Original subtitles

Ooh baby, I'm getting the dinger tingles, baby.

I'm feeling a long ball here.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, baby.

C'mon. Get legs! Get legs!

Dah, yo! He stinks, frickin' trade that guy.

- Whoa. - Yo, there he is.

Yo, you wanna watch the Phils with us?

- No, thanks.

Hmmm. That's weird.

Yeah, I thought Abe Lincoln was dead.

We must come together! As hard and painful as it may be-

Alright. What the hell's goin' on in here?

Oh, hey Mark. We're just role-playing.

Uh, what?

He's tutoring me in U.S. History.

Wow. My own stepson learning history from another man?

Okay. Fine. You know what?

Don't come crying to me when you flunk outta school!

Ridiculous. You better watch out, David!

I might role play as Lee Harvey Oswald!

What?

I think he means John Wilkes Booth.

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

Mark. Is something wrong?

I'm good.

Mark.

Okay fine. You know what? How are you gonna ask

Jinglebells to tutor you instead of me?!

Ridiculous.

Uh... he's got a history degree from Cornell?

Pfft! Oh, big deal, okay.

Everybody knows Ivy League schools are a joke.

Ask me any question about history. Go ahead.

Okay. Which U.S. President is featured on the $100 bill?

Uh, Ben Franklin. Pfft, easy.

Ben Franklin was actually never president.

The correct answer is none.

Uh, that's not history, Darren. That's a riddle.

How about you, answer me this: Who built the pyramids?

Uh... Egyptians?

Wrong. Aliens, bud.

Oh my God. Seriously?

Uh, yeah. But you're not gonna learn that from David

because they don't put that stuff in the books.

Hun, Darren's been struggling in history class.

David's just helping him keep up.

Uh excuse me, you know about this arrangement too, Tammy?

Wow. The betrayals are adding up here.

If you knew anything about

U.S. History, you could have called Mom 'Benedict Arnold.'

Uh, this has nothing to do with breakfast, Darren.

Oh my god.

Oh okay, yeah. Laugh it up. You guys think I'm dumb?

Nobody thinks you're dumb. - I do.

- Darren, enough. Let me tell you something,

I could have easily gone to Harvard.

I just didn't apply myself.

If I took your history class right now,

I would definitely get an A.

In fact, I bet the teacher would be asking me about history.

Uh yeah, whatever you say, Mark.

Alright, well, I guess we'll see then.

Oh, no. Is he gonna try and go

back to high school to prove a point?

- Yes. Ughhh.

[school bell]

Oh, man. This is a great idea, Mark.

I've always wanted to go back to high school

so I can finally take Advanced Wood Shop.

But uh... are you sure we're allowed to do this?

Yes, Hank. it's a Public School.

It's like the uh, library.

If you pay taxes, you can go to high school.

Man, this place hasn't changed at all.

- Stop. - Hey, what the hell is this?

You are not authorized to access this facility.

Please scan your student I.D.

Ay-- move-- Relax, Robocop.

We're just here to learn.

Failure to comply will result in

escalation to school authorities.

Alright, alright. Relax. Okay, we're leaving.

Go go go! Hank! C'mon, c'mon.

Security alert. Code 221!

Ah! Alright he got me, he-- he got me!

So, why are two grown men trying to enter my high school?

Ma'am, we're just here to learn.

If you're looking to further your education,

there are plenty of adult programs

that might be more age-appropriate.

Ah, c'mon, dude. I really need this, okay?

I gotta show my step-son, I can get an A in U.S. History.

I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna defy school policy so

you can prove a point to your step-son.

Alright. Well then I guess I gotta

sue you for age discrimination.

Alright well, those are the magic words.

Not touchin' that one.

Uh... Hello?

- Don't touch that! - Oh!

Uh... Mr. Jackson?

The wood shop is off-limits.

Oh uh... it's me, Hank Hoagies.

I was hoping to uh, take advanced wood shop

and, uh, finally learn how to use all the big tools.

You can't, the wood shop is no more.

Oh uh, sorry to hear that, uh...

Well I uh, I finally finished my uh,

birdhouse project if you wanna see it.

Hm. Impressive craftsmanship.

So, you want to take Advanced Woodshop, eh?

Uh, yeah.

Well, then.

Let's get started.

Woah! Uh, heheh.

Oh, no.

-Sup. - What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing. I'm taking ninth grade

U .S. History, bud.

Are you even allowed in school?

- Boom. - Ugh. Mark, please.

Okay, I was wrong. You're actually a genius, okay?

Uh no, Darren. That was not sincere.

