All language subtitles for saturday.night.live.s51e07.melissa.mccarthy.1080p.hevc.x265-megusta_eztvx.to

You're watching C -SPAN.

Hey, Netflix, we're for sale, too.

We now go to the Pentagon for a press
conference with the Secretary of

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, as
you know, there have been concerns about

ongoing military action off the coast of
Venezuela.

Here to answer all your questions in a
calm, non -aggressive fashion is

Secretary of War, Pete Henson.

right for the chicago trombone because
that's what they play when your fat ass

walks around now listen up as you
probably read in some gay newspaper

we're now at war with venezuela all you
nerds are like wait but was there an

official declaration of war yeah it's
right here super finger dean cook

now you got questions for me fine
pretend i'm a random fishing

boat and fire away

Okay, is there any truth to the
allegations that after an initial strike

drug smuggling boat, you ordered a
second strike to kill the survivors?

First of all, that kind of cruel,
heartless act has no place in Operation

Everybody.

Second, I wasn't even in the room when
it happened, okay? I was so jacked up

after the first strike, I had to make an
emergency call to my sponsor. Sorry, a

guy I met at an anonymous meeting.

So I don't drink something that I like
and I want, but I can't have, but I want

it and I need it and I want it right
now. Ba -ba -ba -ba -da!

It's booze.

Next question.

Yes, what do you say to Senator Mark
Kelly, who said you act like a 12 -year

-old playing Army?

First of all, Kelly?

That's a girl's name.

What's his first name? Dress?

No, it's Mark, like I said.

Oh, get a husband.

Well, to answer your question, if I was
just playing army, would there be 80

dead fishermen, narco -terrorists in
Venezuela right now? Next question.

Yeah, so is 80 the official death toll?

Is 80 the official? No, it's 6 -7, 6 -7.

Idiot.

Let's just say if I had a drink for
every Venezuelan we've killed, I'd

like that number of drinks.

All right, next. Oh, my God, is that
Matt Gaetz?

That's right!

It's me, Matt Gaetz. I'm a reporter now.

Question.

You're only killing people who are
trafficking drugs, right? So,

if someone were trafficking something
else, they'd be okay?

We're targeting drug smugglers
exclusively.

Giggity. No further questions, Your
Honor.

I have a question.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, Will and Grace, go.

My name is actually William Grace.

How do you respond to the allegations
that the so -called war on smugglers is

smokescreen for regime change?

Oh, what a way to solve a mystery,
Stube.

Of course that's what we're doing, and
it always works, just like it did in

Guatemala, Nicaragua, Cuba, Brazil.

Bolivia, Panama, Haiti, El Salvador,
Chile, Honduras, Peru, Animaniacs.

Now are we done here? I'm actually
worried I'm going to catch dork from you

nerds.

Secretary Hegg said some people are
accusing you of war crimes. Even the

president has been distancing himself
from you. Oh, wow, that's interesting. I

actually have a question for you. Have
you ever kissed a girl?

Like, I'm genuinely asking.

I have a wife.

Oh, okay, well, send her my way when she
wants to actually feel something.

Anyway, to answer your question,
President Trump has my back 100%. You

know why?

Because I'm like you beta cucks.

He's a high -energy alpha who trusts me
and listens to me no matter what. Isn't

that right, Mr. President?

Stop, Mom Donnie.

You can freeze my red anytime.

I wasn't sleeping. I'm very much awake.

Now someone quickly tell me where am I,
who am I, and what year might it be?

Good one, Mr. President.

Everything you do that's weird is a
joke.

I was just telling everyone here that I
have your full support.

Absolutely. We love Pete.

He's a great guy.

It was just fog of war, right? Fog of
war.

It's the thing you only say after doing
war crime.

Right? You never hear a general go,
everything went according to plan in fog

war.

It's like when you go into the sauna at
Equinox and suddenly you're doing stuff

you never did before.

Fog of war.

Fog of war. We love it.

It's a great new excuse. We love it. So
I stand by Pete, and nothing can change

my mind, unless, of course, it could
hurt me in any way, in which case I'll

throw him under one of Mom Donnie's free
buses.

Final question.

Yes, Mr. President. More Americans,
including your own voters, now blame you

the affordability crisis.

What's your message to them?

Shh. He's sleeping.

