Original subtitles

[Cheers, applause]

[Music playing]

[Emcee] How's everybody doing tonight?

- Yeah? - [cheers, applause]

Oh, good crowd.

Good-looking crowd, by the way. Did I mention that?

We're gonna get this show going.

How does everybody feel about that? You guys ready for that?

[Cheers, whistles]

This next guy coming to the stage,

you might recognize him

if you watched MTV in the '90s.

- [Laughter] - [man] Yeah!

But anyway, this guy, I've known him way too long.

But he's here to entertain you.

Ken Cooper, everybody.

[Cheers, applause]

We got a lot of different types of people here.

We got single people, married people.

That's really the question in life, right?

If you stay single or get married.

Single, married, single, married,

you either sign up for a lonely existence

jerking off to porn every night...

[Laughter]

- Or you stay single. - [Man] Whoo!

[Laughter, applause]

[Child laughing]

[Indistinct chatter]

You ready to fly?

[Boy] I got it!

[Voicemail] Hi, Ken, it's Kirstie. So I've confirmed

the pitch meeting for tomorrow

and gene Peña is definitely coming tonight.

He wants to have drinks with us beforehand,

so just make sure you get there really early.

You're so fucking lucky I'm your agent.

[Banging on piano keys]

I've got a lot of tadpoles.

How many you get?

Let me count.

Do you have more than ten?

Will mom be home soon?

- No. - Mm.

- No. - Yeah, she should be.

- Here, you guys. - What is this?

It's chicken.

I thought we were ordering pizza.

No, we got pizza tomorrow night.

I'm sick of the taste of chicken.

Do we really have to have f'ing chicken nuggets?

- Stop cursing, okay? - What's the matter? Joey, come on.

F'ing.

- Shut up. - [Joey] You shut up.

Get off.

[Ken] Guys, guys, come on. Stop it.

Don't, come on.

- What's with the suit? - Michael, Michael, just...

- Are you sweating? - No, no, I'm not sweating.

- It's fine. - You look nervous.

No, I'm not nervous. I just, I'm just,

why are you checking your phone?

'Cause I might hear from mom. She should be here by now.

- Dad, the suit you're wearing is ugly. - Well, no. Thanks, Michael.

Okay, good night, guys.

Turn off the lights, go to bed.

[Michael] Dad, what if scientists invented a way

to go back in time, like through a black hole, before pollution,

so they could stop pollution

and that would give us more time before the sun blows up?

Wait, where are you getting all this?

[Joe] You can't travel back in time

unless you have a time machine.

[Michael] We're actually in a time machine.

You see, every second is a future, past, and present.

And the future's about to happen,

so now we're in the future, and that just passed,

so now we're in the past, and now we're in the present,

and now and now and now and now and now.

Could I sleep in your bed?

No. Hey, no, buddy, you, you gotta start

sleeping in your own bed, okay?

- Okay. - You gotta relax.

Okay?

[Door opens, closes] [Woman] Hi.

- Hello. - Shh, shh, shh.

I just put the kids to bed okay?

Oh, shit. I wanted to say good night to them.

- All right, it's 9:30. - Let me just say good night.

What do you mean all right? Are you okay?

- What's going on? - What? I'm fine.

We came in way under budget,

so the client catered this incredible spread.

Oh. How much have you been drinking?

Just like...

So what? This is a party?

No, no, this was not a party.

- A little bit of a party. - Yeah, uh-huh.

You are so drunk. So how'd you get home?

[Chuckles] I am fine.

- Why are you so upset? - Well, number one,

you weren't answering your phone all night long, okay?

- I know. It died. - Your phone was ringing.

- Stop. What are you doing? - It just died.

I gotta go. What are you doing?

Hold on a second. Before you leave, let me just,

let me just look for something down here.

[Stammering] Really? Now?

Come on, what are you doing? Just stop, all right?

I have to go to the club. I told you that.

You were supposed to be home two hours ago.

I have those execs from the network coming.

[Scoffs] What execs from the network?

It's on the fucking calendar. Look.

[Groans] Sorry.

If I knew you had an actual appointment,

- I wouldn't have been this late. - You wouldn't have what?

You wouldn't have gotten wasted with the nine dudes

- that you work with? - Mm,

you are so fucking ridiculous.

You're never gonna sell it!

- Why would you say that? - You have pitched this show

how many fucking times?

Like 30 times?

You have to let it go.

- It's a stupid fucking idea. - No, no, no, no.

It's not a stupid fucking idea, okay?

The people I've pitched it to so far

- are fucking stupid. - Oh oh oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah,

- that makes complete sense. - Okay, you have no idea

what it's like to... to... to...

To talk about an idea with someone who has zero imagination

and then you have to feel the most inane fucking questions

about this thing that doesn't exist yet

which they can't conceive of because they have

- no goddamn imagination. - You just described

like every single job

anybody has ever had, and you would know that

'cause you've never actually had an adult job

- contributing to a household. - And what you're doing is a job.

You don't create anything. You just push numbers around.

I create everything for this family.

- You don't do shit. - Oh...

Hey, monkey.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Yeah?

Are you having trouble sleeping?

Yeah.

[Whispering] Could I sleep in your room?

