Original subtitles

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Listen to this seminar.

"Out-of-this-world profits with martian-themed restaurants."

This eat-ertainment conference is going to be great.

- Stomach pumps sold separately.

- Hey, look.

The keynote speaker is Terry Barry Barlow.

He's a franchising genius,

made $40 million off the pizza forest chain.

- All on the backs of minimum-wage chipmunks.

- Jake, I don't have to attend any of these workshops, do I?

- Of course not.

That's the beauty of tax-deductible conferences.

You just sit by the pool and look hot.

- Where are those damn stomach pumps?

- Good, because I haven't had a day off in--

- wait.

You're leaving me here alone with daria all weekend?

- Relax.

I'll use the popular thumbscrews.

- I guess if I schedule

morning, afternoon, and evening dates--

- no dating while we're out of town.

- Mom!

- The boys of lawndale will just have to suffer.

I'll tell you what.

You can each invite one friend over for company.

- But how am I supposed to choose just one friend?

- Throw them in a lake

and see who Bobs to the surface first?

- Quinn, are you busy Saturday?

I know you like boys 'r' guys, so I bought two tickets.

- I got three, 'cause I know

how you hate other people's elbows.

- Genius, then you need five seats:

Empty, me, empty, Quinn, empty.

- Uh, sorry, guys, but I'm busy.

Thanks anyway.

- What am I gonna do with these?

I hate boys 'r' guys.

- Boys 'r' guys suck.

- Gee, Quinn, your date Saturday must be really cute

for you not to blow him off for a concert.

- Yeah.

What about priorities?

- Actually, I don't even have a date.

I'm staying home.

- Oh, no.

- Quinn morgendorffer,

as president of the fashion club,

I'm afraid I must relieve you of all vice presidential duties

until you have regained your senses.

Your lipstick, please.

- Um, sandi,

so many guys asked me out this weekend

that I figured if I stay home this once,

they'll all want to go out with me even more.

- Crafty.

- I know you guys have dates,

but Stacey, if you're not doing anything,

would you like to sleep over Saturday?

- Sure.

- So what you're saying, Quinn,

is that you and Stacey

are more unavailable than me and Tiffany.

- Um, don't be ridiculous, sandi.

I want you all to come over.

- Oh, we're gonna have so much fun.

- This is going to be fun.

I haven't had a sleepover...

- Hmm.

I sense a worrisome teen conspiracy afoot.

- No, Quinn's just obeying orders

by inviting one person to sleep over this weekend three times.

- And how will she be explaining the extra daughters

to Jake and Helen?

- They're going out of town.

You mind if I come over Saturday night?

Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll end up doing time for

de-accessorizing a teenage girl with my bare hands.

- Guess I'll just have to visit you in the joint.

Tom and I are going bowling with his friends Saturday.

- Oh.

- You could tag along.

- No, thanks.

I'll just stay in and curl up with a good dose of strychnine.

- You know, daria,

no one is forcing you to stay home.

It's a big wide world out there.

- Yes.

It's the width I find so disturbing.

- Landing a big client like Terry Barry Barlow

is just the r.X. I need

to get the old profile back on high.

- That's nice, dear.

But I thought it was settled.

Isn't it enough they're paying

for the reconstructive surgery?

- Hey, this conference

is right near the museum of medical oddities.

Dad, would you mind swinging by the gift shop

and getting me a skull crusher?

- Sure thing, kiddo.

Skull crusher?

Ew.

- Okay!

I'll be there.

Damn!

Well, that's it.

I can't go to the conference.

The port-a-fry class action suit is back on.

- But, Helen, I need you.

The tickets are nonrefundable.

- I'm sorry, Jake. Really, I am.

But the firm's counting on me.

Tell you what,

go get yourself a new set of golf clubs, on me,

and you can think of me when you're hitting the ball,

really whack it.

I'd better go review my file.

- "The firm's counting on me."

God forbid I should count on anyone.

Little jakey has to learn to be self-sufficient.

It's weak to depend on other people.

"Hey, you don't mind spending the holidays

"in the barracks, do you, son?

The janitor will keep an eye on you."

Merry Christmas, dad...

In hell!

- Sure, we can play my boys 'r' guys cds

and the backyard boys and boys from the street

and boys in suits and gang of boys and--

- fish got to swim, and birds got to fly,

but not when you bake them both in a pie.

Sunday brunch in the loony bin,

next on sick, sad world.

- Why am I the one who's always deserted?

The one there's never room for in the car?

- Um, dad, I'd go with you, but--

- "I'd go with you,

"but the dog needs his nails clipped.

Happy wedding, son."

- And then we can watch

Before they were supermodels.

- Before they were supermodels?

I will go with you, dad,

if I can stop off at the museum and check out the sliced man.

