Original subtitles

Why would you draw it on the trophy cabinet?

I dunno whether it's one perpetrator or a whole gang of them.

- Hi guys. Oh, wow. - Morning, Rudy.

- This just happened. - Mm-hmm.

It's very thin, isn't it?

They're usually quite a bit thicker than that.

Fairly anatomically correct.

It's not at all anatomically correct, Sheree.

Oh!

- That's why I think it's drawn by a girl. - That's a bit of a putdown, isn't it?

I have seen a few cocks in my time Jarred.

Yeah, so have I. I'm just saying.

What's the cup that it's...

- It's the netball cup. - Oh.

If you ask me, I think it's drawn by a girl

who didn't get into the netball team and is angry about it.

What? What the fuck's going on?

Cheeky little bastards.

- This is gonna take long. - Is that him? That's him.

Oh, there he is. Is that him?

- He's here guys. - Okay.

Who wants to do a potpourri?

Do you wanna do a potpourri?

What? Now? No, I can't do... I'm pregnant.

Oh sorry, sorry.

Hi, hi. Sorry, could you just wait there? Sorry, mate.

Ugh, should we just say hello?

- Do a piggy. - What's a piggy?

- Okay. - Just...

- Good day. - Hi.

Hi, sorry about that, Jarred Needham.

- Jarred. - Inside?

Can I get a cup of tea, guys?

- This is a relieving teacher. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So these are our trophies.

Thank you very much.

Help yourself to more biscuits, would you like to sit next to the printer?

No, that's fine.

You wanna sit here? No.

- You sure? - You guys just continue like I'm not here.

- I'm just an observer. - Okay.

Thank you so much, you guys can carry on.

- Do you wanna bikkie? - No, its fine.

- You sure? - This is fine.

There's a power jack here somewhere if you've just...

Psst. Just leave it.

Okay. Alright. Well, I've only got one note

on this morning's list.

- Is that normal? - I don't really need to...

You just go as if you're normal business.

I'm not here. As though I'm not here.

Lovely. So, just the one note,

there's been a surge of cocks and balls

drawn around the school.

No, no, no, no.

Maybe that's something that we could

discuss in your office.

Do you normally have--

What do you know about cocks and balls?

That's a kid's thing, isn't it?

Well, usually I don't like to participate in the meeting.

I know it's a thing that kids do. It's kind of fun.

I used to do it as a kid too,

but actually, like we are experiencing a real surge of them.

As the guidance counselor/careers advisor,

I have noticed exactly that.

I work very closely with the students

and I've been collecting a lot of data around that,

which I've been logging daily.

- Oh. - No, you don't.

- Great. - You don't collect data.

- Yes, I do. Yes, I do. - You've never collected data?

- What are you talking about? - I collect data on a daily level.

You never sent me any data.

- Yeah, I've emailed you all. - What?

- No you haven't. - I've emailed you the data.

- When? - No, you haven't.

- No, you haven't. - Every, I so did.

- I haven't ever gotten any. - Off you go, teach the kids.

No, no.

Hey, Maia. Hey, Georgina.

Hey, thank God I found you.

You know, in French. I'm just struggling a bit.

I don't understand this. What's a [speaking French]?

- It's just, it's how they say - ...

Not [speaking French].

It's [speaking French].

Yeah.

Why are you even doing French dad?

Like, what possible things are you gonna do with French?

Well, if I watched a French movie,

I'd understand what they were saying.

I'd like to go to France one day.

- You're gonna go to France. - Yeah.

- Ms. Duffy. - Yeah.

I was just wondering if I could talk to you for a second.

- Sure. - It's about my dad.

- I mean, he's... - Lingering.

He just, he lingers everywhere.

- Gross. - He's in my face all the time.

Gross.

I mean, he took a bite of my banana yesterday

and gave it back to me.

Yeah. Look, I had a friend at high school

who totally smothered me and it was foul,

so I totally get it.

He's taking all my classes too. History and like classics.

Sorry, are you asking me a question

or are we just chatting because this is fine and it's fun,

but what's happening?

I was just wondering if we can do something like maybe

get him another class or...

- Or get him out. - Just get him out.

What I can do is I can propose a meeting. Yeah?

Should we do that? Should we have a meeting?

Knock, knock.

- Oh, hello. - A little surprise for you.

Oh, aww.

It's a little welcome packet

- Oh, that's really, yeah. - Put together myself.

