Original subtitles

All right, so just, it's a normal cruise, but it's a...

It's a bereavement cruise.

It was a hell of a lot more expensive than the ordinary cruises.

Well, why didn't you go on a normal cruise, then?

I was hoping to meet, you know,

a sad man that had lost his wife,

you know, and be easy pickings.

Yeah, well, a single man. Oh.

Sorry. Hi. Uh...

Still waiting on those financial reports?

No, well, I'm still collating that,

might take me a few more weeks.

That's fine, you don't have to collate them.

- You can just-- - No, I do have to collate them.

Well, no.

I can't pull all that information out of the system

till I've closed it at the end of every term.

I can take everything up to the term before.

Well, what are you gonna do with it?

Audit.

I'll have to do some overtime, unpaid.

- Yep. - Again.

Okay, well, it's just as soon as you can.

It'd be great for me to...

Oh, also, I think that someone's drawn

a cock and balls on the back of my car, so I just...

- Oh. - Sorry.

Okay, that's fine, it's all right, it's all right.

Okay, cool. Thank you.

Gareth came and spoke to me yesterday and said that we were deficient

in our inter-parental communication.

Basically, 'cause we haven't done

parent-teacher interviews in, what, two years?

Two and a half.

Yeah, so he said, "Why not?"

And I said, "Didn't want to."

He said, "Please do it," so we are gonna do it.

- Oh, no. - No, man.

So that's gonna be happening Tuesday next week.

Ooh, no, not a good, no, no, not a good day for me,

'cause I've got squash.

Well, you're gonna have to cancel that.

And there's a reason we haven't been doing it,

okay, and it's 'cause the parents will come in with their attitude.

- Mm. - And it doesn't go well.

I mean, I'd say parents are the problem.

They come in, they're like, "My kids, my kid."

It's not the kid, it's you. It's like, what are you talking about?

It's never us.

Why don't we just pretend that we've done that?

No. It's gonna happen, and I've booked it in

for next Tuesday night from six till ten.

- Till ten! - Ten o'clock.

Six till ten, what are we gonna--

What sort of parents are gonna come between the nine and ten slot?

Nurses, firemen, bakers.

I cannot stay up till ten o'clock.

Well, it's gonna happen.

I'm gonna put the PDS in your cubbyholes and let's go.

That's us, as they say. Anything else you wanna chat about?

We've probably got another minute and a half or so.

Um...

I think I may have a little crush on Mr. Thompson.

You've got a crush on Mr. Thompson?

You are fucking kidding me, excuse my language.

I think it's 'cause he is so playful and childish and...

He is childish.

But the thing is, how old are you? Fourteen?

- Seventeen. - Seventeen. Okay.

So you have these, I recall from my day,

a kind of a flash of something.

Honestly, within a week, it'll completely have disappeared.

You won't even remember this conversation, all right.

It'll pass.

But thank you for sharing.

Okay.

I feel like I should share something with you. Um...

Nope, can't think of anything.

Anyway, okay, maybe next time.

Someone has been drawing cocks and balls

around the school.

It's not funny. Stop it.

The auditor is here doing his job.

Someone's drawn a cock and balls on his car.

You probably seen him around.

That's the auditor at the back there

from the Ministry of Education.

Just everyone say hi.

- No. No, no. - Hi.

Hello.

Well, someone's drawn a cock and balls on his car.

Do you wanna come and describe your car and...

Oh, no, no, no, no, thanks.

Come up the front and tell us what was on your car.

Um, no, no, I'm fine. I'm just,

hi, I'm, I'm, I'm not, I'm not here.

Okay, that's fine. So his car's right out front.

Which one's yours?

It's probably best not to draw attention to, to...

Where was it drawn on the car?

Oh, just on the windscreen and on the back.

And there was a little message.

- What did it say? - Um...

Clean this dick.

Clean this dick.

Yeah, it was clean this dick. But I don't know if it meant

"clean this, dick" or "clean this dick."

- So there's no comma? - Well, it's hard to tell

'cause it was where the windscreen wiper sits.

So the comma might've been there.

I mean, it's just a grammatical thing.

All right. Who was it?

Who drew the dick?

Now is the best time to own up.

Okay, thanks very much everybody.

Off you go.

Mr. Needham.

Oh, hello, Robert.

Do you have a minute?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come in.

I just wanted to talk to you about the parent-teacher interviews.

Mm-hmm.

