Original subtitles

- Can you teach an old dog to turn tricks?

Ruff!

Canine call girls next on sick, sad world.

Daria, have you seen my new teenage superstars magazine?

- I couldn't help myself.

I've plastered my walls with its hot, sexy pinups.

- I'll ask mom.

- Daria, have you seen your father?

Did you look under the teenage superstars magazine?

- I'll ask Quinn.

- ...need some money for new clothes

for the standardized test,

because I hate filling in

those little circles in an old outfit.

- Now, did you see your father?

When was the last time you saw him?

- Hello? Anybody?

Please?

Is anybody out there?

Am I the only one left in the house?

- If I help you with the first question,

will you try to do the second one on your own?

- Daria, thank god!

Your mother's at her work thing,

and Quinn's at her school thing, and...

I thought I'd be stuck in here forever.

- Okay, listen closely.

There's a knob on the door.

Turn it counterclockwise.

- We're all out of toilet paper, kiddo!

Would you believe it? - Oh.

Well, I'll go grab some from downstairs.

- There isn't any downstairs.

That's why I ran up here.

Damn heart-smart chili.

- I see.

Walking away now with too much information.

- Kiddo, could you hurry over to drugs 'n' stuff

and pick up a few rolls?

- I get stuck on the "hurry" part.

- Damn it.

How in hell would Helen handle this?

"How in hell would Helen"--

hey, I bet that's one of those backwards-and-forward things!

No, I guess not.

- I can hear you, you know.

And she'd offer me a bribe. - Yeah!

If you can make it back in 15 minutes,

I'll give you five bucks.

- A decent bribe.

- 20! - You're on.

See you in a few minutes. - Hurry, kiddo!

This teenage superstars magazine is only 64 pages.

- Ten minutes.

I'll never make it home in time to get that 20.

Of course, I could always turn back

all the clocks in the house,

but how will I get to his wristwatch?

I wonder if they sell chloroform here.

- Next. Can I help you, dear?

- No, I just came to enjoy your reenactment

of the fall of Saigon.

- You mean the crowd?

Well, what do you expect on homecoming night?

- Homecoming night?

- Everyone in town is lining up to see the parade.

- Now, really look inside your work,

and ask, "in focusing so intently on my subject,

have I neglected my negative space?"

Daria. Have you seen Jane?

- Not lately.

- I was hoping she might help us paint windows.

We need her color sense.

- Cece, I'm going to throw paint on you!

Now, Gary, don't you dare!

- No, people. Treasure your medium.

- Must get home. Must get home.

Ah!

- You'll pay through the nose for that shot, missy...

Unless you can give me a plausible reason

for your being here.

- I was having too much fun at home,

so I thought I'd go out and get killed

by an unstable parade float.

- Yep, through the nose.

- I'd stay and talk,

but I've got 20 bucks riding on my quick escape.

Join me?

- Got a date with a thoughtless delinquent.

- You're meeting Tom here?

- What better place than a high school homecoming

to chronicle the anarchic death spiral of western society?

- So your date consists of making fun of people.

- If you must be all simplistic about it.

And you're here because...

- My dad sent me on an emergency errand,

and I got stranded.

- I'm betting he's stranded too.

Oh, look!

Hope you have time for a cheer before you go.

- Okay, girls, let's pump up the spirit.

Who's the team that's number one?

Lawndale! Lawndale!

Who's the team that's lots of fun?

Lawndale! Lawndale!

Go...

Football!

Hmm!

- Kevin, maybe we shouldn't be so friendly up here.

- Relax, babe.

You're the football sweetheart, and I'm the q.B.

I'm supposed to be touching you and stuff.

It's the law.

- But Brittany's my friend, and she's right there.

- Hey, we're elected officials.

It's like manifold destiny.

- Um, Kevin?

We're all supposed to be throwing candy.

- Cool! - Ouch!

Oh, that really hurt! Oh, my god.

- Check it out;

I'll catch it in my mouth. Ow!

- That's it.

When the candy reaches escape velocity,

it's time to leave.

- Where the hell is Tom?

He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.

- I wouldn't let it bother you.

Just because he's a few minutes late doesn't mean

he's an inconsiderate jerk

who will ultimately bring you nothing but misery.

- I'm glad you're starting to warm to him.