Oh, great. Thank you. Yeah, I can't. I can't--

- Oh, no. Go on. - I actually can't. No, no, no.

If you work for the government,

you're not allowed to take any gifts over $40.

- Oh, don't be silly. - You really, you can't.

Well, it's for you, Gareth. I made it for you.

- That's really nice. I might not... - I got a fan there for you.

I bought it on a cruise I went on.

Just to make you feel at home.

- I'm-- Tongan. - You'd like that.

Good day, good day.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Is there a muffin fan in here?

He's saying he won't accept gifts, but...

I can't start a culture of people giving me stuff.

- Well, I've not heard that before. - Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, It's a thing. Are they homemade, though?

- Yeah. - They are homemade?

Sorry, I didn't, so was...

If it's homemade, it's different, 'cause if you're paying for it--

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Oh, so they're homemade.

Yeah. I bought 'em from the shop. Some supermarket.

So...

Oh, well we might head out. We might head out, Sheree.

- Thank you. - Thank you. See you, mate.

Did you take the...

I just feel like you're taking all the classes

that just happen to be the same as Maia's classes.

- It's a coincidence. - It isn't.

- It is. - No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is. - No.

It's absolutely a coincidence.

No, it's not. I think we need to identify some other

kind of interests, you know, that you have

and just shift you into those options.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Unlike classics, art,

history, photography, French.

I mean, you're not gonna go to France and open a cafe. Let's be honest.

Well, I'd like to-- to drink a cafe. I'd love to go to France.

- You'd like to drink a cafe? - Yeah, drink a cafe.

You can't drink a cafe.

That's what they say. A cafe. I have a cafe.

No, it's a coffee. You drink a coffee?

Okay. No, you are.

If Maia was in class and there was a boy

sitting behind her in all the classes,

we'd make them take another class.

It would be creepy, you know.

It would be creepy.

Do you agree, Maia?

Yeah. So hands up. Who agrees with that?

So that's three against one. Okay.

- Kia ora, how you going? - Good, yeah--

Good. Hey, I wanna introduce you

to the board of trustees head.

Hey, Gloria Lafaialii and Ian Metcalfe, the treasurer.

- Gareth doing the audit. - Yes.

- Hey, Gareth. - Yeah.

So how long do you think you'll take here?

It's hard to say at the moment,

but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a few months to do a full--

Few months.

Yeah. There's lot of--

Is it really gonna take that long. Few.

Well, there's really, there's a whole bunch of stuff

that doesn't make any sense.

So I'm just, there's a lot to work through.

Pardon?

Hey, why don't we go for a little wander.

We'll show you some of the more fun parts of the school.

Yeah, that's really kind.

No, I should really get down into this.

Well, it's pretty boring. I reckon, you know what we should do.

We should go show 'em the doors.

- Yes. - The doors.

You're like it

- You've got some new doors. - They're really nice.

They're lovely.

- I'm okay. I'm fine. - No, you wanna see these doors?

Yeah, I'm sure I'll see them throughout my time here.

Just come for a wander. It won't take long.

You gonna come see the doors or?

Come on, come on.

- Yeah. Okay, sure. - Yeah. It'll be fun.

We'll all go together.

You are a 47-year-old man.

You don't need to take art history at a high school. Okay?

Because you'll be leaving school soon.

I assume you'll leave when Maia graduates.

Assume you're not gonna stay on.

- When? - Sorry are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine. - Are you crying?

No, I wasn't crying. I just, my eyes a bit funny.

I'm just gonna carry on. Okay.

But you tell me if you are upset.

I'm not gonna just pick that up.

Okay. I'm not a mind reader.

Obviously, I feel like I've been pushed away

and I'm also allergic to cats.

Ah, okay. That's making a... a bit more sense to me

because for me, I was thinking, wow, he's totally overreacting.

I mean, I'm just trying to pull him outta some classes

and put him into some other classes.

And here you are...

Okay. Let me help you.

So I'm gonna give you three, like occupational categories.

Okay. You tell me which one you gravitate to.

Yeah. So A, hospitality, B, real estate,

C, stuff you can kind of do with your hands.

- My hands. - Okay, great.

So we are gonna enroll you in metal works at...

I'm really just...

Haven't you got an antihistamine type tablet

or something I can take.

I don't have tissues, I don't have antihistamine.

