Original subtitles

- All right, daria, don't start your turn

till your front wheels are past the corner.

That's it.

Now accelerate as you start to straighten.

Good.

Watch out for the dog.

Watch out, daria!

- Oh, my god. Did I kill him?

I never even saw him.

I'm a dog killer.

- Look, honey.

- God, that was close.

- No harm done.

- I couldn't live with myself if I hit a dog.

Would you mind telling Quinn I killed him?

- Oh!

Didn't you see him?

He came running right up on your side of the car.

- I don't see way off to the side too well.

My glasses sort of block the view.

- I didn't know that.

Isn't that a problem?

- It is for dogs.

- When he turned up his nose at accordion lessons,

they cut off his inheritance molto allegro.

The severed pianist, next on sick, sad world.

- Enter.

- Daria?

- Correct.

- You know, I was thinking about your peripheral vision.

- That's really strange.

I was thinking about your high-frequency hearing.

- How would you feel about trying contact lenses?

- Poorly. - Why?

- Because there's nothing wrong with wearing glasses.

- But what about that dog today? - Exactly.

If he'd had his glasses on, he would have seen the damn car

and we wouldn't be having this conversation.

- Daria, I just think that your field of vision

could really be enhanced--

- come on, mom.

It's not my field of vision you want to enhance.

- What do you mean?

- We've had this conversation before.

You think if I get contacts,

I'll suddenly turn into the homecoming queen.

- Daria, give me some credit.

You can still wear your glasses.

Nobody's gonna take them away from you.

- But?

- But contacts are better for some things,

like driving or sports.

- You mean I'll finally make the wrestling team?

- Daria, you can't possibly have some ethical issue

with wearing contacts.

- How about thinking people should accept me for who I am

without my having to change?

- Right.

They should accept you for who you are:

A complex and interesting young lady worth knowing,

instead of seeing your glasses and jumping

to some moronic conclusion based on ridiculous stereotypes

and their own ignorance.

- Mmm.

Good one.

I almost killed a dog yesterday.

- Gonna work your way up to humans slowly?

- During my driving lesson.

Now my mother's bugging me about contacts again.

- Boy, she just doesn't get it, does she?

- Nope; She really doesn't.

Get what? - You.

The whole daria morgendorffer persona.

You don't care what people think about your looks.

- Of course not.

- The glasses are you.

They're symbolic of the whole daria thing.

"I wear glasses, and I'm not going to apologize for it."

Mm.

- Yeah, exactly.

Of course, you don't wear glasses,

so from your point of view, it's all theoretical.

- What?

- Pass the cookie dough.

- Caramel, plum, of course. Black is always good.

Come in.

Daria? What are you doing here?

- Nothing. Just passing by.

Saw your light on.

- What are you talking about?

- Uh, Quinn, could I ask--

- yes? A question?

A favor?

- Could I ask your opinion on something?

- What, is this a trick?

What's the catch?

Why don't you ask your friend Jane?

- Jane can't help me.

I need to speak to someone more attuned

to matters of appearance.

- You're asking my advice, aren't you?

- Quinn, please. This is hard enough.

- I always knew this day would come

and wondered how it would be,

yet now that it has, I feel strangely serene.

Sit down, daria.

I can help you.

- Who said I need help?

- Daria, if we're to make any progress at all,

you must be absolutely honest with me.

Now, when did you first begin to suspect

that your outfit sucked?

- It's not my outfit.

- OK, when did your friend first begin to suspect

that your outfit sucked?

- Suppose you were well-known for not caring

what other people think of you

and then suddenly you did something that showed

maybe you do care a little about what other people think of you.

Would that invalidate everything you'd done and said up to then

and make you a hypocrite?

- Daria, you're giving me a headache!

- What would you think if I got contacts?

- Contacts? Great!

But what color are you thinking?

Because clear ones don't call attention to themselves so much,

which maybe you want, but then who could resist

being able to change their eye color at will?

- Wait a minute.

- Blue goes with just about any outfit,

but green adds that touch of exotica

that many young women crave.