Do I need to bring my parents to that?

Well, do you want to?

I don't know.

Well, they're both still alive.

Dad's had a stroke and he's a bit slow, but...

Nah, don't, don't bring them.

Okay. Do you mind if I have a biscuit, mate?

I'm just a bit hungry.

No, have one. Yeah.

Thanks, mate. Thank you.

- Hey. - Ah, Vinnie Thompson.

- How you going? - Good.

How much longer have you got here?

- 45 seconds. - Okay.

Hey, you'll never guess what I just found out.

- What? - Student's got a crush on you.

- Yeah. - Bullshit.

Yeah, I know, funny, hey.

Penny. You know Penny?

- Penny? - Yeah.

Like to about here, brown hair, she wears it kinda just down.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Yeah.

How did you find this out?

- She told me. - What do you mean, she told you?

In a session, we'd had our session, and she was like,

"Oh, yeah, I've got a crush on Mr. Thompson."

- I was like, "What, Vinnie? Why?" - Yeah.

Having a crush on you is hilarious.

What's so confusing about that?

I don't know why you're finding that so hard to believe.

Anyway, I just thought it was funny.

I probably shouldn't have mentioned it.

It's just one of those, you know, teen girl crushes--

- No, no. - Just forget about it.

Yeah, you did not get picked.

I want you guys thinking that the selectors are watching.

What was that?

Okay, yeah. Great hands.

Whoa, there's the power, Penny.

Back, back, back, back, everyone.

I want everyone to just come around and watch Penny.

Hands up, Penny.

Great. Great catch.

Okay, that hurt.

Mr. Thompson, can we all have a go?

Okay. Yeah.

Top of the square, here we go.

You ready? See your hands.

Terrible. All right, next.

- It wasn't in the square. - Life isn't in the square.

Where's Penny?

Get inside, ball. Here we go.

Go long, Mr. T.

Oh, yeah, you want me to run for it? Holy shit, I've got this.

Okay, class. Thank you. Hands up if I have not spoken to you

about wolves communication before at the school.

Okay, that's disappointing.

I will quickly, in a nutshell, explain it.

So we have three basic types of wolves.

We have the arctic wolf.

They're gonna be our future captains of industry.

The people that will go on to become doctors

or lawyers or the president, if they go to America.

Then you've got your kind of gray wolves,

or sometimes they're referred to as household wolves.

You might be something to do with the hospitality industry.

Okay, and then there's another category,

just a kind of a dog, like a wild dog.

Like, not even categorized as a wolf.

So you're probably unemployed for long periods of time.

You might be a drug user.

You might have postnatal depression

and just be at home on the couch.

Now I want you to think into your being, into your essence.

And I want you to think, which wolf am I?

And up we come.

Arctic wolf table,

gray-slash-household wolves,

and here more those feral dogs. Okay.

Hmm, now that's weird, isn't it?

Nobody here thinks they're gonna be a stay-at-home dad.

So nobody thinks they're gonna enroll in university,

drop out after six months, maybe get pregnant,

have a termination, can go on the benefit.

- No. - Frankie,

move to the dog table please.

- What? - Yep.

Okay, Maria, can you please move

to the household wolf table?

- No. - Sally Ann,

move yourself to the dog table.

Come on quickly, quickly. Maria.

Don't. Stay. I have aspirations.

What the hell, Georgina?

Oh, do not hit Georgina, please. Both of you up here right now.

We need to talk.

You're not the star pupil, reality cheek.

Why don't you shut down, Georgina?

Why don't you shut down?

Why don't you shut down? I mean respond.

Oh, my gosh, you're gonna fake cry.

Are you fake crying? Is that real?

- Is that fake? - She's fake crying right now.

Are you, sorry, are you fake crying?

Yeah, I actually was fake crying.

- Okay. You're pretty good. - I'm good at drama. Yeah.

Yeah, really good. Can you fake cry?

- No, she can't. - Shut up.

I can't.

It's that time of year again.

I would like to announce the school production.

This year is going to be called,

It's a beautiful divine show about the journey

from spirit to woman to mother.

Will there be an interval?

Period, pregnancy at an older age.

- Menopause. - God.

I will be performing in it,

playing the role of pregnant woman Judy.

Isn't it a bit weird that you're casting yourself

in the lead role of a school production

where it's meant to be about encouraging

the students to explore their creativity?

- Nope. - Okay. Sorry, just...

