Original subtitles

VIC: Happy Holidays from the DMV.

The most wonderful time of the year.

Mm. And maybe, just maybe

the spirit of the season will lift

everyone up.

[both laugh]

No way.

Ah, Noa's doing okay.

I heard he and Mary broke up.

He's finally single, huh? Think our girl Colette knows?

♪ A-dashing through the snow♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh, hey, hey♪

♪ O'er the fields we go, hi♪

♪ Laughing all the way, good sirs♪

♪ Laughing all the way...♪

-I'll let her know. -COLETTE: Ha, ha, ha.

-Yeah. -Good morning. Bye!

♪ ♪

Oh, excuse me. [laughs] Hey, Colette.

-How's it going? -Hey...

No, no, no.

No sympathetic "heys," please. I'm totally fine,

-and I wish Mary well. -Oh.

-Oh, that's great. Awesome. -Yeah. Thank you.

Season's D-M-Veetings.

Who's ready for their holiday bonus?

-Me. -Yeah. Of course.

I went all Oprah and put them underneath your seat.

-Oh. -[laughs]

Mine's missing cash. It's just a photo of a death cult.

I also sent one to Ray Henderson.

The director of the California DMV.

[murmuring]

So he can open it at the DMV holiday party

at the Airport Harrington Suites Sacramento.

So you think this guy Ray is gonna put this card

on the non-denominational holiday tree?

The best branch on the best branch.

It'll be harder for Ray to shut us down

if he can put a face to the name.

That's why I named all the cows

on my uncle's farm,

so he couldn't slaughter them.

Aw, you saved them.

Till Burgerfest.

Then he made me fire a captive bolt pistol

straight to Buttercup's skull.

-Ooh. -Oh, my God.

Okay. Let's go get 'em, team. Come on.

Ho, ho, ho.

[laughs]

Oh, man. My buddy Kevin,

he just sent me a photo of a fish with two heads.

-[laughs] -You got to love that guy.

You know, my chair no longer upsets me

because my buddy Kev is working on a replacement.

Yeah.

Well, I am going to go do an exam.

-Ah. -GREGG: If the car has reindeer antlers,

I'll be back really soon.

[both laughing]

Wait, how is "Kevin" texting Gregg?

Isn't he the helpline guy that turned out to be an AI chatbot?

Because, as of a week ago, Kevin

-stopped answering the phone. -Oh.

And then Gregg got super sad

because he thought his new bestie was ghosting him.

Poor Greggy.

I know. I felt terrible,

so I did the only thing I could.

You told him Kevin's not real.

I bought a burner and started texting him as Kevin.

What's, uh, what's the endgame here?

Just pretend to be Kevin for the rest of your life?

For the rest of Gregg's life.

-Oh. -Oh, and speaking

of things that are dead, how's about Noa and Mary?

Thought you'd be straddling his cubicle by now.

No, I'm just-- We're taking it slow.

I'm gonna keep giving him driving lessons,

and just, uh, let our connection develop naturally, you know.

Mm. Great plan, if you're trying to bag

an ugly person.

Hotties like Noa and I don't last long.

Yeah, he's on the market three days tops

before the thirsties come a-slurpin'.

Vic, I wish that you would give women a little more credit.

Uh-oh.

-Window's already closing. -No, it's not. Stop.

VIC: Yup, the thirsties

have come to slurp.

♪ ♪

-Gregg, Gregg, Gregg. -Hmm?

Say you're suddenly single,

and you look like Noa, how long

-do you wait... -20 minutes.

Okay, yeah, I got-- I got to move fast.

-Mm. -'Cause we had

a real spark, Gregg.

I-I felt it, I know he felt it.

And then, if Mary

hadn't have come along,

that spark would've turned into a fire.

-Fire at a DMV? Count me in. -That's just the thing, you know.

It's really hard to get alone time

-with him here at work. -Yeah.

But if you set this place on fire...

The post office pooped in our stocking.

They sent our card back.

GREGG: Oh.