- You're on, kiddo.

Sliced man?

Ew.

- You know, honey,

you could really turn this change of plans

into something very positive.

You're not getting out of the golf clubs, Helen.

- I mean this trip is a chance

to really get to know your daughter as a person:

Her hopes, her dreams, her fears.

- Aw, Helen, do I have to?

- Jake.

- But I'm scared.

I love business class.

Complimentary cocktails,

armrests you can really get a grip on.

We're all gonna die.

How about a refill here?

- Dad, maybe you should go easy

on the complimentary cocktails.

- You're right.

Need a distraction. Need a distraction.

"I did it. Why can't you?"

Did you know Terry Barry Barlow

saved the lives of his entire ballooning crew

in an ice storm?

He climbed up the ropes

and opened the rip panel with his teeth.

- I just performed a similar act of bravery

on this bag of peanuts.

- Of course, we've got three-pronged outlets, sandi.

What do you think this is, uncivilization?

- They settled?

Damn it, Eric.

This is a very important weekend for Jake,

and I was gonna--

oh, stop it, Eric.

You do not. You do not.

Oh, very well.

You sleep better at night knowing I'm on the job.

You know, I do try.

Oh, sure, you have to take that call.

Bye. - Bye.

Well, honey, it looks like your mom

will be around the house this weekend after all.

- What? I mean great.

By the way, did I mention sandi and Tiffany

are coming over along with Stacey?

Well, I better go inventory the q-tips.

- Quinn! I said one guest.

- I know, but daria and her friend aren't staying,

so I had to get someone to fill in the slots.

But if it's a problem, we can just go to sandi's,

because I know her mother would be--

- fine. Your friends can stay here.

Like I would give Linda the satisfaction.

- Maybe I need to stop blaming dad for my problems

and concentrate on being the best father I can,

really reach out to my little girl,

who always looks so lonely,

and tell her, "I'm here for you.

I always will be."

You know, the peanut really is a second-class nut.

Now, cashews, those are what the big guys eat, the CEOs.

- I don't care if he's afraid of heights,

but he's afraid to be afraid.

That's what's so heartbreaking.

He's my father.

Shouldn't I let down the barricades for once

and tell him I think he's a hero?

How did a salted goldfish get in here?

Weird.

- Hi, girls. Popcorn?

- Gee, Quinn.

You didn't tell us your mother was going to be here.

- Last-minute change of plans.

Thanks, mom, bye now.

- Wait, Quinn.

You didn't ask your mother if she might like a makeover.

- Oh, yes! - Yeah.

- Oh, sandi, what a great idea.

But you don't have time for a makeover, do you, mom?

- I suppose not.

- I guess it's just as well.

If I make you look ten years younger,

you'll just have to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe.

- Actually, a makeover sounds like fun.

I'll go change into my pajamas.

- Dear god, not the ones with the bumblebees.

- What do you mean you don't have it?

Two adjacent rooms.

Morgendorffer.

"M" as in "mad as hell."

- I'm sorry. I just don't see it.

- Jake?

Jake morgendorffer.

- Jodie's parents?

- How you doing, big guy?

- Oh, hi, Andrew.

- Good to see you.

- Hello, Michele. - Hi.

- Hi.

- How nice of you to bring your daughter, Jake.

- Oh, Helen had some last-minute work come up.

- Real go-getter, huh?

- And I suppose that makes me the woman behind the man?

Because I'm going back to work as soon as Evan's in day care.

- No son of mine is going in a day care.

Montessori, my butt.

Why not just throw him to the wolves?

Give a call, Jake.

We'll grab a drink before the reception.

We'll be in the tower, penthouse "c."

- The tower?

- Mr. Morgendorffer?

I think I found you something.

You're not sensitive to the sounds or smells

of a kitchen exhaust fan, are you?

- This is very nice of you, sandi.

- My pleasure.

I like to give back to the community, Helen.

- Helen?

Oh, when will it end?

When will it end?

- Are you sure about this foundation?

- A matte finish is always best for concealing age spots.

- You know, sandi,

a freckle or a line here or there is no sin.

A few lines in a woman's face show character.

- Hmm.

- Except for the mean little ones

some people get at the corners of their mouth

from scowling too much.

- Shall I pluck your eyebrows now?

- In a truly civilized society,

wisdom would count more than appearance,

and a grown woman of accomplishment

wouldn't be run out of town

for sprouting a few tiny crow's feet.

Sandi, do you think your mother knows a good collagen man?

- Shall I ask her?

- No!

- I don't know, Jake.

Most of the companies here

look a little on the small-fry side for me,

but there's no reason why you shouldn't

drum up some business.

- Shall I go get the Tom-Toms?

- Oh, look, Terry Barry Barlow.

