Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Morning.

I told you not to smoke in the house.

I'm not, I'm at the window.

Okay, it's just everywhere. I can smell it.

Tony has a nut hanging out of your silkies, okay?

- Can you tell him to put it away? - Okay.

Just, I don't wanna see that.

See ya.

See ya.

He was just saying that you've got one of your testicles just hanging out.

Good morning, everyone.

How are you all going?

Morning.

I would like to introduce to you my new assistant, Megan.

Oh, deputy principal.

- Hi, Megan. - Hello, nice to meet you.

- Hi, Megan. - Hi.

Hey, Judy, would you sit over there? I just wanna pop Megan just here.

Oh, but this is where I sit.

- I can-- - Yeah.

Where are you gonna sit? - I'm just gonna sit in my seat but--

- Well, I-- - Can Megan just sit next to me?

Thanks, Judy.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I was just gonna say, on behalf of this staff,

I'd like to apologize and say welcome.

You wanna stand up and do a speech?

Oh, no, I won't.

I'm planning to have one-to-ones with all of you

throughout the week,

- so that would be fantastic. - What?

So, on the agenda,

we're all getting pretty sick of the students

being late to school.

We're gonna set an example.

And if we're late, you're gonna spend one hour in detention.

And I've got a number of chores that I'm gonna get you to do.

What?

For example, you'll clean the fridge,

and you're gonna clean the dishwasher.

I have a baby at home. I can't be emptying the dishwasher.

No, this is not good enough.

Jarred, we should probably concentrate as teachers

on how do we support the students that are consistently late

rather than focusing on punishing teachers

and giving teachers detention.

I think let's not go down that route.

Okay, so no teacher detention. Yeah, it's way better, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Well, Jarred,

I didn't mind your idea.

Judy, just a moment ago, you were screaming,

"Oh, no, but I've gotta get home to my baby.

It's unfair, it's unfair," so don't just do a full U-turn.

Yeah, but Jarred just did a full U-turn.

Yeah, but that's because it was his idea.

I'm sorry that I'm finding it hard to have somebody come in, take my seat,

and speak softly and reasonably to us all.

- Okay. - Okay.

Everyone, have a lovely day. Teach the kids.

Tell you what.

- Megan's, she's pretty cool, eh? - Yeah.

Oh, I love her. She's gonna be great.

- Hot. - Is she?

- Yeah. - Yeah, right.

It's weird, in the staff room meeting, it was like,

stop staring at me.

- Oh, really? I didn't see that. - Didn't you?

I felt like she was just looking at me way too much.

Oh, that's cool.

If you saw us walking down the street, like holding hands or something,

- would you be like-- - Yeah.

- Oh, that's a well-suited couple. - Well, yeah,

- I mean-- - Yeah.

Like me and Tony, like if you saw us walking down the street--

- Ah, fucking hell. - You'd be like--

If I saw you and Tony walking down the street,

I'd be like, "Oh, that's nice, he's out with his daughter."

Well, that wouldn't be correct. That would be a misassumption

because we are girlfriend and boyfriend.

Yeah, well.

But anyway, yes, Megan's great.

Fuck, Judy was pissed.

Oh, I know, but it's gonna be so much better.

- Hey. - Oh.

Hi, guys.

- Judy. - Hey.

Oh, don't stop talking for me.

- Oh, no, we're just-- - Oh, we're just,

- I'm just saying-- - Having a chat.

- What were we talking about? - Just Megan and she's--

- Oh, Megan. - Seems nice.

- Yeah. - A bit weird looking, don't you think?

- You reckon? - Yeah, creepy.

- Those eyes-- - No, I didn't feel that.

They really could, anywhere, really, like a frog, you know?

- Up, down. - I found them very normal.

North, south, east, west.

It's about Megan.

I mean, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

She gotta go.

No.

Most people walk into this building and sense the culture,

sense what this place is about, and she's just like, eh.

Like, don't you just feel it?

It's like we're all up here vibing together.

And her, she's like--

No, I don't. No, I don't think that.

No, I think if anything, she's up here like this,

and we're all down here like this,

and she's coming down and doing this.

She is toxic.

She is not right for the culture of this school.

And she looks funny.