- Yes, of course. - He can't. Michael, no.

Of course you can.

Yeah, you go up.

I'll be right there, okay? Love you.

Why, why do you do that?

Why can't baby him like that, okay?

It feeds into his anxiety.

No, your anxiety is feeding into his anxiety.

Yeah, well, maybe if you weren't undermining me in front of the kids...

Well, I wouldn't need to undermine you if I didn't need to undermine you.

Yeah, what the fuck does that even mean?

You know what? I think we need some help.

Great.

Oh, so you're just gonna walk out?

No, god, I'm not walking out.

I told you I have to be somewhere.

Okay? I gotta go.

Well, if you leave don't plan on coming home tonight.

[Stomping feet]

[Door opens, closes]

[Car alarm chirps]

[Panting]

Gene is waiting in there wondering what the fuck.

- I'm sorry. - Don't fuck this up anymore

- than we're fucking it up. - I won't. I'm here.

You look like shit.

[Emcee] Give it up for Holly Barlow.

- Come on. Holly. - [Cheering, whistles]

Are you okay?

Great.

Where're you going?

Oh, Paige's birthday party.

It's at a fricken roller rink. I promised Abby.

Love you.

Jesus.

[Woman] The reality is

I have this stalker.

Uh...

Fucker's probably here, too.

[Laughter]

Just to fuck with my stalker, you know, like,

make him jealous I've been dating.

- And, uh. - [Laughter]

Have I told you guys about...

- I'm sorry I'm late, man. - It's all good.

- What time do you go on? - Soon.

These are comped, right?

Uh, no, but don't worry. I'll take care of it.

We're gonna meet up after, yeah?

- Yeah, we'll get drinks. - Awesome. All right.

[Woman] Just this certain brand of mid-life crisis

that's like so repulsive yet so irresistible.

- [Laughter] - [sighs]

So I'm on a date with one of these winners

so I bring up my stalker, right,

you know, like lighten the mood, and instantly

this guy is locked in on me, he's like

drawing up strategies on napkins

how he's gonna piece together this puzzle.

He's gonna find my stalker.

- [Laughter] - Three months later,

he is still stalking my stalker.

[Laughter]

And I'm still trying to stop him.

[Laughter, applause]

Good night. You guys were awesome.

[Cheers, whistles, applause]

[Emcee] Listen, we are gonna keep this show rolling.

Let me bring up this next guy.

Uh, one of my buddies.

I've known him 20 years,

- Mr. Ken Cooper. - [Applause]

Hey, guys. Uh, I'm Ken.

Look around and see we got a lot of different type of people here.

We got single people, married people.

That's really the question in life, right?

If you stay single or get married.

Single, married, single, married,

you either sign up for a lonely existence

jerking off to porn every night

or you stay single.

- Uh... - [laughter]

Anyway, uh, I like being single.

Uh, I was in England for this joke.

And I met a very slutty British girl.

That's redundant, I met a British girl,

And then she grabbed my hand she took me

out of the pub into this alley.

If you guys ever been to England you know it's mostly

alleys there, that's all it is,

she gets in front of me in the alley

she drops on her knees,

I know, cobblestone, it's gotta hurt,

and then she says,

[English accent] Can I see your Yankee cock?

I was like, "whoa, whoa, whoa,

"it's, 'may I see your Yankee cock?'

and, yes you may."

I mean, how could I say no with that accent?

"Cock."

I had sex in a pool recently, which is great in theory.

[Cell phone vibrating]

And then you do it, you're chilly, your hair's wet,

the water's chlorinated.

It feels like you're fucking a squeaky toy.

[Squeaky noises]

All the kids at the rec center are screaming.

So, uh, so I'm getting out of the head.

I didn't know what to do with my hands.

Like, what do you do? Do you Calvin Klein it?

Do you Michael Jackson it against the wall?

I was in England, should I do a little teapot?

Uh, so I put my hands on her head, right,

in the catholic priest pose.

[Murmuring]

Are you with me?

[Man coughing]

Put that shit away, man.

Enjoy your freedom while it lasts.

It was a shitty crowd.

Oh, no, it's just,

I had this exec from brazen come.

He was supposed to do my show.

- Where'd he go? - [Laughs]

Uh-huh.

And you've been doing that bit about the blowjob

- for a while now. - No, no, I changed it.

It's totally different. I made it to a British guy.

Oh, right, yeah, well,

maybe it was your delivery or something.

Hey, so what's going on out there, huh?

Everybody's bombing.

I'll have a Malbec.

You didn't bomb.

No, you were... you were good.

Really?

- Ken bombed. - Ha ha ha, thanks, ed.

And he got ditched by a network exec, too.

- Wow, thanks again. - He's a bit vulnerable.

- Are you okay? - Uh, never better.

You were a fearful child, right?

I'm definitely getting that vibe.

- I'm very sensitive. - Hmm.

You seem like the sensitive type, yeah.

She does this bit about tasting her own pussy.

- It's fucking hysterical. - You saw that?

"You ever taste your own pussy? No? Oh, you should.

I have. Mine, imagine but in cheese

- it's dipped in plum chutney." - It's cheesecake.

So how you guys know each other?

Oh, I know her.

