All language subtitles for Daria - S04E05 - The F Word

- So why, then, are we
constantly urging our students

to win at all costs.

We should be teaching them

that failure is not
the end of the world.

In fact, it's often
a stepping stone to success.

After his first attempts
at flight failed,

wilbur Wright said that
not within a thousand years

would man ever fly.

It took Thomas Edison
more than 2,000 experiments

before he invented
the lightbulb.

Failure is the signpost
that points the way to success.

- Oh.

Professor Bentley
was so inspiring.

I can't believe how much
I'm getting out of this seminar.

- More than the $20 a meal per
diem the rest of us are getting!

- No, no, no, we're all getting
the same amount,

and I think the $50--
oh, $20 that i'm--we're getting

is pretty generous.

Damn!

- I was especially intrigued
by his notion

of planting the seeds
of tomorrow

in the students of today.

- If he tried that around
any of my students,

they'd be the last damn seeds
he ever planted.

- Miss barch, please relax
and enjoy your surf and turf.

- Friggin' surf and turf.

"I will wake up refreshed
and ready

to meet life's challenges.

"I will wake up--

- What if there's
a Thomas Edison in my class

just waiting to be nurtured
and encouraged?

- Well, good night, anthon--

- Um, okay.

- Come on, skinny.

I picked the lock
to the housekeeping closet,

and we've only got four hours
till the maids arrive for work.

- Janet, I really think
we need to be more discreet.

- Nyah!

- Four hours?

So, class, your assignment
is to pick something

you know you'll fail at

to prove that failing
isn't the end of the world.

- There goes my motivation.
- Relax.

At least he's not making us
guess people's identities

by feeling their hands.

- Again.

- Brittany, what is something

you're sure you'd fail at?

- Um, I don't think
I could ever be unpopular.

- Excellent.

- I'm... right?

- It gets easier
after the first time.

- Brittany, you will fail
at becoming unpopular.

- Then I've already passed.

We'll talk later.

Who else wants to pick
what they're going to fail at?

Kevin, what about you?

- Me?

I'm the q.B.

- So you're saying you'd fail

at being a bad athlete.

Good, very good.

Jodie?

- My parents make me spend
my entire summer

doing volunteer work
that'll look good

on my college application.

I'd never be able
to get the summer off.

- Perfect.
Mack?

- I could try teaching Kevin

the three branches
of American government.

- Ah, come on, I know that one.

Republican, um...
Dominican, and aristocat.

- That's very good, mack.

- Hey, I'm the one who
gave the answer.

- Now, the rest of you
please pick something to fail at

so you can put it to the test.

- We're having a test too?

- So what are you gonna fail at,
giving a damn?

- I could fail to see the merit
of this assignment.

- Or succeed in finding it
a waste of time.

Maybe you should try failing
at not being sarcastic.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

- Sandi, how long till
the teen fashion extravaganza

opens at the mall?

- Five days, two hours,
and 23 minutes.

God, Stacy, why don't you get
a new watch?

One without a little cartoon
loser pointing at the time?

- I can't wait
for the extravaganza.

The come-buy-me smell
of new clothes,

the flashing lights
of the fashion show,

the crisp sound of tissue paper

as it's wrapped around
an alpaca sweater

with a matching silk "t."

- Stop it, Quinn.

You're making my head spin.

- My mouth, it's watering.

- I just picked
what I'm gonna fail at,

getting Quinn grounded
so she can't go to that thing.

- Excellent.

- This way,
if I blow the assignment

and Quinn is grounded,
I still win.

- Okay, now you got to help me
pick something to fail at,

something really impressive

that doesn't require any effort
of any kind.

- How about performing
brain surgery on Kevin?

- I said no effort.

Finding that brain
could take weeks.

- Then how about
being conventional,

looking and acting
like everybody else?

It'll take you no time
to fail at that.

- What are you saying,

I'm some kind of
freak of nature?

- Define "of nature."

- How much longer now, sandi?

- Five days, two hours,
and 22 minutes.

- Um, you forgot to say
the seconds.

- Stacy.

- Next we have reason number 17,
endangering a minor.

The teen fashion extravaganza
reinforces the false notion

that all you need to survive
is a credit card

and a pair of ankle boots.

This misapprehension
could prove fatal

should Quinn ever find herself
stranded in the wild.

- Although not if she's stranded
in the wild pair.