- I need to cross this street now

if I want to make it home before the next ice age.

See you.

- Godspeed, Indiana morgendorffer.

- Ms. Morgendorffer, where do you think you're going?

- Slowly insane, but I need to pop in at home first.

- As principal of lawndale high,

I can't just permit spectators to cross a parade route.

- Right.

Isn't that how world war I started?

- If you were to get impaled on a float

or sexually harassed by a clown,

things could get ugly.

- Things already have,

but I don't have time to debate this right now.

- Crowd control inadequate.

Next year, consider electric fences.

- I can still make it back in time.

All I need is a catapult and a good tailwind.

- Rah, rah, rah!

We're number one!

- Um, I think the roaring '20s are back that way.

- Let's do the lawndale shuffle.

- How about the "get the hell away from me" slide?

- My head's too big.

- That's 'cause it's so full of dreams.

Thud!

- Rah, rah, rah.

Please help me up.

- Ms. Li's gone.

I'm out of here.

- Tad? - Daria?

Oh, daria, I'm scared.

- So am I.

Where are your mom and dad?

- I don't know.

I saw a windmill in the toy store window,

so I went to look,

'cause they're such a clean source of energy,

and when I turned around, everyone was gone.

Now I'm frightened I'll be stuck in this parade forever.

- I know the feeling. Let's find you a cop.

- Oh, no.

My dad says police officers too often utilize

excessive force in their quest for efficient pacification.

- And I'm sure your father has had more than his share

of scrapes with John law.

- Won't you stay with me, daria?

Come on.

Much to my surprise,

my conscience tells me I should help you find your parents.

- Hooray!

With you along, this'll be an exciting adventure,

like the travels of babar.

- Easy on the elephant comparisons, kid.

Stupid conscience.

- What's your favorite part of the parade, daria?

- The thigh. No, wait, the drumstick.

- Oh. I like the clowns.

- Of course you do.

Keep looking for your parents.

- I also like it when they throw candy from the floats.

- Since when do you eat candy?

You told me it was poison.

- Oh, it is, but every piece I catch

is one cavity some other boy or girl will never get.

That's what makes it so rewarding.

- Tad, when you brush your teeth,

do you ever scrub right through to your brain?

- Oh, look!

Do you think he'll be throwing candy from his car?

No, that car has things thrown at it.

- Do my eyes deceive me?

The divine Ms. Mmm.

And who, may I ask, is your young suitor?

- I'm not supposed to give my name to strange people.

- And they don't come any stranger than this.

- So quick to dismiss.

I like that... For a while.

But you'll change your tune

when you see what I've done with the back seat.

Does the notion of satin upholstery get you excited?

- Sure, if it's lining your coffin.

Feisty!

I'll be parked at the end of the parade route, gorgeous.

So remember, if the love machine's rocking,

by all means, come a-knocking!

- Daria?

- Oh. Tom.

Aren't you supposed to be with Jane?

She was waiting for you in front of drugs 'n' stuff.

- Oh.

She just said to meet at the pharmacy;

I thought she meant the other one.

I guess it was just a big misunderstanding.

- That's what pol pot said.

- He didn't mean to kill 2 million people;

he only wanted to scare them.

Anyway, who's this? - Tad.

Former baby-sitting job.

He's lost, and we're looking for his parents.

- Hiya, tad. I'm Tom.

Mind if I tag along with you guys?

- Actually, we'd be better off--

- we're both headed back toward drugs 'n' stuff.

We can help each other.

- If you really want to walk with us, fine,

but I don't think you'll find Jane.

I've never seen this street so crowded before.

- It is a stunning array of pod people.

It's times like these I'm glad I don't go to your school.

- Uh-huh.

And I suppose your Ivy-choked prep school is any better.

Wait a minute.

Was I just defending lawndale?

- You know, I think you were.

- We never had this conversation.

- What conversation?

- All this waving is making my arm tired.

Isn't there something else we can do?

- There was, until someone

handed out all our head shots at once.

- I didn't mean to.

Oh, I should have paced myself better.

- We should do something that showcases

our, like, charity and stuff.

- Perhaps we could select

a less fortunate girl from the audience

and give her a makeover.

- That is such a good idea, sandi.

- Maybe we should hop a float.