I mean, I don't know her, know her, but...

- He doesn't know me. - I wanna know her.

What's your story?

It's a long and exhausting one.

Oh, yeah? Since college?

I almost finished nursing school,

and then I was a legal secretary,

but I got way too involved with this divorce lawyer

which was a huge mistake,

and then I taught hip-hop at a Hebrew school,

and, uh, trying standup on the side,

and working on a documentary,

and I bartend. What about you?

Don't know nothing about him. What about me?

I don't need to know anything more about you.

Oh, you're married. I can see by the ring.

I'm also judging by those bags under your eyes

that you have kids?

One for each eye bag.

[Chuckles]

So is there a dad bod under there?

- No. - [laughs]

Wait a second. What is this?

Cheese?

Snot?

- Play-doh. - Ah.

And you're telling jokes about finger blasting

bitches in bathrooms.

Wow. You are so full of shit.

- Why? - Oh, come on.

If I offered you a line of coke off my ass right now

you'd run straight home to your wife.

Ha ha, actually I'm not welcome home so.

Wait a second. You're not welcome home? What does that mean?

- His wife kicked him out. - Yeah, well, thanks again, ed.

- Such a good friend. - Your wife kicked you out?

Tonight? Oh, my god.

I'm... I'm sorry. That's not funny.

It's... I mean, not to you,

but to me it's kinda funny 'cause I don't know you.

Well, I know him but I still think it's pretty funny.

I don't think my marital problems are fucking funny.

- Sorry. - Why? What else is there?

Well, your stalker, where is he tonight?

How should I know? I'm the stalkee.

- I don't know. - Hmm.

And so you're actually being stalked?

Yeah.

There's a guy who, um,

well, he just kinda...

I don't know. I don't really feel like

talking about it, actually.

Can I just enjoy my wine?

Does he threaten you?

Mm-hmm.

And he knows where I live.

Sounds dangerous.

I think you need some protection.

- You need protection. - Oh, I have protection.

- What kind of protection? - Any kind you need.

Oh, my, god damn it.

Save this spot.

What are you doing here?

Why are you ignoring my texts?

They're dirty.

You think that's him?

Well, he looks stalkery.

Yeah, but who doesn't?

I mean, we're all surveying.

Once I got so wrapped up in this one chick

I started following her check-ins.

I see that she's at this Starbucks near me.

So I go, you know, and go scope her out,

whew! [Laughs]

Well, what happened?

[Retching sound]

Fucking nothing like she advertised.

I hear this nasal baby voice telling the BARISTA

that she's lactose intolerant.

Totally gutted me.

People are so depressing.

But if you're pushing me away I can't help you.

Oh my god. I don't wanna talk about this right now.

Hey, so when she gets back, I think I'm gonna make a move.

- Really? - Yeah.

I think she's into me.

Mm, I didn't really get that impression at all.

Well, now's a good time to move, be a good time to skedaddle.

- I'm gonna do it. - Nah, I think you might have

- shitty timing. - What are you

fucking talking about? This is perfect timing.

- Shh. Shh. Shh. - Ah, fuck.

- Let's go. - With the schizo?

Mm, that's Chip.

We met at this mall storyteller thing,

he told this gut-wrenching story

about growing up a fat Muslim kid.

So sweet, but so overbearing.

It's your stalker's stalker?

- [Laughing] - supposedly.

He hasn't found anything yet.

And he saw my set, now he's pissed off

and he's insisting that his sunglasses

are at my place and he has to go back and get them.

I just can't fucking deal with this right now.

You wanna drive me home?

- What? - I mean,

I don't think I should be walking under the circumstances.

- You walked here? - Come on, let's go out the back.

- I'll take you home. - No, no, it's fine.

Ken's driving, right? Let's go, Ken, come on.

Make a right up there.

So your wife kicked you out, huh?

She didn't kick me out.

She just said if I left, not to come back.

And you left.

In the minivan.

Actually, the minivan's mine.

So you ever try to pick up chicks in your minivan?

All the time.

Just that building there with the dead tree out front.

Oh.

You have me drive you a block and a half?

You wanna come up?

[Stammering] Uh, ah, to you apartment?

I'd feel a lot safer if you did.

I mean, I don't really feel like being by myself right now.

You know, you have a stalker and an unhinged ex,

you sure you want to invite a stranger up to your place?

I know you. We know the same people.

- Ed? - Same microcosm.

You're always rushing out of the club early.

Oh, so you've been watching me.

I've seen your set a couple times.

Well, I'm extremely unfunny.

But you're not not intriguing.

And you we're unforthcoming

about your wife kicking you out.

But that really happened tonight?

Yeah, well, I shouldn't have been not unforthcoming.

But you were.

Which indicates to me that you wanna talk about it

and you sense I'd be a good person.

And you'd be right. I got the first half of my masters in psychology.

It doesn't matter 'cause we're not gonna find parking anyway.

Well, you can't go home, right?

No one's gonna like stop me.

Let's just do a lap. Come on, you never know.

We might find a spot.

- Ha ha. - Come on, one lap.

If it's meant to be, then we'll find a spot.

If what's meant to be?

Well, we won't know unless you find a spot.

