Original subtitles

- Class, in my hands, I hold a piece of paper,

which has the potential to open up a world

of positive experiences.

- Mandatory homeschooling legislation?

- A sign-up sheet for an overnight hill trek,

an excellent opportunity to understand

the primal struggle for survival

we made it through together in the call of the wild.

- Hmm, 24 consecutive hours with our classmates.

- It doesn't get any more primal than that.

- So my guess is, you won't be signing up.

- No, my life is so full already

that trying biodegradable toilet paper

would just bring it to the bursting point.

What about you?

- No way.

I had a bad experience on that hill with the girl scouts.

We kept marching and singing and marching and singing

about some freak named John Jacob jingleheimer somebody.

- You were a girl scout?

- Not after the deprogramming.

- K-i-n...

Or is that an "m"?

Damn eyes!

- Oh, mom, look.

These climbing shoes will look so cute

with the matching tear-resistant cigarette pants.

- Yes.

Daria, is there anything you'd like to order from the catalog?

- How about the tear-resistant new identity?

- Of course, I'll also need the Gore-Tex twin set

for impromptu parties.

- Why are so many siamese twins being born

in this Bangkok hospital?

"Babes in Thailand" tonight on sick, sad world.

- Dad and I would be happy to help you get outfitted

for the field trip too, wouldn't we, Jake?

- S-u-g-a... Damn!

What the hell is that letter?

Hey!

- Now, I'll need a credit card.

Don't worry about the calls,

because it's for a field trip, so technically,

we're talking school supplies,

and "nothing's too good for our girls' education."

- You're going on a trip?

- Jake, with daria and Quinn away overnight,

this is the perfect opportunity for us to spend

that quality couples time

recommended by our intimacy counselor.

- Great idea. Who?

- I've been seeing an intimacy counselor

to promote growth and togetherness

in our relationship.

It was just easier to schedule if I went alone.

I'll fill you in.

- All right.

- I hate to burst this bubble of marital bliss,

but since I'm not going on the field trip,

you'll have to forego your quality couples time

for the usual inferior couples time.

- Okay, daria's talking, so I have to leave now.

- Bye, Quinn.

All right, daria, name your price.

- Excuse me?

My refusal to attend this field trip is based

on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic...

- $30. - $50.

- Done.

- Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation

in the field trip.

For an additional $20, I could be convinced

not to tell Quinn about this arrangement.

- I gave you life, daria.

I can take it away.

- $50 should do it.

- "King tut was buried without his diver."

What the hell does that mean?

- That's "liver," dad.

- Eww...

- All right, girls, your father and I will be

at the big river cabins

just a couple of miles from your campsite

if you need anything at all.

- Unless it's money.

Bye.

- Thanks for coming.

- Hey, that's what friends are for.

Now, where's that $50?

- You know, I really should have thought this through better.

- Yeah, me too.

- Quinn, that scarf is so cute.

- Yeah, so cute.

- I would have brought my really cute scarf,

but I was under the impression we were supposed to take

clothes that are functional and fashionable.

- Actually, sandi, they don't call this a scarf.

It's a thermal neck insulator that easily converts

into a sling-back, heat-dispelling halternative

for unseasonably warm weather conditions.

- Wow.

- Wow, you think of everything, Quinn.

- And it comes with a matching snakebite kit.

- But... Why would you bite a snake?

- You don't understand, Tiffany, dear.

The woods are full of slimy, cold-blooded creatures.

Isn't that right, Quinn?

- Uh... heh-heh.

Um, look at this stuff.

- Oh, my god. - Oh, wow.

- Good morning, students.

Please be so gracious as to haul

your milk-fed buttocks onto the bus.

- Hurry up, girls.

You don't want to get left behind.

- You mean it's an option?

- Oh, sure, being left behind

seems like a cute idea to you now,

but when it happens to you after 22 years

of squandering your good looks and womanly charms,

you might not find it so amusing to be abandoned

with nothing but eight bags of dirty laundry

and a pyramid of "beers of the world" empties.

- How does that saying go?

"'Tis better to have loved and lost..."

- "If you know a good hit man."

