Original subtitles

- So why, then, are we constantly urging our students

to win at all costs.

We should be teaching them

that failure is not the end of the world.

In fact, it's often a stepping stone to success.

After his first attempts at flight failed,

wilbur Wright said that not within a thousand years

would man ever fly.

It took Thomas Edison more than 2,000 experiments

before he invented the lightbulb.

Failure is the signpost that points the way to success.

- Oh.

Professor Bentley was so inspiring.

I can't believe how much I'm getting out of this seminar.

- More than the $20 a meal per diem the rest of us are getting!

- No, no, no, we're all getting the same amount,

and I think the $50-- oh, $20 that i'm--we're getting

is pretty generous.

Damn!

- I was especially intrigued by his notion

of planting the seeds of tomorrow

in the students of today.

- If he tried that around any of my students,

they'd be the last damn seeds he ever planted.

- Miss barch, please relax and enjoy your surf and turf.

- Friggin' surf and turf.

"I will wake up refreshed and ready

to meet life's challenges.

"I will wake up--

- What if there's a Thomas Edison in my class

just waiting to be nurtured and encouraged?

- Well, good night, anthon--

- Um, okay.

- Come on, skinny.

I picked the lock to the housekeeping closet,

and we've only got four hours till the maids arrive for work.

- Janet, I really think we need to be more discreet.

- Nyah!

- Four hours?

So, class, your assignment is to pick something

you know you'll fail at

to prove that failing isn't the end of the world.

- There goes my motivation. - Relax.

At least he's not making us guess people's identities

by feeling their hands.

- Again.

- Brittany, what is something

you're sure you'd fail at?

- Um, I don't think I could ever be unpopular.

- Excellent.

- I'm... right?

- It gets easier after the first time.

- Brittany, you will fail at becoming unpopular.

- Then I've already passed.

We'll talk later.

Who else wants to pick what they're going to fail at?

Kevin, what about you?

- Me?

I'm the q.B.

- So you're saying you'd fail

at being a bad athlete.

Good, very good.

Jodie?

- My parents make me spend my entire summer

doing volunteer work that'll look good

on my college application.

I'd never be able to get the summer off.

- Perfect. Mack?

- I could try teaching Kevin

the three branches of American government.

- Ah, come on, I know that one.

Republican, um... Dominican, and aristocat.

- That's very good, mack.

- Hey, I'm the one who gave the answer.

- Now, the rest of you please pick something to fail at

so you can put it to the test.

- We're having a test too?

- So what are you gonna fail at, giving a damn?

- I could fail to see the merit of this assignment.

- Or succeed in finding it a waste of time.

Maybe you should try failing at not being sarcastic.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

- Sandi, how long till the teen fashion extravaganza

opens at the mall?

- Five days, two hours, and 23 minutes.

God, Stacy, why don't you get a new watch?

One without a little cartoon loser pointing at the time?

- I can't wait for the extravaganza.

The come-buy-me smell of new clothes,

the flashing lights of the fashion show,

the crisp sound of tissue paper

as it's wrapped around an alpaca sweater

with a matching silk "t."

- Stop it, Quinn.

You're making my head spin.

- My mouth, it's watering.

- I just picked what I'm gonna fail at,

getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.

- Excellent.

- This way, if I blow the assignment

and Quinn is grounded, I still win.

- Okay, now you got to help me pick something to fail at,

something really impressive

that doesn't require any effort of any kind.

- How about performing brain surgery on Kevin?

- I said no effort.

Finding that brain could take weeks.

- Then how about being conventional,

looking and acting like everybody else?

It'll take you no time to fail at that.

- What are you saying,

I'm some kind of freak of nature?

- Define "of nature."

- How much longer now, sandi?

- Five days, two hours, and 22 minutes.

- Um, you forgot to say the seconds.

- Stacy.

- Next we have reason number 17, endangering a minor.

The teen fashion extravaganza reinforces the false notion

that all you need to survive is a credit card

and a pair of ankle boots.

This misapprehension could prove fatal

should Quinn ever find herself stranded in the wild.

- Although not if she's stranded in the wild pair.

- You know I'm gonna fail at this.

