Original subtitles

Hello, everybody, and thank you for coming.

Welcome to Wise Park Christian Camp. My name is Danny.

And I'm David, I think you're close, so we don't need the, the microphone.

And welcome along, yes, I'm David,

and this is Danny, we are the camp leaders here,

and you're ready for a good time?

Yeah.

So first of all, just first aid, if you hurt yourself, which you won't,

come to one of us 'cause we know first aid, okay?

I also know first aid too, if there is anything you can come to me.

- Great. - Being on the sports field,

I see a lot of injuries, so you come to me--

Yeah, we are both fully trained first aiders as well,

- thank you for that. - Yeah.

Do you guys have a pool?

- There's no pool. - No, there is a pond.

But don't aggravate the geese, though.

Because they're just, they're a pack of psychos, basically.

Is this a safe environment, then?

This is a safe environment, it's just the geese are not.

- Yes. - Smoking?

- No smoking. - For the staff, though?

No, it's the rules for everyone.

But for like addicted smoker staff members who smoke?

- No smoking. - Just no smoking.

Well, I can't give up smoking just 'cause I'm on camp.

- Well, you should. - No smoking on the camp, please.

- Okay. - Thank you.

We couldn't say it louder, okay?

And our last and most important rule is to have fun.

Yeah. Alright, boys follow me.

- Girls with me. - Fun times, here we go!

Whoo-hoo!

Robert?

- Yeah, Carol? - What are you doing?

- Well, I was looking for an empty room. - You're on the wrong side.

This is the girls, and the guys is down there.

The boys are farting all the time.

- Yeah. - Like just--

- They do that, boys. - Constantly, yeah.

And their feet stink.

Yeah.

I'm in that place anymore, I'm not going through puberty,

- I've been through puberty. - Yeah, you've made your bed,

you've gotta lie in it, Robert.

- What makes you-- - Because you're a student

- and I'm one of the parent helpers here. - Yeah, but you can't tell me what to do.

Yeah, I actually can.

- No, you can't. - I can, Robert.

You're gonna have to lose privileges if you don't do what I say.

You can't do that to me.

Gotta do what you're told, Robert.

Okay.

Thank you.

- Hey. - Hey.

What's going on?

I'm just reading.

- We've got archery about to start in. - Ah.

- Yeah, I don't-- - So-

I don't love archery.

Well, what're you gonna do? Just read all day?

Well, yeah, I'm just trying to get a flow on.

You know when you read and you know when you stop reading

and then you have to reread the bit? I'm trying to, so I'd love to just like--

Alright, can I just stop you for a quick second?

- Yeah. - Every minute you're away,

it's pissing me off massively out there.

It's already a shit fucking camp, okay?

And now you're in here and you're having the time of your life,

I'm out there doing all the fucking work!

I'm not, okay, I'm not having the time of my life.

- This is-- - I'm up in a shit cabin,

trying to have a nice time with my book.

Yeah, I know, you're having a great time.

And why the fuck have you brought Lloyd?

Because there's no one to look after Lloyd.

I'm not gonna leave Lloyd with Sheree, am I?

He's fine, he's loving it.

- Look at him, though. - He loves camp.

Hm.

- How many coffees have you had today? - I had a couple of coffees, yeah.

Yeah, don't do that.

And I had one of those fucking guarana drinks

and it's just, it's fizzing in my neck, you know what I mean?

Yeah, that was a mistake, okay? 'Cause on one coffee you're tolerable,

on two coffees you're a nightmare.

I'm fricking, I've been stressing out

about how fucking Christian this is all gonna be.

- Prayers-- - Knock, knock, knock, knock!

- Here we go. - Hello, hello, hello, hello!

- Hello. - Room check, room check.

Even though the others are away at camp,

I thought it'd be a good time to put the painting up.

So, just to remind everybody, it's mental health awareness week.

Sorry, is that your painting?

Yeah.

You, you painted that?

Yeah. It's a self-portrait.

We're very proud of him.

I mean, I can see your perineum, you know,

people are making sandwiches there,

- it's the staff room. - You can't see my perineum.

I can't quite clearly see it.

- No, it's-- - Bring it over.

