Original subtitles

Children, you've been extra good,

so you've earned a very special field trip.

Get ready for the best day of your lives at the Waterpark...

[cheering]

...Museum of Late Victorian Textiles.

[overlapping complaining]

Aw.

I saw the word "waterpark"

and got too excited to read the rest.

[grunts]

[air hissing]

The entrance hall carpet is a reproduction of an original

that Mr. Waterpark saw on a trip to Utrecht.

Any guesses as to its ornamentation?

[grunts]

-Anyone? -Wilton. It's a Wilton pattern.

You're the first person that's ever gotten that.

And a docent never forgets her first.

[Skinner laughs]

[students] Ew!

Kids, you've seen the foyer.

Now let's visit the demi-foyer.

[students groan]

Well, there's only one cure for this type of boredom:

a Gilded Age home invasion.

[chuckling]

Nope. Nope. Nope.

[sighs] There's got to be something fun

in this dust dungeon.

Hmm?

Whoa.

Something...

Don't be afraid to feel the perforations

on this Edwardian sable felt.

I'm not afraid.

Psst.

[students] Something...

[laughter]

[excited chatter]

I'm making it snow over the lighthouse in St. Augustine.

Snow globe fight!

[overlapping shouting, cheering]

Oh, this brocade.

[chuckles] I've never felt such a luxurious warp.

Twiddle the weft.

-[student] Eat globe! -[glass shattering]

[gasps] My charges.

[overlapping cheers, laughter]

[screams]

[gasps]

This horseplay stops now.

-Globes down. -Heads up!

Raise my head? Heard and understood.

[glass shatters]

[Skinner] These past weeks have been difficult.

Five eyeball surgeries. Two lid grafts.

Now, I have rods, but no cones,

but I have a purpose.

Even though it's the last day before spring break,

I had to come back,

so I could say the words every principal

dreams of saying...

You are garbage parents.

Garbage parents?

Even me?

Yes. Both of you spawned that snow globe-hurling monster.

[Marge and Homer groan]

He said, "Heads up."

And I raised my head accordingly.

[both gasp, groan]

Please, Principal Skinner,

Bart's not a bad kid.

If only you could see my special little guy the way I do.

Come on, Marge. Bart's the devil and you know it.

Anyway, it's your fault for taking an amped-up psycho

-like that to a water park. -It wasn't a water park.

Oh. I didn't read past the first word

on the permission slip.

All you parents are the same.

Take credit when your kids succeed,

and make excuses when they fail. It's disgusting.

It's because of parents like you that

I hate children!

[crying]

Ugh. Disregard. Have a nice spring break.

Mother, I'm home.

[Agnes] Dear Seymour,

I'm sorry I didn't visit you in the hospital.

Oh, no mother wants to see her son.

Period.

I'm going to Atlantic City with Jasper.

It'll be a month of nonstop poker,

and we might get some card playing in, too. [laugh]

Wink, wink. Ha!

Must be nice to be able to wink.

[sighs] Just as well.

I have a whole spring break to do what I want to do.

Textbook requisition forms and room temperature Mr. Pibb.

This is the high life.

-[clatter] -[gasps, stammers] Who goes there?

-[louder bang] -[skittering]

That's no who. It's a what.

[Willie] Go away! I'm about to score with my wife.

But there's a creature loose in the school.

Why didn't you say so, man?

Our Scottish Scrabble game can wait.

Now, go kill a frightened, defenseless animal

that's stumbled into the world of man.

[bang]

[door opens]

The creature.

Uh, I'm a ghost... of a kid who died long ago

when kids used to die all the time.

A specter!

Those weren't dog bones I found in the sandbox!

You're no apparition.

You've been living in my library.

Living in a library?

[scoffs] That's sick, man.

How can you say that to a little kid?

Now, get off my lawn.

A student holing up in the school.

How could I live this down?

A blemish like this on my... permanent record.

What the hell is coming out of your eyes, you freak?

It's whimsical snow.

I recognize you. Your name is, uh, Hub.

You're a student here.

This blatant infraction is going directly into your file.

Well, good luck with that, sparkle tears.

I'm not in there.

You're not enrolled? But... I've seen you.

You're in Ms. Peyton's class.

One of those kids that sits in the back between Eyeglasses Girl

and Bucktooth Boy and never speaks.

Good lord. You've been pretending to be a student

so you could live at the school.

[mocking] So you could live at the school. Live at the school.

Duh dat the school.

[indistinct mumbling]

-Where are your parents? -Where are your parents?

My mother's with Jasper, and my father's ashes

are in a bag in the upstairs sewing room.

-Now, come clean. -[Chalmers] Seymour.

-What the devil is going on? -Look out, it's your pimp.

He is not my pimp. I've got this, sir.

I'm calling Child Services.

You do and I'll cut you like a bitch.

[gasps]

If the state learns

a runaway child has been squatting here,

they'll turn this school into a Spirit Halloween store. Okay?

You keep this child under your supervision

until you locate his family and return him to them.

I'm going back to bed.

The next time I see you, you better have my money...

requisition forms for next year's textbooks.

You can tell he really values you.