- And finally, Jamie, Joey, Jeffy,

you'll be in charge of transporting field supplies,

and let's all be respectful of this unspoiled wilderness, okay?

Remember, we are in god's high school now.

Oh, my.

There's a lot of pollen in god's high school.

- You don't suppose we could be in

for a blizzard of epic proportions?

- That would only happen if we were stranded

in the comfort of our favorite pizza place.

- Don't you worry, girls.

We'll reach base camp long before

any inclement weather should arrive.

- Thank you, principal donner.

- And once I've documented our triumphant ascent

with this camera,

lawndale's wilderness adventure club

will be a shoo-in for a lucrative sponsorship

from extreme sportz mania worldwide, inc.

"Hanging ten on the edge of the apocalypse..." Ooh.

- But lawndale doesn't have a wilderness adventure club.

- We do now.

Mr. O'Neill, you're artistic.

Document these two doing something rugged.

- Okay, girls, let's see that primal instinct.

Arrgh.

Uh... sandi?

Wait up, you guys.

- I know, Quinn, why don't you convert

one of your mittens into a luggage carrier?

- Want me to get those for you, Quinn?

- That is so sweet.

Don't fall too far behind.

I got 'em. Come on, man, no.

- Hey, wait, guys.

There are three of Quinn's bags and three of us.

- Oh.

- Hey, babe, I got a surprise for you.

- Flowers!

- Oh, you guessed it.

- Oh, kevie...

That is so romantic.

Ow! Ow!

- Hey, babe, where's my thank you?

- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Oh, dear.

You see, kids, even the lowly wildflower

humbles us with its crafty defenses:

Attracting bees or spewing lung-seizing pollen.

- Are you okay, Mr. O'Neill?

- Just seasonal allergies,

nothing my trusty inhaler can't cure...

Although this one appears to be empty.

That's funny.

I could have sworn I packed a backup.

- What's the holdup here, mountaineers?

- Mr. O'Neill can't find his inhaler.

- Just... need... rest.

- Uh-oh, teacher down.

- Now we'll have to turn back. Darn.

- No one's turning back.

I need those summit celebration shots to really grab

those extreme sportz mania worldwide, inc. Execs

by the hacky sacks.

Someone will just have to short-rope Mr. O'Neill.

- As god is my witness,

I will never pull a man's weight again.

Come on, skinny.

- This is it?

For $95 and change, you'd think

they'd at least throw in a lousy radio.

- Jake, the whole purpose of this trip

is to deepen our relationship without distractions:

No radio, no children, no television, no cell phone...

My god, what have I done?

What have I done?

- Hey, look, Helen, a bearskin rug.

- Bearskin?

Me... ow.

- Woof.

Yeah!

That's corporate.

That's money.

- Weren't we supposed to be at the campsite by now?

- Yeah, but something tells me

things aren't going exactly as planned.

- Please, no one offer to help.

I'd hate to take any pressure off of my slipped disc.

- Gee, whatever gave you that idea?

- Don't worry, girls.

We'll have no problem reaching base camp before dark,

as long as there are no more surprises.

- Surprise.

- 43, 44, 45...

Okay, we're missing one.

Look around. Who's not here who should be?

- Someone with enough common sense to turn back

while there was still time?

- Yeah, where is that guy?

- What's that?

Barch here says O'Neill went back to the buses

to look for his inhaler...

Abandoning her after all she's done for him, just like...

Every other lousy man she's ever known.

"Men!

I hate their stinking guts."

- The fool.

He'll never make it down in his condition.

I'm going after him.

- Wow, that's kind of heroic.

- He's got her video camera.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, check it out: Snow angel.

- You might want to wait

until there's a little more snow on the ground.

- Mr. Demartino, considering the low visibility,

shouldn't we have a buddy system or something?

- I had a buddy once, until I came home one night,

and he married my mother.

- Do we want to hear any more of this story?

- March... fast.

- Demartino...

Out finding firewood.

Get supplies unpacked.

Remember, teamwork.

Is that... Sleeping bag?

Mine!

- Is it bad if I can't feel my feet?

- That depends.

How much do you enjoy walking?

- Babe, I just want you to know that I'm not mad anymore

that you didn't thank me.