Yeah, you can't, I don't know

if you can technically see the perineum there because--

Tell you why you can't see the perineum, 'cause I didn't paint one.

I'm not trying to paint a science experiment.

Why should we censor ourselves?

I'm not having a go at the painting, I think, you know,

it's great that you're expressing yourself.

It's just that, you know, people are reheating noodles.

And you can see your, you know?

- The underside of your balls. - That's what you see, I don't see that.

I for one am quite proud of Jarred

for not only being the principal,

but also being brave enough to paint a painting

where he does have an eel coming out of his anal cavity.

And you do see the penis and the testicles.

- It's brave, yeah. - I think it's brave.

Thank you, thank you.

Alright, we're just gonna say a few things about the food, okay?

Bow your heads, everyone, alright.

Thank you Lord for giving us food.

We are eternally grateful.

We understand that the food comes from the ground

that nourishes our bodies so that we can play.

We can swim, we can pray.

Don't drink any more coffee.

We want this food in our tummies because this food is yummy, yummy, yummy.

Amen.

Okay guys, so, ax-throwing. Very fun, extremely dangerous, okay?

We don't stand in front when someone's throwing.

Okay, so here, bad, okay?

Over here, good.

So I'm gonna go off to the next activity, Frisbee golf.

So just be safe, okay?

Just be safe and have fun, alright?

Okay guys, so this is Trish.

She's an ax throwing specialist, and she's actually Sally-Ann's auntie.

Trish.

Ax throwing.

When the world collapses, this is the skill.

This is what you'll need.

Zombie apocalypse, bank crisis.

This is the weapon to bring.

You know, if your teachers are running around

and they're...

You're never safe unless you have an ax in your hands.

And the person is four meters roughly from you.

Yes.

Why does the person have to be four meters away?

Four meters is roughly one rotation.

Boom, you know, like, right here, done.

- What if they're closer? - Would you have to run back?

If they're closer, you know, just swing it.

What about a gun?

Have you stockpiled ammunition?

Right now in your home, have you got a gun?

Have you stockpiled? You're not ready.

You can be ready if you have an ax.

That was pretty close.

I'll go first.

- You got it. - Go on, Maia.

Careful.

Nice.

I really like the primal energy that came out.

- It felt good. - I can, I can tell

that that was from deep down in here.

- Alright, Robert? - Okay.

- Would you like a go? - Yes, please.

Step up.

You need to be closer, otherwise it's not going to go in.

Is this the first time you've felt testosterone in a while?

- No. No, it's not. - Are you sure?

Yeah.

Oh.

Excellent.

Fuck!

- That was really bad. - It was really bad.

- I've got this! - Nice, guys.

- I've got the wood. - Good work.

- Nice, nice. - Alright.

Well done, George.

- Here you go, Maria, take it. - Hurry up.

Maria! Now we all have to start--

No, pick that up.

Hurry up, Maria, get, ah!

- Hey, hey, ladies. - What the actual hell, Maria?

I'm scared of heights, I was elevated!

Sweetheart, sh, sh.

- People, rise above. Use your brain. - Why you should I?

Yeah, Georgina, rise above.

- Call me hysterical one more time. - You are hysterical!

You are, don't hit me.

Don't point your finger at me.

Who are you, Voldemort?

- Yeah, maybe. - Girls.

Excuse me, I am trying to read

and have a nice time on camp, okay?

You're a household dog. Ow!

Okay. Okay. Maria?

She just punched me in the tit!

Okay, Maria, this is too much. You have assaulted Georgina's breasts.

I am trying to get through a few chapters of my book!

Is that too much to ask?

Oh.

Hey.

Hey. You alright?

Yeah, yeah, I've just been trying to read,

but Maria just bloody tit chopped Georgina

so, all distracted, and what are you up to?

Oh, I follow this baby goat.

And it can't walk, its back legs are paralyzed

but they put it in like this little wheelchair.

That is cool.

Okay, now I need to feed...

Okay, where the fuck's Lloyd?

Have you seen Lloyd?

Ah, sorry, I was looking at the goat.

Okay, I've gotta go and look for Lloyd.

- Oh, I can help. I can help. - Okay, gray cat, okay?

Can you just ask around but keep it on the down low?

I'm not sure I'm meant to have Lloyd here. Lloyd?