We've got to get him to another MRI
before he wakes up. And live from New

it's Saturday Night Live!

It's Saturday Night Live!

With... Michael J!

Mikey J!

Andrew Dismute.

Chloe Feinman.

Marcelo Fernandez.

James Austin Johnson.

John Thompson.

Bowen Yang.

Featuring Bobby Brennan.

Jeremy Colhane.

Dan Marshall.

And your host, Melissa McCarthy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy!

hosting Saturday Night Live for the
sixth time.

And also during the holidays, I mean,
come on, pinch me. There's nothing

than Christmas in New York. This special
time of year, it's about family and

friends and classic Christmas music.

Come on, set the mood, Gay.

Oh, that's nice.

Speaking of music, there's something
most people don't know about me, and

that I am a musician.

And my instrument is the mouth horn.

That's right.

It's the mouth horn.

And I'm a bit nervous, but maybe if we
bring down the light, I can give you a

little taste of Christmas.

just say nice things to them.

Oh, I love this time of year, though,
where the tree is lit and Santa's

his list. They've got naughty and nice
and Epstein.

We could all use a little Christmas
magic.

So how about we put a little bit of snow
to get us in the holiday mood?

And a piano duet.

I should have asked Anna for a piano,
but... Well, wait a minute.

Looks like I just got my wish.

You know, when I was a little girl, my
favorite song was... Okay, stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. Yes.

No, no.

What did you just stop? I need to hit my
mark. You are way over your mark. Oh,

I'm sorry. Yep. Back, back, back, back.
No, no, no.

I'm just going to set it in place, so
watch your fingers, okay? Watch them

because I'm going to put it, okay?

No! No!

Sorry.

Bye.

Well, that's it. Now I've ruined
Christmas.

Oh, nonsense, Melissa McCarthy.

Come on.

You haven't ruined Christmas at all.

How are you Santa, Kenan?

Well, just Kenan is fine.

You haven't ruined anything.

Everyone here loves you. I don't know.
Now, why don't we do one of your

Christmas songs?

You want me to sing?

No, no. I want you to blow.

That sweet, sweet horn.

Babe, shall we?

Yes, indeed.

Now, what is it?

We just got it in. It's called Rocky
Lake Raclette. It's a goat cheese from

Maine. Really good. Thank you. Yeah,
well, definitely think about it. I'll be

here. Okay.

Oh, hello, ma 'am. Can I interest you in
a sample?

Are you speaking to me?

I am. I've got a beautiful semi -soft
goat cheese. If you'd like to try it,

free.

Free for me? Okay, well, I don't know. I
don't know what to say. Nobody's ever

done anything like this for me.

Well, it's my job.

Here, give it a try.

Thank you.

I feel bad.

I don't have anything for you.

You don't have to give me anything. Just
enjoy the sample and...

Have a great day.

You know what? I will

because of you.

Okay. Awesome.

Awesome. Nice seeing you. Better seeing
you.

Free sample?

Yes, sir. This is a washed rind goat
cheese all the way from Maine.

Nice. Is it washed rind? Yeah. Probably
better than a dirty rind.

We're turning right. Okay.

There you go. There you go.

Hey, sorry. I had to come back because I
just, I can't not repay your

kindness. I wanted, I have to give you
something too.

I want you to take this ring.

This is my mother's.

I mean, not my biological mother, you
know, because I was abandoned in

but this belongs.

This belonged to the woman that was my
foster mother who was, you know, my mom

to me.

I just really couldn't. No, look.

Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

My finger's saying, yes, you can.

And she, you know, anyway, she was
always like, I'm not your mother.

I'm not barely your foster mother. Stop
telling people that I'm your mother. And

I'd say, I'm not telling anyone.

Right? Yeah, right?

What are you going to do with mom? Yeah.

Free sample? You can try it. It's a
delicious goat cheese. Oh, my God!

Wow. Sorry about that. But I'm just
wondering if I may express

my thanks to you physically.

May I give you a hug?

Sure. You know, but then you got to go.
Okay?

Okay. Just anticipating what's going to
happen.

That's nice.

Yeah, it's so nice.

That was the best hug I've ever

had.

Not just because it's my first hug,
which it was.

It's really good.

Hi, ma 'am. Do you have a dog tied up in
the front of the store?