We could see more people that way,

and more people could see us.

I don't hop floats.

I don't hop.

- Come on, daria.

You gotta embrace the nightmare.

Don't you want to wave to the crowd?

- Look, Tom, I know that you and Jane

see this whole thing as a big joke,

but that's not me.

I stand corrected.

This whole thing is a big joke.

- Um, Quinn?

Isn't that your relative or whatever walking toward us?

- Oh, no.

Okay, we need to speed up now.

- Okay, pull harder. Ow, my back!

- This is perfect.

We can make her over.

- Wow! The crowd will be amazed.

- Wait, not that float.

- Daria, come on!

Don't leave me.

Daria!

- Okay, we looked.

Now, let's get down before--

- we'll need to apply some base.

But first some pre-base.

- Do you want to use my scrunchie?

Please use my scrunchie.

- I'll take the "before" picture.

- Call them off, or I start hugging you.

- You wouldn't dare!

- Try me.

- Isn't it great how they keep electing us

homecoming king and queen every year?

- Yes, it's such a generous and enlightened gesture.

It completely makes up

for the town's utter lack of diversity, in my mind.

- And we're playing into it.

- Damn college applications.

- This is so humiliating.

- This is so humiliating! Let go of me!

- Not until she holsters that hair spray.

- Um, Quinn's cousin or whatever?

Could you just let us pull your hair back?

It won't, like, hurt.

- That product was tested on bunnies and kitties.

- It was? - Duh.

That's why we use it...

So those cute animals didn't suffer in vain.

- Oh.

- You're a mean old witch.

- I am not old. - You're mean.

- I am not old...

- Quinn, your friend and her friends

aren't getting into the spirit.

- They shouldn't even be up here.

- There's a news flash.

We're looking for tad's parents.

Have you seen them?

- No. Now, get down.

- Come on, tad. Enough of this ivory tower.

Back to the streets.

- You don't respect other species' rights.

- Shove it, veggie boy.

- That girl just doesn't know what's good for her.

- Tell me about it.

- Wait till I tell my parents

I was on a real live float and I met an animal abuser.

- Uh-oh.

The animals are about to exact their revenge.

- Here we go, lawndale! Here we go!

- Didn't I just leave you for dead a while ago?

Beat it.

- Come on, let's have a cheer!

- She said beat it, Leo.

- Wow.

That was the modern equivalent

of laying your cape over a puddle of water for me.

- Well, I don't know you well enough

to wear my cape around you.

Wait a minute; Was that a smile I just saw?

- A twitch.

More of a tic, really.

- I knew you were having fun. Why hide it?

You need to learn how to laugh out loud

at the ridiculous horror of all this.

Look, cheerleaders!

- The lions can't be beat!

They're lightning on their feet!

They're the best team on our street

or lots of other streets. He touched her butt.

Did anyone else see?

He touched her butt!

Okay, Mr. Busy hands.

Let's see how your team does

without cheerleaders to back you up.

- Uh-oh!

- They're coming right for us!

Turn, turn!

- It's not designed to turn so fast.

- Wow.

- It's like the hindenburg.

- Oh, the lack of humanity.

- This is magnificent.

When homecoming parades turn hellish.

- Now aren't you glad you were here to see this?

- Well, I definitely understand

why you wanted to share this with Jane.

Sorry you never hooked up.

- It's okay.

By now she'd be so busy snapping pictures,

she'd forget I was even here.

You know how she is.

- Yeah, I know how she is.

- Thanks for getting lost in the moment with me.

- Um, you're welcome?

- Heh.

What do you think of all this, tad?

Tad? Tad?

- Oh, no. - He couldn't have gone far.

- Did we pass any windmills?

- Tad? Tad gupty?

- I was holding his hand last, daria.

I'll take responsibility.

- Maybe we should start waving again.

- Why play into this stupid charade

any more than we have to?

- We don't have to do anything.

Hell, we don't have to be up here.

- That's actually a good point.

What's the worst they could do to us?

- What happened?

- Oh, what the hell.

We may be tokens, but we're damn good-looking ones.

- Can't argue with that.

Hey, is that daria?

- What's she doing at a homecoming parade?

- Tad? Tad?

I can't believe this.

- Hey, it could be worse.