Haven't seen him since entrepreneurfest 3000.

Did you know he saved his balloon crew's lives

in an ice storm?

- And I'll bet he never talks about it.

- Tore open the rip panel with his teeth.

- He's so...

- Munch-er-oic?

- Andrew Landon, how the hell are you?

- Doubling my net worth every six months.

- If you done it, it ain't bragging.

- Well, look who I'm talking to.

Hey, have you met my wife, Michele?

- Former senior v.P. At U.S. world.

- Impressive. Who are you with now?

- Actually, I'm taking a brief hiatus.

We recently had a son.

- One of the unfortunate side effects of Viagra.

Ha, just kidding.

Got a pair of newborns myself.

Pay their mother a nice settlement too.

- Want to check out the potato salad swan?

- Lead the way.

- Oh, Barlow, this is Jake morgendorffer.

His daughter goes to school with ours.

- Ah, the little four-eyed girl.

Nice to meet you, really, really great.

- Jake morgendorffer consulting.

By consulting, I mean--

- let me tell you something, Landon.

My new chain is going to blow the lid

off the simulated regional family-style sector.

Alligator alley, New Orleans cuisine,

live alligator wrestling.

- You've got guts, Barlow.

The conventional wisdom says theme restaurants have peaked.

- That's why they call it conventional wisdom.

Shift the paradigm.

- Push the envelope.

- Think outside the box.

- Are crocodiles alligators,

or is it the other way around?

- What if this girl's boyfriend

doesn't appreciate her as much as he used to?

What if what was once a hot relationship

is now sort of a drag?

Let's say they've been going steady for--

oh, I don't know-- 20 years.

- Well, obviously she should flirt with his friends.

- I say break up, ideally, on his birthday.

- These cheddar cheese biscotti are awful.

- So is the sight of grown men trying to outshake each other.

- Excuse me, daria.

I'm going to retrieve my husband before he breaks his hand

and I have to dress two babies every morning.

- All I'm saying is,

you can pile up your market research

like cow pies in a pasture.

They're still no substitute for talking to the people.

Take your daughter there, Jack.

- Jake.

- One conversation with her

will tell me more than a 50-page report

from some fancy-shmancy consulting firm.

Say, what did you say you do again?

- These cheddar cheese biscotti are great.

- Wearing braids with a headband is so wrong.

- No one answer it.

We're supposed to be unavailable.

Hi, I'm not here,

but if you want to schedule a date,

please leave the time and day desired

and your car's model, year, and color,

and maybe I'll get back to you.

Bye.

- Hey, Quinn, it's Scott.

We were hoping to see you at Ricky's,

but you're not here.

Hope everything's okay.

- Did you reach Quinn?

- Is she all right?

- Want to buy some boys 'r' guys tickets?

- Why is Scott calling you?

I thought he liked me.

- Ricky's having a party?

I can't believe he didn't invite me.

I thought he thought I was cute.

- Stacey, it's not really a party.

- That still doesn't explain

why you stole Scott away from me.

- But, sandi, you said you didn't even like Scott.

You said his fingers were too pudgy.

- Yellow sandals are so wrong.

- Honey, Terry Barry Barlow wants to talk to you.

Can you believe it?

- There's so much about this day I can't believe.

- Say, Darlene.

Would alligator wrestling get you into a restaurant?

- Of course, it would.

- That depends.

Is there a restaurant next door with cockfights?

Darlene, you're sharp.

You remind me of me.

- Yeah. Uh, me too.

- You two like ballooning?

- Ballooning? Like up in the air?

- These conferences are dull as dirt.

Let's sneak off tomorrow morning for a spin in my balloon.

We can be back in time for the keynote address.

- Way up in the air?

Sounds great.

Yeah, that'll be fun.

Right, daria?

- More fun than a barrel of alligators.

- Daria?

Okay, meet me out front at 5:00 a.m.

- I thought you were afraid of heights.

- Oh, uh, that was a long time ago.

- Well, morgendorffer,

the other cadets are going to turn in.

They're all tuckered out from laughing at your cowardice.

Guess I'll have to leave you here for the night.

By the way, your father called,

and I told him all about it.

He says don't bother coming home for easter.

- Help me?

- Get a good night's sleep, kiddo.

I'll wake you at 4:30. - Can't.

I have a date at the museum of medical oddities tomorrow

with a salivary gland tumor, remember?

- But, daria, this balloon ride is my big break.

Alligator alley is going to need lots of marketing know-how.

We're a team, right?

- Very much like an olympic skating duo

without the sequins.

- Aw, you're right.

Why should you help me out?

Here we've spent a whole day together,

and I haven't even tried

to find out, um, your dreams and fears.