It's a funny story.

3-It is a funny story. - It is, yeah.

- And sorry, Megan. - Yeah.

Are you, do you drive in, or are you public transport?

No, I drive.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, cool.

What type of car?

- Oh, just a hybrid. - Oh.

- Yeah. - Yeah, nice, yeah.

Do you cycle or--

I sometimes do, yeah.

Wow, that's impressive.

But obviously, I don't mind hybrid stuff too.

Yeah.

This environment.

Yes, that's exactly why. Is that why you cycle?

The environment.

Ah, nice, yeah.

Okay, guys.

I shall see you soon, and have a wonderful day.

Thank you, you too.

- Have a fantastic day. - It's going really well.

See ya.

Congratulations.

You have been hand selected for my new elite drama academy.

Yes, Georgina.

Does that mean that we'll get more credits?

Like, will this be extra that we can put on

for our credit score at the end of the year?

Give me your book, please, darling.

All right, lovely.

And go back to your seat.

This is what I'm going to say

to any more questions about credits or tests.

How does this make you feel, Georgina?

Just a bit worried about my notes.

Now, instead of the notes being the worry,

I want you to pretend that it's your husband.

Where is he, war?

Yeah.

When is he coming home?

I don't know.

Now, say it up to the gods.

I don't know when he's coming home.

I don't know when he's coming home.

I don't know when he's coming home.

Now is a great time to let you know

about the show that we will be doing.

It's going to be about a single mother struggling with the pressures of...

raising a child

and having to balance that with her work life.

So, this show is autobiographical.

Some might say it's based on a true story.

Your true story.

Maybe.

Why don't you ever help me? What are you even doing?

Good. And cut there, cut there.

So you're thinking about Mr. Harrison.

You're lazy,

no good. You're awful.

He's usually quite nice to me.

- Is he? - Yeah.

Yeah, he's great, a great guy.

Well, you try living with him, huh? Try having a baby with him.

And action.

Wah, wah!

What are you doing?

Can't you see I have a baby and a vacuum?

You know what?

I'm gonna go hang out with Vinnie at the pub.

I never wanted a baby anyway.

Wah, wah!

Good, good, good.

And magical transition into the pub scene.

And pub.

Did you see the rugby the other day?

Yeah.

Yeah, Judy was trying to get me to hold onto the baby

while I was watching it.

Robyn, go to the bar.

Get some more Chardonnay.

She's wasted.

Maybe say something like, "God, I'm wasted."

- Oh, God, I'm wasted. - Good.

Right, cut there. Thank you so much.

So Maia playing Jarred, I think you need to be shorter.

Do some research on short man syndrome.

Yes?

Is Ms. Duffy gonna be mad at me?

Why would Ms. Duffy be mad?

Because you're playing her so truthfully?

But I feel like some of the things are a bit mean.

If anyone has a problem with your portrayal,

they can come and see me.

Truth.

But it's not the truth, miss.

In the corner, statue, five minutes.

Blanket.

And statue.

If I've had a couple of coffees and like an energy drink--

Yeah.

I'll get the heart palps.

Yeah, that's good though.

I don't like the hot palps, man.

Oh, g'day.

- Hi. - Hello.

Hi, how are you?

- Hey, Megan, how are you? - Good, good, good.

- Good, how are you? - Good, good.

We're actually just talking about overdoing it on the caffeine front.

Oh.

Yeah.

- What's your poison? - Just like oat milk

- and yeah, a bit of coffee. - Oh, nice.

And, yeah.

Oat milk?

Yeah.

I've never seen you have oat milk.

He always tells me everything. I didn't know he was on oat milk.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- I don't tell you everything. - Yeah, true.

- I love oat milk. - Do you?

Yeah. I'm a runner,

- so it helps with my stomach. - Oh, wow.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm a fucking runner.

I thought you're not running anymore because of your orthotics.

I'm a good runner, man. I still run.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Yeah, you can run. - Yeah.

You're a good runner.

But yeah, I'm looking at you, I'm thinking,

I'm seeing 10Ks easy.

Yeah, yeah.

I run ultra marathons, so.

That's on a bucket list of mine, doing a marathon.

- So I'd love to pick your brain on that. - Oh, yeah, definitely, yeah.