- You know I'm gonna fail
at this.

They'll say Quinn has to learn
by making her own mistakes

outside the house,

freeing up the phone
for my mother's cavalcade

of obsessive business calls.

- Why, oh, why can't she

just have a substance abuse
problem like a normal mom?

- I'm gonna head home.

I want to see if they delivered
my hydrocephalic skull replica.

- Wait!

It's time for the moment
of truth.

So, like, do I look conventional
or whatever?

- Ah!

- Hey, daria,
you know that assignment

for Mr. O'Neill's class where
I'm supposed to be unpopular?

Well, I thought you'd be the
perfect person to ask for help

since you're so, um...
Smart.

- Uh-huh.

- So do you have
any suggestions

since you know so much about,
you know, stuff?

- Hmm.

Try talking about
global concerns,

like the worldwide proliferation
of biological weapons

or how people in Afghanistan
are being stoned to death

for wearing the wrong attire.

- You hear that, Stacy?

- Daria, you're making me sad.

Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

No wonder you're so...

- Smart?

- Mom, dad, could I talk to you
for a minute?

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

- I've worked hard this year
and really need a break.

So I was thinking that instead
of taking college prep classes,

volunteering at the hospice,

and being a camp counselor
for special needs kids,

I could take it easy,
maybe even go to the beach.

- Hmm, that workload
doesn't sound very realistic.

- She forgot the 20 hour a week
internship

at the congressman's office.

- Oh, yeah.

Nope.
- Out of the question.

- Assignment completed.

- What's that you're really
stirring in your tea,

honey or bee vomit?

Animal secretions
that make us say, "yum!"

Tonight on sick, sad world.

- Hey, Janie, listen to this.

"Since I left your womb,
I've lived life in a tomb."

Does that work?

- I guess as
uterine testimonials go,

it's not bad.

- Whoa, what happened to you?

- Like, don't you know fashion
when you see it?

- Um...

- There's this assignment
for school

where we have to pick something
we know we'd fail at,

so I picked being conventional.

- Oh.

What?

- I'm succeeding at failing.

- Succeeding to fail,
I'm on the third rail.

Nope, I still don't get it.

- Yo.
- Hey, Tom.

Um, don't abandon her now, man.

She needs you.

- Why would I abandon--

- she needs you.

- Hey, flyboy.

- Is that a Teddy bear backpack?

- Uh-huh.

Do you want to test out
my new lip gloss?

It's kiwi flavored.

- Well, I guess if I kissed you,

at least my eyes
would be closed.

- Now, having three branches
of government

allows for a system
of checks and balances.

- My dad had the wheels balanced
on his El camino yesterday.

He wrote a check.

Hey, when are we gonna get
to the good stuff?

I want to know how they taught
those aristocats

to play the piano.

- Isn't it really, really great

when teachers come out like this
to support the team?

God, I hope they don't
talk to us.

- Oh, my gosh.

That reminds me.

Um...

Hey, did you know that, um,

there are more biorhythmical
weapons than ever

in the rainforests
of Afghanistan,

and they blow up
if you wear the wrong clothes?

- Eww.
- That's gross.

- Gross.

- Gee, britt, you're really
acting icky today.

- Gosh, Anthony,
this is marvelous.

It's nice to see our students
so enthusiastic and excited.

- You mean instead of the way
we usually see them,

wishing fervently
for our deaths?

Oh, look, Kevin.
Hello, Kevin!

- Uh-oh, he came to make sure
I'm doing my homework.

Okay.

Hike!

Here you go.

- What the hell'd
you do that for?

- He's checking up on me, bro.

- Brittany, your boyfriend
just threw an interception

on purpose.

- Well, um,
that's nothing

compared to the working
conditions for the laborers

in the unexploded diamond mines.

- What?

- You know what I think's wrong
with Kevin?

I think all your yucky stories
got to him.

- I feel bad about Brittany.

It's like she's lost her way.

- She does that all the time.

- No, I mean, like,
she's forgotten who she is.

- Like I said.

- This is a bad time for her
to be acting weird.

I mean, with Kevin playing
so sucky and everything.

- Oh, no, Lisa.

- Yes, Angie, let's be honest.

Maybe it's time for some new
faces on the cheerleading squad.

- But I don't want to
get a new face.

- Fresh new faces,
fresh new attitude.

- I don't want to go.
You go.