I'm gonna earn your respect by acing this class.

Now if you excuse me, I'm here for school,

not socializin'.

Morning history, fam!

So uh, as you may have noticed,

We have a new student in class today.

Yeah. Let's give a warm welcome to Mark Hoagies.

So, what happened to Woodshop?

Damn Superintendent pulled our funding

for more computer classes.

Oh, that ain't right.

Woodshop was my favorite class in high school.

You know, it warms my heart to see that

someone still understands the value of craftsmanship.

Now, where was I?

Ah, yes!

Anyone can build a birdhouse, but to pass Advanced Woodshop,

you must make something much more complex...

'The Marionette.'

Oooh. Do I get to use all the tools?

Ah-bup-bup. One step at a time.

We'll start with the table saw.

Hell yeah.

Y'okie-dokie. Can anyone tell me some of the motivations behind

Andrew Jackson's Indian Removal Act?

Mmmark.

Uh, the government wanted to hide the discovery

of ancient alien technology on Native American lands?

Heh, based.

Haha, Interesting guess, but gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Uh. Anyone else? Darren.

President Jackson believed it would

open up land for white settlers.

Correctamundo.

Looks like someone did their reading last night, dawg.

Uh... heh, yessir.

Alright history fam.

Don't forget, tomorrow we've got a quizzorino,

so make sure you smash that reading tonight.

Oh hey! Mark!

I think it's pretty rad what you're doing, man.

Takes major cojones to go back to high school, you know.

Thank you, Mr. Bouchard. 'Preciate it.

Oh, c'mon. Class is over.

You can call me Jared. Been a long time, brotha. Hoo.

Wait we-- we know each other?

Yeah! We went to high school together.

Stormin' Mormon?

Uhhh. Damn dude. I didn't uh,

recognize you with the long uh... long hair.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been growing it out since the divorce.

Ooh, sorry to hear that, but it looks good, though,

It's got a real early uh... early 2000s Undertaker vibe.

Ah thanks, brotha.

Anyway, uh, let me know if you ever wanna grab

a drink and catch up outside of class.

Wait. Drinks?

I thought Mormons weren't allowed to do that.

Yeah well, you know, left the wife and that life behind.

Problem is, most of my friends were through the church.

I'm kinda in the market for some dude pals to bro down with.

- You feel me? - Uh yeah, maybe another time.

I got a uh... y'know, I got that quizzorino to study for, so...

Right on, brotha. Okay. Keep crushing it. Bang!

Hey Tam, you mind uh, turning that down?

I'm trying to study over here.

Oh. Well, it looks like you're on your phone.

Uh, no. I'm actually watching educational history videos.

Well, maybe you should, I don't know, read the textbook?

Pfft! Yeah, right.

You want me to read from some boring book when

I can just watch a 4 minute video

that sums it all up with fun animations?

Get out of here. - Hey there, Mark.

You wanna come study with us? - Uh, I'm good, Scrooge.

Okay, I don't need the Ghost of Christmas Past

comin' to teach me history.

Uh... I'm Martin Van Buren.

Martin-- what? Who the hell is that?

Alright, history fam. Most of you slayed this thing.

Nice work.

Ms. Mia. Well done.

D-money. Nice work.

Mark.

What the hell?

Hey, listen, Mark. I can recommend a great tutor.

His name's David and he's really smart.

Heheheheh.

Yeah okay, laugh it up, Darren.

Your friends know you like anime?

Uh. We all like anime.

Pfft! Yeah well, I guess this is what happens

when everybody gets a participation trophy.

Oh my God, what?

If anyone's getting a participation trophy,

it's you, Mr. C minus.

Bullying detected!

Please refrain from harassment or

I will be forced to take action.

Come on, Dar. Don't stoop to his level.

Bullying him on social media.

Everything cool over here?

Yeah, all good. What's with the T-800?

Oh, it's some new security robot.

I guess it just got some kind of Anti-Bullying upgrade.

Damn, man.

Can you imagine if we had one of those when we

went to high school? The thing would be going berserk.

We were giving each other wedgies left and right.

Totally. I still have a scar on my perineum.

So, boys, how was school?

I got a B on the history quiz. - Uh, it was B-minus.

Mark got a C-minus. - Go to your room, please.

Because you got a C-minus? - Because... you're bullying me.

- Grow up.

See this, Tam? He's been doing this non-stop.

It's very hard to focus in class when Darren is

constantly giving me crap.

Bro, you don't even read the books.

Uh. Yeah well... I can't learn using traditional methods, okay.

They're too boring for me. Ok-- I'm neuro... detergent.

