Original subtitles

- Ugh, sugar tarts?

Haven't you ever heard the expression

"you eat what you are"?

- Haven't you ever heard the expression

"get the hell away from me"?

- You want some milk, kiddo?

- No, thanks.

Read the warning label.

"Contains tryptophane, highly relaxing,

do not combine with high school."

- I don't see that.

Does milk really relax you?

- It's not quite as effective

when diluted with three cups of coffee.

- Good morning! - Mom?

- Who'd like a nice hot breakfast a la Helen?

- Hot break--

honey, you're not going through "the change," are you?

- My 7:00 a.m. meeting got cancelled,

so I thought we could enjoy some extra family time.

Daria, can I make you breakfast?

- Sure, push the lever.

- Daria! Sugar tarts?

- Hey, it's not my fault frozen burritos won't fit.

- Jake, Quinn, can I get you anything?

- Actually, I saw these

really cute zipper boots at cashman's.

- I meant for breakfast.

- I could wear them during breakfast.

- Eric? What?

When? How?

Of course not, not a problem.

- You know, now that you mention it, honey,

I could sure use one of your egg white omelets.

Yum.

- Jake, can't you ever think of anyone but yourself?

I've got a huge emergency at the office.

My 7:00's back on, and I'm late.

- What'd I do?

- Damn, I'll have to make my own breakfast.

Now I'm too tired to eat.

- Absolutely.

Consider it done.

I'll stay here all night if I have to.

We're just happy to be in business with you.

Bye-bye.

What is it?

- That Mr. O'Neill is on the line

about the parent-teacher meeting.

I need to know which excuse to give.

- Hmm.

Tell him I have to do my pro bono work

with the free clinic.

We haven't used that one in a while.

What?

You think I'm a rotten mother?

- I would never say that, Helen.

- But you'd think it.

- Um...

- What?

Do you agree with me or don't you?

- May I go to the bathroom?

- Course, you can.

What kind of slave ship you think we're running here?

Strange woman.

- Oh, Eric.

Did I tell you what a privilege it was

to watch you in that meeting this morning?

The way you just reeled off the tax code was riveting.

- What can I say?

You build a top law firm;

you're bound to pick up a few tricks along the way.

- Well, anything I can do to keep the firm number one,

just let me know.

I'm not afraid of a little hard work or a lot.

- I know you're not.

That's what brings me in here today.

- The retreat?

- It's your turn, Helen.

The big dogs think you're ready.

- I don't know what to say.

The whole family?

- We want to get a look at Helen morgendorffer

wife, mother, lawyer.

And what we see just might lead to hat number four:

Partner.

- I hate the way I look in hats.

- A spa?

Great. I need a facial so bad.

- Don't get excited.

This says it's a spa for the soul.

Didn't you sell yours a while back?

- Who the hell is paying for this?

Damn it. Where's the milk?

- Relax, Jake. The firm's paying.

- "We exercise your inside instead of your outside."

Good, my pancreas could really use a workout.

- Ew!

What good is exercising

if you can't even see the results?

- Quinn, this is about family togetherness.

We get to have fun

while I get to show I'm partner material.

- I see.

We're being graded on our family life.

Gee, look at the time.

1984 already.

- Oh, daria, don't be silly.

Now, we have to fill out these questionnaires

so I can fax them over.

Isn't it nice they want to get to know us before we arrive?

- Sure, so they'll know who to make into a drone

and who just to kill outright.

- Jake, I could use some help here.

- Ah.

What?

- "Which animal would you rather be?

A dog, a seal, or a lion?"

- How about a bat?

- Bat's not an option.

- Write it in.

- Now explain your choice in a brief sentence.

- I've always wanted to sleep upside down

and spread rabies.

- Sounds more like it should go under "career goals,"

but all right.

- Okay, world, meet Jane-cam,

all Jane all the time.

Well, except naked time.

- You don't even like having your picture taken,

and now you're going to have strangers all over the country

observing your every move?

- All over the world.

It's a public service.

If my mundane little life

can somehow provide comfort to lonely web trollers,

then I'll know my time here on earth wasn't wasted.

- A noble cause.

It suits you well.

- And it requires practically no effort.

- That's what I meant.

- Beautiful.

Now, remember to keep this our little secret.

I don't want the camera to influence my guests' behavior.

Daria?

- Jake! We're going to be late.

Please step on it.

- What's the hurry?

We've got plenty of time.

Sit back and smell the roses.

- Which happen to have an aroma very similar to gas fumes.

- Sit back?

Have you lost your mind?

- Beautiful, beautiful tryptophane.