- Hi, are you new in school?

I'm Lisa.

This is Angie and Nicky.

- We were just wondering,

have you ever done
any cheerleading?

- Cheerleading?

- Eric, I wonder
if we could finish this

at the office tomorrow.

My daughter just came home
from school,

and I want to catch up with her.

Thanks.

Daria, perfect timing.

I think I can still
catch our broker.

- I enjoyed our time together.

- What's this $230
at cc's boutique?

And $50 at the doodad store?

- That reminds me,
if you see Quinn,

tell her cashman's called.

They said it's
cashman's cashmiracle week,

and they have all kinds of
creative new financing options

they want to tell her about.

- Cashmiracle?

Did you hear that, Helen?

- Look on the bright side.

She can't possibly get
to cashman's before Monday

since she'll be at

the teen fashion extravaganza
this weekend.

- Extravaganza?

What extravaganza?

- Oh, it's nothing.

Just the spending event
of the season

for the under 20 set.

- Good god!

Helen!

- Jake, calm down.

- Maybe she hasn't
heard about it yet.

I could unplug the TV,
black out the windows.

Where's Quinn right now?

- At the teen fashion
extravaganza

preferred customer preview.

Why do you ask?

- Gah!

That's it, daria!

Quinn's grounded!

- Jake, we can't punish Quinn

when she hasn't
done anything wrong.

- Why not?

- Yeah, they do it all the time
in Afghanistan.

- I tell you what, daria.

Since you're so concerned
about Quinn's spending,

why don't you
go with her Saturday

to help her keep it
under control?

- But now I'm being punished

when I haven't done
anything wrong.

- Nonsense.

Consider it a way to pay off
this bill

from the anatomical
abnormalities catalog.

- Damn hydrocephalic
skull replicas.

- Eww!

- Let me guess.

A teen movie star
choked on his gum.

- That or the cafeteria
ran out of bendy straws again.

- Good morning, everyone.

I'm excited to hear
how your assignments turned out.

Who'd like to start?

Brittany?

- Okay, then.
Jodie?

- I failed to convince
my mother and father

to let me have the summer off.

- Excellent.

And see?

You learned that failure
isn't so bad now, is it?

- No, I learned that my parents

would rather I dropped dead
from exhaustion

than miss the opportunity
to shred

some bribe-taking congressman's
incriminating phone bills.

- At least she'll be learning
a marketable skill.

- Um, how about you, Kevin?

- I'm a crappy athlete.

They threw me off the team.

- So you succeeded
at your assignment.

- Succeeded?

I lost the game.

- Good thing he has
that physics scholarship

to fall back on.

- Oh, dear.

Well, I think
you're all winners.

Those of you who failed

succeeded in completing
the assignment,

and because those of you
who unexpectedly succeeded

failed the assignment,

you also succeeded in failing.

Isn't that great?

- Hey.

I'm not just a loser.

I'm dating a loser.

- Now, class, remember.

Life's made up of peaks
and valleys.

And just because you're
temporary caught in a valley...

Um, class?

- You must be glad
the assignment's over.

Now you can wash off
the body glitter.

- Nah, I think I'm gonna
stay conventional.

- What?

- Why kid myself?

It was easy to fit in,
too easy.

Maybe I really am one of them.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- They want me for the squad.

- I hope you mean the kind
where you get a blindfold.

- No, the kind
that leads cheers,

and I'm gonna try out.

- Have you lost your mind?

- I have to face my demons,
daria.

Maybe I'm not really an artist.

Maybe those insipid
pom-pom wavers know me better

than I know myself.

If I'm really meant to cheer,
than so be it.

I'll hang up my easel

and devote my life
to providing pep.

- What's happened to you?

- Complete loss of confidence.

Oh, and by the way,
since this was your idea,

I blame you.

- Sorry about that.

But at least you know
I'm being amply punished,

spending my weekend
researching faux fur sweaters.

- It's small consolation,
but I'll take it.

- Oh, kevie, my life is over.

- Mine too, babe.

I'm the q.B. No more.

- That's right.

Oh, no!

I have to break up with you

because you're not
popular enough

to go out with anymore.

- Uh, babe,
you're not popular either.

- You mean we can
keep going out?

- Yeah.

- Babe.
- Babe!

- Oh, kevie!

- Look, man, I know you were
just doing your assignment.