Can you run in your orthotics though? Or do you go bare feet?

Yeah, I'll probably run in my orthotics, man.

Okay.

All right, well, better get to this meeting.

Yeah.

- Run along. - Okay.

- See you. - I'll pick your brain later.

- Yeah. - Run along.

That was a good one, eh?

What's wrong with you?

What do you mean what's--

Why bring up my fucking orthotics for?

I'm just saving you running with her.

I want to run with her.

Vinnie, I've never seen you like this.

Vinnie's got a crush.

- Imagine if you guys hooked up. - Yeah.

Like me and Judy.

Maybe in a couple of years, your kid could be like with Reynolds

and they could be on the same football team.

We could be like the dads on the sideline going,

"Go, go! Pass it, pass it!", you know?

Yeah, I don't know if I'm like, the kids and--

But we could time our second kid to be like the same time.

And then we could like change nappies together,

go shopping together.

- I know. - Go to soccer together.

- Rugby. - Yeah.

I'm gonna throw you the panda

and then you tell the panda your hopes and dreams.

Are you ready? One, two, three, catch.

Okay, so what are your hopes?

- Happiness. - Great.

And what are your dreams?

Drama, like acting.

So how are you progressing those things?

I'm in the elite drama academy.

Oh, you're in that, are you?

- Right. - Yeah.

With Whaea Judy.

Hmm, yeah.

And so what are you guys working on in the elite drama--

She has like a new play that she's working on.

Oh, God, horrific. What's that? What's the play?

I see, I see.

Judy's obviously told you not to tell anyone, right?

But for your own sake, why don't you tell the panda?

I'll just sit here and zone out, not really even listening.

- Well, just about Whaea Judy's life. - Right.

So, it's set here at the school, is it?

No, don't tell me. I don't wanna know.

Tell the panda, okay?

And who do the students play? Give me, what are the cast?

So, I play Whaea Judy,

and the other students play other teachers.

So, she's getting all of you students to play all of us teachers.

- Would that be right? - Yeah.

- Right, okay, thank you. - But not that I told--

No, no, no. No, of course not.

You told the panda. The panda told me.

Mr. Beard has been giving out credits willy-nilly

for things like texting, going to the toilet,

and even for just remembering his name.

And honestly, I think it's extremely unfair.

Yeah, okay, thank you.

Just take a breath.

I'm here now. We've caught it.

So I think that we should gather everyone and ensure that this doesn't happen,

and there are clear boxes as to what is okay for credits

and what isn't.

So, shall I just leave that punishment with you?

No one should be punished. We should just set a precedent.

If you cause damage, you get your fingers chopped off.

That's very threatening, I would say. - Yeah, it's being metaphorical.

So, her fingers aren't actually gonna be chopped off.

No one's fingers are going be chopped off.

We just need to be really clear as to what is right and what's wrong.

Sounds great to me.

Rudy, it's come to our attention that you've been giving out easy credits

for sort of bogus internal assessments.

So things like putting things in the rubbish bin,

that's showing good initiative.

Rubbing things off the whiteboard showing cleanliness of mind.

Would you like to explain what's going on?

I did my six-month polytech diploma in teacher aid

and we didn't learn,

we didn't learn anything about NCAE.

NCEA.

NCEA, NCEA.

We didn't cover it, so.

He's just the reliever, so.

And desperate to be liked,

Right, yeah, I can see that.

But it is a real issue

because we can't be dishing out bogus credits.

Yeah, and maybe you wanna say sorry.

I'm sorry that you choose to feel that way.

- Well, that's not really-- - No.

An apology, is it? But it's smart. I like that.

- You will never understand! - Shut up.

And magical transition, action.

♪ Ah ah ah ♪

- Just a friendly reminder, we have a-- - Hi, Megan.

Staff meeting next week.

I know everything.

I know everything.

Oh, my God, I'm so wasted.

No, what?

- This is offensive. - And cut there.

Sorry, if you want the show to stop, you have to say cut, take five.

Okay, cut, take five.

All right, guys, thank you so much.

- Give us a moment. - Great job.

Take five, okay?

Oh, they're doing well, just fabulous.

Mwah, mwah.