- Let's see.

In the past half-hour,

I've lost the chance to make 20 bucks,

lost my dignity on a float, and, oh, yeah,

I lost a seven-year-old child.

- Weren't you also carrying some toilet paper before?

- Yeah. Okay, now I'm angry.

- Daria! Tom!

I found my parents.

They were looking for me.

- Of course we were looking for you, honey.

We were so worried.

Daria, tad told us all about how you stayed with him.

- How can we ever repay you?

- I hear uncut diamonds are as good as cash

on the open market.

- Yes, well, thank you, daria.

The next time you baby-sit,

we'll be sure to have some extra carrot sticks

in the fridge just for you.

- Come on, honey. Daria here is a hero.

I say we get her some dried fruit.

- My cup runneth over.

- Mom, dad! We're missing the parade.

- Well, I guess we'd better find a good spot.

Thanks again, daria.

- Um, this is where I saw Jane before,

but she's not here now.

- We've done what we can.

I wouldn't stress about it.

We're having a good time, right?

- Help... me!

- Not you again. - Remember us?

We're the ones who don't enjoy your hilarious antics.

- Can't... breathe. - What's he saying?

- It's either "canned beef" or "can't breathe."

The latter.

- Hello? Where am I? Oh.

- I can't believe it. It's Mr. O'Neill.

- And he would have gotten away with it

if it weren't for us meddling kids.

- Oh, my.

Whenever I cut loose, I always go overboard.

Oh.

- Get going! - We can't.

- The parade stopped moving again.

- We can't just stay here forever.

The same people have been staring at us for too long.

- It's like looking into the sun.

It's, like, really pretty,

but if you do it for too long, you get wrinkles.

- Yeah. It kind of hurts too.

- Move! Move, you big, ugly vehicles!

- Ew!

- This is gross.

- Ugh!

- I don't understand.

Maybe the electric blanket

is putting undue stress on the battery.

- I don't care what your excuse is, Don guano.

You need to roll this car out of the way right now.

- That's the spirit. Let your blood boil.

- You're holding up the parade.

Now, get out of here, or we put on the cuffs.

Feisty.

Ow!

Ah!

- They're gonna kill him.

- Let's not get our hopes up.

- Thanks, daria. It's for the yearbook.

I'm getting some really great pictures of couples tonight.

- No, Ted, we're not a--

- I don't even go to this school.

- Well, it's about stinking time.

- We've been looking all over for you.

- What do you mean, "been looking"?

- Tom and I ran into each other.

We've been up and down the entire parade route.

- Together? And yet no torn clothes?

No blood? No missing organs?

- No, we got along pretty well.

Right, daria?

- Right, I guess.

- I said to meet at drugs 'n' stuff.

Where were you, you big dope?

- No, you said at the pharmacy.

- He was at the other one, waiting for you.

That's where I met him-- ran into him.

- Mm, I tried there too.

You guys must have left before I got there, I guess.

- I guess. - Well, come on.

Let's get some pizza and compare battle scars.

Come on, daria.

- Oh, my gosh! This is so much fun!

Oops, sorry.

- We're having a paint fight. Whoo!

- Oh, no, civilian casualties.

You look great, daria.

- I can't believe this.

Are you okay? - I'm--

- here, take my jacket.

Wish I'd worn my cape. - Huh?

- No, I'm fine.

Really, I've always wanted

an amazing technicolor dreamcoat.

- I've trained her well. Never fear paint.

- Come on, daria.

We'll stop by your house,

and you can shower and change before we head out.

- No, come out like that, daria.

Shake up your image.

- You know, why don't you two just go on ahead?

I think I'll skip the pizza tonight.

I need to go talk to pharaoh about his dreams.

- Aw, come on. - Yeah, come on, daria.

- I'm kind of beat.

- Okay, see you around.

- I'll call you later.

- Well, I never would have believed it.

Look at you, daria,

all decked out in the lawndale colors.

I knew if you just gave school spirit a chance,

you'd like it.

Go, lawndale!

Right, daria?

See you in class.

- Rah.

- Daria?

Daria?

Please come home, daria.

Come on; I've read this article about the Olsen twins

five times.

I knew I should've made it 30 bucks.

Damn it!

Captioning by captionmax www.Captionmax.Com