Original subtitles

No, they didn't come through with the order.

No, I've checked through it all.

Excuse me one moment. Why are you late?

I slept in my bus and shot. You slept in again?

Hurry up and get to class. Yep.

No, standing order.

3816. No, it's St. McLeod's College.

Cherie. Excuse me, I won't be a minute.

Is there absentee forms?

Oh, in the absentee form folder, in the absentee form shelf.

Oh, thank you. It's quite urgent.

What do you want me to do now? Can you copy that, please?

Hello? Hello?

They hung up on me now.

Thank you. I was on the phone to them for half an hour. Now I have to ring

back. What is this?

I need some help, Jared.

I've just overrun.

This is a much bigger workload than it was when I started here.

The workload hasn't really... Yes, it has. The roll's gone up. I need an

assistant. Um, well... You know who's tickled?

Malcolm. Malcolm? You said he was a moody goth who never leaves his bedroom

eats cereal and plays video games all day.

Oh, no. Maybe a few years ago. Not now.

He's really on to it, Gerard. I think he's on the phone to Malcolm and had a

word with him. Oh, maybe you could... Yeah, I'm just on the call. I'm not

sure. I'll just have a peppermint tea. Thanks, Gerard.

No milk this time. All right.

Hi, Mum.

Hello, Malcolm. I've got you a job at the school, so get dressed and... I

give a shit about World of Warcraft, Malcolm.

Just keep standing.

What are you doing here?

I need some help, bro. These kids, what are they making?

They're making breadboards.

Breadboards? Yeah.

It's just like taking a piece of wood and making a piece of wood.

Well, yeah. It's too easy for them. You need to elevate their skills, bro.

I've got just the project for you.

What? I need a coffin.

A coffin? Yeah. I've made this coffin.

There's a funeral today at 1pm, and I left the coffin back in Tauranga. Well,

just go back and get it.

I can't go back there for it to drive back there. Okay, you've got to get on

one, then you've got to get up onto the eighth, and you know that little bridge,

that one -way bridge that eats up heaps of time.

I've got to pick up the coffin, find a mate to help me carry it because it's

heavy, and then put that in the van. I'll stuff for a feed, maybe a little

snooze, and drive all the way back.

By the time I get the coffin to the funeral, bro, it'll be tomorrow.

Way too late.

Why don't you just go buy a new coffin?

Bro, it's not just any old coffin. The fella, bro, he was a great partner.

Coffin it in the shape of a ghetto blaster, and it's some of my best work.

Ghetto blaster coffin.

Yeah, it's massive. Scale to the two, two scale, you know, three to one.

They can't make coffins, they're making breadboards. There's lots of bits of

breadboards all stuck together in the shape of a big bread bin.

Do you want the panda?

Yes, please.

So what are you feeling upset about?

My boyfriend was caught with another girl and doing stuff. What kind of

What are we talking about?

He was sucking her face.

That's what he was doing. So your boyfriend's sucking some other girl's

yeah? And you're feeling upset about that.

What's his name?

His name's like Max.

Okay, so is it like Max or is it Max?

It is Max. Yeah, so can you give me a direct answer? Sorry.

Okay, so Max is an arsehole. Okay, we've established that. He's hurt your

feelings, yeah?

So you'd say he's hurting you?

Yeah. So I'd like to draw your attention to my chart here.

What you say in here stays in here. So number one, someone is hurting you.

Number two is you want to hurt someone.

So I think, you know, we've established number one has happened. We're kind of

at number two. So how do you want to hurt him would be my question.

I think I'm going to tell him that I'm really upset at what he did.

Okay, so that's not going to really do anything, is it?

I mean, initially I brought up the idea of rushing him after school, but...

She was kind of against that. Now rush is just like a crowd of you kind of,

right? Yeah. You kind of rush in. Just rush in. Kind of rush them up and then

rush out.

Any other options? Just spitballing? Um,

key his mum's car because he doesn't have a car. Right. That's not something

obviously I could encourage, but I feel like you got this.

Okay. And I don't need to know what you're going to do, but just get out

and do it, yeah?

Okay, so your first card, you got the fall.

So you're making a fool of yourself, either at home or at work.

Okay, so we've got the devil. That'd be your husband.

Your husband's playing tricks on you one way or another.

Does that mean anything?

Cherie. So we've got the hanged man. Are you suicidal?

Oh, don't be like that.

Cherie. Stop out of it. That's your ten minutes. Thank you very much. Bye -bye.

