Original subtitles

- And so the Democratic party

came to be associated with the "welfare state,"

and the republican party with a more darwinian approach.

Which do you favor? Kevin!

- Darwin's the monkey guy, right?

I like monkeys.

- A statement no doubt once also made

by your mother!

- No.

She's more into kitties.

- I love kitties!

- That's terrific, Brittany,

and really adds an extra dimension to today's lesson!

Uh, Ms. Li, I wonder if I might--

- forget it!

I've already told you:

No staff resignations while class is in session.

Students, aren't we a bunch of lucky so-and-sos?

With all that this great land has given us,

shouldn't we think about giving back just a little?

- She's right.

I'm going to renounce my citizenship.

- So as part of the school district's

first annual awareness of others week,

I'm asking each lawndale high student

to sign up for an extracurricular activity

to make the world a better place.

- Let's start by rounding up

all the psychotic school administrators

and putting an end to their suffering.

- And ours.

- 100% participation will earn me--

earn us

special recognition from the superintendent of schools.

Now, I want all of you to go out there and make me--

make the school look good.

Resume learning!

- Class, dare I ask whether anyone can relate this appeal

for volunteerism to the political philosophies

we've been discussing today?

Kevin.

- You know what's cool about that Darwin guy?

When curious George gets in trouble,

he always lets him slide.

- Ms. Li, wait!

Hear a desperate man's plea!

- I just think people should volunteer for causes

because they believe in them,

not because it makes the school look good.

- Absolutely.

Run down the list of causes you volunteered for again?

- I protested that book burning last year.

- You yelled at the TV screen.

- Hey, if more people spoke up--

- uh-oh.

Looks like a whole bunch of people got here before us.

- I wonder if this has anything to do

with the full day of procrastinating we just put in.

- Look.

They need someone for an arts and crafts class

at the children's ward of the hospital.

- Calling Jane Lane.

- Too bad there's only one slot left.

- That's okay.

I guess I'll be picking debris off the highway.

That'll make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

- Wait!

How about reading to senior citizens?

- No, thanks.

I'll feel more comfortable with the roadkill.

- Come on, you're a people person.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, you're a person anyway.

- Oh, what the hell.

It'll be good practice for when my parents turn senile,

which is probably any day now.

- Ooh, kevvy, look.

Reading with seniors.

- Hanging out with the upperclassmen?

Excellent.

- So the fashion club voted, and we're going to collect clothes

for the homeless.

- Isn't that wonderful?

- Well, I was given a talent for accessorizing,

and it's sort of my duty to share it with the world.

- I heard St. Francis started the same way.

- What are you doing, daria?

- She got stuck reading to old people.

- Hey, that's great, kiddo.

- Well, I'm proud of my girls

for caring about the less fortunate.

Quinn, I'm going to go through my closet right now

and see what I can donate to your clothing drive.

- Your closet?

Mom, haven't the homeless suffered enough?

- What does your foot odor say about your sexual prowess?

Sniffing for love, on the next sick, sad world.

- Are you sure they're going to let you bring your own

materials to the hospital?

I don't know if sick children

should be working with auto parts.

- Why not?

They're not just recuperating;

they're learning a trade.

There'll be no popsicle stick picture frames

in Jane Lane's arts and crafts class.

Tomorrow we're making voodoo dolls of the hospital staff.

- Do you think if you breathe on me

I might catch your enthusiasm?

- Hey, who knows what you'll catch.

Come on, your assignment isn't that bad.

You like reading.

How would you like it...

- You're not nervous, are you?

- No, no. I'm not.

- You'll be fine.

If it helps, picture them in their underwear while you read.

You may throw up, but at least you won't be intimidated.

You feel like taking a walk to the butcher?

This stuff would look great with a few cattle bones thrown in.

- Hello.

Oh, you must be from the high school.

Come on in.

We can always use a ray of sunshine around here.

Some of your classmates have already arrived.

- Hey, kevvy, look who's here.

- Daria.

Did you know there aren't any high school seniors here?

They're old people, and we have to read to them.

- What kind of lousy volunteer deal is that?

- I know.

- This teleconference of the fashion club

is hereby called to order.

