Original subtitles

Nice shirt.

How am I being unpleasant?

Well, you're not being unpleasant,

But you are making this an unpleasant situation

Instead of making it an erotic one like I am.

Yeah, really erotic, Colin.

I mean, again, you don't seem to grasp

That we could be talking about 48,

Maybe even 72 hours without me here.

So you might want to... You might want to think

About some passion occurring, like, immediately.

Why are you even helping your sister?

I thought you and your parents hated J.R.

We do. But, you know,

She asked for a favor, and I said yes.

You don't have any siblings, so you have no frame of reference

For what it's like when one of them asks for a favor.

You know, like I said, two, maybe even three days,

So this is definitely a great opportunity for us to share something wonderful.

Come on. Can we please stop arguing

And start enjoying one another's company in a very real way?

Can't even negotiate for a hand-Job or something?

What do you suggest I do with this massive

Black-Man-Sized erection I made special just for you?

That's racist. What did we talk about with you saying racist jokes?

That you love it? By the way, that was a compliment

To any black man with a large penis, which is all of them, so...

Colin, you should change your pants.

Those are dirty and ugly.

Colin!

Is your sister here already?

What? No.

No, you didn't just hear her yell my name.

That's just actually what I would like you to be doing

During the passion we'll be sharing momentarily.

I'll walk you out.

Colin!

Let's go!

Oh, don't you look like a movie star.

- Oh, thanks. - So do you.

So, this must be important for you to drag your brother into it.

It is, actually. It's college-Related.

You probably wouldn't understand.

I heard you were living with your professor,

And dating him, and then he threw you out.

Good-Bye, Colin. Good-Bye, J.R. It's been a real pleasure.

Yeah, the movie star I meant was the bathtub monster in the shining.

Have a nice day. Blow me, J.R.

Done.

Good-Bye, my sweetness.

I'll call you. She gave me the finger.

Or me. Gave us the finger.

No. Maybe it was you. Probably you.

How long have you guys been together?

Like, three and a half... Months?

Years. Ugh!

But it feels like at least four.

Here. You drive. Please?

What? Please?

What the hell is all this crap? This isn't crap.

How am I supposed to enjoy driving on this trip

If this car is full of all this garbage?

It's not that messy. What is this? Why is this in the driver's seat?

Give it back. Colin, give it back. What is this?

- Ugh! Stop it. - You're so annoying.

What do you mean, "what is this"? This is my vision board.

What is a vision board? What is this giant piece of shit covered in pictures of you?

They say if you put your hopes and dreams out on paper, they're more likely to come true.

Who says? Jesus Christ. Experts.

Why does it say the word "Moses" next to a drawing?

That's my celebrity crush. You wouldn't understand. You have no hopes and dreams.

How about we forget about all this and stay here tonight, have dinner with mom and dad?

We can leave first thing in the morning. That way, we don't drive when it's dark.

What do you think I wanna do? I think we should stick...

Leave right now. Leave right now. That's what I was going to say.

No!

I have to pee. Can I help you?

Hello, kind sir, and god bless.

We are gonna need one room for the night.

The cheapest room you've got, please.

The cheapest room we have is the smallest.

Okay. It's a single,

And we don't allow coeds to co-Habitate

Unless they are married.

Uh, that shouldn't be a problem. We're brother and sister.

No funny business here.

Brother and sister? That's foul.

In a way, that's even worse than if you were

A couple sinful... Sinful kids up to no good.

Um, well, no, actually, we are married.

We have the same last name because we are married.

Yeah. Ha-Ha. We're just aspiring comedians

And like to make jokes in holy places. Taking our act on the road here.

Look at us now. Uh, yeah.

Take out your I.D., My precious husband. Yeah, let me see some I.D.

Yeah, we have a wonderful marriage.

Sometimes I... So happy.

So happy I can't stop smiling.

Most of the time, my face hurts.

Oh, my god. Do you think he's fooled?

Of course he's not fooled. Just shut up and let me do the rest of the talking.

What, are we in, like, the... Don't say anything else.

How come you ain't got no wedding rings?

This actually is a wedding ring. And I sold mine to buy...

He sold his to buy drugs for kids. Medicine for sick children.

In Chernobyl. There's a lot of sick kids... In some other country.

We've given them so much, they're pretty much ungrateful at this point.

You kids look an awful lot alike. You sure you're married?

Who wouldn't want to marry and live with this person

The rest of their god-Given life?

I remember when my wife and I... We got married.

Uh-Huh. I was 15, she was 14.

How romantic. Had our first child... 17.

16.

And 16 is a, uh, good age

For a girl to have a baby.

That's what I hear.

But you don't need to hear about my life story.

No, we don't. Shh.

Yes, we would love to hear your life story

As soon as we get some rest.

All right. Well,

You pay at the door at the end.

You need to leave a $20 deposit.

I don't have any cash.

You better make it 40.

Wait a minute.

Let me see you two lovebirds kiss.

Why would we have to kiss?

Because our policy.

I need to see married couples kiss.

Is that an actual sign that you use?

Yes.

Did you make that sign by hand just before we got here?

No. What would Jesus do?

He would sleep in the car. No, he wouldn't. Um, sure.

Uh, why would we do anything other than express our love

And devotion to...

bless you, and keep you.

Very nice.

How do you feel about that?

I get to do that every night of my life,

And possibly after death, if you believe in that,

Which I do, of course. Very nice.

Have a good night.

Thanks. God bless.

And god bless.

Was it really that bad, pretending to kiss me?

The sad thing is you're not the first boy

To throw up after kissing me.

It's something I ate.

Something awful... Awful that I ate.

You know what's weird? I don't think I've thrown up in, like, 12 years.

Isn't that kind of an impressive record?

What, is that, like, something you have to brag about?

Like, that's a skill? Like, oh, I have a superior digestive system.

Reward me, please. Oh, I have good hearing.

I taught myself how to have good hearing. Ridiculous.

Can you smell this bible?

Get that out of my face. I just threw up.

Wait a minute.

"If a man mates with an animal,

He shall surely be put to death, and you shall kill the animal."

That doesn't seem fair to the animal. Wha...

Did you bring all those gargoyles here?

You couldn't be away from them for three days?

Well, I'm not permitted to display them when Zoe's around.

She thinks they watch her sleep. Gross. Who would want to watch her sleep?

We just got this one on my trip to Puerto Rico,

And I've been excited to display it. Wait.

Why were you in Puerto Rico? Were you deported?

Mom and dad got a family vacation package,

And they took me and Zoe on this really nice all-Expenses paid vacation.

Why didn't they bring me? I totally could have come.

Because they don't like you.

And I think the exact words were:

"I want this vacation to be relaxing and pleasant,

Not a humungous pain in the ass like it will be if J.R. Is around."

I can honestly say at no point did anyone ever say

It would have been more fun had you been there. You know what?

I'm sure mom and dad didn't invite me because they know I don't like the ocean.

Of course I wouldn't wanna have fun on a cruise. I'm sure that's it.

It wasn't a cruise, by the way. It was a beachside resort with a pool.