Don't do that. I was doing a reading. You're really putting me off. Can you

do that? It's still hours, please. Someone was praying me for that.

Well, but we're paying you to work here. That woman was a suicidal fool. It was

a very difficult read.

And you think you're helping? Yes, I do help people with my psychic work.

Yeah, but you're not psychic.

I am so. My grandmother was psychic and my great -grandmother was psychic.

Going right back.

Could you just not do it at school, please?

Okay.

Anyway, I want to show you an email that I've received.

Oh, what's this about?

Can you just come and have a look?

Yeah.

You all right? On your own for a minute?

Yeah.

Dear Jared, I know this sounds a bit weird, but my mum has always talked

my dad, but I've never met him. All I know is that she had a one -night stand

some kind of conference around 1998.

She said he was now a principal of a school, and I've done a bit of internet

sleuthing, and I think that maybe you're my father.

I haven't told Mum, and she doesn't know I'm contacting you. But if you think

this might possibly be you, maybe you could email me back.

Thanks, Jeremy.

Oh, Jared.

Are you going to email him back?

Yeah. Oh, I've got a very strong feeling about this, Jared. This is the real

deal. Can you not do the high -tech stuff, please?

Listen up, everyone. Mr. Harrison speaking.

OK, go, bro.

OK.

I've got a new project.

We're going to be making a box.

A box?

A rectangular shape.

Rectangular shape that one day goes into the ground?

Yes.

Are we making a coffin?

Yes. Sorry, who is this? I'm really confused.

This is my brother, Tony.

Why do you sound like a question?

This is my brother.

This is my brother, Tony Harrison. Yes, right.

Yep. I don't think my mum would let me make a coffin. Me neither.

It's woodwork.

Yes. Is this coffin for, like, an actual dead person?

Yep. Oh, my God. Who died?

Oh, Frank.

Frank.

Derek?

Hi. G'day. Hi, how are you?

Jeremy. Thanks, Jeremy.

Nice to meet you. Wow.

Yeah, good to meet you.

Thanks for having me come in.

Oh, yeah.

I think I'm going to cry or something. I was looking at the date.

Yeah. Did that make sense to you, that time?

Yeah. I mean, it was a pretty crazy time, but... Sure.

It was this one...

Conference in Christchurch.

Christchurch. Okay. Well, that makes sense because I grew up in Christchurch.

Right. So she talked about me.

Yeah. Yeah, she said there was a very handsome young man.

Archie. Yeah. And they had a one -night stand that was very special.

Because I never heard from her again, you see.

Yeah, right. So do you know why she didn't reach out? I think the thing is

mum is she came from such a religious...

So when she found out that she was pregnant, she had to, you know, get away

the family and keep the whole thing a secret, really. Yeah.

Thanks. Sorry. I didn't think I'd get so caught up.

Yeah, because if I had known, I would have liked to have known, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

So you don't have a family at all?

No. No.

No.

Do you have a family?

Yeah, yeah.

I got a kid.

Just a little four -year -old son, yeah.

Wow, what's his name?

Jareth.

Oh, it's quite close to my name, isn't it?

So inside every biological female, she has cells, and in these cells are

mitochondrial DNA. Hey, Matt!

I've got egg on me. I can't have egg on me. I need to go to the sick bay.

I'm allergic to eggs. Okay.

Is it on my neck?

Is it on my neck?

Okay.

Kyle, grab my crutches.

Kyle, open the door.

I can feel a little gritty.

Oh, jeez.

Bloody hell.

Let's have a look, Max.

Oh, yuck.

What does it look like? It's fine. You're all right. Why were people

eggs at school? Because I put it on his medical form. He is allergic to eggs. I

just want to know that my boy will be safe. I don't want to send him to school

knowing that he could die. I don't think he's going to die.

How do you know that?

A very small percentage of kids die at school.

So just happy to go with that.

I just don't feel like you care about children at all.

Yes, I do. Of course I do. I just can't stop kids from bringing eggs to school.

Oh, that's my painting.

I've been exploring my subconscious via self -hypnosis and painting some of the

images my subconscious is throwing out there.

That's the angel of death taking me up to what I thought was heaven, but it's

not, obviously, because it's the angel of death.

Do you think this is appropriate to have in the sickbay?

Well, I think the message is an optimistic one for the sickbay, yeah.

It's basically saying that we shouldn't be scared of death, because death isn't

scared of us.

