Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,671
[Cheers, applause]
2
00:00:06,706 --> 00:00:09,741
[Music playing]
3
00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:11,287
[Emcee] How's everybody doing tonight?
4
00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:12,677
- Yeah?
- [cheers, applause]
5
00:00:12,712 --> 00:00:14,346
Oh, good crowd.
6
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:16,681
Good-looking crowd, by the way.
Did I mention that?
7
00:00:16,716 --> 00:00:18,550
We're gonna get this show going.
8
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:19,895
How does everybody feel about that?
You guys ready for that?
9
00:00:19,919 --> 00:00:21,319
[Cheers, whistles]
10
00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:22,665
This next guy coming to the stage,
11
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,623
you might recognize him
12
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,925
if you watched MTV in the '90s.
13
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,027
- [Laughter]
- [man] Yeah!
14
00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:32,864
But anyway, this guy,
I've known him way too long.
15
00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:35,700
But he's here to entertain you.
16
00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:37,802
Ken Cooper, everybody.
17
00:00:37,837 --> 00:00:40,839
[Cheers, applause]
18
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,275
We got a lot of different
types of people here.
19
00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,277
We got single people, married people.
20
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:46,622
That's really the question
in life, right?
21
00:00:46,646 --> 00:00:47,957
If you stay single or get married.
22
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,814
Single, married, single, married,
23
00:00:49,849 --> 00:00:52,350
you either sign up
for a lonely existence
24
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,562
jerking off to porn every night...
25
00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:54,753
[Laughter]
26
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:57,522
- Or you stay single.
- [Man] Whoo!
27
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:00,325
[Laughter, applause]
28
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:07,766
[Child laughing]
29
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:16,575
[Indistinct chatter]
30
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,717
You ready to fly?
31
00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:32,958
[Boy] I got it!
32
00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:37,006
[Voicemail] Hi, Ken, it's Kirstie.
So I've confirmed
33
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,530
the pitch meeting for tomorrow
34
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:39,875
and gene Peña is definitely
coming tonight.
35
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:41,733
He wants to have drinks
with us beforehand,
36
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:44,035
so just make sure
you get there really early.
37
00:01:44,070 --> 00:01:46,071
You're so fucking lucky I'm your agent.
38
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,541
[Banging on piano keys]
39
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:08,126
I've got a lot of tadpoles.
40
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:10,495
How many you get?
41
00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:13,631
Let me count.
42
00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:15,667
Do you have more than ten?
43
00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:35,587
Will mom be home soon?
44
00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,622
- No.
- Mm.
45
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,791
- No.
- Yeah, she should be.
46
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:51,936
- Here, you guys.
- What is this?
47
00:02:51,971 --> 00:02:53,138
It's chicken.
48
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,706
I thought we were ordering pizza.
49
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:56,107
No, we got pizza tomorrow night.
50
00:02:56,142 --> 00:02:57,809
I'm sick of the taste of chicken.
51
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,678
Do we really have to have
f'ing chicken nuggets?
52
00:03:00,713 --> 00:03:03,548
- Stop cursing, okay?
- What's the matter? Joey, come on.
53
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:04,916
F'ing.
54
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:07,819
- Shut up.
- [Joey] You shut up.
55
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:10,822
Get off.
56
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,525
[Ken] Guys, guys, come on. Stop it.
57
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,026
Don't, come on.
58
00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:17,195
- What's with the suit?
- Michael, Michael, just...
59
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:20,165
- Are you sweating?
- No, no, I'm not sweating.
60
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,699
- It's fine.
- You look nervous.
61
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:22,912
No, I'm not nervous. I just, I'm just,
62
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,702
why are you checking your phone?
63
00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:26,882
'Cause I might hear from mom.
She should be here by now.
64
00:03:26,906 --> 00:03:30,074
- Dad, the suit you're wearing is ugly.
- Well, no. Thanks, Michael.
65
00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:31,743
Okay, good night, guys.
66
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,478
Turn off the lights, go to bed.
67
00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:36,948
[Michael] Dad, what if scientists
invented a way
68
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:40,452
to go back in time, like through
a black hole, before pollution,
69
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:41,953
so they could stop pollution
70
00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:45,924
and that would give us more time
before the sun blows up?
71
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,761
Wait, where are you getting all this?
72
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,930
[Joe] You can't travel back in time
73
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,932
unless you have a time machine.
74
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:56,100
[Michael] We're actually in a time machine.
75
00:03:56,135 --> 00:03:59,037
You see, every second is
a future, past, and present.
76
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,905
And the future's about to happen,
77
00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:03,508
so now we're in the future,
and that just passed,
78
00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:05,710
so now we're in the past,
and now we're in the present,
79
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:08,547
and now and now and now
and now and now.
80
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:13,585
Could I sleep in your bed?
81
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,722
No. Hey, no, buddy,
you, you gotta start
82
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,591
sleeping in your own bed, okay?
83
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,059
- Okay.
- You gotta relax.
84
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,128
Okay?
85
00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:37,042
[Door opens, closes] [Woman] Hi.
86
00:04:38,177 --> 00:04:39,978
- Hello.
- Shh, shh, shh.
87
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:42,647
I just put the kids to bed okay?
88
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:44,159
Oh, shit. I wanted to say
good night to them.
89
00:04:44,183 --> 00:04:46,028
- All right, it's 9:30.
- Let me just say good night.
90
00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:47,563
What do you mean all right?
Are you okay?
91
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,521
- What's going on?
- What? I'm fine.
92
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:51,689
We came in way under budget,
93
00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:55,093
so the client catered
this incredible spread.
94
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,628
Oh. How much have you been drinking?
95
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:57,896
Just like...
96
00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,230
So what? This is a party?
97
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:02,233
No, no, this was not a party.
98
00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:04,102
- A little bit of a party.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
99
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,638
You are so drunk.
So how'd you get home?
100
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:08,239
[Chuckles] I am fine.
101
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:10,241
- Why are you so upset?
- Well, number one,
102
00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:11,954
you weren't answering your phone
all night long, okay?
103
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,812
- I know. It died.
- Your phone was ringing.
104
00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:16,025
- Stop. What are you doing?
- It just died.
105
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,815
I gotta go. What are you doing?
106
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:20,285
Hold on a second.
Before you leave, let me just,
107
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,820
let me just look for something down here.
108
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:25,623
[Stammering] Really? Now?
109
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,959
Come on, what are you doing?
Just stop, all right?
110
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:31,195
I have to go to the club.
I told you that.
111
00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:32,708
You were supposed to be home
two hours ago.
112
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,699
I have those execs
from the network coming.
113
00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:37,168
[Scoffs] What execs from the network?
114
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:38,347
It's on the fucking calendar. Look.
115
00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:39,871
[Groans] Sorry.
116
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:42,206
If I knew you had
an actual appointment,
117
00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:44,053
- I wouldn't have been this late.
- You wouldn't have what?
118
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,744
You wouldn't have gotten
wasted with the nine dudes
119
00:05:46,779 --> 00:05:48,212
- that you work with?
- Mm,
120
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:49,981
you are so fucking ridiculous.
121
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,020
You're never gonna sell it!
122
00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:02,927
- Why would you say that?
- You have pitched this show
123
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:05,763
how many fucking times?
124
00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:06,998
Like 30 times?
125
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,000
You have to let it go.
126
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,169
- It's a stupid fucking idea.
- No, no, no, no.
127
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,870
It's not a stupid fucking idea, okay?
128
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:14,316
The people I've pitched it to so far
129
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:16,374
- are fucking stupid.
- Oh oh oh, yeah.
130
00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:18,109
Oh, yeah,
131
00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:19,922
- that makes complete sense.
- Okay, you have no idea
132
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,679
what it's like to... to... to...
133
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,993
To talk about an idea with someone
who has zero imagination
134
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:26,228
and then you have to feel
the most inane fucking questions
135
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,252
about this thing that doesn't exist yet
136
00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:29,798
which they can't
conceive of because they have
137
00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:31,956
- no goddamn imagination.
- You just described
138
00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:34,292
like every single job
139
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:38,096
anybody has ever had,
and you would know that
140
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,331
'cause you've never actually
had an adult job
141
00:06:40,366 --> 00:06:42,344
- contributing to a household.
- And what you're doing is a job.
142
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:44,346
You don't create anything.
You just push numbers around.
143
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,337
I create everything for this family.
144
00:06:46,372 --> 00:06:49,274
- You don't do shit.
- Oh...
145
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,878
Hey, monkey.
146
00:06:57,116 --> 00:06:58,883
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
147
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,752
Yeah?
148
00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:02,320
Are you having trouble sleeping?
149
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,389
Yeah.
150
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,290
[Whispering] Could I sleep in your room?
151
00:07:06,325 --> 00:07:08,292
- Yes, of course.
- He can't. Michael, no.
152
00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:10,662
Of course you can.
153
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:12,030
Yeah, you go up.
154
00:07:13,299 --> 00:07:15,834
I'll be right there, okay? Love you.
155
00:07:17,136 --> 00:07:18,436
Why, why do you do that?
156
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:20,138
Why can't baby him like that, okay?
157
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,739
It feeds into his anxiety.
158
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:23,808
No, your anxiety
is feeding into his anxiety.
159
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,021
Yeah, well, maybe if you weren't
undermining me in front of the kids...
160
00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:28,290
Well, I wouldn't need to undermine you
if I didn't need to undermine you.
161
00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:30,215
Yeah, what the fuck
does that even mean?
162
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:35,754
You know what?
I think we need some help.
163
00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:39,357
Great.
164
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,892
Oh, so you're just gonna walk out?
165
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,393
No, god, I'm not walking out.
166
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:43,861
I told you I have to be somewhere.
167
00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:46,364
Okay? I gotta go.
168
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:48,867
Well, if you leave
don't plan on coming home tonight.
169
00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:55,707
[Stomping feet]
170
00:07:57,777 --> 00:08:00,178
[Door opens, closes]
171
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,344
[Car alarm chirps]
172
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:42,086
[Panting]
173
00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:44,388
Gene is waiting in there
wondering what the fuck.
174
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:46,257
- I'm sorry.
- Don't fuck this up anymore
175
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:49,461
- than we're fucking it up.
- I won't. I'm here.
176
00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,864
You look like shit.
177
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:54,532
[Emcee] Give it up for Holly Barlow.
178
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,400
- Come on. Holly.
- [Cheering, whistles]
179
00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:59,270
Are you okay?
180
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:00,838
Great.
181
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:02,306
Where're you going?
182
00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:05,009
Oh, Paige's birthday party.
183
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,345
It's at a fricken roller rink.
I promised Abby.
184
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,080
Love you.
185
00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:13,918
Jesus.
186
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,887
[Woman] The reality is
187
00:09:15,922 --> 00:09:18,022
I have this stalker.
188
00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:20,458
Uh...
189
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,426
Fucker's probably here, too.
190
00:09:22,461 --> 00:09:24,295
[Laughter]
191
00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:26,998
Just to fuck with my stalker,
you know, like,
192
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,534
make him jealous I've been dating.
193
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,302
- And, uh.
- [Laughter]
194
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:32,870
Have I told you guys about...
195
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,872
- I'm sorry I'm late, man.
- It's all good.
196
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:36,874
- What time do you go on?
- Soon.
197
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:39,210
These are comped, right?
198
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:43,147
Uh, no, but don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
199
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:45,149
We're gonna meet up after, yeah?