Have you ever sat in a pool and looked at the ocean? It's lovely.

Why wouldn't they want me there? I have so many wonderful things going on.

First of all, I'm their only child. I've got that over you.

Second of all, I'm a wonderful person.

That is so nonsensically untrue, I don't even know where to begin.

The first child is always the favorite.

Right. But the first child's not the only child. "Only child" means only child.

Number two, I'm a wonderful person.

Number three, I'm an aspiring actress.

You know what I think it is? No one wanted to listen to you

Talk about living with your professor in a den of sin.

I don't think anyone wanted to hear about that.

I think we wanted to go down there and concentrate on the breeze

And the pina coladas and not your emotional turmoil

And your pathetic shambled life.

You are such a jerk.

You know, I should have thrown up all over this floor

To prove my point to that Jesus freak clerk.

And what point might that be? That you love him?

That I think his policies are bullshit,

And this pile of vomit on the floor is a representation of my feelings.

Well, if you'd thrown up all over the floor,

We'd have to sleep in a room with vomit all over the floor.

Did you ever think about that, Einstein?

No. No, buddy, I didn't.

But if I have to do it again,

I'm going to throw up all over the floor in the morning.

You're throwing up all over the floor, not just in one spot?

Yes. Absolutely. I'm gonna stand on the bed and spin around.

It's going to be like a lawn sprinkler but with puke just everywhere.

Shh. Oh, my god. Do you hear that?

Hear what?

I don't hear anything? Is that what I think it is?

Maybe you do have better hearing. Shh.

Ew. Having loud sex in a motel room. So cliche.

I bet they're fat. I should go tell the manager.

It's probably him having some gross sex with a blonde woman.

This has got to be against the policies of this Christian establishment.

A minute ago, you said you wanted to throw up all over the room

In response to his hateful policies.

Now you want to snitch? This is different.

How is this different? Because this affects me.

- Me. I'm tired. - "Me."

I'm not gonna be able to sleep with this noise.

Well, lucky for you, I think it just ended.

How sad. He was a quick... Quick to come.

Colin? What?

Do you believe in ghosts?

I don't know. No.

I wonder if there's, like, gay ghosts.

And if there's gay ghosts, do you think they go "Boo"?

- I'm going to say good night now. - Boooo!

Is that seductive?

You missed quite the continental breakfast.

Shh.

I burned the roof of my mouth on a piece of toast.

I didn't even know that was possible.

Colin, just stop it.

All right, all right. I'm up. I'm up.

I'm up. Stop. You're so annoying.

You and Zoe didn't tell mom or dad,

Like, why I needed you this weekend, did you?

No. Okay, good.

They don't care about you anyway.

Yes, they do. Stop it with that.

Why wouldn't they care about me? The fact that you were living with some creepy,

Gross professor man nearly twice your age,

And he threw you out, and you dropped out of school,

And now you have nowhere to go, and you're picking me up... all right.

I'll have you know that creepy professor man that you're referring to

Is one of the top broadcast journalism professors in the entire state.

I am clearly on a fast track to a career in broadcasting. He got you all those great jobs,

All those wonderful auditions, all those pathetic events

You're always going to with your dumb little headshot.

Yeah, you have so many jobs now because of him.

That's why nobody likes you. You're too successful to hang out with us.

You're so successful I forget. I forget sometimes how successful you are,

Because that's all we talk about sitting around the dinner table is what a success you are.

Wah, wah, wah. You're so funny. I don't understand.

Anyone you could have asked, why me? You must know two dozen people.

I don't want to involve more people than is necessary.

I don't need a million people to help me carry a few stupid boxes.

I just need one person. Is that because you want to keep it hush-Hush,

Or because you're ashamed and embarrassed at how this is ending?

If you didn't want to come, you could've stayed at home with your gross girlfriend.

I'm having a great time. I'm trying to bring you on a fun trip.

I'm having a lovely time. Sure. You just threw up the first five minutes on it.

Well, that's your fault. Of anyone...

It's my fault. I thought you said it was food poisoning... I'm shocked you asked me.

Whatever. There must be a reason you asked me, and I don't know what it is yet.

Colin, I asked you because I trust you with my stuff,

And mainly because you have nobody important to tell.

How was the room?

It was great. I'm sure if all goes according to plan,

We'll be naming a child after the avalanche express lodge

In about nine months.

God bless you.

Hello. I heard somebody having a good night last night,

If you know what I'm...

♪ I'm a wholesome blonde woman

♪ beautiful blonde woman by day ♪

♪ And an Aryan sex machine by night ♪

♪ Walking and talking

♪ sashaying out of the parking lot ♪

♪ 'Cause I didn't have multiple orgasms, I only had one ♪

♪ Wah

What's this all about? Oh, uh, nothing.

Just making small talk with the locals.

Um, can we go now? Yes.

But can you drive this time? I'm, like, so tired.

I'm not used to getting up this early.

It's 11:00. That's early.

Fine. But just stay awake so I don't have to drive by myself.

Yeah, I'll stay awake. I'll entertain you with my wit and charm

The entire ride, I promise.

I'm gonna go use the bathroom. Gross.

It's not that I've given up.

There's just more important things to me right now

Than doing whatever I feel like every day, like you do.

So you're gonna live with mom and dad and your girlfriend in an attic the rest of your life?

I have a low cost of living. It's smart business.

It's pathetic and boring. Why do you care?

Because you could be doing something fun with you life. I am doing something fun.

Living somewhere interesting. I am doing something interesting.

No, you're not. You're doing something you're okay with doing.

That's so sad. That's, like, the worst existence.

Wait. What... I've known you your entire life, and you've never,

Ever said that you wanted to work...

Wait. What exactly do you even do? You don't even know.

I write the copy for focus group presentations. It's fun and cool.

I'm bored already. Whatever happened to being a writer?

Isn't that the whole reason you went to school? No, no.

You can't just be a writer. It's too pathetic to be an aspiring writer.

It has such a negative connotation to it. I'd rather be

A successful tollbooth operator than an aspiring anything.

That's so bleak and pathetic. A better idea is to do what you do...

Sleep until noon, leave the house three days a week,

Deplete your savings while you chase down pathetic weather girl jobs.

It's my money. I can do whatever I want with it. Just spend it.

Auditions take a lot of time. A lot of time. A couple of hours a day

In between all the daydreaming and the napping. I do stuff.

I don't know why you think you're so special. Because I am special.

I don't know why you think you don't have to work and everybody else does.

You make me, mom, dad, and my girlfriend,

Sick to our stomachs every single time you come up in conversation.

♪ For he's a jolly good patron

♪ for he's a jolly good patron

♪ And a special birthday guy

♪ A special

♪ birthday guy

I'm going to eat this,

But only because I'm very hungry,

And it looks delicious.

I have to go somewhere and change this. I am not wearing this.

Why? It's a perfectly nice shirt. You look lovely.

Colin, I look like I had an abortion on my shirt.

I can't wear this.

Oh, yeah. It does kind of look like that.

Is anybody out there? Just me.