Art imitates life.

Have you ever heard of that?

And then it passes and then...

You're actually gonna simulate labor,

- go on stage and-- - Yes, that's what I said.

Nobody wants to--

Nobody wants to see this.

- What's wrong with me? - Okay, everyone.

Let's get to it.

Don't want to talk about it anymore.

- No. - I just--

I've made up my mind, so.

I just think as a couple,

it's a thing between two people

with a birth of a, of a, of a...

Sorry, I get very angry.

I've made up my mind, the play is going ahead.

It's a beautiful artistic expression.

It's about the journey from spirit to--

- Okay, okay, I-- - To woman to mother.

Okay, it means a lot to you.

Ten, nine, eight...

- Seven. - Seven.

Don't join me in this.

This is where it started, hey?

It's funny.

Is there a photocopier in the play?

No.

There was in the first draft. Hmm.

Hmm.

Robyn, Robyn. Do you have two seconds?

Yeah, I've got a couple.

Yeah, I won't take long.

Just so I know, what are the rules with,

like if a teacher was to like date a student,

- like what's sort of, how is that-- - You can't do that.

- No, you can't. - Not in New Zealand, no.

'Cause we didn't cover that in, you know,

teaching college in Australia.

No, people don't think that they have to cover

like not rooting students, probably,

in part of the curriculum, you know, so.

- Yeah, it happens a lot, though. - It's just, I think no,

but I think it's just common knowledge.

- Mm, mm. - Don't, don't do that.

If I were you and I'm not--

But I'd just stick

with like, be on the safe side, you know?

Yeah, no, you think I'm gonna do something like that?

I'm assuming that's why you're holding me here--

No, I'm just asking a question just so I know.

Oh, right.

Obviously there's that thing with Penny

'cause I think she's keen, but I'm not gonna go anywhere with that.

Yeah, that's not gonna go anywhere.

- No. - That's over.

Yeah, yeah, so it's 16, right?

When they're 16, that's legal then, right? Sixteen.

But if you're their teacher, you can't go anywhere near them.

I don't think it matters if it's a teacher situation.

- No, it does. - Does it?

Yeah. It really matters.

Sixteen, I think is legal in like--

- Let it go. - Okay.

- Okay. Okay. - All right.

I'm going to be a very busy lawyer.

Fuck off. Who cares?

We're the one who's gonna be locking you up.

I'll be the one that's finessing your taxpayer money.

Ooh.

And that's why you are where you are right now.

Did you tell them to be wolves

and go and fight in the playground?

No, I did not.

You're not gonna smoke that, are you?

I will eventually, but not right now, obviously.

I'd rather you didn't bring that to a meeting,

especially with Gareth being here.

Well, I'm gonna keep holding it because he's already seen it, so.

Okay.

Did you say anything about wolves before the fight?

Well, obviously, I have wolves communication.

We all know about that, it's one of my processes.

So the boys said that you said, go outside

and find who was the dominant leader of the pack.

Yes. Correct.

Why would you say that?

Because it's a exploring hierarchy.

Yes, of course, I classify the students

as certain types of wolves.

Can we just avoid all the carnivorous ones?

'Cause if you're gonna tell the students that,

one of them's got claws and teeth.

Why don't you try something like marsupials or--

- Sure. - Like mammals or something.

- Okay, I'll do that. Sure. - Or like fish.

I'll have to get a new board, though.

I'll have to get a whole new thing made up.

Yes, do that, because if you tell them

that one's a snapper and one's a gurnard,

they're not gonna fight about it.

Well, if you can create some sort of PDF for me

with all the things you don't want me to say,

absolutely, I can comply with that. Okay?

- I can do that. - Great.

Why does it have to be a PDF?

Oh that's just Jarred's preferred kind of method of communication.

PDFs are kind of his thing.

Well, that's the standard format that you print out.

But if it's printed, then it doesn't matter.

- Don't say too much. - How do you--

'Cause it will start to confuse him.

Hey, could you come in later

and show me how to do the Word document thing?

Because I honestly, I have no idea how to do--

I'm just gonna pop out, I'm gonna have a quick ciggie.

Are we done?

Yep, we're done, yep. So.

Alright. Okay.

You're not gonna finish your sentence?

I'm more interested in the PDF,

in the Word doc, to be honest.

Okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

Man, honestly, I wish you had not told me

what you told me about Penny,

because it is fucking with my head at the moment.