They'll say Quinn has to learn by making her own mistakes

outside the house,

freeing up the phone for my mother's cavalcade

of obsessive business calls.

- Why, oh, why can't she

just have a substance abuse problem like a normal mom?

- I'm gonna head home.

I want to see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.

- Wait!

It's time for the moment of truth.

So, like, do I look conventional or whatever?

- Ah!

- Hey, daria, you know that assignment

for Mr. O'Neill's class where I'm supposed to be unpopular?

Well, I thought you'd be the perfect person to ask for help

since you're so, um... Smart.

- Uh-huh.

- So do you have any suggestions

since you know so much about, you know, stuff?

- Hmm.

Try talking about global concerns,

like the worldwide proliferation of biological weapons

or how people in Afghanistan are being stoned to death

for wearing the wrong attire.

- You hear that, Stacy?

- Daria, you're making me sad.

Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

No wonder you're so...

- Smart?

- Mom, dad, could I talk to you for a minute?

- Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

- I've worked hard this year and really need a break.

So I was thinking that instead of taking college prep classes,

volunteering at the hospice,

and being a camp counselor for special needs kids,

I could take it easy, maybe even go to the beach.

- Hmm, that workload doesn't sound very realistic.

- She forgot the 20 hour a week internship

at the congressman's office.

- Oh, yeah.

Nope. - Out of the question.

- Assignment completed.

- What's that you're really stirring in your tea,

honey or bee vomit?

Animal secretions that make us say, "yum!"

Tonight on sick, sad world.

- Hey, Janie, listen to this.

"Since I left your womb, I've lived life in a tomb."

Does that work?

- I guess as uterine testimonials go,

it's not bad.

- Whoa, what happened to you?

- Like, don't you know fashion when you see it?

- Um...

- There's this assignment for school

where we have to pick something we know we'd fail at,

so I picked being conventional.

- Oh.

What?

- I'm succeeding at failing.

- Succeeding to fail, I'm on the third rail.

Nope, I still don't get it.

- Yo. - Hey, Tom.

Um, don't abandon her now, man.

She needs you.

- Why would I abandon--

- she needs you.

- Hey, flyboy.

- Is that a Teddy bear backpack?

- Uh-huh.

Do you want to test out my new lip gloss?

It's kiwi flavored.

- Well, I guess if I kissed you,

at least my eyes would be closed.

- Now, having three branches of government

allows for a system of checks and balances.

- My dad had the wheels balanced on his El camino yesterday.

He wrote a check.

Hey, when are we gonna get to the good stuff?

I want to know how they taught those aristocats

to play the piano.

- Isn't it really, really great

when teachers come out like this to support the team?

God, I hope they don't talk to us.

- Oh, my gosh.

That reminds me.

Um...

Hey, did you know that, um,

there are more biorhythmical weapons than ever

in the rainforests of Afghanistan,

and they blow up if you wear the wrong clothes?

- Eww. - That's gross.

- Gross.

- Gee, britt, you're really acting icky today.

- Gosh, Anthony, this is marvelous.

It's nice to see our students so enthusiastic and excited.

- You mean instead of the way we usually see them,

wishing fervently for our deaths?

Oh, look, Kevin. Hello, Kevin!

- Uh-oh, he came to make sure I'm doing my homework.

Okay.

Hike!

Here you go.

- What the hell'd you do that for?

- He's checking up on me, bro.

- Brittany, your boyfriend just threw an interception

on purpose.

- Well, um, that's nothing

compared to the working conditions for the laborers

in the unexploded diamond mines.

- What?

- You know what I think's wrong with Kevin?

I think all your yucky stories got to him.

- I feel bad about Brittany.

It's like she's lost her way.

- She does that all the time.

- No, I mean, like, she's forgotten who she is.

- Like I said.

- This is a bad time for her to be acting weird.

I mean, with Kevin playing so sucky and everything.

- Oh, no, Lisa.

- Yes, Angie, let's be honest.

Maybe it's time for some new faces on the cheerleading squad.

- But I don't want to get a new face.

- Fresh new faces, fresh new attitude.

- I don't want to go. You go.

- Hi, are you new in school?

I'm Lisa.