Lloyd?

Yeah, okay, so that birth plan. Yeah, that sounds good.

- Great. - I reckon that might work.

I'll organize "Poi E" on CD so that we can play it.

Thank you.

How's everything going here?

I've been feeling for us that Ra is uncommitted.

I need you to commit fully, you know? I need you to commit to this pregnancy.

Mm-hmm.

Physically, emotionally, mentally,

spiritually, psychologically.

Can you do that?

Yes, I can.

- Okay! Wow! - Right.

- Thank you so much. - Oh my God,

such a pleasure as always

- to have you in. - So excited! Yeah.

Oh, it's coming, it's coming!

Cool, okay, team. So, rope swing. Who's excited for this?

Right, I've got our three adult spotters here.

We've got Mary, we've got Mr. Thompson, and Miss Duffy.

They're gonna be keeping an eye on you, ready for the dismount, okay?

So let's all line up in a nice orderly line

here at the front.

- Whoa. Robert. - What?

Can you just, you just pushed in, can you go to the back?

- No, I didn't. - Robert.

Don't do this, you're embarrassing me.

I'm the parent volunteer, you're the student, to the back.

- Go, Georgina. - Yep, okay.

Frankie's already up there, I'll get you the rope.

Alright, now. Sexy face.

There you go.

Go, Frankie!

- Oh, shit! - Cheese.

Oh, Jesus, Frankie.

- My neck. - You alright, mate?

He's alright. He's alright.

- Frankie? - You all good, Frankie?

You're alright, though, aren't you mate?

- My neck. - He keeps saying neck.

Well, neck, can you feel, can you feel this?

- Yeah. - Yeah, so it won't be neck

'cause he's feeling this,

you can feel your legs, eh?

Is that comfortable?

Well, you're gonna have to wear that for the next two weeks, okay?

- Can't quite understand how this happened. - I know. It is--

Because I think the rope was kind of a little bit frayed.

Yeah.

You guys were supervising, right?

- Yeah, yeah. - 100%

You were watching the whole time.

- Yes, we were. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, 100%. - Yeah.

You probably need to get that fixed.

I mean it's all, it's all falling down here.

All the stuff here is falling apart.

It's not about that, it's about this.

So I'm gonna have to go find David

and I'm gonna have to get your incident report

and you're gonna have to fill that out, okay?

Yeah. Alright.

Have a look at the ropes as you go, just as they're--

- Alright. - It's not the ropes.

- He's upset. - Did you fill out those rooms?

No, I didn't, no.

You know what, Frankie?

I think it looked a lot worse than it actually was.

I'm looking at you now and your structure's--

his structure's pretty good.

I definitely feel like it's looking better.

Just turn to me a bit, Frankie?

- Oh, look at that. - Yeah, that's nice, good mobility.

That's pretty good, you couldn't do that before.

Hey, I'm on a spinning chair.

Hang on a sec.

Yeah, there's the most movement I can get, sir.

That's better than what, you couldn't do that before.

You know, I actually wonder whether we could just lose the brace.

No.

We'll just give it a little breather, just to see how it--

Oh, that looks, that looks better.

- Have you had an accident? - Yep.

I don't think we need to tell anybody about this.

I don't think we need to bore your parents with this,

and I don't think we need to mention it to Mr. Needham, even, I think.

- No. - Could we all agree on that?

Not very happy about that.

Okay, how could we make you happier about that?

We could cut something if you want.

- What does that mean? - A deal.

- Oh, yeah? - Okay.

What do you wish for?

$50. Cash.

- Okay. Yeah, 50 bucks. - A week off school.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait a minute. No, you have to go to school,

I mean that's gonna-- that's gonna raise a red flag.

Okay, I won't participate in class, then.

Okay. Yeah.

And a pack of ciggies.

Yeah.

And a two-liter chocolate milk every day.

- Oh, for fuck's sake. - Oh, come on!

- Frankie! - You're getting out of control, mate.

Okay, yeah, that's it, though.

Okay. Off you go.

Careful of your neck.

Okay, then.

Posture, good posture, remember?

Shoulders back.

Yeah.

Jesus, you alright?

Did you eat some bad chicken or something?

No.