First order of business:

When do we go clothes shopping for the homeless?

- You know, I saw this homeless guy on TV once,

and he was wearing plaid pants with a striped top.

- Ew!

Why can't he just reach inside his shopping cart

and pick out something that matches?

- Um, shouldn't we go through our own closets first

for clothes to donate?

- You mean a homeless person will be wearing my clothes?

- Uh, Quinn, are you really comfortable with that concept?

- It'll stretch our shopping budget.

The more clothes we find for free,

the more we help the homeless, right?

And the more room in our closets for new stuff.

- Yeah! - Oh, yeah.

- Shush. Very well.

But I'll review your donations

to make sure no past fashion mistakes

are inadvertently revealed to our enemies.

Later.

- Bye, guys. - Ciao.

- Hmm. No, no, no.

Maybe.

No.

Ah!

Daria, I found your jacket!

- "As his fingers trailed sensuously

"down the nape of her neck to her

"bow-dice,

"she tingled uncontrollably

"with the knowledge that tonight Jean Perrier

"would taste the fruit of the garden

from which no man had e'er picked produce before."

Oh!

- What a pretty voice she has.

Don't you think?

- Oh, yes.

She sounds just like Frances did when she was younger.

- I always did have a lovely voice.

- Thanks!

- And I looked just like you, dear.

- Eeh!

- Pow! Blam!

Kablooie!

Cool, this guy just swallowed his own teeth.

Happened to me last Friday.

Only they weren't my teeth, if you get my drift.

- Yeah.

No.

- Daria, you'll be reading to Mrs. Patterson.

I think you two will really hit it off.

- What a pretty girl.

- Oh.

- That Brittany is.

- Oh.

- Are you two friends?

No, I don't suppose you would be.

Never mind.

Let's hear what you brought to read.

- I hope you like poetry.

- Oh, yes.

My favorite birthday cards

are the ones with poems in them.

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness.

"Starving, hysterical, naked.

"Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn...

"...bang on the catatonic piano,

"the soul is innocent and immortal.

It should never die ungodly in an armed madhouse."

- Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?

- Get me my Walker.

And then hit her with it!

- I am just too cute in this.

- Forget cute.

You are adorable.

- Oh, no.

Well, yeah.

- Quinn.

I was just, uh,

shopping for the homeless.

- Um, me too.

- Stacy, are you shopping for the needy too?

- Uh, yeah.

Do you think chartreuse is a flattering color?

On the homeless, I mean?

- Oh, definitely.

- Great belly ring.

- It's between this and a nose stud.

- Personally, I'd go with an ear cuff,

but that's just me.

- No, I'd go for that too.

Especially if it looked like a little person

clinging to your ear.

Those are so cute.

- Are you girls all updating your wardrobes?

- Excuse me, we're collecting garments

for the homeless.

- Wow, that is so nice.

You know, we've got a whole sale rack that's 50% off.

- Sale rack?

- Yeah, you know, leftover stuff from last season.

- Theresa, they're homeless. They're not tasteless.

- Perhaps you just didn't select the right material, dear.

You mean like the adventures of ratboy?

- I'm sure you'll find some stories in here.

Parables of the way?

I don't suppose that means the way out.

- Now you'll be reading to Mr. Gross.

Mr. Gross, this is daria.

She's going to read to you.

Isn't that nice?

- I want...

I want...

- Yes, Mr. Gross?

- I want Brittany.

- "And with the Thorn gone from his paw,

"the lion turned to the mouse

"with tears of gratitude in his eyes.

"He said, 'thank you, Mr. Mouse.

I have a feeling we're going to become the best of friends.'"

that's not how it ended on animal maulings on home video.

- Okay, who wants Brittany to read to them next?

- Me, me!

Dear god, can you hear me?

- "Suddenly, way in the distance

"the tortoise spotted the finish line.

"Once more he said to himself

'slow and steady wins the race.'"

- Kevin, you have such a soothing voice.

Aw.

- "And the tortoise crossed the finish line first,

"to the surprise of everyone.

Everyone but the tortoise, that is."

Another story, Mr. Gross?