[Laughing]

Now would you call that convenient?

Or cosmic?

Mm, I'd call that a coincidence.

I'm just gonna walk you up and make sure you're safe,

not to stay or anything.

My permit.

I'm permitting you.

Let me just...

- No lock? - Well, there's a door.

Zeb?

Zeb?

Good. He's not home.

[Stammering] So this is a, a two-bedroom?

Uh, almost, yeah.

You want a tour?

Uh, no, I think I'm good.

So... so you're...

Oh, be an adult and come in.

Did you bring your rape whistle?

- Rarr! - Jesus!

[Laughing]

- [Ken sighs] - Oh, my god.

Shit. I'm so sorry.

- Are you okay? - No, I'm totally fine.

It's just a little arrhythmia.

So what's Zeb?

Uh, Zeb's my roommate.

- Oh. - He's never here though.

His mom has Alzheimer's and...

Fiesta mix?

Most people find it surprising that I'm a wine connoisseur.

My dad sells wine so I got my sommelier license

when I was in high school.

I had to lie about my age.

My dad used to lie about his age, too.

And there was a while there

where we're both pretending to be 24.

I'm not gonna get all pretentious on you.

This is just a nice rosato.

Hmm.

Well, I'm more of a beer guy anyway so...

Uh-huh.

It's made by inmates at a penal colony in longoria.

It's good, right?

Yeah, actually, it's really good.

Oh, my god. Don't use actually.

It means surprisingly. I hate that.

Yeah, the dickhead left my mom

when she was pregnant with my brother

- and I was three. - Wow, that's terrible.

Your parents married?

Uh, my parents were married. They died.

Like, together? So you're an orphan?

[Laughing]

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing.

I don't know either.

- I should get going. - Why?

I don't know. I just, I don't think it's appropriate.

Did she call? Your wife?

Do you think she's gonna?

Is she the grudge holding type?

[Sighs] I should get going.

But I haven't even given you the grand tour.

Ken surveys the apartment from the kitchen.

Ken can't fathom living like this.

A space this small?

Two adults, strangers, perhaps.

This is Holly's normal.

- Hmm. Nice place. - Thanks.

That's my roommate's.

This is all my roommate's crap.

- How'd you do that? - Uh, actually,

I'm really good in this realm,

puzzle doing, Lego building,

uh, video game playing, tadpole catching.

But I love me some puzzles.

They're totally addictive.

Are you an addict? Any history of addiction?

- No. - Thank god.

Why?

I always fall for the addicts.

Well, I guess you won't be falling for me.

I might make an exception.

Can I, um, you got a, a bathroom?

Di, I know you're there. I can see the goddamn bubbles, okay?

So call me back.

Fuck.

That fucking cunt.

Fuck it. Fuck it.

Don't judge.

I have my card for insomnia.

- For real. - Oh,

I'm in no position to judge.

I used to smoke a bit of the ganja back in the day.

You want some?

Listen,

I... I normally never do this.

That's cool.

I mean, I needed this.

Yeah, I know.

So what started the whole thing anyway?

- What whole thing? - With your wife.

Oh, god. I don't know.

You don't know?

How long have you been married?

Can we change the subject?

Okay, how old are your kids?

Hi.

No, I get it. You're being shy.

I can be very...

Well, I'm making a documentary in my spare time

so I can be very probing.

- In your spare time? - Mm.

But a lot of spare time.

No husband.

No kids.

Just a stalker and a lot of spare time.

I'm on the list.

What's your show about?

What's your documentary about?

I've been following the west Covina high school pep squad for two years.

It's a four-year project.

What?

[Laughs] Yeah, I know.

Well, I was never on a team or a squad or anything like that

so it's very cathartic.

But, I mean, seriously,

you think you have problems?

These kids. [Laughs]

Oh, my god.

It's awful.

[Laughter]

[Stammering] This isn't what I come up... I came up here for.

What? I mean, you thought about it.

Well, yeah, in abstract, but that's completely different.

[Sighs]

This is mortifying.

Where... where... where're you going?

Fuck it.

You're wasted.

No, I'm good. Good.

Okay.

[Laughing]

Ow!

Ah, okay. That was fun.

Oh, no, you don't.

[Heavy breathing]

Oh, god, okay.

[Gasping]

Jesus Christ.

I'm so much better than this.

You are.

Oh, I'm sorry.

How do these even help you anyway?

Look, my, my problems are your problems, okay?

They have nothing to do with you.

Are you petting me?

Oh, my gosh. Your skin is so soft.

Jesus.

I loofah.

Yeah?

Ah, fuck.

Hey, uh,

thanks for, um...

No, don't, don't go.

- I'm sorry for... - No, it's okay.

You don't have to go.

I mean, you haven't even told me

your idea for a movie or anything.

- It's a show idea. - Oh.

And it's dead so...

So he really walked out on your set?

Yes.

Oh, my god. That's rude.

So he never even heard anything?

I mean,

why don't you tell me? I'm curious.

- Don't be. - No, no.

I'm not letting you leave...

Until you tell me your pitch.

Okay. All right.

So it's like Anthony Bourdain with a twist.

I'm tasting everything but the food.

Why aren't you tasting the food?