One thing I learned about allergies,

the best way to get over an allergy

is just to start being around those things.

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna get Lloyd out

and you can hold 'em for a little while.

No, no, no, no. That's not a good idea, Robyn.

Out you come Lloyd. There we go.

- I was attacked as a child. - He can sense your fear.

No, I know, I know. And I'm scared of the cat.

Hold your arms out.

There's a lot of blood. I think it's an artery or a vein.

- Sorry. Let's move-- - There's no arteries in your hand.

Some of my deodorants and--

- Isn't there. - No.

Toners. Let's get these electrics out here.

Okay. It's all yours guys. Sorry about that.

- Don't make it too hot. - Put it under the tap.

That's right, now let the running water just go over.

Ah, it's stinging.

Yeah, well, it will sting.

It was a cat bite. There's no cat bites here.

I've never heard of a cat biting anybody.

Dry it off on a paper towel.

- Oh, that's nice. - What's that?

It's a hydrating toner with rose and geranium.

Okay.

Did you do something to the cat,

I mean, cats don't usually attack people and bite them, do they?

- No. No. I-- - Did you hit it or something?

No. Well, I didn't do anything to it. She just put it on my lap.

You'd have to have done something to it.

Cats don't bite people unless they've got a reason to.

- I didn't provoke the cat. - You would've done.

No, I didn't.

I think what you've gotta do is

learn to be a bit kinder to animals.

That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

Yeah. So we've got these fabulous new doors.

Double glazed.

- Double glazed? - Yeah.

We can have one class in there. One in here.

They can't hear each other.

Why you just put a wall up?

Well, because now we can see each other,

we're gonna have to listen to each other.

- But isn't that distracting? - Yes.

She's not distracted by us.

Yeah but like if we wave,

see, she's waving straight back at us.

Well, she is, but the kids weren't.

Or the kids, There they go.

You wave at the kids and they'll turn around.

If this was a class, I don't necessarily...

See they're all, they dunno. It's even more confusing.

Or normally that wouldn't happen.

You wouldn't stand here waving at the teacher.

Yeah, but kids might do that.

I really dunno what the problem is here.

- The problem-- - Yes.

Is that you had a fully functioning wall, I assume.

And you replaced it with a very fancy door.

That is very expensive.

Do you wanna see the doors in action?

- Yes. - Go on.

Saying, you know, vaccines, not vaccines,

- but it just doesn't make... - Sense.

Because what don't you want in your system?

Horse blood.

What's this class?

Oh, that's her class...

- Close the door. - Biology.

Do you wanna close the door?

- Yeah, close it. - Yeah.

Yeah, we'll talk about the class.

'Cause yoghourt is nature's vaccine.

- So long. - Yeah.

It's an anti-vax class?

What? No, it's biology. You'd have to ask Rachel.

It really just looks like she's teaching anti-vax as fact.

Yeah. Come on, look at the drama class.

To the drama class. So this way.

So last week I had you in here

and I was talking about your sugar intake.

So have you or have you not been eating sugar

at school today?

- Mm-mm. - No, we haven't been.

Okay, so poke out your tongues, please.

Okay. So unless that is some sort of blue vegetable

that I haven't heard of,

I would say that's a yes to sugar.

It's my inhaler, it's for my asthma.

It's the chemical that goes on to my tongue.

It turns my tongue blue.

Why has Madi got a blue tongue?

Have you got asthma as well? Have you?

- She had a cough, so I gave her, so. - Yeah.

- Hi, Robyn. - Hi.

Sorry. Can I have a word? Good day.

Sure.

Hey, I think we need to get the cat off the school grounds.

Why is that?

Well, 'cause it bit Robert, obviously.

Yeah, but Robert kind of like was asking for it.

Kind of provoked it.

Yeah. Could you just like maybe put it in the car or...?

Well, it's kind of easier if I just keep it here

in the office, I think.

Can't you just take it home?

Oh. Well, home's just a little bit--

- Oh, yeah. - Tricky right now.

- Sorry. - I will call Peter.

- Okay, can you do that now? - Like right now?

- Yeah. - Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's biting students, sorry, we just gotta sort that out.

Thank you. Bye.

Whose cat?

Oh, we've got a cat. It's Lloyd.

After my divorce, we kind of share the cat.

Hi Peter, it's me. Yep. Yep. Okay. I know. Yep.