See you tomorrow, everyone.

Well done.

Why choose the worst actor to play me? If you've got a problem with me,

don't channel it through vulnerable young students.

Just come and see me in my office duty, okay?

Like, why would you invite parents in here?

'Cause they're gonna leave thinking,

A, God, that was boring.

B, God, these students aren't learning anything at school.

And C, oh, these teachers are a mess.

I think the audience are gonna leave thinking,

A, my child has grown as an actor.

B, I'm worried about the guidance counselor.

And C, this show has come from the students,

not just one teacher.

We devised it together.

And I said, "Hands up, who's come from a broken home?"

And these little hands go up.

You see, you put on a production like this

and start digging into kids' trauma,

they're lining up at my office, and I don't have time.

- You're not-- - Okay.

This play is not going ahead.

It is disrespectful to the teachers.

- Mm-hmm. - It's mocking.

- It's bad acting. - It's inappropriate.

I'm gonna advise Jarred to put his foot down

and that's the final discussion on this.

- Should I put my foot down now? - Yes, yeah.

Okay, so, yep, it's not gonna go ahead.

- Great, good chat. - Okay, all right.

Thanks everyone.

- Thanks, Megan. - Thank you.

- She's pissed off. - She is.

Hey, everyone.

Sorry to crash your Friday drinks.

I just wanted to say I've got a few photographs up.

You might have noticed them just around the walls.

Just some quite visceral responses to cage fighting.

They're for sale.

So this one over here, "Disaster".

This one's my favorite on the fridge, "The Garroting".

That one's 150.

I like that one.

This one, it's called "Oblivion".

So that one, 250.

Are you up to anything nice this weekend?

Uh--

I was gonna ask if you're free on Saturday night.

Oh

I know this great place for dinner,

so I was gonna ask if you wanted to join me.

Okay.

Uh, yeah.

- Saturday did you say? - Yes.

- But that's okay if you're busy. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- I just gotta have a look-- - Great.

- In the calendar. Can I get back to you? - Okay.

- Of course, yeah. - Yeah.

Okay, cool.

What are you doing, you idiot?

I thought you were into her.

I am into her.

Why wouldn't you go for a drink?

Well, because I don't want to go to the park

in three years with kids and see Rah pushing the swings next to each other.

She's not asking you to be a dad.

She's asking you to go and have a drink.

Just take an opportunity.

All right, okay.

- You see, you're thinking again. - Okay, all right.

Okay, all right, all right, shut up.

Hey, sorry. Sorry to interrupt. Um...

I'm keen if you're keen.

Sorry?

I checked my calendar, and I'm free as a bird.

- For this weekend? - Yeah, yeah, Saturday night.

Oh, great. I'm free, too.

What are we doing?

So, if you can get all those forms to my office

by morning tea, that'd be great.

Hey, can I just ask you about Peter?

Yeah.

Where have you been all weekend?

- So happy to see you, hey. - How was it?

- It was amazing. - Yeah?

- I had a couple drinks at her place. - Yeah.

- Meant to go out for dinner. - Yeah.

Where are we going? It's cozy here.

- Let's get some takeaway. - Nice.

Chilled out, a couple of chippies.

Do you want me to talk about all the dinner or just--

Oh, just if you had, like. intercourse or not.

Oh, my God, it was amazing. It was amazing.

- Yeah, so she was good in bed. - Best I've ever had.

- Wow. - Because it was more than just physical.

It was, like it was this chemistry, man.

- Wow. - Yeah, and I've just--

And you were happy with your performance?

- Hey, Vinnie. - Oh, here she is.

- Hi. - Hey.

Could I see you for five minutes in my office?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, no worries.

- All right. - Thanks.

- This is what I'm talking about. - Oh, my God.

Thank you.

- Thank you. - No worries. I told you.

- Knock, knock. - Hi.

- Hello. - How you going?

- Yeah, good, how are you? - Should I close this?

- Yes, please, yeah. - I think we better.

- How you going? - I'm well, how are you?

Good.

- Yeah. - A little bit tired from...

- Yeah. - Yes.

That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

Me too. I wanna talk about it, fuck yeah.

- So-- - Where it's going, sort of--

- Yes, actually. - How you feel, feelings.

