Original subtitles

Oh, shit! Tony's dead.

- Dead? - Yeah. Maria found him this morning.

- Who's Maria? - Maria's his cleaner.

Fuck, how did he die?

I don't know. She said a suspected cardiac arrest.

It's so weird to think about that a few nights ago

we were making love and now...

Yeah, that is weird.

He doesn't exist.

Jesus!

Oh, that's it.

I was the last woman he made love to, ever. Shit!

How was it?

But Jarred, did you get that bereavement application I put in?

Did we?

- Did we sort out? - Yes.

- Did we? - Yes, we did,

but we couldn't give you the full three weeks that you requested.

- So, we've given you just today. - Just today?

- Yeah. - Yes.

- For the funeral. - My boyfriend's dead--

and I get a day!

Oh, please.

Three whole weeks! You only knew him a week.

The normal ratio, when you break up with someone,

it takes half of the time you were together

to get over them.

You went out for one week.

This is not a breakup.

This is a death.

How did he die?

Cardiac arrest.

Yeah.

The good die young, eh?

Oh, no, he's a bit older.

He was 73, wasn't he?

Seventy three?

You were dating a 73-year-old?

Yes, I was dating a 73-year-old

because we had a soul connection.

Yeah.

Quiz night, this Friday, so get your teams together.

I wanted to have a quick chat about a new head boy

and head girl initiative,

'cause as you know, in the past,

we've always just chosen someone

and hasn't always gone fine.

You remember Shane Dodd, the head boy last year,

who was expelled for being drunk at school.

I think what Mr. Needham is trying to say is we are going

to go for a completely different tack.

So, in the past, the teachers

and the faculty chose the head boy and head girl.

What we would like to do is go for a bit more

of a democratic approach and everyone that's keen

or has the desire and the initiative to be head boy

or head girl can pop their name on the list

and then we'll choose from that list,

which I think is quite exciting. Yes.

- So, anyone can apply? - I had my hand up first.

Just wait till we call your name.

Then you can ask your question.

- Okay. - Yeah. So keep your hand up.

Very good. Georgina.

That just feels like a little bit more work for you guys

when there could be a more obvious choice in a person.

I think what I'm probably gonna do is just look

at the list and choose someone.

It's not that much work.

Well, we're all going to consider.

The whole faculty is gonna look at all the names.

- Yes. - Yes, Marama.

- I think it's a great idea. - Oh, thanks.

And it makes things more fair actually.

I agree. I think it's an exciting opportunity.

Yes. Question.

Yeah. Thank you.

- Remember what it was that... - Just as the question.

I'm trying to ask the question.

Then go.

Yeah. But I was trying to remember what I was gonna ask.

- Do you remember? - Yes, I do.

Okay, go.

What qualities are you looking for in a lead girl or boy?

Preferably someone

who has better short term memory would be a good start.

- Okay. - Right.

That's it. Thank you.

This is gonna be up outside my door.

All right. Very good.

Thank you.

Thanks all.

Where are you off to?

I'm off to the, obviously the funeral.

You look like a great big crow in that dress.

What?

You're not wearing that to the funeral, are you?

Of course I am. What do you mean a crow?

I'm just trying to be motherly.

You don't do that.

My mother and I didn't get on at all, so it really triggers me, okay.

All right then. Point taken.

What?

I just thought you might just ask how I was.

How are you, Sheree?

- I'm not good. - Okay.

Thanks for asking.

I still got a few problems, you know.

I've got a lot of clinic appointments,

so I'm hoping that I can get a breakthrough with something.

- What's that? - It's a squat stall

that eases the bolus outta the colon really smoothly.

Anybody can use them, not just people like me.

Right.

I mean, I can lend it to you if you like.

I have no need for that.

Suit yourself.

I really think I'm just gonna get going.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay. Thanks, Sheree.

Good luck with everything.

Jarred, I just need to revisit the entire decision you made

- about shutting down my show. - Okay.

- So can we revisit that decision? - No.

What? Why not?

'Cause Megan said so.

Miss Megan's come in in her apricot suit and just twizzled around in your brain.

She has a more rational perspective on things like this,

which I don't.

Well, Jarred, if you won't revisit the idea,

then I'm gonna have to visit the idea of resigning.

I'm typing up the letter in my head as we speak.

To whom it may concern, comma...

Stop typing.

Consider this my resignation.

I won't.

I haven't sent it yet.

