Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Hey, how's it going?

Do you have any matches?

Nope.

How about a lighter?

Nope.

Because it says you have fire wings.

Get out of here, kid.

Go have a look.

Oh, fire!

Yeah, fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Fire.

Hello, Beavis.

I have been waiting for you.

I am fire.

Whoa!

Fire!

You like, you kick ass.

I have great power, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

So like, so you can talk?

I have always been able to talk to you, Beavis.

Remember?

Beavis, it is I, fire.

Look upon my fearful glory.

Fire.

Um, fire, do you remember when I put an M-80 in Mr. Anderson's mailbox and it started a big fire?

Yes, that was me.

Remember when I found my first lighter and it was like, fire.

I remember.

I am fire.

Fire.

Have you ever been in a volcano?

I am in all the volcanoes.

What about that forest fire?

That was a great day.

Smokey the bear sucks.

It's not his fault.

I killed his parents.

He's just trying to mend the hole in his heart that I put there.

You're cool.

Quite so.

You and you, Beavis, are my special one.

Fire, fire.

Fire.

Now, Beavis, listen to me.

I am going to command you and you will do exactly as I say.

Yes, fire.

Tell me what to do and I will obey.

Yes.

Very good.

Now, Beavis, go to your school and run four times around the track.

That will be one mile.

That's what you want me to do?

Yes.

Okay, I guess that's pretty cool.

I'm going to run.

Now, begone.

Fire.

Fire.

Fire.

Fire.

Hey, fire, I'm back.

Did you run around the track four times, completing a distance of one mile?

Yes, fire. Yes. I did as you command. Yes.

Very good, my loyal servant.

So, fire, why did you command me to do that?

It was good exercise. You needed it.

Well, I guess so. I don't know. I mean, if you say so.

Butthead doesn't understand us, does he?

My special one, what we have, what I am.

No, he doesn't. He sucks. Let's burn him.

Perhaps in good time.

But not today, for I have for you a second command.

Yes, command me. The first one was just a warm-up.

Look around you, Beavis. The streets of this city are crawling with filth.

But you and I know what to do about filth, don't we, Beavis?

Yes, fire.

I command you to pick up all of the plastic bottles in this alley and put them in the recycling.

And then the same for the surrounding streets.

Really? You command me to do that?

Obey me.

Okay, okay. Fire. Okay.

Get this here.

One of these.

Me.

No, not the regular trash. The blue one.

Okay, okay.

Beavis, here's a little something for you from Kale Dodds.

And this is country, I can tell.

I can tell because he said down a two lane.

And there's like a story.

I think that's the guy who makes Family Guy.

I didn't know he was a country singer too.

Whoa, he's trying to score at breakfast.

Man, it didn't work.

Well, you know there's always lunch and dinner.

Okay, he's like, okay, I can handle this.

Hello, I'm country star Kale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you.

I mean, not like you exactly.

Yeah, you know, I mean, I was in a band.

All the chicks liked me and all that, you know.

I was nothing like you.

You're a loser.

He's like, you see, your problem is this sweater.

Yeah, just get rid of the sweater, and that chick will come right over here

and get it on with you right in the middle of Applebee's.

This is like all those movies where like the good looking cool guy

teaches the dork how to score, and he like trains him.

He's grooming him.

He's like, now that I paid for your meal,

why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me.

He's going to wind up in a shallow grave.

They told us about these kind of guys in health class.

All the warning signs were there.

They may come across as friendly at first.

They might even sing you a country song, but beware.

They might buy your breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free.

Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Kale Dodds.

Hey.

Well, like, does this video mean that if you change your shirt,

you'll score with chicks?

Yeah, that's ridiculous.

Because I have the coolest shirt you could possibly have,

and I still don't score.

Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club

and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over.

Maybe I should try that.

As soon as the director says cut,

that hot girl's going to leave the dork and go score with Kale Dodds.

And then the dork is going to go home alone,

put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey.

Now that's a country song.

Okay, fire.

Um, so I picked up all the bottles.

Very good. Very good indeed.

Yeah, I guess it was fine. I don't know.

Beavis, are you ready to obey my next command?

Yes, fire. Yes.

And something cool this time, maybe. Yeah.

I think you'll find this very cool.

Well, you could say I was just getting warmed up.

Now, listen closely to what you shall do.

Yeah, I'm listening closely.

You will go and read Call of the Wild

and write a two-page report on it.

Um, what?

Now do my bidding.

Use topic sentences.

Um, fire, um, why are you making me do this stuff?

You are my special one, Beavis.

Uh-huh.

And it's about time you applied yourself.

Yeah.

It's one thing to screw around in middle school,

but you're almost at the point where it counts for colleges.

Oh, boy.

Now go before I make it five pages.

Um, just wait here a second.

Um, did you know there's a fire in the garbage back there?

Again?

Yeah, there it is.

What?

Oh, Beavis, no. Stop him, Beavis.

The pain. I'm being extinguished.

Punish him, the death.

Oh, please.

It doesn't have to be two pages.

Just three paragraphs.

Remember the M-80s.

Thanks, kid.

And there was so much left to burn.

Farewell, my special one.

Yeah, that fire sucked.

Whoa, cool.

Fire.

Chirp.