Original subtitles

- How can you eat that meat loaf?

Don't those little colored pieces scare you?

- We only go around once, I hope.

- I realize I'm probably wasting my time,

but do you guys want to buy tickets to casino night?

It's gonna be on the Princess fairy luxury liner.

- So the only means of escape is drowning.

- Look, we'd like to help you out,

but we have a very busy schedule.

There's a sick, sad world marathon all Friday night,

so we'll be way too tired on Saturday.

- You guys are hopeless.

- Damn it, she saw right through our facade

of hopefulness.

- She's the 12th person today.

- Casino night on a cruise ship is gonna be so glamorous.

- You're so lucky to be going with Rex, Quinn.

- Yeah, this week, he's, like, the most popular guy in school.

- Oh, I don't think so.

Well, probably.

- Ahem.

Actually, I believe Brent, my date,

may be a little more popular than Rex,

not that it matters.

- Oh, no, sandi, I'm sure you're right.

Um, did you say you were definitely going with Brent?

- Gee, Quinn, I hope this inability of yours

to retain simple information is just temporary

and not symptomatic of a more serious

underlying problem.

- It's just that I wait-listed Brent, you know,

in case something happened to Rex,

like, he got a pimple.

But if it does, I'll go to the next person

on my wait list, no problem.

- I see.

I guess Brent asked you

while he was waiting to hear back from me,

you know, using you as his safety date.

- I know how you can figure it out.

Quinn, which day did Brent ask--

- Stacy, who cares about such trivial matters?

Can't we find something less shallow to talk about

than when someone asked someone out?

- I'm sorry, sandi.

- Sandi's so pretty.

- And so, I regret to inform you

I will be unable to attend casino night.

I have plans.

- Cancel them.

Every student and faculty member must attend,

or I won't be able to afford the secure fence shock hundred.

Fine, I'll buy a ticket just so I don't have to go.

- Negative.

We need all the adult volunteers we can get.

- Miss li, I implore you!

- Please, Mr. Demartino.

I haven't heard anyone try so hard

to squirm out of a school event since Helen morgendorffer

made up that ridiculous excuse

about being allergic to crepe paper.

Is this thing on?

Attention, students.

- Uh-oh, it's those voices again.

- Due to cash flow problems,

casino night attendance is now mandatory.

Show your school spirit and dip into your college fund.

Thank you.

- Now I'll never be able to buy that college.

- It's so unfair, shazu.

Sandi is always accusing me of being shallow,

but I think a lot about important stuff.

Like, what about all those poor people

in those other world countries who can't afford

professional grooming assistance?

- Quinn, don't look now,

but Marco's just sat down next to us.

- Marco, the talcum powder model?

- Just pretend like we don't notice.

So, Quinn, what were you just saying

about the less fortunate?

- Oh, yes.

So anyway, even in this country,

there are people who can't afford nice haircuts,

and it must be awful for them.

I mean, how can they go outside?

- I'm sorry; I couldn't help overhearing.

- Oh, well, that's okay.

- You know, I used to go out with my hair uncombed and stuff,

but then I realized that by looking good,

I'm bringing a little beauty into the lives

of people surrounded by their own ugliness.

- I know exactly how you feel.

- You're really thoughtful.

Are you around Saturday night?

Maybe we could hook up.

- Hmm, let me check my schedule.

Casino night on the Princess fairy?

- Yeah, it's this silly little high school event.

I wrote it down to remind myself not to go.

- Oh, too bad.

I look really great on a boat.

- You do?

- You see, Helen, anyone can make a floating key chain

or a glow-in-the-dark key chain,

but this is the first time someone's made

a floating glow-in-the-dark key chain.

- Damn, this pan is hot.

- So I said to them, "look, you've got a great product here,

"but its name should reflect both its floatability

and its incandescence."

Helen, you should have seen them light up

when I said incandescence.

Hey, that's probably some kind of a pun.

- Yes, dear. Ouch!

- "How does this sound?" I said.

"The radioactive duck."

Man, they loved it, loved it! I think.

- Uh-huh.

What the hell did the girls do with the other mitt?

- Helen, you're not listening to me.

