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1
00:00:01,901 --> 00:00:05,103
♪ Thank you for being a friend
2
00:00:05,105 --> 00:00:08,707
♪ Traveled down the roadand back again
3
00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:11,543
♪ Your heart is true
4
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:16,448
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
5
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,484
♪ And if you threw a party
6
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:23,321
♪ Invited everyone you knew
7
00:00:25,024 --> 00:00:28,360
♪ You would seethe biggest
giftwould be from me
8
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,296
♪ And the card attachedwould say
9
00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:37,535
♪ "Thank youfor being a friend" ♪
10
00:01:03,529 --> 00:01:05,797
Mm, smells good.
11
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,432
Here, Pussycat, taste this.
12
00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:12,637
Ooh! Ma... (groans)
13
00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:16,341
"Bring to a near boil."
Perfect.
14
00:01:18,076 --> 00:01:21,613
Ma, I could've burned my lips!
What are you doing?
15
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:25,684
My eyesight is going,
so I like a prank I can hear.
16
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:30,388
Rose Nylund, what is that giant
velvet painting of dogs playing poker
17
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,591
doing out on my front lawn?
18
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:36,460
Intriguing passersby,
if I know my art lovers.
19
00:01:36,462 --> 00:01:39,864
And the clothes
and the trunk and the boxes?
20
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:42,367
You're not havin'
a yard sale, are you?
21
00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:44,535
What's wrong with that?
Are you kidding?
22
00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:47,705
I don't want to have to deal with
400 people in Simpsons T-shirts
23
00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:52,310
trying to knock 25 cents off your
"I lost my ass in Vegas" cup.
24
00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:56,381
Is my cup out there?
I don't want to sell my cup.
25
00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:58,016
Come on, Blanche,
there's nothing wrong
26
00:01:58,018 --> 00:02:00,986
with Rose having
a yard sale. Right, Ma?
27
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:04,156
Here, Blanche, taste this. Ma!
28
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,857
Look, Rose, I just hate
the idea of a yard sale,
29
00:02:06,859 --> 00:02:09,860
but if you're really trying
to get rid of your stuff,
30
00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:12,464
I'll take it off your hands
for, say, $50.
31
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,031
OK, but a deal's a deal.
32
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:17,034
I don't want to hear you say you
didn't get your money's worth
33
00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:20,037
just because something
doesn't fit right or smells bad
34
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:23,208
or makes strangers
look at ya and giggle.
35
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:27,412
Good God, what do you have
in those boxes?
36
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:32,083
As we say in St. Olaf,
"crapola in a box."
37
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,351
(doorbell rings)
38
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,919
Excuse me.
39
00:02:34,921 --> 00:02:37,822
I can't stand her when
she's feeling her oats.
40
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:40,392
Rose, you're
a pretty sharp deal-maker.
41
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,927
We've all underestimated you.
42
00:02:42,929 --> 00:02:45,730
Now, come over here.
Taste this.
43
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,601
(Rose) Oh!
Ma, stop that!
44
00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:57,809
Hi, it's me
- Stan. Stanley, what do you want?
45
00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:00,512
Turn on your TV.
It is almost 6:28.
46
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,214
What's happening at 6:28?
47
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:05,150
You're gonna find out why Stan
Zbornak is now a very rich man.
48
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,285
What is it this time, Stanley?
49
00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:10,555
Whoopee cushions
for the hearing impaired?
50
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:14,626
It's not a novelty. It's a Zbornee.
What's a Zbornee?
51
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:18,630
I put up with it for 38 years, Rose.
You don't want to know.
52
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:22,434
It's not that, Dorothy.
I just used the same name.
53
00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:29,241
So what is it, Stanley? I'll show you.
It's time. Let me turn it up.
54
00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:32,009
(Stan on TV)Hi! It's me - Stan Zbornak,
55
00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:35,113
and you may be wonderingwhy I'm dressed like a potato.
