Original subtitles

- And we're sitting there, trying to watch the movie,

and this guy next to Tom just won't shut up,

so finally, Tom takes out a $10 bill

and says to him,

"hey, buddy, I'll pay for your popcorn

if you promise to sit somewhere else after you get it."

- And then he developed a vaccine for polio

and tricked rumpelstiltskin into revealing his name.

- Oh, come on.

You have to admit,

that young Thomas is a clever fellow.

- Young Thomas?

Is that how they talk at his preparatory academy?

- Hey, I told you, his parents make him go there.

- Gosh, has he tried buying them some popcorn

if they'll let him go somewhere else?

- Yo. Hey, daria.

- Yo. - Why, young Thomas...

How nice to see you.

- Anybody want a ride home?

- That's very thoughtful of you,

but since I live two houses down,

I guess I'll pass.

- Oh, yeah.

- Well, I'll take that ride. See you later.

- See you later, daria.

- Later.

So what did you do last night?

- Oh, you know, not much.

- You went out with Tom?

- Well, yeah.

- You know, you don't have to tiptoe around me

like I'm some sort of hysterical nut job.

- There are many words I could use to describe you.

Hysterical is not among them.

- I know what you think,

but I know what I think,

and I think I think just as well as you think,

don't you think?

- Babe, if it were up to me,

I'd want you to have the brain power of a guy,

but it's science.

Men are smarter

'cause we have more muscle mass in our heads.

- I'm just as smart as you,

maybe smarter.

- Okay, sure you are.

- Don't you fratronize me!

- You think I don't know what that means?

I know what that means!

- They're fighting over who's smarter?

- There's a battle of the titans.

- I don't know.

You got to give Brittany credit

for not feeling like she has to conform

to his image of her.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Huh?

- Are you comparing Kevin and Brittany to you and me?

- There's, like, 16 possible combinations there,

and not a single one of them works.

- Kevin should accept Brittany saying she's smart,

and I should accept you and this whole Tom worship.

- Daria, you're making a big leap here,

and I don't worship Tom or anyone else.

Get over it.

- I am.

- Class, this will be very exciting.

We're going to set aside our books

and experience some real-life economics:

Renting an apartment, applying for a credit card,

opening a retirement account.

Of course, I don't expect you to actually rent an apartment

or what have you.

You'll just go through as much of the process as you can

and report back on your experiences.

Your assignment tonight is to pick a project and a partner.

- Excuse me.

What if we'd prefer to work alone?

- I'd really rather you work with someone, daria.

In the real world,

we rarely make financial decisions

without having to consider someone else's needs and wishes.

- Lousy real world.

- So you want to do the project alone, hmm?

- Kind of.

I kind of said that to tick you off.

- It worked.

- Are you guys doing that economics project together?

- Not necessarily.

- It's not looking good.

- Really?

- Aren't you working with young mack?

- I don't know.

He's kind of bad with money.

Like, he's been overdrawn

on his allowance for a while now.

- How long?

- Since third grade.

- So, babe,

what do you want to do for our economics project?

- I'm not doing any project with you, you big ape.

- Uh-oh.

- Oh, yeah?

Then who are you going to do your project with?

- Um...

- Um, daria, do you want to work with me on this project?

- Huh?

- Don't do me any favors.

- Sure, Jodie, why not?

- Okay, cool.

- Jodie,

Mr. Thompson and I are not speaking,

so do you want to do the economics project with me?

- Aw, gee, Brittany, I wish I could,

but I promised daria I'd do it with her.

- Oh.

Well, um, how about you, Jane?

- You want to do a class project with me?

- Well, not really,

but I mean, you're right here and all.

- Oh, Brittany, you sweet-talker, you.

- I hate everybody.

So you ready to work?

- Come on, daria.

If you don't like any of those other projects,

all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan,

renting an apartment,

or budgeting a funeral.

- Um, that's sweet of you, Russell,

but we just went out two weeks ago,

so I really can't go out with you again

for another three weeks.

Well, I consider a hospital visit a date.

Sorry.

Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all.

Bye.

- Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral?

- Why don't we try the loan?

I do want to start my own business after college.

- Come on, Mel, give me another shot.

We'll have them lining up to buy methane-powered hot tubs.

Hey, how about this catchphrase:

"So it smells? So what?"

Come on, Mel.

They're gonna repossess my parking space.

- Yes, let's start a business.

Nothing like being your own boss.

- What should we call our company?

- Brink of bankruptcy, incorporated?

- How about millennium project enterprises?

- No, no, absolutely not!

It's unethical. It's immoral.

It may well be illegal.

I'll have no part of it.

Okay, I'll do it.

