Original subtitles

- Jane, your picture's full of bloody people.

That's not a still life.

- Sure, it is.

The blood's the reason they're so still.

- Blood? Cool!

Hey, Jane, paint something with blood

on my canvas... And maggots.

- Sorry, sport boy.

These itty-bitty canvases just don't do it for me.

How I long for a medium grand enough to do justice

to my inner torment.

- Good morning, students.

Where is your instructor?

- She went to the ladies' room.

- 10-25.

Defoe leaves post without clearance

for personal business.

Initiate investigation.

Anyway, I just dropped in to caution you

that the school dance is in two weeks,

and security is going to be especially tight,

so if anyone is thinking of rigging

a bucket of pig's blood to the rafters,

well, they can just forget it.

- There goes my weekend.

- That dance is going to be cool.

- You callous oaf! - What?

- Did you forget the last dance,

when I caught you making out with Zoe?

- For the 50th time, babe, I was fixing her nose ring.

- What do you think, I'm stupid and stuff?

- Hey, I already told you, smart doesn't matter

with a body like mine.

I mean yours. - Hmm!

For your information, there are plenty of guys

who think I'm pretty and smart.

- You can visit them

at the cedars of lawndale head injury ward.

- Ooh, I'm sick of this!

Maybe it's time I find someone who really appreciates me.

- Maybe I should find someone who really appreciates me.

- Hello, mom?

- Then you just go ahead and do that,

because it's--it's over!

And this time, I mean it!

- Oh, yeah?

It's double over for me!

- You don't really think--

- forget it.

That species mates for life.

- Now, remember, your Hemingway essays

are due in one week.

And this time, Stacy, it's Ernest, not Mariel.

- Sorry.

- Oh, class, before you go,

we're still looking for someone to head the dance committee.

Remember, to volunteer is to say, "I care."

- Dance committee.

I'll never work on another dance again.

They expect you to do stuff,

and now everything's messed up,

and the whole school's going to blame me.

Plus, I haven't even had time to find sandals

to go with my new halter dress.

- Sandi, I warned you,

to volunteer is to say, "use me."

- Sandi, are you okay?

- Gee, Quinn, I think you should volunteer.

You have such good taste.

- Um, but you have even better taste, sandi.

You should volunteer.

- I know; Why don't you take the job

and appoint the fashion club as your committee?

Of course, if you don't think we're up to it,

then just say so.

- Um, okay.

I guess.

Mr. O'Neill, I'll head the dance committee.

- Really? Great!

Get ready to work like you've never worked before.

- Oh, I'll have the fashion club to help me.

Right, guys?

Guys?

- I've had it.

Kevin and I are finally over for good.

- Is it over over,

like the time he got you a football for you birthday,

or just over,

like the time he thought your goldfish needed air?

- No, this time, it's really over over,

and as fellow cheerleaders, you have to swear

on a stack of pom-poms not to go to the dance

with that two-timing, scum-of-the-earth Kevin.

We solemnly swear not to go to the dance

with that two-timing, scum-of-the-earth Kevin.

Yay, team!

- So it's agreed.

No one ask Brittany to the dance.

We're men. We got to stick together.

We show 'em who's boss.

- Hi. - Quinn?

- I want to talk to you. - Don't go away.

- Yo, guys. Guys!

- So I said

maybe we should get a velvet rope

and hire a bouncer to keep out, you know,

the undesirable element.

- I remember those dances.

You want to talk about humiliation?

The one time I had a date, she stood me up

for Mr. Campus hot stuff.

Oh, but I showed her.

I went anyway!

How I wanted to wring her little--

- daria, are you going to the dance?

- Of course she's not going.

Only a loser would go to a dance without a date.

- School dances suck!

- Jake, here. Make a guest house.

- All right!

- Don't anybody move.

- Charity bloodsuckers!

- No, it's the fashion bloodsuckers.

- Everyone, please remain in your seats

until my guests and I are all safely upstairs.

Thank you.

- How come Quinn never introduces us to her friends?

- Why don't you ask the little people

who live in your potatoes?

- So I was thinking,

since we'll all be wearing designer dresses,

we should have a fashion show theme.