56
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:38,283
That's what's different.
57
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:41,385
It's because I've inventedthe Zbornee,
58
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:43,721
America's firstbaked-potato opener.
59
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:47,392
Now you can open potatoeswithout burning your fingers.
60
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,328
No! It can't be done!
61
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,631
It can be done,
62
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,698
and for only 12.95.
63
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:57,868
Over half a million Zborneeshave already been sold.
64
00:03:57,870 --> 00:04:00,505
Call this toll-free number now.
65
00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:02,707
Remember, with the Zbornee,
66
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:06,410
(mouthing with TV)a day without
potatoesis unnecessary.
67
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:08,480
That's my line.
68
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:11,883
Hi, I'd like to order
the Zbornee.
69
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,652
Rose, will you hang that up?
70
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:17,555
Times 500 thous-
Stan, you're rich!
71
00:04:17,557 --> 00:04:20,825
(Blanche) Oh!
Congratulations.
72
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:23,060
I know I called you
a yutz in the past,
73
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,763
but what I didn't tell you
is that in Sicilian,
74
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:29,467
"yutz" means "Apollo."
75
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:31,136
Ma, will you stop that?
76
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:34,038
It wouldn't hurt you
to learn how to kiss up.
77
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,274
Stanley, one question.
78
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,477
If things are going so well,
what is it you want?
79
00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:42,247
Glad you asked, babe.
I need your help.
80
00:04:42,249 --> 00:04:45,149
I want to export
the Zbornee to Japan.
81
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:46,650
Our research shows
82
00:04:46,652 --> 00:04:49,688
the Japanese
actually hate rice,
83
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:53,525
but what they hate more is burning
their fingers on baked potatoes.
84
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:56,828
Anyway, Dorothy, a major Japanese
distributor is arriving next week.
85
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,597
Zbornco is throwing
a big reception for him.
86
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,866
I need a date.
I want you to go with me.
87
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,267
I'm sorry, Stan.
88
00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:06,771
There are other vegetables
I'd rather go out with.
89
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:09,808
Dorothy, I need someone
who's classy
90
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,177
who can handle
the rich and powerful.
91
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,812
Someone not too obviously sexy.
92
00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:21,118
Why don't you ask Merv Griffin?
93
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:25,423
Dorothy, look.
I called every woman in my Rolodex.
94
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:28,426
I'm down to the "Z"s.
That means it's either you or my mother.
95
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:31,996
Frankly Mom chews too loud
and still calls 'em "Japs."
96
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,132
What do you say, babe?
97
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,967
As they say in Japan,
sayonara, Stanley.
98
00:05:36,969 --> 00:05:39,570
That's another reason.
You know the language.
99
00:05:45,544 --> 00:05:46,744
Hi, Blanche.
100
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:49,247
Rose, you know all that stuff
you sold me?
101
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:52,350
That St. Olaf memorabilia and
the things from your childhood?
102
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,818
A lifetime of memories.
103
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:55,452
Yeah, that's it.
104
00:05:55,454 --> 00:05:57,454
Well, I came across these
105
00:05:57,456 --> 00:06:01,793
as I was tossing that junk
in the dumpster.
106
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:06,331
That's a St. Olaf war bond.
Charlie bought us those in '42.
107
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,533
I didn't realize
I still had those.
108
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,434
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me
109
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:12,103
that St. Olaf
printed its own war bonds?
110
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,739
Yes. Oh, we were
very patriotic.
111
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:16,840
In late '42, we wanted to fund
112
00:06:16,842 --> 00:06:19,143
the development
of a top-secret weapon
113
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:21,579
that we were sure
would end the war.
114
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:24,081
Attack cows.
115
00:06:29,522 --> 00:06:33,324
Take me now, Lord.
116
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:36,461
No one expects trouble
from a cow.
117
00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:40,198
The plan was, we would drop these
highly trained killer cows
118
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,200
behind the enemy lines.
