Original subtitles

With the giant chasing after him, Jack scurried down the beanstalk, touching

everything he'd stolen.

Jack leapt down to the ground and chopped down the beanstalk with an axe,

sending the giant plummeting to earth. The giant's dead, cheered Jack.

And he lived happily ever after.

Or did he?

I've often wondered what happened to Jack after ever after.

And who better to write a sequel to the story than the world's number one

children's author?

Unfortunately, J .K. Rowling was busy, so here is Jack and the Beanstalk, after

ever after, by me.

Stealing riches from an evil giant and then killing him would be a remarkable

day's work for most 12 -year -olds. But Jack's mother, Pat, didn't see it that

way. She was still livid that he'd swap their only cow for some magic beans.

Well, that dead giant of yours can't stay there.

I'll trip over him in the night when I need to do my business.

I'm sorry, Ma.

But, look, I stole this from his castle.

A harp?

Of all the things you could have stolen, why did you nick a harp?

Cos, Ma, it does this.

My master, the giant, has bumped his head. Now he's in your garden,

completely dead.

It plays itself.

It's magic.

It's annoying, that's what it is. How do you turn it off?

I don't know.

Give it here.

Jack's mum is angry without a doubt.

Picks me up and she's... I've had worse reviews.

So, did you get anything else? Anything actually worth having?

Yes, Ma. I got something that's going to make us rich.

A diamond chandelier? No, this.

A chicken.

A magic chicken.

Magic?

Looks like it belongs in a bargain bucket.

But this hen lays golden eggs. I swear I saw one in the giant's castle.

Go on then, clever cog.

Make it lay one.

I don't know exactly how it works.

Don't look like gold to me.

So you went all the way up to giant land for that?

No, Ma, because I also got you these.

Well, black my beetroot. Look what you got right.

Accidentally.

Who is it?

Wait a minute.

Come in.

Blimey, there's a lot of you.

What do you all want?

Well, we're here to celebrate young Jack killing one of our greatest foes. By

guzzling all your wine and scoffing all your food.

Right,

listen to me, peasant. Your heiress is speaking.

So we are here to celebrate a hero.

For too long, our little village of Titchington has been terrorised by

They trample our crops.

They steal our sheep.

They made me go bald.

How'd they do that?

PGSD, post -giant stress disorder.

Well, this giant was particularly big and horrible.

Kept saying, fee -fi -fo -fum.

I smell the blood of an Englishman.

Well, you've got to have a catchphrase.

He tried to eat me. Do these evil giants have no regard for the sanctity of

life? Thank goodness you killed him in cold blood.

And so, as is our custom here in Titchington, we reward the slaying of a

with this. A medal made of solid 24 -carat wood.

And we bestow upon you this village's highest honour, to be the judge of

tomorrow's Titchington's Got Turnit.

Being a judge in a talent show is the greatest honour in the land.

And... My turnip's in the running, so just you remember who gave you that

To Jack, Titchington's greatest giant killer.

Titchington's greatest giant killer.

To Jack.

Did someone say Titchington's greatest giant killer?

Yeah. I said it.

And then they all said it, so twice. And then you said it, so three times.

Basically a meme.

Who's she?

She, you little squirt, is the woman with no name.

Your mum calls you Janet.

Point taken.

And I, the woman with no name, is the number one giant killer around here.

I can snip him a mile off.

So tell me, you jumped up little brat, how many giants have you killed?

One. One?

Well,

take a wild guess at how many I've killed.

Two.

Much more than that.

A hundred.

Well, no, lower than that.

Four. No, higher than that.

Ninety -nine. Lower than that.

Forty. A bit lower than that.

Thirty -nine.

A bit lower than that. Thirty -eight. A bit lower than that. Three.

Thirty -seven.

They've killed 37 giants.

Forget wooden medals. You lot should build me a ruddy great statue.

So you, leave the giant killing to me.

Or... You'll stroke your neck with your finger?

No.

It'll be a knife, not a finger.

You'll cut your own throat?

No.

It'll be his throat, not mine.

By Beaufort, I smell the blood of an Englishman.

So young Jack found himself face to face with the dead giant. Who?

It turned out, was very much not dead.

Please don't eat me.

Be he dead or be he alive, I'll grind his bread to make my

bones.

That's not right.

Oh, my head hurts.

Everything's gone fuzzy.

What happened?

You don't remember?

No. What happened?

Well, you had just been over to my house for a play date, and you were climbing

back up the beanstalk, back to your castle, and fell right from the top.

How did I fall?

It snapped.

This isn't right.

Why would we be having a play date?

Because we're friends, so you definitely wouldn't eat me.

How could a giant be friends with a peewee?

What's a peewee?

