure we'll be out in two hours,

three, tops.

- Those boysen-cran-straw candles stink, man.

- Yeah, chicks like 'em, though.

- Ugh, what is that smell? - Ew.

- Gee, Stacy, do you think you got enough cotton balls?

- But I'm completely out,

and this was the smallest bag they had.

- I just hope people don't see that

and think you have a huge skin oil problem.

- Oh, no!

- Kevie, you really do care!

- Of course I do, babe.

Um, babe, I feel like we forgot something.

- Lip gloss, perfume, flowers...

I don't think so.

- Cool!

The light at the end of the roach motel.

- Hot grease!

Argh!

- Hey!

Clang!

- Of course.

- Perhaps if I worked with Kevin after school...

- Look, either pass the boy or get off my property!

- Leave him alone, you testosterone-crazed neanderthal.

- You gonna let a woman fight your battles for you?

You wuss.

- Now, Doug... - Hi-ya!

- Payday is currently experiencing

a temporary power outage.

Sales of butane, propane, methane, gasoline,

and other combustibles will be temporarily suspended

until the sprinklers and ventilation system

are working again and we can get the damn doors open.

Thank you for shopping the payday way.

- Oh, no!

Kevie, someone stole our cart.

Kevie?

- Would whoever has their hand on my butt

please remove it this instant?

- Daria? - Yeah?

- Gummy bear?

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