You've got to be more specific than
that.

Okay. Do you have six dogs tied up
outside?

Four, five, six.

Yeah, those are mine, probably.

Okay. Well, they're barking at people of
color.

And one bit the Salvation Army bell
ringer. So could you please go attend to

them? Well, you know what? Why don't you
just...

Right? Why don't you just untie them and
then let them run off?

Right? Because they've become a drain to
us and our finances and just a burden

to us.

Don't know her. I don't know her. You
want me to untie your dogs and let them

run away?

I don't know you. Yes, but what did you
say? I said I don't know you. He said,

but take their collars off so they can't
be brought back to us.

I'm not going to do that. So please
attend to your dogs. Okay.

All right. Well, duty calls. But before
I go, I just really wanted to repay

your kindness.

You defend me like a boy. Yo, what's up,
little man?

You did the snowman?

Yeah. That's cool, bro.

Give me some.

Pike, boy!

Yo,

Nathan, wait up, dude.

My confidence is cold.

You can read me like a sister.

Before I...

Little something for your next snowball
fight.

Hey, buddy, what you got there? Ooh, is
that a nerve?

Wow, this is heavy.

Jesus, this is a real gun!

Who gave this to you?

I don't know. It was just here. Go
inside, Teddy, please.

Yeah, we were told to make him feel
better.

I think there's been some sort of
mistake.

Teddy is my 12 -year -old son.

What? Oh.

Sorry about that.

Have a good one.

But, but, but, but, but, but, but, why
are we closing the door on these

beautiful ladies when we still got some
business to conduct, Jack? Uh, of

course. I don't know how much cash I
have on me. Oh, don't worry about that.

Yeah, we can hit the ATM up. Matter of
fact.

I'm gonna drive. How about that? Why
don't you make yourself comfortable?

Hi. Do you have a bathroom?

Is that your mother?

You're the perfect kind of constant.

A married boy from the other side.

When I lose faith, you find me every
time.

Officer, hi. Sorry to disturb you.

Do you remember the last time you saw
your neighbor from across the street?

we didn't really know her. Why?

What happened? Did she pass away?

No. Her mother did, though.

Six years ago.

And we just found her body decomposed
into the couch.

Jesus. We still think the sicko is in
the area, so if you see her, give us a

call immediately.

Oh, and nice snowman, by the way.

Officer, I saw her.

Really? She went that way.

Suspect team heading eastbound towards
Maple.

Hi, I'm, uh... I'm Donna Fonda. I was
told to come and find you guys, you

Yes. Have a seat, Donna. Right here.

It's a lot nicer than the inside of my
truck.

Yes, it's a little different.

Donna, I'm Carol Shaw.

Hi, Carol. Hello. This is Ed Burke.

Yes. Okay.

Oh, great.

All right. We are here from UPS
Personnel Management. We called you in

we received some complaints from a
customer on your route.

No, that's impossible, but y 'all take
care.

Nope. Donna, don't get up. No, we're not
done. We'll tell you when we're done.

Yeah. Have a seat.

The customer provided video evidence
from their doorbell camera that we would

like to share with you, okay? So just
look right here, Donna.

I'll be honest. I was about to use my
old standby trick and pretend to faint,

but I'm going to own my mistake. I
messed up, and I'm sorry.

It won't happen again, and you all take
care.

Wait, Donna!

Donna, come back. Come back, because it
did happen again.

No, that's impossible.

It's very possible. A few days later, at
the same home, after placing a package

on their doorstep, You did this

Come on. She doesn't go outside. She's
not very good at this.

I'm not going outside, Donna.

And actually, I'm Ed's superior.

And you broke a few laws, actually,
because you came back later and you were

quite busy.

Working. Look at that.

Look, dumping out the trash. And
recycling.

No, you're not recycling.

Look at this.

Destroying.

It was not a bat rescue. It was a bat
rescue.

Look, you know, it was a while ago,
okay? It's out of my system now.

And I've moved on.

Oh, okay. Well, this video is from
yesterday.

Look at that.

Okay, I'm a human being. I had to go and
I couldn't hold it.

Donna, you squatted for 45 minutes
before you did.

You want to see this, Donna? Look at
that. You shouldn't shame people with

That's not a UTI. Look at this.

Look at that. It goes to night.