That's what us giants call you lot down here.

To the giant killer!

To the giant killer!

What's a giant killer in there?

There is actually, of course, a self.

The woman with no name.

The woman with no name.

That name rings a bell.

We was warned about her when we were little.

Well, little her.

See, us giants live above the clouds.

When rain comes down from clouds, you don't go up.

So us giants have to come down here to peewee land to fetch water.

But sometimes we don't come back because we've been hunted down by a

woman with no name.

Well, she's in there now, so you better get out of here fast.

But where?

I can't go home. The bee stalk's broken.

Then... Why not just run, like, really far away and never come back? All right,

then. I'll just pop in the village and gobble up a couple of peewees, you know,

for the road. No, don't eat anyone.

I'm starving.

All right, then.

I'll find you something.

Come with me.

So keep it safe. Let's wait till dark, then. Why?

Because that's when it's dark. Good point.

If I don't eat anything soon, I'll... You need to be very quiet.

Don't you? Don't worry.

I can be as quiet as a mouse.

Who put that there?

Shush!

11.

Where is this food?

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

Have you got a horse?

Nearly there.

I don't like turnips.

Have you ever had one?

No.

Did you hear that sniff?

What sniff?

There it is again. It's a woman with no name.

Quick, hide!

Disguise me as a table.

Well, well.

What do we have here?

I'm Jack.

We just met. I know that, you worm.

I mean, why aren't you at your party?

I was just checking the entries for... I've been made a judge.

Oh, and I'm going to have to disqualify this one.

It's a parsnip.

Stinks a giant in here.

I forgot to have a bath.

And there's giant footprints leading all the way here.

And they finish exactly where you're standing.

You're up to something. I'm not going to take my eyes off you.

Not even for a second.

You saved my life.

Second time today.

We must be really good friends.

Best friends.

BFFs? If you like.

But we've got to get you out of here. Fast.

Don't forget your planet.

I'll get that for you.

It's still out there looking for you.

You'd better hide here for the night.

Turnip's quite nice, actually.

Have a try.

Tastier than a peewee.

Thank goodness for that.

You've been so good at looking after me tonight.

Well done.

No -one's ever really said well done to me before.

Really?

Even your mum?

No. Mum thinks I'm a complete idiot.

Well, you're not. You're actually very smart.

My mum used to say well done to me all the time.

She's up there somewhere.

Looking down on me.

I'm sorry.

No, she's not dead.

She's up there in giant land. Keep up.

Here.

I'll show you my castle.

I can see it.

Your mum must be worried about you.

Well, your mum must be worried about you and all.

Stop it. She's still mad at me.

Even if she's mad at you, she'll be worried.

She's a mum, and that's what mums do.

It's all my fault. I swapped our cow for some magic beans.

Magic beans?

Sounds like the deal of the century.

Do you think so?

Yeah.

What did these magic beans do?

They grew the beanstalk.

The one that could have got you home.

If only we could grow another one. We could get you back to your castle. Oh,

you'd love it up there.

You must come for a play date.

I'd love to.

You could hear my magic harp singing. Oh, and you could meet my magic hen.

Guess what it lays?

I don't know.

Guess. I honestly don't know.

Count it in.

Only we could grow another beanstalk.

Yeah, stay here.

And if anyone comes, try not to look so tall.

What are you doing with my gold coins?

Oh, nothing, Ma. You're lying.

If you must know, I was going to... take them to market and buy our cow back.

Why should I trust you?

Please, just give me a chance.

Please.

All right, then.

Straight there.

Buy back Daisy.

Straight home. Understood?

But, Jack... Yes, Ma?

This is your last chance.

Lawton, ladies, gather round for this once -in -a -lifetime opportunity.

Invisible hats.

Get your invisible hats here. You'll never see one finer or see one at all.

Yes, young man, what can I interest you in?

Invisible hat?

Hawking gravel?

Fireproof twig?

You don't remember me.

Oh, wait.

Is this about those magic beans?

Look, sorry, no refunds. You can't have your cow back. You should have read the

small print on the side of the beans.

Magic beans are not actually magic.

But these beans were magic.

Don't bug me off. They go into a giant beanstalk.

Well, I never.

I'm a first satisfied customer in 20 years.

But I need to go another one. Do you have any more?

I'll give you these.

Um... Don't come by.

Wait,

wait, wait.

Come here.

I have actually got something.

More magical than magic beans.

What? It is this magic sausage roll.

I didn't know sausage rolls could be magic. Most of them aren't. Just this

How much is it?

Well, normally it'd be four gold coins, but I'll let you have it for three.

Done. You have been.

Attention!

So what did the giant do?

The giant took my turnip.

Is that it?

