Original subtitles

- Kevie, you look like such a rebel

in your new jacket.

- Thanks, babe.

Yo, check this out.

- Is this what you earth people call "necking"?

- No, I mean, check out the new Kevin.

- You'll note he didn't say "improved."

- That's 'cause he's a rebel.

- Where's the bike?

- Huh? - That's a motorcycle jacket.

It's made out of leather to protect you from scrapes

when your head's bouncing off the grille of a truck.

- If you're just wearing it for style,

then it's a waste of a perfectly good cow.

- You wouldn't wear shoulder pads

if you didn't play football.

- Or would you?

- Is your cutlery holding an edge...

Or going over one?

Diary of a mad steak knife tonight

on sick, sad world.

- Honestly, Rita,

I don't care if mother's paying for your new family room.

- Maybe she can get a new family to go with it.

- What?

That was daria.

She's, uh, practicing for a school play.

- A salesman's got to dream, boy.

- Damn neighbor's dog got into the trash again!

Now there's garbage all over the street.

The next thing you know,

there will be abandoned cars on the front lawns.

- I'll run out and pick up some cement blocks

before they're all sold out.

- Jake, calm down.

Rita, I'll have to call you back.

Yes, I will... Very, very soon.

- Helen, do you know what happens

when property values collapse?

- Is it anything like when good pets go bad?

- What if we can't get a decent price

when we sell this place?

You think we're gonna move in with your sister?

- Or should I also pick up a copy

of the Jonestown bartender's handbook?

Agh!

- Jake, you're being ridiculous.

Nothing is going to affect the value of this house

short of an earthquake.

- We're on a fault line too?

- Oh, look, the circus is coming to town.

- On what appears to be a very fast lawn mower.

- Hey, Jane, daria.

- Mean machine.

Where's your shriner's Fez?

- Don't we look like rebels?

- Oh, yeah.

That cricket in your front teeth is very James Dean.

- What?

- Don't worry about it, Brittany.

It's dead.

- Eww! I'm gonna need new teeth.

- I'm sure the guys in woodshop can come up with something.

- Before first period?

Don't think so.

- You know, you aren't supposed

to ride those things without a helmet.

- Hey, I don't follow "rules."

I'm rebellent.

- Did he say "repellent"?

- Seems like he should have, doesn't it?

- Well, well, what do we have here,

a babe magnet with a seat built for one?

Hold on tight, luscious lady.

- Hey, pop a wheelie. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, pop a wheelie, cool.

- Come on, pop a wheelie. - I love wheelies.

- Uh... okay.

- Gee, this won't end badly.

- You know, we are the ones

who told him to get a motorcycle.

- Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge,

would he do that?

- Don't know. We'll try that next time.

Now, I know I saw that ponch guy do this on chips.

My knee!

- Uh-oh, I think the wild one's got a boo-boo.

- Hey, you broke the Tommy sherman memorial tree.

- Good thing he's dead, or he'd really let you have it.

- This is sort of like what happened

at my fourth birthday party,

only it involved a tiny tricycle and a chimp.

- The difference being?

- Oh, kevie, I don't care if you squished

the Tommy sherman memorial tree.

I still love you.

- Tommy sherman was the greatest q.B. Lawndale ever had.

I too was a quarterback once.

Now I'm just a... One-knee guy.

- But your knee will heal.

- When?

Face it, brit, you've got cheerleader-type

active womanly needs, and look at me.

Look at me!

Kissing me now would be like kissing one of those guys

who wear old-man pants and watch touched by an angel.

- Kevie, no!

- Babe, it's got to be this way.

- No, it can be like before.

Let me bring you a gatorade.

- No, only sportsmen can drink sports drinks.

From now on, I drink yoo-hoo.

- No!

Then he said that his armpits would know

only the embrace of his crutches.

- What does that mean?

- I don't know, but it sounds bad,

like kevie's armpits have feelings but not for me.

Now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?

- Lips?

So we're off the armpit thing?

- You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought,

it looks like a mystik spiral song.

- "Armpits have feelings but not for me.

Now what do I do with lips empty?"

Hmm, are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull"?

- It's a work in progress.

- Oh, what's this?

- Nothing.

- Please, daria, any form of expression

is cause for celebration.

I see you've chosen to celebrate in the way of verse.

- The only thing here in the way of verse

might be its complete lack of quality.

- You're being judgmental, daria,

Judge... And you get mental.