Ray Henderson was supposed to open this

during the holiday party in Sacramento.

It was the key to our whole salvation.

-Wait, how far is Sacramento? -[grunts]

Six hours by car. A lifetime by career.

Six-hour car ride.

Music. Conversation.

-Mm. -[gasps]

NOA: Great idea to drive Barb's card up.

And it's good practice for my driving test.

A-Are you sure you're free to be my licensed driver?

-I could make it work. -Okay. All right.

-Sacramento, here we come. -Where are you two going?

Without me and my famous pimento sandwiches.

Hit the gas. Hit the gas. Hit the gas. We got to go.

Well, now I can give Ray Henderson the card,

and the five of us can go to the corporate holiday party.

-Five of us? -I can't wait to see

Kevin's face when we get to Big Sac's party.

-[Colette groans] -[laughs]

VIC: Uh, but, uh,

what if he's not there? Shouldn't you text him

-to be sure? -GREGG: Oh, no. He told me last week

he's gonna moon everybody at the holiday party. [laughs]

This dude sounds hilarious. Oh, wait. [grunts]

Vic, why are you so clever?

BARB: All right, Colette, move your duff.

I got to sit in the cockpit or I get carsick something fierce.

[sighs]

COLETTE: Hey, Barb. Barbershop quartet.

Care to swap? Want to stretch those gammy gams?

Already? It's only been three hours.

Yo, Gregger.

Get any, uh, texts recently?

Like, maybe Kevin had a medical event and can't make

the DMV party? Or...

Are you crazy? Tanya tracks my phone.

I left it at the DMV.

-I'm screwed. -COLETTE: You are?

The whole point of this was to have alone time with Noa.

Now, half the DMV is in the van.

Dodo bird, we're in a van.

Going to a party.

You think paratroopers enjoy the plane ride? No.

It's when they hit the ground and start...

[grunts, imitates gunfire] ...killing people.

That's when the fun begins.

Okay, you're right.

About the party, not the killing. But, yeah,

atmosphere, drinks, we, like, dance

to the perfect song. That's how,

that's how we'll rekindle our spark.

You're gonna wear women's clothes to the party, right?

Mm?

Hey, Noa.

Would you pull over to that mall? I got to tinkle.

Sure. Exiting... Blinker. Oh, whoa!

Whoa! Oh, my God.

-It was a surprise Corolla. -Oh, my God.

-This is a long pee. -[scoffs] Women, am I right?

Waiting in line for a stall. It's, like, hello,

squat in the urinal.

Oh, wow.

♪ Wow, watch me work it out, watch me♪

♪ Break it down like♪

♪ It's what they talking 'bout♪

♪ How you like me now?♪

♪ Wow♪

♪ How you like me now?♪

-Oh. -Sorry.

-What is this mess? -COLETTE: Recover. Get up.

I'm good.

I'm good. If I'm going to

the Big Sac holiday party, I'm bringing corporate fire.

-And it's Christmas. -Oh.

BARB: We splurged.

NOA: Colette, you look so glamorous.

COLETTE: It was nothing.

There was a sale.

What? No, there wasn't.

You maxed out two credit cards 'cause you...

Go, go, Sacramento. Huh? I'm in the front.

♪ Silent night, holy night...♪

Welcome to the Sac.

♪ All is calm, all is bright...♪

Okay, team. You need to help me find Ray Henderson.

What does he look like again?

White man, 50s, graying hair.

Seems like he would stick out in a room full of executives.

Hey, anyone want a drink?

Yes. Oh, my God, yes.

Could I have a, uh, eggnog?

-Okay. Coming up. -COLETTE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The window's closing.

I'm gonna go talk to the DJ.

GREGG: Hey, Barb, you nervous?

I have bubble guts.

-Oh. -BARB: I'm gonna be shaking hands

with Ray Henderson. Paw to paw.

Well, you just need to have confidence

and a nice, firm handshake.

You want to practice what you're gonna say to him?

Uh...