- Do you wanna hear it or? - Okay, sorry. I'm listening.

Okay, so ever episode is a one-nighter

in a new exotic sort of shithole, right?

Brothels, opium dens, nightclubs...

- Can I ask you something? - Can I just finish?

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay, so, um,

oh, so I'm traveling to the sexiest, seediest places on the planet,

one guy, one place, all night.

So this is supposed to be you?

Well, it's based on these segments on MTV. You remember...?

Well, it's me, it's not really me so.

- Okay. So if it's you... - Uh, based on me.

Then where's your wife and kids?

I mean, do you Skype them from your skanky motel room

at the end of every episode or...?

- Gus is single. - Who's Gus?

Gus is the character I'm playing.

- Okay, I'm really confused. - It's fiction.

Oh, my god. It doesn't matter.

It does matter.

What if Gus isn't Gus?

I mean, what if Gus is Ken?

Ken is so interesting.

I mean, he's a middle-aged stay-at-home dad,

slash part-time comic who's lost his edge

and he suffers from anxiety,

self loathing, self-doubt, everything.

Yeah, okay, this isn't anything that I...

Listen, listen, listen.

Ken's marriage is barely hanging in there.

I mean,

your wife's the bread winner, isn't she?

So?

So that can't be easy. I mean, there's gotta be a lot of tension.

I mean, I think they can barely fake it anymore, right?

So inevitably one night, some minor offense triggers

this, like, epic fight between them.

You never told me what that was about anyway.

Anyway, Ken leaves.

Or his wife kicks him out. Which one was it?

- I, can we not... - Okay, okay.

So that's when he goes to the club.

And that's where he meets

this very intriguing person.

Played by me. We'll call her Holly.

Anyway,

Holly is real and raw.

She doesn't give a fuck.

Basically, she just inspires Ken.

You know?

Even though they've never met.

And the next time he goes up onstage,

he vomits up the most intensely personal set

all about his wife and his kids and his sex life,

or lack there of, I'm guessing.

Okay, and how's any of this funny at all?

Because it's true.

And the audience loves it. They go crazy.

He gets his confidence back, his shows start selling out.

Yeah, and his wife has no idea that he's crucifying her

on a nightly basis, huh?

No, she's so self-involved. How would she know?

She also doesn't know

that Ken can't stop thinking about Holly.

Oh, so Holly's, Holly's still around, huh?

Yeah.

He's actually gotten kind of obsessed with her.

He started stalking her.

Ken sounds creepy.

He's lonely.

So anyway,

Holly finds out about Ken,

how he's been stalking her,

and of course that

totally turns her on.

- It does? - Mm.

In mid-season they start this wild affair.

What about his marriage?

Actually, the sex with his wife

hasn't ever been better.

Oh, yeah, so Ken's... he's got it all, huh?

No.

Actually your wife is gonna find out

that you've been humiliating her on stage,

and about the stalking and Holly.

And then season one can end with

Ken's whole life blowing up in his face.

And season two can end with...

You know, the messy divorce.

So basically, it's a love triangle between a guy,

his wife,

and the woman that he's stalking

set in the comedy world.

I'd watch that.

Then Ken is basically a lying, cheating, soulless,

stalker piece of shit?

My wife would love that.

When we sell the TV show and your wife won't care

if you're a serial killer.

When did this become a we thing, huh?

Just now.

- I gotta go. - No, no.

Uh, jeez.

Don't go.

You're a great audience.

Oh, look at you.

Oh, gee, sor... sorry.

Oh, I'm Zeb. I'm Holly's roommate.

She said you weren't home.

Oh, Holly knows. She knows I'm in here.

- No, she doesn't know. - Yes, she knows.

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

About... about what?

[Sighs] Sounds like you're having troubles with your wife.

So... you just hide in here eavesdropping?

It's my room.

The walls are unusually thin.

I doubt I heard everything. Just come in. Come in.

- Is that your parakeet in the freezer? - Yeah. Why?

Well, I was hungry, so I went over there to...

Oh, you're hungry! Oh! Oh! I got pound cake.

Homemade with raisins.

[Clears his throat] Uh, here.

The parakeet is my daughter's.

It's actually a Jacobean rock pigeon.

His name was fuchsia.

I promised her we would bury him together,

so I'm just waiting to see her so we can do that,

together bury him.

Here she is.

Here. Here.

That's the most recent.

That's, that's her?

[Zeb] Yup, right there.

That's my Avery, and she did all this artwork.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Okay, I'm just gonna, I'll just... out.

[Stuttering] You write TV?

Uh, trying to.

[Stammering] I heard your show idea.

- I liked it. - Really?

Yeah, it sounds mindless.

[Sighs] So what is it... what is it you do, Zeb?

Okay, well, mostly I support my mom.

When I'm not supporting her, I send child support to...

for my daughter who my evil ex has barred me from seeing.

- Yeah, I'm sorry. - She's blocked my number

and my email on Avery's phone,

so I have no way of talking to her.

Except through her, the cunt.

Yeah, it's rough.

We were following each other on pictogram,

but her mom figured it out, shut that down.

So I downloaded this app.

See? I can track her emails, her texts, her location.

This way I can always find her.