- It's a little busy in here.

You want to take a break and get some pizza?

- Can I put it on my millennium project enterprises

expense report?

- What do you think of this?

We could plan a wedding.

That sounds dreamy.

- I guess we could say

you're marrying your high school sweetheart

and I'm just there for moral support.

- Oh, no!

I'm not marrying that jerk!

- No, you're not actually...

- I tell you what.

We'll tell them my high school sweetheart

begged and begged me to marry him,

but I finally had enough of all his immature behavior

and went off to The Bahamas to be alone and think,

and I met a wonderful young stablehand named Andre,

and the minute we looked into each other's eyes,

we knew it had to be,

because anyone who knows that much about horses

would certainly know a lot about women.

- You want to go get some pizza?

- Okay, so how about we say we want a home loan

to build one of those, uh, book rooms onto our house?

'Cause, you know, we're a couple of smart guys.

- You mean a library?

- No, bro,

you're thinking of that building downtown

where you can rent movies for free.

- Why didn't I pay my dad back in third grade?

- Well, if you don't like the wedding idea,

how about shopping for e-lec-tive surgery?

- Too messy.

Why don't we just use my standard approach

and pick the easiest?

You like cars?

- Sure!

- Okay, we're buying a car.

- Hey. - Yo.

- Good afternoon.

- Likewise, I'm sure.

- My partner and I were just discussing

our class project for economics.

- What an amusing coincidence.

So were my partner and I.

We're going to purchase an automobile.

- A coincidence, indeed,

for we're going to purchase an automobile too, as well.

- Well, I suppose we'll see

who uses their superior intelligence

to get the better deal, will we not?

- Hey, guys. - Hey, what's up?

- Hi! - You want to get a slice?

- Okay.

- Well, that's nice.

A boyfriend and a girlfriend

getting a slice together out of mutual respect.

I would ask you to sit down,

but as you can see,

I'm here with my friend Jane,

who respects my intelligence.

- She's embellishing a little.

- Well, I don't need to sit with you,

because I'll just sit with...

Hey, mack!

- Why don't you sit down with us?

- I'm not really hungry.

- See, I'm looking for something sporty,

but I want to stay in a budget.

- Hm...

Where did you say you go to school again?

- Lawndale high.

- So just what exactly is standard on this car,

and what costs extra?

- Hm, lawndale high.

I guess being a cheerleader and all,

you probably like to date football players.

- I used to.

- What about the warranty?

How many years does that cover?

- Not boring old Wally the car salesman,

who has his choice of any convertible on the lot

to pick you up with in front of all of your friends.

- Wow, that sounds fun,

but I'm supposed to ask you

about the sticker price on the car.

- Sticker, schmicker.

- Now, I don't want to spend a lot of money for this car.

- Course not!

You should pay what it's worth, not a penny more.

- Exactly!

- 'Cause you're obviously a man who knows what things are worth,

so you can see why this car is such a bargain at $20,000.

- Yeah, but his budget is $10,000.

- For how many years? - Huh?

- $10,000 for how many years?

One, two, five?

'Cause you spend $10,000 today for a crappy car

and put two grand of work into it a year.

In three years, you'll spend $16,000.

You're six grand in the hole. - Hm.

- But you spend 20 grand today

for a nice car with a three-year warranty,

you're spending zero instead of two large a year on repairs.

You come out at the end of three years six grand ahead.

You see what I'm saying? - Yes, but...

- You hang onto that car five years,

you've saved ten grand in repairs,

and since your original budget for the car was ten grand,

well, hell, fellas,

it's like you just got yourself a car for free!

- Wait a minute.

- Yeah, wait a minute.

Does this thing have cup holders?

- And so millennium project enterprises plans

to empower young people to make their own investment decisions

so that investing becomes as natural to them

as, say, going out for a fast-food hamburger.

- Because we all know how natural those hamburgers are.

- And just exactly what is your role in the company,

miss morgendorffer?

- Public relations officer.

- Daria is the inside person.

I'm the outside person.

- Very wise decision.

Well, I tell you what.

It's a fascinating idea

and very impressive presentation,

but two girls still in high school

with no business experience?

You're what we call high-risk applicants.

I really don't think the bank will give you a loan,

unless, daria, you want to ask your father to cosign for it.

- I don't think I can do that.

He's already had one heart attack.

- Oh, well, then... I'm sorry.

- What about my father?

- What about him?

Does he know anything about business?

- He helped me put together this proposal

that you claimed was so impressive.

- Your father's not Andrew Landon, is he?

- That's him.

- The folding coffee cup guy?

- Yes, that's my dad.

- Well, then, Jodie,

you've got business savvy in your blood.