It wasn't a normal turnip.

It was a really big one. It took me months to grow.

I love that turnip as if it was my own child.

So you're sure it was the giant who stole your turnip?

Oh, we can be sure.

Behold, the giant's footsteps fleeing the scene of the crime.

And they taste fresh.

Apart from that bit of batter, wee.

Well, with a giant on the loose, we will, of course, have to go into

Not again!

Can we still go to the pub? Yeah, obviously, we can still go to the pub.

Will the schools be open?

No. But that's just because schools haven't been invented yet.

Oh, yeah.

There will be no lockdown.

Because people of Titchington, I promise you, I will hunt down, kill, and then

murder that evil beast until he's dead.

Seems a bit much.

All he's done is eaten a tannip.

Much better to eat a tannip than one of us.

Maybe this giant's a nice giant.

A nice one?

Well, if you love giants so much, why don't you marry one?

Oh, sick burn.

aren't that different to us.

They get scared and miss their mums and eat turnips, just like we do.

You seem to know an awful lot about giants.

Ignore the lion, Torad.

Let's form an angry mob.

Grab your pitchforks.

I don't have a pitchfork, but I do have a normal fork.

That'll have to do.

Follow me.

Let's kill ourselves a giant.

I told you to hide in the forest.

They were saying horrible things about giants.

They're coming this way.

Don't let them kill me.

I'm too pretty to die.

Jack and the giant were about to be discovered by the murderous mob.

And despite having the whole of the advert break to think of a way to

Jack had nothing.

Hell's flat earth is that.

Oh, this, um, this is a statue I made just for you.

Because you're right, you do deserve one for all those giants you've killed. I

meant a statue of me.

This one's ugliest sin.

What was that noise?

Oh, um, that was me. I was, um, agreeing with you.

Hang on.

Someone half -inched all my flour.

It's all brazen, if I'm not mistaken.

Plus a bit of rat vomit.

This heinous theft is the work of the giant.

Now that I think of it, I did see a very tall man running off with bags of

flour. Where was this giant headed?

He muttered something about the forest.

Oh, God, he must be going to the forest.

Probably to take a giant dump in our trees.

Let's kill him!

Sorry, I'm just nervous.

Sorry about that.

Hit the one!

Where'd you get those from?

From some idiot boy.

He swapped them for a sausage roll.

What a mug.

You've got to blame the parents, though, haven't you?

Jack!

Jack!

I've got to tell you, I found a way to get you home.

How? With this.

A sausage roll?

No, a magic sausage roll.

I swapped it for some gold.

Doesn't matter what I swapped it for.

But... If we plant this, it will go high into the sky, just like the beanstalk.

Then I can climb all the way home.

Just when I thought you couldn't get any cleverer.

Come on.

Jack the Giant Killer!

He's still breathing.

All right, then. All hail Jack the Giant Knocker Downer!

Scott Turnip has been cancelled.

It's all because the giant stole what was sure to be the winning turnip.

The good news is, and this was my idea, we're going to barbecue the

giant and eat him.

Nobody's going to eat me.

Giants, eh?

They eat us, but don't like it when we eat them.

Ironic, isn't it?

It's less ironic, more hypocritical.

Why? Keep your hair on.

That's actually quite offensive to bald people.

Come on, peasants! Let's get this party started!

anywhere till I've got some answers.

Jack, what are you doing hanging around with giants?

Not now, Ma. I've got to go.

Why did you swap our gold coins for a stupid sausage roll?

Oh, yeah, I know all about that.

Ma, I need to save my friend.

Friend? You can't be friends with a giant. They're vicious. They're mean.

They're evil.

This one isn't. So all this sneaking around and staying out late and lying to

your mother, you're telling me that's got nothing to do with a giant?

No. Don't lie to me, Jack.

I'm taking a barbecue, Ma. I've got to go.

That's horrible.

Get in here now.

Or don't ever bother coming back again.

At least the giant's mum loves him.

Not so big a now, are you, eh, giant?

I spit on you.

You all right?

My mouth's too dry.

I'll come back and spit on you later.

People of Kitchington, gather round.

Now, before we get on to our main course of giant burgers, it's time for the

raffle.

Let us start with the third prize, which is this top of the range, en suite

bathroom.

Bucket? A bit fancy.

I just do my business in a hole.

A hole? Very la -dee -da.

Jack! I'm going to get you out of here.

Second prize, for those of you that love animals, it is the family day out to

the butchers.

And leave.

I knew it all along.

The boy's a traitor.

Look at him.

He was going to help that evil giant escape. This giant is not evil.

He's my friend.

She doesn't want to eat anyone.

He just wants to get back home to his mum.

He admits it.

He's working with the giant.