And she can always send me a secret message

through an email to a friend, or something.

- And does she? - Not yet.

So... so that's what I do.

I sit here and study the quagmire

of California divorce law,

and I bartend to try and stay afloat.

Bartending's okay. Mixing drinks, listening,

pretending to care.

What I've learned, nobody means to be horrible.

They just are horrible.

So Holly lives in your closet?

She's got a window and a door.

And, uh, you and her just?

No, no, no, no. Not that I wouldn't.

I, it's just, it hasn't really come to that, yet.

- I see. - [Clears throat] She's never boring.

Well, sometimes she, uh,

- What? - Nothing.

No, tell me. What?

Well, I'll tell you what, she... wait a minute.

Are you planning on fucking her or going back to your wife?

I, uh, I guess those are my options, huh?

Yeah, well, you could do both.

[Sighs] I don't think I have the energy for either.

Oh! Homemade energy drink.

It really, really works.

It's 3:00 in the morning, Zeb.

I just think I wanna sleep.

Oh, uh, well then...

Something homemade also?

Family recipe.

Ah.

Listen to me, go back to your wife.

You have no idea of the shit that goes down.

I could tell you aneurysm-inducing stories.

I don't care what kind of righteous bitch your wife is,

tell her what she wants to hear.

These cunts steal the kids.

If I were you, I would just go.

I'll tell Holly you said good-bye.

Just go, go. Go, go, go.

Go on.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Are you Chip?

Well, [coughs] who the fuck are you?

I'm a friend of Holly's, all right?

Oh, yeah? How do you know her?

Oh, geez, it's late, just, I think it's time you went home.

You think it's time I went home?

Fuck you, telling me what to do.

You go home.

Fuck you.

[Pounding on door]

Oh, come on!

What?

May I please speak with Holly?

Uh, Chip, this is not a good time right now, okay?

She's asleep. We all should be asleep.

I really need to speak to Holly.

- Holly! - I'm sorry.

- Holly! - [holly] What's going on?

You guys, seriously?

- Holly, may I please come in? - No.

Okay, just tell me this, who is he? Who the hell is he?

Chip, don't.

Holly, I... I really need to speak to you...

In private.

I'm tired, Chip.

Holly, just,

Holly...

Holly, I'm telling you,

it's him.

What are you talking about?

- He's your stalker. - [Blows raspberry]

Can we just... can we not do this in the doorway?

This is so unfair.

I'm the one being persecuted.

Are you insane?

And do you know that he's married?

- Married. - Okay. I'm sorry, Chip.

But I keep breaking up with you,

and you keep not listening.

What are you talking about?

I just don't think that I'm ready

for the kind of commitment that you want.

You never even asked what I want.

It's all about what you want.

It's all about you.

You. You, you, you, you, you.

Doing things for you.

Getting your dry-cleaning for you.

Showing up here for you.

- I think you should go, man. - Oh, you know what?

I think you should go.

No, you stay.

I'm staying if he's staying.

- Uh, I'll go when you go. - Why should I be the one to go?

Yeah, why should I be the go one?

- I think they both should go. - Will you guys just shut up?

Why does this keep happening to me?

Because you keep bringing them home.

Oh, my god, it's like I'm in the matrix.

And my eyes have been opened.

You're full of fucking shit.

What's this?

Oh, shit.

When did this happen?

I don't know.

Oh, my god, it is... it's bone dry.

You promised me you'd take care of it.

[Holly] I did what you said.

Um, no, you didn't.

You forgot about it.

And you killed it.

And it didn't need much.

- I want you. - You what?

No, you don't get to do that.

No more mind changes, no more mixed messages,

no more me.

Good night. Take my mug.

And look! My John Varvatos sunglasses.

John Varvatos.

No more lazy in the sun days.

I know things have been really hard on you, man,

just... hang in there, okay?

Okay? Good luck.

Come here.

Hang in there, Zeb.

[Kisses]

And... game over.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

You win after all.

Enjoy your once a month anal, no roll over, no cuddling.

Do you believe it? He left!

[Zeb] Yeah, I thought it was perfect.

- [Holly] Whoo! - [Zeb] Oh, my god. Those were my fucking sunglasses.

- [Holly] Those were totally your sunglasses. - [Zeb] He took my sunglasses.

[Holly] I know, I'm sorry. I'll get you another pair.

- I'm sorry. - [Zeb] Oh, my god.

I thought he was gonna kill me.

[Holly] I know. [Imitates gunshot] Right over your head.

[Zeb] Oh, oh, yeah.

[Snapping]

Stop it.

What are you doing?

- What are you doing? - I'm making sure this guy's not a sicko, okay?

- Stop it! - Why? We don't know who this guy is.

He drives a mini-van.

Oh, my god. Seriously?

He wanted to sleep.

- [Holly] What's that? - What?

[Holly] Stop it!

What is it?

Oh!

Timeless. It's from his wife.

She's the breadwinner.

I wonder what he got her.

[Zeb sighs] You know what?

You've gotta stop torturing yourself.

Okay?

Come here.

Help.

[Kiss]

[Sighs] I'll leave you two here alone.

Bye.

[Banging]

God.

Ken, it's Kirstie, the meeting is still on,

despite what went on last night.