Don't get comfortable.

You're only here till I find your parents.

Look, Principal Skinner,

you're not going to find them. They're dead.

Oh, my Lord. I'm so sorry.

It was horrible. Their hot-air balloon

drifted over North Korea on Kim Jong Un's birthday

and was hit by a celebratory ICBM. [muffled laugh]

Outright fibbery.

[laughing] Oh, my God, you are so dumb.

How did you live this long?

You don't give me respect, then you don't get any.

You are not leaving Mother's sewing room until... [gasps]

[grunts] Give me strength, Papa.

Get back in here!

Aw, but I was gonna go out and find America.

[grunts]

This was fun, but I got to go.

You've been a great host. Five stars.

-[grunts] -[sighs]

It's time to swallow my pride and ask for help.

[doorbell rings]

Marge, a man is here.

Principal Skinner? Did you come to yell at us again?

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson...

I come to you hat in hand.

I've never had to deal with a child

outside the hours of 8:10 to 2:45.

I need your advice. How do I handle this handful?

[both laughing]

You're asking us? The "garbage parents"?

[laughs] But we spawned a monster.

[Marge and Homer laughing]

[Maggie laughs]

One day with a kid, and he's already broken.

[Marge and Homer laughing]

And now he needs our help.

Please, I'm desperate.

Oh, my God. Oh, this is so sweet.

Okay, okay. Where's the kid now?

At my house. I hired Nelson to sit.

I'm cold. Can you turn the heat up?

You're the client.

[farts]

Please, I'm at my wits' end. I need your help with Hub.

Okay. Because you begged nicely,

we'll share a couple of nuggets of parental wisdom.

Sometimes challenging kids just want to be recognized.

Find what the little miracle is interested in and encourage it.

Be a hard-ass.

Every day should be like his first day in prison

and he's all alone in the yard without a shiv.

-Flood him with hugs. -Crush his spirit.

-Give him a shoulder to cry on. -"Quit your crying."

-[Marge] Tell him he's loved. -[Homer] Tell him he's lucky to be alive.

[Marge] Nourish his creativity.

[Homer] Lock him in a dog crate.

Good Lord.

Someone could slip on this watery plastic.

Or worse, slide.

Wet orphan coming through.

-Whoa! -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Whoa...! -[screams]

-[laughs] -[grunts]

Oh, uh-oh. We meet again, Darth Tedious.

[laughs]

Give this kid a break. His parents died on the Titanic.

Good afternoon, Seymour. Here for your usual?

Oh, no, thank you, Phillip. We need to get this ragamuffin

some respectable schoolboy clothes.

Hmm... perhaps a poplin pullover

and corduroy perma-crease slacks.

[grumbles]

[Hub] � The world's most boring loser �

� Is making me dress just like him �

� His house smells like old lady pee �

� But he's so used to the smell �

� That he can't smell it. �

Will you get on with it?

[gasps]

[panting]

Hub.

[crowd gasps]

-There you are. -Aah!

[grunts]

Come out of there right now.

Make me. [gasping]

My greasy fingers... won't let me... [groans]

There's no lifeguard.

Hang on, boy. [grunts]

[gasps]

[gasping]

[coughs] You saved me.

All I've done is say mean stuff to you,

run away, and scratch up all your records

where dogs bark Christmas carols.

It's fine. Those dogs are long dead anyway.

It's not like I can go see them in concert again.

But of course I saved you. You were in danger.

Thanks, Seymour.

In all my years as a principal, I've, I've never been hugged.

I feel like I'm floating on air.

[Room 222 theme song playing]

Well, so ends the first spring break where I actually had fun.

[sighs] Well, I suppose I must resume

the hunt for your parents.

Oh, well, good luck with that.

They were on a Japanese game show

and they drowned in a giant toilet full of salmon roe.

[laughs] You and your fantastical falsehoods.

[sighs] Well, catch you later.

Time to lone wolf it again.

Returning to the background.

[indistinct crowd chatter]

Nourish his creativity.

Nope. No talent. Tone-deaf.

Dance ten, looks three.

Ooh, Principal Skinner.

Dewey, you've got one more auditionee.

I don't want to be in some stupid bunny musical.

I thought we were cool.

I went to see laser Beethoven with you.

The weird smoke there made me fall asleep.

Don't make me do this.

Be a hard-ass. Make him do it.

If you don't, I will.

I'm not giving you the choice.

You're a talented kid with untapped potential.

Now get up there and audition.

Why did I make Hub audition?

He's probably dying of embarrassment in there.

Seymour, you're a fool.

You have a master's degree in education

-but the parenting skills of a basketball. -[door opens]

I'm sorry, Hub.

Okay, I tried out,

like you said. They hated me.

For being so awesome. I'm playing Farmer McGregor.

I'm in three scenes. One with Peter Rabbit.

[gasps, sighs]

[Skinner] I did it. I'm parenting. And I'm good at it.

How do you like me now,

Spalding Dirk Nowitzki Autograph Special?

Okay, daffodils, daffodils. Spring has sprung.

Peter Rabbit comes out.

And cue Farmer McGregor.

[Southern accent] Who's been eating my carrots?