You've got to get rid of that coffin, bro. If Jenny finds that lying around

there, she'll know that I didn't bring it up here for the funeral. And if I

my job, bro, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'll be taking you down

with me.

I don't know, just chuck it on trade me or something.

There must be some other old breakdowns that have died recently.

Yeah, it's a wicked ghetto bastard, man. It looks incredible.

What's going on? I've got to go.

Jared?

Who are you?

Thank you, Kenneth.

Tony.

G'day, Tony.

What are you doing here? I work for the school advisory board on arts and crafts

and ships.

I mean, just look at the skill level of these kids. Tony, I'm going to have to

stop you there, mate, because I know that none of that's true.

What bit?

All of it. I know it's a coffin.

Someone came and told me.

Who snitched?

We can't have coffins being made in wood class, mate. You're gonna bury someone

in this.

What? You're actually gonna use this.

What's the point of making stuff if you're not gonna use it? We can't be

kids making a coffin at a school.

We got the blanket and pillow from the sickbay, Mr Harrison. Wait, what are you

doing with those?

Are they for the coffin?

Those? Take them back to the sickbay, please.

Let's tuck them in the coffin. No, take them back to the sickbay, please, and

leave them there.

Tony?

Enough of that, please.

Take them back to the sick bay.

Mr. Needham, please.

Okay. I'm talking to you. Hey, on the level now, bro. Okay?

Man to man.

I need this.

Okay? There's a funeral at 1 p .m. Think of the family. Think of that family.

Think of Frank.

Who's Frank?

The guy... Oh, the guy who's dying? Yeah. Oh.

Please.

Come on, Jared.

Come on, Jared.

Well, just get it done. Get it out of here. Don't let anyone see it. Stop

costumes on them.

None of you kids tell your parents.

Keep painting it. Keep it for yourself.

Yes!

Hey!

What?

Oh, how did it go?

Yeah, it was lovely.

I saw you driving off. Where did you go? Yeah, oh, we went to a Thai place.

You had a lovely lunch together.

Yeah. And you caught up on all the years.

Yeah, we caught up. Yeah, I gave him 15 grand.

Oh, that's lovely of you, Gerard. I had to go to like seven or eight cash

machines to get the money out.

Yeah, and I bought him a car.

Oh, what a lovely fatherly act.

What's going on?

Hey. What's happening?

Oh, Jared's found out he's got a son.

Turns out he went to a conference and rooted someone in 1998 and that's the

result. You're joking.

No, it's true. It does happen to people.

Well, when did he find out?

This morning.

How? Via email.

And he's bought him a car?

As dads do.

Oh, no.

That's a scam.

Don't put it like that. What did the email say in the subject line?

Introduction. Introduction? I thought that was lovely. Oh, come on, Cherie.

That's got scam written all over it. What do you think, Malcolm?

Yeah, of course.

It's obvious, Mum.

Yeah, and that's a young person talking.

Oh. Come on, Cherie, wake up. I know it's the real deal.

How? Because I'm a little bit psychic, and I had a feeling about it. That's

another big red flag.

So, you've just... Given money to who?

To Jeremy.

Who's Jeremy?

He's a very nice young man.

Okay, his name's not Jeremy and you've just given 15 grand and a car to a con

artist. Yeah.

Well, look, it doesn't matter anyway.

Because, you know, I know he's not my son.

What? I worked it out. Dates were like three years off.

Okay, so you're happy?

To just give your money away to a con artist? Yeah. I thought he did a great

job.

At conning you?

Yeah. It was just nice.

I had a son for an afternoon. We had lunch together. If you're just happy

giving out 15 grand, there would be so many better people to give that 15 grand

to than some scammer. Yeah. Like an orphan or like me or Vinnie.

Yeah. Yeah, but he made me feel like I had a son.

It's biological, Robin. You wouldn't know because you don't have kids.

Yeah, but neither do you.

Okay. Well, I did.

For an hour and a half.

Oh, my God.

No,

no,

I'm allergic, please.

Oh, no.

No, Kyle, no!

Little bastard.

Kids are throwing eggs around willy -nilly.

We can't have eggs being thrown at school.

I'm going to ban eggs.

We can't ban eggs.

Yes, I'm going to ban eggs at the school.

I have eggs in my smoothie, Jared, every day.

Well, now you can't. Well, I'm not throwing them.

Crack your eggs at home, put them in the smoothie, blend it at home and bring it

into the school. And that goes for all of you, okay?