- Of course I'm listening to you.

You're considering getting a new key chain,

and I think it's an excellent idea.

- You know, you could be a little supportive

of my career.

- I am supportive.

It's just, right now, I've got more important--

I'm sorry; Tell me about the keys.

- "Tell me about the keys, Jake.

Oh, Jake, i'm so interested in the keys."

Well, you can just forget it, missy.

Jake morgendorffer doesn't repeat himself.

Doesn't repeat himself!

- So anyway, the whole school

is all excited about my date with Marco.

- I'm sure casino night's going to be wonderful.

Dad and I would volunteer,

but I have to go over some briefs.

We'll be happy to drive you to school, though,

right, Jake?

- Sure, drive you to school.

The invisible man here will be happy to drive you to school.

- Will you be wearing those neat bandages?

- No, thanks.

Marco will probably pick me up in a limo

or one of those cute little sports cars.

- To go with his cute little brain.

- Besides, casino night's not at the school.

It's on the Princess fairy.

The Princess fairy? The cruise ship?

- Yeah.

- They're looking for a new ad campaign.

What better way to suck up to the owners

than volunteering at a fund-raiser?

They'll never know they're being pitched.

Jake, you crafty devil.

- Why, Jake, what a wonderful idea.

- Oh, like you mean it. - No, really.

Casino night is the perfect time to approach them.

- So you'll volunteer with me? - What?

- You'll volunteer with me.

You'll do the supportive wife thing.

- Um, sure.

- Really? - I said yes.

- No. - Great!

- Her amputee boyfriend was cheating.

So she stole his prosthesis.

But he kept right on hopping into strange beds.

The one-legged lothario next on sick, sad world.

- Serves him right for keeping his leg in a display case.

- Yeah, he should have used the freezer like everybody else.

- I didn't mean to hurt him.

- The knife just slipped 67 times.

- What can you say?

Some people are just klutzy.

- Meet the cannibal with a heart--quick,

before he eats it-- next on sick, sad world.

- Right.

- Daria, get moving, or we'll miss the cruise.

- Just carry me to the car.

- I can't believe Marco isn't here yet.

- It appears the unthinkable has happened.

- Tube tops are coming back? - No.

You've been stood up.

- Shut up, daria! I have not!

- Okay, my mistake.

- That's it! I'm not going to the dance.

I'm telling everyone I got sick and canceled the date.

Daria, you'll back me up, right?

Right?

- Fine, desert me in my hour of need.

I can't--

- Quinn, are you sure Marco knew to come here?

Maybe he thought he was meeting you at the ship?

- Wait, let me off.

It's an emergency.

- Sorry, too late.

- Ooh!

- Anthony, what are you doing out here?

The fun's in the casino.

- Come on inside.

Don't be a party poop.

Timothy, I've got a problem, a gambling problem.

Once I start, I can't stop.

- Listen to me, Anthony.

Just give away your chips and reclaim your self-esteem.

- But the smell of the cards, the sound of the shuffle,

the pain of handing over the title to my car

to some yokel with beginner's luck!

I can't stand it!

- Oh.

- Thank you, Timothy. I needed that.

- Oh, well--

- don't do it again!

- Let's find someplace we can nap in peace.

- All right, but first,

let's gamble all our chips away in one grand,

magnificently pointless gesture.

- That's the only kind of gesture I make.

- Give away the chips.

- Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we won?

- Number eight.

- So much for irony.

- Daria, take my chips.

- Excuse me?

- You know, as a thank-you

for making me want to kill myself

a little less than the processed sausages

who call themselves your classmates.

- You're not one of those

"young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?

- Thanks, Mr. Demartino, but I can't.

I've already reached my fun quota.

- Well, then you take them, Jane, for being so...

- Yes?

- Angular.

- Hello, everyone.

Hope there aren't any card sharps here.

- Hmm, it is tempting, especially with Mr. O'Neill

about to sit down at the poker table.

- I bet he has a good poker face.

- But I'd rather be sleeping.

Thanks anyway.

- "Give the chips away."

Poker face.

Ah, poker!

- I wonder where Quinn could be.

