Original subtitles

[Vinnie] We had the year ten basketball on Saturday.

Yes, that's right.

A little bit of a problem, um,

ball went outta bounds, I chucked it back in,

the kid can't catch to save his life, hit him in the nose,

broke it a little bit, some blood came out.

A little bit theatrical.

Anyway, the old man came running in, freaking out.

- "You did that on purpose." - And I said, "Fuck off, mate."

Just headbutted him in the face, just once, so he knew,

don't get in my face, because that's my space,

- you know what I mean? - You headbutted the dad?

Yes, because he was in my face, mate. He was like that, mate.

Old girl comes running in, freaking out, "Oh, my God, Robert!"

Freaking, making a massive scene, swinging her purse,

fucking going psycho.

I just went fucking bang, quick palm to the throat.

- She went back, it was a stun- - You punched the mother?

No, I palmed her.

I palmed the mom, stunned her.

Just so she was like, oh, you know?

'Cause if you're getting someone in the throat,

mate, you ain't breathing.

You got about 15 seconds of thinking your life's over.

I just wanted to let you know.

Not a big deal.

Well, it kind of is a big deal.

Okay, when you're in prison, mate, you do shit to survive.

Have you been to prison?

Yes, I have, and it is not a nice place, mate.

- Wasn't on your CV. - Yes, it was.

- No. - Six years, Victoria Pen.

Oh, Christ, I thought that was a polytech.

No, it's a prison, mate.

What am I gonna do with your CV?

Shred that, easy.

Disappearing.

[opening theme]

[Sheree] Well, it's quite pretty.

They did a similar shade last year.

I bought it.

- Yeah, no. - [bell dings]

There's someone here. Bye, bye.

Hey, how are ya?

- How you doing? - What can I do for you?

Hey, I'm just-

Sorry, I'm being bloody rude here.

My name's Squirrel. What's your name?

Oh, I'm Sheree.

Sheree, lovely to meet you.

I'm just after a really good mate of mine.

You know what, he's more like a brother to me than a mate.

- Oh, yes? - His name's Vinnie Davidson.

You ever heard of him?

No, we don't have a Vinnie Davidson here.

I was sure, no, I looked him up.

I'm sure he works here, yeah.

- No, no, no, there's- - Tall bloke, beard, lovely fella.

We have got a Vinnie, but it's not Davidson.

What's this Vinnie's name? Vinnie Thompson.

- [Squirrel] Vinnie Thompson. - Yes.

Do you reckon I can meet him,

just in case it's the same one?

Well, he'll be in class at the moment.

Oh, okay.

You like muffins, Sheree? You like muffins?

Yes.

I'll tell you what, I got the best recipe

for some banana crisp muffins, all right?

Now, what I'm gonna do for you, if you can do me this one favor, Sheree,

- I'm gonna do a favor for you. - Oh.

I'm gonna bring you some of these muffins in tomorrow.

And we can eat them together at morning tea.

- What do you reckon? - Oh, that's very nice of you.

- Thank you, Sheree. I appreciate it. - Oh, that's all right.

No, that's all right. I'll just give him a call.

Thanks, darl.

[Sheree] Vinnie, could you come to the desk please?

You have a visitor.

Vinnie Thompson, could you come to the desk please?

You have a visitor.

Thank you.

[Squirrel] Here he is, eh?

- Thanks Sheree, you've been a darl. - It's all right, no you will have to sign.

Yeah, no worries, I'll get on that one. Good to see you.

- Good day Squirrel, how are you mate? - Vinnie Thompson?

- Yeah. - [Squirrel] Vinnie Thompson?

- Yeah, yeah. - [Squirrel] What's with the Thompson?

Ah, it's just my surname, so...

- Yeah, right. Okay. - Yeah, that's what everyone knows me as.

Yeah, okay. Vinnie Thompson.

- Thompson. - Just leave it mate.

Right, okay.

What are you doing here, Squirrel?

[Squirrel] I come to see my old boy. See how you're doing.