Exit McGregor. Peter Rabbit launches into his big number

"I've Been Eating the Carrots."

That's it? That's all you got for Hub?

It's not all.

He sweeps up the bandanas after the hoedown scene.

Dewey, I'm starting to think you lack the vision

to make these characters come to life.

And you could do better? Fine, here's the headset.

You want it? Take it. Take it. J-J-Just take it.

[muttering]

Well, cast, um,

who's ready to go on a ride with me

as we explore the depths of our new protagonist

Farmer McGregor?

[normal voice] Okay, so, the thing you guys don't get

about Farmer McGregor is...

he's the best actor in the world,

and you're just a bunch of dumb animals.

Now let's have fun with this.

What the hell is this [bleep]?

Farmer McGregor only has three lines,

and two of them are "Here comes Peter Rabbit." Me!

We're gonna fix that. Lisa Simpson.

I need a rewrite by third period tomorrow.

Beef up the McGregor character.

Explore his inner world.

Give Hub something worthy of his talents.

Fix the script?

I get to be every eight-year-old girl's hero,

Steven Zaillian.

Milhouse is a joy to have in the room.

He just needs to stop practicing his kissing

on female lunch box images.

You hear that, Luann? Female.

These thin-skinned parents, unable to handle

the slightest feedback about their perfect children.

[sighs] Who's next?

That would be Hub,

but his parents didn't sign up for the conference, so-

-I'll stand in for them. -Okay.

Well, I-I can get to Hub's strengths in a sec,

but I'll start with some of his stretches.

Well, that won't take long.

Yes. He used to be so quiet and unassuming,

but now that he's starring in the play,

he's become a bit of a show-off.

You're fired.

But I-I... No, no. I-I'm merely pointing out that Hub-

Is coming into his own.

He's talented. He's a supernova. What are you?

A fourth grade teacher in a failing school.

And this boy is an orphan.

His parents both had Benjamin Button disease

and died as 85-year-old babies.

That's another thing. Hub has a tendency to...

lie.

He's an actor. Actors lie for a living. That's their art.

Don't you dare say another harsh word about my... Hub.

Seymour, you are his principal, not his father.

[sighs] Of course. You're right.

You've given me a lot to think about.

Excellent, Willie. 40 down, 360 to go.

Ooh, look who's coming to town. Hub.

Eh, this is your big night. They're all here to see you.

And I am ready to bring the thunder.

Look out, theatergoers, here comes...

Holy crud.

Butterflies, eh? From Brando to Balki,

all the great ones get 'em.

Break a leg... son.

Peter Rabbit is dead.

Who will save the farm?

[all] McGregor. McGregor. McGregor. McGregor.

[confused murmuring]

That's your cue, Olivier.

Hub.

The adoption.

I spooked him.

Hub, wait, come back.

Dad.

He called me Dad. He wants me to adopt him.

Son, you just made me the happiest-

What are you doing here?

We're your parents, that's what.

Haw-haw! You thought he was running to you.

Your mother dances for coupons,

and your father has a second family he loves more than you.

[cries]

How did you find me?

Your face is on every light pole from here to Ogdenville.

I... I-I don't understand.

We don't either.

You've got some explaining to do, Alexander Hubley.

[sighs] Mom and Dad dumped me at boarding school

with a bunch of other snooty jerks

with rich parents who don't give a crap.

I couldn't take it, so I bailed and came to Springfield.

I liked it here.

And now we found you.

Yeah, well, it only took you, like, five months.

We're sorry, son. Come on, let's go home.

Eh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, due to an administrator

getting his heart broken into a million pieces,

we are canceling the play.

[audience cheers]

Yeah, I hear your cheers of disappointment,

but unfortunately we have lost our Farmer McGregor.

No, you haven't.

[audience groans]

A farmer rises with the sun,

coaxing life out of the earth

and nourishing the beasts under his dominion.

But I want to talk about one particular creature on my farm,

a wayward mouse

who had been abandoned by his rich mouse parents

at an elite boarding farm.

Wait. I didn't write any of this mouse junk.

You didn't write anything. You just ran the room.

Picking good stuff is just as hard as creating good stuff.

The mouse ran away and hid in the barn,

blending in with the other animals.

Afraid to call attention to himself.

Then a kind old mouse found him.

He shared with him the cheese of encouragement.

And with that, the mouse spread his wings and became

a magnificent Mr. Pibb-drinking butterfly.

[audience] Oh!

But now the little mouse has to leave,

and he'll never forget the kind older mouse

who believed in him, allowing him to... see more.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Your son is terrific.

[Hub's parents and Skinner] Thank you.

That's not my boy.

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Okay, guys, let's focus.

Again, how does McGregor lose the farm

at the end of the first act?

Anyone?

Anything?

How about this?

McGregor comes home.

House gone, rabbits everywhere.

And he says...?

Don't start a sentence if you don't know where it's going!

[groans] Okay, guess what.

Now we're staying late.

What do you guys want for dinner?

-Corn dogs. -Dino nuggets.

-Noodles with butter. -Tuna fish.

Pepperoni.

Now you've got pitches?

Shh!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0