- Mr. Gross, what's wrong with your respirator?

- Nothing. I unplugged it.

- Don't blame me.

I didn't write this stuff.

- Damn it.

I must have left my x-acto knives in the pediatric ward.

- You're really getting into this, aren't you?

- Yeah, the kids and I are redoing all the wall murals.

The happy clowns holding balloons,

we turned them into mongol invaders wielding maces.

- Wow.

You really are making a difference in a child's life.

- How are things going at the nursing home?

- It's just like high school.

The people with the good looks and the inane bubbliness

are sought out and held up as an example.

- And to think you could have been picking old shoes

up off the highway.

- And giving them to you for your arts and crafts class.

- So what are you going to do?

- Well, what I'd like to do is quit,

but now I sort of feel like I owe these people something.

- Maybe your sister can give you some perkiness tips.

- I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of helping me.

- I wouldn't let her know she was helping me.

- Since we haven't been able to find anything good

for the homeless yet,

I've been thinking we should go door to door

for clothing donations.

- Well, we're only going to go to nice streets, right?

- Yes, we'll only hit good neighborhoods

where the people are well dressed.

- Oh, okay.

- Why would we give the homeless anything

we wouldn't want them giving us?

- Quinn, you are so smart.

- Speaking of dressing like a tramp,

did you see Brooke's new velvet top?

- No.

- I doubt it's even velvet at all.

I think it's velour. - Oh, my god.

- Crushed velour.

Which, it turns out, can't be uncrushed.

- I see you've got arts and crafts again today.

- Oh, yeah.

So how did it go observing the Princess of pleather?

- "Do I have enough product in my hair?"

- Hmm. You'll never pull it off.

- Somehow, I find that very comforting.

- Oh, daria, I'm so sorry you're not popular

at the nursing home.

I mean, I understand why you're an outcast here at school.

- Yeah, everyone understands that.

- Even you?

- Um...

- But this is really sad.

Kevin and I were talking, and we think it's your voice.

It's, like, a total bummer.

- Hey, I know what might help you.

I got kicked once during practice, and my voice...

Oh, I guess that wouldn't work on a girl.

- Well, we can't all have rich, soothing voices

like yours, Brittany.

- Wait. That's it!

I could help you!

- Eureka!

- Oh, babe. You're so thoughtful.

- Well, this week we are supposed to be

thinking of the less fortunate.

Daria, come to my house after school,

and we'll see what we can do.

This is going to be great.

I can help everyone.

- What just happened?

- You're spending the afternoon with Brittany.

- You got anything sharp in there?

- Hello.

- Um, hi.

I didn't know Brittany had an older sister.

- She does? Cool.

Maybe we can get manicures together.

- No, I mean...

If you're not her sister, then you're...

- Her stepmother.

Britty, honey, you didn't tell me you had a sister.

- Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber.

Do you recognize her?

- I think so, but it's so hard to remember

your childhood nightmares clearly.

- She was the poster model for St. Peter girl beer.

- "I'll cure what 'ales' you."

- Ooh, isn't she great?

- It's hard to believe she's real.

- Come on, I'll introduce you to my dad.

- He's not the maytag repairman, is he?

- I don't think so.

- Dad, this is my classmate, daria.

- Hey, daria.

Steve Taylor.

Always glad to meet one of britt's friends.

You like cosmetics?

I'll get you into a focus group.

The pay is a joke, but there's free lip gloss

out the yin-Yang.

Good stuff too.

They try it on cats first.

You meet my wife?

Boy, was she a knockout when she was young.

- My pom-poms!

- That's my pebble beach hat, you little turd!

Gerald Ford sold me that hat.

- Hi. How are you?

- My feet hurt.

- Stacy...

For once, try to look beyond your own petty concerns.

Today we're thinking about others, remember?

- Um, sorry, sandi.

- Spare some change?

- It's all right, Stacy.

Just try to be a little more compassionate, okay?

- Okay, so one, like, method or whatever

to make your voice sound more cheery

is to end each sentence as if you're asking a question.

'Cause then you sound, like, perky.

- "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain?"

- Hmm.

Okay. That didn't work either.

- What about that squeak you do?