Didn't think I'd find you here, did you?

Yeah, no, well, yeah, just teaching, you know.

We'll go have a chat, hey, what do you reckon?

You know what, I might catch up with you after, after school.

Oh, we'll be real quick.

Just go somewhere real quiet and talk.

- I've got Basketball. - Go. Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, alright. Come around and,

Yeah, will do. See you in a sec, mate.

He seemed nice.

Yeah, no, he's good.

Vinnie, have you been giving out stickers

for the star chart?

My star chart's going really crazy at the moment.

- No, no, no. - It's not, it's not,

I haven't been giving out.

I can tell when they've drawn them on, but I can't

Rachel this is Squirrel. Squirrel, this is Rachel.

Hello. What was it again, Rachel?

[Vinnie] Yeah.

Bring it in for a bit of-

Ah, we don't really hug.

I'm a hugger.

[Vinnie] I'm just gonna take him on a tour.

Can I come on the tour?

No, you can't.

Alright, see you Rach. Alright.

- Hey, maybe we should go on the tour now. - Yeah. What do you reckon, eh?

- Good to see you. - Yeah, yeah.

- [Squirrel] Lovely to see you, Sheree. - Bye, bye.

Let's go outta here.

It's this way.

- Let's go out here. - We'll go this way.

[Vinnie] somewhere quiet, so we can have a chat.

You know what I mean?

Oh, hang on a sec.

Hey, hey, hey.

Just wake up. Can you go, you gotta get up and go.

[Student] It's the sick bay.

No, it's not the sick bay, all right?

Come in, Squirrel.

You know how fucking hard it was to find you, mate?

Yeah.

I went door to door

bashing every bastard we ever met asking about you.

Yeah, no, well, I left that life, mate.

When did you get out again?

Uh, end of 2010?

2010? Fuck, that's a lifetime ago, isn't it?

Couldn't get a job to save my life.

- It was hard, isn't it? - [Vinnie] Well, it is.

You do, you do time and no one wants to fucking know you.

Well, they think we're fucking animals or something.

So yeah, got the old girl to lend us some cash...

- [Squirrel] Yeah, right. - ...and did a Contiki over here.

Contiki, what's that?

It's like you get on a bus and you just go around

and you see some fucking glaciers

and some kiwi birds or some bullshit, you know?

You're blown, and you just fuck.

You're fucking?

You just fuck, it's a fuck bus.

But anyway, look, what have you been up to?

Like, when did you get out?

They let me out about two months ago.

I was wearing that fucking ankle thing around there.

- Snip that bad boy off... - You snipped it?

...as soon as I found out where you were.

I'm done with all that shit, eh. Like, this is good for me.

I got a set-up here.

So just keep it down with that stuff.

So what are you doing?

- Are you fucking just pretending? - Yeah, I teach Phys Ed.

- It's easy. - It's easy?

- It's fucking good money. - How much do they pay?

I'm probably looking about seven fifty?

To do fuck all?

Well, yeah, I do a little bit.

- This fucking sounds all right to me. - It is good.

I fucking reckon I'm gonna get in on this.

- Eh? - Who's giving out the jobs?

Well, you'd have to talk to Jarred, the principal.

- But he's- - Yeah, right? What is he?

- Ah, he'd be a good bloke? - Nah, you-

I'll tell you what, you put a word in, I put a harder word in.

No, you can't. You can't do the hard word here.

I'll tell you what, mate, I might just go for a little stroll around the school.

- No, no, no. - See what's happening, eh?

- No, sit down, Squirrel. - Put a word in.

Yeah, no, no, Squirrel. No, Squirrel. Hey, Squirrel!

[gentle music]

Oh, hi, Robyn.

- Hey, how's it going? - Oh, good.

- How's there? Have I covered it? - Is it supposed to be gray?

No, brown.

Oh, just need...

[makes spraying noises]

Yeah, got it.

Great.

- Can I tell you something? - What?