Okay. How does this look? Does this look better?

Well, it has less food on it, if that's what you're going for. Ugh!

Could you get me the gray one with the collar from the car?

I thought I was watching the door because it won't lock. Colin, go, please.

Thank god.

Hey, I got... Ugh! Just get in here.

Okay.

What, haven't you ever seen a pair of beautiful bosoms before?

Not yours. Jesus Christ. No, thanks.

Don't be modest.

You should learn modesty a little bit.

You should learn modesty. Took you long enough to come back here.

What were you doing out there? I'm going to throw up if you keep talking.

Buying a Slurpee? Fasten this for me, please.

I can't reach it. Can you fasten my shirt, asshole?

Stop it, goddamn it.

God, I hope I gave the professor the clap.

I hope you didn't.

I probably didn't. I don't actually know what the clap is.

It just sounds old-timey and itchy.

Sorry.

Does this collar look weird peter pan-Y or good?

Uh, I don't get the reference.

There. Okay. Does this look better? I don't know. Whatever.

Do I look barely legal in a mature way? I don't know. Who cares?

This isn't even worth it. I want him to see what he's missing.

You're going to move a bunch of your shit out.

You shouldn't be dressed in sexy heels and shorts.

So I do look sexy. Good. You should be wearing jeans

And one of those moving belts the guys wrap around their abdomen.

You think I should be wearing a tool belt to go to the professor's house?

You think that's necessary? Not a tool belt.

Those things with the suspenders that are made of leather

That you see people wearing when they're moving furniture

So they don't throw their back out.

I can't imagine you being less helpful right now.

You can go. Fine. I'm going.

Have fun in there doing whatever you're gonna do.

Do you remember that babysitter we had

When we were, like, seven and nine? We had a few.

You mean the one that talked like this?

Or the one who would pull our ears really creepily seductively?

Earlobe one. Why, did she, like, molest you or something?

Uh, I don't think so.

I mean, I think I would've remembered if I had been molested.

Not necessarily. I mean, most children that get molested

Usually repress it until they're, like, much older and in therapy.

If I was molested, then you were definitely molested.

You've always been a hot commodity in the world of perverts.

Thanks. Remember that guy with the handlebar moustache

Who worked with dad?

Uh, oh, yeah. You mean uncle randy?

Why? What about him? That guy wasn't our uncle.

What? Yes, he was. See? You're a hot commodity in the world of perverts.

That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Thank you. Anyway, my point is,

I've been thinking about this woman a lot lately.

I feel like she might have given me my first erection.

Is that a weird thing to have remembered now? Ooh, boner appetit.

Uh, not really. I'm just surprised it wasn't the one that

Talked like this

That gave you your first erection.

She would have been mine. Do you have a point?

Yeah, I do have a point. My point is, you were definitely molested.

You just seem like the type. Don't look at my crotch when you say "molested."

I'm gonna look at your crotch and say that. Molested.

Hey, it's me.

J.R.

It's J.R. Hello.

We're, like, about 20 minutes away.

We'll be there in a little bit, okay?

I mean, I guess we can wait an hour,

But that's kind of annoying.

All right. Look, when we get inside,

I'm probably gonna need a minute with my professor alone,

So if you can... Why do you still call him your professor?

It's not like you're walking into office hours. Just call him your ex-Boyfriend.

Are you really starting this now? No. I just think it's weird

That you still refer to him like he's in some position of esteem

Even though the guy has revealed himself to be nothing but a creep.

Okay, fine. Neil. I'll call him Neil. Just... All right.

When we get in there, don't say anything, don't do anything.

Your job is to be silent as a mime.

Just hang out in the guest room and pretend you're invisible, okay?

Oh, son of a bitch.

I, uh... I told you to wait.

So, what, are you, dating the guy now?

The guy out there?

Yeah.

Must be going well. He seems like a really charming,

Upstanding individual.

He's really smart, actually,

And a great listener.

Is that Colin, I guess? I see the resemblance.

Please, let's not bring him into this.

Okay. It seems like maybe you brought him into this.

Right? You want to talk, I mean, talk.

I mean, I don't need to be reminded

How much being around you is like babysitting.

I don't need to be reminded how much hanging out with you

Feels like I'm at a geriatric facility.

Let's not do "he said, she said," okay?

I don't want to play that. I'd rather this experience

End on a positive note so that I can harbor

Some sort of nostalgia for our situation.

"Situation"? Is that really what you'd call it?

Really, can you... oh, sorry. Sorry.

You can't handle me being on your level, can you?

I'd hardly call it a relationship. Would you?

I thought so, at the time, yeah. Really?

I sort of thought of it as, like, kind of a continuation

Of our sort of, uh,

Mentor-Pupil thing we had going during the enrollment in our class.

Yeah, you're such a great broadcasting professor, by the way.

Thanks for getting me all those jobs that you seemed to promise me.

Thanks. No problem.

I could tell you needed a strong male figure the minute we met. I'm not gonna deny you that.

Does your daughter have a strong male figure in her life?

We don't talk about my family, remember?

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Why are we not allowed to talk about your family again?

Is that because you're too ashamed to admit what a loser you are

When you remove yourself from a room full of students half your age?

I'm starting to think we're not gonna have

That one last conversation I was hoping for.

I don't even know what to say.

You want to eradicate any kind of hope I would have

To maybe, like, go out smiling with this thing we had?

I'm not being dramatic. It's no big deal. You came in here all amped up.

I wasn't expecting to come in here and see you with some random girl that you...

Fair.

Well, you will be missed. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll miss you. I'll really miss you.

I'll miss your insecurities, no question about that.

Sort of suitable for a 14... 12-Year old, 14-Year old...

Oh, yeah. That two-Year age difference. I'll miss that.

I'll miss having to hold my breath while we have sex.

I gave you dozens of orgasms. "Dozens of orgasms"?

I feel like I could've used that stupid sex tape

We made on your digital camera as, like, part of my acting reel.

That's how fake it was. You have an acting reel?

You were making that while you were watching reality T.V.?

I mean, w-W... I don't know anything about that.

I do work. It's not like I'm just sitting here.

Maybe if you spent more time with me, I wouldn't be home watching T.V.

I cannot believe that I... I have to use the bathroom.

This is retarded. Are you crying now?

No, I'm not crying. I'm allergic to your stupid cat.

Another cliche. I mean...

Being allergic to cats is a cliche? Yeah, it's a huge cliche.

No, like, girls like you always, like, are allergic to cats. That's a given.

"Girls like you." Yeah.

What does that even mean? Like, are there any, like, girls

Who are, like, remotely, like, okay-Looking who aren't, like, nuts?

I mean, do those girls exist? Where are they?

As in, like, faking orgasms, speaking of cliches.

Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. Sorry I'm not original like you.

What if for once, like, instead of, like, asking, like, daddy to take care of you,

You actually, like, learned to take care of yourself?

Is that an option? You definitely didn't take care of me.

How did you take care of me?

I don't know. Did you ever, like, reach for a check when it came?

Did that ever happen even once? You never took me to a restaurant that was over $12.