You stayed there until the night time,
Donna.

You know what? With the AIs and stuff,
you can't... Trust that video. Do you

have anything in writing? I'd like to
see the complaint. Of course. In the

flesh. This is a sworn statement, and it
is notarized by the police.

Is this the official statement?

Yes.

Donna, no. Donna, stop. Donna.

Donna. Donna, come back.

Give me that. Donna.

Donna. Get her.

Don't. Get her back.

Donna. Donna.

Donna. Come back. Stop. Stop. Come back
and give me the paper, Donna.

Give me the paper, Donna.

Donna, spit it out.

Donna.

Donna.

Oh, Donna.

Come on.

Donna, spit it out.

Come on, Donna.

That was obscene, Donna.

So that's it, right?

That's it for me. You're going to fire
me.

after I've given this company about 17
days of my life.

Donna, you showed no remorse for
destroyed property and displayed an open

disdain for customers, okay? You do not
belong in a UPS truck.

Well, then where do I belong?

The United States Postal Service, now
hiring for the holidays.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dijon.

Gotta see, gotta see, watch as you blow
up.

Ballooning.

Pattern me, pattern me, kick your heel
on up.

You is a shoe in the city. And that
Timmy,

get your hands on up.

Look, it's easy.

It's a T -ball now, so just tee it on
up. And make it feel like it's cheating.

But you just, you cheated.

It's too easy like a frown down up or a
gap.

In my view, my love, you say you bring
it all higher.

Turn it in and watch it all pile up.

It's a girl and it's like any style.
There's only one time you say you bring

love higher.

Oh, it's a miracle. You know, my love.

When she gets up, I tap Roger.

So somebody else is tired.

Well, who was running like a.

And had they heard I gave all my love to
you, get the keys higher.

See, while I owe me be, I know my life,
it could kill.

Just touch your teeth and let it all
work out. Do you ring the bell? I

gotta tell you that I owe

my love.

And you'll be.

Let it move right through your ears.

You're still healing me.

Because this is the love.

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and
Michael Che.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening. Good evening,
everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael
Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, President

Trump, President Trump has not yet won
the Nobel Peace Prize, but this week.

he did win the equally prestigious
soccer peace prize.

At yesterday's World Cup draw, FIFA
actually invented a fake peace prize in

Trump's honor.

And that's why the trophy shows Trump's
gnarled hands dragging the entire earth

into hell.

The World Cup draw.

was held Friday, and Team USA will first
face Paraguay. The U .S. team is

heavily favored to beat Paraguay with
the help of their star players, ICE.

On Monday night, President Trump made
hundreds of posts on Truth Social,

including conspiracy theories, attacks
on Democrats, and even a video of his

cameo in Home Alone 2, which I hadn't
seen in a while, and I have to say, the

dialogue, it hits different now. Check
it out.

Excuse me, where's Jeffrey Epstein?

Down the hall and to the left. Thanks.

It was there all along.

President Trump said that he will soon
release the results of his MRI test from

October. He just needs a little more
time to write of genius after the word

stroke.

The publisher of the beloved children's
book Franklin the Turtle condemned Pete

Hegseth for using the character in a
post about drug boat attacks.

Worse, if you zoom in, you'll see
Franklin is shooting at Dora.

House Democrats this week released
pictures of Jeffrey Epstein's private

home, and honestly, it's not as nice as
I remember.

I think definitely the craziest detail
of these photos was that there was one

room with just a dentist chair in it. I
don't know if you saw this.

Which seems very weird, but keep in
mind, a lot of his girlfriends still had

braces.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, you think the victim should have
crooked teeth.

What?

Head of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem,
seen here watching the end of Marley and

Me.

She celebrated her birthday last week at
a Mexican restaurant where she enjoyed

her favorite food, line cook's pit.

First Lady Melania Trump has unveiled
the theme of this year's White House

Christmas decorations, jackhammers.

Republican women are privately blaming
Speaker Mike Johnson for no women being

elected chairs of House committees. But
Johnson claims he's just following legal

precedent set in the landmark case of
bros v. hoes.

It was announced Friday that Netflix is
buying Warner Brothers Discovery for $82

billion, which explains why Netflix just
raised its monthly plan to $50 million.

for the first time approved building
casinos in New York City, including one

the Bronx. Because let's be honest,
every visit to the Bronx is a gamble.