Don't send it.

Well, I haven't finished typing.

Because you wouldn't revisit decisions made,

I'm unhappily resigning.

Dear, Judy, I reject your resignation.

Stop typing.

Because we need a really strong,

powerful drama teacher at our school, and that's you.

Full stop.

Print.

Probably won't print.

- Why not? - Never prints.

Well, I guess we're at loggerheads then, aren't we?

I have an idea.

What?

You host the quiz night.

- Can I write the questions? - Yes.

Can I give it a theme?

Right. I'll think about it.

- Good luck. - Good luck to you, too.

Yeah.

Uh, no. No.

- No, you're not signing that. - Why not?

You're 49. I'm not having a 49-year-old head boy.

Well, I think the kids need someone to look up to,

someone with age and and experience.

Well, it won't be 49-year-old Robert, okay.

Please, Mr. Needham, I really need this.

- I don't need this. - Please!

Why do you wanna be head boy? What's the big deal?

Maya's mum's moved on, and she's met this new guy,

and he's got his life together, nice car.

I don't have any of that, and I just figured if I could be head boy,

she'd be like,

"Oh, look at Robert. He's head boy.

He's really going places." You know?

She's gonna say, "My ex-husband is a 49-year-old head boy."

It's not impressive.

You off to the funeral, are you?

Oh, no. No, I just got back.

What do you mean?

Well, I've been, and now I'm back.

I thought it just started.

You must have been there for like 15 minutes.

Well, yeah. Well, I mean like 20 minutes.

For all that connection!

Yeah. I went in there, found closure and...

- No, no. - Yeah

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No.

Okay. Can I just put one quick thing out there?

Yeah.

You're fine, if he doesn't give you any money.

- Of course, I am. - And there it is.

No.

- Yeah, the pause. - Of course!

But it would be crazy not to give me something.

What are you expecting?

Like are you wanting a cash figure?

Do you think you deserve some money from this guy?

I don't know. I think a hundred grand would be fair.

- A hundred grand? - Yeah.

What, for sex roots?

Oh, my God! I don't think of it like that.

I think of it as a transaction of love,

and you know, like generosity.

Now I've gotta go. - Yeah, me too.

See you!

Hi, Meredith. Now I've just got a little legal question.

I've been with a lovely gentleman for quite some time now,

and he has sadly passed.

Now the will hasn't been read,

but I just wanted to kind of get a gauge from you

on whether you think, you know, I may be included in

that will or whether there's any sort of claim I could make

on his estate.

Oh, well we were together for like, just under two weeks.

You know, I mean I was his last lover.

Would that be an angle? No.

I think he did propose and I said yes. I think.

It's hard to remember we'd had so much wine that night,

but I'm pretty sure we were going to get married.

So would that be something that we could...

No.

Moving on to the announcement of the two head prefects.

So you are all aware that we were looking

to choose a head boy and a head girl,

and none of you boys have your name on the list.

It was a little bit disappointing.

So, Ms. Stevenson and I have had a chat.

We're gonna go with two head girls, Georgina and Marama.

So happy about that.

I tried to hold it in for as long as possible,

and then I released it.

- And what's it called again? - Fecal transplant.

Ugh! Don't think so.

Oh, God!

Excuse me, Mr. Needham.

I'm off to hockey, but I just wanted to talk to you quickly

before I go about the head girl and the co-head girl.

And I just don't think that that's gonna work out.

- Why not? - Well, because it's gonna kill my CV.

No, it won't. You can have co-head girl-- On your CV.

No, I can't. I'm gonna be a laughing stock if I do that.

Why? Who's laughing?

My family.

Really?

Yes. They take leadership very, very seriously.

I've actually called my mom and she's ready to come in

and have a meeting with you about this.

Oh, I don't think we need to do that.

Well, I think it might be necessary.

No, no. You know what?

- Yeah, leave that with me. - Okay.

We don't need to call your mom, so don't worry about that.

Okay.

Stars of stage and screen. No costume, no entry.

Why has it got Hollywood written?

Oh, no!

- Hey, Megan! How are you? - Hi!

- Good! - Hey.

- Hey! - Hey. How are you?

Good, how are you?

Awesome!

- Great! Just... - Waiting on the photocopier?

- Yeah. - Well, just before

you do that, can I just say I would love another favor.

And thank you so much for shutting down Judy's God awful show.