119
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,602
It wasn't
till they were airborne
120
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:47,639
that we realized
a cow can't pull a rip cord.
121
00:06:49,608 --> 00:06:51,609
Well, the project
wasn't a total failure.
122
00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:55,346
If there's one thing the
Germans hate, it's a mess.
123
00:06:57,549 --> 00:07:00,517
Just tell me.
Is this damn bond worth anything?
124
00:07:00,519 --> 00:07:03,855
Well, yes. $1,000 -
$1,000?
125
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:07,192
Well, hot damn!
I have 49 more of 'em.
126
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,626
We're rich!
127
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:11,795
You're half right.
128
00:07:11,797 --> 00:07:15,600
Blanche, you just paid $50 for those.
You should split 'em.
129
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,869
Split 'em? Are you kiddin'?
Don't be crazy.
130
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,371
I paid for these
fair and square.
131
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:22,407
You said yourself,
all deals are final.
132
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:24,409
Charlie would want me
to have them.
133
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:27,078
George would want me
to keep 'em.
134
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,580
Don't try that with me,
Rose Nylund.
135
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:33,117
I'll match you dead husband
for dead husband.
136
00:07:34,386 --> 00:07:36,420
You are not
going to believe this.
137
00:07:36,422 --> 00:07:39,523
I told Stan I didn't want to go.
He sent me a kimono.
138
00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:42,626
Do you know what I would
look like in a kimono?
139
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,095
(giggling)
140
00:07:47,566 --> 00:07:51,135
No. I have no idea.
141
00:07:52,404 --> 00:07:54,338
And listen to this.
142
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:57,241
"Dear Dorothy,
in case you change your mind,
143
00:07:57,243 --> 00:08:00,244
"here are three things to
remember at the cocktail party.
144
00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:03,714
"Number one,
ask for more potatoes.
145
00:08:03,716 --> 00:08:11,321
"Number two, be appalled that Joe Isuzu
wasn't played by an Asian actor.
146
00:08:11,323 --> 00:08:16,560
"And number three, under no
circumstances walk on their backs.
147
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:21,032
"Even if they beg you...
and they will.
148
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:24,168
"I hope you'll reconsider.
Have a potato day.
149
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,672
See you later, tater.
Your spuddy, Stan."
150
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:30,908
I can't believe it.
(stammers) One beer.
151
00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:34,879
One beer in high school,
and my life is ruined.
152
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:38,082
He's trying to buy my love.
153
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:40,251
He's trying to buy
my kid's love.
154
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:43,855
If I had a dollar for every time
Stan has screwed up our lives...
155
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,157
Here you go, Pussycat.
156
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:49,526
Ma, where did you get that money?
Stan gave it to me.
157
00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:52,563
Ma, he's trying
to buy your love.
158
00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:54,598
I'm sellin' it.
159
00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,507
We cannot go on
living like this
160
00:09:03,509 --> 00:09:06,411
with Blanche and Rose
not speaking to each other.
161
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,580
So whatever the results of the
secret ballot, we go with it.
162
00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:12,483
No more arguments.
Agreed?
163
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,185
All right. Yes, yes.
164
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:17,622
OK, here we go.
"Split the money."
165
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:20,691
"Let Blanche keep it."
166
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:24,161
"Give it to the old lady." Yes!
167
00:09:25,597 --> 00:09:27,598
"Split the money."
168
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,435
Well, Blanche, looks like
the splits have it.
169
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:34,272
Big Daddy was right.
Women should not be allowed to vote.
170
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:37,575
If it's any consolation, when I wrote
down "Give it to the old lady,"
171
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,044
I did mean you.
172
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:41,812
(doorbell rings)
173
00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:47,151
Hi, it's me - Stan.
Hi, Stan. Come on in.
174
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:50,488
Oh, Stanley, how nice of you to stop by.
Bring me anything?
175
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:53,825
Of course. Now, who's my
gorgeous gray-haired gal?