200
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:48,252
- Yeah, we'll get drinks.
- Awesome. All right.
201
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:50,822
[Woman] Just this certain brand
of mid-life crisis
202
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,991
that's like so repulsive
yet so irresistible.
203
00:09:54,026 --> 00:09:55,827
- [Laughter]
- [sighs]
204
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:58,596
So I'm on a date
with one of these winners
205
00:09:58,631 --> 00:10:00,364
so I bring up my stalker, right,
206
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:02,266
you know, like lighten the mood,
and instantly
207
00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:04,402
this guy is locked in on me, he's like
208
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,571
drawing up strategies on napkins
209
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,406
how he's gonna
piece together this puzzle.
210
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,874
He's gonna find my stalker.
211
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:12,210
- [Laughter]
- Three months later,
212
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,378
he is still stalking my stalker.
213
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:16,380
[Laughter]
214
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:18,015
And I'm still trying to stop him.
215
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:20,251
[Laughter, applause]
216
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,119
Good night. You guys were awesome.
217
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:24,189
[Cheers, whistles, applause]
218
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:29,894
[Emcee] Listen, we are gonna
keep this show rolling.
219
00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:31,395
Let me bring up this next guy.
220
00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:32,930
Uh, one of my buddies.
221
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,066
I've known him 20 years,
222
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:37,602
- Mr. Ken Cooper.
- [Applause]
223
00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:43,941
Hey, guys. Uh, I'm Ken.
224
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:46,121
Look around and see we got a lot of
different type of people here.
225
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,945
We got single people, married people.
226
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:49,981
That's really the question
in life, right?
227
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,326
If you stay single or get married.
228
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:52,661
Single, married, single, married,
229
00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,585
you either sign up
for a lonely existence
230
00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:57,922
jerking off to porn every night
231
00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:00,958
or you stay single.
232
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,293
- Uh...
- [laughter]
233
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,395
Anyway, uh, I like being single.
234
00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:07,398
Uh, I was in England for this joke.
235
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,400
And I met a very slutty British girl.
236
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:11,202
That's redundant, I met a British girl,
237
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:12,447
And then she grabbed
my hand she took me
238
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:14,438
out of the pub into this alley.
239
00:11:14,473 --> 00:11:16,151
If you guys ever been to England
you know it's mostly
240
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,441
alleys there, that's all it is,
241
00:11:17,476 --> 00:11:18,976
she gets in front of me in the alley
242
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:20,478
she drops on her knees,
243
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,314
I know, cobblestone, it's gotta hurt,
244
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,416
and then she says,
245
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:28,419
[English accent]
Can I see your Yankee cock?
246
00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:32,123
I was like, "whoa, whoa, whoa,
247
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,624
"it's, 'may I see your Yankee cock?'
248
00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:35,259
and, yes you may."
249
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:38,362
I mean, how could I say no
with that accent?
250
00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:40,298
"Cock."
251
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,311
I had sex in a pool recently,
which is great in theory.
252
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,468
[Cell phone vibrating]
253
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,448
And then you do it,
you're chilly, your hair's wet,
254
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:48,039
the water's chlorinated.
255
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:49,551
It feels like you're fucking
a squeaky toy.
256
00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,109
[Squeaky noises]
257
00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:56,380
All the kids at the rec
center are screaming.
258
00:11:56,415 --> 00:11:57,726
So, uh, so I'm getting out of the head.
259
00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,518
I didn't know what to do with my hands.
260
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,320
Like, what do you do?
Do you Calvin Klein it?
261
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,622
Do you Michael Jackson it
against the wall?
262
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:07,158
I was in England,
should I do a little teapot?
263
00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:09,493
Uh, so I put my hands
on her head, right,
264
00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:12,163
in the catholic priest pose.
265
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:14,933
[Murmuring]
266
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:19,737
Are you with me?
267
00:12:19,772 --> 00:12:21,272
[Man coughing]
268
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:30,014
Put that shit away, man.
269
00:12:30,049 --> 00:12:33,184
Enjoy your freedom while it lasts.
270
00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:34,518
It was a shitty crowd.
271
00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:36,220
Oh, no, it's just,
272
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,589
I had this exec from brazen come.
273
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:39,735
He was supposed to do my show.
274
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,492
- Where'd he go?
- [Laughs]
275
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,494
Uh-huh.
276
00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:45,173
And you've been doing
that bit about the blowjob
277
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:46,675
- for a while now.
- No, no, I changed it.
278
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,343
It's totally different.
I made it to a British guy.
279
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,034
Oh, right, yeah, well,
280
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,370
maybe it was your
delivery or something.
281
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:55,339
Hey, so what's going on out there, huh?
282
00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:56,674
Everybody's bombing.
283
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:58,309
I'll have a Malbec.
284
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,777
You didn't bomb.
285
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,379
No, you were... you were good.
286
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:02,713
Really?
287
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:05,016
- Ken bombed.
- Ha ha ha, thanks, ed.
288
00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:06,528
And he got ditched
by a network exec, too.
289
00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:09,253
- Wow, thanks again.
- He's a bit vulnerable.
290
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:12,723
- Are you okay?
- Uh, never better.
291
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:14,425
You were a fearful child, right?
292
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,771
I'm definitely getting that vibe.
293
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,294
- I'm very sensitive.
- Hmm.
294
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:18,740
You seem like the sensitive type, yeah.
295
00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:20,275
She does this bit
about tasting her own pussy.
296
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:22,166
- It's fucking hysterical.
- You saw that?
297
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:25,336
"You ever taste your own pussy?
No? Oh, you should.
298
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:28,039
I have. Mine, imagine but in cheese
299
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:30,108
- it's dipped in plum chutney."
- It's cheesecake.
300
00:13:33,612 --> 00:13:35,246
So how you guys know each other?
301
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:38,249
Oh, I know her.
302
00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:40,418
I mean, I don't know her,
know her, but...
303
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:44,355
- He doesn't know me.
- I wanna know her.
304
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:46,524
What's your story?
305
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,392
It's a long and exhausting one.
306
00:13:48,427 --> 00:13:51,129
Oh, yeah? Since college?
307
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:58,169
I almost finished nursing school,
308
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:01,405
and then I was a legal secretary,
309
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,208
but I got way too involved
with this divorce lawyer
310
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:06,177
which was a huge mistake,
311
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:08,712
and then I taught hip-hop
at a Hebrew school,
312
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:11,482
and, uh, trying standup on the side,
313
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,651
and working on a documentary,
314
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,520
and I bartend. What about you?
315
00:14:16,555 --> 00:14:17,866
Don't know nothing about him.
What about me?
316
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,558
I don't need to know
anything more about you.
317
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:23,061
Oh, you're married.
I can see by the ring.
318
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,441
I'm also judging by those
bags under your eyes
319
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:27,698
that you have kids?
320
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:30,101
One for each eye bag.
321
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:31,335
[Chuckles]
322
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:32,547
So is there a dad bod under there?
323
00:14:32,571 --> 00:14:34,305
- No.
- [laughs]
324
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:35,773
Wait a second. What is this?
325
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,875
Cheese?
326
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,610
Snot?
327
00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:42,880
- Play-doh.
- Ah.
328
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:46,750
And you're telling
jokes about finger blasting
329
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:48,552
bitches in bathrooms.
330
00:14:48,587 --> 00:14:49,820
Wow. You are so full of shit.
331
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:51,522
- Why?
- Oh, come on.
332
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,368
If I offered you a line
of coke off my ass right now
333
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:54,803
you'd run straight home to your wife.
334
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,694
Ha ha, actually I'm not
welcome home so.
335
00:14:56,729 --> 00:15:00,264
Wait a second. You're not welcome home?
What does that mean?
336
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,367
- His wife kicked him out.
- Yeah, well, thanks again, ed.
337
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,603
- Such a good friend.
- Your wife kicked you out?
338
00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:09,173
Tonight? Oh, my god.
339
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,476
I'm... I'm sorry. That's not funny.
340
00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:15,479
It's... I mean, not to you,
341
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:17,392
but to me it's kinda funny
'cause I don't know you.
342
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,617
Well, I know him but I still
think it's pretty funny.
343
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:22,153
I don't think my marital problems
are fucking funny.
344
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:24,321
- Sorry.
- Why? What else is there?
345
00:15:24,356 --> 00:15:26,624
Well, your stalker,
where is he tonight?
346
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,325
How should I know? I'm the stalkee.
347
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,560
- I don't know.
- Hmm.
348
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:32,229
And so you're actually being stalked?
349
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:33,764
Yeah.
350
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:37,635
There's a guy who, um,
351
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:39,837
well, he just kinda...
352
00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:42,851
I don't know. I don't really feel like
353
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,176
talking about it, actually.
354
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:47,278
Can I just enjoy my wine?
355
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,749
Does he threaten you?
356
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,753
Mm-hmm.
357
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,555
And he knows where I live.
358
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,790
Sounds dangerous.
359
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:01,559
I think you need some protection.
360
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,961
- You need protection.
- Oh, I have protection.
361
00:16:03,996 --> 00:16:07,265
- What kind of protection?
- Any kind you need.
362
00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:13,637
Oh, my, god damn it.
363
00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:16,207
Save this spot.
364
00:16:19,345 --> 00:16:20,644
What are you doing here?
365
00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:22,479
Why are you ignoring my texts?
366
00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:23,814
They're dirty.
367
00:16:23,849 --> 00:16:26,684
You think that's him?
368
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,886
Well, he looks stalkery.
369
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,421
Yeah, but who doesn't?
370
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:32,890
I mean, we're all surveying.
371
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,758
Once I got so wrapped up
in this one chick
372
00:16:34,793 --> 00:16:36,694
I started following her check-ins.
373
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:39,530
I see that she's at this
Starbucks near me.
374
00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:42,233
So I go, you know, and go scope her out,
375
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:44,735
whew! [Laughs]
376
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:46,270
Well, what happened?
377
00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:47,938
[Retching sound]
378
00:16:47,973 --> 00:16:50,641
Fucking nothing like she advertised.
379
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,810
I hear this nasal baby voice
telling the BARISTA
380
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,979
that she's lactose intolerant.
381
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,681
Totally gutted me.
382
00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:00,017
People are so depressing.
383
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:01,919
But if you're pushing me away
I can't help you.
384
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:03,954
Oh my god. I don't wanna
talk about this right now.
385
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,525
Hey, so when she gets back,
I think I'm gonna make a move.
386
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,361
- Really?
- Yeah.
387
00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:11,862
I think she's into me.
388
00:17:11,897 --> 00:17:14,865
Mm, I didn't really
get that impression at all.
389
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:18,002
Well, now's a good time to move,
be a good time to skedaddle.
390
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,004
- I'm gonna do it.
- Nah, I think you might have
391
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,805
- shitty timing.
- What are you
392
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,518
fucking talking about?
This is perfect timing.
393
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:26,510
- Shh. Shh. Shh.
- Ah, fuck.
394
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,479
- Let's go.
- With the schizo?
395
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:30,814
Mm, that's Chip.
396
00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:32,983
We met at this mall storyteller thing,
397
00:17:33,018 --> 00:17:34,518
he told this gut-wrenching story
398
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,020
about growing up a fat Muslim kid.
399
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,555
So sweet, but so overbearing.
400
00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:39,957
It's your stalker's stalker?
401
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:42,826
- [Laughing]
- supposedly.
402
00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:44,528
He hasn't found anything yet.
