Original subtitles

```srt ♪ The Simpsons ♪

Children, you've been extra good,

so you've earned a very special field trip.

Get ready for the best day of your lives at the Waterpark…

[students cheering]

-…Museum of Late Victorian Textiles. -[students groaning]

[groans]

I saw the word "waterpark" and got too excited to read

the rest.

The entrance hall carpet is a reproduction of an original

that Mr. Waterpark saw on a trip to Utrecht.

Any guesses as to its ornamentation?

[grunts]

Anyone?

Wilton. It's a Wilton pattern.

You're the first person that's ever gotten that.

And a docent never forgets her first.

[chuckles]

[students] Ew.

Kids, you've seen the foyer.

Now let's visit the demi-foyer.

[students groan]

Well, there's only one cure for this type of boredom.

A Gilded Age home invasion.

[laughs]

Nope. Nope.

Nope.

Ugh. There's gotta be something fun in this dust dungeon.

Hmm?

-Whoa. -[♪ dramatic music plays]

Something.

Don't be afraid to feel the perforations on this Edwardian sable felt.

I'm not afraid.

Psst.

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[all] Something.

[students giggling, cheering]

I'm making it snow over the lighthouse in St. Augustine.

Snow globe fight!

[students laughing, screaming]

Hmm, this brocade.

I've never felt such a luxurious warp.

Twiddle the weft.

-[glass shattering] -[Bart]

Eat globe!

[gasps]

My charges.

[students clamoring]

[yelps]

[groaning]

This horseplay stops now.

Globes down.

-Heads-up. -Raise

my head?

Heard and understood.

[glass shatters]

[Skinner] Oh, these past weeks have been difficult.

Five eyeball surgeries. Two lid grafts.

Now I have rods, but no cones.

But I have a purpose.

Even though it's the last day before spring break,

I had to come back so I could say the words every principal dreams of saying.

You are garbage parents.

Garbage parents?

Even me?

Yes, both of you spawned

that snow-globe-hurling monster.

[both groan]

He said, "Heads-up."

And I raised my head accordingly.

[both gasp]

Please, Principal Skinner.

Bart's not a bad kid.

If only you could see my special little guy the way I do.

Come on, Marge. Bart's the

devil, and you know it. Anyway, it's your fault for taking

an amped-up psycho like that to a water park.

It wasn't a water park.

Oh, I didn't read past the first word on the permission slip.

All you parents are the same.

Take credit when your kids succeed and make excuses when they fail.

It's disgusting.

It's because of parents like you that…

[over PA] …I hate children!

[sobs]

[clears throat] Disregard. Have a nice spring break.

Mother, I'm home.

[Agnes] Dear Seymour,

I'm sorry I didn't visit you in the hospital.

Oh. No mother wants to see her son…

period.

I'm going to Atlantic City with Jasper.

It'll be a month of nonstop poker, and we might get some card playing in too.

[chuckles]

Wink, wink.

Ha!

Must be nice to be able to wink. [sighs]

Just as well.

I have a whole spring break to do what I wanna do.

[crickets chirping]

Ah. Textbook requisition forms and room temperature Mr. Pibb.

This is the high life.

-[loud clattering] -[stammers]

Who goes there?

[clattering continues]

[skittering]

That's no who.

It's a what.

[Willie] Go away. I'm about to score with my wife.

But there's a creature loose in the school.

Why didn't you say so, man?

Our Scottish Scrabble game can wait.

[♪ bagpipe music plays]

Now go kill a frightened, defenseless animal

that stumbled into the world of man.

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[thudding]

The creature.

[♪ dramatic music continues]

I'm a ghost of a kid who died long ago when kids used to die all the time.

A specter!

Those weren't dog bones I found in the sandbox!

You're no apparition. You've been living

in my library.

Living in a library?

[scoffs]

That's sick, man. How can you say that to a little kid?

Now get off my lawn.

A student holing up in the school.

How can I live this down?

A blemish like this on my permanent record.

[laughing]

What the hell is coming out of your eyes, you freak?

It's whimsical snow.

I recognize you. Your name is Hub.

You're a student here.

This blatant infraction is going directly into

your file.

Well, good luck with that, sparkle tears. I'm not in there.

You're not enrolled?

But I've seen you.

You're in Ms. Peyton's class. One of those kids that sits

in the back between Eyeglasses Girl and Bucktooth Boy

and never speaks.

Good Lord. You've been pretending to be a student

so you could live at the school.

[mocking] So you could live at the school.

Live at the school.

[garbled mocking] …school.

Where are your parents?

Where are your parents?

My mother's with Jasper, and my father's ashes are

in a bag in the upstairs sewing room.

Now come clean.

Seymour, what the devil is going on?

Look out! It's your pimp.

He's not my pimp.

I've got this, sir. I'm calling Child Services.

You do, and I will cut you like a bitch.

[gasps]

If the state learns a runaway child has been squatting here,

they'll turn this school into a Spirit Halloween store, okay?

You keep this child under your supervision

until you locate his family and return him to them.

I'm going back to bed.

The next time

I see you, you better have my money…

requisition forms for next year's textbooks.

You can tell he really values you.

Don't get comfortable. You're only here till I find

your parents.

Look, Principal Skinner, you're not going to find them.

They're dead.

Oh, my Lord. I'm so sorry.

It was horrible.

Their hot-air balloon drifted over North Korea on Kim Jong-Un's birthday

and was hit by a celebratory ICBM.

-[muffled laughter] -Outright fibbery!

Oh, my God. You are so dumb.

How did you live this long?

You don't give me respect, then you don't get any.

You are not leaving Mother's

sewing room until…

[gasps, grunts]

Give me strength, Papa.

Get back in here.

Aw. But I was gonna go out and find America.

[groans]

This was fun, but I gotta go.

You've been a great host. Five stars.

[sighs]

It's time to swallow my pride and ask for help.

[doorbell rings]

Marge, a man is here.

Principal Skinner?

Did you come to yell at us again?

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson.

I come to you hat in hand.

I've never had to deal with a child

outside the hours of 8:10 to 2:45.

I need your advice. How do I handle

this handful?

[both laughing]

You're asking us? The garbage parents?

[cackles]

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