I can't make any promises,

but I'll try to set things
straight with the team.

- Thanks, bro.

- Brittany, I'm heading
the pep rally

after school today.

I'll try to explain things
to the cheerleaders

before it starts.

- You're welcome.

- Hey, guys,
Kevin didn't mean it.

Kevin, the guys and I think

you should have
your uniform back.

- Thanks.

I'll wear it at home
when I watch the game on TV.

- No, we mean you're
back on the team.

- I am?
Cool!

- Just don't mess it up. -
No messing up, man.

- Thanks, mack daddy.

- Why do I think I just
succeeded at failing?

- Ra ra ra!

Go team!

Okay, now it's your turn.

Give it everything you've got.

Ra ra ra!

We're gonna beat ya!

- Way to go, babe.

- Thanks, babe.

- Why is she
just standing there?

- She must have stage fright.

- Cheer, cheer, cheer.

Yell, yell, yell.

Who cares who wins?

We're all going to hell.

- If my peppy doesn't
work for you,

I could always try my perky.

- No, that's okay.

- Really okay.

- Whoo whoo whoo!

Yeah!

- Great.

Now what are we gonna do?

- You could let Brittany back
on the squad.

- But she's always talking about
the starving referees and stuff.

- That was only
for a class assignment.

Come on, look at her.

Is that the face of a thinker.

Go...

Cheerleaders!

- Okay, where's your evil twin?

- The aliens finished
their experiments

and let me return in her place.

- How was the probe?

- Less intrusive this time.

- Babe, you wouldn't believe

the cheerleader
who auditioned yesterday.

She got scared and lost all her
bouncity-bounce.

- You had bouncity-bounce?

- Drop it,
or I'll have to kill you.

- I'm taking Quinn to the
fashion extravaganza tomorrow.

What makes you think
I don't want you to kill me?

- Hello, class.

Today, we're going to
not do anything.

Why bother?

Who knows what damage
I might do this time?

I just want to say that...

I'm a failure as a teacher,
as a mentor,

nay, as a human being.

Don't waste another minute
listening

to my misguided drivel,

for I realize now
that my only talent

lies in leading youth astray.

Please go.

- All right!

- And when I went back
to get my notebook,

Mr. O'Neill was slumped over
his desk

sobbing uncontrollably
into his sweater belt.

- Wow.

If we were a different sort
of young people,

we might feel obligated
to do something about this.

- Fortunately,
we don't have any motivation.

- You do?

- Huh?

I can't believe
we're doing this.

And aren't teachers'
addresses confidential?

- Not when you've got the web.

Actually, I just looked
in the phone book.

But the web sounds so cool.

- Um, hi, Mr. O'Neill.

- Daria?
Jane?

Would you girls like some
St. John's wort tea

a gem tincture?

- I can't.
I'm driving.

- Um, we came by because
we were a little concerned.

- Very concerned.

- We know you feel responsible
because some of your students--

or more specifically,
all of your students--

got depressed over
the assignment.

I'm a failure.

- But your intentions were good,
and no one got hurt.

- You shouldn't be
so hard on yourself.

That's what miss Lee's for.

- Hmm.

Girls, I appreciate
your concern.

But the fact that you had to
come here at all

makes me feel like
even more of a...

Failure.

- Look, you set yourself a task,
and you failed at it.

That's what you asked us to do,
remember?

Now finish the assignment.

Accept that failing is okay.

- Yeah, by failing,
you succeeded.

- What kind of psychobabbling,
mumbo-jumbo is that?

Oh, my gosh, Jane,
I'm so sorry.

- For what?

- You mean,
you girls' self-esteem

isn't permanently scarred
by my horrible assignment?

- No, not by that.

- The students teach
the teacher.

- Daria, Jane,
you should consider careers

in motivational speaking.

- Only if I don't have to
do anything.

- You've brought the sun
back into my life.

- How can I ever repay you?

- Well, now that you mention it.

- Do you have to walk
so close to me

and in those shoes?

- Now, Quinn,
you know it's my job

to monitor your spending today.

Let's make it an adventure
in moderation.

- I can't believe Quinn tried
to pass Mr. O'Neill off

as a professional
fashion consultant.

- Yeah, what was she thinking?

- Poor Quinn.

It must be so humiliating

to be seen in a mall
with your teacher

in front of all your friends.

- I know.

Come on,
we don't want to lose them.