176
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:56,727
It's me, isn't it, Stan?
You're right.
177
00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:59,230
Wow, a Game Boy!
178
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:01,332
Very nice.
179
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,434
It sure is.
Who's your favorite fella?
180
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,503
Sophia, who's your favorite
- Sophia.
181
00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:08,406
Yeah, yeah. Later.
182
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,476
Stanley, I want to talk about these gifts.
No need, babe.
183
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:14,311
Did you think the old stickman
could hit the jackpot
184
00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:17,014
and not share
with his very best used-to-be?
185
00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:19,817
Let me show you something.
Come on.
186
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:22,786
Pour vous, mon ex.
187
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:26,557
Oh, a new convertible!
Oh, it's gorgeous.
188
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,392
Stan, I am not driving around
189
00:10:28,394 --> 00:10:32,630
with license plates
that say "POTHEAD."
190
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,265
It's an abbreviation.
191
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:37,235
I didn't have room
for the whole "potato head."
192
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,871
I don't want your car.
I don't want your money.
193
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:42,272
I don't even want
to talk to you,
194
00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:44,341
much less go
to that ridiculous reception.
195
00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:47,011
So why don't you just
take a hint and go away?
196
00:10:48,279 --> 00:10:50,014
Just a minute, Dorothy.
197
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:52,516
I am sick and tired
of being dumped on by you.
198
00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:55,018
Yes, I screwed up our marriage.
We all know that.
199
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:57,020
But I wasn't a yutz
for all of those years.
200
00:10:57,022 --> 00:10:59,457
There were some good times
before things went wrong.
201
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:03,227
Until I found out about them.
202
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:06,864
Old news, Dorothy. This time I came up a winner.
Things have changed.
203
00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:09,000
Hey, Stan,
I'm her legal guardian.
204
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:12,537
We'll take the car.
Stanley, I think you'd better leave.
205
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:15,406
I thought I could make up for some
mistakes, but you won't let me.
206
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:18,375
You have an image
of what a Stan Zbornak is.
207
00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:21,479
No matter how he's changed,
you'll never see a new man.
208
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:25,483
Don't worry. Won't bother you
with any gifts anymore.
209
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:28,786
In fact, from now on,
I won't bother you at all.
210
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:35,826
Hey, Stan,
could I be "POTHEAD"?
211
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:49,407
Did you call St. Olaf?
What do we have to do to cash the bonds?
212
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:52,410
I'm not gonna beat around the bush.
I'm gonna tell you straight out.
213
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:55,213
Once upon a time, there was
an ant and a grasshopper...
214
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,114
Oh, my God.
215
00:11:57,116 --> 00:11:59,350
They're not gonna
redeem the bonds.
216
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:03,454
Oh, they want to, but the city would
have to liquidate all its assets.
217
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,590
St. Olaf would be bankrupt.
218
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:08,993
And this affects me how?
219
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:10,494
Don't you understand?
220
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:12,863
If we take that money,
there won't be any left
221
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:14,899
for the police cars
and the fire trucks
222
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:18,869
and the children's
Cheese Museum.
223
00:12:20,672 --> 00:12:25,176
You have a museum where
children go to look at cheese?
224
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:28,946
Hey, it beats learning about it
in the streets.
225
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:32,116
Oh, Sophia, no bingo tonight?
226
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:35,119
I'm staying home, trying
to recapture my lost youth.
227
00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:37,255
I see you haven't got it.
228
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:43,360
Today I saw something that shook
up everything I ever believed in -
229
00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:46,230
Stan Zbornak with a backbone.
230
00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:48,399
Oh, it really was a surprise.
231
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,201
It's Dorothy
who has me worried.
232
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:52,103
She just looked so confused.
233
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,805
I can't figure out her problem.
234
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,139
I'm having a little
trouble with that myself.
235
00:12:56,141 --> 00:12:57,975
Pussycat, what's so terrible
236
00:12:57,977 --> 00:13:00,177
about accepting
a present from Stan?