403
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,297
And he saw my set, now he's pissed off
404
00:17:46,332 --> 00:17:47,898
and he's insisting that his sunglasses
405
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:50,601
are at my place and he has to
go back and get them.
406
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,703
I just can't fucking
deal with this right now.
407
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,772
You wanna drive me home?
408
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:56,707
- What?
- I mean,
409
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,410
I don't think I should be walking
under the circumstances.
410
00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:01,089
- You walked here?
- Come on, let's go out the back.
411
00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:03,080
- I'll take you home.
- No, no, it's fine.
412
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:05,650
Ken's driving, right?
Let's go, Ken, come on.
413
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:09,954
Make a right up there.
414
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:13,924
So your wife kicked you out, huh?
415
00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:15,492
She didn't kick me out.
416
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:18,929
She just said if I left,
not to come back.
417
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:21,932
And you left.
418
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,334
In the minivan.
419
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:26,036
Actually, the minivan's mine.
420
00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:29,440
So you ever try to pick up
chicks in your minivan?
421
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:32,009
All the time.
422
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,512
Just that building there
with the dead tree out front.
423
00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:36,914
Oh.
424
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:41,018
You have me drive you
a block and a half?
425
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:42,753
You wanna come up?
426
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:46,590
[Stammering] Uh, ah, to you apartment?
427
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:48,959
I'd feel a lot safer if you did.
428
00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:52,129
I mean, I don't really feel like
being by myself right now.
429
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:55,666
You know, you have a stalker
and an unhinged ex,
430
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:58,001
you sure you want to invite
a stranger up to your place?
431
00:18:58,036 --> 00:19:00,404
I know you. We know the same people.
432
00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:02,773
- Ed?
- Same microcosm.
433
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,875
You're always rushing out
of the club early.
434
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:07,378
Oh, so you've been watching me.
435
00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:09,580
I've seen your set a couple times.
436
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,415
Well, I'm extremely unfunny.
437
00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:14,718
But you're not not intriguing.
438
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:16,053
And you we're unforthcoming
439
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:17,888
about your wife kicking you out.
440
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:19,757
But that really happened tonight?
441
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:23,127
Yeah, well, I shouldn't have
been not unforthcoming.
442
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,995
But you were.
443
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:26,997
Which indicates to me
that you wanna talk about it
444
00:19:27,032 --> 00:19:29,700
and you sense I'd be a good person.
445
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:32,636
And you'd be right. I got the first half
of my masters in psychology.
446
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,476
It doesn't matter 'cause
we're not gonna find parking anyway.
447
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:41,145
Well, you can't go home, right?
448
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,815
No one's gonna like stop me.
449
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,683
Let's just do a lap.
Come on, you never know.
450
00:19:46,718 --> 00:19:47,885
We might find a spot.
451
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,888
- Ha ha.
- Come on, one lap.
452
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,923
If it's meant to be,
then we'll find a spot.
453
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,692
If what's meant to be?
454
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,562
Well, we won't know
unless you find a spot.
455
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,700
[Laughing]
456
00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:06,570
Now would you call that convenient?
457
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:07,938
Or cosmic?
458
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:10,674
Mm, I'd call that a coincidence.
459
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,884
I'm just gonna walk you up
and make sure you're safe,
460
00:20:20,919 --> 00:20:22,787
not to stay or anything.
461
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:31,495
My permit.
462
00:20:31,530 --> 00:20:32,897
I'm permitting you.
463
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:37,735
Let me just...
464
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,210
- No lock?
- Well, there's a door.
465
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,101
Zeb?
466
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,605
Zeb?
467
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,607
Good. He's not home.
468
00:21:16,642 --> 00:21:19,109
[Stammering]
So this is a, a two-bedroom?
469
00:21:19,144 --> 00:21:20,978
Uh, almost, yeah.
470
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:22,145
You want a tour?
471
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:23,914
Uh, no, I think I'm good.
472
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,183
So... so you're...
473
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:29,153
Oh, be an adult and come in.
474
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:33,624
Did you bring your rape whistle?
475
00:21:33,659 --> 00:21:34,791
- Rarr!
- Jesus!
476
00:21:34,826 --> 00:21:38,228
[Laughing]
477
00:21:38,263 --> 00:21:40,097
- [Ken sighs]
- Oh, my god.
478
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:41,632
Shit. I'm so sorry.
479
00:21:41,667 --> 00:21:42,977
- Are you okay?
- No, I'm totally fine.
480
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:45,235
It's just a little arrhythmia.
481
00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:46,770
So what's Zeb?
482
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:49,740
Uh, Zeb's my roommate.
483
00:21:49,775 --> 00:21:51,241
- Oh.
- He's never here though.
484
00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:53,811
His mom has Alzheimer's and...
485
00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:01,719
Fiesta mix?
486
00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:07,891
Most people find it surprising
that I'm a wine connoisseur.
487
00:22:07,926 --> 00:22:10,661
My dad sells wine
so I got my sommelier license
488
00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:11,995
when I was in high school.
489
00:22:12,030 --> 00:22:14,264
I had to lie about my age.
490
00:22:14,299 --> 00:22:16,600
My dad used to lie about his age, too.
491
00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:17,935
And there was a while there
492
00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:20,771
where we're both pretending to be 24.
493
00:22:20,806 --> 00:22:22,773
I'm not gonna get all
pretentious on you.
494
00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:24,007
This is just a nice rosato.
495
00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:26,343
Hmm.
496
00:22:26,378 --> 00:22:28,178
Well, I'm more of
a beer guy anyway so...
497
00:22:28,213 --> 00:22:31,715
Uh-huh.
498
00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:34,885
It's made by inmates
at a penal colony in longoria.
499
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,219
It's good, right?
500
00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:37,921
Yeah, actually, it's really good.
501
00:22:37,956 --> 00:22:39,723
Oh, my god. Don't use actually.
502
00:22:39,758 --> 00:22:41,859
It means surprisingly. I hate that.
503
00:22:43,328 --> 00:22:44,895
Yeah, the dickhead left my mom
504
00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:46,274
when she was pregnant with my brother
505
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:48,966
- and I was three.
- Wow, that's terrible.
506
00:22:49,001 --> 00:22:50,267
Your parents married?
507
00:22:50,302 --> 00:22:53,136
Uh, my parents were married. They died.
508
00:22:53,171 --> 00:22:56,006
Like, together? So you're an orphan?
509
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:58,709
[Laughing]
510
00:22:58,744 --> 00:23:00,221
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
511
00:23:00,245 --> 00:23:01,979
I don't know either.
512
00:23:02,014 --> 00:23:03,981
- I should get going.
- Why?
513
00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:06,717
I don't know. I just,
I don't think it's appropriate.
514
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:11,021
Did she call? Your wife?
515
00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:16,226
Do you think she's gonna?
516
00:23:17,696 --> 00:23:19,963
Is she the grudge holding type?
517
00:23:19,998 --> 00:23:21,798
[Sighs] I should get going.
518
00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:24,268
But I haven't even given you
the grand tour.
519
00:23:27,272 --> 00:23:30,407
Ken surveys the apartment
from the kitchen.
520
00:23:30,442 --> 00:23:32,275
Ken can't fathom living like this.
521
00:23:32,310 --> 00:23:33,910
A space this small?
522
00:23:33,945 --> 00:23:36,780
Two adults, strangers, perhaps.
523
00:23:36,815 --> 00:23:38,348
This is Holly's normal.
524
00:23:38,383 --> 00:23:41,018
- Hmm. Nice place.
- Thanks.
525
00:23:43,955 --> 00:23:46,056
That's my roommate's.
526
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:47,958
This is all my roommate's crap.
527
00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:54,731
- How'd you do that?
- Uh, actually,
528
00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:56,833
I'm really good in this realm,
529
00:23:56,868 --> 00:24:00,337
puzzle doing, Lego building,
530
00:24:00,372 --> 00:24:03,840
uh, video game playing,
tadpole catching.
531
00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:05,709
But I love me some puzzles.
532
00:24:05,744 --> 00:24:07,844
They're totally addictive.
533
00:24:07,879 --> 00:24:10,847
Are you an addict?
Any history of addiction?
534
00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:13,250
- No.
- Thank god.
535
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:15,786
Why?
536
00:24:15,821 --> 00:24:17,688
I always fall for the addicts.
537
00:24:17,723 --> 00:24:20,257
Well, I guess you won't be
falling for me.
538
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,826
I might make an exception.
539
00:24:26,998 --> 00:24:30,267
Can I, um, you got a, a bathroom?
540
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,821
Di, I know you're there.
I can see the goddamn bubbles, okay?
541
00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:26,022
So call me back.
542
00:25:26,057 --> 00:25:27,524
Fuck.
543
00:25:27,559 --> 00:25:29,259
That fucking cunt.
544
00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:32,730
Fuck it. Fuck it.
545
00:26:06,464 --> 00:26:08,131
Don't judge.
546
00:26:08,166 --> 00:26:10,000
I have my card for insomnia.
547
00:26:10,035 --> 00:26:13,003
- For real.
- Oh,
548
00:26:13,038 --> 00:26:15,872
I'm in no position to judge.
549
00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:18,909
I used to smoke a bit of
the ganja back in the day.
550
00:26:23,915 --> 00:26:25,949
You want some?
551
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:34,958
Listen,
552
00:26:36,127 --> 00:26:38,428
I... I normally never do this.
553
00:26:38,463 --> 00:26:40,430
That's cool.
554
00:26:51,309 --> 00:26:53,143
I mean, I needed this.
555
00:26:53,178 --> 00:26:55,512
Yeah, I know.
556
00:27:03,188 --> 00:27:06,022
So what started the whole thing anyway?
557
00:27:06,057 --> 00:27:08,525
- What whole thing?
- With your wife.
558
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,127
Oh, god. I don't know.
559
00:27:11,162 --> 00:27:13,096
You don't know?
560
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:14,431
How long have you been married?
561
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:15,999
Can we change the subject?
562
00:27:16,034 --> 00:27:18,035
Okay, how old are your kids?
563
00:27:23,375 --> 00:27:25,075
Hi.
564
00:27:39,524 --> 00:27:42,092
No, I get it. You're being shy.
565
00:27:42,127 --> 00:27:45,395
I can be very...
566
00:27:45,430 --> 00:27:47,564
Well, I'm making a documentary
in my spare time
567
00:27:47,599 --> 00:27:51,034
so I can be very probing.
568
00:27:51,069 --> 00:27:53,070
- In your spare time?
- Mm.
569
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:56,306
But a lot of spare time.
570
00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:58,008
No husband.
571
00:27:58,043 --> 00:28:00,410
No kids.
572
00:28:00,445 --> 00:28:03,647
Just a stalker and a lot of spare time.
573
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:05,916
I'm on the list.
574
00:28:07,385 --> 00:28:09,319
What's your show about?
575
00:28:09,354 --> 00:28:11,454
What's your documentary about?
576
00:28:11,489 --> 00:28:16,059
I've been following the west Covina
high school pep squad for two years.
577
00:28:16,094 --> 00:28:17,427
It's a four-year project.
578
00:28:19,431 --> 00:28:20,931
What?
579
00:28:20,966 --> 00:28:24,000
[Laughs] Yeah, I know.
580
00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:26,603
Well, I was never on a team or
a squad or anything like that
581
00:28:26,638 --> 00:28:30,140
so it's very cathartic.
582
00:28:30,175 --> 00:28:32,342
But, I mean, seriously,
583
00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:34,344
you think you have problems?