Director Henderson. I'm Boob. Ah. Damn it.

-Yikes. -You seem like you got that dialed in.

I'm gonna look and see if I can find Kevin.

Not if I find him first. Uh...

Time to bring in the big dogs.

Dear Santa, I have been a very good Barb this year.

And I know I asked for a Hoverboard 3000,

but what I really want is a Hoverboard 3000

and to know where Ray Henderson is as, like, one present.

Ray Henderson?

He's the big guy over there in the suit.

BARB: Of course.

Thank you. Thank you, real Santa.

"Gurd" evening. [laughs]

Would you like to get in on the DMV charity raffle?

This year, we're "Putting the Brakes on Lupus." Ah!

Back it up, lupus.

Beep. Beep.

-[laughs] -Uh, no, I already donated.

No, you haven't. No one has.

Uh, great. Hey, do you know this guy named Kevin?

He works here.

Employee services. Really nice guy.

He loves fishing. He may have mooned everyone.

Holy night.

I think I would've remembered that.

-Do he have a last name? -Oh, uh...

-Actually, I don't know. -Let me check

my DMV directory. [imitates whirring]

Okay, I see

what's happening here. You're the directory.

-Ooh, overshot. Those are the Qs. [laughs] -Uh-oh.

You're not looking for a Quevin, are you?

-No. -Well, what's his extension?

Uh, 7576. I do remember that.

7576 is our automated helpline.

There has to be a Kevin. I talk to a Kevin.

Oh, Kevin is a AI chatbot.

But, uh, we went with a cheaper contractor,

so the voices sound different.

-[laughs] -Huh.

Theresa!

I know you want to put the brakes on lupus.

Don't your cousin got it?

How did Kevin text me?

Gregg, I found him.

ROLAND: I'm Kevin.

I have a cold if my voice sounds different to you.

Sounds good to me.

[both laughing]

No, it was a good idea to practice my driving.

Well, you know what's therapeutic after a long drive?

-Stretching your legs on, say, a dance floor. -Oh.

You and me dancing.

Yeah, why not?

-Yeah? Let's go. Let's hit it. -[grunts] Good idea.

-Yeah. [laughs] -All right.

-[exhales forcefully] -Oh.

Does my breath smell like pimento?

Just candy canes.

Good. I had ten of them.

Cleared out the mini tree.

-Ah. -Time to take a run at Ray Henderson.

Good, good. Over there somewhere. Thanks, Barb.

Ho, ho, hold on.

-[laughs] -Oh, my God.

If I guess your name, you have to donate to lupus.

-What? What? -SALLY: How about that?

No clues, no clues. I'm really good at this.

Bobby Ann. Susan.

-No. -NOA: No. -SALLY: You don't look like

-an Amanda. -No. -What's going on?

-Ruth. -Colette.

No, no. I'm Sally.

-COLETTE: Oh. -Just give me a second.

-I feel like I'm close. -COLETTE: You know what, Sally?

-I'm just gonna... Yup, yup, yeah. -Yes.

-Please find a cure. -[laughing]

Appreciate it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. [sighs]

Feliz Navidad!

Wow, Kevin. I was starting to think you didn't actually exist.

[laughs]

I'm Kevin. I like fishing,

the Dodgers, and... and

growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood.

Yeah, that's great, Kevin.

You know, the party's about to end,

aren't you gonna moon everybody?

I don't know what sick game y'all two are playing, but

it ought to pay more than 20 bucks. I'm out.

Can I get my 20 back, man?

GREGG: You knew Kevin was a computer,

and you kept it up just to mess with me.

Honestly, bro, I wasn't trying to mess with you.

You were just so happy. I didn't want that to end.

Yeah? Well, you're in luck.

'Cause I'm thrilled.

VIC: You are?

Oh, that was sarcastic.

♪ Getting cold, let's get out of the snow♪

♪ Kiss under the mistletoe♪

♪ I'm so excited♪

♪ And I know I wonder...♪

-What a beat. -Yeah.