- And you know what I say...

- Life sucks, and then you die?

- This is so deep but so sad.

Daria, are you depressed?

I mean, more than usual?

- Not me.

- Brittany?

- What?

Um... here? Present?

- Come on, man, it's just a sprained knee.

You've got to play. The team needs you.

- No, it doesn't.

The only team that needs me

is the one that sits - The chess team.

- But you don't even know how to play chess.

- Oh, yeah?

King me! King me! King me!

- I'll talk to you when the painkillers wear off.

- Kevie, Mr. O'Neill just gave me an "a"

for a poem I didn't know I wrote

and said I should get counseling for my troubled mind,

and it's all because of you, so we have to get back together,

or my mind will never untrouble itself.

- Babe, the only wide receivers I've got are my crutches here,

and they only catch the sweat of my defeat.

- But what about our eternal love

that was supposed to last till graduation?

- Could you really date a guy

who isn't gonna be in any yearbook team pictures?

- I... i...oh, no.

It really is over.

- No team, no babe.

I guess i'm, like, on my own.

Wh-whoa!

- Is it me, or does study hall go faster

when you're somewhere else?

- Life goes faster when you're somewhere else.

- Aww, look.

The Tommy sherman memorial tree is still dead.

- I guess now we're gonna have to plant something

to memorialize it.

- Oh, Angie, I miss my kevie.

Life just isn't the same without his big brown eyes

and spellbinding dimples.

- I'd rather remember the tree than remember Tommy sherman.

- Hey, that's not nice.

You wouldn't like that if you were Tommy sherman.

- I wouldn't like anything if I were Tommy sherman.

If I were Tommy sherman, I'd be dead.

Oh, no! Oh, god, a ghost!

A ghost!

- First Tommy's tree is dead, and now he's back to haunt us.

- As the fourth quarter winds down,

and the score remains oakwood 21,

lions zipperino,

does your humble announcer dare to venture

that the mighty lawndale "rrrroar"

has turned into a plaintive "meow"?

Lawndale's replacement quarterback,

mad mack, has the ball,

and it looks like he's going to pass it to...

- Ugh!

- Nobody.

Bad break, mad mack.

We felt that one in the box.

- Guys, I don't know what happened, sorry.

- Give me an "I."

"L."

- Give me an "a."

"A"

- give me an s-u-x.

Lawndale sucks, ha.

- This is no good, no good at all.

- And the lions once more go down to defeat.

- I've got to do something about all this losing.

- I just hope a new wardrobe is enough to take our minds

off that abysmal game.

- Yeah, abysmal.

- If this keeps up, we may have to hold

an emergency meeting on the dateability

of the football team.

- Oh, no.

- Look, isn't this adorable?

It's so neck-slimming.

I wonder if they have it in chartreuse.

Excuse me, miss?

- Where is everybody?

I can't believe no one's even offered us

fitting rooms yet.

- Yeah, it's like they want us to get shopper's cramp.

- Miss... oh, miss?

- Guys, something weird is going on.

- Come on, let's get to the bottom of this.

Ahe-hem.

Teresa, is there a labor stoppage

we should be apprised of?

No one's helping us.

- It's your football team.

They're... well... losers.

- What does that have to do with us?

We don't play football.

- You go to a loser school,

and it's not good for junior 5's image

to have losers wearing our clothes.

- But we're not losers.

- Look, if you don't mind taking turns,

I can give you fitting room eight.

- The unpopular people's dressing room?

- It says here on your transfer forms

that you've been in high school for six years.

- Yeah, I have trouble learning stuff

when people make me mad.

- But you don't seem to have trouble

with the old pigskin, eh?

Um, why was your season cut short last year?

This says your offensive line had a "mishap."

- They made me mad.

- Ahh.

Uh... heh.

- Zippidy-do-dah, zippidy-ay.

Make Tommy's spirit go far, far away.

- All right, girls, puffing party's over.

- Oh, no, you ruined it.

Now Tommy sherman's ghost will never go away.

- Well, forgive me if I didn't see

the sign on the door that said, "girls' exorcism room."

- And then Sandy said she didn't know

if she could show her face anymore

and is thinking about the witness protection program,

although not if they make you dye your hair

that really brassy blonde.

- That's just what Sammy "the bull" gravano said.

- Hey, here's another good town we can move to.

It says the schools have produced three pro quarterbacks.

- How many pro wrestlers?