I'm glad... I'm glad you said it. Study
show!

Studies show that a short trip to a
warmer climate can help fend off

depression. Here to give his tropical
travel tips is Lance, a redhead who just

went on vacation.

Hello, Colin.

How are you, my friend?

Or as the locals would say, wagwan.

Oh, my God. Lance, I think you got a
little sunburned on your trip.

Ah, good eye.

I did get a little kiss of color, and
that color is, of course, hell red.

Fun fact, I'm the same shade as a dog's
erect member.

Oh.

Thanks. That's a great visual. So,
Lance, do you have any travel tips you'd

to share? To share, I do.

From Punta Cana all the way to Bora
Bora, several places are the beach.

But when thinking of the thing that
fills your suitcase, perhaps consider a

bottle of that white lotion we so love
to loathe.

I need to go to a hospital.

Yeah, I mean, should we be worried? It
just sounds like you might have sun

poisoning. Oh, come on. I definitely do.

But trust me, brother, I'm feeling 110.

Percent? Degrees.

Wow, the dancing is good. It's good,
right?

That's impressive.

Hey, look.

Now I have a new party trick. Check this
out. This is a fully frozen TV dinner.

Ready?

Fully cooked.

Wow. That's really great.

Let's just keep it on track. Where did
you go on vacation? Jamaica?

Close, man.

It was Ireland.

How did you get that sunburn in Ireland?

Dude, that's the crazy part. I got it on
the plane.

I fell asleep with my overhead reading
light on.

Stop doing that.

I'm sorry. And look, I mean, if you
think my face is bad, my body got it

worse.

Oh, my God.

Oh, what? Why were you wearing a bikini
top?

Because usually I'm too shy about my
body, but I finally worked up the

to wear a two -piece?

Well, you know, body is tea. What's
that?

What?

I think you were saying... Look, Lance,
I'm really starting to get concerned,

okay? About your tan?

As you should be, man. You look whiter
than the house.

You're not even making sense.

Then I'll do the only thing left that
does make any sense.

Bring out an all red -headed children's
choir.

Please welcome the Ginger Kindred.

This holiday season, get the ginger in
your life, what they truly need.

Love. And some damn sunscreen.

A redhead who just went on a vacation.

I love you guys. I love you for real.

Get out.

What is wrong with you?

7 -Eleven is now selling the popular
Japanese -style egg salad sandwich,

is just a regular egg salad sandwich
with very strict parents.

A new study finds that the best city in
the country for retirees is Orlando,

Florida, while the worst city for
retirees is slippery bathtub Wisconsin.

A growing number of studies show that
watching short -form videos can lead to

mental cognition problems.

So if you're watching this on TikTok...
Today...

Today

marks the 141st anniversary of the
completion of the Washington Monument,

was finally finished when they cut off
the foreskin.

Do you get it? Yeah, do you get it?

I'm kind of a thinker.

Columbia Sportswear has introduced a new
line of Star Wars -based rain ponchos,

like the ones worn by the Rebels in
Return of the Jedi, guaranteed to keep

and all women dry as hell.

I like that one.

A new train simulator video game has
launched that lets players operate a New

Jersey transit train under realistic
conditions.

Conditions like transporting thousands
of idiots to New York to stare at a

goddamn tree.

Thank you. Anyhow, this week, a raccoon
went viral after it broke into a liquor

store in Virginia, smashed open bottles
of alcohol, got drunk, then passed out

in the bathroom.

Here to explain their actions is that
drunk practice.

Excuse me.

Oh, God, Colin.

What happened last night? Did we hook
up?

No, we didn't hook up. No.

Are you sure?

Yeah. We could do it right now.

out are you okay i'm okay i'm okay

stop

relax i think you have a serious
drinking problem yeah

the problem being i can't get drunk in a
bathroom without people taking pictures

of me face

On TV.

I know, I know.

And you never see positive
representations of

raccoons in the

media. The only thing you'll see of us
on a screen is us in a ring camera like

this.

I mean, doesn't Bradley Cooper play a
raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy?

Oh, I wouldn't know. I've never seen it.
I'm not a virgin.

How am I doing to you, Colin? I think
it's cool that you know about stuff like

that.