Uh, the location has been changed though, so check your email,

and don't be late.

Shit.

Mike! Joe!

Guys!

They're not here.

Yeah, well, where are they?

Why is your sister here?

Why wouldn't I be?

Where were you?

You told me not to come home last night.

I didn't mean don't come home come home.

Well, I thought that's what you meant when you said don't come home.

Yeah, I was drunk.

I'd asked you specifically to come home early, okay?

It was a really, really big show for me.

Yeah, okay. I guess I fucked up.

- What? You guess? - How did the show go?

I'm sorry.

Well, you got me back though.

You didn't tell me Joe had a soccer game this morning.

Yeah, well, it's on the calendar.

- Yeah, how would I know that? - Because it's the calendar.

Luckily Michael woke me up and knew how to put on shin guards.

[Claire] We had no fucking clue.

Uh! We got so lost trying to find that friggin' game.

You mean the soccer field in the park?

Yeah, and then at half time,

all these people started staring at me.

They were just looking at me. All these sweaty little kids,

and their whiney dads,

and all these loud over-medicated moms.

They started surrounding me.

I had no fucking idea it was our week to bring snacks!

It's on the calendar, too, Di.

Oh, god, kids were crying.

It was like a wildlife show.

Oh! People were screaming at me and shaming me.

- One of them spit on her. - Claire.

No, I saw him. You didn't see him.

Okay, Claire, could you just give us, like, one minute.

- What? - Just give us a minute.

- Okay. Thank you. - Whatever.

Thank you. I appreciate you.

Um, so where were you?

Well, you told me not to come home so...

I know, I know, I know.

I get it.

You know I don't drink.

I was so incredibly wasted.

Whatever I said, I'm really sorry.

Yeah, me too.

I still would like to know where you were though.

Where are the boys?

They went to some arcade place

with some friends from the game.

- Yeah, what friends? - Just, like, you know, on his team.

They're like these brothers, or twins, maybe, I don't know.

The mom offered to take them, so I said it was fine.

Yeah, and what's the mom's name?

I don't know.

- Oh, my god. - I don't know.

She's like a pink-looking kind of round like vaguely.

- She's Russian. - Yeah, but she was the only nice one,

okay, because the rest of those parents

- are fucking terrible. - Cunts, all of them.

Um, you know, I don't know, they've been pretty nice to me.

They seem like good parents.

Oh, unlike me, because I'm a pretty shitty parent?

Oh, my god, no, Diane, that's not what I'm saying.

I cancelled a conference call for that soccer game.

You know how many things I've had to miss

- because of our kids? - Oh, what did you miss?

Some appearance in a dumb comedy hole?

Oh, my god, I don't know why she's talking.

- Look, I gotta go, okay? - What? You're leaving again?

I have somewhere I gotta be, Diane.

Well, where do you have to be?

I have that meeting with brazen.

No, just stop!

Where did you sleep last night?

Did you go home with someone?

Yeah, some whore from the comedy hall.

Oh, my god, why the fuck is she still talking?

Is it wrong of me to ask you that?

Look, I gotta shower, Diane.

- No, stop! - Cause he reeks of comedy hole.

- Oh, yeah, hilarious, Claire. - Fucking funnier than you.

- So you're just not gonna tell me? - Why would he?

Oh, my god! Would you shut the fuck up?

You suck! And you smell like patchouli and biker cum!

You know, you have this amazing sixth sense, Diana.

It's like the minute I need to be somewhere,

you just show up with your own goddamn agenda

completely oblivious to the fact

that I have a life, too.

I have to go now!

[Sighs]

Yeah, yeah, I can't.

[Sighs] I'm on it, I'm up in the hills,

I can't hear you.

Yeah, I took a... I took a left on Fairview.

Yeah, and then it's like a... it's, like, windy.

I don't, yeah, no, my GPS isn't helping me at all.

Okay.

I know, I know, I know.

Are you kidding me right now?

Well, where are we?

Hannah Gormley's house.

- And what about gene? - Gene means nothing.

Who's Hannah Gormley?

She owns brazen.

Okay, no, sorry. Fuck, does she know who I am?

Yes, she just wants to hear a few jokes.

- You can do the blow job bit. - Oh, god, no.

Cell phone bit. The threesome bit?

[Pinball machine clanging]

[Bell dinging]

[Game] Boy, oh, boy! Let's get her! [Chuckling]

You wanna play?

- Okay. - After.

- All right. - All right, let's get started, yeah?

[Hannah] Blinds.

He does this great bit about...

do the bit we talked about.

Um, okay, uh...

So, I was in England for this joke.

I met a very slutty British girl.

And she came up to me in a pub, she was like,

"you know, having sex with me will change your life."

And I was like, "why? Do you have herpes?"

So, uh, she grabbed my hand, she took me out of the pub

into this... this alley.

She says, "can I see your Yankee cock?"

And I was like, "whoa whoa whoa.

It's 'may I see your Yankee cock, ' and yes you may."

I mean, how could I say no to that accent, so, like,

[speaking in British accent] Cock.

But some accents are weird,

like, I was dating a girl from New Zealand.

That's a weird accent. It always goes up at the end,

[with accent] Like this. Like everything sounds like a question like that.