- Quinn, I don't think you're considering

the rest of the family.

- I am.

We live in a loser town now,

and that can't be good at that job you go to.

Only losers live in loser towns.

Do you want your clients thinking you're a loser?

Hmm.

Oh, dear, your father's braking with his angry foot again.

- If we moved to a popular town, he'd be happier.

- Quinn, we're not moving.

- That's it! We're moving.

Look at this.

It says lawndale high's football team

is the worst in lawndale history.

It says lawndale high is a school for losers.

Jake, that's the lawndale shopper.

It's written by an 80-year-old man

who, if you recall, had to be taken off his roof

by the fire department, because he thought

he was being chased by screaming mice.

- That doesn't mean it isn't true.

- Oh, daddy, mice don't scream.

- Yeah, you're thinking of lobsters.

Who's up for seafood?

- The value of our home destroyed,

our life's investment gone.

Good-bye retirement.

Good-bye condo on the golf course.

Helen, we're ruined!

Don't you see?

- I see you shopped angry again.

Now, what are we going to do with 5 pounds of...

J.t.'s jelly pork shoulder?

Ugh.

- Don't look at me that way.

It was that lawndale shopper guy,

the store, this town.

They all tricked me.

- Which is why we have to move.

- So my sister's scouting out new zip codes.

My father's so mad, he can only see the color red.

And the other day, when my mother was paying bills,

I caught her trying to smudge her return address labels.

My home life is becoming intolerable.

- "Becoming" intolerable?

- Is there such a word as "intolerabler"?

- Hot stuff.

Hey, you look familiar.

- No, I don't.

- You go to lawndale high, right?

- No, we're reform school gals

looking for love in all the wrong places.

- That's good, because if you went to lawndale,

you'd be losers.

What a loser school.

Enjoy now, ha.

- Great, and just when I was feeling like a winner.

- I take it your quarterback is still wallowing in self-pity.

- I wish he'd try self-immolation.

- Sport boy needs a reason to feel good about himself,

and there just aren't any.

- We could try sending him back to the third grade,

where winning a paste-eating contest

still counts for something.

- Actually, why not send him back to elementary school?

- Because he'd never meet the academic requirements.

- I mean as one of those safety lecturers.

He could talk about how stupid he was

to wipe out on his bike.

The kids would probably rather listen to him

than their teachers, so he'd have a captive audience

and feel self-important again.

- So simple and yet so perfect.

Daria, why didn't we think of that?

- 'Cause we're lawndale losers,

who wallow in our own ignorance and filth.

Who wants another slice?

- Mr. O'Neill.

- Oh, you startled me.

I guess all that talk about ghosts and exorcism

has put me a little on edge.

- Hey, want to see me twist my head around

and around and around?

- We want to talk to you about Kevin.

- We think it might pull him out of his slump

if he became a safety lecturer:

Tell kids how reckless behavior leads to injuries.

- They don't have to know he was brain-damaged

before the accident.

- Hmm, turning a bad experience into something positive.

Girls, I do believe we're on the same page.

- We are?

Now I'm in a slump.

- Kevin, the wisdom you impart

to these impressionable young minds

can have a profound effect upon their lives.

- Cool.

- Remember, a man is never taller

than when he helps the smallest child.

But what about when he's wearing cleats?

- Um, just go out there, and try not to hurt yourself.

- My name is Kevin, and I'm a--

- louder.

- My name is Kevin, and I used to be a rebel,

but now I'm just a big fat loser.

Everywhere I go, it's like, "look at that loser.

"Nice day, loser.

More chocolate milk, loser?"

But it wasn't always like this.

Before my bike accident, I was the q.B.

Chicks love that.

Cool. That was neat.

- Hot chicks?

- Cheerleaders.

Cool. Oh, wow.

- See, motorcycles are dangerous,

especially when you fall off them.

Heh, I mean, I'm one of the lucky ones.

I mean, I could have fallen off the Grand Canyon

and hit my head on a rock or something.

Then I'd be one of those guys with their brain

sticking out of their eyes and their guts all over the place.

- Cool.

- In collusion, motorcycles can wreck your life

and make it so you can't play football,

and that's not cool. Safety is cool.

Any questions?

- Tell me about the cheerleaders.

- I want to hear about the blood and guts again.

- And that's how I saved countless youth children

as a walking "safety don't."

And when kids are about to do something dangerous, they go,

"hey, I don't want to do this.

I want to be like that cool safety guy."