- We'll score that a "yes."

Give me that.

- Dad!

- Damn it, Helen!

What's the problem?

- Get out. I'm driving.

Thinking a little milk is going to calm you down,

that's the problem.

Of all the ridiculous ideas...

Give me that.

- Now, remember, no sudden movements.

- Uh-oh.

Four flew into the cuckoo's nest.

- Hello, I'm Helen morgendorffer.

This is my husband, Jake,

and my daughters, Quinn and daria.

- Oh, so you're daria.

- You've heard of me?

- Daria, we have a very nice room for you.

Do you like eggshell white?

- You got anything in gym mat gray?

- Excuse me, but what's going on here?

- We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire,

and, well, we're a little concerned.

- "Favorite pastime:

Changing water into wine"?

- I knew I should've gone with the burning bush.

- We think it might be best to put her

under a little thing we call "intensive observation."

- It's about time.

- Wait a minute.

There's nothing wrong with daria.

- Yeah, she's always like this.

- Quinn!

Our daughter has an eccentric sense of humor,

but she's perfectly fine.

- Don't listen to her.

She's one of the gamma people.

- Doctors, I think we got our hopes up.

Better leave this one alone.

- Can't we at least sedate her?

- Sorry.

- This is gonna be fun.

- A little wider.

We can't see all your fillings.

Nice save.

- Hello, daria.

I'm your one-on-one counselor.

Are you playing a game?

- No, just talking to the computer.

- Do you always talk to your computer?

- Only when the refrigerator's mad at me.

- Ah, you know, daria,

we often use humor as a barrier

to prevent others from trying to get too close.

- It doesn't seem to be working on you, however.

- What are you trying to hide?

- Nothing.

I love my mother very much

and feel that she'd make an excellent law partner.

Oh, dear.

I think I hear my ride.

- Daria, why don't we have a nice talk?

- All right, Helen.

I thought we might start off with a little word association.

Red. - Blue.

- Pen. - Pencil.

- Mag-- - subscription.

- Magnet.

- Oh, I thought you were going to say "magazine."

Magnet.

Um, metal.

No, wait. I can do better.

- Relax. - Relax?

How can I relax when someone says "relax" like that?

- No. "Relaxation."

It's one of the words.

- Oh, um, waste of freaking time.

Wait! Can I do that one over?

- Isn't someone gonna talk here?

- All right.

How do you feel about being here?

- Hey, it's not my nickel.

- Would that be a problem?

- Well, considering this is a work thing for my wife...

- And how does that make you feel?

- How does what make me feel?

- Being here for your wife.

- Fine.

- Really?

- A-okay.

- How long--

- I'm fine with it. Damn it!

- All right. Moving on.

Are you feeling a little stressed?

- Stressed?

Why do people keep telling me I'm stressed?

If I weren't stressed,

I'd get stressed by everyone telling me I'm stressed!

Any milk around here? I need some milk.

- Uh-huh.

How long have you had this chemical dependency?

- And sometimes conditioners

are really more like cream rinses

and cream rinses are more like conditioners,

but you never know until after you try them,

and by then, it's too late.

Of course, that just adds

to all the pressure I'm already under.

I mean, you wouldn't believe

all the decisions I have to make.

I wake up feeling like it's a flat shoe day,

but then after I brush my teeth,

it starts to feel more like a sandal day,

and you can't just go on

what you're gonna be wearing on your feet...

- Mom's resentful that she has to work so hard,

which obscures her guilt

about actually wanting to work so hard.

Dad's guilty about being less driven than mom

but thinks it's wrong to feel that way.

So he hides behind a smokescreen of cluelessness.

Quinn wears superficiality like a suit of armor,

'cause she's afraid of looking inside

and finding absolutely nothing.

And I'm so defended that I actively work

to make people dislike me

so I won't feel bad when they do.

Can I go now?

- Tell me, daria.

Have you ever been hypnotized?

- And then sandi went out

and got the same shoes that I had first--

the cute little t-straps with the glitter buckle--

and Stacey's like, "sandi, I love your sandals,"

like sandi had such great taste or something

when all she did was copy me.

I mean, everyone knows

I wrote the book on strappy sandals at lawndale,

not an actual book, of course.

That would make me some kind of an egghead freak.

Who do I talk to around here to schedule a facial?

- Don't be afraid. Don't worry to be hypnotized.

- Excuse me. I think I hear an accent.

White shoes. Ew.

- You are safe and warm in your secure cocoon.

Just think of your favorite place.

- Anywhere but here.

- Aha.

- Excuse me, but we're working.

- Why do you get the French guy?