I need you to come pick up the cat.

Okay, pack it all up.

Eyes on me. Eyes on me. Tools down. Thank you.

So what do we say about filing? Filing equals...

- Smiling. - Smiling. Thank you, 'cause what happens

if we have sharp edges and we're not filing stuff?

What happens?

- You cut yourself. - You cut yourself.

And one of the projects we're making

this semester is a...

Toothbrush holder.

Toothbrush holder. What happens if you give

a toothbrush holder to grandma and she cuts herself

'cause you haven't filed. What's gonna happen?

- She'll bleed out. - She'll what?

Bleed out.

Okay, maybe.

Most of them are on blood thinners,

so it's actually quite possible.

My dad cut himself shaving

and he filled up the whole basin with blood.

That was, he'd almost bled to death.

Okay. Moving on. What other three projects

that we're gonna design and make all by ourselves

by the end of the semester. You should know this by now.

- Rob. - Well, there's the toothbrush holder.

- Toothbrush holder? Yep. - The wheel?

The wheel. No, I don't think the wheel's on there.

Something long. Got little numbers on it. Yep.

A ruler.

Yes, the ruler. And what's the third option?

It's a cake slice.

Yep. It's a cake slice.

So three options are?

Toothbrush holder, wheel and--

There's no wheel.

Who's putting a wheel? Who's making a wheel?

- I've got a wheel. - I've, yeah...

There's no wheels. All right.

So just, yeah, those other three options. Thank you.

Sheree, Peter's coming in today to pick up the cat,

so if you could let me know when he comes through,

because I don't wanna be in the same room as him.

So if you can call me.

and just hold him in reception and I'll, you know,

I'll get outta my office, and then he can come in.

You don't wanna see him?

No, I really don't wanna see him.

I don't wanna be in the same room as him.

- Oh no. - So I...

You don't feel safe?

I don't just... Yeah, no, doesn't feel right for me.

I understand. Oh, God knows I've been there.

- Right, have you? - Now don't you worry

I'll make sure that he doesn't come anywhere near you.

Thank you. Yeah. What are you wearing today? It's nice.

That smell.

Oh, I dunno what I put on this morning.

Got a bit of lavender.

No, definitely not lavender.

- Are you wearing my facial mister? - No.

My geranium, lavender, rosewater facial mister.

- No. - Yes you are.

That's my facial mister.

Just ask Sheree, okay?

Alright.

We're adults. And remember the thing about Peter.

Let me know. Call me. Thank you.

- Can I make something extra? - What were you thinking?

I wanna make a metal breadboard.

- Metal breadboard? - Metal breadboard.

- Okay. - So I don't want it to bend.

I want it be solid enough to go

- in the dishwasher and stuff. - Totally.

But I'd have to talk to you about how to protect it

because I don't want it to rust.

Yeah. Have you thought about making a breadboard

out of wood?

Yeah, I know, but everybody does that.

So the good thing about wood is when you say we're cutting

a loaf of bread, what would happen if the knife is grinding

on the metal breadboard?

It'd go blunt.

Yeah. So maybe wood's a better option.

I could put a knife sharpener on the end.

Yeah.

- You could just like that. - Yep.

So that'll keep your knife sharp.

That's a really good idea. Really good initiative, Rob.

Really proud of you. Doing some great work, mate.

Alright, what's going on over here Mr. Wheelie Man?

Jarred, I was just going through the roll.

You got a student, Robert Spencer,

has a date of birth's early '70s.

Yeah, that's right. He's 47 years old. Yeah.

So that's not a typo that he's 47.

No, that's right. He's an adult student.

He's certainly an adult.

- Yeah. - Yes.

You know, he brings another mature mind,

another seasoned kind of mind to the learning process.

He's not gonna be throwing wet toilet paper on the ceiling

or like grabbing one of the smaller kids

and wrestling him to the ground

and farting on his face and stuff like that.

How do the other students find him?

- They're good. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Okay, and so--

A couple of the girls don't like it.

Well, obviously his daughter doesn't like it

- because it's... - Whose daughter?

- Well, his daughter. - His daughter.

- His daughter's here? - Yeah, yeah.

How does the mother feel about this?

Oh, you mean his ex-wife?

I know from, there's a tone in her emails.

I can tell she's not happy about it.

So the mother's contacted you. The daughter is not happy.

- No one's happy about it. - Right.