So I don't think I should feel obligated to pay the check.

You're a full-Time professor. No, seriously. Seriously, answer the question first.

Answer that question, and then we'll just go on. Okay.

Did you ever reach for a check? No. I never did.

That's what I'm talking about when I say, "I took care of you."

I have to use the bathroom. Excuse me.

So stupid.

Bitch.

I can't believe I allowed you to, like,

Have this freaking fantasy that we were, like, dating,

And, like, a couple or something.

It's just, like, ridiculous.

Yeah, yeah. What, am I making you uncomfortable?

Could you get your things, like...

Oh, yeah. Like, I have so much stuff.

It's really taking up so much room in your house.

Yeah, it's taking up psychic energy in my house.

Ooh, psychic energy. Yeah.

Why don't you burn sage when I leave?

Why don't you have your blonde whatever burn sage?

Anyway, do you want to sit back down, or is that...

You're kind of taking up a lot of space there.

I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable. A little bit.

I don't know. Like, when I think back on what we had,

All I think about is, like, you, like, wasting my time,

Spending my money, eating my food, ET cetera. Fuck you!

Look, I don't have to deal with this!

I'm just here to get my stuff!

Like, when I think of you, I think of "ET cetera."

You're just, like, a huge waste of my time.

You were a huge waste of my time.

Did you ever get me any jobs relating to broadcasting?

All these things you promised never came to life.

Everything you've said is true, so... Thanks.

Thanks for validating me.

Maybe we could tie a bow around this thing, and...

Fuck you!

What the fuck is this thing?

Fuck you! Did you hear something?

No, I'm fine. I'm happy to leave.

This is retarded. I can't believe... Whoa, whoa.

Oh, my god! Colin!

He tripped.

Jesus. It's a comedy of errors. Are we about through here?

It's not that I'm not having a fun time, because I am.

Maybe it's a lesson, like, not to come where you're, like, unwanted.

Get away from me. Stop it. I'll keep that in mind.

Watch out for my vase.

You care more about the vase than helping him up?

No, you guys maybe should hit the road.

I don't know. Don't you think?

Fine. We'll leave. We'll leave you here alone,

With your girl and your surprisingly tastefully decorated apartment.

It's nice of you to come help your sister.

Seeing your apparent reconciliation is intriguing.

Based on what she said, I assumed you two didn't have a very good relationship.

Don't listen to him. He's just trying to upset you.

Some of the things she would say are just awful. It's not even true.

Someone should write a case study about you guys.

Like, you, like, the victim of circumstance,

You a victim of yourself.

I don't know.

You don't know, because you're not a child psychologist.

You're a journalism professor, so your case study would be a piece of garbage.

Your difficulty would come

From your overwhelming lack of experience with child psychology

And your relative slight experience

In journalism and broadcast, asshole.

You guys make quite the couple. Like, one, like,

Barely able to seek and maintain the attention of a male,

The other, like, a pathetic wreck of postgraduate stereotyping.

What did I do? You seem unaware

Of how little respect your sister has for you, for starters.

Yeah, well, you know what? I might not be the cool

Journalism professor, student, whatever,

But I am well aware of how little respect everyone has for me.

You know, that was even more fun than I had anticipated.

What's next on this exciting tour?

Abortion clinic? Do you need an abortion?

Rape factory? Children's wing of the local leper colony?

I've got a better idea. Why don't we go to the local soup kitchen,

And we can feed the hungry while listening to their sob stories?

I think that's probably the next fun thing we can do

After what just happened.

All right. I just need a minute. Can you just wait right here?

What? No. Can't we just leave now? Colin!

Please.

Fuck.

Excuse me, Ms. Wagner. How is everything?

A bit salty. Oh, I'm so sorry.

May I say that you are our favorite newswoman.

And could you please sign this for me?

The whole town would be very thrilled

If we could hang that for the restaurant.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Ms. Wagner? - Hi.

Don't be alarmed. I'm not a creepy stalker or anything.

I just wanted to come over and introduce myself.

My name is J.R. Um, I, too, am a news anch...

Or, I should say, I'm a perspir...

I'm an aspiring news anchor, like you.

I just wanted to let you know that you are the whole reason I watch W.O.R.M. every night.

You are so good on T.V. You're, like, amazing.

You help me fall asleep at night. I mean...

You know, your voice, watching you on T.V.,

Not that you're helping me fall asleep.

That's creepy and...

um, uh, I just...

The reason why I came over here is 'cause I was just curious

If you have any advice for somebody like myself

Trying to break into the biz,

You know, and be on T.V. And...

anything?

Off the top of my head,

Don't interrupt people while they're eating.

Okay.

Uh, anything else?

Okay. Well, thank you.

UN-Fucking-Believable. I'm taking you off my vision board, Ms. Wagner.

It's, like, Mexican-Style brunch.

I know.

J.R.?

Julia? Julia.

Hey. Hey.

So nice to see you. Nice to see you, sort of.

You look so funky and cool.

Uh, Kim? Hey, J.R.

Kim. Oh, my god. Hey.

Nice to see you.

It's been a long time.

How's it going? Good. We just got brunch.

It was really good. That's cool.

Are you still trying to be weather girl on television?

You mean a news anchor? Yeah, I still do want to be a news anchor.

Actually, that's why I was in town.

I just had a meeting with Ms. Wagner,

The broadcaster on T.V.

I don't know if you know her. She's my hero and a personal friend.

I think it went well. I don't know. We'll see. Fingers crossed.

It's really weird that we're running into you, 'cause we were just talking

About how we don't really see people from high school anymore.

Really? Were you talking about how you'd ignore people from high school

Who you used to be best friends with until something happened?

I still feel really bad about the way our friendship deteriorated so abruptly.

Do you?

I know what caused it and so do you. This one.

I'm having a party tonight. You should totally come.

No, that would be awkward. Why would you want me to come?

Erik's gonna be there. Erik who?

Kim's cousin is coming, and he's an agent.

A T.V. Agent?

Yeah. He's, um...

Teddy is an agent in Los Angeles,

And he's going to be at the party.

And I might be able

To hook you up with something through him.

Really? Like, news...

News anchor roles,

If I remember to introduce you.

Oh, my god. Yeah, if you could introduce me, that would be amazing.

Well, I mean, maybe. I don't know.

I'm here with my brother, so I don't know

If we'll have time, but... You're here with Colin?

Yeah. You should come. Bring Colin. That would be great.

No, really?

Yeah. Is he still kind of fat?

No, no. He is not fat anymore.

He went on a bunch of...

He tried a lot of diets, and it finally worked for him.

Is he cute? I guess.

I mean, he's my brother, but... I guess.

My brother... oh, my god. Where is he?

Colin is back at...

Shit. I have to go. I'm sorry.

I'll see you later.

I'm still kind of hungry.

I don't want to go to any party. I want to go home.

That was my opinion, too, before I realized that I'm practically homeless.

So I figured, what's the rush?

Besides, you didn't give me a chance to finish.

The person that invited us to this horrible party

Is none other than your childhood crush, Kim Thompson.