- You're absolutely right.

You take him.

I'm going to my cocoon now.

- Wait, daria.

Who are you?

- I'm Quinn, daria's trainer.

- Now, that's healthy.

- I was just trying to hypnotize daria

in order to transcend her resistance.

- Oh, can I watch?

- You are safe and calm,

feeling a warm gentle breeze.

Every bone in your body is relaxing.

Easy. Easy.

At the count of ten,

you will tell me everything you're feeling

with no resistance.

- Oh, Caesar, please, don't poison me.

I could love you,

but those togas make your butt look so big.

- Oh, god.

- And what's with that headband?

Olive leaves are so b.C.

- It looks like she's experiencing

a past life regression.

- You've got the regression part right.

- Help, someone help me!

Some king wants to kill me for loving some soldier

or something before I've had time

to pass on my secret formula for eye liner.

Oh, Caesar, you big idiot, do something!

- Impressive grasp of history,

but she forgot the part where they all board Noah's ark

for a Caribbean cruise.

- Daria, I was afraid you had some

rather deep-seated problems.

But I must say,

you're remarkably well-adjusted... considering.

- You'd think someone

would've invented eye liner before me.

But no, I, Cleopatra,

have to come up with all my beauty products on my own.

What a hard life.

- At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers

and hopefully remember none of this.

- Well, I guess this beats the dental floss.

Don't pick your nose.

Don't pick your nose.

- Hey, where's Jean-Michel?

- I think he's in his office,

showing inkblots to Mark Antony.

- Why does he have so many patients?

- Helen, Jake, let's take this time to explore

some of your life partner issues.

- Issues?

I don't want to talk about issues, this whole--

- now calm down, Jake.

We have nothing to hide.

I'm sure our issues aren't any more serious

than any other highly successful working couples.

- That's what I mean.

- Right, our issues aren't any more serious.

- Why don't we find out?

Jake, how are you feeling right now?

- Actually, i'm--

- because our commitment to each other is so strong.

- Damn it, Helen!

She's always interrupting me

like my opinions don't count.

- But you didn't say anything.

- Helen, please let him finish.

- Yeah.

- Sorry.

- Okay. Well, um...

That's all I wanted to say.

- Doctor, i--

- she thinks just because she's the big fat lawyer

she can run right over me.

- What Jake means is--

- Helen, we're talking about Jake now.

We'll get to your control issues soon.

- Control issues?

- Damn straight.

She tells me what to do,

how to drive, what to eat.

She won't even let me drink milk if I want to,

innocent, pure milk.

Got milk?

Not jakey. Damn it.

- Excellent, Jake, excellent.

- Oh, for the love of--

- Helen, please.

- Hey, I suddenly feel lighter.

This therapy stuff really works.

- Maybe I do use food for comfort,

but at least a chocolate bar

never told me I was an accident.

- What did the chocolate bar say to you?

- Jean-Michel?

I want to do more of that past life repression.

- Quinn, this is a private session.

We're discussing a very serious problem.

- Oh. A problem?

Have you considered vertical stripes?

They're a lot more slimming than polka-dots.

- Quinn, out now.

- Okay.

- Wait, tell me more about the vertical stripes.

- Could a steady diet of pet food

bring out the animal in you?

Got a dog dish full of love,

tonight on sick, sad world.

- Don't even think about it.

- Wow, listen to him repeat the same phrase

over and over again without falling asleep.

- Wiggle your butt and lip-synch at the same time?

That's star power, baby.

- Oh, yeah?

- Oh, no.

Oh, god.

This is too painful.

Oh, look, dear, the kravitzes are here.

- Wow, what show was that?

- All right, morgendorffers.

I've analyzed the data from your individual sessions,

and I realize what we need to do.

- Finally, facials.

- Actually, I think we need

to wear each others' faces for a while.

- Ew!

Like that movie with that guy and that other guy?

- Can I do the surgery?

- No, no, no.

I'm talking about a little role-playing.

- I'll play the role of the crazed surgeon.

Scalpel.

- Why don't you try being each other?

- Do you have a problem with that, Helen?

- I think she was still being daria.

- Well, why don't you be daria?

- Oh, god.

Just throw me in front of a train, why don't you?

- Oh, come on.

It can't be that bad. Give it a try.

- I just did.

- Oh.

- I am not suicidal.

- All right, daria.

Now can you be Quinn?

- Okay. Now I'm suicidal.

- Maybe the grown-ups can lead the way here.

Helen and Jake, go on.

Switcheroo.

- Um, gee, I don't know if I can do this.

Well, I'll give it a try.