We'd be having sex, she'd be like, "oh, yeah, you're fucking me so hard."

[Laughing]

And the Russian girls, instead of going up,

it went straight across, total monotone, she'd be like,

[in accent] "I'm having great time.

Orgasm.

Multiple orgasm.

Wrong hole."

Anyway, I think that kind of segues

- into the show idea. - Is this the pitch?

Yeah.

So it all started, uh, I was thinking about

those travel shows, you know,

they're always so earnest and boring and food oriented,

and uh, I was thinking, it doesn't have to be so boring.

It can be...

- Funny. - Exactly.

So my version, Gus, travels to the sexiest,

seediest places on the planet.

Brothels, opium dens, nightclubs.

Get him some water.

Yeah, I got it.

[Exhaling]

Oh, god. You know...

I almost died, like, a year ago.

I had what I thought was a heart attack.

What are you talking about?

I didn't tell you about this?

Well, uh, turns out it was a panic attack.

My wife, she thought it was hilarious.

She couldn't stop laughing about it.

Oh, she stopped laughing when I stopped

being able to fuck her.

And that... that is when the show begins.

I'm me, Ken,

I'm a married, middle aged, washed up, stand-up.

I suffer from anxiety, self-loathing, self-doubt.

And my wife, she's the bread winner,

and I'm just a stay-at-home dad, and despite our two kids,

we can barely hold this shitty marriage together.

One night we have this, we have this vicious blow up.

And I head straight to the comedy club.

And that's where I meet this girl.

She's beautiful, spontaneous, and she inspires me.

I start talking about my anxiety.

My marriage, my kids, my sex love,

uh, sex life, or my lack of a fucking sex life.

I just start selling out the theaters.

Of course, my self-absorbed wife,

she has no fucking idea that I'm trashing her.

She also doesn't know that I've become obsessed with this girl.

And we find out I've been stalking her.

She is into it.

And we start having this wild passionate affair.

And then suddenly I make one mistake.

And my wife finds out everything.

So season one ends...

season one ends with my entire life

just blowing up in my face,

and season two is the horrific, ugly gut-wrenching divorce.

And... [gagging]

I'll be all right.

[Vomiting]

Excuse me.

You need to go right now.

I will call you later.

I am so sorry.

So one time, uh, I was riding the bus to middle school

and the kid next to me was eating this, like,

tuna fish sandwich with bacon and pickles

and extra Mayo or something.

[Sighs] So...

It smelled seriously like

if he just took a dump on the seat

and was eating that.

Like that bad.

So I know I'm gonna throw up.

I start gagging, but I cover my hands over my mouth

and I kinda throw up into my hands

and I don't spill any.

So I'm thinking if I just swallow it back down again

it'll be like I never threw up in the first place.

The problem with this plan is, like,

once the texture of that chunk,

like, slid down my throat

I just threw up all over again

and this time it was, like, projectile vomit.

Like, right onto the seat in front of me...

like splashing back on me...

everybody's going crazy,

screaming like trying to get away from me.

But not the sandwich kid.

He just like, you know,

moves over a couple inches and keeps eating so.

How far did he park the car?

I don't know. That's kind of a Ross thing.

Yeah, well, can you check and see where he is? Please?

[Sighs]

All right, yeah.

Dude, it's not gonna fit.

- It'll fit. - [Laughs]

It's not gonna fit.

It's gonna...

- Damn it. - All right, dude, I got you.

Hold on. I got you.

All right, it looks good. Nice and secure.

- Good job, man. - Thanks.

Your kids are gonna love this.

Yep, I hope so.

[Sighs]

Hey guys.

- What's that? - Dad, dad.

Do you think this will fit as an outlet?

- Oh, I like that. - Where do you wanna put it?

- Do you need a longer piece? - No.

- I have... - Hey, mom.

Can you put a circle?

Hey, Joe, where do you want to go back in time?

Where do you want to go back in time to?

Um, I would go forward in time.

- Oh. - And I made new ones.

♪ Every time you look at me ♪

♪ To say good night ♪

♪ It feels so right ♪

So where do you want to go for real?

We should probably go 500

so he could stop the sun from exploding.

Okay, how about that? You have a mission.

- Joe... - It's 800.

Okay, 800.

[Music playing on car stereo]

- You wanna stop? - No.

[Laughing] help. Help.

- Help. - [laughing]

Oh, yeah. I'll poison the grapes and give it to him.

[Slurping]

[Inhales, exhales deeply]

If we don't put in the right time

and I get killed by Hitler, I will...

- [All laughing] - I want you to know...

What does that have to do with being the wrong time?

Okay, one... Zoom.

Wait. You hit the wrong button.

Uh-oh. You hit the self-destruct button.

[Screaming]

[Chattering] ...Enter.

Uh, Joey, just put like a really crazy year

- so you're in trouble. - Can I go with?

[Background chatter]

- Yep, yep. - No!

I know it's late.

- [Sighs] - [cell phone ringing]

[Ringing]

[Diane] Hi.

No.

Yeah, no, don't worry about it.

Did I say your sister smelled like patchouli and biker cum?

[Both laughing]

She does.

I love you.

[Gasps]