Your belly button's sticking out, does that hurt?

Why are you so bloated?

I'm pregnant, I'm doing a sympathetic pregnancy for Judy.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Oh, that feels nice. - Do you mind if I touch it?

No, well, actually, you can't touch it,

and then say do you mind if I touch it.

Yeah, so you've gotta ask.

Do you mind if I touch it?

Sure, Jarred, but let me grab your hand and I'll guide you.

There you go.

Oh, that's nice, baby likes you.

Baby really likes you, Jarred.

I'm feeling a bit weird 'cause I know it's not a baby.

There is a baby in there.

What do you reckon, girl or a boy?

- Boy. - Boy?

- Yeah. - Why a boy?

Well, 'cause if the female partner's dominant,

then you usually have boys.

And if the male partner's dominant, you have girls.

Might be a girl, then, eh?

Probably a boy.

Cookie monster is here!

Hash brownies. Nice one.

Nice one, thank you.

- Cheers, mate. Cheers. - Cheers.

- Yeah. - There we go.

- Pull them up, pull them up! - They did!

- Well, I was scared. - Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Guys.

Hey, oi.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, guys.

We've talked about this, we said it up top.

Pull it out, we know it's here.

We've seen you drinking, we can smell it.

We made an explicit rule, no drinking here.

Here we go.

Yeah, okay, you're gonna have to pack up the kids, and camp's over.

Serious, guys.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - David, don't.

- Pack your bags. Come on. - Pack up your stuff.

No, look, this is my serious face.

It's over.

I didn't trust them from the moment I saw them.

- Yeah, rulebreakers. - Guys.

- The moment they got off the bus-- - Guys, guys, guys, guys.

- What? - Oh my gosh.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

We said right up the top. No alcohol.

You're round the fire, you know, everyone's pissed.

- We want the fire out. - Yep.

We want the parents in bed.

- Yeah. - And we want their whole party shut down.

Yeah, and that's why we've decided actually

we're gonna pop on the billy, have a brew,

and have some home baking!

- No. No. - Yeah?

Just gonna chill everything right out.

And just have a cup of tea.

- They do look scrumptious. - Yeah. Come on.

- I do love a bit of baking. - Yeah.

Just come on back, I mean, we're just telling stories, just having a campfire.

- Okay. - Okay, okay.

- Ooh, they smell good. - Can I have two of those?

Yeah.

Ever since I was 13.

I met this girl and her name was Shelly and we locked eyes

and we started kissing each other.

Fuck off.

We got really naked, like, quite a few times

and my mum saw one time.

You're a lesbian.

You're a proper lesbo.

No, you're a proper lezzer.

- That's cool, man! - That's amazing!

Kiss Robyn!

It was about 20 centimeters.

Alright, calm down, calm down.

I'm gonna jump over the fire.

Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol!

Oh, hello, Lloyd. You came back!

Good boy.

Oh. Oh, no, this isn't good.

What have you done, Lloyd?

Oh, fuck.

Are you gonna make me a coffee?

Oh, and good news.

Hm?

Lloyd's back.

Oh, where was the little shit?

Under the bed, I found him under the bed.

But he's been out.

There's like a whole lot of white feathers and kind of, kind of wings.

- What do you mean? - A goose wing.

A goose?

Yeah, blood all around the-- Hello, ladies.

Oh, Jesus!

It was those brownies.

- Yeah, they were-- - They were strong!

Dude, they so good, I can't remember anything after I had it.

We're just gonna sit over here.

I am not feeling good.

Oh, g'day.

Ooh.

- Hello, Rachel. - Jesus.

Well, well, well, eh?

That was a bit crazy, wasn't it?

I have to go find my brother.

Have you seen David or Danny?

No.

Hm.

Oh, go, go, go, go to the toilet.

Don't do it around the kids.

Yeah.

Hey, what ended up happening with Danny?

Last thing I remember he wanted to go skinny-dipping.

You went with him, didn't you?

No, I went to bed.

Did he go down to the river?

I thought that's where you guys were going.

Did he say to you he was going down the river?

Yeah, he said he wanted to go down to the river.

He might be down there still.

Oh, no.

Danny.

Oh, shit.

Jesus, you alright, mate?

You right?