What squeak?

- I can't believe the t-shirts

that shop tried to give us.

- Really.

The homeless have suffered enough.

Don't make them wear a cotton-poly blend too.

- Yeah, but maybe we should've...

- Oh, look.

Half-price hair styling.

- "Today only."

- You know, a new look

would really draw attention to our cause.

"Cheerleader tip number 12:

"If you lose your place during a routine, don't worry.

"No one's paying attention to you anyway.

They're all watching the game."

- I'm sorry, daria.

This just isn't working out.

I tried. I really tried.

But it's hopeless.

Face it, daria.

You'll never be like me.

- Guess I'll have to find a new dream.

- My feet are...

I mean, um, uh...

How do your feet feel, sandi?

- They're killing me.

Is the box full, Quinn?

- Actually, it's kind of empty.

Maybe, um, we shouldn't be so picky?

- Are you saying, Quinn,

that perhaps today's canvassing has been mishandled?

- Oh, no.

No way, sandi.

You're a donation-seeking expert.

- The best.

- Thank you.

All right, I may possibly have been a little too selective,

but it's because I was thinking of the homeless.

- Sure. - Of course.

- Absolutely.

- New policy.

From here on in, we take whatever is offered,

and we let the homeless make their own fashion choices.

- Yes, girls?

- Never mind.

- Hey, are you girls selling chocolate?

- "Her heaving bosom Rose and fell

each time Drake looked her way."

Well, what do you think?

Am I ready?

- Who would like daria to read to them?

- No! - No!

- No! - No!

- Mrs. Blaine?

Daria here is going to read to you.

Daria, this is Mrs. Blaine.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

- "Her golden skin was the color of a wheat field.

"Her lips like Rose petals,

wet with dawn's sparkling dew."

Who writes this stuff?

I mean, who's really named "Sierra"?

If you ask me, these books have nothing to do

with real emotions.

Mrs. Blaine, what do you say I read you some Byron?

Or some really graphic smut.

You're deaf, aren't you?

Okay.

Well, then, here's a story.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wasn't good

at faking enthusiasm.

She volunteered to read at a nursing home,

but everyone hated her voice.

So to humiliate her, they made her read to a deaf person.

Big joke.

And they all live miserably ever after.

- Oh, read me another, dear.

Please?

You have such a pretty voice.

- I'd like to congratulate everyone

on a very successful awareness of others week.

Our 100% participation has earned us

a special commendation from the superintendent of schools.

"Dear Ms. Li, congratulations to all the students..."

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

"Rarely does one encounter an administrator

"with your unique blend of drive and compassion.

"You are one very special educator

and a very special lady."

Oh.

"Of course, the students also..."

Et cetera, et cetera. I won't bore you.

- Too late.

- Now, let's acknowledge our most outstanding volunteers:

Mr. Thompson and Ms. Taylor.

- I'd like to dedicate this award to the senior citizens

at the better days nursing home,

who taught me a very valuable lesson:

Always wear your sunscreen.

- Yeah!

Ratboy rocks!

- Please, god, an aneurysm.

- For them or for you?

- Both.

- Now let us welcome lawndale high's fashion club,

here to present a generous donation of clothes

for the needy.

A pair of go-go boots and a belly chain?

Where's the rest?

- Um, that's it.

- They may be poor,

but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable.

- Right. - Totally.

- They may be shallow,

but that doesn't mean they should be executed.

- Yes, it does.

- Very well, I'm sold.

- I guess I won't be needing this anymore.

- Oh, yeah.

Sorry your mural got you banned from the children's ward.

- I still don't get it.

What's an old west scene without a scalping?

Go figure.

- Well, anyway, national awareness of others week

is over.

So we can all go back to being self-absorbed again.

- On that note, want to come over to my house and watch TV?

- Later. I've got something to do.

"Melody powers sighed as she began picking what was left

"of Misha out of her hair.

"She'd look into less aggressive explosives back at h.Q.

"After her rendezvous with team Algiers

"and the intriguing edouard.

"'I hope he's the strong, silent type,' she thought,

"flicking away one of Misha's molars.

'I've already had one man go to pieces on me today.'"