584
00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:37,314
These kids. [Laughs]
585
00:28:37,349 --> 00:28:39,382
Oh, my god.
586
00:28:39,417 --> 00:28:41,551
It's awful.
587
00:28:41,586 --> 00:28:44,588
[Laughter]
588
00:29:01,272 --> 00:29:05,275
[Stammering] This isn't what I come up...
I came up here for.
589
00:29:05,310 --> 00:29:07,744
What? I mean, you thought about it.
590
00:29:07,779 --> 00:29:10,613
Well, yeah, in abstract,
but that's completely different.
591
00:29:10,648 --> 00:29:12,615
[Sighs]
592
00:29:12,650 --> 00:29:15,485
This is mortifying.
593
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,654
Where... where... where're you going?
594
00:29:54,392 --> 00:29:55,726
Fuck it.
595
00:30:20,718 --> 00:30:22,685
You're wasted.
596
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:26,056
No, I'm good. Good.
597
00:30:32,697 --> 00:30:34,231
Okay.
598
00:30:38,436 --> 00:30:40,737
[Laughing]
599
00:30:44,209 --> 00:30:45,642
Ow!
600
00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:49,546
Ah, okay. That was fun.
601
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,651
Oh, no, you don't.
602
00:31:33,558 --> 00:31:35,559
[Heavy breathing]
603
00:31:44,269 --> 00:31:46,436
Oh, god, okay.
604
00:31:57,749 --> 00:32:00,817
[Gasping]
605
00:32:16,801 --> 00:32:18,368
Jesus Christ.
606
00:32:26,811 --> 00:32:30,346
I'm so much better than this.
607
00:32:30,381 --> 00:32:31,715
You are.
608
00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:41,958
Oh, I'm sorry.
609
00:32:41,993 --> 00:32:45,328
How do these even help you anyway?
610
00:32:45,363 --> 00:32:48,665
Look, my, my problems
are your problems, okay?
611
00:32:48,700 --> 00:32:50,366
They have nothing to do with you.
612
00:32:50,401 --> 00:32:52,835
Are you petting me?
613
00:32:52,870 --> 00:32:55,371
Oh, my gosh. Your skin is so soft.
614
00:32:55,406 --> 00:32:57,373
Jesus.
615
00:32:57,408 --> 00:32:59,242
I loofah.
616
00:32:59,277 --> 00:33:00,510
Yeah?
617
00:33:19,731 --> 00:33:21,431
Ah, fuck.
618
00:33:52,730 --> 00:33:55,031
Hey, uh,
619
00:33:55,066 --> 00:33:57,267
thanks for, um...
620
00:33:58,403 --> 00:34:01,871
No, don't, don't go.
621
00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:07,410
- I'm sorry for...
- No, it's okay.
622
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:10,280
You don't have to go.
623
00:34:10,315 --> 00:34:12,582
I mean, you haven't even told me
624
00:34:12,617 --> 00:34:14,450
your idea for a movie or anything.
625
00:34:14,485 --> 00:34:16,619
- It's a show idea.
- Oh.
626
00:34:16,654 --> 00:34:18,788
And it's dead so...
627
00:34:18,823 --> 00:34:20,356
So he really walked out on your set?
628
00:34:20,391 --> 00:34:21,591
Yes.
629
00:34:21,626 --> 00:34:23,960
Oh, my god. That's rude.
630
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:28,331
So he never even heard anything?
631
00:34:28,366 --> 00:34:30,633
I mean,
632
00:34:30,668 --> 00:34:32,835
why don't you tell me? I'm curious.
633
00:34:32,870 --> 00:34:35,872
- Don't be.
- No, no.
634
00:34:37,975 --> 00:34:40,610
I'm not letting you leave...
635
00:34:40,645 --> 00:34:42,412
Until you tell me your pitch.
636
00:34:47,819 --> 00:34:52,755
Okay. All right.
637
00:34:52,790 --> 00:34:54,624
So it's like Anthony Bourdain
with a twist.
638
00:34:54,659 --> 00:34:56,659
I'm tasting everything but the food.
639
00:34:56,694 --> 00:34:58,428
Why aren't you tasting the food?
640
00:34:58,463 --> 00:35:00,040
- Do you wanna hear it or?
- Okay, sorry. I'm listening.
641
00:35:00,064 --> 00:35:02,765
Okay, so ever episode is a one-nighter
642
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,635
in a new exotic sort of shithole, right?
643
00:35:05,670 --> 00:35:07,637
Brothels, opium dens, nightclubs...
644
00:35:07,672 --> 00:35:09,706
- Can I ask you something?
- Can I just finish?
645
00:35:09,741 --> 00:35:12,041
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, so, um,
646
00:35:12,076 --> 00:35:16,045
oh, so I'm traveling to the sexiest,
seediest places on the planet,
647
00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,882
one guy, one place, all night.
648
00:35:20,451 --> 00:35:22,352
So this is supposed to be you?
649
00:35:22,387 --> 00:35:25,355
Well, it's based on these segments on MTV.
You remember...?
650
00:35:25,390 --> 00:35:27,090
Well, it's me, it's not really me so.
651
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:30,626
- Okay. So if it's you...
- Uh, based on me.
652
00:35:30,661 --> 00:35:33,796
Then where's your wife and kids?
653
00:35:33,831 --> 00:35:36,799
I mean, do you Skype them
from your skanky motel room
654
00:35:36,834 --> 00:35:39,635
at the end of every episode or...?
655
00:35:39,670 --> 00:35:42,872
- Gus is single.
- Who's Gus?
656
00:35:42,907 --> 00:35:45,575
Gus is the character I'm playing.
657
00:35:45,610 --> 00:35:47,910
- Okay, I'm really confused.
- It's fiction.
658
00:35:47,945 --> 00:35:49,512
Oh, my god. It doesn't matter.
659
00:35:49,547 --> 00:35:50,980
It does matter.
660
00:35:57,488 --> 00:36:00,690
What if Gus isn't Gus?
661
00:36:00,725 --> 00:36:03,393
I mean, what if Gus is Ken?
662
00:36:03,428 --> 00:36:05,862
Ken is so interesting.
663
00:36:05,897 --> 00:36:08,564
I mean, he's a middle-aged
stay-at-home dad,
664
00:36:08,599 --> 00:36:11,434
slash part-time comic
who's lost his edge
665
00:36:11,469 --> 00:36:13,136
and he suffers from anxiety,
666
00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:15,138
self loathing, self-doubt, everything.
667
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:16,683
Yeah, okay,
this isn't anything that I...
668
00:36:16,707 --> 00:36:18,040
Listen, listen, listen.
669
00:36:18,075 --> 00:36:22,645
Ken's marriage
is barely hanging in there.
670
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:24,647
I mean,
671
00:36:24,682 --> 00:36:26,482
your wife's the bread winner, isn't she?
672
00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:28,451
So?
673
00:36:30,455 --> 00:36:33,923
So that can't be easy. I mean,
there's gotta be a lot of tension.
674
00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:38,795
I mean, I think they can barely
fake it anymore, right?
675
00:36:38,830 --> 00:36:43,766
So inevitably one night,
some minor offense triggers
676
00:36:43,801 --> 00:36:45,935
this, like, epic fight between them.
677
00:36:45,970 --> 00:36:49,506
You never told me
what that was about anyway.
678
00:36:54,612 --> 00:36:57,113
Anyway, Ken leaves.
679
00:36:58,783 --> 00:37:00,093
Or his wife kicks him out.
Which one was it?
680
00:37:00,117 --> 00:37:03,019
- I, can we not...
- Okay, okay.
681
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:06,856
So that's when he goes to the club.
682
00:37:08,192 --> 00:37:09,559
And that's where he meets
683
00:37:09,594 --> 00:37:12,195
this very intriguing person.
684
00:37:14,532 --> 00:37:18,000
Played by me. We'll call her Holly.
685
00:37:18,035 --> 00:37:19,702
Anyway,
686
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:23,673
Holly is real and raw.
687
00:37:23,708 --> 00:37:26,542
She doesn't give a fuck.
688
00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:29,879
Basically, she just inspires Ken.
689
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:31,581
You know?
690
00:37:31,616 --> 00:37:33,116
Even though they've never met.
691
00:37:35,686 --> 00:37:37,753
And the next time he goes up onstage,
692
00:37:37,788 --> 00:37:40,923
he vomits up the most
intensely personal set
693
00:37:40,958 --> 00:37:45,261
all about his wife and
his kids and his sex life,
694
00:37:45,296 --> 00:37:47,263
or lack there of, I'm guessing.
695
00:37:47,298 --> 00:37:49,966
Okay, and how's any of this
funny at all?
696
00:37:51,702 --> 00:37:54,670
Because it's true.
697
00:37:54,705 --> 00:37:57,673
And the audience loves it.
They go crazy.
698
00:37:57,708 --> 00:38:00,977
He gets his confidence back,
his shows start selling out.
699
00:38:01,012 --> 00:38:04,714
Yeah, and his wife has no idea
that he's crucifying her
700
00:38:04,749 --> 00:38:06,883
on a nightly basis, huh?
701
00:38:06,918 --> 00:38:09,552
No, she's so self-involved.
How would she know?
702
00:38:11,923 --> 00:38:14,056
She also doesn't know
703
00:38:14,091 --> 00:38:16,926
that Ken can't stop
thinking about Holly.
704
00:38:18,930 --> 00:38:22,899
Oh, so Holly's, Holly's
still around, huh?
705
00:38:22,934 --> 00:38:24,901
Yeah.
706
00:38:24,936 --> 00:38:28,604
He's actually gotten
kind of obsessed with her.
707
00:38:28,639 --> 00:38:31,774
He started stalking her.
708
00:38:31,809 --> 00:38:33,643
Ken sounds creepy.
709
00:38:35,780 --> 00:38:37,113
He's lonely.
710
00:38:40,117 --> 00:38:42,752
So anyway,
711
00:38:42,787 --> 00:38:44,921
Holly finds out about Ken,
712
00:38:44,956 --> 00:38:47,924
how he's been stalking her,
713
00:38:47,959 --> 00:38:50,760
and of course that
714
00:38:50,795 --> 00:38:52,128
totally turns her on.
715
00:38:54,098 --> 00:38:55,965
- It does?
- Mm.
716
00:38:57,768 --> 00:39:01,704
In mid-season
they start this wild affair.
717
00:39:05,309 --> 00:39:07,977
What about his marriage?
718
00:39:10,948 --> 00:39:12,248
Actually, the sex with his wife
719
00:39:12,283 --> 00:39:14,951
hasn't ever been better.
720
00:39:14,986 --> 00:39:19,322
Oh, yeah, so Ken's... he's got it all, huh?
721
00:39:21,392 --> 00:39:24,226
No.
722
00:39:24,261 --> 00:39:25,928
Actually your wife is gonna find out
723
00:39:25,963 --> 00:39:29,265
that you've been
humiliating her on stage,
724
00:39:29,300 --> 00:39:32,769
and about the stalking and Holly.
725
00:39:34,305 --> 00:39:38,107
And then season one can end with
726
00:39:38,142 --> 00:39:40,810
Ken's whole life blowing up in his face.
727
00:39:42,813 --> 00:39:45,582
And season two can end with...
728
00:39:46,917 --> 00:39:48,918
You know, the messy divorce.