237
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:02,480
God knows he gave us
all plenty of misery.
238
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,615
Maybe he's trying
to tell you he's sorry.
239
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:08,419
I have to admit,
Stan was pretty amazing today.
240
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:11,189
Did you see the way
he stood up for himself?
241
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,858
This is not the same guy
who screamed,
242
00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:17,361
"Paint my toenails!
We've just invaded Korea!"
243
00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:24,501
It was kind of... attractive.
244
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:27,972
Oh, but I don't know.
It's so hard to trust him.
245
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,741
I know what it's like to trust
somebody who's betrayed you.
246
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:36,113
You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St.
Olaf story about this.
247
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:40,284
I believe you.
I just hate you.
248
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:44,688
Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker,
St. Olaf's tallest woman...
249
00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:47,758
Of course, nobody ever
made fun of her for that.
250
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:51,529
Anyway, when Old Space Needle
was in high school...
251
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:56,167
...she drank
some cherry herring
252
00:13:56,169 --> 00:14:01,372
and made love in the backseat
of a Fjord Fjairlane...
253
00:14:03,075 --> 00:14:06,210
Local car.
Ah.
254
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:10,848
And she got in trouble, if you
know what I mean, Dorothy.
255
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:15,353
Knukendup und schvingle.
256
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:18,055
She knows what you mean.
257
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:21,758
Anyway, her boyfriend,
Yutz Hernsberg,
258
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:26,764
St. Olaf's only bald high school
student, had to marry her.
259
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:29,000
Why would she marry
a guy like that?
260
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:31,134
Because I was young.
261
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,141
I... I'm sorry -
I'm sorry, Rose.
262
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:40,278
This is your story.
Go-Go on. Go on.
263
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:44,315
Well, anyway, after 38 years of
marriage and a painful divorce,
264
00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:46,083
he finally came back,
265
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:49,420
having invented
Hernsberg's Press-on Warts.
266
00:14:51,556 --> 00:14:55,559
Who bought those?
Hags, mostly.
267
00:14:57,996 --> 00:15:01,866
Don't you see? He was successful
and he wanted Gunilla back.
268
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:05,169
Well, what happened
to her, Rose?
269
00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:07,037
Skylab fell on her.
270
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:13,177
What is the point
of this story?!
271
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:16,380
Be thankful for your health.
272
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:23,821
This whole St. Olaf problem
is my fault.
273
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,590
I can't believe
I forgot I had those bonds.
274
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,993
How could I be so stupid?
275
00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:31,628
Maybe it was something you ate.
276
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:33,798
Like food.
277
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:37,667
Oh, come on, honey, you're
getting worked up over nothing.
278
00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:39,903
I mean, Blanche is
petty and selfish,
279
00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:44,308
but I don't think she would
actually bankrupt a whole town.
280
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:45,943
God, I look good in diamonds.
281
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:50,848
Say hello to my four new
best friends. Hello.
282
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:54,151
They're just on loan from the jeweler
until I decide which one I want to keep.
283
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:57,121
You know, the good thing about
me is, although I am petite,
284
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,589
I can carry a large stone.
285
00:16:01,259 --> 00:16:04,128
Blanche, don't you even care
about these people at all?
286
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:07,898
Of course I do, darling.
But just look at how these catch the light.
287
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:10,968
Oh, I just wish I knew
the right thing to do.
288
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,938
You know, maybe you should sit down
and think about the pros and cons.
289
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:17,174
Whenever I don't know
what to do, I make a list.
290
00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:20,811
I think making a pro-and-con
list is a wonderful idea.
291
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,980
Here. It'll help you know
the right thing to do.
292
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,916
All right, let's see.
Pro, cashing the bonds.
293
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,518
I get stuff.
294
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:31,389
Con - St. Olaf, a small town,
faces financial ruin.
295
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:34,392
Well, that doesn't help
clear anything up.