- You wanted me to thank you for this?

- Eww!

But no... I meant for the flowers.

- All right, let's get these supply bags open

and start distributing blankets, food, and...

Pink ostrich feather earmuffs?

- Oh, great.

I was wondering where those were.

- Weren't you guys supposed to be carrying the supply bags?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- So where are they?

- Back at the buses... Maybe?

- Probably. - Definitely.

- What?

- Well, this is interesting.

We're isolated in a freak storm with no supplies

and no way of contacting the outside world.

- Yeah, but look on the bright side.

We're gonna see a lynching.

- What?

- Hey, honey, look what I made: A snow turkey/

- very... abstract, dear.

- Damn it.

Now I have to start all over again.

- Jake, aren't you forgetting something?

- Oh, yeah, my gloves.

Ow.

- I'm talking about intimacy, Jake.

We're supposed to be focusing on each other,

not a snow Turkey.

- But we did that already, remember?

- I mean talking, conversation, communicating.

- Oh, sure.

Um, you start.

- Well, um...

- Quinn, by causing the supplies to be left behind,

you violated the fashion club oath.

- I didn't know there was a fashion club oath.

- Yeah, me either. - Oath?

- Oh, yes:

"To promote a healthy glow by never allowing other members

to be deprived of skin-enhancing water reserves."

I'm afraid I have to call a vote on your standing, Quinn.

- I say she gets voted out of the fashion club

and seeks her revenge from a book depository

with a crossbow.

Really?

I say she stays in and becomes their leader,

unintentionally bringing about the apocalypse.

- And who thinks Quinn should be allowed

to stay in the fashion club?

- Ugh.

- It's not the money that hurts.

It's having that damn apocalypse postponed again.

- All right, sport,

you and mack here are going out as search party number one.

- Cool, a party.

- This isn't gonna be a party, Kevin.

You're going out into that driving, blinding,

flesh-tearing ice storm to look for Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill.

Got it?

- Sure, but where's the funnel?

- Down the trail, right by the dance floor.

- All right!

- But even if they do find Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill,

what are we going to do about food?

- That's where search party two comes in.

I'm going out in the storm myself looking for help.

The rest of you, conserve your energy.

Do as little as possible.

Pretend you're in class.

- You know, if this storm doesn't let up,

it could take days for help to arrive.

- Well, when everybody gets hungry enough,

it'll be interesting to see who gets eaten first.

- But on the downside,

we'll have to wait here with them.

- Good point.

Hey, Mr. Demartino,

we'd like to volunteer to go with you.

- As much as I appreciate your kind if foolhardy offer,

I have to decline.

It's too dangerous out there.

Once you walk out those doors, you may not be coming back.

- Okay, then we're all on the same page.

- Very well, but dress for survival.

- Well, I was gonna dress for perishing, but okay.

Hey, Quinn, I need to borrow your neck-insulator thingy

to go out on this highly dangerous

and potentially doomed rescue mission, okay?

- Whatever. I've got my own problems.

- Please stop the sisterly tears of concern.

You're making a scene.

- Look, can you please stop talking to me?

If the fashion club sees this,

I'll be like one of those baby birds

that gets put back in the nest, but the mother knows

it's been touched by a human and pecks it to death, understand?

- Sure, you're a birdbrain.

- Hey, nice scarf.

- Look, it converts into a noose.

- Handy.

- Okay, team, no matter what happens, stick by my side.

That's crucial, understand?

Yes.

- Ahhhhhhhhhh!

- Okay, quick assessment of our situation:

We're lost in a blizzard with no equipment and no leadership,

and if we don't get help, we'll probably have to drag back

the body of our history teacher.

- When you put it that way, you make it sound bad.

What started out as a grim,

life-negating field trip has turned into a grim,

life-negating gape into the void.

- With our luck, we'll probably be reincarnated

and have to do high school all over again from the beginning.

- That does it; Let's find those buses.

- Does anyone want to borrow my sunscreen lip gloss?

I've got plenty.

- Forget it, Quinn.

We're not letting you back in the fashion club.

We have bylaws, you know.

- We... hi.