- Hang on. All I asked was--

- then, of course, you'll want to change your hair

to frame your new face, a decision unto itself.

And obviously, a new wardrobe.

- Ugh. - Daria, wait!

I know you're scared.

We'll start slow, with some scrunchies!

- Oh, that sister of mine.

She's as twisted as a corkscrew.

- Mm. - Damn siblings.

- Honestly, I think the only reason

she ever gets in touch at all

is so that she can get under my skin.

- Mm. - Damn subdermal irritants.

- I mean, listen to this note she sent when she was in Hawaii.

"Dear sis, you'd love island life:

"Beautiful sun, wonderful people,

"umbrella drinks at the kanilea.

"Only thing is, you'd have to a take a vacation.

"Oh, well, sorry I brought it up.

My love to all, Amy."

God, isn't that annoying?

- Mm. - Damn subtle barbs.

- Look at this picture of her smiling by the pool,

like she can even see the camera without her glasses.

- Aunt Amy?

- Mm.

- Hello?

- Aunt Amy? - Hey, my favorite niece.

- Oh. - Who is this?

- Um, it's--

- I'm joking, daria. How are you?

Your mother hasn't had a stroke, has she?

- Well, I haven't checked her in the last half-hour.

How was Hawaii?

- Wish I were still there.

What can I do for you?

- Um, I wanted to ask your advice about something.

I'm thinking about getting contact lenses.

- Uh-huh. Sounds good.

- It does?

- Why not?

- Well, isn't it kind of vain?

Do you have mirrors in your house, daria?

- Yeah.

- Do you look in them before you go out?

- Yeah.

- Well, then, you're already going to hell,

so you might as well get the lenses.

You'll see the brimstone better.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, having contacts is no more vain

than primping in the mirror.

It just gives you different options about the way you look.

It wouldn't change your personality,

it wouldn't change your values,

and it would set your parents back a couple hundred bucks,

so I don't see any downside at all.

- Thanks, aunt Amy.

- I'd love to see how it turns out.

Send me a picture, okay?

- You want a picture of me with my contacts?

- Either that or a shot of Ralph fiennes,

whichever.

- Daria? - Mm?

- I just want you to know that I was thinking

about our conversation the other day,

and I don't want you to believe for a second

that I think you need contact lenses.

You're beautiful inside and out no matter what,

and I understand and respect your objection to contacts,

and there'll be no more discussions about it.

Okay?

All right.

You talked me into it.

- I did?

- Mom, that reverse psychology of yours is killer.

- So let's see.

There's really nothing to worry about

other than a slight risk of epithelial edema,

possible concern over bulbar hyperemia,

the outside chance of keratoconus

and polymegathism, and the usual tiresome worries

about giant papillary conjunctivitis.

- Um, is there any chance my eyes won't fall out?

- There's no reason to expect any complications whatsoever

if you wear your lenses according to instructions

and take care of them properly.

- So if anything does go wrong, it's my fault.

- That'll be our position.

Now, show me once again how you put the lens in.

That's it.

Right up against the eyeball.

- Ahhhhh!

Ready? - Mm.

- Okay then.

Time to go. - Mm.

- You're not really much of a morning person, are you?

- Where are your glasses?

- I'm not wearing them.

- Huh?

- I got contacts.

- Hmm.

- I hope this isn't gonna change your opinion of me.

I hope you don't think I've changed or compromised

or become a shallow person who only cares about their looks,

'cause it would really bother me if you thought that.

- No, I don't think anything like that.

- Good.

- Where are your glasses?

- Okay, so now that you're more or less awake,

are you ready to tell me I've sold out?

- You look pretty cool.

- Oh, yeah?

Then what did I look like before?

- Hey, glasses, no glasses-- either way works for me.

- And you call yourself a friend.

- Now, when he shed his regal vestments

and began dressing as if he had no money,

a very funny thing happened to the prince.

What was that? Kevin?

- He became the poor guy formerly known as the prince?