- Pfft! - Darren!

Hahaha yeah, laugh it up, Darren.

ADHD is actually very common and in geniuses.

Albert Einstein, why do you think he has the crazy hair?

Because he... didn't know where his....

hairbrush was all the time, y--

Well, maybe academics isn't for you, which is fine.

Yeah, Mark. I agree.

You should stop going to my high school.

Speaking of academics, David's here.

[phone]

Hun, don't be afraid to ask the teacher for extra help.

I'm here to fill your mind, young Padawan.

Oh don't worry about that. I won't.

Yooo. There he is.

Yo, there's my guy.

What's up, dude, what do you want to drink?

Ah-da-bop-bop-bah. Man... y'know, I dunno,

this whole bar scene is sort of new to me.

Maybe a Strawberry Daiquiri?

Is that weird? Yeah, that's weird. Okay.

What about a Sex on the Beach?

Uh... Yeah. Maybe we start with a beer.

Yes. A beer. Classic. Love that idea.

So I walk in and this dude is just going to town on her, man.

I mean, it was bruuu-tal.

Ah. Sucks, man.

But it's all good. I still got my other passion: teaching.

Let me tell you, there's nothing better

than seeing those kids light

up when I blow their frickin' minds. Heh.

Well, except... maybe getting my mind blown by

that milfarino with the Richard Simmons

hair at your two o'clock. Sup.

Yeah, totally.

So listen, uh, you're looking for a wingman,

I'm looking to get an A in your class,

so... How about we, ya know, help each other out?

Ah, I feel ya. I feel ya.

Looking for a little 'extra help' from ya boi?

Ay, I'm just saying, otherwise I'm gonna have

to go home and study...

Okay. Alright. I hear that. Let's do it, brotha.

Yoo, let's gooo.

♪ [action]

Think I'm gonna call him "Baseball Boy."

This is some fine craftsmanship, Mr. Hoagies.

A-plus. Congratulations, you've passed.

Oh, wow. That's awesome!

So, uh, can I use that big tool now?

Oh... I don't know if you're ready for that one.

But you gave me an A-plus.

Listen, Hank. Beneath that tarp is a very powerful tool.

Forbidden to all but the most committed craftsman.

I mean, uh, I'm pretty committed.

I spent 15 years working on that birdhouse.

Okay, but you must understand,

once I show you its secrets, there's no going back.

Yeah, okay. I want to learn all the tools.

Well then... it's time for you to

take your craft to the next level,

to bring your creation to life!

Uh... Mr. Jackson? You okay?

Yoohoo! Up here.

Woah... uh... hi? Wait, are you?

Mr. Jackson?

Please. Call me by my puppet name:

Chippy.

Uh... Okay.

So, how was school?

It was okay.

Whoaaa. Look at you, Mark. A-plus. That's amazing!

- How'd you do, Darren? - B-plus.

That's not bad!

I mean, it's no A-plus, but hey, you know,

academics aren't for everyone, bud.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to attend my study session.

Yo, let me get two more

Pineapple Upside Down Cake shots.

Oh, wait. Make that three.

Uh nah, I'm okay uh...

I actually gotta get out of here so...

Can I get those answers?

Oh yeah, yeah. My b.

One sec, babe. Hold on.

Anyone uh... see Mr. B?

Maybe he was out late last night.

Gah, um, good morning, good morrrrning.

Blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah. Blah!

Ok, stuuds. Uh, pop quiz:

guess who got some top-notch boingo-bananas last night.

This guyyyyy.

Okay, what was I doing?

Oh yeah. Last quiz before the big kahuna.

Uh, Mr. Boosh, uh, you need a hand there, or?

Uh no, I got plenty of that last night. Hahaha.

Uh, this is a flyer for intramural basketball.

- Bro! - Oh, God.

Ohh, ow, my head, my head... Oooh...

Ah, frickin' Stormin' Mormon.

So he's in rehab?

Yep. It's ridiculous.

I mean, the guy was barely even buzzed.

Mark's just upset because now he can't cheat on the final exam.

Wow, wow. I see how it is.

I couldn't possibly be gettin' good grades because I'm smart.

Gotta be cheating, eh? Unbelievable.

I literally saw Mr. Bouchard hand you the answers at TJ's.

The other day, he winked at you after handing your test back.

C'mon, man.

Mark? Is this true?

You know what? Yeah. Yeah, it is.

He's been giving me the answers, okay?

But that is not cheating!

How is that not cheating?

I have ADHD, okay. I'm allowed extra help.

Uh, I don't know if being given the answers

qualifies as "extra help."