♪ I'm wishing you a Merry Christmas♪

-Yeah. -[both laugh]

♪ Merry Christmas♪

♪ Ah, I'm wishing you a merry Christmas...♪

What's going on?

I'm sorry. E-Every time I hear "Merry Christmas,"

I just hear... I hear "Mary Christmas,"

-so, um... -Oh, yeah.

-I can't get her out of my head. -Yeah, yeah.

-Mary... -Uh, it's just that they're different words, so...

-Just think of it like that. -I think I need a minute.

COLETTE: Mm.

Should've gone with "Back That Azz Up" like the DJ suggested.

[sighs]

Director Henderson!

Barbara Berry. Manager, East Hollywood DMV.

-Oh, roast my chestnuts! -[screams]

-[people gasping] -[people screaming]

BARB: Mr. Henderson.

[Barb and Ray groaning]

[Colette exhales]

-Hey, there. -Hey.

Um, what was all that commotion?

-I heard someone ask for a chainsaw? -Oh.

Yeah, Barb delivered our card.

-Ah. -Yeah.

So you're not okay?

We-- Sorry. We don't have to talk about it.

No, no, it's just... [sighs]

-Mary pissed me off. -Oh.

Well, she casually says that

she's planning a surfing trip to Mexico.

-That's not so bad. -With her ex.

-[inhales] -For a month.

-Oof. Yikes. -Yeah.

-What'd you say? -Well, I said,

"You can do whatever you want," and...

and we haven't spoken since.

Mm.

Hey, um...

Look, I-I'm being a bummer. You go have fun.

Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you some advice

that I never seem able to take myself,

but you should tell Mary

how you feel,

or else it will...

-Mm. -...it'll eat at you.

Yeah.

Guess I could send her a text

just laying it all out. I could...

-[exhales] -You should do that.

NOA: Yeah, yeah, okay.

[grunts, sighs]

Okay. Let's do this.

"Dear Mary..."

Comma, space, space.

-"This is Noa." -Yeah, boy, she knows who you are.

-Y... Yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-So, we can, we can start again. -Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get rid of that. Oy.

Hey, man.

I'm not talking to you. Or Kevin.

-You know there's not a real... -I know.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle all the way...♪

Listen, I'm really sorry, bro.

It's just, I know how bad it sucks

to find out a relationship is fake.

I had this foster dad, Dave.

He was super cool,

and then, one day, he dumped me for these twins.

Just to get the extra caretaker check.

I mean, they were definitely an upgrade.

I broke his guitar and set the curtains on fire and stuff.

All that being said...

still hurt.

I'm sorry, man. I didn't know that.

I guess I'm not really mad at you.

I'm actually mad at the DMV.

They don't care about me.

They don't care about any of us.

They don't even care about their robots.

They probably sold Kevin for parts by now.

You really don't get what AI is, do you?

No, I don't.

Mm?

-Mmm. -Mmm.

Barkeep, you got any antacids?

♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus...♪

Don't go fishing for the lime 'cause I ate 'em all.

[laughs]

-What's your gas, sass? -Came up here

to give the director a holiday card to save our branch,

wound up tackling him into the tree.

[laughs] Been there.

[scoffs] Now, East Hollywood could be shut down

because I'm a terrible manager.

Don't worry about it.

Ray is not gonna remember that.

He gets blackout drunk every year at this party.

[grunts] You'll tarnish his image.

Girl, I am his snack queen and his e-mail machine.

Uh, aka executive assistant.

[squeals] Wait.

You work with Director Henderson?

Here? In Big Sac?

[laughs] That is the dream.

You're a manager in Hollywood.

EastHo, NoHo. Honestly,

I love all the Hos. Sally Sloan.

Barb Berry.

-Nice equipment. -[laughing]

Thank you.

It's cool you came, Barb.

Unlike the other Hos,

you put a face to the name.

♪ Makes it harder to close you down.♪

Mm.

This is a fine branch you got.