I had an amazing sex dream last night.

About me?

No, not about you, sorry, no offense.

About John.

- About John? - Yeah, John

Having sex with him?

Oh yeah. Thrice, thrice times.

What were you doing?

Well, we were in a tree, in a tree hut.

And here he is, naked. No words.

Just, you know, and you wouldn't believe the size of the...

His wanger?

Yeah, it wasn't so much the length, it was the girth,

you know, it was like, you know that salami-

John's?

- John. - John's girth? And I was just-

- Hey John. - Oh.

- Hey. - Hey, man.

Did my, um, did my-

- Sorry. - Yeah, sorry.

I'll go after you, if that's all right?

Yeah.

That's mine.

- Oh, that's your one. - [bell ringing]

Oh, there's the bell. You guys have a good one.

I was waiting for you.

Oh, no, yeah, um...

Any plans after work or...

No, no, you? Any plans?

I thought, no. I was just gonna ask.

Maybe if you wanted to grab a drink or something. Maybe

- A drink, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You know? Yeah, cool.

Well, yeah, anywhere's fine with me.

Yeah. Yeah, anywhere's...

I mean, if you, if you wanted, we could just,

we could, we could stay here.

Oi, dickhead.

Fuck. Hey, still here?

- Yeah, yeah. - Thought you left?

No, no. Just went for a bit of a wander around.

Hey, hey, got one for us.

Saw this dairy shop up the road, right?

- You know those little milk bar joints? - Yeah, yeah.

After midnight, this real skinny bastard gets on, right.

Dull as fuck, right?

He's probably fucking 14, 15 at best.

Skinny as fuck, wouldn't know what's going on.

Okay.

You follow me in and I'm gonna go straight up to him.

Grab his fucking finger. I'll break that one, right?

Why are you breaking his finger?

Well, he's gonna fucking, we've gotta get the cash somehow, right?

So then basically, after that, I'll grab the second one.

Why are you, why break a second finger?

I don't know why you're breaking fingers to begin with?

Alright, well I'll crack him in the face. Bust his nose, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Just go in there and ask for it.

I mean, you shouldn't ask for anything. You shouldn't be doing this.

[Jarred] See you, Vinnie.

Oh yeah, see you, Jarred.

Is that, that's Jarred?

- Yeah but, no. - Hey, hey Jarred. How are you mate?

Squirrel, Squirrel, Squirrel.

- Good to meet you, yeah. - Oi, Squirrel.

What you got there? I'll carry that for you, mate.

- Squirrel. - I've heard all about you, Jarred mate.

He's going home. Squirrel.

[grunting]

[Judy] You like trees?

[gentle music]

[Squirrel] The building's burning, right?

Vinnie's on my shoulder, starkers, alright?

This little boy walks past and goes, "Mommy, peewee."

[laughter]

- Because, you know, he's got a, you know? - Penis.

Yeah, yeah, and well that's how I met him.

Hey, there he is. He is a big fella right now, eh Vinnie.

Come in, come in, talk to the guys.

You've met everyone obviously.

What are you still doing here?

Jarred got me a job, baby.

Doing what, the Squirrel?

I don't know yet. Jarred's gonna tell me, he's gonna fill me in.

But hopefully it's working with all these lovely people.

Nice guy.

Yeah, yeah, great bloke, great, great bloke.

Mate, you are happy too, right?

Bloody oath on him, mate. No, congratulations.

- Thanks mate. - No, congrats.

Thanks mate, appreciate it.

Yeah, no worries.

So how did you two, two guys meet?

We were roomies.

We, we lived together for a while.

Probably about six years, eh?

Yeah, and then we did have that other little time

where we moved back in together for six to eight months,

- I think. - Yeah.

Was it just the two of you or were there other roommates?

- Oh, no. - No it was,

- A big house. - But you didn't own the house?

- No. - Just renting.

No, no, no. Didn't own it. Here he is, the legend himself.

How are you mate, good to see you.