296
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:37,495
Wait a minute, Blanche.
There's another con.
297
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:42,299
This is wrong. Now, come on, we're family.
We always stick together.
298
00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:44,468
We may not always get along,
299
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,705
but we've always been there
when we've needed each other.
300
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,907
Now, look.
This is important to Rose,
301
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:53,210
and I think we need
to stand behind her.
302
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:57,648
I mean, you're taking away
a part of her, her home.
303
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,985
Granted, it's the cradle
of idiocy.
304
00:17:03,221 --> 00:17:06,189
I have a frog buried there.
305
00:17:07,826 --> 00:17:09,527
All right, all right.
306
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,328
The bonds are
in my safety-deposit box.
307
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,464
I'll give 'em to you
this afternoon.
308
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,033
Blanche, thank you.
309
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,435
On behalf of the people
of St. Olaf,
310
00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:20,604
I'd like to do
a thank-you dance.
311
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:25,776
I'll need a pot and a sheet,
a rubber band and a spoon.
312
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,344
Making a drum?
313
00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:30,380
I guess you could.
314
00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:34,552
Milk or lemon?
315
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,254
Scotch.
316
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:38,489
Forget it, Ma.
317
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:41,358
What are you saving me for?
318
00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:47,564
OK, Rose, here they are.
Here are the bonds.
319
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:50,267
Dorothy, I want to thank
you for helping me buy
320
00:17:50,269 --> 00:17:52,535
$25,000 worth of peace of mind.
321
00:17:52,537 --> 00:17:54,738
Oh, Blanche, thank you.
322
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:58,175
I just got off the phone with
the city fathers of St. Olaf,
323
00:17:58,177 --> 00:18:00,377
and it's been
unanimously decided -
324
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:03,147
they are going to build a statue
to Blanche Devereaux
325
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:06,016
right in the middle
of Mrs. Olsen Square.
326
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:09,820
A statue. Oh, my.
Is it going to be a big one?
327
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:13,790
Hey! St. Olaf license plates don't say
"Big Statue Country" for nothing.
328
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,059
Ooh!
329
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:17,428
Well, all right, that does it.
330
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,963
You're all my witnesses.
331
00:18:19,965 --> 00:18:22,933
Oh, speech! Speech!
Wait, wait.
332
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,836
Wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
333
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:30,107
If St. Olaf is flat broke, how are
they going to pay for this statue?
334
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:34,244
Every penny comes out of the
$500,000 Emergency Statue Fund.
335
00:18:38,549 --> 00:18:41,118
$500,000?
336
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:45,055
Oh, but you can't touch that fund
unless it's a real statue emergency.
337
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,024
(doorbell rings)
338
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,392
I'm sorry, Blanche.
339
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:51,928
I've given you some
really bad advice here.
340
00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:59,970
Stanley, if you're here to beg me again
to go to that reception, forget it.
341
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,973
Hey, Stanley Zbornak
does not beg, OK?
342
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,843
I'm a man. I have
my self-respect, my dignity.
343
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:09,780
Then why are you here?
I need you to tie my tie.
344
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:12,983
Come on, Stanley.
I don't know how to do it, all right?
345
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,985
The Japanese
are gonna be insulted
346
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,988
if they think I already did
my Sinatra impression.
347
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,157
Are you gonna help me or not?
348
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:25,996
This reminds me of the first
time I ever did this.
349
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,098
Night of our senior prom.
350
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,532
Yeah, remember?
351
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:32,069
It took so long
to get the tie fixed,
352
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:35,772
by the time we got to the
drugstore, it was closed.
353
00:19:41,646 --> 00:19:43,647
I remember. I remember.
354
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:46,650
(hoarsely) God, Dorothy!
355
00:19:46,652 --> 00:19:48,418
Remember our wedding day?
356
00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:51,087
I made you do this even though
you thought it'd be bad luck
357
00:19:51,089 --> 00:19:53,089
for me to see you
before the ceremony.