This is Angie and Nicky.

- We were just wondering,

have you ever done any cheerleading?

- Cheerleading?

- Eric, I wonder if we could finish this

at the office tomorrow.

My daughter just came home from school,

and I want to catch up with her.

Thanks.

Daria, perfect timing.

I think I can still catch our broker.

- I enjoyed our time together.

- What's this $230 at cc's boutique?

And $50 at the doodad store?

- That reminds me, if you see Quinn,

tell her cashman's called.

They said it's cashman's cashmiracle week,

and they have all kinds of creative new financing options

they want to tell her about.

- Cashmiracle?

Did you hear that, Helen?

- Look on the bright side.

She can't possibly get to cashman's before Monday

since she'll be at

the teen fashion extravaganza this weekend.

- Extravaganza?

What extravaganza?

- Oh, it's nothing.

Just the spending event of the season

for the under 20 set.

- Good god!

Helen!

- Jake, calm down.

- Maybe she hasn't heard about it yet.

I could unplug the TV, black out the windows.

Where's Quinn right now?

- At the teen fashion extravaganza

preferred customer preview.

Why do you ask?

- Gah!

That's it, daria!

Quinn's grounded!

- Jake, we can't punish Quinn

when she hasn't done anything wrong.

- Why not?

- Yeah, they do it all the time in Afghanistan.

- I tell you what, daria.

Since you're so concerned about Quinn's spending,

why don't you go with her Saturday

to help her keep it under control?

- But now I'm being punished

when I haven't done anything wrong.

- Nonsense.

Consider it a way to pay off this bill

from the anatomical abnormalities catalog.

- Damn hydrocephalic skull replicas.

- Eww!

- Let me guess.

A teen movie star choked on his gum.

- That or the cafeteria ran out of bendy straws again.

- Good morning, everyone.

I'm excited to hear how your assignments turned out.

Who'd like to start?

Brittany?

- Okay, then. Jodie?

- I failed to convince my mother and father

to let me have the summer off.

- Excellent.

And see?

You learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it?

- No, I learned that my parents

would rather I dropped dead from exhaustion

than miss the opportunity to shred

some bribe-taking congressman's incriminating phone bills.

- At least she'll be learning a marketable skill.

- Um, how about you, Kevin?

- I'm a crappy athlete.

They threw me off the team.

- So you succeeded at your assignment.

- Succeeded?

I lost the game.

- Good thing he has that physics scholarship

to fall back on.

- Oh, dear.

Well, I think you're all winners.

Those of you who failed

succeeded in completing the assignment,

and because those of you who unexpectedly succeeded

failed the assignment,

you also succeeded in failing.

Isn't that great?

- Hey.

I'm not just a loser.

I'm dating a loser.

- Now, class, remember.

Life's made up of peaks and valleys.

And just because you're temporary caught in a valley...

Um, class?

- You must be glad the assignment's over.

Now you can wash off the body glitter.

- Nah, I think I'm gonna stay conventional.

- What?

- Why kid myself?

It was easy to fit in, too easy.

Maybe I really am one of them.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- They want me for the squad.

- I hope you mean the kind where you get a blindfold.

- No, the kind that leads cheers,

and I'm gonna try out.

- Have you lost your mind?

- I have to face my demons, daria.

Maybe I'm not really an artist.

Maybe those insipid pom-pom wavers know me better

than I know myself.

If I'm really meant to cheer, than so be it.

I'll hang up my easel

and devote my life to providing pep.

- What's happened to you?

- Complete loss of confidence.

Oh, and by the way, since this was your idea,

I blame you.

- Sorry about that.

But at least you know I'm being amply punished,

spending my weekend researching faux fur sweaters.

- It's small consolation, but I'll take it.

- Oh, kevie, my life is over.

- Mine too, babe.

I'm the q.B. No more.

- That's right.

Oh, no!

I have to break up with you

because you're not popular enough

to go out with anymore.

- Uh, babe, you're not popular either.

- You mean we can keep going out?

- Yeah.

- Babe. - Babe!

- Oh, kevie!

- Look, man, I know you were just doing your assignment.

I can't make any promises,

but I'll try to set things straight with the team.