Yeah, so Squirrel is gonna be helping Rachel

in biology class.

No, that's a, that's a bad, that's a bad idea.

Because I think you'd be better suited with,

with me out on the field.

- Maybe not with Rachel. - Why?

Okay.

Rachel, okay, just, we'll talk about it later.

Now I just wanna draw your attention, if I may, to these.

What's that?

- [Rudy] Candlestick? - Two teeth?

- It's two faces, kissing. - No, no.

Two ceramic pottery glasses?

What's that?

So is there a prize?

No, it's not a guessing game.

They're photocopies, they're photocopies of bottoms.

[Rudy] Oh.

[Jarred] Look.

- [all exclaiming] - Ah, that's definitely one.

Look, what I'd like to do is I would like you to work out,

tell me who these kids are and bring them to my office.

Now. I think I know who they are, right? That's Shereen.

- [Sheree] I don't think it's Shereen. - [Robyn] I don't think it's Shereen.

- And that's Nick. - It's not Nick.

- I think that's Dougal. - Oh, no, sorry-

I think that's Dougal, because it's pouchy.

[Robyn] Oh, that could be Nick, yeah.

How are we supposed to find out?

Do we just pull their pants down?

No, no, you can't do that.

Can't do that? Right, okay.

I know exactly who that is, that is Dixon.

- [Robyn] No. - No, because I was in the changing room

a couple weeks back and you know-

What were you doing in the changing room?

We're not allowed in the changing rooms.

It was the guys changing room.

No, the teacher's changing room's next door.

Oh, okay, I'm a pedophile, fire it at me.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, come on mate, it's all right.

Think you know we can all agree

that there is no sex offenders at this table, okay?

You're okay. You know, just take it easy.

[Jarred] Okay, back to the buttocks, please.

Would you be a darling Sheree

and photocopy those and put them in our cubby holes?

Could you give me a copy, maybe?

Actually give Squirrel a- a set of the buttocks sheets.

- No. - Yeah, I'm gonna need

- a couple copies of those. - No, no you won't.

Because he doesn't know who the students are.

- No, I can point them out. - Yeah, just leave us a couple of copies.

- No. - Yes, yes.

- Give me a couple me a couple. - No.

- Just a couple of copies. - Squirrel, you won't need them.

Okay, buttocks in our cubby holes and good meeting.

[Rachel] I think we do too.

[Squirrel] Yeah, we'll do a walk-around together,

see what we can...

Fuck. Oh, shit.

Fuck.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Judy. - Yeah.

Do you wanna do some more... photocopying?

I don't have any photocopying to, to do, so.

Exactly. So would you like to do...

If you are thinking about what I think you're thinking about,

I'm sorry, the answer's no.

It was just a one off for me, so yes.

- Once and that's it? - Yeah, yeah.

Wow. If I'd known it was just gonna be once

- and maybe I would've... - You would've...

...wanted it to be a bit longer.

Oh, I don't think you should feel bad about

how long it went for. It was...

I wasn't timing. How long was it?

It would've been under the three minute mark. Yeah, so...

Was it?

Yeah. Yes. Great.

Hello, hello.

- So... - No, was it?

Don't be embarrassed, it's fine. I wasn't timing it.

I just sort of have in my head, I'm like, well these three minutes.

I do similarly, three minute blocks

and we didn't make the first block, so that's fine.

- Was it just three? - Alright, okay.

Judy, it wasn't three minutes.

It was three minutes.

[upbeat music]

Yo.

[makes threatening noise]

Ladies, keep it easy.

Who is that?

- I have no idea. - What the fuck...

[Judy] What's all this?

Well, it's the student bums.

Students have been breaking into the resource room

and photocopying their bums.

And so I'm just handing out a photocopy so everyone can have a good look at it and

work out whose bum it belongs to.

So when did this happen?

Well, yesterday after school. So there's two of them.

There's obviously a male and a female.

Right? Two kids.

Two kids, yeah. Broke into the resource room.

Mucked about with a photocopier.