Obviously, you've heard about the quiz night.

- Yes. - What we need taken out

and shut down is this horrific,

no costume, no entry sort of thing.

We don't like costumes, but we love quiz night,

we love drinking.

- Yeah. - So would you be able to sort that for us?

Well, I'm actually not going.

- Oh, really? - Why are you not going?

No. No, I'm not going.

I put you down at for our table.

- Yeah. - We're gonna be on the same table.

She probably can't fit it in.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Just leave it.

Sorry. I've got a training, a running training event.

Yeah. Fair enough.

- No, it's not a good fit for her. - Just stop it!

What? We never went for that run either.

You didn't go for the run?

No!

Did the orthotics not arrive?

My fucking foot is fine now.

Stop talking about my foot. Okay?

- If I'm going to-- - It's fine now.

Okay, but you are the one who said you've got orthotics arriving,

so you could go for a run with Megan.

It is a bit of a shame that we never went for a run.

We absolutely can.

Hey, I'll see you guys. If you could put in a great word,

and try and get that costume thing sorted.

- It would be great. - I'll come back.

- Yeah. - All right.

Yeah, come back when it fits--

- In better for you. - Yep. Yep.

What was that?

- She thinks I got a small dick. - Hey!

We had sex. I thought it was amazing.

- Yeah! - And she's like--

"Really like you, Vinnie, but it just wasn't a good fit."

- 'Ey! Give us a look! - Yeah!

It looks normal to me.

Yeah, but it...

Show us yours.

Yep!

You got a fucking fair whack a bush there, bro.

- Judy likes it. - Why?

I don't know. It's her thing.

So, Georgina spoke to me, and we've got a bit of an issue

about what We're gonna call you both,

'cause we can't call you co-head girls.

Why not? Why can't we be co-head girls?

Because she's threatening me with her mom, and her mom is full on.

So, she doesn't wanna be co-head girls.

No, she doesn't.

So, one idea I had that I thought was great

'cause I did sound very progressive was if you wanted to be head boy.

Well, that would be cool--

- If I did identify as a boy. - Yeah.

Yeah. I see what you mean.

Would you ever consider identifying as a boy?

-' Cause that would help me out. - No.

- Hey! - Hey!

What's all this?

- Yeah, I'm moving out. - Huh?

Well, my sister called and we've made up,

and she's apologized and I forgave her,

and she's invited me to move back in.

So, just thought I'd do that.

Okay. Hang on!

Hang on. Don't put that shit in there.

No, 'cause I've knotted it so...

Don't, don't. It'll stink.

No, no, it doesn't. It doesn't If you knot it, so.

Yeah, put in the wheely bin.

Sorry. So you're leaving now?

Yeah.

Oh, God! It would've been nice if you gave a heads up,

'cause normally you give someone two weeks notice.

Yeah. This is really rich coming from a homeowner.

I'm someone who is trying their hardest as a single female--

- Oh, God! - Woman.

- Don't turn it around. - Trying to get into the property market.

I said it would've been courteous for you

to let me know that you're leaving, not half an hour.

I know you're feeling a little bit pissed off now,

but just remember...

- Yeah. - It's Robyn,

it's Robyn Duffy, your best mate.

- Okay? - Okay.

I'm not leaving you in the lurch. I'm just going back to my sister's,

trying to get into the property market. Tony's dead. I'm grieving.

Okay, so, now can you help me with my bags?

I gotta get all this shit to Sarah's, and get back--

- For quiz night - Yeah.

All right.

Sit right up. Sit right up.

Who we got here them?

- Ned Kelly. - Ned Kelly. Oh, he's gonna get me.

- Put your backer back on. - Why?

'Cause you have to stay in character all night.

You already know who I am.

- I'm Ned Kelly. - But without the backer,

you just look like stupid PE teacher.

I didn't fucking think this through.

I didn't think I'd be wearing it all night.

Well, what've you come as? A skeleton?

Yeah, but what? Who?

There's loads of skeletons and films, so you have to pick...

Well just, I don't know. A Halloween one.

Okay. Hello, Skeletor!

I'll do the work.

You could have touched your hair in your...

Judy, just wanna have a drink.

You are in your work clothes.

- Yeah! - It's a costume...

- No costume, no entry. - Are you serious?

Can I speak to Judy?

Judy, are you in there?

This is ridiculous.

I thought there might be a few more, but no, it's...

Hey, hey! The old trustees.