358
00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:56,160
What a silly superstition.
359
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:59,530
You know, Dorothy,
all those years of marriage,
360
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:03,334
through all the struggles, the one
thing I wanted was to be a success.
361
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:07,638
Suddenly I have all the success
I want, and it scares me.
362
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,375
I keep waiting for a knock at the door. "Hi, it's me
- Failure."
363
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,410
And I'm scared
to face it alone.
364
00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:16,746
What I'm trying to say is,
I need your help Dorothy,
365
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:18,982
like I did
when we were together.
366
00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:24,154
So, what do you think?
367
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:27,757
I hate to admit it,
but you look good.
368
00:20:29,193 --> 00:20:32,863
Well, wish me luck.
369
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:34,297
Uh, Stanley,
370
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:37,368
why don't you come back
here in about an hour?
371
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,937
Why? It'll take me a
while to get ready.
372
00:20:39,939 --> 00:20:42,139
Oh, thank you, Dorothy.
373
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:45,141
Besides, I'll need someone
to fasten my pearls.
374
00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:47,611
Aw, babe.
The ones I gave you?
375
00:20:47,613 --> 00:20:50,380
No, sweetheart.
The real ones.
376
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,094
Explain it to me again,
Blanche.
377
00:21:05,096 --> 00:21:08,365
Rose, look, if there's
$500,000 in the statue fund,
378
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:12,001
why can't they just take
50,000 of it to save the town?
379
00:21:12,003 --> 00:21:14,338
Because that's
the statue money.
380
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:18,108
Well, there won't be anywhere to put
the statue if there's no town left.
381
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,810
Wow. A loophole!
Oh...
382
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:25,349
Hi, it's me -
Dorothy and Stan.
383
00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:26,784
Oh, hi.
How'd it go?
384
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,184
Ah, it was great.
385
00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:31,155
Those Japanese sure know
how to have fun.
386
00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:33,390
What was that crazy dance
called again?
387
00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:36,660
They were bowing, Stanley.
388
00:21:36,662 --> 00:21:40,864
Wild. They were just wild.
They loved you, Dorothy.
389
00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:45,636
No, they loved you, except, of
course, for those Hirohito jokes.
390
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:47,371
Too soon?
391
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,941
Rose, do you think
we can go call St. Olaf now,
392
00:21:50,943 --> 00:21:53,711
and you can explain it to them
the way I explained it to you?
393
00:21:53,713 --> 00:21:56,846
Well, we could try. We might not
be able to get a hold of anybody.
394
00:21:56,848 --> 00:21:58,915
It's "Everybody Hide the Corn"
day.
395
00:22:01,519 --> 00:22:03,520
It was a perfect reception.
396
00:22:03,522 --> 00:22:05,456
For once,
everything was perfect.
397
00:22:05,458 --> 00:22:07,791
It was you, babe.
You charmed them.
398
00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:09,159
You were pretty impressive
yourself.
399
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:11,928
You gave them
a respectable soft sell
400
00:22:11,930 --> 00:22:15,499
and you made a deal that's
gonna profit both sides.
401
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:18,535
You've come a long way...
Zbornee.
402
00:22:18,537 --> 00:22:21,237
Thanks, babe.
403
00:22:21,239 --> 00:22:23,674
Well, I...
I better be going.
404
00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:25,174
It was a good evening.
405
00:22:25,176 --> 00:22:28,912
Zbornak and Zbornak.
What a team.
406
00:22:28,914 --> 00:22:31,214
Maybe we can do it again
sometime.
407
00:22:32,817 --> 00:22:34,451
Maybe.
408
00:22:34,453 --> 00:22:36,119
Thanks, babe.
409
00:22:36,121 --> 00:22:37,520
Dorothy.
410
00:23:02,046 --> 00:23:05,949
Dorothy, you're gonna send me
to an early grave.
411
00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:11,187
Too late, Ma. Good night.
32766
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