- Tiffany, grooming facilities on these vessels

are very primitive.

She and Marco are probably fighting over mirror space.

- Wait, there she is.

- Hey, Quinn. - Hey, Quinn.

- You look cute. - Hi.

Boy, I'm so glad I found you guys.

- Where's Marco?

- Oh, he got stuck at a photo shoot,

but he said he might stop by later.

- Later? We're on a boat.

- You know, Tiffany,

there are things called helicopters.

- Gee, poor Marco must be the only model in the world

who's ever had to work on a Saturday.

- Sandi, you act as if you don't believe me.

- Of course I believe you, Quinn.

And even if I didn't, which I do,

I would never tell anyone you've been stood up.

It could put your popularity in free fall,

and I'm too good a friend for that.

- Thanks, sandi, you are a good friend.

I guess I'll get a soda.

- Poor Quinn.

I can't believe she's been stood up.

- Did you hear? Quinn's been stood up.

- Quinn's been stood up? Oh, my gosh.

- Marco, that model.

- Ha, ha!

Three Jacks!

I win again.

- Um, Anthony, I really think

you're taking a bad detour off recovery road.

- Well, that's interesting. Deal!

- Ah!

- You've had too much to drink, damn it.

Now, get out of here

and back in the pilot house, where you belong.

- Aye-aye, captain.

- You're the captain, you idiot.

- Okay, those must be the owners.

You strike up a friendship with her

while I dazzle him with a little consulting expertise.

- Ahoy there, mates.

You must be the owners of this fine ship.

- Right you are, handsome.

I'm didi, and this is my husband, Lee.

- Hello, Helen morgendorffer.

- Nice to meet you. - Welcome aboard.

How you doin'?

- Oh! - Damn it!

I got to go escort the captain to the pilot house.

But let me stand you to a flagon of grog there, Jake.

- Grog?

This is beer.

- Cheap beer.

- My, what a lovely broach.

- It cost a fortune.

Little enough compensation

for sleeping with that bozo for 30 years.

- I'm out of cash.

Do you take credit cards?

Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer.

I don't know if you're interested,

but they're looking for another poker player.

- I'm on my way.

- Helen? - Bye, nice meeting you.

- Wait, Mrs. Morgendorffer, there's a player at the table

who requires your special understanding.

- My, Jake, your wife seems a little tense.

Oh.

She's just very energetic.

- But I'll bet you know how to relax her.

- This cruise isn't so bad.

We're doing the same thing here

we'd be doing any other Saturday night.

- You're right.

Pleasant dreams.

- Oh, kevy, alone at last.

- Babe, want to join the mile high club?

- I know.

Why don't you join the bottom of the ocean club?

- Hey, you've been spying on us.

Come on, kevy, let's go someplace

where we can be alone.

- Yeah, let's get away from these nosy bodies.

- Back to the Serenity of dreamland.

- Yeah, I hope the fire-breathing cyclops

hasn't caught me yet.

Now, there's nothing wrong with the name Princess fairy.

But if I were your consultant,

I'd come up with something more edgy, like the elegante.

Then with a paint job and some new carpeting--

- I don't know if my husband, El cheapo,

will go for spending that kind of money.

He won't even paint the lifeboat.

- Oh.

- But maybe you and I can whip up a strategy

to convince him.

- Yipe!

- Ha! Full house.

How could I, a born loser, ever delude myself

into thinking that I could win at poker

when nothing in my whole miserable existence

has ever worked out!

- Mr. Demartino, please control yourself.

It's only a game.

- Not so fast.

Read 'em and weep.

Straight flush.

- Oh!

- Kevy.

Oh, no!

Kevy, we're floating away!

- Don't worry, babe.

I'll save us. Oops.

- Oh, no!

Now what are we gonna do?

- Help! - Help!

- Help us!

- Do you hear Brittany and Kevin screaming?

- No.

- Me neither. Nighty night.

- Daria, I need your advice.

- My advice is, leave now,

and I won't turn you into shark kibble.

- I'm serious.

The whole school is talking about how I got stood up.

- You people just never want for stimulating conversation,

do you?

- I know. How do I make them stop?

- By acting like you don't care what they think.