Why don't I run your plan by my boss

and see what he thinks?

Maybe we can work something out.

- Why?

You don't give loans to high-risk applicants,

unless maybe you're hoping you'll get a little business

from their fathers.

- Now, Jodie...

- My father's the same high-risk color that I am, you know.

- Well, I guess that makes me the outside person.

Easy, there, speedy.

- The nerve of that idiot!

Listening to my business plan

and all my answers to his questions,

then asking if your father would cosign the loan.

Why? Because you're the right color.

- At least you called him on it.

- All I want is to be judged on my own merits, you know?

- Maybe they won't be so stupid at the next bank.

- Maybe, maybe not.

- Hi, girls.

I understand you're looking

to start up a brand-new business.

Tell me all about it.

- Yes, we're very excited about our idea,

and we've put together a comprehensive business plan

with the help of my father, Andrew Landon.

- Oh, the folding coffee cup guy?

- Would you moan my name

if I boinked you in heaven?

Ghost hookers in the sky tonight

on sick, sad world.

- Jane, will you please turn that off and listen?

- Sorry.

- All right,

so then the nice man told us

we could have the car for $100 over dealer's cost,

and--

- hey, janey.

Hey, da--whoa!

- Wally!

- Hey, Jane Lane.

I was just passing by in a hot new vexer,

and I remembered your address.

- But I didn't give it to you.

- I looked it up before I just passed by.

Anyway, I saw Brittany's old junker out front there,

and I said to myself,

"Wally, you can't let that girl drive around in that death trap.

It'll be on your conscience."

- That's my car.

- Yeah? Nice.

So, Brittany, you up for a test drive?

"And so armed with a realistic mission statement

"and a detailed three-year business plan,

"we managed to secure a start-up loan

and a line of credit at the second bank we visited."

How does that sound?

- Sounds like an "a".

- That's what I think.

"After we explained that the whole thing

"had only been a school project,

"the loan officer shook our hands

"and said to be sure and come see him

when we were really ready to start a business."

- And we all tripped off into the sunset

with a happy song on our lips.

- Something wrong?

- What could be wrong?

It was a triumph for all involved.

- So what's the problem?

- What problem?

- Your problem.

- No problem. It's like you said.

Armed with blah, blah, and blah,

we went in and got a loan

strictly on the merits of our work.

- Uh-huh.

Why don't you tell me what you think happened?

- Okey-doke.

What I think happened is:

You went to one bank, and a loan officer dismissed you

on the basis of your youth and possibly your race,

until he found out who your father was,

at which point he started kissing your butt,

you called him a hypocrite, and we walked out.

- That's right

- only to go into a second bank,

where the first words out of your mouth

were your father's name.

- What are you getting at, daria?

- Well, which was more hypocritical:

The first guy's changing his tune

when he found out who your father was,

or you making sure the second guy

knew who your father was before he formed an opinion?

- Are you calling me a hypocrite?

- No, I'm just saying...

- Hey, our assignment was to get a loan,

not save the world.

We were supposed to approach an adult financial situation

like adults, and that's exactly what I did.

I used the resources at my disposal to get the loan:

My dad's name.

And if I happened to depart from your black-and-white world

of ethics-- no pun intended...

- None taken.

- And wandered into a gray area, then too bad.

Maybe the first guy was a racist, maybe not.

Maybe I was right. Maybe I overreacted.

Hey, you wouldn't be working with me

if you weren't fighting with Jane.

Does that make you a racist?

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Don't tell me what's ethical and what's not.

I approached it like a smart businessperson,

and I got the loan.

- Fair enough.

- Are we done here?

- Oh, yeah. We're done.

- Good. I'll see you at school.

Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

- Hello, Jodie.

- So then the car salesman guy was so sad

when he found out we weren't really buying a car.

He said they had these big conventions in The Bahamas,

where they all talk about the sales they made,

and he was hoping to talk about our sale,

and now he couldn't. - Poor guy.

- And then he invited me to go to the convention with him

so I could see for myself.

- Hey, what's up? - Hey.

- Hello, mack.

- Excuse me, mack,

but would you tell these ladies

about the awesome deal I just made for a car?

- Go on, tell us, mack.

- Could everyone stop saying my name like that?

It's creeping me out.

- Of course, ma...

Um, sure.

- Anyway, this dealer wanted to sell us a brand-new vexer

for the sticker price,

20 grand, but Kevin went back by himself,

and by offering the guy cash,

he got him down to $18,500.

- You did, huh?

- That's peculiar.

Jane and I made a deal

for the same car for $16,000.

I believe that's several thousand dollars lower

than your arrangement,

if my mathematics hold... Or holds.