- Kevin, I must say, I'm mystified

by your continuing inability to absorb anything

from this class.

- Um, is that bad?

- I'm sorry to speak so harshly, Kevin,

but I wouldn't do so if I didn't think you had

the inner strength to hear and to heed.

- Thanks!

- Brittany, how does the prince change in this story?

- He, um, he doesn't turn into a frog, does he?

Da--huh.

I wish daria were here.

- I'm here.

- Daria?

Is that you?

What happened to your glasses?

- Um, I'm wearing contact lenses.

- Good for you, daria.

What a positive gesture.

You're taking command of your appearance

and empowering yourself to carve your own identity.

- Actually, I'm not sure that I want an identity

based on appearance.

- Of course not.

The inner you, that's what's important.

I just meant that a revised outer you

is an even more confident manifestation

of the unchanged inner you, the real you:

The you-ness inside.

- I got them for driving.

- Excellent.

So why are you wearing them now?

- Class, I have some extremely disturbing news.

Someone has apparently pilfered the school's fingerprinting kit.

Ms. Morgendorffer?

- It wasn't me.

I much prefer fiber spectroanalysis.

- Did you get contact lenses?

- Um, yes.

- Well done.

- Excuse me?

- You're inviting your fellow students

to get to know you a little better.

You're dropping that standoffish persona.

Kudos!

- I got them for driving.

- Ah.

So why are you wearing them now?

- I'm really psyched, babe.

All that bench-pressing is paying off.

- Huh? - Tone, babe.

You heard what Mr. O. Said about seeing my inner strength.

- Um, babe, he was trying to say you're not getting any smarter.

- Oh. Well, am I supposed to?

- Yeah.

That's what school's for...

From a teacher's point of view.

- Oh.

- Do you think contacts reveal the you-ness inside?

- I don't know.

Who's eunice, and why doesn't she get her own body?

- Whoever she is, she must be very sad.

I can't stop tearing up.

- Daria, I like your new look.

- Um, thanks.

- Yeah, you're, like, practically normal.

- Kevin, how come you always know just what to say?

- It's a gift.

But why did you get contact lenses?

- I wanted to fit in better.

- Cool.

- I was afraid my glasses were making me too smart.

- Really?

- Yo. What's going on?

- These contacts are itching the hell out of me.

I got to take 'em out,

but I don't have my glasses here.

- Well, there's only two periods left.

Can you hold out?

- Guess I have to.

- Big crack in the sidewalk coming up.

Want to watch that.

Look out for that branch.

There's some kids coming.

Never mind. They turned the corner.

- Who's that? - It's Trent.

- Hey, daria, looks good.

- Now, watch out for the girl with the red face

who's forgotten how to walk.

Oh, never mind, that's you.

Ow.

Ugh.

No contacts today.

No glasses either.

- Hey, the contacts are back, huh?

Your eyes must be feeling better.

- Um, yeah, better.

But, um, I'm still a little blurry.

- Hey! - Sorry.

- Ow!

- Oh, uh, sorry, upchuck.

- Sweet daria, you don't have to resort to a ruse

to get into my personal space.

All you need do is ask.

- Your personal space is the final frontier, upchuck,

one where I intend never to boldly go.

- You'll be back.

They all come back.

- Name two.

- I could.

- Food-laden student at 3:00.

Boy, you weren't kidding about still being blurry.

You're walking into more people than you're walking by.

- I'm sure my vision will clear up soon.

- Well, if it doesn't work out,

you can always go out for football.

- Funny.

- Hey, now's your chance to sign up.

- Hey, daria, Jane.

Notice anything different?

- He's wearing glasses, right?

- Why, yes, he's wearing glasses,

although, ironically, he doesn't need them.

What's going on?

- Well, I got to thinking about what you said

about glasses making you smart, daria,

and, hey, you may not believe this,

but I could stand to be a little smarter,

so I got some.

- You? A little smarter?

Not possible. - Nah, nah, no.

That's what I thought too, but believe me, it is.

But you know, I don't want to be a brain or anything.