I'm starving.

Should we door dash something like tin
cans or apple cores?

Oh, you know what's actually good that
you wouldn't think is good?

Poop.

I'm sorry. That's disgusting.

Quiet, piggy.

alarm came out the other end hey are you
gonna eat that wait those

are my jokes i thought raccoons only eat
trash exactly okay

all right you know what you know what

that's calling that's actually really
mean

trash pandas, dumpster dogs, the Sarah
Shermans of the forest.

Come on. You're not nearly as hairy as
Sarah Sherman.

Listen, I just really hope you get the
help you need and I hope I don't get

rabies. Rabies?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Rabies is the last thing you need to
worry about getting. OK.

All right, come on, Colin.

Let's go back to .

The kid party is upstairs, so you can
head up there with your sleeping bag,

unless you'd rather hang with the mom.

Okay, thanks, Mrs. Connelly. Aw, how
cute.

Oh, she's great.

Well, cheers, Gail. So good to hang with
you, and I can't wait to try these

snacks. Okay, me too.

So what do you all think the girls are
getting up to upstairs?

at their playing truth or dare.

You know what? Now, get this. I have
never played truth or dare.

Me neither.

Well, here's an idea.

How about we play right now?

I'll start.

I'll start. Okay, Chris, truth or dare?

Okay, truth.

How was your Thanksgiving?

You know what? It was lovely.

It was lovely.

I'll do one. I'll do one. And truth or
dare?

Truth. How do you like driving your
Toyota Tacoma?

It's really great for Costco runs. I
love that.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, my turn, Chris. Truth or dare?

Truth. I couldn't make up my mind.

Okay, is this dip mayonnaise or yogurt?

It's both.

I know, I know. Okay, I'll go. Patricia,
truth or dare? Okay, truth. Actually,

dare.

Would you like to go to the bathroom and
kiss?

I would.

Well,

okay. We're doing it.

Well, I gotta say, I think this game is
interesting and fun. Yeah. I was

thinking the same thing. Oh, look at
that.

Oh, that was nice.

Okay,

well, let's keep going. Susan, truth or
dare?

Truth. Okay, why does your husband go by
the nickname Kip? He won't tell me.

Uh -oh.

Okay,

Ann, truth or dare?

Truth.

How great was Wicked for Good?

Amazing. Okay,

I'll go. Lisa, truth or dare?

Dare. Would you like to go into the
pantry and reveal our breath?

Yes.

Well, this game is fascinating.

I'm learning so much about everybody. Me
too. I totally agree.

I mean, I can't believe we've never
played before.

I know. We're pretty good at it.

I keep wondering, are we supposed to be
keeping score or something? Oh, no.

No, I think everybody wins. It's kind of
free flow. Yeah, it's free flow. Oh, I

think they're back. Hey, how'd it go?

Okay,

all right, give me one.

Okay, Chris, truth or dare?

Truth. How do you send a photo in a
text?

I don't think you can.

I can't do it. All right, let's keep
this going. Patricia, what time is it?

7 .15.

Oh, thank you. Okay, and Ann, dare,
would you like to go in the

coat room and sit on my hand?

I'd like that very much.

Sorry about that.

What are these?

Oh, they're nuts.

Yeah. It's nuts?

Yeah, it's nuts.

I've never had a nut. It's nuts.

Oh, how was your day? Oh, ten out of
ten. It was a blast.

No, no.

No, no. Well, we are covering a lot of
ground here. Do people feel like they

need a break? No. No.

And Patricia.

True. What's your Spotify age?

210.

Okay. And Susan.

Dare.

Would you like to go into the yard and
choke me sexually?

Yes.

That's a good dare.

We should play this again tomorrow,
right? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. You guys, this has just been
such a lovely evening.

I don't want it to end.

Oh, me either.

Yeah, this has been a delight.

I know. Mark and I always love having
you guys over.

Yes. This has been amazing.

Yes.

Guys.

Am I crazy?

Should we do this, like, every Sunday?

Yes.

Uh, what do you mean?

This.

Us. Every Sunday. Right?

Dinner.

Sunday supper.

Every Sunday.

Sunday supper, right?

Let's do it every week. Sunday supper.

Well, that'd be nice, but we'd have to
get a sitter.

No way, babe. Those teens drive a hard
bargain.