729
00:39:53,824 --> 00:39:57,793
So basically, it's a love
triangle between a guy,
730
00:39:57,828 --> 00:39:59,095
his wife,
731
00:39:59,130 --> 00:40:01,797
and the woman that he's stalking
732
00:40:01,832 --> 00:40:03,866
set in the comedy world.
733
00:40:05,136 --> 00:40:08,704
I'd watch that.
734
00:40:08,739 --> 00:40:12,708
Then Ken is basically a lying,
cheating, soulless,
735
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:14,844
stalker piece of shit?
736
00:40:16,681 --> 00:40:19,649
My wife would love that.
737
00:40:19,684 --> 00:40:21,784
When we sell the TV show
and your wife won't care
738
00:40:21,819 --> 00:40:24,286
if you're a serial killer.
739
00:40:24,321 --> 00:40:26,723
When did this become a we thing, huh?
740
00:40:29,460 --> 00:40:31,227
Just now.
741
00:40:36,067 --> 00:40:37,333
- I gotta go.
- No, no.
742
00:40:37,368 --> 00:40:39,201
Uh, jeez.
743
00:40:39,236 --> 00:40:42,071
Don't go.
744
00:40:42,106 --> 00:40:44,107
You're a great audience.
745
00:41:39,029 --> 00:41:41,764
Oh, look at you.
746
00:43:11,121 --> 00:43:12,955
Oh, gee, sor... sorry.
747
00:43:12,990 --> 00:43:14,957
Oh, I'm Zeb. I'm Holly's roommate.
748
00:43:14,992 --> 00:43:16,892
She said you weren't home.
749
00:43:16,927 --> 00:43:19,195
Oh, Holly knows. She knows I'm in here.
750
00:43:19,230 --> 00:43:22,164
- No, she doesn't know.
- Yes, she knows.
751
00:43:22,199 --> 00:43:27,036
I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
752
00:43:27,071 --> 00:43:29,071
About... about what?
753
00:43:29,106 --> 00:43:32,842
[Sighs] Sounds like you're
having troubles with your wife.
754
00:43:32,877 --> 00:43:35,978
So... you just hide in here
eavesdropping?
755
00:43:36,013 --> 00:43:37,313
It's my room.
756
00:43:37,348 --> 00:43:40,216
The walls are unusually thin.
757
00:43:40,251 --> 00:43:44,587
I doubt I heard everything.
Just come in. Come in.
758
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:48,624
- Is that your parakeet in the freezer?
- Yeah. Why?
759
00:43:48,659 --> 00:43:50,893
Well, I was hungry,
so I went over there to...
760
00:43:50,928 --> 00:43:54,496
Oh, you're hungry!
Oh! Oh! I got pound cake.
761
00:43:54,531 --> 00:43:56,632
Homemade with raisins.
762
00:43:56,667 --> 00:43:59,568
[Clears his throat] Uh, here.
763
00:43:59,603 --> 00:44:02,137
The parakeet is my daughter's.
764
00:44:02,172 --> 00:44:04,206
It's actually a Jacobean rock pigeon.
765
00:44:04,241 --> 00:44:06,108
His name was fuchsia.
766
00:44:06,143 --> 00:44:08,344
I promised her we would
bury him together,
767
00:44:08,379 --> 00:44:11,447
so I'm just waiting to see her
so we can do that,
768
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,983
together bury him.
769
00:44:15,386 --> 00:44:17,186
Here she is.
770
00:44:17,221 --> 00:44:19,355
Here. Here.
771
00:44:19,390 --> 00:44:21,524
That's the most recent.
772
00:44:24,028 --> 00:44:25,427
That's, that's her?
773
00:44:25,462 --> 00:44:27,229
[Zeb] Yup, right there.
774
00:44:27,264 --> 00:44:31,367
That's my Avery, and
she did all this artwork.
775
00:44:35,539 --> 00:44:37,106
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
776
00:44:37,141 --> 00:44:41,043
Okay, I'm just gonna, I'll just... out.
777
00:44:41,078 --> 00:44:42,945
[Stuttering] You write TV?
778
00:44:42,980 --> 00:44:44,947
Uh, trying to.
779
00:44:44,982 --> 00:44:47,182
[Stammering] I heard your show idea.
780
00:44:47,217 --> 00:44:49,285
- I liked it.
- Really?
781
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:50,920
Yeah, it sounds mindless.
782
00:44:50,955 --> 00:44:55,024
[Sighs] So what is it...
what is it you do, Zeb?
783
00:44:55,059 --> 00:44:59,395
Okay, well, mostly I support my mom.
784
00:44:59,430 --> 00:45:02,932
When I'm not supporting her,
I send child support to...
785
00:45:02,967 --> 00:45:06,335
for my daughter who my evil ex
has barred me from seeing.
786
00:45:06,370 --> 00:45:08,470
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- She's blocked my number
787
00:45:08,505 --> 00:45:10,005
and my email on Avery's phone,
788
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:11,941
so I have no way of talking to her.
789
00:45:11,976 --> 00:45:13,342
Except through her, the cunt.
790
00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:14,710
Yeah, it's rough.
791
00:45:14,745 --> 00:45:17,279
We were following
each other on pictogram,
792
00:45:17,314 --> 00:45:20,115
but her mom figured it out,
shut that down.
793
00:45:20,150 --> 00:45:22,952
So I downloaded this app.
794
00:45:22,987 --> 00:45:27,556
See? I can track her emails,
her texts, her location.
795
00:45:27,591 --> 00:45:29,491
This way I can always find her.
796
00:45:29,526 --> 00:45:32,628
And she can always send me
a secret message
797
00:45:32,663 --> 00:45:34,997
through an email to a friend,
or something.
798
00:45:35,032 --> 00:45:39,168
- And does she?
- Not yet.
799
00:45:39,203 --> 00:45:41,170
So... so that's what I do.
800
00:45:41,205 --> 00:45:43,739
I sit here and study the quagmire
801
00:45:43,774 --> 00:45:45,541
of California divorce law,
802
00:45:45,576 --> 00:45:47,276
and I bartend to try and stay afloat.
803
00:45:47,311 --> 00:45:50,112
Bartending's okay.
Mixing drinks, listening,
804
00:45:50,147 --> 00:45:51,547
pretending to care.
805
00:45:51,582 --> 00:45:54,383
What I've learned,
nobody means to be horrible.
806
00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:56,385
They just are horrible.
807
00:45:59,223 --> 00:46:01,357
So Holly lives in your closet?
808
00:46:01,392 --> 00:46:03,425
She's got a window and a door.
809
00:46:03,460 --> 00:46:06,528
And, uh, you and her just?
810
00:46:06,563 --> 00:46:08,497
No, no, no, no. Not that I wouldn't.
811
00:46:08,532 --> 00:46:12,568
I, it's just, it hasn't
really come to that, yet.
812
00:46:12,603 --> 00:46:14,437
- I see.
- [Clears throat] She's never boring.
813
00:46:16,273 --> 00:46:19,408
Well, sometimes she, uh,
814
00:46:19,443 --> 00:46:21,176
- What?
- Nothing.
815
00:46:21,211 --> 00:46:22,611
No, tell me. What?
816
00:46:22,646 --> 00:46:27,082
Well, I'll tell you what,
she... wait a minute.
817
00:46:27,117 --> 00:46:30,119
Are you planning on fucking her
or going back to your wife?
818
00:46:30,154 --> 00:46:31,731
I, uh, I guess those
are my options, huh?
819
00:46:31,755 --> 00:46:33,489
Yeah, well, you could do both.
820
00:46:33,524 --> 00:46:35,368
[Sighs] I don't think I have
the energy for either.
821
00:46:35,392 --> 00:46:37,459
Oh! Homemade energy drink.
822
00:46:37,494 --> 00:46:39,728
It really, really works.
823
00:46:39,763 --> 00:46:43,799
It's 3:00 in the morning, Zeb.
824
00:46:43,834 --> 00:46:45,768
I just think I wanna sleep.
825
00:46:45,803 --> 00:46:48,637
Oh, uh, well then...
826
00:46:52,109 --> 00:46:54,810
Something homemade also?
827
00:46:54,845 --> 00:46:56,746
Family recipe.
828
00:47:01,585 --> 00:47:04,119
Ah.
829
00:47:04,154 --> 00:47:08,090
Listen to me, go back to your wife.
830
00:47:08,125 --> 00:47:10,793
You have no idea
of the shit that goes down.
831
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,629
I could tell you
aneurysm-inducing stories.
832
00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:16,432
I don't care what kind of
righteous bitch your wife is,
833
00:47:16,467 --> 00:47:17,800
tell her what she wants to hear.
834
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:20,202
These cunts steal the kids.
835
00:47:20,237 --> 00:47:23,372
If I were you, I would just go.
836
00:47:23,407 --> 00:47:25,374
I'll tell Holly you said good-bye.
837
00:47:25,409 --> 00:47:26,775
Just go, go.
Go, go, go.
838
00:47:26,810 --> 00:47:28,310
Go on.
839
00:47:28,345 --> 00:47:29,645
- Yes.
- Yeah.
840
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:43,352
Are you Chip?
841
00:48:43,387 --> 00:48:46,221
Well, [coughs] who the fuck are you?
842
00:48:46,256 --> 00:48:47,634
I'm a friend of Holly's, all right?
843
00:48:47,658 --> 00:48:49,725
Oh, yeah? How do you know her?
844
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,494
Oh, geez, it's late, just,
I think it's time you went home.
845
00:48:52,529 --> 00:48:53,740
You think it's time I went home?
846
00:48:53,764 --> 00:48:55,931
Fuck you, telling me what to do.
847
00:48:55,966 --> 00:48:58,300
You go home.
848
00:48:58,335 --> 00:48:59,702
Fuck you.
849
00:49:15,485 --> 00:49:17,519
[Pounding on door]
850
00:49:17,554 --> 00:49:19,188
Oh, come on!
851
00:49:23,627 --> 00:49:24,760
What?
852
00:49:24,795 --> 00:49:26,528
May I please speak with Holly?
853
00:49:26,563 --> 00:49:29,631
Uh, Chip, this is not
a good time right now, okay?
854
00:49:29,666 --> 00:49:31,633
She's asleep. We all should be asleep.
855
00:49:31,668 --> 00:49:33,202
I really need to speak to Holly.
856
00:49:33,237 --> 00:49:34,436
- Holly!
- I'm sorry.
857
00:49:34,471 --> 00:49:36,572
- Holly!
- [holly] What's going on?
858
00:49:36,607 --> 00:49:38,574
You guys, seriously?
859
00:49:38,609 --> 00:49:41,910
- Holly, may I please come in?
- No.
860
00:49:41,945 --> 00:49:44,947
Okay, just tell me this,
who is he? Who the hell is he?
861
00:49:44,982 --> 00:49:47,449
Chip, don't.
862
00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:50,919
Holly, I... I really need
to speak to you...
863
00:49:50,954 --> 00:49:52,287
In private.
864
00:49:52,322 --> 00:49:54,890
I'm tired, Chip.
865
00:49:54,925 --> 00:49:56,658
Holly, just,
866
00:49:56,693 --> 00:49:58,894
Holly...
867
00:49:58,929 --> 00:50:02,764
Holly, I'm telling you,
868
00:50:02,799 --> 00:50:04,299
it's him.
869
00:50:04,334 --> 00:50:07,536
What are you talking about?
870
00:50:07,571 --> 00:50:09,938
- He's your stalker.