Let's barbecue him.

No! No!

Ma? Leave my boy alone.

Big mob picking on a small boy.

Threatening to cooking when he's just trying to help his friend.

Call the giant a monster.

You're the real monster.

You know what? After hearing Pat's little speech there, I don't think we

barbecue the boy and the giant.

We should barbecue her and all.

Captured by the woman with no name, also known as Janet, things were hotting up

for the giant Jack and his mum.

I'm Pat.

Nice to finally meet you.

Pleasure's all mine.

Well, well, Jackie boy.

I think you nearly had everyone believing that you was a giant killer.

I don't know what she's talking about.

It's getting really hot.

Well, there's fires for you.

I'm sorry, Mum.

It's not your fault.

Jack, I want you to know I was only ever hard on you because I really care about

you. Don't be so hard on yourself, Mrs Jack.

I've done a great job with your boy.

He saved my life time and time again.

You saved his life, Jack.

All by yourself.

Well done.

What?

Well done.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah, you got me well enough.

All I've ever wanted to do was to make you proud.

Well, right now, I couldn't be prouder.

That's what we need. More giant tears to put out the fire.

Keep going, Mum.

Right, yeah.

I adore you more than...

I'm not good at this stuff.

Let me try.

Ma, I love you. To the furthest edge of Titchington.

Oh, Jack.

I love you to the furthest edge of Titchington.

I'm back.

That's beautiful.

Made me miss my mummy.

I'm not going to put in me that.

Find them, you fools!

Right,

let's go digging so we can get you home.

We haven't got any magic beans.

Don't need them, Ma.

We've got this.

A sausage roll.

A magic sausage roll.

What was all that they were saying back there about you being a giant killer?

I've no idea.

You're lying to me.

No, I'm not. I promise.

Master, don't trust a word of what Jack has said. He jumped the big

shark and left you busted.

We're not friends.

You are lying to me.

It's all coming back to me now.

You're that peewee thief.

No, we are friends.

Silence! Peewee, I should have eaten you when I had the chance.

Now I'm going to do it properly.

Don't eat my boy!

Get off him! He saved your life!

I can't do it.

But I need to know something, Jack.

Did you just pretend to be my friend so I wouldn't eat you?

No more lies, son.

Well, at first, yeah.

But then I got to like you. And now we're friends.

BFF.

Really? Really. And when I make a promise to my best friend, I keep it.

I'm going to get you home to your mum.

Thank you, BFF.

Not growing.

I'm such an idiot.

This isn't a magic sausage roll.

It's just a sausage roll.

You're not an idiot, son.

I blame that dodgy Dave. He made you think those stupid beans were magic.

But they were magic.

But I believed they were. And it came true.

So what you're saying is, Jack believed in the beans and they were magic?

So maybe you just have to believe in the sausage roll.

I'll try.

Believe in the sausage roll.

Believe in the sausage roll.

This is stupid.

Believe in the sausage roll.

Believe in the sausage roll.

Believe in the sausage roll.

Believe in the sausage roll.

Something's wrong.

The lead.

And the lead.

Whoa!

Help!

Jack, hold on!

Help!

I'll save you.

I'm scared!

I'm coming to get you!

Just as my friend Jack taught me.

Pee -wees and giants don't need to be enemies.

We can be friends.

I couldn't agree more.

I promise never to kill another giant as long as I live.

Oh, thank you, kind giant, for saving me and Titchy Tonian.

My last five, one, two.

Innocent giant.

No.

I'd spit on you if I had any friends.

And thank you, Jack the Giant's saver.

Jack,

why do you look so sad?

I promised I'd get you home to your mum, but I can't.

I'm sorry.

Jack, if you believe in magic, it comes true.

So all we need is another sausage roll.

Does anybody have a sausage roll?

I've got a vegan one.

Does it taste just like a real sausage roll?

No, it tastes disgusting.

Believe in the vegan sausage roll.

Come on, you titches.

Believe in the vegan sausage roll.

Well, my friend, looks like you kept your promise.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Wait!

We couldn't let you leave without these, especially the harp.

I'm in, I'm back, and I'm sorry.

Come on, clucker, do an egg.

Off we go then.

Buy your cow back.

But don't swap it for a magic pasty.

Mummy, I'm coming home.

And that's just about the end of our story.

Oh.

Giants still came down from the clouds.

But thanks to Jack, the people of Titchington didn't fear them anymore.

But somehow Jack always knew when it was his giant who visited.

And this time, they really did live happily ever after.

Which goes to prove that just because someone's different to you, it doesn't

mean you can't get along.

Then together, the giants and peewees went to war against their common enemy,

the elves.

Right, mate.

What is that thing?

Mama gone vegan!