- Thanks, bro.

- Brittany, I'm heading the pep rally

after school today.

I'll try to explain things to the cheerleaders

before it starts.

- You're welcome.

- Hey, guys, Kevin didn't mean it.

Kevin, the guys and I think

you should have your uniform back.

- Thanks.

I'll wear it at home when I watch the game on TV.

- No, we mean you're back on the team.

- I am? Cool!

- Just don't mess it up. - No messing up, man.

- Thanks, mack daddy.

- Why do I think I just succeeded at failing?

- Ra ra ra!

Go team!

Okay, now it's your turn.

Give it everything you've got.

Ra ra ra!

We're gonna beat ya!

- Way to go, babe.

- Thanks, babe.

- Why is she just standing there?

- She must have stage fright.

- Cheer, cheer, cheer.

Yell, yell, yell.

Who cares who wins?

We're all going to hell.

- If my peppy doesn't work for you,

I could always try my perky.

- No, that's okay.

- Really okay.

- Whoo whoo whoo!

Yeah!

- Great.

Now what are we gonna do?

- You could let Brittany back on the squad.

- But she's always talking about the starving referees and stuff.

- That was only for a class assignment.

Come on, look at her.

Is that the face of a thinker.

Go...

Cheerleaders!

- Okay, where's your evil twin?

- The aliens finished their experiments

and let me return in her place.

- How was the probe?

- Less intrusive this time.

- Babe, you wouldn't believe

the cheerleader who auditioned yesterday.

She got scared and lost all her bouncity-bounce.

- You had bouncity-bounce?

- Drop it, or I'll have to kill you.

- I'm taking Quinn to the fashion extravaganza tomorrow.

What makes you think I don't want you to kill me?

- Hello, class.

Today, we're going to not do anything.

Why bother?

Who knows what damage I might do this time?

I just want to say that...

I'm a failure as a teacher, as a mentor,

nay, as a human being.

Don't waste another minute listening

to my misguided drivel,

for I realize now that my only talent

lies in leading youth astray.

Please go.

- All right!

- And when I went back to get my notebook,

Mr. O'Neill was slumped over his desk

sobbing uncontrollably into his sweater belt.

- Wow.

If we were a different sort of young people,

we might feel obligated to do something about this.

- Fortunately, we don't have any motivation.

- You do?

- Huh?

I can't believe we're doing this.

And aren't teachers' addresses confidential?

- Not when you've got the web.

Actually, I just looked in the phone book.

But the web sounds so cool.

- Um, hi, Mr. O'Neill.

- Daria? Jane?

Would you girls like some St. John's wort tea

a gem tincture?

- I can't. I'm driving.

- Um, we came by because we were a little concerned.

- Very concerned.

- We know you feel responsible because some of your students--

or more specifically, all of your students--

got depressed over the assignment.

I'm a failure.

- But your intentions were good, and no one got hurt.

- You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

That's what miss Lee's for.

- Hmm.

Girls, I appreciate your concern.

But the fact that you had to come here at all

makes me feel like even more of a...

Failure.

- Look, you set yourself a task, and you failed at it.

That's what you asked us to do, remember?

Now finish the assignment.

Accept that failing is okay.

- Yeah, by failing, you succeeded.

- What kind of psychobabbling, mumbo-jumbo is that?

Oh, my gosh, Jane, I'm so sorry.

- For what?

- You mean, you girls' self-esteem

isn't permanently scarred by my horrible assignment?

- No, not by that.

- The students teach the teacher.

- Daria, Jane, you should consider careers

in motivational speaking.

- Only if I don't have to do anything.

- You've brought the sun back into my life.

- How can I ever repay you?

- Well, now that you mention it.

- Do you have to walk so close to me

and in those shoes?

- Now, Quinn, you know it's my job

to monitor your spending today.

Let's make it an adventure in moderation.

- I can't believe Quinn tried to pass Mr. O'Neill off

as a professional fashion consultant.

- Yeah, what was she thinking?

- Poor Quinn.

It must be so humiliating

to be seen in a mall with your teacher

in front of all your friends.

- I know.

Come on, we don't want to lose them.