- But I do care what they think.

It's why I do what I do, wear what I wear,

say what I say.

- And I suppose if someone told you to read a book,

you'd do that too.

- Look, just pretend you don't care.

It'll take all the fun out of dragging your name

through the mud, and the conversation

will turn back to more important matters,

like which lip gloss has the longest staying power.

- Besides, if you act upset, they'll know you were stood up.

- Yeah.

So stop engaging in suspicious behavior.

- What suspicious behavior?

- Hanging around us.

- Oh, you're right. - That was easy.

- I can do it in my sleep.

Um, Mr. Morgendorffer, I'm a little short on cash,

and I was wondering if you'd like to buy my watch.

- Maybe some other time.

Say, that's a pretty cheap-looking item.

- Jamie!

- I'll raise you $20.

- Helen, I have to talk to you.

- Not now, Jake.

- I'll see your $20 and raise you $5.

- Honey, it's important.

- Not now, Jake!

- Excuse me, Quinn's visiting exchange student or whatever.

- We're really worried about Quinn.

- Yeah, we want to make sure she wasn't really stood up.

- Marco did call from the shoot, right?

Because it would be just awful if he didn't.

- Yeah, he called.

- Oh.

- You realize you just did something nice for your sister.

- Must be the sleep deprivation.

- I know.

Maybe if I light a match, someone will see us.

Whoa!

- Quit splashing me!

- Sorry, babe.

Hey, I found the matches.

- Hello there.

- Ah!

I'm sorry. You startled me.

- Little old me?

Don't just stand there, handsome.

Hold on to my waist.

Mm.

I feel so free.

- Really? Um, that's nice.

- Hey!

- Whoa, oh, whoa!

- Get a life!

Don't just stand there, skinny.

Hold on to my waist.

- I've thought about chucking it all,

believe you me.

One day I'm gonna buy a boat, sail it around the world, twice.

- I'm a mite tired, son.

I'm going to bed. Try to be home by 11:00.

- Oh, wha--hey, wait!

- Daria! Have you seen your father?

- Mom, Dr. Moreau invited you to the island too?

- I'm going to kill-- there he is.

Jake.

- Listen, Helen, the captain-- - no, you listen.

Your little interruption broke my concentration

and caused me to lose my big hand.

- Oh, it did, did it?

Well, your lack of support cost me a consulting job,

leaving me alone with that-- eww--didi!

- Oh, fine, just blame everything on me.

- Damn right I'm gonna blame everything on you!

It's your fault!

- We're never gonna get any sleep, are we?

- Not unless we kill every living thing on board.

- I'm okay with that.

Look, the fog's rolling in.

Eww. That's not fog.

That's methane.

- I believe your story, Quinn.

I mean, no guy would ever stand you up.

- Thanks, Brent.

- Oh, my god! Helen, the boat's sinking!

Oh, we're gonna die! We're gonna die!

- Damn it!

Where's the lifeboat?

The lifeboat?

Certainly you have more than one lifeboat.

- Are you nuts?

Do you know how much those things cost?

Now, where is it?

- I don't know.

Want to buy a watch?

- I want to help Quinn off the boat.

- But I was here first, so I get to.

- But I know the heimlich maneuver.

- I would have won that game too.

- Except that you lost.

- Ugh!

- Help!

Whoa!

I'm drowning.

- Stay there.

I'll be right back with the life vest.

- Hey, sandi, about going out for some food.

I think I'll take a rain check.

- Did you hear?

Sandi's been dumped.

- Oh, no, sandi's been dumped?

- Sandi got dumped.

- No way, sandi's been dumped?

- So now that sandi's been dumped,

she won't dare bring up Marco.

Eww! Get off me!

- Not now, Quinn.

I'm talking to your father.

You just had to interfere.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, none of this would have happened

if you hadn't left me with that--that nympho!

- Excuse me, but, like,

I think I'm supposed to meet someone at a party here.

- Actually, the party's moved.

Come on, you can ride with me.

- But...

- Wait, I think I see the rescue boat.

Oh, no, it's a cloud.

But doesn't it look kind of like a boat?

Or maybe more like a camel.