- Yeah, g'day, mate. - Hello, hello.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that,

- that would be silly, okay. - Oh my God.

- Fuck, you look shit-housed, mate. - Absolutely knackered.

Well, are you right to just get up the hill by yourself

- or do you need a hand up? - Yeah. Where's David?

- Okay, just keep it really chill. - Are you gonna have

a chuck, are you, yeah, look, here's all your shit.

Slow down, mate!

- This is a fucking nightmare. - David?

Just try and keep it on the down low.

Danny, Danny!

- Danny, keep it-- - Put your clothes on

before you go up there, bro.

- There's kids. - Okay, yeah, yeah,

I got it, I got it.

Just keep it chilled.

David!

This is gonna be a fucking nightmare of a day.

- I've got the worst headache. - David!

Good that he's not dead, though.

I can't do it today, Robyn.

I just wanna go home. Can we just-- Let's just wrap it up today.

- Mm, mm, mm. - We gotta wrap it up.

Nah, we've gotta just deal with ten minutes at a time, okay?

So for the next ten minutes, for example, we're gonna have a durry,

have a coffee.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah.

Little milestones.

And for the next ten minutes, we're just gonna chill.

David.

- No, go away. - David, yes, come out.

Sorry.

I feel disgusting.

David, I've got something very, very important to tell you.

- I think-- - Sorry.

I think that I--

- What were you saying? - I think I'm--

No, I can't.

It just, like, keeps hitting me there.

- David, I'm-- - Sorry.

I'm gay!

This baby's on its way, it's really, it's really growing now.

This, I'm actually, I'm actually finding it hard to focus.

- Just-- - What's this?

You're making fun of us?

- No, no. - You're making fun of pregnant women?

No, I'm just going through it.

I took on board our last meeting

and I just wanted to go through what she's going through.

He has been at this for the last few days.

It's called sympathy pregnancy, I don't know where he's come up with it.

Sympathetic.

I don't know, I mean, it feels like he's trying to steal my thunder.

- I'm not. - Yeah. 'Cause you know what?

And if I'm being perfectly honest with you,

I know-- Please don't, that is a medical device.

I was gonna measure.

You just want all the fun of people being like,

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

But when it comes to the nitty-gritty,

are you gonna push that out your urethra now?

No.

Now, I would like to acknowledge

that it has been a quiet morning this morning.

We didn't run the flying fox activity as per the schedule.

And I'm not gonna bore you by going into the reasons behind that.

But I would like to inform you that we have decided that this afternoon

we're gonna have some quiet time, okay?

It's a chance to center yourselves, to reflect on yesterday,

which I think was a fabulous day, I think we all agree.

Um... Yes, Georgina?

So there's gonna be no orienteering?

Correct, there will be no orienteering today. Yes.

Well, what about the group that didn't get to go kayaking yesterday?

Kayaking.

No, there will be no kayaking this afternoon.

Yes, Georgina?

Are we allowed our electronics?

Yeah. Have some screen time.

You know, we're not gonna be looking over your shoulders.

Go for a walk, not near the river.

Yes.

Are we gonna do more activities after the quiet time?

You's had a massive day yesterday, okay?

Be thankful for that.

And just stop with the questions.

Just have a sleep. Yeah?

Yeah, don't underestimate the exhaustion levels

that we're all feeling, okay?

I don't feel that tired.

Okay, you look tired, you look terrible, so...

Yes?

Miss, can you guys just admit that you got pissed last night

and you won't do it because you are too hungover?

- Didn't drink a drop last night, buddy. - Are you sure about that?

- What's happening? - Eh?

What's? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this is why we need quiet time.

If we all just chill and if you have an issue,

no, don't go running and find a teacher.

You've got your devices.

Send us an email and we'll get right on it.

Enjoy your free time and ta-ra, okay?

What happened on camp?

I ate shit.

You ate someone's shit?

Don't think we need to use the term accident.

Just a tiny little crick in the neck.

The devised theater show opens tonight.

Do you think there's gonna be anything coming out of her actual vagina?

This birth show? We're gonna have to delay it.

- What? - I'm not worried about me, I mean,

I can do anything but you know, what's Robyn gonna do?

I mean. You're gonna take those?

- Yep. - Alright.