Oh, hi, Eric!

Nope, just walked in.

Thought I'd make dinner for my--what?

You have a hangnail?

I'll be right over.

- Uh-uh-uh, Jake.

- I mean, damn it!

I lost another client.

I can't understand why. Damn it.

Nobody likes poor old Jake.

Should I think about the reasons?

Oh, must be my father's fault.

Where's the newspaper? Damn it.

- Look at the time.

Gee, dear, you'll have to tell me about

your deepest fears and worries when I get back.

I've got a big meeting, so I better run.

- No matter, I'm not saying anything relevant anyway.

I'm lost in a fog when I'm not flying into a rage.

- Oh, jakey.

Let me bring home a pizza.

I have to be the one doing everything

so everyone will thank me

and tell me what a big superwoman I am.

I'm very, very important and very, very stressed,

and I don't have time

to actually do anything for anyone else,

but I can pretend I care, can't I?

- Everybody hates me.

- Are you being daria now?

- Stay with it, everyone.

This is good stuff.

- I've given everything I've got,

but it's just not enough.

Well, I've got nothing left to give.

- Helen! Helen, wait!

- That worked well.

- Quinn, what do you think about what just happened?

- I think this spa would get a lot more business

if you just offered facials.

- Oh.

- Um, mom, what are you doing?

- Oh, I thought I'd just wait in the car until we leave.

- Tomorrow morning?

- Well, at least I wouldn't be abandoning or ignoring anyone

or ruining their lives.

- Oh, come on, mom.

- Look what I've done to my family.

Your father feels completely neglected and resentful.

I've shut you out so many times

you don't even try to talk to me,

and Quinn, well, I can't even think about

what happened there, not right now.

Oh, my god, daria.

You didn't hear that.

- Didn't hear a thing.

- Daria.

- Look, mom.

Dad has to feel neglected.

It's how he stays the center of attention.

And the reason I don't talk to you

is that I know you'll hang on my every word,

and frankly, who needs that kind of responsibility?

And as for Quinn, well,

I can't even think about what happened there.

Oh, my.

- So you get carried away with the job.

Big deal.

You're just as committed to the family.

- I try to be.

- You're very grounded.

It's why you're half-crazy.

- You really don't hate me for working so hard?

- I came to this stupid place

and pretended to be well-adjusted, didn't I?

- Hmm.

- Well, anyway. I came to this stupid place.

- Helen! Helen!

Thank god I found you!

Look, Helen, about that superwoman stuff,

that wasn't me; That was the milk talking.

- No, Jake.

We both said some things in the heat of the moment.

Right?

- Right.

Um, what'd you say again?

- Never mind.

First thing in the morning,

we're leaving, and I'll drive.

I don't like what that milk's done

to your acceleration,

not to mention what it's probably doing

to your cholesterol.

- Cholesterol? Milk has cholesterol?

Damn it, Helen! How could you let me--

- hey, what's everyone doing out here?

- Sharing a warm family moment.

- All right, all right.

I can take a hint.

- Look, Eric, about that retreat.

- Too late, I've already read the results.

"Helen morgendorffer suffers from

"overarching competitive aggression,

"unhealthy self-involvement,

"a gross insensitivity to others' needs,

and an overriding conviction that she is always right."

- I think what the counselors are trying to say is--

- never mind.

What I'm trying to say is

congratulations.

You're being put on the partnership fast track.

- I am?

- Of course.

This willingness of yours to put career ahead of family and home

is just the stick-to-it-iveness we look for in a partner.

Come on.

Let's go to that hearing and kick some wussy ass.

I heard their lead attorney took paternity leave last year.

Ha!

- The way I see it,

the failure of Jane-cam speaks to the inability

of the most sophisticated technology

to supplant the most basic human emotions.

- In other words, the inability of Tom

to appreciate the violation of his privacy?

- You saw that?

- Not just me, the world.

- Not quite the world.

Jane-cam only got eight hits the whole time,

and you were three of them.

- It's a small world after all.

- Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey.

- You and Tom have made up, no doubt.

- We did, until he read the fan mail.

- You got fan mail?

- Well, Tom did, from some inmates.

He wasn't pleased.

- Figures, he makes one lousy video

and then forgets the people who made him number one.

- That's disgusting.

Chocolate cake for breakfast?

- It's too early for lunch.

- Dad, aren't you gonna say anything?

- What the hell is sodium hexametaphosphate?

- Morning. Gotta go.

Big meeting of the future partners.

- Thanks, but I couldn't eat another bite.

The pancakes sure were scrumptious, though.

- Hey!

How come I didn't get any pancakes?