How about I take it to the bathroom

and bake it under the hand dryer,

and then, I can give it to Ray when he sobers up?

That would be amazing.

Hey, Sally, you dropped your antler hat.

Oh, thank you.

Nice rack.

I got the same set.

Well, mine's a Blitzen.

Of course, 'cause Blitzen

-does all the hard work... -Yes.

...while old red nose...

BOTH: Takes all the credit.

Oh, you are great.

-So, send? -Yeah.

-[phone whooshes] -It's a good text.

You did-- It's, like, perfect.

[laughs] Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Do I have something in my nose?

-Your no-- No, no. -[laughs]

No, you don't. I just, I think that you're...

You're...

You're great.

You know, you're...

you're Colette.

BOTH: Yeah.

♪ One, two, three, four...♪

Phone away.

You and me. Let's dance.

[gasp] Okay. Sorry.

[laughs]

["Sweet Love" by Stephen Sanchez playing]

-[laughing] -[whooping]

♪ I was afraid for so long♪

♪ Breaking hearts till the break of dawn♪

♪ Had in my hand a guitar and a song♪

♪ Then I found ya, and boy, I was so wrong♪

♪ 'Cause your sweet love♪

♪ It's got a hold on me now, yeah♪

♪ And I ain't never gonna let you go, no, no♪

♪ Your sweet love, it's got a hold on me now♪

♪ And I ain't never gonna let you go, no♪

♪ Do I need saving?♪

♪ Are you the savior sent to set me free from all♪

♪ My misbehaviors?♪

♪ Who would've guessed that I'd be...♪

[truck honking]

♪ There ain't no heaven like the weight of my heart♪

♪ Said, "Your sweet love's♪

♪ "Got a hold on me now, yeah♪

♪ And I ain't never gonna let you go."♪

After meeting Sally, I think our branch is safe.

-Mm. -As long as we don't cause any headaches.

How is 12 hours in a van

better on my back than the dumb desk chair?

Want me to karate kick you in the back?

Hmm.

GREGG: No. You know what?

-I got a better idea. -Hmm?

I'm gonna sue the DMV.

Have a nice weekend, Barb.

You too, Gregg McMuffin.

-Bye, Vickles. -See you.

I'll see you Monday.

-Yeah, I'll see you Monday. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, I was wondering, um,

when you said that you don't take your own advice

about telling people how you feel...

what did, what did you mean by that?

Okay, well, um...

NOA: It's Mary.

Hey.

-Hey, Colette. -Hey.

MARY: Sorry, um, you're still sharing your location,

-so, um... -NOA: Yeah.

MARY: I don't want to go to Mexico.

It was a plan from before we met, and I was gonna cancel,

but you didn't seem to care about it,

and then I got your text, and now I know how you feel,

so I just... I want to be with you.

[sighs] Hey.

I-I...

I want to be with you, too.

-I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. -[crying]

[Noa speaking indistinctly]

-MARY: It's okay. -NOA: Okay?

MARY: Yeah.

Hey, one second.

-Is that...? -Yeah.

Um, sorry, what were you gonna say?

[scoffs] Are you kidding? Who cares?

-Okay. Yeah. [laughs] -You got your girl back.

-Get out of here. [laughs] -NOA: All right.

NOA: I'll-I'll see you Monday.

Maybe I'll catch you at the next window.

Hey, guys, I found this in the, uh, lost and found.

Anyone up for some breakfast champagne?

Sorry, uh, breakfast,

uh, "carbonated wine product."

You do know it's 6:00 a.m.?

-Mm-hmm. -GREGG: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but

it beats going home to Tanya.

If one of us gets morning drunk,

all of us gets morning drunk.

-Yeah? -Let's pop that sucker.

COLETTE: Great.

To old friends and new beginnings.

Yes.

[strains] Nope.

[straining]

-Not in the face. -COLETTE: Ooh.

-VIC: Ooh! -GREGG: Oh!

Holy...

Mmm...

It's revolting.

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