I mean, I like having friends,

so I got a pair without any lenses.

See?

So now I'll be smart but not too smart.

- Um, I'm not sure if it'll work without any lenses.

- Really? - Yeah.

Why don't you try one lens and see how that goes?

- Great idea. Thanks.

- Oh, Mr. Einstein.

- Brit really loves 'em.

Gotta go.

- I can see that, funny gal.

- How many fingers?

- I've got one for you.

- You're not wearing your contacts at all.

- Not if you want to get technical about it.

- Okay, I get that they were irritating you,

so you thought you'd give 'em a rest.

- Yeah. - But why no glasses?

- Um, sheer vanity?

- Yes, yes, very witty. Now really?

Daria!

- You hate me.

- This is great. You want to borrow my lipstick?

- Ugh.

- Hey, come on, daria, wait.

- Ow!

- Sorry.

- Daria?

Daria.

Talking toilet?

Daria's boots, can you tell me where daria is?

Come on, daria. What's the matter?

- I'm a hypocrite and a phony.

That's what's the matter.

- What are you talking about?

- You don't have to pretend.

You said it yourself.

Uncompromising and unconceited.

Well, not anymore.

- For god's sake, daria, who told you

you had to be a martyr to principle?

You're a teenage girl, not Nelson Mandela.

- He wears glasses.

- What's going on? - Oh, it's daria.

She couldn't get her contacts in today,

and she didn't want to wear her glasses,

so she's stumbling around and bumping into stuff.

- Are you okay, daria? - No.

- What'd she hurt? - Her pride.

- Thanks for respecting my confidence.

- Hey, Jodie knows what it's like.

- What what's like?

- To have standards too high to live up to.

- Don't tell me she's mad at herself

for caring how she looks.

- See? - No, actually, I can't see.

- Daria, what's wrong with admitting to a little vanity?

You're not Mother Teresa, you know.

- She wore glasses.

- No, she gave 'em to an orphan.

- Hey, what's going on? - Nothing.

- Everything's fine.

- So why are you talking to the stall?

Oh. Hi, daria.

- Hi, Brittany.

- Is she locked in or something?

- She's feeling a little alienated today.

- Alienated?

Why, daria?

It's not like you're e.T. Or somebody.

- Did he wear glasses?

- By the way, daria, I just want you to know

that I think it's really brave of you

to get those contact lenses and admit that you care

about the way you look, even just a little,

because knowing that a brain can be worried about her looks

makes me feel, um, I don't know, not so shallow or something,

like we're not that different.

Just human or whatever.

- Well, thank you, Brittany.

You're right.

We are just human or whatever.

Oof.

- That was really nice, Brittany.

- It was?

- I got to admit, that was the right thing to say.

- Wow!

These things really do work.

- So now what, eagle eye?

- Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again,

that's for sure.

And if I bang into anyone else at school,

I'll be arrested for assault,

so I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow.

- Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog.

- I tell you the truth,

this whole thing's got me very confused.

I want my glasses back.

- Are you still hung up on that vanity thing?

- That's not it.

Everyone already knows I'm vain.

- Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist.

So if not that, then what?

- This is kind of hard to explain.

It's, like, I know my glasses set me apart.

When I look in the mirror without them,

I can't see a thing, but when I put them on

and look in the mirror again, I think...

- Yeah?

- I think to myself, "never mind the glasses.

"You can see things that other people can't.

"You can see better than other people,

"so to hell with them and what they think of you

and your glasses."

- You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you?

- No.

- And you like that daria better

than the daria who cares about her looks.

- Um, yeah.

- I don't blame you.

Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism?

You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you?

- Yeah.

- That's why I'm proud to be your friend.

So no more contacts.

Your mother's gonna be disappointed.

- Well, I have all afternoon to figure out

how to break it to her.

- Hi, girls.

- Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. - Hi.

- Daria, my deposition was postponed till tomorrow,

so I thought, "why not try out those new contacts

with an unscheduled driving lesson?"

- Mom, I have something to tell you.