- [Blows raspberry]
871
00:50:09,973 --> 00:50:13,242
Can we just... can we not
do this in the doorway?
872
00:50:32,062 --> 00:50:36,932
This is so unfair.
873
00:50:36,967 --> 00:50:38,267
I'm the one being persecuted.
874
00:50:38,302 --> 00:50:39,635
Are you insane?
875
00:50:39,670 --> 00:50:41,270
And do you know that he's married?
876
00:50:41,305 --> 00:50:44,640
- Married.
- Okay. I'm sorry, Chip.
877
00:50:44,675 --> 00:50:46,308
But I keep breaking up with you,
878
00:50:46,343 --> 00:50:48,310
and you keep not listening.
879
00:50:48,345 --> 00:50:49,544
What are you talking about?
880
00:50:49,579 --> 00:50:52,281
I just don't think that I'm ready
881
00:50:52,316 --> 00:50:54,549
for the kind of commitment
that you want.
882
00:50:54,584 --> 00:50:55,828
You never even asked what I want.
883
00:50:55,852 --> 00:50:57,352
It's all about what you want.
884
00:50:57,387 --> 00:50:58,487
It's all about you.
885
00:50:58,522 --> 00:51:00,789
You. You, you, you, you, you.
886
00:51:00,824 --> 00:51:02,391
Doing things for you.
887
00:51:02,426 --> 00:51:04,326
Getting your dry-cleaning for you.
888
00:51:04,361 --> 00:51:05,927
Showing up here for you.
889
00:51:05,962 --> 00:51:07,674
- I think you should go, man.
- Oh, you know what?
890
00:51:07,698 --> 00:51:08,730
I think you should go.
891
00:51:08,765 --> 00:51:09,798
No, you stay.
892
00:51:09,833 --> 00:51:11,500
I'm staying if he's staying.
893
00:51:11,535 --> 00:51:13,313
- Uh, I'll go when you go.
- Why should I be the one to go?
894
00:51:13,337 --> 00:51:14,936
Yeah, why should I be the go one?
895
00:51:14,971 --> 00:51:18,007
- I think they both should go.
- Will you guys just shut up?
896
00:51:21,111 --> 00:51:22,778
Why does this keep happening to me?
897
00:51:22,813 --> 00:51:25,948
Because you keep bringing them home.
898
00:51:27,551 --> 00:51:31,753
Oh, my god, it's like I'm in the matrix.
899
00:51:31,788 --> 00:51:34,723
And my eyes have been opened.
900
00:51:34,758 --> 00:51:36,558
You're full of fucking shit.
901
00:51:44,034 --> 00:51:47,102
What's this?
902
00:51:47,137 --> 00:51:48,603
Oh, shit.
903
00:51:48,638 --> 00:51:51,373
When did this happen?
904
00:51:51,408 --> 00:51:53,842
I don't know.
905
00:51:53,877 --> 00:51:57,880
Oh, my god, it is... it's bone dry.
906
00:52:01,017 --> 00:52:02,918
You promised me you'd take care of it.
907
00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:04,486
[Holly] I did what you said.
908
00:52:04,521 --> 00:52:08,524
Um, no, you didn't.
909
00:52:09,693 --> 00:52:10,859
You forgot about it.
910
00:52:10,894 --> 00:52:12,861
And you killed it.
911
00:52:12,896 --> 00:52:18,400
And it didn't need much.
912
00:52:18,435 --> 00:52:19,601
- I want you.
- You what?
913
00:52:19,636 --> 00:52:20,969
No, you don't get to do that.
914
00:52:21,004 --> 00:52:26,074
No more mind changes,
no more mixed messages,
915
00:52:26,109 --> 00:52:30,045
no more me.
916
00:52:30,080 --> 00:52:33,115
Good night. Take my mug.
917
00:52:33,150 --> 00:52:36,084
And look! My John Varvatos sunglasses.
918
00:52:36,119 --> 00:52:37,152
John Varvatos.
919
00:52:37,187 --> 00:52:39,621
No more lazy in the sun days.
920
00:52:48,899 --> 00:52:50,476
I know things have been
really hard on you, man,
921
00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:54,836
just... hang in there, okay?
922
00:52:54,871 --> 00:52:57,072
Okay? Good luck.
923
00:52:57,107 --> 00:52:58,974
Come here.
924
00:53:01,978 --> 00:53:03,612
Hang in there, Zeb.
925
00:53:03,647 --> 00:53:06,681
[Kisses]
926
00:53:06,716 --> 00:53:09,584
And... game over.
927
00:53:09,619 --> 00:53:12,421
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
928
00:53:12,456 --> 00:53:15,824
You win after all.
929
00:53:15,859 --> 00:53:20,129
Enjoy your once a month anal,
no roll over, no cuddling.
930
00:53:29,940 --> 00:53:31,606
Do you believe it? He left!
931
00:53:31,641 --> 00:53:33,742
[Zeb] Yeah, I thought it was perfect.
932
00:53:33,777 --> 00:53:36,189
- [Holly] Whoo!
- [Zeb] Oh, my god. Those were my fucking sunglasses.
933
00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:37,990
- [Holly] Those were totally your sunglasses.
- [Zeb] He took my sunglasses.
934
00:53:38,014 --> 00:53:40,092
[Holly] I know, I'm sorry.
I'll get you another pair.
935
00:53:40,116 --> 00:53:41,227
- I'm sorry.
- [Zeb] Oh, my god.
936
00:53:41,251 --> 00:53:43,084
I thought he was gonna kill me.
937
00:53:43,119 --> 00:53:44,197
[Holly] I know.
[Imitates gunshot] Right over your head.
938
00:53:44,221 --> 00:53:46,021
[Zeb] Oh, oh, yeah.
939
00:53:53,263 --> 00:53:54,996
[Snapping]
940
00:53:55,031 --> 00:53:57,632
Stop it.
941
00:53:57,667 --> 00:53:59,101
What are you doing?
942
00:54:01,705 --> 00:54:04,940
- What are you doing?
- I'm making sure this guy's not a sicko, okay?
943
00:54:04,975 --> 00:54:08,176
- Stop it!
- Why? We don't know who this guy is.
944
00:54:08,211 --> 00:54:11,012
He drives a mini-van.
945
00:54:11,047 --> 00:54:15,250
Oh, my god. Seriously?
946
00:54:15,285 --> 00:54:17,619
He wanted to sleep.
947
00:54:17,654 --> 00:54:19,488
- [Holly] What's that?
- What?
948
00:54:19,523 --> 00:54:20,823
[Holly] Stop it!
949
00:54:23,560 --> 00:54:24,893
What is it?
950
00:54:24,928 --> 00:54:26,495
Oh!
951
00:54:31,835 --> 00:54:34,202
Timeless. It's from his wife.
952
00:54:34,237 --> 00:54:37,806
She's the breadwinner.
953
00:54:37,841 --> 00:54:39,040
I wonder what he got her.
954
00:54:39,075 --> 00:54:40,775
[Zeb sighs] You know what?
955
00:54:40,810 --> 00:54:44,112
You've gotta stop torturing yourself.
956
00:54:44,147 --> 00:54:45,814
Okay?
957
00:54:47,551 --> 00:54:49,251
Come here.
958
00:54:53,023 --> 00:54:54,656
Help.
959
00:55:06,236 --> 00:55:07,236
[Kiss]
960
00:55:18,648 --> 00:55:21,884
[Sighs] I'll leave you two here alone.
961
00:55:23,353 --> 00:55:24,887
Bye.
962
00:55:36,299 --> 00:55:38,133
[Banging]
963
00:55:48,712 --> 00:55:49,912
God.
964
00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:23,082
Ken, it's Kirstie,
the meeting is still on,
965
00:57:23,106 --> 00:57:24,939
despite what went on last night.
966
00:57:24,974 --> 00:57:27,709
Uh, the location has been changed though,
so check your email,
967
00:57:27,744 --> 00:57:29,378
and don't be late.
968
00:57:44,894 --> 00:57:46,328
Shit.
969
00:58:03,513 --> 00:58:05,914
Mike! Joe!
970
00:58:05,949 --> 00:58:06,949
Guys!
971
00:58:06,983 --> 00:58:08,783
They're not here.
972
00:58:08,818 --> 00:58:10,719
Yeah, well, where are they?
973
00:58:10,754 --> 00:58:11,986
Why is your sister here?
974
00:58:12,021 --> 00:58:13,488
Why wouldn't I be?
975
00:58:13,523 --> 00:58:15,156
Where were you?
976
00:58:15,191 --> 00:58:16,736
You told me not to
come home last night.
977
00:58:16,760 --> 00:58:19,094
I didn't mean
don't come home come home.
978
00:58:19,129 --> 00:58:20,906
Well, I thought that's what you meant
when you said don't come home.
979
00:58:20,930 --> 00:58:22,964
Yeah, I was drunk.
980
00:58:22,999 --> 00:58:25,366
I'd asked you specifically
to come home early, okay?
981
00:58:25,401 --> 00:58:27,068
It was a really, really
big show for me.
982
00:58:27,103 --> 00:58:30,371
Yeah, okay. I guess I fucked up.
983
00:58:30,406 --> 00:58:33,175
- What? You guess?
- How did the show go?
984
00:58:38,081 --> 00:58:41,049
I'm sorry.
985
00:58:41,084 --> 00:58:44,753
Well, you got me back though.
986
00:58:44,788 --> 00:58:46,866
You didn't tell me Joe
had a soccer game this morning.
987
00:58:46,890 --> 00:58:48,456
Yeah, well, it's on the calendar.
988
00:58:48,491 --> 00:58:51,259
- Yeah, how would I know that?
- Because it's the calendar.
989
00:58:51,294 --> 00:58:53,762
Luckily Michael woke me up and
knew how to put on shin guards.
990
00:58:53,797 --> 00:58:55,330
[Claire] We had no fucking clue.
991
00:58:55,365 --> 00:58:59,100
Uh! We got so lost
trying to find that friggin' game.
992
00:58:59,135 --> 00:59:01,069
You mean the soccer field in the park?
993
00:59:01,104 --> 00:59:02,437
Yeah, and then at half time,
994
00:59:02,472 --> 00:59:05,807
all these people started staring at me.
995
00:59:05,842 --> 00:59:08,209
They were just looking at me.
All these sweaty little kids,
996
00:59:08,244 --> 00:59:09,511
and their whiney dads,
997
00:59:09,546 --> 00:59:12,046
and all these loud over-medicated moms.
998
00:59:12,081 --> 00:59:14,149
They started surrounding me.
999
00:59:14,184 --> 00:59:17,185
I had no fucking idea it was
our week to bring snacks!
1000
00:59:17,220 --> 00:59:18,787
It's on the calendar, too, Di.
1001
00:59:18,822 --> 00:59:21,089
Oh, god, kids were crying.
1002
00:59:21,124 --> 00:59:22,991
It was like a wildlife show.
1003
00:59:23,026 --> 00:59:26,227
Oh! People were screaming
at me and shaming me.
1004
00:59:26,262 --> 00:59:27,862
- One of them spit on her.
- Claire.
1005
00:59:27,897 --> 00:59:29,430
No, I saw him. You didn't see him.
1006
00:59:29,465 --> 00:59:31,343
Okay, Claire, could you just
give us, like, one minute.
1007
00:59:31,367 --> 00:59:33,067
- What?
- Just give us a minute.
1008
00:59:33,102 --> 00:59:35,403
- Okay. Thank you.
- Whatever.