The dance floor could be on a runway,

and everyone could watch us from the sidelines.

- That's a great idea.

- Yeah, really great, Quinn.

- Yes, if you want to make a mockery of the runway

by having the visually unacceptable

waddle all over it.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, right.

- Okay, then maybe since we're all wearing bronze,

gold, and copper dresses,

we should have a bronze, gold, and copper dance.

- Oh, that's cool. Yeah, good idea.

- Great, then everyone will know

what we're wearing ahead of time,

so no one will be surprised.

- Ooh, she has a point.

- Gee, sandi, since you don't like any of my ideas,

maybe there's something you'd like to do.

- I think we should decorate the gym

like the inside of the concorde.

- Um, it's a cute idea and everything,

but I'm not sure there would be much room to dance, and--

- gee, Quinn, if you're not going to listen to ideas

from your own dance committee,

maybe you should just plan the dance alone.

- Don't be silly.

- So now I'm silly?

- I meant it would be silly for me to plan the dance alone

when I have such a talented committee.

I know the four of us

can come up with something really fun.

- But I already did come up with something really fun.

- But it's just, well, not practical.

- Maybe I should just have my own party,

since you obviously think I'm postal.

- I don't think you're postal.

- Come on.

I know a really nice insane asylum.

- Sandi, I think what Quinn meant is--

eep!

- But I need you guys!

- Then next time, maybe you'll act like it.

- Sorry, Quinn.

- Wait!

- So, Angie, want to go to the dance with the qb?

I'll drive.

- No, thanks, Kevin.

I've got plans that night to...

Um, read a newspaper.

- Hmm, okay.

- Hey, Quinn.

- Not now.

- Um, daria, can I ask you a personal question?

- No.

- See, normally, I have no trouble in,

you know, the babe department, but now they're treating me

like I'm on the honor roll or something.

- Kids can be so cruel.

- I can't get one cheerleader to go to the dance with me.

I don't get it.

- Maybe you're losing your looks.

- Or maybe you're losing your mind.

- You think I'm losing my looks?

- A face-lift will fix you right up.

- Why do you have to go to the dance with a cheerleader?

- It's not to make Brittany jealous,

if that's what you think.

- I'm convinced.

- Cheer up.

I'm sure there are plenty of noncheerleaders

who would be happy to waste three hours of their lives

at a dance with you.

- Oh, wait!

I see where this is going.

Hey, daria, no offense, but no way.

I mean, what are you thinking?

- Huh? - Gotta go.

- But what about the baby?

- Um, Ms. Barch. Janet.

May I call you Janet? No?

Oh, okay.

Ms. Barch--

- hi. - Eep!

- I just wanted to tell you that, um,

my great aunt Audrey died two days ago,

and I'm too upset to head the dance committee.

You know, death and all.

Okay, gotta go.

- Quinn, wait.

If there's anything I can do to help you

through this time of bereavement--

- all right, so I don't have a great aunt Audrey.

Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany deserted me,

and no one else will help,

and I can't plan the dance all by myself.

- I see.

You must be feeling a lot of teenage stress

to make up such a fanciful story.

- So I'm off the hook?

- Quinn, I've got a solution.

I will be your dance committee.

- Ew!

Fine. I'll find a new committee.

- Janet, please don't think me forward or Randy

by asking you this, but...

- So, anyway, I really love to dance.

Of course, the best place to dance is at a dance.

Do you like to dance?

- Um, sure.

I mean, no.

No, no, no, no.

- I can't believe it.

No one has asked me to the dance.

Am I losing my looks?

- They're gaining their senses. - What?

- Brittany, I completely disapprove

of this ridiculous fight with Kevin.

- Oh.

- But if you insist

on teaching the big idiot a lesson,

why not ask Robert to the dance?

- But he's at Disney world with his family

till next Friday.

- So he doesn't know about any of this.

That's why he'll say yes, see?

- Wow, Jodie.

No wonder you're an honor student.

- Yeah, all that note-taking and studying

is just to kill time between my friends' romantic crises.

- You ought to try watching TV.

- Hey, what's she so happy about?

- Nothin', honey.