Simon, how's it going?

- Look great. You put some effort in so. - Thanks very much. Yeah.

You look like a Roman sex slave or something.

- Are you or... - No, I don't think so, mate.

No, no. I'm a soldier.

You wanna grab one of these each.

- No, we're good. - I'm good.

- Sure? - I've got one.

- But thanks, hon. - Well, all for me.

- Take it easy. - Is that such a good idea?

Yeah, take it slow though.

Maybe use your hands or...

No, no.

- Good day, Mr. Thompson. - Oh, here you go mate.

I am Stuffy. Could I be in quiz team?

I haven't got a team to be on.

I want to play with.

- You know flags of the world? - Yeah, I think so.

Like presidents, you know, like U.S. presidents and...

- Abraham Lincoln. - Well that's one of them,

- But - Yeah.

Good day, guys!

- Hey! - Hey, Simon!

Do you dare me?

- What with? - Do you dare me?

- Say yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Okay. Yes.

I love this. He does this.

Yes!

- Yes! - Thank you.

- Hey, don't bother! - Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I've got a bottle of tequila at the car.

Party time.

- Oh, God! - All right.

All right, is that my raincoat from the car?

- Yeah, it is. - But what are you?

Hang on to that for a second. - Yeah.

Yeah. So, there you go. Fishermen.

From what film, though?

I don't know. Moby Dick.

- There you go. - Yeah, it's good.

- Yeah. - But that's a modern raincoat.

- It looks like Moby Dick to me. - You need to pop your bucket on. Okay?

'Cause it is a costume night.

- Can't drink with it on. - Quick, quick, quick. All right.

Right, let's get the show on the road.

I'm gonna sit down.

How nice it is to see you all here.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Boo boo beedo ♪

The Kennedys...

They make me take so many drugs.

All right, let's begin the quiz night, eh?

Action!

What was the name that Marilyn Monroe gave to her dog

that was gifted to her by Frank Sinatra?

It was Jack.

- Jack? - Jack me off.

Oh, Simon!

What town named Marilyn Monroe

the Artichoke Queen in 1948?

How was Marilyn Monroe feeling

in the moments leading up to her death?

A, happy. B, frightened.

C, just sort of neither here nor there.

Tick-tick-tick,

tick-tock-tick.

- You can't know the answer to that. - No.

Which brings me to my next announcement.

We have a silent auction happening tonight.

A two hour acting workshop

with Judy Mokopauwhare, yours truly.

I will be taking you through the elements.

What sort of fire are you? Where does your body lead from?

Pelvis or do you lead from your shoulders?

All right, got two pounds. I'll give you a gobby.

No one wants a gobby, mate!

It's just a possum. It's crushed outside our house.

How much would something like that cost like with the tail?

Have you bought one of these yet?

Huh?

$5 for the meat.

- Lovely bit of meat. - Yes.

Nah, I'm good.

How long has been outta the fridge?

Two to three hours tops.

That's very sweaty.

Don't poke your finger on it.

That's warm meat.

♪ Come and join the Conga ♪

♪ Come and join the Conga ♪

You're welcome!

Get outta here!

Yes, you are coming back to the second half.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to do an excerpt

for you from my latest piece of theater that I wrote.

- No. - And have devised myself.

It's a beautiful kitchen sink drama.

Judy? Judy, No!

It's my night.

- No. - And I'll do what I want.

Right, here it is.

Oh. More washing to do today.

Towel after towel.

So many towels now that baby's here.

Where have you been? It's late.

- Oh, my God! - "I've been out with the boys.

Every now and then, a man needs to hang out

with the boys just to unwind a bit."

Oh, yeah. Is that right?

These towels aren't gonna fold themselves.

"Fuck the towels! Fuck laundry!

Life can't all be about just a kid, and the Missus."

Boo!

I'm the victim. Mother, woman.

This is awful!

If you've quite had enough, sir, I'll come...

I haven't had enough. I've got three to go.

Are you daring me?

Come on! Jesus!

I'm all good.

You carry on, Judy.

Yeah. You've ruined another night.

- Take it slow. - Ruined another one.

You talentless slut!

Get your hands off me.

Judy, should we take a fucking break?

Get your fucking hands off!

He's had a couple.

He started very early.

He did start very early.

These dirty bastards are trying

to take me home for...

Come on, buddy.

Lift your feet.

You can watch blow you.

No, thank you!