- My biggest fear right now is that I'll wake up

and this conversation won't be a dream.

Do you think we should hang out more?

You know, bond?

- Um, I guess we could.

- Ha. - Hmm.

On the other hand,

you know how we always sit in the kitchen together

reading the paper and not talking?

- Is this a trick question?

- Maybe our father-daughter relationship

has reached that rare level where we no longer

have to go through the motions of empty conversation.

That's bonding.

- Yeah, but your mother thinks

there's a lot of stuff I don't know about you.

- 6 1/2 "b."

- I don't want to know that!

- It's my shoe size.

- Oh. 10 "d."

- Okay, now that we know each other's deepest secrets,

I say it's time to hit the sack.

And I'll see you at 4:30.

- Great!

Stupid!

No matter what I do, pillow hair.

- This papaya jojoba overnight facial mask

is really itchy.

- I'm warning you guys,

I don't look my best in the morning.

I hope I don't scare you.

Oh, sandi, I just hope I don't scare you.

- Are you sure you don't mind me taking the bed?

If it weren't for my condition--

- oh, yeah, your condition.

- Of course not.

Well, sweet dreams, everyone.

- Sweet dreams. - Good night.

- Sandi!

- Quinn!

- Did you have a bad dream?

- A real nightmare.

- Me too.

- What was yours about?

- Um, someone hurting puppies.

- Mine was about orphans who needed ankle boots.

Well, back to sleep.

- Night.

- What's your fancy, Jake?

Play tag with the treetops

or go out over the water for a mile or two?

- Oh, uh, whatever is more bold and exciting.

- I hear they have a bold and exciting brunch

back at the hotel.

- Where is the crew?

It is time for the get-go.

- You're looking at them, arno.

My new compadres, Jake and daria mogendavid.

- That's-- - don't bother.

- You'd put our lives in the hands

of a teenager and a confused man?

- Hey!

- Also, I do not like the looks of those cumulus.

No, no flight today.

- Prepare for takeoff now!

When I say "frog," I expect you to jump.

- I am not a hoppy thing.

I am a world-class balloonist.

- Who pays your salary, blondie?

I made you, and I can break you.

- Oh, yes?

Well, how would CNN Mr. George Bernie Shaw

like to know I am the one

who ripped the balloon open with my teeth?

And I myself have the dental records to prove so.

- I feel terrible.

- I feel horrible.

- Pillow hair.

- Rash.

- Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Morgendorffer,

but we were worried about Quinn.

- No one's seen her all weekend.

Did she elope or something?

- Please say no.

- You don't look tired at all, Quinn.

If I were you, I wouldn't even wear makeup today.

- Hi, Quinn.

- I sell my soul to wet-nurse the whiny billionaire,

and someone else balloons around the world first.

Oh, Denmark, how I have failed you.

- You could still be the first to fly around the world twice.

- Teen girl is right.

I shall do it.

Beginning now, I quit.

- Next time, I get a Norwegian.

Well, let's get cracking.

Jake, get into the gondola and man the burner.

- Whoops.

Broke the zipper on my sweatshirt.

No can do.

- A little nervous, huh, Jake?

You know how I got where I am today?

- I know it had something to do with balloon biting.

- Pure guts.

I've been face-to-face with bengal tigers,

himalayan snow squalls,

strange kids calling out, "daddy!"

Did I let fear paralyze me?

No way.

- I'm not afraid of you,

you clouds that are looking an awful lot

like dad's face right now!

Let's balloon!

- Come on, daria!

- Gee, I don't think so.

While I love a good air disaster as much as the next person,

I was hoping my father and I would both be around long enough

for him to squander my inheritance

on telemarketing scams and digitalis.

- Kiddo, where are you going?

- What do you think you're doing?

- Refusing to have anything to do

with an unmanageable bag of hot air or his balloon.

- Oh, yeah? Well, screw this crap.

I'm going sailing.

- Oh, well, no ballooning today. Darn it.

- Um, dad?

- Don't worry, daria.

It's beautiful up here.

I'm not afraid!

I finally know what it is to conquer my fears!

Nothing can stop me now!

Mommy?

- Watch out for that tree.

- What if this girl's boyfriend

doesn't appreciate her as much as he used to?

What if what was once a hot relationship

is now sort of a drag?

Let's say they've been going steady for--

I don't know--20 years.

- Sorry that balloon ride

didn't work out the way you wanted.

- I'm fine, daria.

Damn it. I'm more than fine.

This experience has given me a new jolt of confidence.

Oh, sure, it was painful having that branch removed,

but I've conquered a fear

that's been with me ever since childhood.

I'm not afraid of anything now.

I owe you one, kiddo.

- Well, we still have a few hours

before we're due at the airport.

- Is that a--

could that really be a--

ew.