- Hi, guys.

- I was wondering if you could do me a teensy-weensy favor.

- I can do it. - I got you covered.

- Great!

I need help planning the dance.

Quinn, we'd like to help, but, you know, we're guys.

- Hey, sandi. - Hi, sandi.

- Gee, I hope everyone here isn't too busy

to come to the party I'm having

while my parents are out of town.

Quinn, I just want to say

that I'm really sorry about our fight.

I don't even care who was at fault.

I just hope you're not still mad.

- I could never stay mad at you, sandi.

- Good.

So you'll be at my party next Saturday.

I mean, it wouldn't be the same without you, Quinn.

Saturday!

Saturday! Saturday!

- Saturday?

But that's the same night as the dance.

Dance! Dance! Dance!

- You're kidding!

I forgot all about the dance.

Gee, that's too, too bad.

I mean, I can't unorder all that free pizza.

- Pizza? - Oh, great.

- Well, I can't unorder, um, the free soda and tacos

I was going to order.

- Tacos!

- Outdoor turbo-jet hot tub.

- Preferred seating for the popular.

- Green day on big screen.

- Dj on dance floor.

- Miniskirts. - Strapless!

Well?

- My head hurts. - Mine too.

- Ooh. - Ow!

- What deadly new diseases can you pick up by sitting down?

Toilet seat terror, next on sick, sad world.

- Need someone to count it for you?

- $100. It's yours.

All you have to do is be my dance committee.

- Put away the cash. I'll do it for free.

- You will? - Sure.

And after that, we can play mystery date

and have a Taffy pull.

- My own flesh and blood, daria.

My own flesh and blood.

- Not so fast. - What?

- What's the budget?

You know, for food, music, decorations.

- $1,000.

Well, minus this discretionary fund.

- The time has come to reach out and bond

with my fellow classmates.

Organizing a dance is the best way to say,

"Jane Lane wants to be your friend."

- Whatever. Let's divide everything up.

This is what you're responsible for.

- Decorations, furniture rentals, food, music.

You're in charge of...

- Lots of things. Any questions?

- How many people-- - oops, date's here.

Gotta go.

- Does this have any connection

with that big art piece you want to do?

- $1,000 can buy a lot of paint.

- But what about our dancing classmates?

- Oh, put this aside for a bag of chips and a boom box.

- Now, Janet, I know that you're--Jane!

Thank you for finally stopping by.

- Sorry, late.

No sleep, two days.

- By the way,

did Quinn give you my list of suggestions?

- Who?

- I just thought a dramatic reading or two

would be a nice break,

you know, in between all the rocking out.

Um, Janet?

I mean, Ms. Janet.

No, that is--

- come on, skinny. Let's dance.

- See how the hands grip the steering wheel

like he still thinks he could drive his way out of it?

- Yeah.

Maybe he could if his arms were attached.

- I hate to tell you this,

but your conceptual piece is a big hit.

- Couldn't just let me enjoy the moment, could you?

Although, I am impressed you braved a high school dance

to support the arts.

- I've come. I've seen.

Let's go.

- And now, ladies,

take your man by the hand,

and climb aboard the roller coaster to love.

- You made upchuck the dj?

- I figured it was best to keep him out of circulation.

Plus, he had all the right qualifications.

- He volunteered. - Bingo.

- I can't believe Mr. O'Neill said

he'd give me detention if I didn't come

to this stupid dance.

I mean, have you seen the way people dress in detention?

- Yeah, they're losers. - I know.

- Oh, no!

What did she do to the gym?

Guys, I'm really thirsty.

Can you get me some punch? Now?

What's this about?

- Being young, carefree,

having your whole life ahead of you,

and dancing the night away to celebrate?

Oh, and the untimely death of Jackson pollock.

- Great, some friend of yours bites it in a car crash,

and you take it out on me.

My life is over, okay?

- You've done well.

- Cool decorations, Quinn. - Really?

- Yeah, you're a really good painter.

- Thanks. Come on, let's dance.

- Which one of us?

- Both, silly.

- And if you luscious lovelies out there are wondering

what effect you have on Charles ruttheimer III,

why, you make me wanna shout.