- He'd be such a wonderful father.

- Of a coconut.

- Now my crutches are, like, my best feature.

- Taking over the role formerly played by his car.

- Well, this plan backfired perfectly.

- Kevin, that report was peachy.

- Thanks.

- Although what it has to do with the league of nations,

which was your assigned topic, I fail to understand.

- Um...

Did everyone get to see my picture?

- This isn't working.

The new guy, he's got some weird rules.

- You mean weirder than sticking your butt in the air

and making a football appear?

- It's called a hike.

- Now, I'm gonna throw this.

If you catch it, you get to kick me in the head.

If you miss it, I'll kill you.

Huh? No, I'm not playing that.

- You think I'm kidding?

Well, try me, punks.

Now, go out for a pass, or I'll waste you right now.

Okay, that's good.

Hey, stop, hey.

You're not supposed to run across the street.

Man, this happens everywhere I go.

Nobody knows how to play football.

- What's with quinny o?

- She's dressing incognito until she can persuade my mother

to relocate us to Bermuda.

- You should really keep her away

from open bottles of nail Polish.

- Or scatter a lot more of them around.

- Daria, Jane, would you like to contribute

to the Tommy sherman memorial tree fund?

We're hoping to get his ghost out of the girls' room.

- It takes a tree to get him out of the girls' room?

Did he turn into a dog or something?

- I don't think so.

- You know, if you can just get those crutches away from Kevin,

you can plant one of them instead.

That's sure to appease Tommy's restless bathroom spirit.

- You're right.

- You know you're going to hell.

- Anything that gets me out of lawndale.

- See, by teaching the kids about safety,

I'm giving something back to society.

I'm, like, a philanderist.

- Yeah, yeah, how about suiting up

and giving something back to the team?

This new guy's got the receivers hiding in a dumpster.

- But the kids...

They look up to me, bro.

- Hey, we look up... We look at you too.

Now come on back, will you?

- Hi, kevie. - Hey.

- Um, I was wondering,

can I borrow one of your crutches, please?

- Can't spare it.

I need it for my motivated speaking.

Say, brit, you know, there's no law that says

a motivated speaker can't have a babe.

- But there is a law that says

cheerleaders can only date football players, remember?

- Darn!

You know, that's recrimination.

I mean, just 'cause I don't wear a uniform

doesn't mean I'm not the same guy.

- Yes, it does.

My kevie is a football leader of men.

My kevie wouldn't let the whole team down.

My kevie wouldn't let lawndale become a loser town.

- Wait, babe, come back.

- Forget it, kevie.

You're on your own.

You're a... A man on an island.

- But I don't want to be on an island.

I get seasick.

Besides, I need... The love.

- Huh?

- I mean, what's saving lives

if there's no one to make out with?

- I believe Gandhi asked that same question.

- It's why he had to be eliminated.

- Brit, I realized that without you,

I'm by myself.

Your love has healed me, babe.

I'm... I'm cured.

- Oh, kevie.

I've missed you so much.

- Like, me too, babe.

- Care to join me in the girls' room

for a jolly puke?

- Sure, but not if that Tommy sherman's in there.

- That Tommy sherman, he ruins everything.

- Look, the new Tommy sherman memorial tree.

- Lovely.

- I wonder why it isn't blossoming.

- Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?

- Oh.

- Oh, mm, daria, maybe we should go inside

before lighting strikes you dead

and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.

- And star quarterback Kevin Thompson scores again.

Rrrrooar.

- Yes! Yes!

Helen, Helen, give me your phone.

We're not losers.

We're not losers.

We're not losers.

Lawndale rules!

- Brittany worked all week writing that.

- It shows.

Powerful.

- Like getting hit in the head repeatedly

with a sock full of quarters.

- And here he is, the miracle man.

Let's hear it for Kevin and his magic knee.

- Yeah, I'll bet you didn't try to drive down property values.

Well, lawndale high's quarterback

is fit as a fiddle, and lawndale's got a winner school,

and the best people are gonna want to live here,

and they buy houses at market value,

no thanks to you, loser.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I want my mommy too.

Ha!

- Do you feel better now that you've set

the lawndale shopper man right?

- Actually, that was his six-year-old grandson,

but I'm sure he'll give him the message.

- Ahhh!

- Oh, no.

Has the mighty Kevin Thompson injured his knee again?

Praise the lord.

He landed on his head.

- This is a day of miracles.

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