Kim Thompson?

Yep. Hottest girl in school, besides me.

Come on. It'll be fun. Why do you want to go to this party?

You've been moving for years to get away from these people.

I feel like it'll be cathartic. How?

Maybe not cathartic but at least interesting.

Those are two completely separate adjectives.

No party I've ever been to or heard of

Has been anything remotely resembling cathartic.

You want catharsis, have a near-Death experience. Can you stop saying "cathartic"?

You said "cathartic" first. All right. Just stop. Colin, you're being so annoying.

It's my car, it's my rules,

And we're buying you a completely new outfit,

'Cause you cannot go to a party dressed like that.

What's wrong with my clothes? What do you mean?

You look a boy that would own a blow-Up doll.

I'm sorry, but it's true. Well, you know,

These clothes are not built for style,

They're built for comfort and also for durability.

I've been wearing these jeans for years. Exactly.

Yeah, that stain indicates as much. Ooh-La-La.

So what? I don't want to go to this stupid party.

Just drop me off at a movie or something. No! Please?

Kim Thompson.

Okay. Fine.

But under one condition, and one condition only.

You're not buying me new clothes. Not now, not ever.

I'm only gonna go to this party if I can go wearing my current cl...

Okay. Oh.

I think that's good enough, right?

Colin, just please come out.

You've been in there for, like, 45 minutes.

No way. I feel ridiculous.

These pants are so tight. How can any man enjoy this?

I have no breathing room. I feel my sperm count just disappearing

Every second I'm standing here. "I feel my sperm count just disappearing."

Just think of these pants as, like, stylish birth control or something.

I don't even know what the point of this is.

There was nothing wrong with my initial pants.

Your pants are a nightmare, Colin.

That's the whole reason we're here. Pants are pants!

Pants are not all created equally.

Please, just come out.

I'm not gonna judge you.

No. I feel ridiculous. Look, we're on a schedule.

I just can't... what are you doing in there?

Why aren't you wearing a shirt? What are you doing? Stop it.

Colin, can you come here?

Please?

Okay. Okay.

Do you think I should grow my bangs out

Or leave them the length they are...

Like, short?

I don't care at all. Not even a tiny bit, I promise.

I just feel like... I don't know...

Like, without these, like, funky bangs,

Like, how are casting directors gonna know

That I'm the type of girl that likes music and art

And, like, cultural stuff, you know?

No, I don't.

Oh, that's not actually that bad. No.

This shirt isn't a nightmare. The sleeves aren't long enough.

I have long arms. I need adequate coverage.

No, this is the look. What are you doing? Stop.

This is how it's supposed to look. Now I'm going to get all cold.

My wrists are exposed. You remember what dad always said, Colin?

"The person who exposes himself is always the life of the party."

This is a win-Win situation.

You coming? What?

Are you coming? No.

♪ Sometimes late at night

♪ from my motel room, it just don't seem right ♪

♪ that you're home alone

♪ gotta spend all the time by the telephone ♪

♪ it's better than nothin'

♪ I know it ain't the real thing ♪

♪ operator, won't you give them my home? ♪

My clothes are all dirty. Oh, are they?

Yeah. My favorite pair of pants in the world are filthy now because of you.

Having fun? Yeah.

You proud of yourself? Yeah.

You okay with your life? Yeah. Are you?

Yeah. With yours? I'm okay with it.

I have a great life. Yeah? I don't think so.

Oh, look at this dog. He's so cute. Look.

Is this dog going to bite her? No.

So cute.

There's no chance it's going to bite her?

Are you excited for this party tonight? No.

Well, what about slutty time with Kim Thompson?

What about it?

She said that her cousin would be there.

He's, like, an agent.

That's a good look for you. This is the best you've ever looked.

This is how much I wanna go to the party. Oh, really?

That doesn't make any sense.

Have one. I don't want one.

Come on. No. I don't want one.

They're so good. I don't want to eat anything.

Your shirt... Your outfit looks good.

Christ, it's still all sugary. What the hell is that thing made out of?

Oh, Colin, do you know how rare these offensive figurines are?

I wish real black people were as rare as this. Oh, Colin. Shh.

Don't say that out loud. You knew I would love Boston.

Then don't judge them. I don't judge them.

I look at a good-Looking black,

A good-Looking Asian woman,

The same way I look at a good-Looking man.

Uh, what does that mean? I can see how...

a gay man or a woman would find this guy attractive.

But for me, I have nothing. My sexual preference is for white women,

And I don't expect to be discriminated against. Oh, sorry.

♪ I'm gonna put the rubber to the road ♪

Did you ever find any weird sex stuff growing up?

I think I'm going to purchase this bedpan.

It seems like it might be useful.

Colin, did you just hear what I asked you?

Uh, I did, but I'm ignoring you, so I won't be responding.

Can we please get out of here before you break something?

I'm not gonna break any...

Colin! Jesus Christ!

What are we gonna do? Let's just go.

We can't just go. Why not?

The car's right outside. We have to pay for this.

Let's get out of here. We've got a problem here.

She did it. No, I didn't! No, he broke it.

I'm sorry. You break it, you buy it.

Okay. Well, how much, um... How much could it possibly be?

It's $500 for the vase.

Oh, Colin.

Um, no, seriously.

I'm serious.

Do you have $500?

I guess I can't get this bedpan now.

I can't believe we're going to a party with your friends from high school.

I can't believe I actually got you to wear those skinny jeans.

Great. I feel really cool. All right. Look.

There's a few things we need to go over before we go in, okay?

Number one: Nobody can know I was living with my professor.

Why is that? Number two... Just listen.

Number two: If anybody asks, the only reason why I'm not on T.V. Yet

Being a news anchor is because I'm not settling for local stuff.

I'm only holding out for major markets, okay?

What constitutes a major market?

Nobody's gonna ask you that. What if they do?

Oh, my god! You just spit in my eye.

Look, if somebody said "major markets" to me,

The first thing I would say is, "what constitutes a major market?"

So if someone asks me that, I wanna be prepared.

All right. Fine.

New York, Philadelphia... Wait. Hang on a second.

...Hollywood, Los an... I have to write this down.

You don't need to. It's not a big deal. I'm not gonna remember.

I didn't know I was gonna have to memorize material.

This is really stressful for me.

Boston, Newark...

- Delaware or new jersey? - Delaware.

I hardly think that constitutes a major market.

Ugh! It doesn't matter, 'cause nobody's gonna ask you.

Promise me that once we get inside, you're not gonna disappear,

Leaving me alone with people I don't know all night.

I can't handle that right now. I promise you

I will not leave you alone at this party.

I'll pinky swear with you that I won't leave you alone.

That's how honest and genuine I am.

I don't pinky swear. It's a barbaric practice.

Then I can't guarantee that I'm telling the truth.

Then tough shit. I'm gonna go home.

Wait a minute. Is that Harriet Tubman?

Gotcha.

I'll be right back.

So, who invited you?

Oh. My bad.

So how's your mom doing? She's good, you know?

She's been, uh...