- She's going to take all the credit, isn't she?

- It's the thing she does best--

that and avoiding lipstick teeth.

- Doesn't Robert look handsome tonight?

- Stunning. - Thank you, ma'am.

- So where's Kevin?

Not that I care.

- He's at sandi's party.

- Come, Robert.

Let us dance.

- Yes, ma'am.

- And so while the broncos remain snowbound

outside Denver international airport,

we're pleased to bring you this encore presentation

of 50 years of off-Broadway choreography.

- Guys, this, um...

- Sucks? - Yeah.

- Hey, sandi, is Quinn coming over?

- And where's Brittany?

Not that I care.

- I believe they're at the dance.

You know, with the losers.

Now, who wants to try out those new jets in my hot tub?

- Um, I'll go change. - Oh, me too.

- Good idea.

- They look terrible out there.

- We've got to tell her for her own good.

- Isn't Robert a dreamy dancer?

Much better than Kevin.

- Brittany, honey, your date dances like a big geek,

and I thought you should know.

- Uh-oh. We've been spotted.

- Well, I don't feel like talking to anyone.

- That's a shocker.

Don't worry, I'll get rid of them.

- Hi. Cool decorations, huh?

- Have a seat. - That's telling 'em.

- I'm Brad, and this is my brother, Brett.

We're from cumberland high.

- What are you doing here?

- We travel around on weekends

trying to find a high school more screwed up than ours.

- And? - Congratulations.

Your trophy will arrive in six to ten business days.

- Now let's slow things down so we can heat things up,

if you get my drift.

- Ew!

Get your big, sweaty hands off of me!

I don't slow dance until after the fifth date.

- Hi, Quinn. Do you want to dance?

- Come on. Dance with me first.

- How come you guys aren't at sandi's party?

- It, um...

- Sucked. - Sucked.

- Gee, that's too, too bad.

- I'm sorry you're not feeling well, ma'am.

Are you hungry?

Can I drive you anywhere?

How about-- - thanks, Robert.

But I just want to go home.

- I got you the wrong color corsage, didn't I?

If the chocolates were too chocolate,

just tell me.

- You know, we really should say something

about that guacamole on the floor

before someone else sprains their ankle.

- Yeah, we really should. - Mm.

- So I was reading this book on Jeffrey dahmer...

- Hey, Kevin.

- No one messes with my girlfriend but me!

Die!

Yeah!

- Boy, those guys must really like Brittany a lot

to fight over her.

- Hey, what's the big idea taking Quinn to the dance?

- Yeah, that's our job.

- Oh, dear.

- Where are all the guys?

I mean, how long does it take them to change?

- I heard a bunch of cars leaving earlier.

- Well, why didn't you say anything?

- I figured they belonged to a really big family.

- Ew, look!

I'm getting all pruny.

- Stacy, that is so unattractive.

I can't believe you even showed me.

Come on, let's change and go to the dance,

unless Stacy has something else really gross to show us.

- So you guys want to go to Joe's diner?

The food's inedible,

and one of the waiters is a schizophrenic.

- Think we can get in? - Cool.

Let me tell Chuck so he can meet up with us later.

- Wait. You're friends with upchuck?

- He's our cousin.

We came to see his dj act.

- Um... - I just remembered...

- I think I have to be somewhere...

- On the other side of town...

- Oh, kevie, I only kissed Robert

to get even with you for kissing Zoe.

It didn't mean anything.

And now I know you really do love me

and you really mean it when you say

smart doesn't matter, although I think

I'm smarter than you think I am, although I know I'm not smarter

than the really smart, smart people.

So I forgive you!

Kevie?

Kevie?

- Son, I wouldn't try to talk with that broken jaw.

- A broken jaw?

For me?

- Let's do the math one more time.

Your dance decorations were a huge hit.

- Plus.

- But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.

- Minus.

- We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.

- Plus.

- But they turned out to be carriers

of the dreaded ruttheimer gene.

- Big minus.

- So we're more or less even on the night.

- Darn.

And it came so close to turning out semidecent.

- Oh, my god.

- Open up. - Let us in.

- Open this door. - Hello!

Plus!