I don't think you can smoke in here, to be honest.

I'm just gonna have a few puffs. I'm, just a few puffs.

Just Jarred's been getting on my tits, you know.

He's called all of my practices and methodology into question,

all of my wolves, all of my different processes.

Oh, it's your wolves thing.

Put this out, sorry.

This is annoying, 'cause I was actually gonna come in and ask you

if you could tell me what wolf you thought I was.

You are an arctic wolf, for sure.

- Am I? - But you've also got

a bit of like, kind of wild feral dog.

- Yeah, I know. - In you, you know,

a bit of a mongrel. But that's the thing I like about you.

- Mongrel, that's me. - And that's what I like,

'cause I never know when it's coming, you know.

It's just respect, I just want respect, you know what I mean?

So I'll bite you to gain that respect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see, yeah, yeah, no.

Why don't you bite Jarred?

You think I should give him a little nip.

If he says to you no wolf, you go,

you bite down on him.

You mean kind've like...

Yeah, no, fucking mean it.

Yeah.

Oh.

You just wanna show a bit.

Like that?

You look really like fucking like scary

and unattractive when you do it.

Oh, so if I'm more like...

That's hot. Snap, save that for later.

- Do you wanna have a drink later? - I'd love to have a drink later.

- Let's do that. - Yeah.

I'm feeling better, you know?

- Yeah, yeah. - Fuck this.

Fuck tomorrow.

Fucking midweek fucking madness. Let's party.

What, have you printed any,

what's the last thing you printed?

I tried to print the art schedule,

but I printed a shopping list by mistake.

How can you even know which things go out.

You pick one and you send it and it...

What was on the screen when you pressed print?

Well, it printed, that's all I know.

Yeah, but if it was your shopping list

and you pressed print,

did that come out of the printer?

Well, I printed, I pressed print on something,

and then the shopping list came out.

Which is good 'cause I needed that anyway.

I can like take it around the supermarket,

which I did.

If it's all right with you,

I wouldn't mind sort of hitting it hard at home,

- just to save on cash. - Oh, yeah, no, I'm, I'm totally--

'Cause it's like $12 for a drink now.

I know.

Yeah, but if you wanted to do a little bit

of something, something at home.

Okay.

I've got some stuff that's fucking like...

Like what, like?

- It's... - Nitrous?

- What? - Nitrous.

- What's that? - Is that a thing?

No, that's like helium balloon stuff, isn't it?

- I don't know. - No, no, no.

I'm talking about a little bit of crystal meth.

A little bit of nitrous on the weekend.

- Oh, meth? - Yeah.

It's mixed with like a speed, so it's not like super dirty.

I've got some sparkling rose as well,

so I'll bring that.

Bring a pair of trackies, 'cause you might stay over

'cause this shit, we're not sleeping tonight.

- We'll try to go out though. - Yeah, we'll go out.

Even if we just go to one bar.

- We're going out. - Then we come back.

You need to dance this shit off.

- Okay, well, I'll see you. - That'll be good.

I'll see you at four.

- This has turned around. - This is fun.

- Alright, I'll see you later. - Okay.

And we can talk about Penny.

Oh, nah.

Did you walk home? Did you cancel your Uber?

I did, yeah, because I wasn't ready to go home.

I was still flying off my fucking ring ear.

What time did you get to sleep?

I got a solid hour or two, I reckon.

Oh, yeah, well, you're looking good for an hour or two.

Do you want a Bailey's?

- Is that Bailey's? - Yeah.

Just to keep me, you know.

Oh.

That makes me wanna fucking chuck,

just even thinking about that.

It's quite nice, actually.

In through your nose, out through your mouth.

- I think I can just do it. - Okay.

Actually, I do want both of you to do it,

- if that's okay. - Oh, cool.

- Should we hold hands? - Do we need to hold hands?

I don't know, do you wanna hold hands?

See, this is the thing,

why sometimes I really wanna hold his hand

and sometimes I want to chop it off.

- Like, I want to just-- - I can hear,

- I can hear you talking. - Jump off a bridge,

and never, you know, so.

- Sorry. - Is that normal, sort of?

- To what? - Some of that is normal.

You know, I remember when I had my first,

I almost killed my husband.

Had the knife, stainless steel Japanese knife,

and I held it right here.

Yeah, I just left a little indent on his neck.

It looked like it had a piece of string just pulled slightly too tight.