She's been a little sick the last of couple weeks.

But I think I'm gonna have to get out of here in a minute.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, that's too bad.

I wanted to ask you more about your family.

And we haven't caught up in a long time. Yeah.

I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah. That's true.

Kim, can you believe I really made it?

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Well, my cousin actually just had to leave for Los Angeles.

I'm really sorry.

Oh. I completely forgot about that.

Um, it's all good. I mean, my manager probably

Wouldn't want me meeting with, like, random agents anyway, you know?

He'd want a commission through your cousin or whatever.

What kind of roles are you looking for?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

I mean, all... I can do all sorts of stuff.

I kind of have the diversity

Of a young Robert Redford.

Um, well, if you see your cousin again,

I guess just give him my, uh, resume.

It'll probably tell him, you know, my range.

So, thanks.

Looks like you had a little accident there.

Oh, yeah. This. Um...

some gentleman spilled some red wine on me earlier.

It was... It wasn't on purpose.

It was, you know, just one of those things that happens.

Uh, would you like a slice of pineapple?

No, thanks.

Yeah. Who's the idiot who brought that, anyway?

Oh. Yeah. Boy, what idiot would bring this?

Actually, you know, pineapple is a sign of hospitality.

So maybe it's not such an idiot who brought this after all.

Perhaps the person who provided this

Just wanted everyone at the party to have a nice nutritious snack.

Uh, you know, I've heard that pineapple...

Actually, if you eat a lot of it,

It reduces swelling if you get your wisdom teeth taken out.

I still have mine. So I'll keep that in mind. Thank you.

Well, I've also heard that if a man eats a lot of pineapple,

It will make his ejaculate taste delicious.

Why are you telling me this?

I don't know. I figured maybe I could eat this entire thing,

And we can all see what happens. I gonna go now.

Okay. That's great. I'm just gonna stay here

And cut this pineapple up and eat it a little bit myself.

You know, broadcasting is just such a hard thing to break into.

You know, it's like these people get these on-Camera jobs,

And they don't ever want to leave.

They hold on for dear life, even if there's people out there who are way more talented.

But, I mean, it'll happen eventually.

I mean, me and my manager are setting up jobs

In, you know, major markets.

Nothing local, so...

what are major markets?

Oh, hey, bro. I forgot to mention.

There's a dress code for men.

Men have to wear jackets.

I got this one special for you.

Put it on, now. I insist.

Good evening. I'm your nightly correspondent, J.R.

In other news, multiple school children were found bludgeoned to deaf...

Bludgeoned to death.

All right. Wait. Let me start over. Okay.

Good evening. In other news,

Multiple school children were found bludgeoned to death,

Their bodies stuffed in a garbage disposer...

- Garbage... - Garbage chute...

Garbage chute. Ugh!

This always happens in auditions!

Whatever. It's way harder than it looks on T.V.

You know that.

Where are you going? I... Good...

how is that?

It's really good.

Can we go home now?

Why? We just got here.

I'm having a horrible time.

Somebody spilled drink on me on purpose. You don't even notice.

None of the girls want to eat any of my pineapple.

You owe me for that pineapple, by the way.

Who's your friend?

Uh, fr... No, no. This is my brother Colin.

You remember. Colin?

Hi, Kim. I didn't even recognize you.

You've known me since I was six.

Yeah, but you used to be so...

I mean, you look so different now. Do I?

I didn't used to have all this drink spilled on me.

That must be it. You know, Colin used to have

The biggest crushes on you guys growing up.

I don't know if you knew that. What the fuck?

It's true. Do you remember in tenth grade when we took those photos

In our bathing suits? Yeah.

He saved all of them.

Even the ones of me. Isn't that kind of weird?

I don't mind. Yeah. Colin, we're flattered.

Yeah, well, uh, J.R. Didn't know how to read until she was ten.

Isn't that hilarious? I had to teach her, and I'm younger.

It's not true. You're so funny, Colin.

I am, but it's not as funny as you not knowing how to read

Until you were in fourth grade. Shut up. Excuse me.

I should probably go call my manager and see if any casting people called me.

Excuse me.

Hi.

I'm Colin.

You know, it's just hard,

Because you still want to go out, you know?

I mean, I'm only 26, but I have a husband and a kid.

Oh, you got married and had a kid already?

Well, of course I did.

I mean, how else do you think I get to be here tonight?

Let me tell you, the only thing better than having a live-In babysitter

Is having a husband in a back brace.

Ooh-La-La. Sounds romantic.

Can I talk to you?

This is way less fun than I thought it was gonna be.

You think I have a shot at Kim? I think things are going well with us.

Oh, my god, yes. Totally.

That's the only thing good in this party.

I feel like Kim is giving you really slutty eyes.

I feel like you should go for it. It's surprising.

I didn't bring my "a" game, I didn't prepare any jokes,

Nothing, but here she is, giving everything to me.

Now, J.R.,

You are very bohemian to me.

Is that the word I'm looking for? It is.

So you choose to express yourself

In a very different way, and I respect that.

I'm just wondering

How you can get a job looking the way that you do.

I mean, what's your secret? Oh, well, I...

It's more than just gainful employment,

It's about finding a job that matters,

Always working towards being the best in your field,

Making good career choices.

Ah, good career choices.

Like what?

Well, I'm a junior accountant at one of the biggest

Telecommunication firms in the city.

Pretty soon, that's gonna be senior accountant.

I am assistant to the head of client management

At an artist's union.

I work for a temp agency.

Oh, my god. I temped before. It's so boring.

Oh, I was entering data, like, for two weeks straight.

I felt like a robot. I totally know what that's like.

No, no. I, uh... I'm not a temp.

That's sort of ridiculous.

I work for the temp agency.

I place people in positions.

J.R., How do you have time for all your little auditions?

I mean, do you do them after work?

Or do you have a flexible job?

I mean, I can't imagine what kind of job you have.

You have such a kooky sense of humor.

Uh, no, no. Let's keep talking about you.

I'm just, like, a fly on the wall at this party.

J.R., Don't be so modest. Even if it is just a day job,

It's still a really big part of your life.

Uh, no... I mean, it's not like you're just

Sitting around doing nothing, like, waiting for a phone call

Asking you to be a weather girl like you were in high school.

Uh, no.

That would be weird and pathetic, right?

Yeah. So what is it?

Uh, no, no.

No, what? No...

Nurse. I am a nurse.

Well, there you go. For a minute there,

We thought you didn't do anything.

How silly would that be?

That would be sickening.

That's nurse talk... Sick.

It's just such

A beautiful,

Noble profession.

God bless you, J.R.

God bless you

And the American nursing association.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

That's okay. No.

No, no, no, no, no. That's fine. I... No.

Whoo!

Look, you got a choice to make, buddy.

You can go on and get out of here,

And we can wait for that girl I hear is your hot sister

To get drunk enough so we can audition her ourselves.

That is tempting.

But, uh, what's my other choice?

Or you can take your gauche ass out of here and replenish our supplies.

Supplies? What, like cleaning supplies?

Party supplies, asshole. We need cups and shit.