- Oh, yeah?

Let's see the paperwork.

- What do you mean?

I didn't really buy the car.

- Yeah, Kevin,

she'd have to be an idiot

to think Mrs. Bennett actually wanted her

to go through with the purchase.

- I got to get to that car place!

- How'd your thing with daria go?

- Oh, okay, I guess.

- Yeah?

No, I don't want to talk about it.

- Talk about what?

- Whatever it is

you came in to have a heart-to-heart talk about.

- I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes

before you put them in the dishwasher.

Your father found a cheese fry

melted onto his "world's greatest dad" cup,

and he thought it was some kind of rodent.

Now he's sworn off coffee.

- Then I should be hearing from the nobel committee any day now.

- All right, then.

I'll leave you to your reading.

- Don't I seem inordinately unhappy to you?

- I don't want to pry.

Well...

I did overhear your argument with Jodie.

- Do you think I'm a rigid, unrealistic,

unforgiving, self-righteous jerk

who can't hold on to a friend?

- She didn't say anything like that.

- But do you?

- Daria, you have strong beliefs,

and you want to live by them.

That's not a fault or a character flaw.

It's admirable.

It's what makes you who you are.

- Jodie didn't think so.

- Jodie is a little more pragmatic than you are.

She didn't appreciate being criticized for it.

- I don't blame her.

- And since she's pragmatic,

she also knows that the fact that someone's having a bad day

doesn't make them a bad person.

- What about someone

with a pattern of alienating people

with her self-righteous pronouncements?

- People aren't as easily alienated as you think, daria.

Ask Jane. She'll tell you.

- And in conclusion,

this project taught us several valuable lessons

about financial transactions in the real world.

- Yeah, like never leave a cash down payment.

Oh, gosh!

Don't let them see me like this.

- Um, thank you very much.

- Well, that was certainly informative.

Now let's hear from Jodie and daria,

who went out seeking a loan to start a new business.

- Before visiting banks to apply for a loan,

we realized we would have to have all our numbers in order.

We also tried to anticipate the bankers' questions

and be ready with detailed answers.

- Although what actually got us the loan

had little to do with all that preparation.

It was being flexible enough to tailor our approach

to what would make the bank officer feel comfortable

about lending us money.

- Um, we started by defining internally

exactly what our financial objectives would be.

- Hey, daria.

That was nice what you said in that presentation.

- Don't get conceited.

The only reason I changed my mind about what you did

is that I was wrong and I acted like a clod.

- That's two reasons.

- Rub it in, why don't you?

- Listen, I shouldn't have bitten your head off either.

I'm sorry about that.

- Don't worry about it.

I was tired of that head anyway.

- See you later?

- Later.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Couldn't help overhearing that you've been acting like a clod.

- Yeah, I'll bet that came as a big shock.

Well, at least she acted stupid too,

so we both had to apologize.

- Yeah. Imagine how bad you'd feel

if you'd been behaving like that

toward someone who hadn't even done anything to you.

- Yeah, just imagine.

Listen, Jane, i--

- on the other hand,

imagine if you had this really good friend

who was having a really bad week,

and this friend's been acting

pretty much like a jerk toward you.

- Yeah.

- But you already know how badly she feels about it.

You with me?

- Um, I think so.

- Maybe it's this friend

that you don't get to see as often as you used to,

but you still care just as much about her,

and you hate to see her unhappy.

- Yeah.

- Well, maybe you'd just forgive that friend for what she did

without even asking for an apology,

just to let her know, you know,

that you're still best friends.

- That's an interesting scenario you propose.

Suppose that left your friend, um, kind of embarrassed

and speechless?

- Well, then, I'd just tell her

that I'd meet her for pizza after school.

Give the kid some time to collect herself.

- Sounds like a good idea.

- I thought so.

- So then Brittany says to this Wally guy,

"did they have football when you went to high school?"

- This is what I get for putting down your Tom stories.

- Hey, I've still got a bunch of those you haven't heard.

- Let's never, ever fight again, okay?

We shan't let anything mar our love.

- Oh, babe, you're so hot.

- Oh, kevie.

- Looks like everything's back to normal

in the land of slow-witted love.

- Wally!

- Wally? Who's Wally?

- Hey, Brittany, some idiot bought a car

and then returned it the next day.

Now I got to sell it as used.

How'd you like a brand-new vexer for half price?

- Wow! - Hey, wait! That's my car!

You can't buy it for half price!

- Why not? You returned it.

- I thought you loved me.

What a traitor!

- Traitor?

I can't believe you...

- Oh, it's just like you...

- Yup. Everything's back to normal.

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