Oh yeah, that's really disrespectful.

[upbeat music]

We've done the carving, we've done the shapes of them.

Some of them look like fish, but that's okay.

What is the Maori name for this? Yep.

Patu, sir.

Patu. Correct.

And this is called...

[Student] I don't think there is a Maori name for that, sir.

I think it's just the file, sir.

It's a file. Okay. Yep.

So that's a Patu, and that's a file.

We take the file, we're gonna smooth it out, okay?

Before we do that, what do we do?

- [Student] Safety goggles. - Safety goggles.

Sorry John, could I just have a quick word outside please?

What? Now, here?

Yes, right now.

Sure, alright, as you were.

Safety goggles.

- Is that mine? - I don't know.

- It's gotta be yours. - Thanks.

Jarred's giving them out to staff to try and find whose bum it is.

I didn't hear it going off.

Look, I really don't need this at the moment.

- I've got Equus. - Yeah.

My cup is overfloweth.

Look, he thinks it's some of the students.

- So I say we just... - Nice.

- ...we just go with that. - Yeah.

The last thing I need is a scandal.

- So let's walk this down. - Okay.

Do you want one?

- Hey girls, how are we? - What do you got there?

It's just a nut mix.

Oh, the old nut mix with the cranberries inside.

That's probably the best one.

Wait, can you just fuck off for a minute?

- Sorry? - Fuck off.

Bazza, how are you, mate?

Sir, who, who is the big guy that you were with earlier?

Why?

He just looked like he was pushing you around a bit.

Did he push you?

- No, no, but he was asking- - Did he push anyone here?

I don't think so.

Well, he came up to us and asked us what we were doing this weekend.

- Yeah. - What did you say?

- Nothing. - We didn't really wanna talk to him.

We didn't know who he was.

Don't talk to him.

If he comes back, just run if you have to, okay?

- Run? - Run fast.

[upbeat music]

Must be something to do with my cycle, maybe, do you think? Or maybe-

- Are you menstruating right now? - Hey.

- Well, no- - How yous going?

- Oh, hey. - Going good.

- What yous up to? - Collecting some scripts for my class.

- Oh, yeah, nice one. - What are you up to?

Oh, just come to have a bit of a quick chat.

Just wanna chuck something out there quickly.

What are you guys thinking of Squirrel?

Love him, really nice guy. Have you met him?

- No, now who's- - Lovely guy. Muffin guy.

- Muffin guy. - He's the new teacher.

- Yeah. - [Judy] No, I haven't met him yet.

- Beautiful guy, beautiful guy. - He's a pretty big hit at the moment.

Not everybody knows that he's a sexual offender though.

So that's why I want to come and just to let you guys in on that.

- How do you know that? - Well, we were in jail.

- He told me that. He sat me down. - Wait a minute, you were in jail?

- Yes. - Why were you in jail?

That's not a big deal. It was in and out. Six years.

Six years? That is not in and out. What did you do?

I ran over someone accidentally when I was robbing a Blockbuster.

It's not a big deal. I don't wanna get into it.

But you just need to understand,

we need to figure out what we're gonna do about Squirrel

because he can't be teaching here.

He's already looking at you guys.

I could see him in that staffroom there from meetings.

- Oh no, that's not good. - He's watching you, you know.

See, I had such a warm vibe because not many people like me and we met,

- and I felt like, he likes me. - Yeah. You know,

I don't get that much, and I just thought,

I didn't think, oh my God, he's a sex offender.

Well that's strange because he said to me

after the meeting, I'm gonna fucking bang that chick.

Did he say that?

No, don't smile because it's not a good thing.

When he says bang, he means knock out and then root.

And Jarred's just given him a fucking job.

And I'm telling you right now, if you knew, if you knew man...

- Calm down, stay calm. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're getting that, you're getting that anxious thing happening again. Yep.

- Yeah. - Squeeze your ball. Squeeze the ball.

Keep breathing, squeeze the ball and keep breathing at the same time.