Store's down the street.

It's your choice.

Or we can just drag your under-Dressed ass out of here

And beat the shit out of you.

Hey. Hey.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry about all of that.

Oh, whatever. It's okay.

I just... I didn't realize you were a nurse.

Had I known, I never would have put you on the spot like that.

Whatever. It's fine. You and that guy just seemed so uncomfortable.

You mean my brother? Brother?

Yeah. Well, anyway,

I just want you to know that I have great respect

For everyone in the medical profession.

W-Why is that?

Because of my crippling polio.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

I didn't mean to... I can't feel that.

Oh. Sorry.

Okay.

Hey. Hey.

Are you guys really only here for one night?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm just here

To help Colin move his stuff out of his girlfriend's house.

They just broke up, so...

that's why I took him out to this party,

'Cause he's so down in the dumps.

That was really sweet of you.

I don't think I'd ever do that for my brother.

Yeah, neither would I. Supplies!

Colin! Oh, my god! Are you okay?

You guys are such assholes!

Thank god we have a nurse on the premises.

All right. Just take your time.

Just slow, slow. Easy, easy.

Just... all right.

Just stay right there. I'll be right back.

Oh, my god.

I can't believe that just happened.

Should I disrobe for the remainder of my physical?

Yeah, sure.

Let nurse J.R. Go and get you a paper robe.

Colin, I'm so sorry about this trip.

This has been a nightmare.

No, it's no problem. Thanks.

I'm having a great time.

It's definitely not as cathartic as I thought it was gonna be.

I think it's pretty nice.

Yeah, right.

Am I interrupting something?

Uh, no.

I'll be right back.

Hi. I got that for you.

Oh, thanks. This is just what I need.

I've wanted to do that since I was 11.

Mm. I've been wanting to do it

Since you walked in the door this evening.

What's going on in here?

Oh... nothing.

We were just making out.

Um, but we're finished now.

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Thanks, Kim. My brother really needed that.

Fuck you, and your stupid weather girl career.

We were only ever friends with you because your family had a trampoline.

I'm sorry. Fuck you, is what I mean. Fuck you.

I'm gonna go throw up before we leave.

Let's just keep this between us, all right?

That was really cathartic, actually.

Thanks for including me in this fun, fun party.

You think? Whoops. Can we drive home now?

Now? Yes.

No. You are so drunk.

We're not driving all the way home.

I don't wanna spend another night in a hotel. No more, anywhere.

I just wanna go home, get in my own bed.

Let's just go to grandma and grandpa's cabin.

It's, like, so close. What?

That's, like, 12 hours away from here.

It's, like, less than an hour.

I used to make the drive with Neil all the time.

It's really not that far. Really?

Tell you what. I'll go to the cabin, but you go get the car.

I'm just gonna lay down here on the sidewalk and take a nice little nap.

That sounds like a good plan.

Colin, what the hell is this?

Looks like something from aunt Connie's funeral.

What? Aunt Connie's dead?

What are you talking about? Yes, aunt Connie died.

I just saw her, like, ten months ago.

Yeah, she died, like, six months ago.

Why didn't anybody tell me?

I think mom and dad kind of decided not to invite you

Because they thought you would be a little bit of a downer at the funeral.

I'd be a downer at a funeral?

Isn't that kind of harsh? Well, I don't know.

Just the whole unemployment, professor thing.

You just kind of weren't invited. But it was a lovely service.

Oh, I'm sure.

You really think I would have been that much of a downer at a funeral?

It wasn't my decision.

I'm sleeping over there.

Good night.

Come in.

Colin, we're the only ones here.

You don't have to knock. Sorry.

It's okay. What's up?

Can I, uh...

can I put something to you?

What do you mean, put something to me?

Like, ask you something.

Why don't you just say, "can I ask you something?"

I don't know. What does it matter? All right. What is it?

I don't want to say it. Colin, what?

What is it? Okay.

Tonight, at the, uh... The party,

Did I seem at all like any of those people?

No, not really.

I just feel like... I don't know.

The way you looked at them, I just saw so much hatred.

I would never... I would never feel comfortable

With anyone looking at me like that.

I mean, you annoy me, but I could never look at you like that.

Those people are losers.

Yeah. I guess.

I just feel like there's so much pressure put

On having, like, an interesting

Or exciting, unpredictable life.

I thought so too.

But I'm kind of realizing

Having an unpredictable life is sort of overrated.

Oh, yeah?

I don't know. I mean,

Just the... The way you've talked to me

And what you said about,

You know, just people with these pathetic jobs, and...

I don't know. I mean, I would never...

I would never want you to look at me like that.

I could never look at you like that.

Those people are fails.

We're special.

They're, like, normal.

Yeah. But wait.

But you wanted to make out with Kim, though, right?

Yeah. I mean, I had to.

I owed it to myself... My younger self.

I guess.

I wonder what she's doing now.

Do you think she hates us?

I don't know. Probably.

It's weird. I wonder if she's, like, asleep.

I wonder if... Isn't it weird that, like, everyone goes to sleep at night?

Like, everyone is, like, in bed, sleeping.

Like, there's not one person that doesn't sleep. Yeah.

Except sharks.

I guess Zoe's probably asleep now.

Oh, yeah. What about Zoe?

You two are, like, together, for serious, right?

Yeah. What about her? I don't know.

Are you gonna tell her what happened?

No. I mean, I couldn't.

You know, the situation with her is so fucked.

We haven't actually... In what way?

We haven't actually had any sex for,

Like, weeks or months.

Wait. Mom and dad didn't take you to Puerto Rico?

No. No, we went to Puerto Rico. We just, you know...

I lied about how romantic it was.

I'm sure, you know, the way things are going,

I'm gonna be on the suburban marriage wagon any day now,

With male pattern baldness and varicose veins.

It's a relief to hear that you didn't...

I didn't what?

I don't know. I mean, it's just, like, I was thinking about her,

But I guess that's pretty much it.

I don't know.

You're not gonna end up like a normal suburban loser

Like those people.

I'll come whisk you and your stupid...

Or precious gargoyles away

Before I'd ever let that happen.

I see you, like, twice a year.

You know, I'd be completely a lost cause before you ever got to me.

No.

Just call me, and I'll pull you...

I'll whisk you away to one of my...

Whoever my new mentor/suitor is.

We can live in their basement or something.

No, it's way too late for me.

I'm trapped, and I've floated away to sea.

No! No, you're okay, honestly.

I mean, what would you rather be doing

If you weren't having your current life?

What do you mean, like a plan "a"?

Yeah. Like, what's your plan "a"? What's your, like, dream life?

I don't know. I mean, I guess at some point,

I thought maybe I could teach.

Teaching? That's ironic.

You were always the one to say teaching is, like, the biggest failure...

That there's nothing worse than teaching...

That teaching is allowing others to fail... To fail.

...while spinning your own wheels.

You really remember exactly what I said.

Well, yeah. I mean, it had an effect.

I mean, at one point, I thought

I maybe would pursue teaching,

And you kind of talked me out of it.