1009
00:59:35,438 --> 00:59:37,239
Thank you. I appreciate you.
1010
00:59:41,177 --> 00:59:45,346
Um, so where were you?
1011
00:59:45,381 --> 00:59:47,048
Well, you told me
not to come home so...
1012
00:59:47,083 --> 00:59:50,218
I know, I know, I know.
1013
00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:52,921
I get it.
1014
00:59:52,956 --> 00:59:55,857
You know I don't drink.
1015
00:59:55,892 --> 00:59:59,261
I was so incredibly wasted.
1016
01:00:04,000 --> 01:00:07,502
Whatever I said, I'm really sorry.
1017
01:00:07,537 --> 01:00:09,271
Yeah, me too.
1018
01:00:11,374 --> 01:00:16,144
I still would like to know
where you were though.
1019
01:00:16,179 --> 01:00:17,445
Where are the boys?
1020
01:00:17,480 --> 01:00:20,615
They went to some arcade place
1021
01:00:20,650 --> 01:00:23,218
with some friends from the game.
1022
01:00:23,253 --> 01:00:25,854
- Yeah, what friends?
- Just, like, you know, on his team.
1023
01:00:25,889 --> 01:00:29,357
They're like these brothers,
or twins, maybe, I don't know.
1024
01:00:29,392 --> 01:00:31,432
The mom offered to take them,
so I said it was fine.
1025
01:00:31,461 --> 01:00:33,995
Yeah, and what's the mom's name?
1026
01:00:34,030 --> 01:00:35,096
I don't know.
1027
01:00:35,131 --> 01:00:36,931
- Oh, my god.
- I don't know.
1028
01:00:36,966 --> 01:00:41,569
She's like a pink-looking
kind of round like vaguely.
1029
01:00:41,604 --> 01:00:44,505
- She's Russian.
- Yeah, but she was the only nice one,
1030
01:00:44,540 --> 01:00:46,307
okay, because the rest of those parents
1031
01:00:46,342 --> 01:00:49,143
- are fucking terrible.
- Cunts, all of them.
1032
01:00:49,178 --> 01:00:51,123
Um, you know, I don't know,
they've been pretty nice to me.
1033
01:00:51,147 --> 01:00:52,614
They seem like good parents.
1034
01:00:52,649 --> 01:00:54,493
Oh, unlike me, because
I'm a pretty shitty parent?
1035
01:00:54,517 --> 01:00:56,228
Oh, my god, no, Diane,
that's not what I'm saying.
1036
01:00:56,252 --> 01:00:57,997
I cancelled a conference call
for that soccer game.
1037
01:00:58,021 --> 01:00:59,398
You know how many things
I've had to miss
1038
01:00:59,422 --> 01:01:01,066
- because of our kids?
- Oh, what did you miss?
1039
01:01:01,090 --> 01:01:02,624
Some appearance in a dumb comedy hole?
1040
01:01:02,659 --> 01:01:04,359
Oh, my god, I don't know
why she's talking.
1041
01:01:04,394 --> 01:01:06,961
- Look, I gotta go, okay?
- What? You're leaving again?
1042
01:01:06,996 --> 01:01:08,140
I have somewhere I gotta be, Diane.
1043
01:01:08,164 --> 01:01:09,341
Well, where do you have to be?
1044
01:01:09,365 --> 01:01:10,376
I have that meeting with brazen.
1045
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:12,934
No, just stop!
1046
01:01:12,969 --> 01:01:15,103
Where did you sleep last night?
1047
01:01:15,138 --> 01:01:16,638
Did you go home with someone?
1048
01:01:16,673 --> 01:01:18,573
Yeah, some whore from the comedy hall.
1049
01:01:18,608 --> 01:01:21,342
Oh, my god, why the fuck
is she still talking?
1050
01:01:21,377 --> 01:01:22,388
Is it wrong of me
to ask you that?
1051
01:01:22,412 --> 01:01:24,112
Look, I gotta shower, Diane.
1052
01:01:24,147 --> 01:01:25,914
- No, stop!
- Cause he reeks of comedy hole.
1053
01:01:25,949 --> 01:01:27,660
- Oh, yeah, hilarious, Claire.
- Fucking funnier than you.
1054
01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,561
- So you're just not gonna tell me?
- Why would he?
1055
01:01:29,585 --> 01:01:31,686
Oh, my god! Would you shut the fuck up?
1056
01:01:31,721 --> 01:01:37,525
You suck! And you smell like
patchouli and biker cum!
1057
01:01:37,560 --> 01:01:40,361
You know, you have this
amazing sixth sense, Diana.
1058
01:01:40,396 --> 01:01:42,163
It's like the minute
I need to be somewhere,
1059
01:01:42,198 --> 01:01:44,065
you just show up
with your own goddamn agenda
1060
01:01:44,100 --> 01:01:45,500
completely oblivious to the fact
1061
01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:48,136
that I have a life, too.
1062
01:01:48,171 --> 01:01:49,337
I have to go now!
1063
01:01:58,247 --> 01:02:00,381
[Sighs]
1064
01:02:00,416 --> 01:02:02,050
Yeah, yeah, I can't.
1065
01:02:02,085 --> 01:02:03,952
[Sighs] I'm on it, I'm up in the hills,
1066
01:02:03,987 --> 01:02:07,255
I can't hear you.
1067
01:02:07,290 --> 01:02:10,058
Yeah, I took a...
I took a left on Fairview.
1068
01:02:10,093 --> 01:02:12,160
Yeah, and then it's like a...
it's, like, windy.
1069
01:02:12,195 --> 01:02:15,396
I don't, yeah,
no, my GPS isn't helping me at all.
1070
01:02:15,431 --> 01:02:16,932
Okay.
1071
01:02:31,481 --> 01:02:32,647
I know, I know, I know.
1072
01:02:32,682 --> 01:02:34,716
Are you kidding me right now?
1073
01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:37,151
Well, where are we?
1074
01:02:37,186 --> 01:02:38,553
Hannah Gormley's house.
1075
01:02:38,588 --> 01:02:41,422
- And what about gene?
- Gene means nothing.
1076
01:02:41,457 --> 01:02:43,091
Who's Hannah Gormley?
1077
01:02:43,126 --> 01:02:44,993
She owns brazen.
1078
01:02:45,028 --> 01:02:47,528
Okay, no, sorry. Fuck,
does she know who I am?
1079
01:02:47,563 --> 01:02:49,163
Yes, she just wants
to hear a few jokes.
1080
01:02:49,198 --> 01:02:50,999
- You can do the blow job bit.
- Oh, god, no.
1081
01:02:51,034 --> 01:02:53,434
Cell phone bit. The threesome bit?
1082
01:02:53,469 --> 01:02:57,138
[Pinball machine clanging]
1083
01:02:57,173 --> 01:02:59,540
[Bell dinging]
1084
01:02:59,575 --> 01:03:02,210
[Game] Boy, oh, boy!
Let's get her! [Chuckling]
1085
01:03:02,245 --> 01:03:03,511
You wanna play?
1086
01:03:03,546 --> 01:03:05,380
- Okay.
- After.
1087
01:03:05,415 --> 01:03:08,683
- All right.
- All right, let's get started, yeah?
1088
01:03:08,718 --> 01:03:10,151
[Hannah] Blinds.
1089
01:03:19,762 --> 01:03:23,297
He does this great bit about...
1090
01:03:23,332 --> 01:03:25,266
do the bit we talked about.
1091
01:03:27,737 --> 01:03:31,072
Um, okay, uh...
1092
01:03:31,107 --> 01:03:34,175
So, I was in England for this joke.
1093
01:03:34,210 --> 01:03:35,643
I met a very slutty British girl.
1094
01:03:35,678 --> 01:03:37,612
And she came up to me in a pub,
she was like,
1095
01:03:37,647 --> 01:03:39,591
"you know, having sex with me
will change your life."
1096
01:03:39,615 --> 01:03:42,117
And I was like,
"why? Do you have herpes?"
1097
01:03:44,187 --> 01:03:47,655
So, uh, she grabbed my hand,
she took me out of the pub
1098
01:03:47,690 --> 01:03:49,490
into this... this alley.
1099
01:03:49,525 --> 01:03:52,460
She says, "can I see your Yankee cock?"
1100
01:03:52,495 --> 01:03:54,328
And I was like, "whoa whoa whoa.
1101
01:03:54,363 --> 01:03:57,765
It's 'may I see your Yankee cock, '
and yes you may."
1102
01:03:57,800 --> 01:04:00,568
I mean, how could I say no
to that accent, so, like,
1103
01:04:00,603 --> 01:04:01,647
[speaking in British accent] Cock.
1104
01:04:01,671 --> 01:04:03,137
But some accents are weird,
1105
01:04:03,172 --> 01:04:05,173
like, I was dating
a girl from New Zealand.
1106
01:04:05,208 --> 01:04:07,508
That's a weird accent.
It always goes up at the end,
1107
01:04:07,543 --> 01:04:10,122
[with accent] Like this. Like everything
sounds like a question like that.
1108
01:04:10,146 --> 01:04:13,714
We'd be having sex, she'd be like,
"oh, yeah, you're fucking me so hard."
1109
01:04:13,749 --> 01:04:15,283
[Laughing]
1110
01:04:15,318 --> 01:04:16,829
And the Russian girls,
instead of going up,
1111
01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:19,520
it went straight across,
total monotone, she'd be like,
1112
01:04:19,555 --> 01:04:23,591
[in accent] "I'm having great time.
1113
01:04:23,626 --> 01:04:26,227
Orgasm.
1114
01:04:26,262 --> 01:04:27,662
Multiple orgasm.
1115
01:04:27,697 --> 01:04:30,231
Wrong hole."
1116
01:04:30,266 --> 01:04:33,668
Anyway, I think that kind of segues
1117
01:04:33,703 --> 01:04:36,637
- into the show idea.
- Is this the pitch?
1118
01:04:36,672 --> 01:04:38,239
Yeah.
1119
01:04:38,274 --> 01:04:41,542
So it all started, uh,
I was thinking about
1120
01:04:41,577 --> 01:04:44,479
those travel shows, you know,
1121
01:04:44,514 --> 01:04:49,584
they're always so earnest
and boring and food oriented,
1122
01:04:49,619 --> 01:04:53,154
and uh, I was thinking,
it doesn't have to be so boring.
1123
01:04:53,189 --> 01:04:54,722
It can be...
1124
01:04:54,757 --> 01:04:57,158
- Funny.
- Exactly.
1125
01:04:57,193 --> 01:05:01,295
So my version, Gus,
travels to the sexiest,
1126
01:05:01,330 --> 01:05:04,232
seediest places on the planet.
1127
01:05:04,267 --> 01:05:08,703
Brothels, opium dens, nightclubs.
1128
01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:09,837
Get him some water.
1129
01:05:09,872 --> 01:05:11,806
Yeah, I got it.
1130
01:05:11,841 --> 01:05:15,243
[Exhaling]
1131
01:05:24,854 --> 01:05:27,255
Oh, god. You know...
1132
01:05:29,192 --> 01:05:31,259
I almost died, like, a year ago.
1133
01:05:33,262 --> 01:05:36,697
I had what I thought was a heart attack.
1134
01:05:36,732 --> 01:05:39,500
What are you talking about?
1135
01:05:39,535 --> 01:05:40,935
I didn't tell you about this?
1136
01:05:40,970 --> 01:05:44,472
Well, uh, turns out
it was a panic attack.