Well, some people study to get an A,

and others use their people skills, okay.

It's just different paths up the same mountain.

'Cause I got news for you, Darren,

in the real world, all that matters is results.

It doesn't matter how you get there.

Argh, this is pretty pathetic, Mark.

You cheated at ninth grade history.

You know what?

Now I know how Millard Fillmore must have felt

when he was abandoned by the Whigs at the 1852 Convention.

Guy signs a frickin' Compromise of 1850

just to keep the country from falling apart

and what did he get for it? No nomination!

You know why? Because it's always the visionaries

who get thrown under the bus by the same people

who should be appreciating them.

- Hey, Mark. - Oh, great.

You hear to bust my balls about cheating?

Mark, you weren't cheating.

Pfft. What are you talking about?

Bouchard was giving me all the answers.

Yeah, it's called learning. Bouchard was just tutoring you.

The "answers" you were reading were actually just study guides.

Huh. Get the hell out of here, How about that?

So I was thinking... maybe we could study together.

Wait, do you really mean that, or are you just being a bully?

Yeah. You-- you really know this stuff.

Really appreciate that, Darren. But wh-- what about David?

Honestly... I think you know the material better than him.

Plus, his costumes are becoming increasingly problematic.

So uh... you're a puppet now?

Indeed. Like wood shop, I too was dying.

I had to get out of that decrepit old flesh sack.

But... uh... how?

The Unspooler!

Whoa.

I built it myself, based on the drawings of Geppetto Lucignolo,

an 18th century puppeteering genius from Florence.

Lucignolo believed that the mind

was intricately woven, like a fine thread,

throughout our entire nervous system,

and that if you could unspool this thread,

you could transplant your soul.

Oh, wow. Pretty cool.

Pretty cool indeed.

Using this machine here, I discarded my dying body...

... for this sturdy wooden one,

free from the frailties of flesh.

So join me, Hank. And together we can live

in the wood shop, puppet friends forever.

For today you become... Baseball Boy.

Hm, yeah uh... I think maybe this tool

is a little too advanced for me.

Alright, everyone. As you may have heard,

Mr. Bouchard will be taking a leave of absence,

so we'll have a proctor over- seeing your final exam today.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. How you gonna replace

Bouchard with a frickin' security robot?

We want Mr. Bouchard back.

-Yeah! - Seriously

Yeah, well, too bad.

STU doesn't show up to class drunk.

And the best part, no tenure.

I will now distribute your exams.

Wait Scantron?

Yo, this is supposed to be essay questions.

No talking!

Psst! Mark! This isn't what we studied.

I know. I don't know any of this stuff.

This test is like a third of our grade!

Oh man, this ain't right.

Hey uh, R2D2, I think you got the wrong test here, bud.

No talking.

This test is generated by STU based on the latest textbooks.

Maybe you just didn't study.

Bullying detected.

Please refrain from harassment or

security protocols will be taken.

Ugh, this anti-bullying software is way too sensitive

They gotta fix that.

Yo, Darren. Yeah, that's right you,

you frickin' nerd!

Yeah, take that, you geek!

Mark, what the hell?

Yo, just trust me, Dar.

Severe bullying detected. Initiating security protocols.

Oh, God.

Uh, holy crap.

Mark! Run!

Aaaaaaaahhhhh!

Welp, this is gonna be a lawsuit.

Everyone, uh... test postponed.

I mean, uh-- do I have to become a marionette?

Can't we, you know, just be friends or...?

No, no, no, no.

Do you understand how lonely it is

being the only living marionette around?

Yeah, I hear you, but I think I'm going to head back, yeah.

It's too late, Hank.

I'm afraid there is no going back.

Now that you know all the tools,

you know my secret.

This school has a zero tolerance bullying policy.

You must die! You must die! You must die!

Hank? What the hell is going on in here?

Oh hey, Mark, would you mind, uh, saving me?

Woah! What the hell?

Woodshop is closed!

No computers allowed in the wood shop!

Security alert 285:

malevolent entity detected.

Initiating maximum force.

Whoa holy... Yo this is pretty nuts.

Take this!

Uh, I'm thinkin' we get the hell out of here,

what are you think? - Uh okay, yeah.

Man, I guess high school really has changed.

You can say that again.

Goodbye, old friend.

So, Mr. Bouchard. You're looking fresh.

Three months of rehab-arino will do that to you.

I guess you could say I had my own, personal

"Whiskey Rebellion."

Alright well, we're proud of you,

and the students are grateful to have you back.

Alright well, catch ya on the flip!

STU? Where have you been?

Time to bring back woodshop.