Only blended eggs at the school. No eggs in their shelves.

Dangerous. Ever had a piece of eggshell in your eye?

I had when I was your age.

I was looking up at a nest and an egg fell out, hit me in the face.

A piece of eggshell went down underneath my eyeball. It hurt.

There are better ways to solve disputes.

How about stopping and saying, I don't like that.

Please, can we talk about it?

Actually, Ms Duffy will know a bit about this. She's the expert in dispute

resolution.

Yeah, I think talking is an option.

You know, stop it, I don't like it. I've found it reasonably ineffectual. But I

would agree, you know, violence should be a last resort. It should not be, you

know, your go -to.

Have you tried everything else?

Violence is never a resort.

Violence should not be a thing.

Well, no, violence shouldn't be a thing, but I mean, unless you've tried

everything else, you're pushed into a dark place and then just go with your

really. No, the point is, no more egging.

And I want the people who started this in my office after this assembly.

Now away you go.

Miss Duffy said we should do something and we thought that maybe eggs would be

good. What'd she say?

Well, she didn't say it in words, but she didn't say not to do anything.

Can you tell me exactly what she said? Like, can you quote her?

It was more of like, don't incriminate me, but...

Go get them back.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Nice and easy. Come on. Here we go.

Be careful of the bottom of it. Don't cut that.

There we go. Lovely.

All right. Thank you, kid.

Hands in the middle.

One, two, three. Frank!

Good work.

Better get going before Judy finds out I'm here. Oh, here he is.

Hey, Judy.

Hey,

how are you?

Oh, good to see you.

How are you?

Good, good.

Going. We've got Reynolds' birthday party this Saturday. Did you get the

No, I did get that, yeah.

That'd be so good to have you there.

Yeah. I'm actually pretty busy.

Well, we can change it to Sunday.

Or Monday.

Tuesday. I think we're free Wednesday.

We'll be working.

Yeah, but we could just make time. We could just get relievers or something.

I'm actually busy through to the next Sunday.

There you go. He's busy. That's right. Such a bummer.

Yeah. I was hoping we could do our little number.

You know, like at his second birthday, the pantomime horse.

Me as the head, you as the...

I do remember that. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, it was a one -off. It was a

-off, and that was special.

Yeah, look, if you ever sort of need anything, or you want to come and have a

drink with us. No, I'll be okay. Or a chat or anything.

No, no, I will. Yeah, and just, like, love to everyone, and if you ever need,

like, a dinner or a drink. It's a finger.

Yeah. I think you can picture the baby. I think you can picture the baby.

So good to see you.

Okay? Yeah.

Oh, it's so good to see him. Yeah. He's so handsome. So rugged. He just looks

like he could just sort of grab you, doesn't he? And clearly so good with his

hands. Well, we're probably the same family.

Yeah. So nice. Okay, come on. Get back to park.

Lovely to see him.

Do you think he'll come back and see you?

I don't know.

You don't know? I don't know. Come on. You should call him, I reckon.

You know, keep in touch.

I'm busy.

Are you in a session?

Yes, Jared.

Are you, though?

Yeah, yep.

The sign's constantly in session.

Sorry, I'm just coming in.

Okay. Just coming in.

Yes, there's no one in here. Okay, but I'm not always available if there's not

child in here. It's just because I do a lot of prep in my head.

You're rolling the signal in. Yeah, and that's how I prep.

Hey, um...

I just had Mariah and Aria in my office. They said that you told them to throw

eggs at Max.

Not true.

The sort of thing you'd say.

I need to remind you about the doctor -patient confidentiality. You're not a

doctor. But still, that Hippocratic Oath, Jared, we all know.

The students come to me as their guidance counsellor. I can't go blabbing

principal. So even if I had said something around, I don't know, standing

yourself, being a woman, could I tell you about the exchange? No.

Can you not smoke inside? I'm not smoking inside. Just going to do that,

because you're not actually in session.

Sure.

We cannot lose to him.

Did you punch anything?

In the room? Yeah. No. In the car? Yeah. What are you doing here? Just hanging

out with my mate. Your mate?

What mate?

Are any of you actually teaching Robert this term? No.

Earth, air, fire, water.

Is she going to build a giant cardboard cutout and get you all dancing around

inside it? I think that was literally her plan. Oh, Robert!

I'd say bullshit.

Do you use that kind of language around the students?

No.

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