You? Teach? Yeah.

You're not qualified to teach. You're barely qualified to learn.

Thanks, I guess.

I don't know. I mean, it just felt like something that I could do.

It's something that, you know, I don't have to struggle in.

It just seemed like an option, but...

Yeah, but then what?

You, like, teach for ten years, and then what?

What are you gonna do then?

I guess you can just fuck your young students and promise them jobs.

Shut up.

I'm sorry. I'm in no position to judge.

No. But I guess I could imagine you, though.

What? Fucking my students?

Yeah. Or teaching? Or fucking my students?

Yeah. Having sex with your students. I mean... Thanks.

The way you were with Kim tonight, I can just imagine

All the creepy perverse stuff you're capable of that I didn't think before.

Oh, yeah? Well, you don't know the half of it.

Ooh-La-La. I don't even want to know.

Oh, remember...

Remember what I was saying earlier about mom's vibrator?

Or I started to tell you, and then you cut me off at the store?

Yes. I've been unable to get an erection because of it.

It's haunted me every second since you told me.

Wait. Kim didn't give you a boner?

Um... sorry.

I was just thinking if there was a way I could kill myself before you go on with this.

Don't you want to hear a story about mom's vibrator?

Isn't that what every...

Every young man wants to hear about?

Um, well, since I guess I can't actually kill myself before you keep talking,

You might as well just go on.

- Okay. - Well, don't tell anyone, but...

When I... When I found it...

I don't know why, but I felt like I should smell it.

Isn't that disgusting? I don't know.

I just... I just thought, like...

I don't know when the last time she, like, used it or what,

Or if it was just a family heirloom or something,

But I just wanted to know what it smelled like.

Yeah? And?

It didn't smell like anything.

So... nothing at all. Nothing?

I mean, maybe that means that if you ever have children,

Mom passed on the no-Smell private part to your offspring.

Congratulations. Your daughter will be a big hit at parties.

I know. Don't tell me that a scent-Free vagina is a great thing,

Like I don't already know that.

Is there any other scent-Related family information you want to pass on to me?

Did you ever smell any... Any underpants around the house?

Ooh-La-La. No, sadly. Is there any ass information you can divulge to me?

All right. Stop. No... Okay. I'm sorry. I'll... I'll stop.

I'll stop with all the butt cracks.

That actually was...

so stupid.

Oh, I can just imagine you, though,

Being a teacher.

You would be...

I can just imagine you, like, in front of some class.

You're, like, wearing your stupid marshmallow shoes

And, like, some... Your stupid jeans

And some weird off-The-Rack blazer, being like,

"Come on, class. Listen to me.

"Come... You know, I'm a serious professor.

"Look at me.

Look at my gargoyles. Ooh."

Oh, you really got me down pat there.

What else is there? That's it.

That's all you say to the class, then you walk out.

No, I can just imagine it, though. Like...

like, you gathering your stuff,

Like, after class.

Like, everyone leaves. And you're just, like, such an awkward guy.

And the class has, like,

Never had a teacher like you before,

And, like, they don't know what to make of you.

And, like, I'm sure there's, like, some, like,

Random girl at the end of class.

She's, like, packing up her books really slowly

As everybody leaves.

And you're, like... You're, like,

Putting your books in your, like, satchel

Or whatever professors carry.

She, like, walks over to you

And asks for, like, a minute of your time.

She's wearing, like, some sort of, like...

I don't know... Like, old-Fashioned,

Like, angora sweater

And, like, pleated shorts or something...

Something like from the movies.

And, like...

I can just see it. Like, she's...

she's like, "oh, professor, can I talk to you? Can I talk to you?"

And you're, like... You, like, appreciate her,

'Cause she's, like, the only one in the class that,

Like, laughs at your stupid jokes.

And, like, nobody knows,

But, like, she's wearing a pin

That you gave to her.

'Cause, like, one day, you were wearing it,

And she said she liked it, and then you just, like...

Weeks later, you just, like, had one for her

When you gave her back her notes.

Yeah, I can just imagine.

Casually, you go to the movies,

And you leave a seat empty,

Hoping that somebody will sit there.

And nobody does. But then, right as the movie starts...

Right as the movie starts, she walks in.

She walks down the aisle

And takes the seat where you put your stupid blazer.

She sits down.

I can just imagine that maybe that night,

You, like, held each other's hand

While you shared popcorn,

Even though she doesn't like butter.

So you didn't even put butter on it just to be nice.

And then you don't talk again until later,

After the movie.

Another time at, like, office hours,

You give her back her rough draft with,

Like, notes in it.

And scribbled on page four is an address.

Your address, obviously.

She's not a minute late.

And right as you open the door, she's there.

She looks so...

ready and...

fun

And a good person.

And she'll be a success.

And you guys get each other,

Which is so rare.

And it just...

I don't know. It just makes sense.

That's what it'd be like if you were a professor, I think.

Sounds like your kind of guy.

I guess he is.

Colin? Yeah?

Can you call me Jeanette right now? Please?

No one's called you Jeanette since you were 11.

Just do it. Okay, Jeanette.

Good night, Colin.

Good night, Jeanette.

Is that it?

That's it.

Do you think I'll ever make it to a major market?

Not if you keep acting out like you do.

I could say the same thing to you.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Yeah. We'll see.

Have fun.

Good luck.

♪ I'm loving you desperately

♪ but you just can't see

♪ I give you two open arms

♪ so you can run straight to me ♪

♪ but, boy, your reaction

♪ is a little bit strange

♪ you're starting to play the part ♪

♪ watch out with the game

♪ so sit and let me talk to you ♪ ♪ sit and let me talk to you

♪ you're lookin' like it's bad news ♪

♪ are you trying to say we're through? ♪

♪ But I just want, I just wanna know ♪

♪ is that lovin' in your heart that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away

♪ I can't understand

♪ is that lovin' in your heart that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away

♪ I've got to know

♪ oh, I've got to know

♪ don't be afraid to say

♪ that what we had is through

♪ I want you to tell me, boy

♪ what did I do? ♪ Tell me, what did I do?

♪ I hope I'm just guessin' this ♪

♪ and it's not really true

♪ so, please, won't you tell me, boy ♪

♪ tell me, what's wrong with you ♪

♪ where is the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ You might as well explain it, boy ♪

♪ and get it over real fast

♪ I don't know what you're trying to say ♪

♪ but I bet, I bet I can guess ♪

♪ is that lovin' in your heart that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away ♪ where is the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ Is that lovin' in your heart that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away ♪ where is the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ I've got to know

♪ oh, I've got to know

♪ where is the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ Where is the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ No, no

♪ is that lovin' in your heart that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away ♪ where is the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ I can't understand you, speak up ♪

♪ is that lovin' in your heart that you had for me ♪

♪ where is the love that you had for me? ♪ ♪ I can't understand

♪ is that lovin' in your heart that you had for me ♪

♪ finally gone away ♪ where is the love that you had for me? ♪

♪ Is that what you're sayin'?

Closed-Captioned by J.R. Media services, inc. Burbank, ca