1137
01:05:46,609 --> 01:05:48,576
My wife, she thought it was hilarious.
1138
01:05:48,611 --> 01:05:50,878
She couldn't stop laughing about it.
1139
01:05:50,913 --> 01:05:52,513
Oh, she stopped laughing when I stopped
1140
01:05:52,548 --> 01:05:53,915
being able to fuck her.
1141
01:05:57,587 --> 01:06:02,924
And that... that is when the show begins.
1142
01:06:02,959 --> 01:06:05,860
I'm me, Ken,
1143
01:06:05,895 --> 01:06:10,431
I'm a married, middle aged,
washed up, stand-up.
1144
01:06:10,466 --> 01:06:13,901
I suffer from anxiety,
self-loathing, self-doubt.
1145
01:06:13,936 --> 01:06:16,370
And my wife, she's the bread winner,
1146
01:06:16,405 --> 01:06:19,373
and I'm just a stay-at-home dad,
and despite our two kids,
1147
01:06:19,408 --> 01:06:22,343
we can barely hold this
shitty marriage together.
1148
01:06:22,378 --> 01:06:24,745
One night we have this,
we have this vicious blow up.
1149
01:06:24,780 --> 01:06:26,814
And I head straight to the comedy club.
1150
01:06:26,849 --> 01:06:29,784
And that's where I meet this girl.
1151
01:06:29,819 --> 01:06:33,888
She's beautiful, spontaneous,
and she inspires me.
1152
01:06:33,923 --> 01:06:36,224
I start talking about my anxiety.
1153
01:06:36,259 --> 01:06:38,259
My marriage, my kids, my sex love,
1154
01:06:38,294 --> 01:06:40,728
uh, sex life, or my lack
of a fucking sex life.
1155
01:06:40,763 --> 01:06:43,397
I just start selling out the theaters.
1156
01:06:43,432 --> 01:06:44,765
Of course, my self-absorbed wife,
1157
01:06:44,800 --> 01:06:46,834
she has no fucking idea
that I'm trashing her.
1158
01:06:46,869 --> 01:06:51,405
She also doesn't know that
I've become obsessed with this girl.
1159
01:06:51,440 --> 01:06:54,342
And we find out I've been stalking her.
1160
01:06:54,377 --> 01:06:56,310
She is into it.
1161
01:06:56,345 --> 01:07:01,349
And we start having this wild
passionate affair.
1162
01:07:01,384 --> 01:07:05,519
And then suddenly I make one mistake.
1163
01:07:05,554 --> 01:07:08,789
And my wife finds out everything.
1164
01:07:08,824 --> 01:07:11,592
So season one ends...
1165
01:07:11,627 --> 01:07:13,027
season one ends with my entire life
1166
01:07:13,062 --> 01:07:18,933
just blowing up in my face,
1167
01:07:18,968 --> 01:07:19,934
and season two is the horrific,
ugly gut-wrenching divorce.
1168
01:07:19,969 --> 01:07:21,536
And... [gagging]
1169
01:07:25,875 --> 01:07:27,008
I'll be all right.
1170
01:07:27,043 --> 01:07:29,377
[Vomiting]
1171
01:07:34,383 --> 01:07:35,550
Excuse me.
1172
01:07:38,888 --> 01:07:41,622
You need to go right now.
1173
01:07:41,657 --> 01:07:43,825
I will call you later.
1174
01:07:47,430 --> 01:07:48,963
I am so sorry.
1175
01:08:00,576 --> 01:08:04,445
So one time, uh, I was riding
the bus to middle school
1176
01:08:04,480 --> 01:08:07,448
and the kid next to me
was eating this, like,
1177
01:08:07,483 --> 01:08:11,452
tuna fish sandwich
with bacon and pickles
1178
01:08:11,487 --> 01:08:13,588
and extra Mayo or something.
1179
01:08:14,824 --> 01:08:16,657
[Sighs] So...
1180
01:08:16,692 --> 01:08:18,826
It smelled seriously like
1181
01:08:18,861 --> 01:08:21,696
if he just took a dump on the seat
1182
01:08:21,731 --> 01:08:23,464
and was eating that.
1183
01:08:23,499 --> 01:08:25,733
Like that bad.
1184
01:08:25,768 --> 01:08:27,501
So I know I'm gonna throw up.
1185
01:08:27,536 --> 01:08:31,472
I start gagging, but I cover
my hands over my mouth
1186
01:08:31,507 --> 01:08:33,808
and I kinda throw up into my hands
1187
01:08:33,843 --> 01:08:35,676
and I don't spill any.
1188
01:08:35,711 --> 01:08:39,447
So I'm thinking if I just
swallow it back down again
1189
01:08:39,482 --> 01:08:42,550
it'll be like I never threw up
in the first place.
1190
01:08:42,585 --> 01:08:44,418
The problem with this plan is, like,
1191
01:08:44,453 --> 01:08:47,755
once the texture of that chunk,
1192
01:08:47,790 --> 01:08:49,724
like, slid down my throat
1193
01:08:49,759 --> 01:08:51,359
I just threw up all over again
1194
01:08:51,394 --> 01:08:54,362
and this time it was, like,
projectile vomit.
1195
01:08:54,397 --> 01:08:56,041
Like, right onto the seat
in front of me...
1196
01:08:56,065 --> 01:08:58,399
like splashing back on me...
1197
01:08:58,434 --> 01:09:00,067
everybody's going crazy,
1198
01:09:00,102 --> 01:09:02,837
screaming like trying
to get away from me.
1199
01:09:02,872 --> 01:09:04,372
But not the sandwich kid.
1200
01:09:04,407 --> 01:09:07,041
He just like, you know,
1201
01:09:07,076 --> 01:09:09,911
moves over a couple inches
and keeps eating so.
1202
01:09:12,882 --> 01:09:15,683
How far did he park the car?
1203
01:09:15,718 --> 01:09:18,386
I don't know.
That's kind of a Ross thing.
1204
01:09:18,421 --> 01:09:22,390
Yeah, well, can you check
and see where he is? Please?
1205
01:09:22,425 --> 01:09:23,891
[Sighs]
1206
01:09:23,926 --> 01:09:26,094
All right, yeah.
1207
01:10:17,746 --> 01:10:20,214
Dude, it's not gonna fit.
1208
01:10:20,249 --> 01:10:22,016
- It'll fit.
- [Laughs]
1209
01:10:22,051 --> 01:10:23,517
It's not gonna fit.
1210
01:10:23,552 --> 01:10:25,920
It's gonna...
1211
01:10:25,955 --> 01:10:27,588
- Damn it.
- All right, dude, I got you.
1212
01:10:27,623 --> 01:10:29,957
Hold on. I got you.
1213
01:10:39,168 --> 01:10:41,135
All right, it looks good.
Nice and secure.
1214
01:10:41,170 --> 01:10:43,137
- Good job, man.
- Thanks.
1215
01:10:43,172 --> 01:10:44,839
Your kids are gonna love this.
1216
01:10:44,874 --> 01:10:46,507
Yep, I hope so.
1217
01:11:22,645 --> 01:11:23,978
[Sighs]
1218
01:11:54,143 --> 01:11:55,843
Hey guys.
1219
01:12:00,849 --> 01:12:02,149
- What's that?
- Dad, dad.
1220
01:12:02,184 --> 01:12:04,018
Do you think
this will fit as an outlet?
1221
01:12:04,053 --> 01:12:05,893
- Oh, I like that.
- Where do you wanna put it?
1222
01:12:05,921 --> 01:12:07,888
- Do you need a longer piece?
- No.
1223
01:12:07,923 --> 01:12:09,823
- I have...
- Hey, mom.
1224
01:12:09,858 --> 01:12:11,559
Can you put a circle?
1225
01:12:11,594 --> 01:12:13,238
Hey, Joe, where do you
want to go back in time?
1226
01:12:13,262 --> 01:12:14,773
Where do you want to go
back in time to?
1227
01:12:14,797 --> 01:12:17,264
Um, I would go forward in time.
1228
01:12:17,299 --> 01:12:22,937
- Oh.
- And I made new ones.
1229
01:12:22,972 --> 01:12:25,606
♪ Every time you look at me ♪
1230
01:12:25,641 --> 01:12:27,775
♪ To say good night ♪
1231
01:12:27,810 --> 01:12:30,044
♪ It feels so right ♪
1232
01:12:30,079 --> 01:12:31,912
So where do you want to go for real?
1233
01:12:31,947 --> 01:12:33,914
We should probably go 500
1234
01:12:33,949 --> 01:12:35,616
so he could stop
the sun from exploding.
1235
01:12:35,651 --> 01:12:37,284
Okay, how about that?
You have a mission.
1236
01:12:37,319 --> 01:12:38,686
- Joe...
- It's 800.
1237
01:12:38,721 --> 01:12:39,820
Okay, 800.
1238
01:12:39,855 --> 01:12:42,857
[Music playing on car stereo]
1239
01:12:49,164 --> 01:12:50,331
- You wanna stop?
- No.
1240
01:12:50,366 --> 01:12:52,733
[Laughing] help. Help.
1241
01:12:52,768 --> 01:12:54,735
- Help.
- [laughing]
1242
01:12:54,770 --> 01:12:58,339
Oh, yeah. I'll poison the grapes
and give it to him.
1243
01:13:12,121 --> 01:13:14,155
[Slurping]
1244
01:13:15,958 --> 01:13:18,626
[Inhales, exhales deeply]
1245
01:13:26,735 --> 01:13:28,168
If we don't put in the right time
1246
01:13:28,203 --> 01:13:30,671
and I get killed by Hitler, I will...
1247
01:13:30,706 --> 01:13:32,339
- [All laughing]
- I want you to know...
1248
01:13:32,374 --> 01:13:34,414
What does that have to do
with being the wrong time?
1249
01:13:43,819 --> 01:13:46,787
Okay, one... Zoom.
1250
01:13:46,822 --> 01:13:48,656
Wait. You hit the wrong button.
1251
01:13:48,691 --> 01:13:50,168
Uh-oh. You hit
the self-destruct button.
1252
01:13:50,192 --> 01:13:51,759
[Screaming]
1253
01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:08,342
[Chattering] ...Enter.
1254
01:14:08,377 --> 01:14:09,988
Uh, Joey, just put like
a really crazy year
1255
01:14:10,012 --> 01:14:12,279
- so you're in trouble.
- Can I go with?
1256
01:14:25,160 --> 01:14:27,395
[Background chatter]
1257
01:14:36,839 --> 01:14:39,139
- Yep, yep.
- No!
1258
01:14:39,174 --> 01:14:41,142
I know it's late.
1259
01:15:10,773 --> 01:15:12,740
- [Sighs]
- [cell phone ringing]
1260
01:15:15,911 --> 01:15:17,912
[Ringing]
1261
01:15:27,923 --> 01:15:29,390
[Diane] Hi.
1262
01:15:31,960 --> 01:15:33,494
No.
1263
01:15:37,099 --> 01:15:39,200
Yeah, no, don't worry about it.
1264
01:16:51,874 --> 01:16:54,508
Did I say your sister smelled
like patchouli and biker cum?
1265
01:16:54,543 --> 01:16:57,010
[Both laughing]
1266
01:16:57,045 --> 01:16:58,546
She does.
1267
01:17:10,058 --> 01:17:11,559
I love you.
1268
01:17:55,170 --> 01:17:56,871
[Gasps]
90884
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.