- But I told you, it's not my fault

the supplies got left behind for my bags.

- You didn't have to bring so much stuff, Quinn.

- It's almost like you were trying to hog the spotlight.

- What? That is so not true.

I wanted to share all my hot i-rondack stuff

with you guys.

Here, Stacy,

take this camouflage yak fur canteen.

And, Tiffany, this metallic utility belt

with detachable emergency food kit is for you.

And, sandi, I wanted to surprise you

with this Titanic edition chenille gorp bag.

- Wait a minute. You brought food and water?

We're saved.

Um, where is the food and water?

- Well, I was gonna bring it along,

but it just got so bulky.

I'm sorry I've doomed us to a lingering death, sandi.

- Oh, well.

Can I have your ostrich feather earmuffs too?

- Sure.

- Welcome back, Quinn.

- No whistling.

We're supposed to be bonding.

- Oh, right.

- Jake! - Sorry.

- Ahhh! Arrgh!

- Mr. Demartino, what are you doing here?

- Need... phone.

- I'm sorry, we don't have a phone...

- Or a radio...

- Or a television.

Have a seat.

- Get comfy. - How about a game of charades?

- Need... help.

- You'll do fine.

Everybody knows how to play charades.

- You go first, Mr. Demartino.

- But I... - Uh-uh-uh, no speaking.

- That's rule number one.

- Is it a book?

A TV show?

- An adult movie?

- I think this could really be it.

- What are you talking about?

Just keep walking.

We'll find our way.

- I don't know, daria.

This is bad.

- Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap

about your boyfriend.

- Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you

all those times in front of my brother.

- I feel like we should say more.

- I know. That was kind of pathetic.

- Um, I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child.

- I'm sorry they added those ugly blue m&ms.

Better?

- I've made my peace.

- Ms. Li?

- What are you doing here, Mr. MacKenzie?

We're miles from the bunkhouse.

- Mr. Demartino sent me and Kevin out to find you.

- And where is Kevin?

- Um...

- Never mind. - Okay.

- I think Mr. O'Neill may be in this cave.

Let's investigate.

- Um, all right, but I hope he didn't make any other flags.

- Hello, Timothy O'Neill here.

If you are watching these last words,

then you'll know that I'm gone, and you've found this camera.

Well, you already know that you found the camera,

obviously, or how would you have the tape?

Actually, if you found the camera,

you must have found me,

unless you recovered the camera from looters,

although I must say, it's a pretty heinous thing

to steal from a frozen man.

Although, come to think of it,

it's not actually all that cold anymore,

and the snow got rid of the pollen.

You know, I feel pretty good.

Ms. Li, what the heck?

- O'Neill, you're wasting expensive videotape.

- Oh, dear.

- Now put these on, and let's go.

- A-heh-heh-heh, ahh.

- So this didn't work out so bad.

We managed to survive the blizzard

and ditch the field trip.

- Plus, you got that thing off your chest

about the blue m&ms.

- Do you think we should feel guilty

about leaving our classmates stranded in the wild?

- Who?

- Now, if my calculations are correct,

the parking lot is just around this clump of trees here.

The good ship lollipop.

Yeah, that's it.

No, wait, popeye the sailor man.

Toot, toot.

- What's that for?

- Hush money.

- Well, how was the field trip after the snow stopped?

Did you girls learn anything?

- I learned that sometimes being too well-dressed

can work against you.

Who would have thought that one's fashion sense

could have a dark side?

The normally life-affirming act of choosing an outfit--

- yes, Quinn, and what about you, daria?

- I came to the realization that given a choice

between sharing shelter with my fellow students

or risking death by blindly marching

into a blizzard, it's blizzard ho for me.

- Good for you, kiddo. - Jake!

- Wow, after all that quality time,

you two are working together

like a well-oiled intimacy machine.

Say, girls, when we get home,

who's up for a game of family charades?

- I'm not sitting next to Kevin.

I don't care how hard he begs.

Why isn't he begging?

- Um...

- Uh, Mr. D?

Mr. O?

Come out, everyone, heh-heh-heh.

Um, q.B. In distress, heh-heh-heh-heh... Huh?

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