Robert's the only one who's really happy about it.

I'm neutral about it, so I'm neutral. Robert's happy.

Maia's very unhappy. Mom's pretty ropable.

So I guess that that feels like it evens out.

Here's a roll from a Ms. Dundonald.

Oh, thanks darling.

Georgina, could you man the desk for a moment?

I just need to pop to the toilet.

I just need about 10 minutes.

Oh, I've got a bio test.

Oh, I only be 10 minutes darling.

Hello?

Yeah, hi. I'm here to pick up a cat.

A cat?

- Yeah. Robyn's cat. - Oh, Ms. Duffy.

Ms. Duffy, yes.

So you're gonna go down the corridor

you're gonna turn left

and then you're gonna do a wee right.

And there's like a... Oh wait, there's a, you're welcome.

Thanks Georgina. No problem.

So I went down the hallway,

took a left and it was a cupboard.

Yep. Because then you need to go

round the little loop-de-loop area. There'll be her door.

All right. You could have said that the first time.

Oh, I did, but you walked off.

- Whatever. - Whatever.

Oh, Robyn. Oh, Robyn.

Hi Sheree.

Sorry. Thought that you didn't want Peter

coming through here. You didn't want to

sort of be in the same room with him because-

No, it wasn't that.

A bit of aggression going on, that kind of thing.

- No. Okay. - I'm so...

- Cool. - Sorry.

Okay. Thank you. Thanks Sheree.

Do we just keep, I mean, I'm keen if you keen.

- Yeah, fuck-- - I mean, we've already...

Yeah. Ugh.

Sorry to interrupt.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure. - What?

We can talk.

- No to him. - Oh.

- Me? - What?

You wanna talk to me?

- Yes, please. - Oh. Yep.

Now you want to talk.

I just need to talk to you. Yeah.

It's been a while.

Whoa, what is wrong with you?

Nothing. I'm just saying I'm not a...

I'm not an ATM.

- What? - Yeah, you're dimming my light.

What light? Actually, funny you bring up ATM

because boo, boo, boo,

withdrawal, fast cash. We need a pram.

Do you think you can come to the baby factory tomorrow?

- Yes, but I'm a little bit... - Yes, but...

No I can't...

- You can't even just... - Okay. No, I can be there.

I can be there. I can be there. I can be there. I can be there.

Uh-huh, that's what I want to hear.

Yeah.

- Up. Aw. - Sorry.

It's alright.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't even wanna look at you.

Can you not? That's just like sandpaper.

- Okay. - Okay?

- I'll be there. - Was that so hard?

No, team us.

I'm back in.

I've got a side swaddle from my cousin

that you could borrow if you needed it.

It's not a front or back, but it could help.

That'd be cool.

I also live next to a loan shark

if you need some extra cash.

So really high interest rate

and you have to pay that back, otherwise...

What's that?

- One gone, two gone-- - Oh.

Three gone, a four gone.

No.

Hi Sheree.

- What? - Gonna be long?

Terribly sorry about what's just happened.

- Look, no, no problem. - No, I'm really sorry.

- No, no, no. No problem. No problem. - Sorry about what?

Well, Peter came in to pick up the cat.

I asked Sheree if she could make sure

we weren't in the same room at the same time.

She got distracted, left her desk.

We ended up having sexual intercourse.

- No problem. - What?

I should really go no-contact, Robyn.

Yeah, I try, you know

and this is why I was asking you to please

not let me be in the room when he came to pick up the cat because

if we are in the same room together, I will continue to have sex with him.

Just can't help myself.

Two people that hate each other having sex.

Yeah. I don't know if that's healthy.

What do you mean?

Well, how do you feel after the sex?

Look, I feel like, you know,

I have a period of shivery and yucky,

but then I get over that and yeah,

I mean, even just in terms of fitness,

I think it's good to have something going on.

No, no. Go for a run.

Someone's drawn a cock and balls

on the back of my car, so I just...

Come up the front and tell us what was on your car.

No, no. No, thanks.

You've got a crush on Mr. Thompson.

You are fucking kidding me. Excuse my language.

I'll tell you what, Vinnie. Can't wait.

Great catch. Okay, that hurt.

I want you to think into your being, which wolf am I?

Did you say anything about wolves before the fight?

Yes, because it's a exploring hierarchy.

I know you'd bite Jarred.

If he says to you, no wolf, yah.