- Exactly. So I feel it's-- - Yeah, can I go first?

- Sure. - Because I want,

I have to get it off my chest

'cause this has never happened to me before.

- I've never met someone like you. - Oh.

- This weekend really showed me that. - Well, I think

I should probably say what I...

What I'm feeling is that it's not a great fit between us,

so I think that that should probably be the last time.

- So do you not like me? - Oh.

Oh, no, I really like you. - Yeah.

I really do. And I'd love to be friends.

I'm sorry, I'm really, I'm just a bit confused.

- Sure. - Are we going to keep having sex?

- I'm not sure. - No.

- Absolutely not. - Not at all?

- Not at all. - Why not?

I think I've made myself clear. It just wasn't,

I just don't think we're a great fit.

Just give me one more chance.

I think let's leave it there.

- Oh, come on, one more go. - No.

This is a waste.

Break my heart, fair enough, but let's still have sex.

- No. - It's weird that you're not wanting

- to have sex with me anymore. - Right.

You liked it. I know you liked it.

- Okay. - I loved it.

Great, that's lovely feedback.

- Oh, no. - Hey, no.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. - No, just two seconds.

No, it's not a good time.

Okay, I just need to fucking unload something

- really quickly. - Okay, how long?

Two seconds, two seconds.

- Okay, two seconds. - All right, okay.

I've just have a chat with Megan. She says, "Had a great time with you.

You're a really fun guy, but I don't think you are a good fit."

Be honest. You're a woman.

If you said to a guy, "I just don't think we're a good fit,"

that's cock.

- Did she do that, or did she do that? - I saw that.

Okay, because she could easily have done,

"And I don't think we're a great fit," 'cause a lot of women will do this.

- Okay, okay. - Now it's your opportunity to share.

No, she did that, she did that.

- That's the thing. - Okay.

- And that's why I think-- - I think your brain's

- doing that thing again. - Okay.

- Can I show you? - No, no, no.

- No, because. - No, no, no, no, no.

- Look. - Oh, God!

Okay, it's...

Okay, that's enough. Please pull up your pants.

- Okay. - Your dick is fine.

Fine! That's fucking, that's not what you wanna hear.

- It's fine. It's normal range, okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Well, just have another look. - No, no, no.

It's normal-sized dick. Your sack, though, is huge.

It is fucking massive, isn't it?

- Yes. - I know.

So maybe that's it,

because comparatively, it does make your penis look small,

because it's such a huge sack, right?

Yeah.

All right, thanks for that.

- Sorry for showing you. - No, no, no, no, no.

Don't take it to heart. You win some, you lose some.

Go and kick some balls onto the field. You'll feel better.

Yeah, I might do that, actually.

- Okay? - All right.

We had a great connection, but we just weren't a good fit.

Oh, yeah, he did tell me that,

and he did do that thing that you do with your hands.

So, and just tell me,

was it his penis you were talking about or--

No, no, no.

We were talking emotionally.

- That's what I thought. - That's when I told him,

he thought it was his penis, but I said no.

But was it?

- No, it absolutely wasn't. - Right.

- But was it? - No!

We actually had quite an in-depth... I thought he understood.

- No. - Right.

So rather, it was more of a lovely connection.

- I really liked-- - This all sounds really real.

- Well, it is. - Yeah, it's great.

- It is real. - It's great.

- Yeah, so-- - Yeah.

How many guys do you do this to?

- I love that. - Oh--

Because you go in, right? You lure 'em in.

What, you have sex with them once?

- It's always just a one-off. - That's--

And then you're out.

No, that's absolutely not, malice.

I think you're great. You're an inspiration.

Why don't we go and have a drink?

Oh.

- Now? - Well, yeah.

No, but it's three o'clock.

Yeah, but the bell's gone, so.

Yeah, but I've got a lot of work to do.

I would suggest you need to dial down the work,

- maybe keep up the boning. - No.

And I think you need to up your socializing.

And what I would suggest as a good first step,

Chardonnay with Robyn.

- Just not today, so-- - Okay, so we're going drinking.

- We're having a drink, yes. - Okay, and I'll take care of Vinnie.

Don't you worry about that. I love it.