Anyway, we had three more after that.

Do you mind if you just go through a quick sort of brief processes?

- I have a lot of processes. - Yeah.

For example, so I mean, I use word association a lot.

If you've been a participant of word association methods.

I'm certainly aware of it.

So, ball.

Game.

Good. Monopoly.

Game.

So you've repeated, you shouldn't repeat.

Okay, so I'll give it again. Monopoly.

- Game. - No, no, no, you can't.

You've already said that. Monopoly.

But my first association is "game."

- Yeah, okay, that's not-- - That's how the--

- No, no, no. - That's how--

We'll start again, it's okay. It's okay, you're just learning.

I mean, I understand what a word association game is.

- We'll try another one. - Sorry. Yes, okay.

So catch that and read it out.

What are healthy beliefs?

Christianity. Then you throw it to me.

- Okay. - Yep.

And I read one. Unhealthy thoughts are...

I shouldn't say.

No, you do need to say, it's part of it.

Unhealthy thoughts are...

Necrophilia.

Wow.

- Well-- - It's okay, it's just a game.

- I went to the worst one. - I know, yeah.

- Hang on. - It's interesting, though.

What is this?

- So this is-- - Is this--

It's a ball.

Does that work well with the students?

- Oh. - Do you think?

Does it work well? It's incredible.

How do you feel?

Awkward.

Yeah, so it is working, isn't it,

because you're able to identify a feeling.

Maria.

- Yeah. - You will be pleased to know

that you will be playing a young Judy Mokopouwhare.

- What? - A role of a lifetime.

- Are you serious? - Yes.

And you will be the journey from girl to woman.

And then I will come on stage

and play the role of pregnant woman symbolizing motherhood.

Are you, are you allowed to be in the school production?

Uh,

yeah, yeah.

So, Jayden, I am seeing you

representing fertility as the goat god Pan.

There will be a beautiful moment

where you impregnate young Judy Mokopouwhare

played by Maria.

You will have a phallus. It will be very erect.

Won't that be fabulous?

Yes.

No offense, Jayden, but can it not be Jayden?

What? Why not?

I don't want to have to be on stage

pretending to be you boning Jayden.

Well, if you don't wanna play Maria, I will.

I don't mind boning Jayden.

- You don't? - No, I'll do it.

What do you do at night?

I don't know, I just exercise.

Where?

Well, just up and down the corridors.

You know, go on my phone, I have dinner.

- Locked up-- - Hi, Miss D.

Hi, Mr. Thompson.

- Hey, Penny. - Hello.

What?

- What? - What's this?

- Did you just see that? - See what?

Oh, my God, she's...

It's just getting too much now.

Like, just so obvious, flirt.

Okay, there was nothing flirtatious about that.

You're not a bloke, you don't see it.

There's zero chemistry.

Well, there's a lot trying to go that way,

but there's nothing coming this way.

Yeah, you told me that she liked me.

That crush has just completely kind of dissipated

and now it's in your head.

I could've said Maia's got a crush on you.

I could said Georgina's got a crush on you.

- I could've said-- - Does she?

No, she doesn't--

It wouldn't matter anyway--

I could've said Jayden's got a crush on you

and you'd be obsessed with him.

Never Jayden, I would never go with Jayden. Listen.

Okay, maybe not Jayden, but--

Listen, listen, you don't see what she gives me.

She laughs, she smiles, she's always going, oh.

She trails her hand on my arm.

Like, how does that feel?

That's what I get from her. Feeling the bicep.

I'm at home just fucking just smashing out the dumbbell

because I know she's gonna grab it on Monday.

You've got a lot of energy and you need to get it out

and you need to forget about her, okay.

Do I? Yes you do.

- Because it's getting-- - I don't want to, though.

Look at me.

Like, what if she's the one?

She's a student at the school.

You are not gonna get married and have a baby.

Okay, it's not going to happen.

Senior camp is still going ahead.

It's actually a Christian camp.

Disappointing, man.

I'm seeing prayers, I'm seeing kayaks.

We're gonna have to bring a lot of booze.

Like a school men's group?

For the men at the school.

I'm not one for laying out on the problems, you know?

I just like to smile and grin and bear it.

Do you wanna hug me?

What for?

I've just written a little song for Penny.

For Penny? I thought you were gonna shut that down.

I didn't shut it down.

Who's it for?

Oh, just this woman I know.

You gotta sing it to her.