Totally.

No, totally. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, plus we usually do dinner with my
parents on Sundays.

How are your parents?

Right. Totally.

You got to do that. Yeah, just, it
wouldn't work.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. I just got excited about Sunday
supper.

But yeah, like it wouldn't work, right?

People have lives, Mark.

I'm sorry.

Seriously, guys.

Don't worry.

It's fine.

Is he okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fine.

He gets himself worked up about Sunday
supper.

He seemed really heartbroken. Oh, no,
no, no. He'll be fine. He's a tough

guy.

I have an announcement.

I am running away.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

What's happening is I'm running away,
Denise.

I'm running away and never coming back
because I'm embarrassed I got too

about Sunday supper and no one else
wanted to do Sunday supper.

Mark, you don't have to run away for
that, man.

Yeah, Mark, it's fine. We're all having
a really nice time still. Yeah, yeah,

tonight's been great.

So then we'll do it?

we'll do Sunday supper?

I'm sorry. We can't really... Oh, Mark!

Mark! Mark! No!

Look what you've done. You've been too
rough with your things, Mark.

Hey, dude, what did you pick?

It's everything from his dress -up box.

He has a dress -up box?

It's not what you think.

It's to play make -believe.

I've never seen Mark like this. Have you
ever run away before?

Yeah, and last week he was ordering
pizza, and he said I love you to the guy

the phone. He got so embarrassed that
night.

He tried to hop a freight train, but he
got scared because somebody offered him

crack.

Well, maybe we can do a different day.

Can we do Saturday supper?

Our son has basketball.

keep a jug of gasoline behind your
couch?

Yeah,

maybe we could do something that's less
of a commitment.

How about breakfast here every morning
at 6 a .m.?

I don't belong in this world, sugar.

I belong out there.

On the tracks.

Where will you go? What do you do?

I'll befriend a large, simple man.

And at the end of the story, I'll shoot
him in the back of the head.

But it'll be the right thing to do.

Because he has rabies.

I think you got your references mixed up
there, Mark.

I'll always love you.

But now I got to go because I'm
embarrassed. I got too excited for

and nobody else wanted to do Sunday
supper.

Goodbye.

Wow.

Do you think we'll ever see him again?

I hope not.

Because he is a burden on my life.

He belongs out there.

free soul on the track.

The neighbor's dog was outside and I got
scared.

Once again, Dijon.

See, I'm yours.

That's on top.

Ooh, you're nasty.

Cause baby, we got a way to expand this
collection.

Say it again, my baby.

And baby, you look good in me. You're
the man, my attention.

So give me attention.

Well, I'm at attention.

And you can show it, little baby, all
night.

It's all you and I.

I mean, we talk, we talk, we talk, we
talk. It ain't no fun.

I guess if we can dive into a two -plus
-one, easy.

One night, we can.

This is yours, my baby.

Baby, you look good to me. You demand my
attention.

So give me attention.

Will I get attention all night?

A little love and attention.

My little mother intention.

I might make the human connection.

A little human connection.

It's a maker, baby.

It's a maker, baby.

I'm ready, baby.

It's a maker, baby.

Well, it's time.

It's time to expand this collection.

If you'd be a lovebird to me, you'd
demand my attention.

Give me attention.

Let's make an addition, baby.

Let's make an addition, baby.

Let's make an addition, baby.

Let's make an addition, baby.

Let's make an addition, baby.

The second edition of the...

You're just nieces. Happy holidays.

Aunt Barb.

Hello. Your cousins are so excited to
see you.

Cousin time.

I love cousins.

I'm hanging with my cousins, it's the
holidays.

Shotgun, I'll over dip, then back to we
play.

I'm watching Catching Fire on the telly.
Feeling all right, cause we're sipping

marginellis. Then for the first time,
something occurs to me. The post

cousin mystery.

They tell me every time I see them, but
I don't know after they leave.

Where do cousins go?

Bye. Thank you, guys. Bye. Thank you,
guys. Bye. And have fun in a... Where do

cousins go the rest of the year?

They go to the cousin planet.

Where every cousin lives for 360 days a
year. They take a rocket to the cousin

planet. Cousin planet.

The secret world in the sky.

Where every day is today after a
holiday.

Every day on cousin planet is the same.