That's it. Okay.

Okay. We're gonna, we're gonna sort this.

[Judy] Jarred, Jarred.

- Jarred. - What?

Jarred, we have to talk. We've got a problem.

Oh, there is some evil within these grounds.

- What? - Or there is a foul taste in my mouth.

- What, them? - No, Squirrel.

He's a sex offender.

What do you mean a sex offender?

And I've been trying to tell everyone, I've been trying to warn people

- and no one's fucking listening to me. - Well I don't think you did.

Now, he's in the fucking, he's in the hallway

and he's walking around and you've given him a fucking job.

I gave him a job.

- He is a sex pest. - Yeah.

Not only that, he's an Australian sex pest.

What? Well that doesn't add anything to it.

A sex offender's, a sex offender.

Yeah, but an Australian one.

Just so racist and fucking

They just get drunk. They get drunk and agro.

Yeah, we all wear thongs and go fishing.

- Yeah. Go surfing, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah and you're all fucking sex pests.

Okay, all right, now look, here's the plan, okay?

You gonna go and tell him he's fired?

- You'll help me? - No.

- Come on man. - No way.

He's a violent criminal.

Look, Vinnie, you're gonna go and tell him what's what,

and that's all there is to it, okay?

You know why they call him Squirrel, Jarred?

Well, cause he fossicks around covered in fur or something, I don't know.

Wrong mate. They call him Squirrel because in Australia,

if someone wrongs him, he cuts their fucking nuts off

and he hides them in the nooks of trees.

- My god. - You serious?

He's probably gonna be waiting for me somewhere, 'cause that's what he does.

He just waits places behind trees and stuff, you know.

See yous.

- Oi, dickhead. - Hey, fuck, you got to, Squirrel,

you've got to stop doing that.

What are you doing tonight?

Well, I got, I gotta do some homework for the students.

Yeah. Good, good, good.

Actually listen, I- I need to tell you something.

- Yeah. - Um...

There was a meeting earlier today.

Yeah, yeah.

And that job that they offered you?

Yeah.

They're, um, they're pulling the offer back.

Why is that?

I actually don't know the full ins and outs.

- Yeah. - But I heard when that,

I think they heard about the prison stuff.

- The prison? - Yeah.

What, did you say something?

- Hey? - Did you say something?

- Who? - You?

- Who? - You.

Did I say something?

Yeah.

Um, no.

- Yeah, I did. - Yeah, I thought you did.

- I'm sorry. - That's all right, buddy, eh?

I got something else on the go.

Just got a call from Bazza before.

- Yeah? - We got this idea, right?

Exporting coke from New Zealand to Bolivia.

- What do you reckon? - Why would you do that?

Well, it's fucking genius, mate.

They're always bringing it over from there,

- to here. - Right, yeah.

We get it from here, take it back.

The markup's huge, mate.

- We'll make a fucking fortune. - I feel like that's a bad plan.

- Like you're gonna lose a lot of money. - No, no, no, no.

- Hey. - Oh, hi.

- Home time. - Time to go, eh?

- I've got Zumba. - Oh, nice one, yeah, that'll be good.

Yeah. Feel good.

I'm going home, working on my personal budget.

Okay.

Doing a bit of saving?

- Trying. - Yeah.

Alright, well I'm gonna go, look after yourselves.

Oh, see you tomorrow.

No, you won't see me tomorrow

'cause I'm actually not gonna be back.

- Take it easy. - See you later, alright.

That's a shame.

Yeah, I don't know if I'm coming in tomorrow.

- Why? - Well, as a reliever,

you don't know until 8:30 on the morning of.

Oh, I see.

Anyway, bye, Sheree.

Goodbye.

[closing theme]

[Jarred] ? Educators, are you ready ?

? We are the teachers And we're proud to shout ?

? We're rough, we're tough We're powder puffs ?

? So come on, educators, do your stuff ?

Then you spell it. E-D-U-C.

And then you spell it out.

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