First thing in the morning, eat some
leftover ham.

Walk backwards on the treadmill in
pajama pants. Get tanned for five hours,

weird nap, learn a dance.

Try to smoke weed with our cousin who is
cool.

Get kind of hungry, try to walk through
a drive -thru. Does it work?

Then a family secret is revealed.

Grandpa had a mistress he could steal.

What's a mayor?

I am the mayor of Cousin Planet.

The cousin planet is one giant cul -de
-sac. I took a song and...

And every conversation is catching up.

Here, ye cousins, there are only two
laws.

One law, hooking up.

And the second law is that the first law
is flexible.

What? Excuse me? Use your discretion.

A cousin is the daughter of the sister
of your mom. A cousin is the son of the

uncle of you. A cousin is the person
sleeping on your couch. A cousin is...

On the cousin planet, cousin planet, the
dark side of the planet are the cousins

on your dad's side. It's the cousin
planet, cousin planet, good luck with

math, just in whatever you're studying
here.

Cousin planet, cousin planet, where it's
always December, the cousins don't

exist in summer.

Cousin planet, cousin planet,

it's the cousin planet, it's the cousin
planet, cousin planet.

Season's greetings, folks.

If you've driven on Warburton Avenue in
Yonkers, you've probably seen this

gorgeous glow coming from this
extraordinary decorated home.

Here with me today is the couple
responsible for all the magic. It's

and Guillaume. Hi, everyone.

Yes, it's happening. Yes, Guillaume. No,
put the comb down, Guillaume. Put it

down, Guillaume. Okay, so tell us.

What's it take to put together the
biggest Christmas village in Yonkers?

it might not happen this year because
I'm not feeling the Christmas...

spirit, but maybe I catch a second wind.
I don't know. Well, you certainly, I

will catch your wind when you pass gas
under our duvet.

Guillaume. If it's true.

Well, I'd love to learn a little bit
about some of your favorite items in the

collection. Well, first we have our
minion nativity scene.

Ba -la -la -la -la -la banana.

And then we have one of our favorites.

We have, oh my gosh, fashion Jesus.

And he died on the cross for our sins,
and I am dying for this look.

And next up, we have a gingerbread
apartment building. It's a five -story

-off. There's a two -bedroom, no bath.

We're gingerbread slumlords, and we've
just evicted a gingerbread immigrant

family.

I'm sorry.

Over here, over here.

Here, I'll show you this other one.

Look at this. Have you seen my snow
baby?

Okay, you've got to hold him right,
Guillaume. You've got to hold him right,

Guillaume. I'm cradling his neck. I'm
cradling his neck. Well, you've got to

hold him like this until his brain is
still developing. Well, someone's brain

still developing.

Okay, you know what?

Guillaume ran over a woman at the Arby's
drive -thru yesterday.

That's not true. That is not true. I did
not run her over. I lightly tapped her

with the bottom of my cock against her
head.

You know, you two have such wonderful
rapport.

We've got more.

There's got to be an interesting story
behind how you met, too. Oh, well, I

guess.

We met on Finch, which was a dating app
for people who have been burned by past

or current relationships.

Yum. Well.

Wow. And what is it like being gay,
being a gay couple in this town?

Gay. Town?

I am a woman.

And Yasu is a village.

She's coming out of nowhere.

She's coming out of nowhere? How dare
you? Why am I coming out of nowhere?

am I coming out of? My apology.

Explain, what area is this coming out
of? Just get back to your display, huh?

When did you start collecting Christmas
decor?

Well, it's not just Christmas. You
skipped right over the menorah corner.

Right. And the Kwanzaa Kwanzaa.

Well, sounds like there's a little
something for everyone at this house.

Oh, that reminds me. Speaking of little,
this is a limited edition snow baby

tree topper. And the fun fact is, this
snow baby was preemie, so he has the

Benjamin Button disease.

Yes, yes.

And last but certainly not least, it's a
figurine of Rudolph exploring himself

sexually.

Isn't it wonderful?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Rudolph can hook up
with a third, but I can't. Oh, you know

what? Okay, well, for meunkers, I'm
Ribbed Condom.

And, yeah, I know producers told me to
stop saying my name, but my mother named

me, so I'm going to say it. I'm Ribbed
Condom.

Condom?